SNL Tonight

Coffee Talk

Linda Richman…..Mike Myers
Helen Hunt

Linda Richman: Welcome to Coffee Talk I’m your host Linda Richman. On this show we talk about coffee, dawters, dawgs, you know no big whoop just Coffee Talk. You’ll never guess who is in my apartment right now. I’ll give you a hint. I’m mad about her. That’s right it’s Helen Hunt. Come here bubala let me touch that ponnum. It’s like buttah.

Helen Hunt: Hello Linda.

Linda Richman: So P.S Long story short, Helen and my dawter Robin went to the theatrical summer camp in the Catskills together. And this one practically moved in.

Helen Hunt: They became my family my mishputkha. I never met a family so colorful.

Linda Richman: That’s a nice way for saying Jewish. Come on I kid. Why? Because I love. My Helen here is a quarter Jewish.

Helen Hunt: I’m Methodist and Jewish. I’m a

Both: Mushu!

Linda Richman: Helen I’m so proud of you. Look at you. You’re a big muggy mug with the stuff of the golden globes. I remember the first day you got your period.

Helen Hunt: Linda, you promised you wouldn’t embarras me.

Linda Richman: Do your Paul Reiser impression.

Helen Hunt: No

Linda Richman: Do It!!

Helen Hunt: Quite frankly soup’s a good thing but I also like fish. This is what I’m saying.

Linda Richman: Look at her she’s so adorable. I want to eat you up and have you come out of my shoot. Let’s get down to buisiness. It’s Oscar time, and once again, Barbra Streisand was not nominated.

Helen Hunt: Linda, she didn’t make a movie this year.

Linda Richman: I do not care. That is not the point.

Helen Hunt: But they did nominate a woman who directed this year Jane Campion for the piano. Ithink she has a big shot at winning.

Linda Richman: And you call yourself a quarter Jewish. The oscar goes to Stephen Spielberg for Schindler’s List. End of story. Capoot!

Helen Hunt: You’re right. Of course Schindler’s List.

Linda Richman: Ach, Stephen Spielberg. I don’t care if he married a shixa. He could marry ten shixas all with pug noses for all I care. What that man has done as a filmaker and as a jew, it’s remarkable. Now I’m verklempt. Talk amongst yourselves. I’ll give you a topic. The chick pea is neither a chick nor a pea. Discuss! There I feel better.

Helen Hunt: Well I think they should give best actress to Holly Hunter for the piano.

Linda Richman: To be honest with you, I didn’t get that movie and why she was nominated for best actress, I will never know.

Helen Hunt: Linda, are you kidding me? That was one of the most demanding female roles in recent history. Holly Hunter had to communicate through a character that was so mute.

Linda Richman: Mute schmute, she didn’t have to memorize a single word. All she had to do was show up, braid her hair, and fartic. Stalker Channing, she may be a long shot, but at least she had lines. She talked from the beginning of the move to the end of the movie. She had alot to say to the fresh prince. Alright let’s go the phones the number is 555-4444. Give us a call we’ll talk no big whoop. Hello?

Caller #1: Hello Helen. I just wanted to say I’m mad about you!

Helen Hunt: Thanks. That was sweet.

Linda Richman: That was cute.

Caller #1: Anyway my question is this. Does anyone mistake you for Linda Hunt?

Helen Hunt: No, no they don’t.

Linda Richman: Does anyone ever tell you to go to hell and hunt?

Helen Hunt: No they actually don’t.

Linda Richman: Okay next caller. Welcome to Coffee Talk you’re on the air. Hello?

Caller #2: Hello Helen. Who would you vote for best supporting actor?

Helen Hunt: John Malkovich for the Line of Fire. I though he was so brilliant and so scary he gave me shpilkes in my genecktecessoink.

Linda Richman: Don’t get me started, Malkovich terrifyed me. I felt like fulnkn gestapha heliorahn helroshing hullishing en shmaza en my cappie. You know what I’m saying.

Helen Hunt: I’m only a quarter Jewish so I only know a quarter of what you said.

Linda Richman: Okay we have time for one last call. The number is 555-4444. Hello?

Caller #3: Hello Helen. What are you doing for Oscar Night?

Helen Hunt: I’m actually going to the Oscars.

Linda Richman: Oye I’m dying. I’ve never met anyone that’s going to the academy awards. It’s 6 degrees separate from me and oscar.

Helen Hunt: Linda, are you getting verklempt again.

Linda Richman: Talk amongst yourselves. I’ll give yes another topic. Durane Durane is neither a Durane nor a Durane. Discuss. There I feel better. Okay that’s all the time we have this week. My guest has been Helen Hunt. Again I’m mad about you.

Helen Hunt: And I’m mad about you.

Linda Richman: You look great in beige. How one person can look that good in that vercockhta color. I will never know. There you have it goodnight.

(scene fades)

Thanks to Robert Wilczak for this transcript!

SNL Transcripts

Total Bastard Airlines

Steward…..David Spade
Stewardess…..Helen Hunt
Passenger 1…..Kevin Nealon
Passenger 2…..Jay Mohr
Passenger 3…..Mike Myers
Passenger 4…..Chris Farley
Passenger 5…..Sarah Silverman
Pilot…..Julia Sweeney
Passenger 6…..Rob Schneider
Passenger 7…..Adam Sandler
Passenger 8…..Norm MacDonald
Passenger 9…..Ellen Cleghorne
Passenger 10…..Tim Meadows
Passenger 11…..Tom Davis

Intercom: This concludes the safest part of our journey. Thank you for flying Total Bastard Airlines. As we indicated at the start of the flight, we at Total Bastard Airlines are bitter about the career paths we have taken, and we do then to take that out on our passengers. We at Total Bastard Airlines realize that in your travel plans you have a choice of many airlines, but we’d like to thank you for flying the blue skies of Total Bastard.

