SNL Tonight

Sports Beat

Winn Wilkins…..Michael McKean
…..Nancy Kerrigan
John Leland…..Norm MacDonald
Jim Hillis…..Rob Schneider

[ open on four-member panel sitting on set, with SUPER: “Sports Beat” over them ]

[ dissolve to Winn Wilkins ]

Winn Wilkins: Hello! Welcome to “Sports Beat”. I’m your host, Winn Wilkins! Well, for two weeks in February, the eyes of the world were on Lillehammer and Norway, and the 1994 Winter Olympics. The games have come and gone, but we’ve got three Olympic medalists here with us tonight. First, the silver medalist in Women’s Figure Skating – Nancy Kerrigan!

[ pan out to a smiling Nancy Kerrigan ]

Winn Wilkins: Next, the gold medalist in the Luge – John Leland.

[ pan out to a reasonably-pleased John Leland ]

Winn Wilkins: And the bronze medalist in the Biathlon – Jim Hillis.

[ pan out to Jim Hillis on the end ]

Winn Wilkins: First of all, Nancy, thank you for being here with us. We understand you’ve got a very, very busy schedule, and we sure do appreciate your taking time out to come out here and talk to us.

Nancy Kerrigan: Yeah! It’s been really busy with Disneyworld, and the parades in my hometown, and all the interviews I’ve been doing. It’s been great! Crazy, but great.

Winn Wilkins: That’s terrific!

John Leland: Yeah, it’s been crazy since I got back, too, you know, uh.. down at the lumberyard where I work, uh.. it’s a busy time of year, because, uh.. this is when we get most of our, uh.. wood!

Winn Wilkins: Well, of course, the big story this Olympics, was how you, Nancy, overcame adversity. Gotta ask you this: How’s the knee doing?

Nancy Kerrigan: Well.. I still have a small bump now. But.. it really doesn’t hurt.

Winn Wilkins: How about you guys, anything you had to overcome?

John Leland: Well, a week before the Olympics, I had a, uh, spill in a practice run – I shattered both elbows. My, uh.. my insuance plan didn’t cover it, because it didn’t happen at work. So it’s been quite a strain on the pocketbook.

[ pan over to Jim Hillis, in close-up we see his face is horrifically scarred ]

Jim Hillis: I was shot in the face. As you know, in the biathlon you ski and then shoot. I was still skiing when another biathlete was shooting. Some say it cost me the silver.

Winn Wilkins: Mmm-hmm. Now, Jim, what do you think of Nancy’s knee here? It still looks pretty bad to me.

Jim Hillis: I’m sorry. Since the shooting, I.. can’t see out of this eye.

Winn Wilkins: Well, the story had a happy ending, didn’t it, Nancy? You had the chance to skate in front of two hundred million people!

Nancy Kerrigan: I was just.. not trying to think about that, um.. I’m just glad I skated to the best of my ability.

Winn Wilkins: Mmm-hmm. Now, how about you, Jim? Were you nervous?

Jim Hillis: Unfortunately, the Biathlon wasn’t televised. It turns out there.. wasn’t much interest in it.

John Leland: My event was televised. But, uh.. when it was my turn to luge, they had to.. cut away to, uh.. figure skating warm-ups.

Winn Wilkins: Let’s talk about endorsements now. I’ll bet the offers are just rolling in, huh?

Nancy Kerrigan: Well, I’ve been very lucky. I’ve got deals with Disney, Reebok, Cammpbell Soup and Revlon. We’re in negotiations with some Japanese companies.

Winn Wilkins: Mmm-hmm. How about you guys?

John Leland: I was being considered as a spokesman for a, uh, luge manufacturer. You know, I thought I’d be perfect for it, you know, because I won the gold medal in the Luge, but, uh.. they decided to go with, uh.. Nancy Kerrigan.

Nancy Kerrigan: That’s right! I forgot about that one!

Winn Wilkins: Mmm-hmm. Jim?

Jim Hillis: [ a beat ] I haven’t had any offers. I think it’s because my face was half-shot off. I gues people are frightened of me.

Winn Wilkins: Well, now the big question. Are your amateur careers over? You guys gonna turn pro?

John Leland: Well, there’s no such thing as Pro Luging. But, if there were, I’d be there in a second, I tell ya’. I’d finally get my own apartment.

Nancy Kerrigan: I’m thinking of joining the Ice Capades.

Jim Hillis: I’m hoping to watch the Ice Capades.. when it comes to my town.

Winn Wilkins: Well, we’re almost out of time with our three Olympians. Any closing thoughts?

Jim Hillis: It’s been quite an experience. I guess my only regret is.. ever getting involved in the Biathlon in the first place.

John Leland: Well, whatever happens, at least I’ve got a gold medal.

Nancy Kerrigan: I’ll buy it off of you for $500.

John Leland: Yeah, okay.

Winn Wilkins: Well.. we’d like to thank our guests, Nancy Kerrigan and.. the other two guys. See you next time on “Sports Beat”!

[ dissolve to title card, fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:
March 12th, 1994

Nancy Kerrigan

Aretha Franklin

None

NBC News Special Report

President Bill Clinton (Phil Hartman) apologizes for Whitewater, but blames Hillary.

Recurring Characters: Bill Clinton, George Stephanopoulos, Sam Donaldson.

Nancy Kerrigan’s Monologue

Audience members ask Kerrigan inane questions about skating and Tonya Harding.

Recurring Characters: Tonya Harding, Jeff Gillooly.

