For Die Hard Saturday Night Live Fans
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 18: Episode 17
92q: Jason Alexander / Peter Gabriel
Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
Jack Handey V/O:
I wish outer space guys
would conquer the Earth
and make people their pets,
because I’d like to have one of those
little beds with my name on it.
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 18: Episode 17
92q: Jason Alexander / Peter Gabriel
Food Union Break Room
Mark…..Jason Alexander
Andy…..Rob Schneider
Female Customer…..Julia Sweeney
Boss…..Phil Hartman
Canteen Boy…..Adam Sandler
[ open on exterior, Food Union supermarket ]
[ dissolve to interior, employee lounge – furnished with. Mark enters, with Andy in tow. ]
Mark: This is the employees’ lounge. I like to come back here when I’m on a break. They fixed this room up about a year ago – it’s much better than hanging out up front! You know, you can really cool out, relax..
Andy: [ looking around ] Wow! A microwave and everything! [ sits on luxury sofa ]
Mark: Yeah! Yeah! I’m gonna heat up this ham and cheese sandwich I got left over from lunch! You can have half, if you want to! [ puts sandwich in microwave ] Hey, you want to listen to some music? [ approaches fancy stero system ] I’ve got Talking Heads, U2, Clapton..
Andy: Oh, Clapton sounds good!
Mark: Yeah! [ turns on acoustic version of “Layla”, snaps his fingers and sits down next to ] Pretty excellent, huh?
Andy: Yeah!
[ Female Customer opens door to employee lounge and enters ]
Female Customer: Oh. Hello.
Mark: This room is for employees only, Ma’am!
Female Customer: Well, I know.. but I need help in the Deli section, and there’s no one there.
Mark: Ma’am, I’m on a break! I mean, if you just wait by the deli counter, someone will be by to help you!
Female Customer: [ persistent ] Well, I ust need some turkey breast! Can’t you just tell me how much the turkey breast is?
Mark: I think it’s $5.49 a pound.
Female Customer: $5.49. Alright. Thank you. [ exits ]
Mark: This is no good. I can’t relax with customers coming back here and bugging us!
Andy: Yeah..
[ Mark removes his sandwich from the microwave, then leads Andy to a back room. The room is basically an oversized supply closet with a square table and two folding chairs in front of a toaster oven. ]
Mark: This is much better. Customers never come back here. There’s no microwave.. but this little toaster oven’s pretty good. [ places sandwich inside toaster oven ] This isn’t as good as the tape deck.. I mean, I’d rather be listening to Clapton.. but it’s still pretty good, huh?
Andy: Yeah. Hey, it’s nice to have some privacy!
Mark: Yeah. It sure is.
[ suddenly, the Boss enters the supply room ]
Boss: Mark, Andy. I thought you might be in here. I wanted to talk to you about moving the canned goods..
Mark: We’re on a break, Mr. Colman!
Boss: [ chuckles ] I know! I know! But I’m telling you now ’cause I won’t be around later this afternoon. You might want to write this down. [ Mark takes out pen and pad ] Okay. Move the canned vegetables over to Aisle 6; put the canned fruits on aisle 5, with the juices; and stack the specialty items over on the display rack by the produce section, across from Register 3.
Mark: [ sighs ] Okay. Got it.
Boss: I hope so. [ exits ]
Mark: Look, this is no good. I can’t relax with the boss coming back here! I just can’t enjoy the break! [ removes his sandwich from the toaster oven ] Come on. [ opens a hidden door, to enter into a hole in the wall ] Even the managers don’t know about this place, so they can’t come back here and bug us!
Andy: Yeah!
[ they sit on some old crates resting on the floor ]
Mark: There’s no toaster. But this steam pipe gets pretty hot. [ plops his sandwich over the pipe ] This cheese’ll be melted pretty soon. Okay, let’s see what we can do about some music. [ grabs a homemade radio device ] It’s a handmade radio. One of the cashiers built it from a mail-order kit. It only gets one station – but it’s still pretty good, huh?
Andy: Yeah.
[ old-time swing music plays on radio ]
[ door opens, as Canteen Boy pokes his head in ]
Canteen Boy: Mmm.. heh-heh. How’s it going, Mark? Hee. Just, uh, sliced a hole bunch of turkey for some, uh, lady, who said someone matching your description had quoted her a price of $5.49 a pound!