Steward: Okay, here we go – thanks for flying with us, buh-bye. Buh-bye! Thanks, now. Buh-bye.

Stewardess: Buh-bye. Buh-bye. Buh-bye.

Steward: Buh-bye. Buh-bye. Hey, you live here in Pittsburgh?

Passenger 1: Uh.. no, actually, I –

Steward: Buh-bye! Buh-bye.

Passenger 2: Uh, excuse me, could you tell me –

Stewardess: Buh-bye. I’m sorry, what part didn’t you understand – the buh or the bye? Buh-bye.

Steward: Buh-bye.

Passenger 3: Hi, I’m getting a connecting flight to Denver, and I was wondering if you know the gate?

Stewardess: Buh-bye.

Passenger 3: Yeah, I’m.. I’m just about..

Stewardess: Buh-bye.

Passenger 3: But if you just wait..

Stewardess: Buh-bye.

Steward: Buh-bye. Buh-bye. You’re very heavy.

Passenger 4: [ angry ] What did you say to me?!

Steward: [ defensive ] What?! I said “Buh-bye!” I just said “Buh-bye” 40 times in a row, why would I say anything else, it doesn’t make sense! Did I just say something without knowing it? No! Go! Buh-bye!

Passenger 5: Hi, I was just wondering –

Steward: No, no, no – buh-bye! Buh-bye!

Passenger 5: Excuse, me.. hello! You have been rude to me..

Steward: Buh-bye!

Passenger 5: ..the entire flight –

Stewardess: Buh-bye!

Passenger 5: No! I wanted a blanket,

Steward: Buh-bye!

Passenger 5: and you never –

Stewardess: Buh-bye!

Passenger 5: ..you never brought it to me –

Pilot: Buh-bye!

Passenger 5: And I will –

Pilot: Buh-bye!

Passenger 5: I will –

Pilot: Buh-bye!

Passenger 5: I will –

Pilot: Buh-bye!

Passenger 5: You are so rude!

Pilot: Buh-bye!

Passenger 5: I will never fly –

Pilot: Buh-bye!

Passenger 5: This is ridiculous!

Pilot: Buh-bye!

Passenger 5: Screw this!! [ exits plane ]

Steward: Thanks for coming, buh-bye.

Stewardess: Buh-bye.

Steward: Buh-bye. Today! Peg-leg!

Stewardess: Ah, good, good.. I guess this is the part of the trip where we all wait for you! How fun! Okay. Buh-bye.

Passenger 6: [ on crutches ] I’m sorry, I just broke my leg –

Steward: How strange! I swear she said “Buh-bye”, yet I still see your mouth flapping!

Passenger 6: Yeah, but I –

Steward: Ah, there it is again, the flapping mouth, how odd. I want to see motion, movement, buh-bye.

Stewardess: Buh-bye.

Steward: Okay, take care. Sorry about the leg. Buh-bye.

Passenger 7: I’m gonna be waiting for you outside in the terminal!

Steward: Great! Buh-bye.

Passenger 7: No, no, no, there’s more! I’m gonna pound your face in.

Steward: Okay, slick. Buh-bye.

Passenger 7: I’m gonna destroy you.

Steward: Buh-bye!

Passenger 7: I am gonna kick the crap out of you!!

Steward: Yeah?! Buh-bye!

Stewardess: Buh-bye.

Passenger 8: Yeah, I –

Stewardess: Knock-knock.

Passenger 8: Who’s there?

Stewardess: Buh-bye.

Passenger 8: Uh, I don’t get it.

Stewardess: There’s nothing to get. Buh-bye.

Passenger 9: Excuse me, could you tell me where the baggage claim will be?

Stewardess: Mmm.. your baggage.. right.. what was it I wanted to tell you about your baggage? Oh, yeah – nobody cares, buh-bye!

Steward: Buh-bye.

Passenger 10: Hi, uh, could you arrange for me–

Steward: Buh-bye.

Stewardess: Yeah, buh-bye.

Passenger 10: I have this carry-on, and I was just wondering –

Steward: Here’s me: “Buh-bye.” Here’s you: “I wanna say something important!” Me: “Buh-bye.” You: “I’m Joe Carry-on, let me through, I’m a big man. I don’t check nothing.” Me: “Buh-bye.” You: “I’m cool, I wear a suit, no way am I a loser.” Well, you’re wrong, now buh-bye!

Stewardess: Hi, what are you listening to?

Passenger 11: Hits from the seventies.

Steward: Whoa, the 70’s! I love the 70’s! [ singing ] “Awww, buh-bye!” “C’est bye! Buh-bye!” “Do the buh-bye!” [ whistles ] “Do the buh-bye!” “That’s the way, buh-bye buh-bye, I like it, uh-huh, uh-huh!”

Stewardess: Okay, okay, show’s over, folks, let’s move! Buh-bye! Let’s pick this thing up, let’s go for it. One.. two.. three.. buh-bye!

Steward: Bye bye, thanks a lot. Cattle. [ pikcs up phone ] Security. We’re coming off the plane now. Can we have an escort through the terminal. Thanks. Buh-bye!

SNL Transcripts

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:
March 19th, 1994

Helen Hunt

Snoop Doggy Dogg

Cindy Crawford

Rockers To Help Explain Whitewater

Cindy Crawford introduces news-explaining rockers.

Helen Hunt’s Monologue

Hunt shows clips from her regrettful early TV appearances.

Total Bastard Airlines

Employees (David Spade, Hunt) are rude to passengers.

Coffee Talk

Linda Richman (Mike Myers) chats with old family friend Hunt.

Recurring Characters: Linda Richman.

Snoop Doggy Dogg performs “Gin & Juice”

Weekend Update with Kevin Nealon

Dick Vitale (Jay Mohr) makes his Oscar picks.

Bennett Brauer’s (Chris Farley) finger quotations makes him airborne.