Crystal Gravy

(Repeat) See: 10/02/93.

Sports Beat

Kerrigan’s post-Olympics life is more successful than those of her peers.

St. Patrick’s Day Parade

Kerrigan is Grand Marshal at a small-town St. Patrick’s Day parade.

The Denise Show

First love Linda (Kerrigan) returns to visit Brian (Adam Sandler).

Recurring Characters: Brian.

Aretha Franklin performs “A Deeper Love”

Weekend Update with Kevin Nealon

Frank Sinatra (Phil Hartman) finishes incomplete Grammy Awards acceptance speech.

Bono (Adam Sandler) sings a St. Patrick’s Day song.

Recurring Characters: Frank Sinatra, Bono.

Don Mateo

In Mexico, Don Mateo (Phil Hartman) is hot-blooded for an unsuspecting waitress (Kerrigan).

Lillehammer ’94

Weight gain of Olympic skater’s (Kerrigan) partner (Chris Farley) hampens event.

Recurring Characters: Verne Lundquist, Scott Hamilton.

Aretha Franklin performs “Willing to Forgive”

Nancy At Disneyland I

Dressed as Snow White, Kerrigan greets Disneyland visitors, hawks video.

Recurring Characters: Michael Eisner, Mickey Mouse.

Black Rhythm & Blues Singers Today

Alexa Carlson (Ellen Cleghorne) interviews Aretha Franklin.

Nancy At Disneyland II

Dressed as Tinkerbell, Kerrigan spins in teacup at Disneyland, dispenses treats.

Recurring Characters: Michael Eisner, Mickey Mouse.

Aretha Franklin performs “Chain of Fools”

Nancy At Disneyland III

A Lincoln animatron (Michael McKean) joins Kerrigan in the teacup at Disneyland.

Recurring Characters: Michael Eisner, Mickey Mouse.

Goodnights

SNL Transcripts

Daily Affirmation with Stuart Smalley

Stuart Smalley … Al Franken
Martin L. … Martin Lawrence
Announcer … Phil Hartman

[Daily Affirmation opening montage: still photos ofhost Stuart Smalley float across the sky before wedissolve to a gorgeous sunset.]

Stuart Smalley V/O: I deserve good things. I amentitled to my share of happiness. I refuse to beatmyself up. I am an attractive person. I am fun to bewith.

Announcer: “Daily Affirmation with Stuart Smalley” –Stuart Smalley is a caring nurturer, a member ofseveral 12-step programs, but not a licensedtherapist.

[Dissolve to Stuart wearing his crocheted bluepullover sweater, seated in his favorite chair andgiving himself a pep talk in his full-length mirror.Also visible in the mirror is his hostile, restlessguest, Martin L., who sits beside him making faces ofimpatience and disgust.]

Stuart Smalley: I’m going to do a terrific show todayand I’m going help people, because I’m good enough,I’m smart enough, and, doggone it, people like me.[turns to camera] Hello, I’m Stuart Smalley and withme today, we have Martin L., an African-Americancomedian. Uh, and that’s the word he asked me to use,African-American. And we’re all entitled to be calledwhat we want. And, uh, Martin, I owe you an amendsbecause earlier, before the show, I – I referred toyou as black, being black.

Martin L.: [threateningly] Yeah, well, I’m no moreblack than you are white. So watch what you say.

Stuart Smalley: [smiles, to the camera] Okay. Uh, andthat is a good point, uh, you know, I mean, I am – Iam not white. Uh, I’m more … um … flesh-colored.

Martin L.: So what – so what you sayin’? Huh? Huh?[off his skin] This ain’t flesh? Huh? Why a brothercan’t be flesh, huh? Huh?

Stuart Smalley: [flustered] No! No, I, eh, I was notsaying– I do– I would never mean– I owe you anotheramends. I apologize.

Martin L.: You know what, man? I – I – I’m throughhearin’ the white man’s apology. Please!

Stuart Smalley: Well, actually, as you ‘member, I’mnot white. You see? I’m actually, you know, lighter,uh, pinker of the flesh tones.

Martin L.: Look, man, shut up, all right, with allthat. Damn! This “I’m white. I’m–” Shut up! Please!You know, I’m so tired o’ hearin’ the white man’sexcuses, all right? I still ain’t got my forty acresand a mule.

Stuart Smalley: Uh huh. Now, is this something thatour producer promised you? Because, you know,sometimes he overcommits — which is one of hisproblems. He’s a – he’s a people-pleaser and it canbecome inappropriate and–

Martin L.: You know what, man? I’m gonna tell you likethis: if you don’t shut yo’ ass up, I’m tellin’ you,man, I’m tellin’ you!

Stuart Smalley: Martin, can I – can I say something? I- I am hearing a lot of anger.

Martin L.: No, man! Okay, what you are hearin’ is fourhunnert years of oppression! That’s what you hearin’!

Stuart Smalley: Okay, that’s good! Uhh… [smiles, tothe camera] Trace it, face it and erase it! And, youknow, because your people have, you know, been throughan incredible amount of dysfunction. I mean, you know,I mean, you know, I can’t think of anything moredysfunctional than slavery, you know, unless– maybealcoholism. You know? But good for you for tracing theanger.

Martin L.: Don’t patronize me, man! Okay? You don’t know what my people have been through. Please don’t do it.

Stuart Smalley: Okay. Another good point. Um, but,still, I am feeling the anger. And – and – but that’s….. okay. It’s okay to be angry. So, Martin, I’dlike you to try something. I want you to just … beangry.