Mark: Annnd?
Canteen Boy: And.. well, if you’ll let me finish my sentence, I’ll get to it. Heh-heh-heh. This puts in kind of a spot, see, ’cause, uh, what she got is the smoked turkey, which is $6.00 a pound.
Mark: So, just tell her I made a mistake, okay?!
Canteen Boy: Heh-heh, yeah, well, that’s easy for you to say. You’re not the one in the line of fire, heh-heh, so to speak.
Mark: Look, we’re on a break here, Canteen Boy! Okay? Can’t you just handle it?
Canteen Boy: Heh-heh, yeah, well, I’m just saying, heh-heh-heh, take it easy, heh! Oh, yeah, while I was in here, Mr. Colman told me to remind you that, uh, you have to moved the canned goods on Aisle 8!
Mark: Yeah! Thanks!
Canteen Boy: Heh-heh-heh, yeah.. whatever! Heh-heh. [ exits ]
Mark: Sorry about that.
Andy: That’s okay, he’s gone now.
Mark: Yeah, but this place has been ruined for me, with guys like him coming back here and bugging us!
Andy: Yeah..
Mark: Come on. I didn’t think we’d have to do this, but.. I guess there’s no choice. [ stands on crate, and pulls panel away from the ceiling ] I just set this place up yesterday. [ Mark and Andy poke their heads through two holes in the ceiling, revealing a tiny insulated area with peanut shells all over the “floor” area ] It’s great! No one’s gonna bug us up here! I mean, there’s no radio or anything. But you can hear the Muzak from the store.
Andy: Yeah, that’s not too bad.
Mark: Yeah. And.. there’s no way to eat a sandwich up here, but.. there’s a few peanuts left. You can reach them with your tongue. I think there’s one right there in front of you.
Andy: That’s okay.. I’m not very hungry.. [ a mouse scatters across, and begins to nibble on Andy’s ear ] Hey.. hey, Mark..?
Mark: Yeah?
Andy: Uh.. uh.. I think there’s a mouse, chewing on my ear.
Mark: Yeah. He’ll stop. He’s just curious. Mice don’t really like human flesh. At least.. no one up here’s bothering us, though, huh?
Andy: Yeah, you’re right. This is pretty excellent.
[ fade ]
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 18: Episode 17
92q: Jason Alexander / Peter Gabriel
Black Co-Workers
Jeff…..Jason Alexander
Steve…..David Spade
Pam…..Melanie Hutsell
Sharon…..Julia Sweeney
Darnell…..Tim Meadows
Raymond…..Chris Rock
Denise…..Ellen Cleghorne
African Tribal Representative…..Warren Hutcherson
[ open at a restaurant; colleagues Sharon, Pam, Darnell, and Steve are chatting at a table; Jeff enters ]
Jeff: Well, Sharon, Pam, Darnell… it’s nice to meet you. Just let me hang up my coat, and I’ll come join you! [ leaves ]
[ Raymond, a black man with a top hat and glasses, enters ]
Steve: Hey, Raymond! There he is! [ the whole table greets Ray ]
Sharon: How are you?
Raymond: I’m all right, lemme just get a chair.
Darnell: [ stands up ] No, take mine, I’m going to the bathroom. [ leaves; Raymond sits ]
[ Jeff returns and sits down ]
Jeff: So, you guys all work with Steve, huh? Now, Pam and Sharon, I know you guys work in accounting. [ To Raymond ] Where do you work, Darnell?
Raymond: What?
Jeff: Don’t you work with these guys, Darnell?
Raymond: [ upset ] Yes, but my name’s not Darnell, it’s Raymond. I mean, what’s the matter, can’t you tell black people apart?
Jeff: [ embarrassed ] Oh… I’m sorry, man. I made a mistake. Listen, I’m buying a round of drinks, OK? Who’s drinking what?
Pam: 7-and-7?
Sharon: 7-and-7 sounds good.
Steve: I’ll take another margarita.
Raymond: And I’ll have an Amstel Light.