Recurring Characters: Bennett Brauer.

Profiles in Cowardice

Cowards discuss their weakest moments.

Emotional Director

Director (Michael McKean) has unique way to draw emotion in actress (Hunt).

The Washing Machine

In sequel, mute Ada (Ellen Cleghorne) finds a washing machine.

Snoop Doggy Dogg performs “Lodi Dodi”

Astounding Information

Inventor (Kevin Nealon) shows off his miracle egg-fryer.

“Office Space, Part 2”

Milton is cramped into a storage room.

Rob Schneider’s Girlfriend Theater

Rob Scheider’s girlfriend (Hunt) is meaner than ever, even in song.

Goodnights

SNL Transcripts

93o: Nancy Kerrigan / Aretha Franklin

Weekend Update with Kevin Nealon

…..Kevin Nealon
Frank Sinatra…..Phil Hartman
Bono…..Adam Sandler

[Rotating globe in outer space. Music.]

Announcer: “Weekend Update” with Kevin Nealon!

[dissolve to video of Kevin wearing a figure skater’s dress, spinning in a circle. Cut to the “Weekend Update” set. Applause]

Kevin Nealon: Good evening, I’m Kevin Nealon.

Smokers and tobacco industry workers marched on Washington Wednesday to protest a proposed cigarette tax hike. [As Kevin turns to watch the video played on the screen behind him, coughing sound effects are heard] The protestors, however, unexpectedly disbanded after two blocks due to emphysema.

Russian president Boris Yeltsin angrily cancelled a meeting with Richard Nixon this week after Nixon met with political rivals in Moscow. Yeltsin had scheduled this meeting with Nixon in hopes of showing the Russian people what an unpopular president really looks like. [photo of an elderly Nixon]

Well, Biosphere 2 started up again this week, and the budget for the experiment has been drastically reduced. In fact, this one’s just two guys under the sneeze guard of a Sizzlers salad bar.

And the tabloid television hit a new low this week as NBC’s Stone Phillips interviewed Jeffrey Dahmer, and ABC’s Diane Sawyer met with Charles Manson. And in perhaps the scariest interview, MTV’s Kurt Loeder did a one-hour special with Yanni.

In other TV news, the controversial same-sex kiss on “Roseanne” propelled it to #1 in the Nielsen ratings last week. Hoping for a similar ratings boost for tomorrow’s “McLaughlin Group,” Jack Germond will soul kiss Morton Condracke.

Kevin Nealon: You do what you gotta do.

At last week’s Grammy awards, Frank Sinatra was rudely cut off before completing his acceptance speech for the Lifetime Achievement Award. Here to finish the speech he started, please welcome Old Blue Eyes himself, Frank Sinatra.

[polite applause as Frank enters]

Frank Sinatra: Thanks, Chevy.

OK, here’s the rest of my speech: “Thanks for the award. Drive home safely. Good night.”

Kevin Nealon: The Chairman of the Board, ladies and gentlemen. [Kevin gives Frank a standing ovation; applause]

The Supr- The Supreme Court ruled in favor of 2 Live Crew this week for the rappers to parody the classic rock song “Oh Pretty Woman.” Legal experts knew it was going the way of the rap group when Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg interrupted with a question and Clarence Thomas said “Shut up, ho.”

Here’s a quick look at the Doppler radar. [picture of a large satellite dish] There you have it.

In entertainment news, Kurt Cobain almost reached Nirvana this week. [applause]

And on Friday, the Supreme Court ruled that homosexuals could march in Boston’s St. Patrick’s Day parade, causing sponsors to cancel the event. A spokesperson said organizers of the parade which normally attracts loud, drunken revelers were afraid to include anyone who might cause a disgrace.

Kevin Nealon: Interesting. And now, here with a St. Patrick’s Day song is U2’s lead singer, Bono. Bono, whaddaya got?

[pan to Bono; applause]

Bono: Thank you! For too many years, St. Patrick’s Day has gone hand-in-hand with reckless consumption of alcohol. But is doesn’t have to. I hope this song helps you find other fun things to do this year.

[plays his guitar, singing along]

Ohhh, Ohhh, Ohhh
Nuh-haaaaa,
Nuh-haaaaa,

Sometimes it’s fun to slide on the kitchen floor in a new pair of socks.
Sometimes it’s fun to paint dots on your face and tell people you have chicken pox.
Sometimes it’s fun to make a castle out of pudding, chocolate or butterscotch.
Then it’s fun to take that pudding and rub it all over ex-Mayor Koch.

No doing beer bongs, no Jägermeister shooters,
No head-butting your mom, no grabbing your cousin’s hooters.
Don’t get wasted this St. Paddy’s Day.
Nuh-haaaaa

Sometimes it’s fun to have a staring contest until somebody blinks.
Sometimes it’s fun to send a bar of soap to a girl you know who stinks.
Sometimes it’s fun to go to the arcade and try to get high score on Zaxxon.
Sometimes I watch “The Karate Kid” where the guy from “Happy Days” says “wax on.”

People listen to me for goodness sake!
You don’t need a beer, just have yourself a Shamrock Shake.
So green and creamy!
Green and creamy
I Dream of Jeannie
Veal scallopini
Shirley Feeney
Nuh-haaaaa

No more getting wasted, no more getting silly.
No more waking up with two naked guys from Chile.
For God’s sake, stay sober on St. Paddy’s Day.

Thank you very much.

Kevin Nealon: Bono, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you Bono. Makes a lot of sense.

Well, a new study shows that traffic lights may not give senior citizens enough time to cross the street. The problem is worse for men over 65, because many can’t walk that fast with their pants pulled up to their chests.

Alright, let’s take a look at temperatures around the country: 88, 45, 52, and 76.

Fruit of the Loom announced it will close its Franklin, Kentucky plant next month. The company will cut 180 jobs, including 179 assembly line workers and Inspector #34.