Martin L.: What?!

Stuart Smalley: You just … sit with your anger. Just… feel the anger.

Martin L.: [fidgeting animatedly] Sometimes I want toput a foot hole in somebody’s ass!

Stuart Smalley: That’s good!

Martin L.: I want to stomp it all out!

Stuart Smalley: That’s it!

Martin L.: Oh, man, sometimes I wanna WHOOP! [stareshard at Stuart, eyeball to eyeball]

Stuart Smalley: Very good. Very good. Now, how–? Doyou feel like a hug?

Martin L.: [gives Stuart the fish-eye] Please! Man,I’m not with that, all right? I ain’t huggin’ no homo!

Stuart Smalley: What did you call me?

Martin L.: Please! You heard me. I said “Ho – mo!”Fairy queen! Ass pirate!

Stuart Smalley: Okay. And, um, why would you make this assumption?

Martin L.: [starts laughing, fingers Stuart’s bluepullover as if the answer were obvious]

Stuart Smalley: [raising a hand in protest] Uh, this is not –

Martin L.: Aren’t you?

Stuart Smalley: This is not a topic to be discussed.Uh, it is very inappropriate. And I do not know whyyou assume. Because when you assume, you make an assout of Uma Thurman. [smiles, to the camera] Isn’t thata cute joke? Isn’t that clever? [to Martin] But I willnot take this from anyone — from you or anyone.

Martin L.: You know what? Listen, man, I – I– maybe Icame off wrong before. It was–

Stuart Smalley: [loses it completely and startsyelling over Martin] No, no, no, you listen! No, shutup! No, no! Shut up!

Martin L.: Brother–

Stuart Smalley: No, shut up! No, you shut up! You shutup! You shut up! And listen! Why don’t you listen?!’Cause I am not gonna stand for this! And I have had–I have put up with enough abuse in my life — ’cause Ihave been abused! And I have– And I will not take itany more. I am not– [cheers and applause]

Martin L.: [chastened, his whole attitude changes]Stuart, uh, Small, I’m really sorry. ‘Cause I’m comin’on your show, I got upset. [distressed] Look, I wasabused too, man! Do you think you–?

Stuart Smalley: Tell me about it.

Martin L.: No, do you think you the only one that was abused?!

Stuart Smalley: Tell me about it, Martin.

Martin L.: [deeply distressed, half-singing] I was alonely child – with no direction – with no purpose – I- I was neglected – Sometimes, I didn’t get huggedwhen I wanted to get hugged!

Stuart Smalley: Martin, who did you want to hug you?

Martin L.: Ohh…

Stuart Smalley: Was it – was it your dad?

Martin L.: [crying] Ohhhhhh, maaaaaaan! It was myfather! He wasn’t there, Small!

Stuart Smalley: My father wasn’t there for me either,emotionally, because he was a slave — and his masterwas the bottle.

Martin L.: Word? Your father was on the bottle, too?

Stuart Smalley: Word.

Martin L.: [both men cry] You know, Smerl… I knowhow you feel. Will you give me a hug? [they hug] Oh,Smerl! [sobbing] I love you, Smerl!

Stuart Smalley: I love you, too, Martin. I love you.

Martin L.: [suddenly uncomfortable] Ah, all right! Get off! Get off! Get off! [they break the clinch] Ah, ooh!

Stuart Smalley: Martin?

Martin L.: [relieved] That felt– Ooh, that feelsgood! I – I – I feel fresh, Smerl. Whooo!

Stuart Smalley: [smiles into the camera] That’s -that’s what I do. Well, we’ve had a terrific show.And, you know what? We deserve it.

Martin L.: Yeah.

Stuart Smalley: [turns to the mirror] Because I’m goodenough, I’m smart enough, and, doggone it, people likeme. And Martin. [Martin is visible in the mirrorbehind Stuart nodding affirmatively]

Announcer: This has been today’s Daily Affirmationwith Stuart Smalley.

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

Martin Lawrence’s Monologue

…..Martin Lawrence

Martin Lawrence: Yeah! Thank you, thank you, thank you very much. Thank you, uh-huh. Yeah! Man, man oh man, look at all these white people.

No, I guess this ain’t the Def Jam, right, so I-I guess I better be cool, huh? I got some black folks out there to back me up though. (Cheers)

Woo! All right, all right. Man, I-I am so happy to be here, this is a dream come true for me. I mean, hostin’ Saturday Night Live, I watched everybody. All of ’em on here, and I was like “when I’m gonna get my chance? When I’m gonna get my chance?” Well dammit, now is my chance. Ain’t no stoppin me now, I tell you.

It’s crazy though, I gotta talk about some things that the daggone censors are followin’ me everywhere around, wish they’d get off my ass- oops, damn, did I slip?

It’s botherin’ me, man. You know, “you can’t say this, you can’t say that,” I’m like, well, how am I gonna talk about the world? You know? I mean I need to talk about something to you all, can I- can I do it? Can I talk to y’all? (Cheers & applause) I mean, I-I hope the kids are in bed, you know, because I got to talk, y’all.

Um… Something concerns me real deeply. You know, uh, and it’s crazy, uh, and no fella has come up to me, none of the brothers, anybody, has acted like it concerns them as much as it has me.