Jeff: OK… [ leaves ]
[ Darnell comes back ]
Darnell: Hey, Raymond, that hat and glasses look sharp together. Can I try them on?
Raymond: Sure! [ stands up and gives Darnell the hat and glasses; Darnell puts them on ] Hey, hold my seat, will ya, I’ve got a phone call to make.
Darnell: OK, sure, go ahead. [ Raymond leaves; Darnell sits down ]
[ Jeff comes back with a tray of drinks; he sits and distributes them ]
Jeff: OK, here we are… 7-and-7’s for the ladies, a margarita for Steve, and a Amstel Light for my main man Raymond! [ to Darnell ] Now, I hope the draft is OK, Raymond, and I’m really sorry about that mix-up.
Darnell: [ upset ] What the hell are you talking about, man?
Jeff: What?
Darnell: I’m not Raymond, I’m Darnell. What, do you think we all look alike or something?
Jeff: Well, I’m sorry, I saw the hat and the glasses…
Darnell: [ sarcastically ] Oh, well I guess there’s only one black person in the whole world with a hat and glasses, huh.
Jeff: I’m sorry.
Darnell: Well look… you’re a balding white guy with a blazer, I guess that makes you Bob Hope! Hey, look, everybody, Bob Hope’s making a surprise visit to the Pig & Whistle, let’s give him a hand, huh? Damn!
Jeff: Listen, I said I was sorry. Let me buy you a drink, what do you drink?
Darnell: Gin and tonic, alright? [ removes his hat ] But just remember, my name’s Darnell. Look at my hair… [ turns around to reveal a letter D buzzed into his hair ] See? D for Darnell.
Jeff: I got it. [ leaves ]
Darnell: Jeez, man, what’s up with that guy? He’s an idiot!
Steve: He said he’s sorry, it won’t happen again, he’s just a little stressed out…
[ Denise enters and walks over to the table, and is greeted by her colleagues ]
Denise: Oh, Darnell, I love your hair! Who did it for you?
Darnell: I did it myself! It’s really easy with one of these buzz pens. Sit down and I’ll show you!
[ Darnell gets up out of his chair and Denise sits down; Darnell uses the buzz pen to carve a D in Denise’s hair ]
Darnell: There you go. D for Denise. Check it out. [ Denise turns around ]
Sharon: That’s great!
Denise: Oh, I really wish I could see it!
Darnell: Hold on then, I’ll go get you a mirror. [ leaves ]
Denise: You know, I’m really tired… I could take a nap right here! [ moves drinks out of the way and puts her head down ]
[ Jeff comes back with Darnell’s drink ]
Jeff: Hey, wake up, Darnell, it’s gin and tonic time!
Pam: Uh-oh…
Denise: [ sits up in disbelief ] Who are you calling Darnell?
Jeff: But you’ve got, in your hair… the D!
Denise: Ohhhh, that D is for Denise! You think Darnell is the only black person’s name that starts with D?
[ Darnell and Raymond come back to the table ]
Darnell: Hey, what’s he up to now?
Denise: He called me Darnell!
Raymond: What’d you do, Steve? Hire the stupidest white guy you could find?
Jeff: You guys, I’m really, really sorry. I’ve got it straight now… Denise, Raymond, and Darnell. I swear, I’ll never get your names wrong again. [ to Denise ] Now Denise, what do you want to drink? This one’s on me.
Denise: [ very upset ] I don’t want anything.
Jeff: OK, but I’m buying champagne for the whole table. Now I’m serious, don’t anyone go anywhere! [ leaves, taking his chair with him ]
[ an African Tribal Representative enters, wearing traditional African clothes and carrying some envelopes ]
African Tribal Representative: Denise! Raymond! Darnell! Good news! Your change of name petitions just came through with your new African names! [ hands envelopes to Denise, Darnell, and Raymond ] Denise, your name is Kalisha, Raymond, you are now Mbaté, and Darnell, your name is Wahid.
Raymond: My African heart beats proudly today!
Denise: Mine too, Mbaté!
Darnell: Mine too. Never again will I allow anyone to address me by my former European slave name!