In the Big Apple, New York’s Empire State Building will soon be made accessible for the physically disabled. A spokesman said among other things a wheelchair ramp will be installed. The ramp will begin at Central Park, leading 26 blocks to up to the building’s observation deck.

There’s been so much snow in New York City, many vehicles have been completely snowed in. Fortunately, all the cabbies are safe. Crews just look for middle fingers sticking up through the snow.

Kevin Nealon: I’m Kevin Nealon, and that’s news to me.

[cheers and applause; fade]

Submitted by: Michael C. Arroyo

SNL Transcripts

St. Patrick’s Day Parade

…..Nancy Kerrigan
Mayor Duffy…..Phil Hartman
Driver…..Kevin Nealon
Drunk Dude…..Chris Farley
A Kerrigan Fan…..Jay Mohr
Inquisitive Guy…..Adam Sandler

(Mayor Duffy and Nancy Kerrigan seated on trunk of convertible with feet on back seat. In background a marching band (chroma keyed) follows the car, crowd is seen on either side. Subtitle appears: “Chipponsett Rhode Island” then fades out)

Mayor Duffy: (in a thick Rhode Island accent) Miss Kerrigan, I can’t tell you how much it means to this town that you came down here to be in our parade.

Nancy Kerrigan: Hey, it’s St. Patrick’s Day, how could I say no?

Mayor Duffy: Ah no, you don’t understand, Miss Kerrigan. This [bird? burg?] has been in the crapper ever since the fishstick plant burned down. Means a lot that a sports superstar would be here for us.

Nancy Kerrigan: It’s my pleasure, Mr. Mayor.

Driver: He ain’t kidding, Miss Kerrigan, this town is like an old, dirty toilet bowl full of puke, and, you know, you being here is like a ray of sunshine or somethin’.

Nancy Kerrigan: Oh, thank…

(Drunk Dude runs up to the car spilling beer, yells)

Drunk Dude: Irish number one! Irish number one! Irish number one!

Mayor Duffy: Get the hell outta here you damn pig!

(Mayor Duffy hits the Drunk Dude multiple times with his cane; Drunk Dude falls over and off camera)

Mayor Duffy: Oh my lord, that animal spilled beer all over you Miss Kerrigan.

Nancy Kerrigan: Oh, that’s ok; he didn’t get much on me.

Driver: I think I might have run him over Mayor Duffy.

Mayor Duffy: Oh you think it’s possible? Gee imagine if you ran over his neck so his spine shattered completely. Why, his head would flop around on his shoulders like a flounder on a dock, wouldn’t it? (mayor laughs) A man can dream can’t he Miss Kerrigan?

Nancy Kerrigan: It’s ok; all he did was spill a little beer on me.

Mayor Duffy: And for that I’m truly sorry Miss Kerrigan. For you to take time out of your busy schedule to come to a miserable, rat infested, armpit of a town like this, and have something like that happen to ya. It just breaks my heart.

(Kerrigan fan runs up to the car)

Kerrigan Fan: Hey hey.

Nancy Kerrigan: Hi.

Kerrigan Fan: What’s up?

Nancy Kerrigan: Oh, not much.

Kerrigan Fan: Hey, you were good in the Olympics.

Nancy Kerrigan: Thanks.

Mayor Duffy: Hey pal, give Miss Kerrigan some breathing room, huh?

Kerrigan Fan: Hey was I talking to you chump?

Mayor Duffy: Alright, that’s it! (Mayor threatens with cane, Kerrigan Fan runs off) You ok Miss Kerrigan?

Nancy Kerrigan: Sure, I’m fine.

Mayor Duffy: Hey, some Johnny Walker Miss Kerrigan? (pulls a flask out of his jacket)

Nancy Kerrigan: No thanks.

Mayor Duffy: Well pardon me. I know I’m just the mayor of a depressing, pus oozing, sewer of a town in Rhode Island, but I don’t have any diseases, I can assure you that.

Driver: You ok back there Mayor Duffy?

Mayor Duffy: (Irish accent) Oh Tommy me boy, we’re having a grand old time back here. Well la di da Miss Kerrigan, happy St. Pat’s.

(Drunk Dude climbs up behind Mayor and Miss Kerrigan on the trunk of the car)

Drunk Dude: Irish number one! Irish number one! (beat repeatedly on the head by the mayor) Son of a… (falls off the car)

Mayor Duffy: I thought I crippled him before. He’ll be seeing cock-eyed for a few weeks I’ll wager.

Driver: Ain’t that Danny Doyle’s kid?

Mayor Duffy: You know, I believe that was.

Driver: (laughs) Funny story Miss Kerrigan: last year we got that Andrew McCarthy kid from the movies as our grand marshal. He was acting a little high and mighty, you know? So Danny Doyle’s oldest son and a few of his friends took him out afterwards and beat the living hell out of him.

Mayor Duffy: (laughs) Them kids were so wasted out of their minds, they kept falling over as they were kicking the esteemed Mr. McCarthy in the head.

Driver: It was a sight to behold.

(Inquisitive Guy runs up to the car)

Inquisitive Guy: Hey.

Nancy Kerrigan: Hi.

Inquisitive Guy: Hey, how’d you get that job in the Olympics?

Nancy Kerrigan: You mean skating? I uh, practiced every day for like eighteen years.

Inquisitive Guy: (laughs) Seriously, how’d you get that job?

Nancy Kerrigan: I practiced.

Inquisitive Guy: Uh-uh. I asked you a question, how’d you get that job?

Nancy Kerrigan: Uh, my father knows the president of the Olympics.

Inquisitive Guy: Oh god, must be nice.

Mayor Duffy: Alright that’s enough, back off! (waves cane at Inquisitive Guy)

Inquisitive Guy: Hey get that cane out of my face! (throws beer on Mayor and Miss Kerrigan)

Mayor Duffy: Argh!