Um… The ladies, in the 90s, have license to cut off the pilly-packers. (Laughs)Yep. They got license to cut your thing off, man. And this scares me, OK? Because I know women are mad in the 90s, especially white women, I mean, this is the year where they smash your knees and cutting the pilly-packers off.

You know what I’m saying? But I mean, I feel for that man though, man. I feel for him. cause she took his thang man, you know what I’m saying? He can’t do this (mimes intercourse). He ain’t ever gonna really be able to do this. You know, if you can’t do this in your life somethin’s missin’. You know what I’m saying? And the lady cut it off, man, and cut it off while he was asleep and he ain’t even know it was gone. He was asleep, just chillin’, you know, rubbing, having one of them dreams, (mimes sleeping man feeling for penis) and woke up and wasn’t nothin’ there.

Now what got me about the whole thing was, if she’s gonna cut it off at least she coulda left it around his bed or somethin’, you know what I’m sayin’, the man woke up with no options, couldn’t find the peely- pilly packer nowhere, you know what I’m sayin?

What she did with it, got in the car, then she got in the car with- held it in one hand drove the car with the other. Drove down the damn street and threw it in the neighbor’s yard. “Here, he’d like to visit your ass.”

It scares me, y’all. It’s sad, man, a-and how I found out, I found a brother, I heard a brother found it. You know, and it was scary cause they say he was just walkin’ down the street, mindin’ his own business, he’s chillin’, he… (mimes walking and stopping in surprise)… cause he saw this he said “Wait a minute, is that a pilly-packer? Damn.” And it was white and little, so he had to squint. (Laughs & applause)

He ain’t really know, you know, he said “Damn, well I don’t really know that person,” he wanted to pick it up but he said “I don’t know the person.” So uh, what he did was run and get a stick and scooped it up, you know and said “All right, cool, what can I do with it, can- what can I do with it,” you know, “what can I do with it?” You know?

And he thought, and he said “what would a white man do, what would a white man do?” You know, and the first thing came to the brother’s head was get it on ice, you know. So he saw an ice cream truck, you know, threw the pilly-packer on some sno-cones, you know. It scares me so bad I don’t go to bed without a Nutty Buddy by my side, y’all.

Something else concerns me and it hurts, see I’m, I’m single, I’m a single man, I don’t have nobody, I’m looking for somebody and- but I’m meeting a lot of women out there, and you got some beautiful women, but you got some out there that, uh, I gotta say somethin’. Um… some of you are not washing your ass properly.* (laughter & applause) OK? Don’t- don’t get me wrong, not all, some of you, you know what I’m sayin’, uh… I’m sorry, ‘Cause uh, listen, now, I don’t know what it is a woman got to do to keep up the hygiene on the body I know, uh, I’m watching douche commercials on television, and I’m wonderin’ if some of you are reading the instructions. I don’t think so. Y’know, ’cause I’m getting with some of the ladies, smelling odors, going “Wait a minute. (gestures with index finger) Girl, smell this! This you! Smell yourself, girl.”

Smell yourself! I tell a woman in a minute, douche! douche! Some women don’t like when you tell them that, when you straightforward with them. “Douche!” They, (imitating woman) “Forget you! You cannot douche all the time, you’re gonna wash all the natural juices out the body.” I say, well, I dont give a damn what you do, put a Tic-Tac in your ass. Put a Cert in your ass. Oh, oh, y’know, this look like a good damn place for a Stick-up up in your ass.

I’m sorry, y’all. You got to wash properly. You know, and then, you know, ’cause I’m a man, I like to kiss on women, you know, I like to kiss all over their bodies, you know. But if you’re not clean in your proper areas I can’t… you know… kiss all over the places I wanna kiss. You know, some women’ll let you go down, you know what I’m sayin’, knowin’ they got a yeast infection. (Some audience disgust) I’m sorry. Sorry. Come up with dough all on your damn lip… Got a bagel and a croissant on your lip. “Anybody got any butter?” I like jelly on mine.

Well look here, y’all, we got a great show for you tonight, cause I’m here. (Cheers and applause) That’s right. I’m here, Crash- yo, yo! Crash Test Dummies are here so yo, we’ll be back, hang on, we gonna be back, we gonna do our thing!

(removes shirt and conducts martial arts moves)

* In all repeat airings of this episode, the show cuts away here to a series of text screens with voiceover reading the following:

V/O: [ SUPER: ] “At this point in his monologue, Martin begins a commentary on what he considers the decline in standards of feminine hygiene in this country. Although we at Saturday Night Live take no stand on this issue one way or the other, network policy prevents us from re-broadcasting this portion of his remarks.

In summary, Martin feels, or felt at the time, that the failure of many young women to bathe thoroughly is a serious problem that demands our attention. He explores this problem, citing numerous examples from his personal experience, and ends by proposing several imaginative solutions.

It was a frank and lively presentation, and nearly cost us all our jobs. We now return to the conclusion of Martin’s monologue.”

The episode then cuts back to the live monologue, beginning with “Well look here, y’all.”

Thanks to Tim Harrod for this transcript!

Goodnights

…..Martin Lawrence

Martin Lawrence: Yo! I want to thank my musical guest, Crash Test Dummies. And I want to thank the cast, crew, and, most of all, you, the people, for supporting us, the show, me, myself. I love you! Good niiiiiight!

SNL Transcripts

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:
February 19th, 1994

Martin Lawrence

Crash Test Dummies

None

A Message from Jeff Gillooly

Martin Lawrence’s Monologue

Lawrence comments on pilly-packer mutilation and women who don’t clean their asses.