[ Jeff returns with glasses of champagne, and passes them out to everyone ]
Steve: [ stands up ] Whoa, whoa, Jeff…
Jeff: Here we go! OK, I’m really sorry for the confusion about the names before, but I promise it won’t happen again. So here’s to my three new friends-
Steve: Jeff, before you start…
Jeff: Come on, now, this is important… I wanna drink a toast to my three new friends and colleagues, who’s names are…
Steve: [ panicks] Uh… FIRE!!! FIRE, everybody! Get out! Run for your lives!
[ the whole restaurant clears out except for Jeff ]
Jeff: [ speaking to audience ] The little play let you just saw is about how easy it is to get angry at someone over a simple misunderstanding. This is true in real life as well. Soon, the Rodney King jury will release their verdict. And although, on the surface, I may look like one of the police officers who beat Mr. King, or like a member of one of the juries that tried them, I’m not. So please… don’t hurt me or set my house on fire. Thank you.
[ end ]
Submitted by: Paul Buxton
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 18: Episode 17
]]>
Air Date:Host:Musical Guest:Special Guests:Cameos:
April 10th, 1993
Jason Alexander
Peter Gabriel
None
Lorne Michaels
Warren Hutcherson
Clinton-Yeltsin SummitSummary: President Bill Clinton (Phil Hartman) makes an indecent proposal to Boris Yeltisn (Chris Farley) – $1.6 billion in foreign aid for one night with Naina Yeltsin (Julia Sweeney).
Recurring Characters: President Bill Clinton, George Stephanopolous.
Montage
Jason Alexander’s MonologueSummary: Broadway veteran Jason Alexander wants to put on an old-time showstopping musical number for the audience, but SNL’s low production values only allow him to hover from a string as the clouds fly past him.
Jiffy ExpressSummary: The couriers at Jiffy Express can backdate packages in order to shift the blame from lazy senders.
Note: Repeat from 10/24/92.
Woody Allen Fan ClubSummary: The members (Jason Alexander, Kevin Nealon, Rob Schneider, David Spade, Rob Smigel) of the Woody Allen Fan Club meet to discuss their idol’s personal trouble and legal mishaps.
Deep ThoughtsSummary: Jack Handey ponders the idea that laughter is the best medicine.
Transcript
Hub’s GyrosSummary: A patron (Jason Alexander) wants more juice for his gyro, sparking intense interest from the staff at Hub’s Gyros.
Recurring Characters: Hub, Helios.
Transcript
Peter Gabriel performs “Steam”
Weekend Update with Kevin NealonSummary: Bennett Brauer (Chris Farley) uses quotes-signs while describing his offbeat personality to the audience.
Recurring Characters: Bennett Brauer.
Food Union Break RoomSummary: Mark’s (Jason Alexander) quest to introduce a break room sanctuary to new hire Andy (Rob Schneider) proves fruitless, as their privacy is invaded by a customer (Julia Sweeney), their manager (Phil Hartman), and co-worker Canteen Boy (Adam Sandler).
Recurring Characters: Canteen Boy.
Transcript
Deep ThoughtsSummary: Jack Handey expresses a single wish for when Earth is conquered by the Martians.
Transcript
Mr. DeAngeloSummary: Mob boss Mr. DeAngelo (Jason Alexander) talks tough to Marcus (Tim Meadows), the punk who crossed him, when his henchmen (Phil Hartman, Kevin Nealon) hold him down, but the roles are reversed once the strongarms let go.
Ignorant ProposalSummary: In the black version of “Indecent Proposal”, the high stakes are lowered accordingly.
Recurring Characters: Billy Dee Williams, Eddie Murphy.
Deep ThoughtsSummary: Jack Handey ponders what frightens ants the most.
Tales of IronySummary: Three ironic tales bear little to no irony whatsoever.
Deep ThoughtsSummary: Jack Handey ponders the lifelessness of the desert.
Transcript
Peter Gabriel performs “In Your Eyes”
Black Co-WorkersSummary: Jeff (Jason Alexander) runs into more and more trouble when he continually confuses his black co-workers for one another.
Transcript
GoodnightsTranscript
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 18: Episode 16
Eager & Jones
Eager…..Chris Farley
Jones…..Tim Meadows
Announcer: They’ve entartained audiences for years, and now PioneerRecords is proud to present the song stylings of Eager and Jones. They’renot gay, but they sing as if they were! Here them sing!