Inquisitive Guy: Here’s some for you. (throws some beer at Driver)

Mayor Duffy: Aw geeze. Well, it wouldn’t be St. Paddy’s Day if you didn’t get soaked with beer before noon, hunh Miss Kerrigan?

Nancy Kerrigan: Right.

Mayor Duffy: You gotta love it.

Driver: So Miss Kerrigan, you think your father’s friend could get my son a job at the olympics?

Mayor Duffy: Pipe down there Tommy.

Driver: Nice day for a parade Mayor Duffy.

Mayor Duffy: Aww, it surly is. I just wish we could keep driving right the hell out of this foul, nauseating, garbage dump of a town.

Driver: Yeah, it would be nice, would be nice.

Mayor Duffy: Forget this hell on earth even exists.

Nancy Kerrigan: But you’re the mayor.

Mayor Duffy: Well, a man can dream Miss Kerrigan, a man can dream.

Submitted by: Jeb

SNL Transcripts

Nancy Kerrigan’s Monologue

…..Nancy Kerrigan
Male Audience Member 1…..Dave Attell
Male Audience Member 2…..James Downey
Male Audience Member 3…..Fred Wolf
Male Audience Member 4…..Norm MacDonald
Oksana Baiul…..David Spade
Translator…..Michael McKean
Female Audience Member 1…..Sarah Silverman
Male Audience Member 5…..Jay Mohr
Male Audience Member 6…..Tom Davis
Female Audience Member 2…..
Jeff Gillooly…..Rob Schneider
Tonya Harding…..Melanie Hutsell
Shawn Eckhardt…..Chris Farley

Nancy Kerrigan: Thank you very much, thanks, thanks, thank you very much, thanks (speaking over applause). It’s a thrill to be here hosting “Saturday Night Live”. Before we begin I’d like to clear something up. When I was at Disneyworld, on the float with Mickey, what I actually said was, “This is the horniest thing I’ve ever done.” (much audience laughter) But the real reason I’m happy to be on the show tonight, this is my chance to get some things off my chest. I’m here on live TV, uncensored, and I’m ready to talk. So, go ahead, no topic is off limits, ask me anything you want about the last few months. (turns to acknowledge audience member) Over here?

(Male Audience Member 1 in audience standing up)

Male Audience Member 1: Yeah, I don’t know how to say this so I’m just gonna ask, what exactly is an axle? (much audience laughter)

Nancy Kerrigan: Well ok, an axle is the only jump that takes off going foreword. You jump from one outside edge of one skate, and you land on the outside edge of the other skate. Yes, over here. (turns to acknowledge audience member)

(Male Audience Member 2 in audience standing up)

Male Audience Member 2: Umm, can I ask you a question about Tonya Harding?

Nancy Kerrigan: Sure.

Male Audience Member 2: Are you jealous of Tonya Harding (much audience laughter), I mean you work so hard all your life and then she just steps in and wins 5 gold medals. (much audience laughter)

Nancy Kerrigan: Tonya Harding didn’t win 5 gold medals.

Male Audience Member 2: Di..did I say Tonya Harding? I meant Bonnie Blair. (much audience laughter) Are you jealous of Bonnie Blair?

Nancy Kerrigan: Well, no I was really happy for Bonnie Blair, she’s great.

Male Audience Member 2: Oh…

Nancy Kerrigan: Yes, over here. (turns to acknowledge audience member)

(Male Audience Member 3 in audience standing up)

Male Audience Member 3: Yeah, uhh, I think it’s very brave of you to come out here tonight and talk about Tonya Harding, I can’t believe you’ve been quiet this long. Now, I have a question about speed skates, why are they longer than regular figure skates? (much audience laughter)

Nancy Kerrigan: Well…

Male Audience Member 3: I mean it seems like you could go faster on shorter skates.

Nancy Kerrigan: Well, I don’t know the physics of it, but I think the longer skates give you more leverage. Uhh yes. (turns to acknowledge audience member)

(Male Audience Member 2 in audience standing up again)

Male Audience Member 2: Uh yeah, I have another question, uhh, after all this, do you hate Tonya Harding? I… (puts hand to head)…I did it again, I meant Bonnie Blair. (much audience laughter) I… I’ve got Tonya Harding on the brain.

Nancy Kerrigan: No, I don’t hate Bonnie Blair; I just said that she’s great. But I would like talk about what’s happened to me recently. Uhh yes over here. (turns to acknowledge audience member)

(Male Audience Member 4 in audience standing up)

Male Audience Member 4: Yeah, I got a question, uhh, wasn’t it great that, after falling all those times, Tonya Harding finally won a gold?

Nancy Kerrigan: I think you mean Dan Jansen’s gold.

Male Audience Member 4: Yeah. Dan Jan… didn’t I say Dan Jansen? (much audience laughter)

Nancy Kerrigan: No, you said Tonya Harding.

Male Audience Member 4: Geeze, now he’s got me doing it.

(shot of Male Audience Member 2)

(much audience laughter)

Nancy Kerrigan: Ok, yes over here. (turns to acknowledge two audience members)

(Translator and Oksana Baiul in audience standing up)

(much audience laughter)

Oksana Baiul: (light whimpering, sad expression)

Nancy Kerrigan: Oksana Baiul, I’m glad you’re here.

(Oksana speaks inaudibly to Translator)

Translator: (Russian accent, translating) She says, she says she does not speak English, and nothing you say is making any sense, because the language you’re speaking is not the language she is speaks in her country.

Nancy Kerrigan: Ok, over here. (turns to acknowledge audience member)

(Female Audience Member 1 standing up in audience)

Female Audience Member 1: Yeah, can I ask a question about that whole knee thing?

Nancy Kerrigan: Yes, please go ahead.