McIntosh Post-it Notes

(Repeat) See: 10/23/93.

Thugs

Daily Affirmation

Recurring Characters: Stuart Smalley.

Crash Test Dummies performs “Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm”

Weekend Update with Kevin Nealon

Matt Foley: Motivational Speaker

Recurring Characters: Matt Foley.

Bike Messenger

Crash Test Dummies performs “Afternoons & Coffeespoons”

The Benchwarmer

Ricki Lake

Recurring Characters: Joe Jackson, Ike Turner.

Goodnights

SNL Transcripts

Weekend Update with Kevin Nealon

…..Kevin Nealon
Ike Turner…..Tim Meadows

Kevin Nealon: Good evening, I’m Kevin Nealon.

The opening ceremonies for the 17th Olympic Games took place this morning in Lillehammer, Norway. Due to the current controversy, this marks the first time the Winter Olympics will be broadcast on Court TV.

The traditional Olympic torch was carried in on skis, and the crowd cheered until they realized the skier was actually trying to get away from Tonya Harding’s bodyguard.

On the international scene, preparing to leave Somilia, the U.S. Army will give the Somilia police 5,000 rifles, 5,000 pistols, 2.3 million rounds of ammunition, and 5,000 handcuffs and nightsticks. The weapons are government-surplus, impounded last week from New York City high schools.

And in national news, President Clinton told a group of GM auto workers in Louisiana this week that he once had an El Camino with astroturf in the back. Clinton went on to brag that, even though it was artificial grass, it was the first place he planted Flowers.

Among the cuts announced in President Clinton’s new budget proposal this week, is the student loan program. But, with four-year college tuition averaging $120,000 – for kids looking for that kind of money, they can still accuse Michael Jackson of molesting them.

In a related story, prosecutors in Santa Barbara say that if the grand jury decides to indict him, Jackson will be tried as an adult.

Well, this week marks the beginning of the Chinese New Year. People across the country celebrated, but some think Bob Packwood went a little far by wearing a lapel button saying, “Kiss me, I’m Chinese.”

In other news, there’s a movement to make Ronald Reagan’s birthday a national holiday. People would still have to go to work, but they could arrive late, make no decisions, and fall asleep before noon.

The Marine Corps Toys For Tots program came under fire this week, for fundraising mismanagement, resulting in many kids not receiving toys. As a results, kids will now be given firearms to trade under the new program, Guns For Toys For Tots.

Some sad news. Jack Kirby, the man responsible for creating superheroes for Marvel Comics, died this week. Funeral services will not be held, however, as they are planning to bring him back in a future issue.

This human interest item: According to a new compatibility study of married couples, only 25% of husbands kiss their wifw goodbye when they leave their house. However, 99% kiss their house goodbye when they leave their wife.

Well, the Florida Citrus Commission named Rush Limbaugh their new spokesperson this week. Officials say Limbaugh was chosen for his popularity, sense of humor, and uncanny resemblance to a giant grapefruit.

And on the lighter side, thew Miss U.S.A. Pageant was held last night in South Padre Island, Texas. The winner was Miss South Carolina, who outshone all other contestants by becoming the only finalist able to correctly spell “Miss U.S.A.”

Kevin Nealon: Not always an easy thing to do.

Here now, with a special Valentine’s Day message, is Weekend Update correspondent Ike Turner. Ike, what have you got?

Ike Turner: Thank you, Kevin Nealon. Well, it’s Valentine’s Day, you dig? Yet, all anybody can talk about is Nancy Kerrigan, and who did or didn’t hit her. Well, I got one thing to say, baby: I didn’t touch her! I wasn’t even there! Everybody’s always trying to blame Ike! Ike never did nothing!

Kevin Nealon: Okay, Ike, how about back to Valentine’s Day, remember?

Ike Turner: Damn, Kevin Nealon. You riding me tonight, you know that? You want Valentine’s Day, I’ll give you Valentine’s Day! [ smacks Kevin with a box of chocolates ] There you go!

Kevin Nealon: Ike! Stop it!

Ike Turner: How about you eat a whole box of candy, Kevin, there you go, just take it! [ shoves chocolates into Kevin’s mouth ]

Kevin Nealon: Ow! Ow! Ike! Come on, that hurts!

Ike Turner: [ mellowing ] Oh, baby, I’m sorry! I didn’t want this to happen again! I mean, I’ll give you anything you want, baby, just.. anything you want..

Kevin Nealon: You know what I want, Ike? I want guys like you out of my life, alright? And take your candy with you! [ shoves candy away from desk, as Ike leaves in defeat ] Ike Turner, ladies and gentlemen.. In other news this week, President Clinton announced a —

Ike Turner: [ slinking back with presents ] Kevin Nealon.. be my Valentine!

Kevin Nealon: Ike, it was not meant to be.

Ike Turner: Come on, Kevin Nealon! Take it back, baby! I fixed the candy, look! [ holds up repaired box of chocolates ] Just give me a chance, I got a song for you, Kevin Nealon!

Kevin Nealon: Ike.. I don’t know.. it’s been a long time..

Ike Turner: [ pulls out his guitar ] Come on, baby! We can do it again! We can be the best! Ain’t nobody gonna stop us – Ike and Kevin Nealon! Come on, Kevin Nealon, you know the words! “Big wheel keep on turnin’..”

Kevin Nealon: Aw, I-I don’t know, Ike.. [ shakes his head, then quickly gives in ] “Proud Mary keep on burnin’..”