[ SUPER: “Where Is The Love” ]
Eager: [ singing ]
“Where is the love you said you’d give to me?”
Jones: [ singing ]
“As soon as you were free
was it up to me?”
Together: “Where is the love?”
[ SUPER: “Solid As A Rock” ]
“Solid! Solid as a rock.
That’s what this love is
And the feeling’s so hot-hot-hot-hot-hot-hot!”
[ SUPER: “Wedding Bell Blues” ]
Bill! I love you so and I always will”
Eager: I look at you and see the passion I’ll find someday.”
Jones: Oh, but am I ever gonna see my wedding day?”
Together: “Won’t you marry me, Bill?”
Announcer: Jerome Eager and Tad Jones: two of the greatest voices inthe world, and two of the straightest guys you’d ever want to meet, singyour favorite songs of love as if they were gay. But that’s not all, becausethey also sing solo songs as if they were gay! Including:
[ SUPER: “It Must Be Him” ]
Eager: [ singing ]
“It must be him, it must be him
Oh dear God, it must be him
Or I would die
Yes, I will die”
[ SUPER: “He Touched Me” ]
Jones: [ singing ]
“He touched me!
He touched me!
And nothing, nothing is the same!”
Announcer: And, if you order now, you’ll recieve, as an additionalbonus, this limited Eager and Jones collection: “Songs As If They Were Really,Really Gay.”
Eager: [ singing ]
“Let’s get it on!”
Jones: “Oh baby!”
Eager: “Let’s get it on!“
Jones: “Let’s love, sugar!”
Announcer: Eager and Jones. They’re hot, but not for each other!To order, call 1-600-AS-IF-GAY, and get yours today.
Jones: We hope you enjoy our music.
Eager: We know our wives will.
[ SUPER: “Do That To Me One More Time” ]
Together: [ singing ]
“Do that to me one more time
Once is never enough with a man like you!”
[ they lean close as if they’re about to kiss, then turn their heads to thecamera and smile, shake their heads no, and continue to sing ]
Submitted by: Michael Cauley
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 18: Episode 16
Russell Simmons’ Def Magic Show Jam
Rabbit Magician….Chris Rock
Saw Magician….Tim Meadows
Assistant….Ellen Cleghorne
Announcer: Yo’! Whassup?! Stay tuned after Russell Simmons’s Def Comedy Jam for Russell Simmons’s Def Magic Show Jam!
[A guy in an loud urban ghetto costume is at the Apollo Theater in Harlem performing his magic act to a large black audience]
Rabbit Magician: Yeah, you muthafuckas don’t think I got a muthafuckin’ rabbit in this hat! Right?! I know you muthafucka’s don’t think I got a muthafuckin’ rabbit in this hat! Right?! You niggas want to see a muthafuckin’ rabbit? Cause as soon as I pull out this muthafuckin’ rabbit, ya’ll can kiss my muthafuckin’ ass! [black audience laugh hysterically, pump their fists up, jump from the seats] Now, here we go! Abraca–muthafuckin’–dabra! [pulls out a rabbit from the hat] See, I told ya’! I told ya’! I told y’all I had a muthafuckin’ rabbit! [black audience jump up and down laughing like crazy] That’s right!
Announcer: Moses Malone says: “That is some fucked up magic show!”
[A black magician with a saw on his hand and a red cape orders his assistant to get in the box he’ll be sawing her in half in.]
Saw Magician: Get in the muthafuckin’ box bitch!
Assistant: You get in the muthafuckin’ box!
Saw Magician: Hey, don’t fuck with me bitch!
Assistant: All right. But if you cut me, I’m gonna fuck you up!
Saw Magician: Shit, I cut your fat ass in half and keep the half with the pussy cause the other half talks too muthafuckin’ much!
[Black audience roars with laughter, they jump, cackle, scream, pump their fists]
[Saw Magician chases his assistant around the sawing box]
Announcer: Russell Simmon’s Def Magic Show Jam! Coming up on muthafuckin’ HBO! Boy-y-y-y-y!!!!
[fade]
Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 18: Episode 16
Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
Jack Handey V/O:
If aliens from outer space ever come
and we show them our civilization
and they make fun of it,
we should say we were just kidding,
that this isn’t really our civilization,
but a gag we hoped they would like.