Female Audience Member 1: Yeah, uh, what makes the human knee bend? (much audience laughter)

Nancy Kerrigan: Well, it’s a ball and socket joint that swings kinda like this. (swings arm to demonstrate) Yes. (turns to acknowledge audience member)

(Male Audience Member 5 in audience standing up)

Male Audience Member 5: Uh yeah, I have a question.

Nancy Kerrigan: Ok.

Male Audience Member 5: Not for you, for the girl who asked about the knee. (much audience laughter)

Female Audience Member 1: Yeah?

Male Audience Member 5: Look, if you’re really interested about the knee, I got this great book that explains like the whole leg. (much audience laughter) So if you want it, I…I can talk to you after the show.

Female Audience Member 1: Great.

Male Audience Member 6: Umm yeah, I…I…I have a question about Tonya.

Nancy Kerrigan: Let me guess, Tonya Roberts, right?

Male Audience Member 6: No, Tonya Tucker (much audience laughter), do you think she’s had a rough life being married to Glenn Campbell?

Nancy Kerrigan: I don’t really know. Yeah? (turns to acknowledge audience member)

(Female Audience Member 2 in audience standing up)

Female Audience Member 2: Hi, is it true that because of the Martin Lawrence monologue, hosts are now only allowed to take questions from the audience?

Nancy Kerrigan: Yes, that’s true. Over here (turns to acknowledge three audience members)

(Jeff Gillooly, Tonya Harding, Shawn Eckhardt in audience stand up)

Tonya Harding: Yeah, uh, (much audience laughter) we have a question.

Nancy Kerrigan: Ok.

Tonya Harding: Uh, who’s hosting the show next week?

Jeff Gillooly: Yeah, do they need someone to host (much audience laughter), I mean we could… you know (gestures to Tonya and Shawn Eckhardt) (much audience laughter)

Nancy Kerrigan: Uhh, I think they have a host. Ok we’ve got a great show, Aretha Franklin is here (audience cheers), so stick around we’ll be right back.

(fade to black)

Submitted by: Jeb

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 19: Episode 15

79g: Martin Sheen / David Bowie

Don Mateo

Don Mateo…..Phil Hartman
Friend #1…..Mike Myers
Friend #2…..Norm MacDonald
Stacy…..Nancy Kerrigan
Pedro…..David Spade
Torino Brothers…..Chris Farley, Adam Sandler

[ A cantina in Mexico, day. Mariachi music plays in the background. The dapper-dressed Don Mateo sits at a table and welcomes two guests, who sit down. ]

Don Mateo: Welcome, my American friends.

Friend #1: Good to see you, Don Mateo.

Friend #2: How are ya, buddy?

Don Mateo: Have some sangria. We drink to friendship, to life, and most importantly, to love.

Friends: To love. [ they toast, and take a sip ]

Don Mateo: There she is … [ points elsewhere ] … the hot-blooded se–orita I told you of.

Friend #2: Oh, she’s very pretty, Don Mateo.

Don Mateo: Oh, yes. But she has a fiery temper! Her blood runs hot like the lava in a volcano. And if you get too close, SSSSSSS!! — you get burned.

Friend #1: And that doesn’t scare you away, Don Mateo?

Don Mateo: [ takes another sip ] Not at all. The more she spits fire, the stronger my love grows. Shh — here she comes.

[ Stacy approaches them with menus ]

Stacy: Hi. My name is Stacy. I’m your waitress today, and I’ll be right back — um — and I’ll be um, telling you our specials in just a minute. [ walks away ]

Don Mateo: [ giggles ] Someday, my friends, I will turn that burning heart of h’anger into a heart of love! [ nods, takes another sip ]

Friend #1: Well, good luck.

[ Stacy comes back ]

Stacy: Okay, our specials today are seared tuna, and that comes with rice and beans, and the shrimp fajita which also comes with rice and beans. Let me know when you’re ready to order. [ leaves ]

Don Mateo: Arrrrrr. You see how she tortures me, no?

Friend #1: [ sarcastic ] Oh, yeah. Oh yeah. Actually, um, are you sure she’s the one you’re talking about, Don?

Don Mateo: Of course.

Friend #2: Are you sure, Don? ‘Cause you know, a lot of these waitresses look similar, with the outfits and all, y’know?

Don Mateo: [ nods ] Just wait, my American friends. [ waves two fingers in the air ] You shall see.

Friend #1: … ‘kay.

[ Stacy comes back ]

Friend #1: Hi. Uh, I’ll have the seared tuna.

Friend #2: Yeah, me too.

Don Mateo: [ dramatically ] I, too, will have the tuna. SEARED in the ANGER of your fiery ANGER!

Stacy: Okay. So that’s three seared tunas. [ leaves ]

Don Mateo: [ giggles ] You see, she is like the snake. So pretty when coiled, but you get too close, SHE STRIKES! [ laughs ]

Friend #1: Okay. All right. But uh, right now she’s still coiled, right? I mean, she didn’t strike just now, did she?

Friend #2: Hey, maybe we missed it, uh, maybe she struck fast, and uh, y’know, we didn’t notice?

Friend #1: Yeah. Yeah.

Don Mateo: I see you do not understand Stacy Henderson as I do. You must taste her venom for yourselves. [ snaps his fingers; Stacy comes back ] Stacy, por favor, tell these gentlemen what brings you to Mexico, and tell them every fiery detail.

Stacy: Well, I’m a junior at the University of Wisconsin, majoring in communications, and I’m taking two language credits here at the Puerto Vallarta extension campus. I’ll be right back with your food. [ leaves ]

Don Mateo: [ giggles, nods ] You see? She begins to show her true colors. Surely you have heard of the University of Wisconsin? And their mascot? The badger? Have you ever come face to face with a badger?!?

Friend #1: No.

Friend #2: No.