Ike Turner: That’s it, baby! “Rollin’..”

Kevin Nealon: “Rollin’..”

Together: “Rollin’ on the ri-ver..”

[ music picks up; Kevin jumps up to dance, revealed to be wearing red Tina Turner dress and shimmying his legs for the crowd ]

Kevin Nealon: “Left a good job in the city! Workin’ for the man every night and day! But I never saw the good side of the city, when I hitched a ride on the riverboat queen!”

Together: “Big wheel keep on turnin’! Proud Mary keep on burnin’! Rollin’.. rollin’.. rollin’ on the ri-verrrr.”

[ they hug ]

Ike Turner: Happy Valentine’s Day, baby!

Kevin Nealon: Ike Turner, ladies and gentlemen. [ pats over his heart ] You people in the front row got a little something extra tonight. [ winks ]

This Valentine’s tip for you married guys looking for something different: why not bring home a sexy red silk dress? And if your wife likes it, give her one, too.

In a long-awaited action, police in Los Angeles today officially drew a chalk outline around Erik Estrada’s career.

This week, the northeast was hit by a record snowfall, and nation of Islam leader, Louis Farrakhan, blamed the storm on the Jews.

This week marked the 30th anniversary of The Beatles’ first appearance on “The Ed Sullivan Show”. In case you’re too young to remember 1964: TV was in black and white, records came out on 45s, and Keith Richards had his original blood.

And, finally, the New Hampshire legislature debated this week on whether to put the state motto “Live Free or Die” or “Scenic New Hampshire” on their license plates. In a related story, New York is considering changing its license plate from “The Empire State” to “Pull Over, and Get The Hell Out of My Way, You Dumb Sonofabitch!”

Kevin Nealon: I’m Kevin Nealon, and that’s news to me.

SNL Transcripts

Romantic Man

Woman…..Julia Sweeney
Boyfriend…..Chris Farley
Romantic Man…..Alec Baldwin
Guy Young…..Mike Myers
Van Piedmont…..Phil Hartman

[ open on interior, elegant restaurant on Valentine’s night ]

Woman: [ happily ] Don’t you think that this is the perfect place for Valentine’s Day?

Boyfriend: [ more interested in the meal on his plate ] Yeah. The courses are kind of skimpy.

Woman: I’m just saying, this is a very romantic place to have dinner.

Boyfriend: Really? Good. [ takes a sip from his drink ]

Woman: Are you going to tell me that you don’t know what I’m talking about again? I mean, I’m kind of hoping that tonight will be a little different.. with the candlelight, and the ambience. I thought tonight you might even tell me that you love me.

Boyfriend: Hey, come on – we’ve been living together for five years. Who else would I love? [ eyes his woman’s plate ] Are you gonna eat that?

Woman: [ frustrated ] Oh, I give up!

[ a suave gentleman dressed in a tuxedo enters the scene ]

Romantic Man: [ speaking in a sexy French accent ] Excuse me. I believe what you need.. is a romantic leading man.

Woman: Oh, my God! How did you know? Yes! I do!

Romantic Man: Allow me to introduce myself. I am a romantic man. Ze romantic man you’ve seen in so many of ze old movies. Like Cary Grant.. Clark Gable.. Charles Boyer. Who always get ze leading lady, and zey stay in love forever! You see, I, a romantic man, can stay in love. For I love love.

Woman: [ squeals with delight ] Well, Romantic Man, how do you do!

Romantic Man: Very well. Cigarette? [ offers a cigarette ]

Woman: Oh! No, thank you. I don’t smoke.

Romantic Man: I can, however. Without fear of ze cancer. Because I am a romantic man. And who is your lucky companion? [ lights his cigarette ]

Woman: Oh, uh.. this is my boyfriend, Wally.

Romantic Man: Wally, old man – would you like a cigarette? [ offers a cigarette ]

Boyfriend: No. That’s okay.

Romantic Man: See? Don’t I look better with a cigarette? [ a beat ] Now.. you are probably wondering: what exactly is ze definition of a romantic man? Life for him is divided into two emotions: love.. and waiting to be loved.

Woman: You’re kidding. So, you’re not afraid of commitment?

Romantic Man: No. In fact.. right now, I am waiting to be loved.. by you.

Woman: [ squeals ] Ooh..

Romantic Man: Would you like to meet a couple of friends of mine, while I am waiting?

Woman: Well.. sure! [ chippers happily ]

[ Romantic Man steps to the back of the restaurant, and signals to two more romantic men off-screen down a hall ]

Boyfriend: Hold on, we don’t even know this guy!

Woman: Hey, I like him.

Boyfriend: [ mimicking ] “I like him.” Yeah, well — you know.

[ Romantic Man returns with his two friends, each dressed as he is in the old Hollywood style. Romantic Man stands between Van Piedmnot and Guy Young. ]

Romantic Man: Here are two more romantic men: Guy Young and Van Piedmont. Both big oil men, and tap dancers.

Guy Piedmont: [ leans in at table ] Hello. Cigarette? [ offers woman a cigarette ]

Woman: [ delighted ] No, thank you.

Van Piedmont: Charmed, I’m sure. [ picks up woman’s hand and kisses it ] Cigarette? [ offers cigarette to the boyfriend ]

Woman: Oh! You know, that’s a great expression from the old movies: “Charmed, I’m sure.” What does it mean, exactly?

Van Piedmont: I’m not sure!