Then we tell them to come back in twenty years
to see our REAL civilization.
After that, we start a crash program of
coming up with an impressive new civilization.
Either that, or just shoot down the aliens
as they’re waving good-bye.
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 18: Episode 16
Eager & Jones
Eager…..Chris Farley
Jones…..Tim Meadows
Announcer: They’ve entartained audiences for years, and now PioneerRecords is proud to present the song stylings of Eager and Jones. They’renot gay, but they sing as if they were! Here them sing!
[ SUPER: “Where Is The Love” ]
Eager: [ singing ]
“Where is the love you said you’d give to me?”
Jones: [ singing ]
“As soon as you were free
was it up to me?”
Together: “Where is the love?”
[ SUPER: “Solid As A Rock” ]
“Solid! Solid as a rock.
That’s what this love is
And the feeling’s so hot-hot-hot-hot-hot-hot!”
[ SUPER: “Wedding Bell Blues” ]
Bill! I love you so and I always will”
Eager: I look at you and see the passion I’ll find someday.”
Jones: Oh, but am I ever gonna see my wedding day?”
Together: “Won’t you marry me, Bill?”
Announcer: Jerome Eager and Tad Jones: two of the greatest voices inthe world, and two of the straightest guys you’d ever want to meet, singyour favorite songs of love as if they were gay. But that’s not all, becausethey also sing solo songs as if they were gay! Including:
[ SUPER: “It Must Be Him” ]
Eager: [ singing ]
“It must be him, it must be him
Oh dear God, it must be him
Or I would die
Yes, I will die”
[ SUPER: “He Touched Me” ]
Jones: [ singing ]
“He touched me!
He touched me!
And nothing, nothing is the same!”
Announcer: And, if you order now, you’ll recieve, as an additionalbonus, this limited Eager and Jones collection: “Songs As If They Were Really,Really Gay.”
Eager: [ singing ]
“Let’s get it on!”
Jones: “Oh baby!”
Eager: “Let’s get it on!“
Jones: “Let’s love, sugar!”
Announcer: Eager and Jones. They’re hot, but not for each other!To order, call 1-600-AS-IF-GAY, and get yours today.
Jones: We hope you enjoy our music.
Eager: We know our wives will.
[ SUPER: “Do That To Me One More Time” ]
Together: [ singing ]
“Do that to me one more time
Once is never enough with a man like you!”
[ they lean close as if they’re about to kiss, then turn their heads to thecamera and smile, shake their heads no, and continue to sing ]
Submitted by: Michael Cauley
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 18: Episode 16]]>
Air Date:Host:Musical Guest:Special Guests:Cameos:
March 20th, 1993
Miranda Richardson
Soul Asylum
None
Stephen Rea
Joe Dicso
Marv Albert The Crying GameRecurring Characters: Pat.
Montage
Miranda Richardson’s Monologue
Green & Fazio INote: Repeat from 10/10/92.
The Rain PeopleRecurring Characters: Whoopi Goldberg, Michael J. Fox.
Transcript
Daniel’s Bad NewsRecurring Characters: Adolph Hitler.
Green & Fazio IINote: Repeat from 10/10/92.
Eager & JonesTranscript
Soul Asylum performs “Somebody to Shove”
Weekend Update with Kevin NealonNote: Rob Schneider calls attention a faulty cue card when he realizes the line he read makes no sense.
MTV Spring Break U.K. ’93
Russell Simmons’ Def Magic Show JamAnnouncer: Obscenity-laced magic acts for the urban audience.
Transcript
Soul Asylum performs “Black Gold”
Deep ThoughtsTranscript
Dieter’s DreamRecurring Characters: Dieter, Susan the She-Male.
Jack McManus Bar
Goodnights
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 18: Episode 15
92o: John Goodman / Mary J. Blige
Let’s Talk and Talk and Talk and Talk and Talk About Movies
Mabel Blaster…..Julia Sweeney
Jeremy Hoffman…..John Goodman
Charlton Heston…..Phil Hartman
Executive #1…..Mike Myers
Executive #2…..Kevin Nealon
Future Man…..Chris Farley
Future Woman…..Melanie Hutsell
Mabel Blaster: Good evening, and welcome to “Let’s Talk and Talk and Talk and Talk and Talk About Movies”. I’m your host, Mabel Blaster. My guest tonight is producer Jeremy Hoffman.