Don Mateo: Well … [ nods ] neither have I, but I have read about them, and they are said to be very fiery-tempered! Quiet, here she comes …

[ Stacy comes back with a tray ]

Stacy: While you guys are waiting, why don’t you have some chips and salsa on the house? [ places them on a table and leaves ]

Don Mateo: Did you see that, my friends? She breathes fire like a volcano.

[ awkward pause ]

Friend #1: I gotta tell ya, Don Mateo, uh, she still didn’t seem that fiery to me.

Friend #2: [ eating chip ] This salsa’s pretty hot.

Don Mateo: Quiet — here come my sworn enemies, the Torino brothers. They hate me with a fiery HATE!

[ The Torino brothers, a mariachi duo, approach the table with a song ]

Torino Brothers: [ singing to the tune of “Cielito Lindo” ]
Oh, Don Mateo,
It’s lovely to see you this evening.
Oh, Don Mateo,
For a lifetime we’ll treasure your friendship.
Don Mateo, our amigo, our friend.

[ They leave ]

Don Mateo: Did you hear that?

Friend #1: [ sarcastic ] Yes, that fat one’s like uh, like a volcano of hate!

Don Mateo: Yes!!

Friend #1: Yeah.

Don Mateo: He is.

Friend #2: [ sarcastic ] Yeah, and how about that uh, snake of a brother of his, huh? He’s scary.

Don Mateo: Yes, you are right. Their hatred is too much, even for me. I must leave this place. Pedro! [ snaps fingers ] Bring my burro.

[ Pedro brings a stuffed donkey on wheels ]

Don Mateo: Please stay back. For my burro is fiery-tempered! He has trampled many men, just for sport. [ Pedro gives him the harness as he gets on the donkey ] Thank you, Pedro. He’s a wild one, eh?

Pedro: Yes, Don Mateo. Yes sir. Fiery tempered. Like a volcano full of snakes.

Stacy: Would you like me to wrap your seared tuna?

Don Mateo: Do not tease me, devil woman!! [ she leaves ]

Pedro: Shall I give him another push, sir?

Don Mateo: Perhaps. But be careful. If you were hurt, I would be angry at myself, and I have a fiery temper.

Pedro: Oh, yes! Yes. [ rolls the donkey away, as the two friends wave goodbye ]

[ fade to black ]

Submitted by: G. Gomez

SNL Transcripts

Goodnights

…..Nancy Kerrigan

Nancy Kerrigan: Hi. Thank you for coming. I want to — I hope you enjoyed the show. I want to thank Aretha Franklin for being here tonight. Good night!

SNL Transcripts

The Denise Show

Brian…..Adam Sandler
Denise…..Shannen Doherty (photograph only)
Denise Hayworth…..Melanie Hutsell
Linda…..Nancy Kerrigan

[open on title: “The Denise Show” over framed photograph of Denise, with music: “I Ain’t Missing You” by John Waite]

Voice Over: And now, “The Denise Show,” with your host, Brian.

[title is removed and shot widens to include Brian, sitting on a couch with a table holding the photo and a phone]

Brian: Hi, everybody. Welcome to “The Denise Show.” As you know, Denise is the girl who broke up with me twenty-one weeks ago. I loved her but she said she needed her space. Turns out the Third District Court agreed with her, and now I have to give her three hundred feet of space at all times. It looks like we got a phone call. Hello.

Caller #1: Hey, Brian, wasn’t “The Denise Show” cancelled? I thought you started going out with that girl, Sarah.

Brian: Oh, yeah, yeah. Well, we broke up. I discovered that Sarah didn’t like to do the same things I do. You know, like going through Denise’s garbage, and stuff like that.

Caller #1: Oh, yeah.

Brian: So we drifted apart.

Caller #1: Okay. Hey, keep your chin up. [hangs up]

Brian: My chin is up. [holds his face up] Way up. Okay, now’s the part of the show where I call Denise and lose my courage to speak, and then I talk to the dial tone. [lifts phone and dials]

[phone rings]

Denise: Hello? Hello? Hello?! [hangs up]

[dial tone sounds]

Brian: [quickly] I love you Denise! [hangs up] All right, that was great. Now let’s bring out my first guest. She’s a girl who I’ve been wanting to get on the show for weeks now, because her first name is also Denise. Please welcome Denise Hayworth!

[Denise Hayworth enters from stage left, Brian stands to shake her hand, and they sit]

Denise Hayworth: Hey.

Brian: Hey. So, youre name is Denise, huh?

Denise Hayworth: Yeah.

Brian: That must be great, huh?

Denise Hayworth: Yeah.

Brian: Okay, thanks for stopping by.

Denise Hayworth: Okay, thanks for having me!

[they stand and shake hands again, and Denise Hayworth exits stage left]

Brian: Okay, now it’s time for the Denise and Brian puppet show. [lifts up two small action figures] This is me [raises male figure in his left hand], this is Denise [raises female figure in his right hand]. Now, get ready. It’s a lot of fun. Hello, Denise. Hello Brian. Hey, do you want to go to the mall today? Stop smothering me! [puts the figures away] Okay, that felt nice. Okay, now let’s move on to the part of the show where I call one of those sex phone lines, and I get embarassed halfway through and hang up. Here we go. [lifts phone and dials]

[phone rings]

Phone Sex Operator: Hello?

Brian: Hello, this is Brian. What’s your name?

Phone Sex Operator: What do you want it to be?

Brian: Denise.

Phone Sex Operator: Okay.

Brian: How are you Denise?

Phone Sex Operator: I’m hot for you, Brian.

Brian: Then why did you break up with me?

Phone Sex Operator: Oh, Brian, your voice is turning me on. What do you want to do to me?

Brian: Everything.

Phone Sex Operator: Yeah. Where do you want me to touch you?

Brian: My wiener.

Phone Sex Operator: Your wiener?! Did you just say “wiener?!”

Brian: No. [hangs up] Okay, all right, it looks like we got another call. Hello.