[ all three romantic men share a hearty laugh ]

Guy Piedmont: May we sit down?

[ without waiting for an answer, the three romantic men suavely pull chairs away from other tables, and sit at the woman’s table in the same positions as when they were standing. The woman is equally charmed. ]

Woman: So.. where are you from?

Guy Piedmont: Texas, actually. Mighty pretty country. I’ve got quite a spread there – three-and-a-half million acres.

Romantic Man: I’ve got 65 million acres! But it can get lonely there, when you are a romantic man who loves love.

Boyfriend: [ accusingly ] Let me ask you something, pal! Any of you have real jobs, or just, uh.. this?

Romantic Man: A job?

[ the three romantic men share another hearty laugh ]

Romantic Man: Well, I’ve been a cat burglar, a master spy, a dancer, a rogue, a rascal, and a raconteur. But being a romantic man is its own full-time job. Let me tell you what I do, in zat kind of work.

[ piano and violin music pots up ]

[ the three romantic man stand and light cigarettes in one another’s mouthes with suave ease, as the lights dim ]

Romantic Man: [ singing ]
“I love you, ’cause I’m a romaaaaantic maaaaan.
I need you, ’cause I’m a romaaaaantic maaaaan.
You can’t find a man who feels for you more ga-ga
And too romantic for words, so la-la-la-la la la.”

[ Van Piedmont kneels in front of woman ]

Van Piedmont: “I’m handsome, ’cause I’m a romantic man.”

[ Guy Young grabs woman’s shoulders from behind ]

Guy Young: “I’m frantic, ’cause I’m romantic, too.”

[ all three romantic men stand in a line; Woman dances a twirl in front of them ]

Three Romantic Men: [ singing ]
“My mind is on location with my heart, it’s true
Yes, they are, both of them loving you-ou-ou!
Ro-man-tic maaaaaaaaaaan!!”

[ the three romantic men lean in to extinguish their cigarettes on the table, as the lights come up again ]

Romantic Man: [ to Woman ] So! Shall we go, my dear, and ditch zis loser?

Woman: Well.. what would life really be like? I mean.. if I’m with you, a romantic man, forever and ever?

Romantic Man: Well, I.. don’t really know how we would live. I have no idea. Ze movie always ends before zis part. [ turns to Van Piedmont ] Cigarette?

Van Piedmont: Thank you. [ takes a cigarette ]

Romantic Man: [ turns to Guy Young ] My friend?

Guy Young: Why, thank you. [ takes a cigarette ]

Boyfriend: Sweetheart? [ Woman turns her focus to him ] You don’t need this guy, because.. well, first of all, one guy kept touching me. And, second.. I love you.

Woman: [ happy at last ] Oh, Wally, I love you, too! [ kisses her boyfriend, then stands to break the news to the romantic men, who have already walked away from the table and disappeared ] I’m sorry, all of you, but — They’re gone.

Boyfriend: [ stands ] But, still.. you have your romantic man. Happy Valentine’s Day.

Woman: Thank you, honey.

[ they kiss again, then dance around the restaurant as the scene fades ]

SNL Transcripts

Phillip the Hyper-Hypo

Phillip…..Mike Myers
Robin…..Kim Basinger

[ open on a local playground, where Robin sits at the base of the jungle gym playing with her dolly, while Phillip, tied by a harness to the gym, climbs the upper bars and attempts to free himself of his restrainment. Unsuccessful, he decides to sit next to Robin and talk to her. ]

Phillip: Hi, Robin!

Robin: Hi, Phillip.

Phillip: Hi, Robin!!

Robin: Hi, Phillip.

Phillip: Hi, Robin!!!

Robin: [ angry ] I said hello already, Phillip! Hello, hello, hello, hello-o-o-o-o!!

Phillip: [ wiping his face ] Okay. I want the news, not the weather.Robin, will you be my Valentine?

Robin: I’m already someone else’s Valentine.

Phillip: Whose?

Robin: An older boy. He gave me chocolates.

Phillip: I don’t like older boys. One time, an older boy tried tomake me eat some poo! He told me it was a tootsie roll!

Robin: Gross.

Phillip: And another ti-i-ime, some older boy peed into asoda can and made me drink it. hey told me it was Mountain Dew.

Robin: Hey, you want a Hertz donut?

Phillip: I’m not supposed to have sugar, I’m hypoglycenic andhyperactive. I’m a hyper-hypo! That’s why I wear a harness. Becausewhen I have sugar, I become a menace to myself and others.

Robin: There’s no sugar in a Hertz donut.

Phillip: Well, okay.. give me a Hertz donut!

[ Robin punches Phillip in the arm ]

Robin: Hurts, don’t it? Get it! [ laughs ]

Phillip: That’s where I got my booster shot!

Robin: Hurts, don’t it? [ keeps laughing ]

Phillip: Whatever.. okay. I love you, you know. [ talks funny ] Ilove you, you know. I have a bubble in my throat. I had a lot of dairyproducts today. I have a bubble in my throat. [ sings ] “Ohhh.. thegirls got the buns, and the boys got the hot dogs! The girls got the buns,and the boys got the hot dogs!”

Together: “The girls got the buns, and the boys got the hot dogs!The girls got the buns, and the boys got the hot dogs!” [ they laugh ]

Phillip: When you hit me in the arm, it didn’t hurt you know.

Robin: Wow. You.. you’re strong.

Phillip: Thanks.