Jeremy Hoffman: Thank you, Miss Blaster.
Mabel Blaster: Please, call me Mabel!
Jeremy Hoffman: Okay.
Mabel Blaster: Now, Jeremy, you are known as the moving force behind the classic futuristic science-fiction movie “Soylent Green”, in which people are given a mysterious food substance by the government.
Jeremy Hoffman: Yes, I’m very proud of “Soylent Green”, which starred Charlton Heston. In fact, I brought a clip of the dramatic conclusion.
Mabel Blaster: Oh, great, let’s take a look at it, then! The dramatic conclusion to “Soylent Green”.
[ clip plays – Charlton Heston runs in front of a green-tint background and yells teary-eyed: ]
Charlton Heston: Soylent Green is made of people! People!
[ back to the talk show set ]
Mabel Blaster: Boy, it just gives you a chill to realize that Soylent Green is made of people, doesn’t it?
Jeremy Hoffman: It does.
Mabel Blaster: Now, a couple of years later, you made a sequel to “Soylent Green”?
Jeremy Hoffman: Yes. Unfortunately, it wasn’t quite as successful. That one was called “Soylent White”.
Mabel Blaster: Oh. I understand we also have a clip from that film..
[ clip opens on two Executives typing, with huge stacks of typing paper behind them ]
Executive #1: You know, even in our modern and futuristic world, I’m surprised at how much paperwork there is.
Executive #2: Hmm.. me, too.. But at least we have a cheap and virtually inexhaustible supply of typing paper, now that it’s made out of Soylent White.
Executive #1: Do you ever wonder what’s in Soylent White?
Executive #2: No.
Executive #1: Me, neither.
Charlton Heston: Soylent White is made out of people! It’s made out of people!
[ all of three of them scream in horror ]
[ back to the talk show set ]
Mabel Blaster: Well, that gave me a chill, too, but not quite as much.
Jeremy Hoffman: Well, I’d like to point out that “Soylent White” was not pure fantasy. We did talk to a scientist who told us that if you use the right bleach and enough wood pulp, you actually could make a kind of paper out of people.
Mabel Blaster: Oh.. Well, after “Soylent White”, you made “Soylent Teal”, in which people turned into popular colors of indoor house paints.
Jeremy Hoffman: Yeah, we did.
Mabel Blaster: And that was followed by a sequel that lost even more money?
Jeremy Hoffman: That would be “Soylent Cow Pies”. I guess you could say that one was a flop.
Mabel Blaster: Here’s a clip.
[ clip opens on a futuristic couple eating a dinner of Soylent Cow Pies ]
Future Man: What a grim world it is here in the year 2527, when the only thing the government gives us to eat is “SCP”
Future Woman: Well, at least it’s hot.
Charlton Heston: Soylent Cow Pies are people! They’re people!!
Future Woman: We though we were eating cow slop!!
Charlton Heston: Noooooo, it’s people!!
[ all of three of them scream in horror ]
[ back to the talk show set ]
Mabel Blaster: I have to be totally honest – that didn’t give me a chill at all.
Jeremy Hoffman: Uh-huh.. After that, we tried a comedy called “Soylent Stooges”. I don’t even want to discuss that one.
Mabel Blaster: Well, where next for the Soylent pictures?
Jeremy Hoffman: Well, we’ve decided to go back to what got us here in the first place, Mabel. We just finished production on “Soylent Green II”, and I think we have a clip, Mabel..
[ clip plays – Charlton Heston runs in front of a green-tint background and yells teary-eyed: ]
Charlton Heston: Soylent Green is still made out of people! They didn’t change the recipe like they said they were going to! It’s still people!!
[ back to the talk show set ]
Mabel Blaster: Now, that gave me goosebumps!
Jeremy Hoffman: Yeah!
Mabel Blaster: Yeah! Thank you for joining us tonight, please stay tuned for “The Big Fat Stinking World of Nature”. I’m Mabel Blaster.
[ fade ]