Caller #2: Hey, Brian. I used to watch your show a few years ago. Wasn’t it called “The Linda Show” back then?

Brian: Oh, yeah, yeah, you mean this Linda, right? [lifts framed photograph of Denise and removes Denise’s photograph to reveal one of Linda]

Caller #2: Yeah, that’s her.

Brian: Yeah…that was a totally different show. That show meant nothing to me. I was really immature back then, you know. Linda broke up with me and then she moved to Florida. It was a long time ago. Here’s an old clip from “The Linda Show.”

[dissolve to clip in which Brian has braces and an afro, with title: “‘The Linda Show’ November 17, 1979”]

Brian: Okay, in our next segment, [lifts up two small action figures] this is me [raises male figure in his left hand], and this is Linda [raises female figure in his right hand]. Hello, Linda. Hello Brian. Linda, do you want to go to the Bay City Rollers concert with me? Stop smothering me! [puts the figures away] Okay, that was great.

[dissolve to present]

Brian: Boy, I made a fool of myself over Linda. Anyway, back to Denise. Now is the part of the show where I sing a song that reminds me of Denise, and I try not to cry. [singing, on the verge of tears] My love / There’s only you in my life / The only thing that’s right.

Linda: [entering from stage right, singing] My first love / You’re every breath that I take / You’re every step I make.

Both: [singing] And I / I want to share all my love with you

Brian: Oh, Linda!

Linda: You were my first love, Brian. I’m sorry I hurt you.

Brian: What are you doing here?

Linda: I’m in town for two weeks, visiting my aunt. I really miss you and I want to make up for lost time.

Brian: So, you’re going to be here for two weeks?

Linda: Yeah. As I remember, you’re quite a good kisser.

Brian: [turns to the camera] “The Denise Show” will be going on a short hiatus, but will return in two weeks at 7:30, and probably will be followed at 8:00 by an all-new version of “The Linda Show.” Good night!

[music: “Since You Been Gone” by Bus Stop, with title: “The Denise Show”]

[fade to black]

Submitted by: DavidK93

SNL Transcripts

NBC News Special Report

George Stephanopolous…..Mike Myers
President Bill Clinton…..Phil Hartman
Dierdre…..Julia Sweeney
Mike…..Tim Meadows
Sam Donaldson…..Kevin Nealon
Dana…..Ellen Cleghorne

[ SUPER: “NBC News Special Report” ]

Announcer: SNL will be delayed, so that we may bring you lvie coverage of President Clinton’s press conference.

[ dissolve to George Stephanopolous addressing reporters at the White House ]

George: Uh.. ladies and gentlemen, uh.. the President of the United States.

[ President Clinton steps forward, as George moves out of the way ]

President Bill Clinton: Thank you, George. Good evening. For the past several months, while I and my administration have tried to bring badly-needed change to this nation.. we have been working under the dark shadow of the so-called Whitewater affair. It’s time to put this sordid mess behind us, and clear up all the mess that surrounds it. That’s why I’m here tonight to “come clean.” Yes, there were many questionable transactions, conflicts of interests, and, I’m sorry to say, laws were broken. And the fact is, that one person – and one person only – bears responsibility for this affair: my wife, Hillary Rodham. The First Lady of the United States. Or, rather, the former First Lady, as of 11:30 PM this evening, when she was escorted from the White Huose by federal agents, and placed behind bars. Our national nightmare.. is over.

Now, turning to Bosnia, I’m pleased to report that tonight, for the first time in many months, we have joined together with our European allies to formulate a coherent policy which represents a positive first step toward a solution.

Reporters: Mr. President!! Mr. President!! Mr. President!!

President Bill Clinton: Yes, Dierdre.

Dierdre: Back to Mrs. Clinton for a moment, what exactly is the First Lady charged with?

President Bill Clinton: Well, the indictment covers a variety of charges ranging from.. shredding of evidence to.. uh, first-degree murder to grand theft auto, and, uh, that’s really all there is to it. Now, I would like to say something about Health Care. Our critics, for all their carping over the details of our plan —

Reporters: Mr. President!! Mr. President!! Mr. President!!

President Bill Clinton: Yes, Mike?

Mike: Mr. President? First-degree murder? Could you amplify that, sir?

President Bill Clinton: Look.. this administration has already been more forthcoming than any previous administration would be under similar circumstances! We have cooperated fully! We have nothing to hide, the facts are out: Hillary masterminded a murder and a cover-up related to her Whitewater dealings! Now, as much as you’d like to find something juicy here, that’s all there is to it! This whole thing is really more concern to the President than the American people! You see, their concerns are welfare reform and health care!

Reporters: Mr. President!! Mr. President!! Mr. President!!

President Bill Clinton: Sam?

Sam Donaldson: Mr. President.. weren’t you aware that any of this was going on?

President Bill Clinton: Well, Sam, how can you ask me that question? You know I didn’t know anything! How could I? I make no secret that my marriage is a sham! That’s why I’ve had so many affairs! Hundreds, maybe thousands, I don’t know! This administration has been more.. open about its affairs than any previous administration! Look, I’m gonna say one final word on this: my wife Hillary is the most honest, ethical, moral person I have ever known. However, the fact remains that she is a cold-blooded killer. Now, I’m gonna move on, because I feel that I’ve given you people every piece of information that you’ve asked for! Now, that’s it!

Reporters: Mr. President!! Mr. President!! Mr. President!!

President Bill Clinton: Dana?

Dana: Thank you. Uh.. will Mrs. Clinton be making any statements?

President Bill Clinton: No, she will not.

Dana: Mr. President, why not?

President Bill Clinton: [ sighs ] Because, earlier this evening, the First Lady was shot by federal authorities while trying to escape. That’s why not. She’s alive, but she won’t be answering any questions. The only statement she may possibly make is: “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Niiiiiight!!

SNL Transcripts