Robin: [ laughing ] That smell isn’t everything! [ laughs ]

Phillip: I’m running away from you. You’re making fun of me.[ runs out as far as he can, until the harness holds him back. After acouple of tries, he gives up and resumes sitting next to Robin. ] Okay,I’m staying.. I suppose.. You know, at the risk of sounding pathetic,I’ll ask you again: Will you be my Valentine?

Robin: Okay, Phillip. I’ll be your Valentine, if you wat some ofmy Valentine’s Day’s chocolate.

Phillip: I can’t eat chocolate. I’m not supposed to, on accountsugar makes me go mental.

Robin: [ starts eating some of the chocolate, staining her face ]Mmm.. this choclate is really, really good..

Phillip: You’re the devil!

Robin: If you love me, you’ll have some..

Phillip: No!

Robin: Try some.

Phillip: No!

Robin: Try some!

Phillip: No!

Robin: Try some!

Phillip: No!

Robin: Try some!

Phillip: Alright, alright! [ takes a piece of chocolate ]Well, one couldn’t hurt.. [ grabs the rest of the chocolates andscarfs them down ]

[ high on the sugar in the chocolates, Phillip again tries to run freefrom the playground, but is pulled back by the harness. Too hyper to stophimself, he uses his newfound strength to pry the jungle gym from theground, then runs across the playground dragging the jungle gym behindhim, until he makes his way to the highway ]

[ fade to black ]

SNL Transcripts

Alec Baldwin & Kim Basinger’s Monologue

…..Alec Baldwin
…..Kim Basinger

Don Pardo V/O: Ladies and gentlemen.. Alec Baldwin and Kim Basinger!

Alec Baldwin: Thank you very much, thank you! Thank you! Ity’s a thrill to be hosting “Saturday Night Live.”

Kim Basinger: Especially this weekend.

Alec Baldwin: Because, as I’m sure a lot of you already know, Kim and I are newlyweds.

[ audience applauds ]

Kim Basinger: And this will be our first Valentine’s together as husband and wife!

Alec Baldwin: [ shyly ] Honey? don’t be embarrassed, but.. uh.. I love you.

Kim Basinger: I love you, too.

[ they kiss ]

Kim Basinger: But, you know, Alec.. I love you so much. I don’t want to keep anything from you.

Alec Baldwin: [ a little nervous ] Okay.

Kim Basinger: That’s why I have a confession to make: I have no respect for you as an actor. [ a beat ] Do you hate me now?

Alec Baldwin: Hate you? Hate you? Why.. the fact that you could be so honest and forthright with me on national television makes me love you more than ever!

Kim Basinger: [ happily ] That’s such a relief!

Alec Baldwin: Darling, I have a confession of my own. Uh, recently, I took the liberty of drugging you and making a plaster cast of your naked body, and, uh.. selling it to an inflatable doll company. [ a beat ] You must really hate me now.

Kim Basinger: Hate you? Why, that’s.. the most flattering thing I ever heard!

Alec Baldwin: [ relieved ] You mean it!

Kim Basinger: Why, the fact that you thought enough of my body to share it with the entire porno industry! Why, I-I couldn’t love you more than I do right now! [ suddenly uneasy again ] Darling —

Alec Baldwin: Say it.

Kim Basinger: [ at last ] Until two weeks before our wedding.. I thought I was marrying your brother Billy.

Alec Baldwin: I see.

Kim Basinger: I was going to call it off, now.. but I was afraid I would look like a real idiot, so I just.. Do you hate me, darling?

Alec Baldwin: Hate you? [ chuckles ]

Kim Basinger: [ laughs nervously ]

Alec Baldwin: You know I love my brother Billy, and the fact that we share those feelings makes me love you twice as much as before!

Kim Basinger: [ squeals happily ] Wow!

Alec Baldwin: [ becomes serious ] Darling, I want to ask you something, but I’m worried that you’ll hate me.

Kim Basinger: Nothing you could say – nothing – would make me hate you.

Alec Baldwin: Alright. How do you pronounce your last name? Is it Bay-singer, or Bass-inger? [ Kim is silent ] You hate me for not knowing, don’t you?

Kim Basinger: The fact that you would explore every possible way of pronouncing my name.. that is the most romantic thing I have ever heard. And I do love you! [ wraps her arms around Alec and kisses him ]

Alec Baldwin: [ happily ] Oh, I love you! But, which is it?

Kim Basinger: Bay-singer.

Alec Baldwin: I love you, Kim Base-singer!

Kim Basinger: Bay-singer.

Alec Baldwin: Oh, right, right..

Kim Basinger: Darling?

Alec Baldwin: Yes?

Kim Basinger: This is very hard for me to say, so I’m .. I’m just gonna say it: I wanted to host the show alone.

Alec Baldwin: Uh-huh?

Kim Basinger: Because you’re not that funny.. and it makes me nervous to be around you. [ stunned, Alec silently looks at the floor ] Alec, you’re not saying anything? Are you thinking about how much you hate me?

Alec Baldwin: Kim, I am standing here trying to find the words to express how much more I love you than I did just ten seconds ago. I’m not sure why, but what you just said, about me not being that funny, and making you feel uncomfortable, makes me the happiest man alive!

Kim Basinger: [ touched immensely ] Oh.. darling! I love you so much!

Alec Baldwin: I love you!

[ they wrap their arms around one another for a loving kiss ]

Alec Baldwin: We’ve got a great show tonight! UB40 is here!

Kim Basinger: [ arms still wrapped around Alec ] Stick around! We’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts