Wolfman…..Christian Slater Kevin Nealon…..Policeman #1 Phil Hartman…..Policeman #2
[Scary music plays, Wolfman staring out the window]
Wolfman: Oh no, the moon is full. That means that soon Ill be changing. Changing from a normal person into a warewolf. [Looks in bathroom mirror] Oh I can feel it. Oh no, Im starting to change already. Oh I cant bare to look. [Tumbles on the ground off camera] Oh why me, why me? Oh, oh oh. [Gets up to mirror with hair on face] Its happening, look at me, Im changing into a warewolf. [Back off camera] Im still changing, on I can feel it. [back on camera] Yes Ive changed even more. Im turning into a viscious wolf, oh I cant take it. [Off camera] Im afraid when I look up again my eyebrows will be thicker, because it feels like theyre growing and becoming more wolflike. [Back on camera, hair on forehead] Oh no its happened, and now what else will happen? [off camera] It feels like, oh God can it be true? My nose is changing from a normal human nose into a wolfs nose. Yes it is, its changing, I can feel it change from a normal nose to a wolf nose. [Back on camera wearing plastic nose] Oh no I was right, a wolf nose. Please God just dont let my teeth change. [off camera] Oh, ah, ah. [on camera with fake teeth] Oh too late, the wolf teeth- its hard to talk with wolf teeth. [off camera] Good theyve changed back, now I feel like my body is changing. Oh, oh, oh my Lord, what is this strange feeling I have all over my body? As if it was changing, and I was powerless to stop it. [on camera in wolf suit] Oh Lordy, just what I was afraid of! Now Ive totally changed into a wolf, and oh no- [off camera] oh, oh [on camera] My teeth are back to wolf teeth.
[Wolfman wanders in room, 2 policemen charge in, shoot Wolfman repeatedly, Wolfman falls to ground, spooky music plays]
Policeman #1: What was that thing?
Policeman #2: It was some sort of wolf man.
Policeman #1: Look his face is changing from a wolf back to a human!
Policeman #2: Youre right! Look at it change.
Policeman #1: And now hes totally gone back to his regular face.
[Camera shows Wolfman fling out his fake teeth while on ground]
Policeman #2: His face has changed back but now I wonder if his body will change too.
Policeman #1: Yes look, his body is changing back as well, its going back to the way it was, slowly but surely. [wolf fur gets thrown at Policeman #1]
Policeman #2: Somehow he even has gotten his old clothes back on too. [pleasant music plays]
Policeman #1: Looks so sweet now. Its hard to believe that just a minute ago he was a hideous monster.
Policeman #2: Yes its hard to believe, but I guess thats why they call it The Curse of the Wolfman
Customer #1: So this place has the best wings in all of Buffalo huh?
Customer #2: Yea thats what they say.
Customer #1: Im hungry.
Waiter: Hey you guys ready?
Customer #2: Yea Im ready- you ready honey?
Customer #1: Yep Ill have half a dozen wings.
Waiter: Alright, and what kind of sauce do you want on that? Weve got the mild, medium, medium hot, hot, super fire hot.
Customer #1: Ill have the mild.
Waiter: And you?
Customer #2: Ill have a dozen wings and Ill take the super fire hot sauce.
Waiter: The super fire hot? Theyre really hot.
Customer #2: Ill give it a try.
Waiter: I mean theyre really really hot.
Customer #2: I hear ya but let me give it a shot, alright?
Waiter: I just want you to understand that its an incredibly hot sauce.
Waitress: Is there a problem?
Customer #2: Uh no, I just ordered the super fire hot wings.
Waitress: Have you had them before sir? Because theyre really really hot.
Waiter: Thats what Ive been trying to explain to him.
Customer #2: Look I appreciate your concern but I really want the super fire hot sauce. Its ok, really.
Waiter: Uh, well be right back.
Customer #1: That sauce must be really hot.
Customer #2: I guess so. How about the Braves huh?
Customer #1: [chuckles]
Manager: Hi Im Ron Julian the manager, how you doin?
Customer #2: Good.
Manager: Good. I understand youre interested in ordering the super fire hot wings.
Customer #2: Yes I am.
Manager: May I have a seat?
Customer #2: Sure.
Manager: I think you should realize these wings are really hot.
Customer #2: I know.
Manager: I mean theyre really really hot.
Customer #2: Well thats what Ive been told. Thats what the waiter there just told me.
Manager: Hes a good man.
Customer #2: Im sure he is.
Manager: Can I possibly talk you into ordering the medium hot wings? I think youll find them pretty tasty and still pretty hot.
Customer #1: You know honey, maybe you should just get the medium hot wings.
Customer #2: No no no no! Look, like I told the other guy, I appreciate your concern, but Im gonna stick with my original order.
Manager: The super fire hot wings?
Customer #2: Yes, so if someone could please go get those for me, that would be great.
Manager: [looks at waiter] Alrighty Steve. Look why dont you let me give you the mild hot wings, and afterwards if you really feel that you want the super fire hot wings, I wont stand in your way.
Customer #2: No!
Manager: Fair enough.
Waiter: [places wings on table] Enjoy your wings.
Customer #2: [tastes wing] Well jeez, not that bad. I dont know why theyre makin such a big deal out of it.
Manager: How are the wings?
Customer #2: Theyre good, Im kinda surprised though, theyre not as hot as I thought theyd be.
Manager: Still theyre pretty hot though huh?
Customer #2: Just I was expecting something really hot.
Manager: Well to be honest, I took the liberty of ordering you the medium hot wings. Now tell me, dont you find them more than spicy enough?
Customer #2: What?
Waitress: Heres your coleslaw.
Manager: Itll take the edge off the medium hot sauce.
Customer #2: I didnt order any coleslaw and I didnt order the medium hot wings. I ordered the super fire hot wings!
Manager: Sorry my apology. Kerry, would you bring the gentleman the super fire hot wings. Im sorry I was just lookin out for you honestly. Its important for me to know you really want the super fire hot wings, and now that I know I feel better about the whole thing.
Waitress: Here they are.
Customer #2: Thank you. [tastes wing, angered]
Manager: OK Im sorry youre right, I gave you the medium hot wings again. Im really sorry.
Customer #2: What the hell is going on here?
Manager: Please dont be angry with me. Steven, would you bring the release forms please?
Waiter: [pointing on paper] Sign here, and here.
Customer #2: What is this huh? Just tell me where the super fire hot wings are and Ill go get them myself.
Manager: Alright alright you win. Here they are.
Customer #2: [looks left, then right; screen freezes with scrolling message narrated by Phil Hartman, and surrendering music playing]
Message: As Scott Hanson bit into the chicken wing, his head turned a bright beet red and large amounts of smoke began to billow from his ears. Within seconds his eyes had become slot machine tumblers which spun around until both landed on the symbol for chili peppers. Next, bolting up from his chair and shouting woo-woo, Scott chugged around the room like a locomotive finally shooting through the root of Rons Wings N Things and exploding high over the Buffalo night sky. In an ironic footnote to the story, the chicken wing Scott had was only a hot wing and not the super fire hot wing he had ordered.
Kevin Nealon: Good evening! I’m Kevin Nealon, and I’m a compulsive gambler.
Speaking at Harvard yesterday, Ted Kennedy acknowledged his faults and promised to clean up his act, admitting that most of his faults involve women and alcohol. The senator promised that he would make all of his women cut down on their alcohol.
[ Headline reads: “Quayle sharpening his tongue for role as Bush’s defender” ] Doctors had to put twenty stitches in Vice-President Dan Quayle’s tongue this week, after Secret Service bodyguards pulled it out of a White House pencil sharpener.
Fromer Klansman and White Supremacist David Duke seems pretty confident he’ll be Louisiana’s next Governor. Outside a theater in New Orleans, Duke was noticably disappointed after viewing “Boyz ‘N The Hood”. Said Duke, “I was expecting something else.”
Kevin Nealon: I thought I’d take a moment for a brief editorial on the devestating conditions the Soviet economy is now undergoing. [ turns to give editorial ] The Soviet economy is now undergoing some devestating conditions.
According to a recent survey, people with blonde hair are still having more fun.
Three women, fearing another Anita Hill experience, this week backed out of a Senate subcomitee hearing. They could have walked out forward, but they didn’t even trust the senators.
Kevin Nealon: Here now, with her own unique opinion on the Clarence Thomas situation, is SNL’s #1 soul sister, Queen Shenequa. Queen?
Queen Sheniqua: Thank you, Kevin! This is Queen Sheniqua for “Update” – I’m mad about Clarence Thomas being comfirmed to the Supreme Court. The sexual harassment, that bothered me. But you know what bothered me more? He was sitting up there with that white woman, you see that? Where’s the Klan when you need them? Didn’t they start the Klan to prevent things like that? Disproportionately, successful black men marry white women – what’s up with that? Kevin’s doing very well – he’s doing “Update” now, he’s pretty successful, you don’t see him pushing up next to Queen Shenequa, do you? Do you?
Kevin Nealon: [ shaking head ] No.. no..
Queen Sheniqua: But if Chris Rock was sitting in that anchor chair, he’d be all up in Victoria Jackson’s face, like white on rice! Or black on rice, as the case may be, right, Kevin?
Kevin Nealon: Well, I’m not so sure I follow..
Queen Sheniqua: Well, follow this – you know what it is? It’s the press that black women get! For years, the only black women you saw in movies were turning tricks as hookers, a negative image. But as soon as Julia Roberts played a prostitute, she became “Pretty Woman”! Critics caled her a “modern day Cinderella”. She was a whore! Julia Roberts was a ho! Now, America can’t get enough of prostitution! Now, there’s a lot of movies – “La Femme Nikita”, “The Last Prostitute”.. now they got one called “Whore”! I got it! We need a movie to get our men back! How about, instead of “Boyz ‘N The Hood”, we could have a movie called “Man In My House”. Instead of “New Jack City”, “Man In My House”. “Jungle Fever”? “Man In My House”! Thank you, Kevin.
Kevin Nealon: Thank you, Queen Shenequa.
Well, someone is in for a lot of money tonight, when Florida draws the winning $94 million lottery ticket. Lottery officials say the odds of winning are 14,000,000:1. And, in a related story, Jerry Brown is running for President.
Imelda Marcos is planning a return trip to the Phillipines this month, with the body of her deceased husband Ferdinand Marcos. Phillipine Airlines says there will not be a problem, as long as the former President can fit under the seat or in the overhead bin.
Well, Native American Indians are protesting the Atlanta Braves’ Tomahawk Chops, saying it mocks Native American culture. The Minnesota Twins are getting their share of criticism as well, as sets of twins from all over the midwest converged on the area to protest being exploited. And it seems that the Twins’ homer-hankie waves are offensive to the Iraqis, who claim it mocks their Gulf War surrender.
Well, this just in. We have a score on tonight’s fifth game of the World Series – it’s 8 to 5.
A young man who mistook his mother for a deer shot her in the family’s backyard this week. The mistake wasn’t discovered until her head was mounted on the living room wall.
Kevin Nealon: And now, here with a report on how to stretch your Halloween dollar, is “Weekend Update” correspondent, Adam Sandler. Adam?
Adam Sandler: Halloween is coming, and it’s always loads of fun! But we have to remember – we’re living in a recession, and money is tight. So don’t go bugging your parents for these new, overpriced costumes. They’re such a ripoff! If you want an original, scary Halloween costume, just use your imagination!
You can just use your own t-shirt! Go as Crazy One-Armed Man. [ stuffs one arm under his t-shirt ] “Hey, look at me! I only got one arm, and I’m crazy! Now give me some candy, or I’ll grab you with my crazy one-arm!”
Or, how about going as Crazy One-Hand-Coming-Out-of-the-Neck Guy? [ pokes hand out from the top of his shirt collar ] “Hey! I’m Crazy Hand-Coming-Out-of-the-Neck Guy! Now, give me some candy! Don’t you think I deserve some for being this crazy?!
Or.. how about going as Crazy No-Armed-Woman? [ stuffs both arms under his t-shirt ] “I want some candy! Candy, candy! Everybody knows that Crazy Woman-With-No-Arms just loves candy! Now, give it to me, or I’ll rip your ear off!”
You can use something that’s in your house, even.. [ laughs, holds spoon to his head ] How about a spoon? “I’m Crazy Spoon-Head! And I want some candy! I don’t have a normal head, I got a damn spoon growing out of it! Now, give me some crazy candy, dammit! Ow-ooo, this spoon makes me b>crazy!”
[ picks up potted plant ] Or, just use a plant from someone’s yard! [ places plant over head ] “Hey! I’m Crazy Plant-Head, how about some candy! Come on, I’m crazy! And I got a plant coming out of my head! Don’t leave Crazy Plant-Head hanging, he needs some candy, too!”
Or, a Crazy Plant-Arm! [ pulls plant into his sleeve ] “Hey, look at this! I have a plant coming out of my arm! Isn’t that bizarre! I am crazy, I am deformed, and I am hungry! Now, give me some candy! Fork it over!”
Kevin Nealon: Hey, Adam! How about this? [ laughs, places styrofoam cup on his head ] “I’m Cup-Head! Cup-Head, hey, I want some candy, I’m Cup-Head!” [ Adam laughs ] Adam Sandler, ladies and gentlemen.
Pee Wee Herman was rushed to Cedar Simon Hospital today, after attending a Halloween costume party as Edward Scissorhands.
Kevin Nealon: For some hints on how to dress for your local weather, let’s turn now to our USA Today weather map. [ points to colored map ] If you live in the East, you may want to break out your yellow clothes; up in the North, your blue or light-blue clothes; and green, yellow and brown clothes in the Midwest, possibly a plaid ensemble. More weather tomorrow.
Don’t forget – Daylight Savings Time ends tonight, so at two o’clock, set your clock ahead 23 hours. If you’re in Central/Mountain Time, it’s 1 hour back, minus the 2 hour time difference. In New York City, and those of you on the West Coast, it’s a 3 hour time difference, 1 hour back, and 3 eggs.
Christian Slater: Thank you very much. Wow, let me just say that again, wow, Saturday night live! First of all, I want to thank everyone for tuning in, even though the World Series is still on, I understand its been a real exciting series, but weve got a real exciting show. Before we get started though, Id like to get something off my chest. This is something thats been bothering me for sometime and I wanted to take this opportunity here to deal with it once and for all, alright. Im a little tired of people accusing me of doing Jack Nicholson, OK? Of course it hasnt happened around here, you know, people at the show have been extremely supportive, very helpful. Its I dont know, maybe its characters Ive played, I dont know. Movies like Heathers, Pump Up the Volume, One Flew Over the Cuckoos Nest- no that actually was Jack, yea. But anyway, what I do is nothing like Jack Nicholson, alright? And just to prove it, Im going to do the famous diner scene from Five Easy Pieces. Now the way I do it, alright. Now first were going to show you the way Nicholson did it, so Davey if we could role that clip there. Davey? Anybody hear me? Anyone? Dave? [whistles]
[Behind the scenes, production staff is watching the game, doing the Braves chop with foam Braves sticks]
Christian Slater: Excuse me! [trying to get someones attention] Excuse me! I guess theyre watching the game. Alright, this is great guys.
[Jumps to real John McLaughlin and Lorne Michaels watching the game in front of a TV, with Braves sticks and wearing Indian headdresses]
Lorne Michaels: I always said Braves in 6.
John McLaughlin: Wrong, Braves in 7.
Christian Slater: Lorne.
Lorne Michaels: Christian, howd the monologue go?
Christian Slater: Fine, I think Im still doing it.
Lorne Michaels: Good, good. You know I said Braves in 6.
John McLaughlin: Excuse me young man, you make a better door than a window. [referring to Slater blocking the TV]
Christian Slater: Oh, sorry.
[Slater sees whole audience is doing the Braves chop]
Christian Slater: Jesus. Thats great. Well I guess theyre watching the game, but we actually really do have a great show tonight. Bonnie Raitt is here. Well be right back.
John McLaughlin Dana Carvey Real John Mclaughlin Himself Pat Buchanan Phil Hartman Morton Kondracke Kevin Nealon Jack Germond Chris Farley Fred Barnes Mike Myers
[Theme music]
Announcer: From the nations capital, The McLaughlin Group, special Halloween edition. With panelists Jack Germond [wearing skeleton costume], Pat Buchanan [wearing devil costume], Fred Barnes [wearing ghost costume] and Morton Kondracke [dressed as Spiderman]. Now heres the moderator, John McLaughlin [wearing grim reeper costume].
John McLaughlin: Issue 1: The Mideast Peace Conference, trick or treat? Will the Israelis cooperate or does the Palestinian delegation have them spooked. Pat Buchanan.
Pat Buchanan: Well I think Israel is justifiably-
John McLaughlin: Wrong! Ghost of Fred Barnes!
Fred Barnes: I dont think a withdrawal-
John McLaughlin: Wrong! Mortone.
Morton Kondracke: Well the Palestinians are-
John McLaughlin: Not scary enough. Jack-o-lantern Germond.
Jack Germond: John Id really prefer-
John McLaughlin: Wrong! The correct answer is the Middle East peace talks will be ghoulishly successful. Issue 2! A little girl was gathering wood in the forest, while her step-mother who was suddenly astormed began to brew. [lights dim] The girl took refuge in a nearby abandoned mansion. Who was lurking in the cobwebs I ask you, Mortone! [flashes flashlight at Kondracke]
Morton Kondracke: Uh a grave robber?
John McLaughlin: Wrong! Flap-a-jack-a-Germondo!
Jack Germond: I dont know, a big bad wolf?
John McLaughlin: Wrong! Youre getting cold not warm. Fred Barnes- Pat Buchanan!
Pat Buchanan: Aaaaah!
John McLaughlin: Were you scared Pat?
Pat Buchanan: Of course Im not.
John McLaughlin: Wrong! You wish you were never born! Next issue! Close your eyes. Issue 3: Is this cold spaghetti or a human brain? [displays plate of spaghetti] Jack Germond!
Jack Germond: Im not gonna play it.
John McLaughlin: Wrong! Pat Buchanan, guess if you dare. [Buchanan shakes his head] Come on Mortone I know youll try.
Morton Kondracke: Well Im gonna have to say it feels like spaghetti.
John McLaughlin: Wrong, the correct answer is: ha ha ha ha ha ha! Next issue! [turns on flashlight below his head] The corpse of Hubert Humphrey will rise from the grave ere this night is out, agree or disagree? Pat Buchanan!
Pat Buchanan: John can we please just-
John McLaughlin: Wrong! Freddy Kreuger!
Fred Barnes: Well its Fred Barnes-
John McLaughlin: Wrong! Jack Germoooooooooooondo, [high pitched voice] Jack Germooooooooondo.
Jack Germond: You know I really have no opinion on-
John McLaughlin: Maybe this will help you. [tosses black cat onto Germond, Germond scared as cat purrs]
John McLaughlin: How about you, Mor-tony Baloney.
Morton Kondracke: Well Senator Humphrey has been dead for over 15 years, so if there were a living corpse, I would think the Democrats would be no interest in John, why are you letting me talk so long? John? John? [scary music plays, McLaughlin appears dead]Voice in Background: Hoo hoo hoo, ha ha ha, ha ha ha ha ha ha!!
[The real actual John McLaughlin walks in dressed as Grim Reeper, removes hood, pushing fake McLaughlin out of his chair, and real McLaughlin takes his seat]
Real John McLaughlin: Sorry the teasing was starting to get to me so I had to take action. Issue. Our unified Europe, good for them, how about us? Boon or bean? Freddy Barnes and Noble?
Fred Barnes: Well I think we depend far too much on-
Real John McLaughlin: Wrong. Patty cake patty cake, bakers Buchanan.
Pat Buchanan: Europe ought to be concerned that-
Real John McLaughlin: Wrong! More Tony Bennett, less Tony Martin!
Morton Kondracke: Well I would have to say-
Real John McLaughlin: Wrong! Jack Jack bo back, banana bana fo fack, fee fy fo mack Ja-ack!
Jack Germond: Alright you can start the show now you big ham.
Real John McLaughlin: Itll be my pleasure. Live from New York, its Saturday Night!
Hans Dana Carvey Franz Kevin Nealon Arnold Schwarzenegger
[Yodeling music plays]
Announcer: Good evening and welcome again to Pumping Up with Hans and Franz, the informative training program for the serious weight lifter.
Hans and Franz: Alright welcome, were back.
Hans: Once again I am Hans.
Franz: Yah and I am Franz.
Both: And we are here to pump you up.
Franz: You know let me tell you something. Many of you are wondering where have we been?
Hans: Yeah thats right. We spent most of the summer in movie theaters intensely screening the Earths most important cultural event.
Both: Terminator 2.
Franz: Yah thats right, starring the worlds most popular movie star.
Hans: Yah which happens to be our cousin, perhaps youve heard of him.
Both: Arnold Schwartzaneggar.
Franz: Alright, alright. After crushing the movie industry, cousin Arnold went on a fifty state tour sponsored by president Bush.
Hans: Thats right. As you know, cousin Arnold was put in charge of the presidents counsel on physical pupitude.
Franz: Thats right, no better person. Arnolds dream is to create a flabless utopia, but alas the girly man has a formidable opponent.
Hans: Thats right, but hear me now and believe me later, we can easily crush girly men like grapes.
Franz: Thats right, and make a nice dry white wine-
Both: Savajon girls.
Hans: Thats right. And if you were ever alive, wed be rippled.
Franz: Yah thats right, yah nice ripple. So you know we followed Arnold from state
to state to lend a helping muscle.
Hans: Yah take a look at this.
Franz: Yah.
[Video begins]
Arnold Schwarzenegger: [addressing group of kids] The next exercise is for the upper body to get you really strong, some push ups ok. Now for that, were gonna have my cousins come out and show you how to do it the proper way, ok. Come on, Hans and Franz, here they are.
[Hans and Franz walk in, greet Arnold]
Arnold Schwarzenegger: Ok guys go ahead with the program, show them now.
Franz: Ok cousin Arnold, you know, but first Id like to say kids, do not be alarmed by our stunning musculature.
Hans: Yah we know youre tiny children brains cant possibly comprehend the muscles so large, the arms to strong, our bodies so firm.
Franz: Yah thats right. We know youre traumatized right now by the site of us, but believe me, our muscles do not bite.
Hans: Thats right, we put on our weight belt the same way you do.
Arnold Schwarzenegger: Ok guys, youre not scaring anybody so lets get back, get back to the exercising, thats what were doing here.
Franz: Yah I get it, child psychology.
Hans: Alright cousin Arnold.
Franz: Its very important to know how to properly flex.
Hans: Yah lets go over some simple poses like this. [Hans and Franz pose] Try it.
[kids flex]
Arnold Schwarzenegger: Guys hold on, hold it, there are more important things than posing.
Hans: Thats right, thats right, before you pose, its very important to oil your body.
Franz: Thats right, so you can accent your cuts and your muscle definition.
Hans: Yah.
Arnold Schwarzenegger: Fellas come on, we have to learn here about how to exercise.
Franz: Yah, yah cousin its all good to exercise, but sooner or later, theyre gonna have to learn how to compete.
Hans: Thats right. Ok now before you work out, its very important to shave all your body hair.
Franz: Yah thats right, we are completely hairless, believe me.
Arnold Schwarzenegger: No, no, no, no, no. Listen guys, this is not about competition, this is about exercising, listen fellas, hear me now and believe me later. What youre doing here is youre putting the carriage in front of the horse, thats not what we want to do. If you continue on this way, Im gonna twist your flab into the shape of a pacifier, and Im gonna have you suck on it until you poop your diapers, huh? How about that?
Franz: Were sorry cousin Arnold.
Hans: Yah, yah were sorry.
Arnold Schwarzenegger: Yah youre sure sorry, youre real losers. You guys are the losers, I mean youre wastes.
Hans: Yah alright, now can we please do the finale?
Franz: Please?
Hans: Please?
Arnold Schwarzenegger: Alright.Hans: Thank you, alright. [drum music plays, Hans and Franz flex their fake muscles, then Arnold flexes his real muscles, stunning the kids. Video ends]
Franz: Alright, yah, that was beautiful.
Hans: Muscles perfectly firm. You know I love the way those pictorials were just dancing the night away.
Franz: Thats right. Alright kids, one more lesson. [Hans and Franz each display 2 eggs] These are your muscles.
Hans: Yah and these are your muscles on steroids. [both smash eggs]
Both: Yah, any questions? [pause] Alright.
Franz: Until next time, he is Hans-
Hans: And he is Franz-
Both: And we just want to pump you up! [theme music plays]
Announcer: This has been Pumping Up with Hans and Franz.
Ray Combs…..Dana Carvey Bob Riley…..Kevin Nealon Sarah Riley…..Siobhan Fallon Gary Riley….Adam Sandler Devon Riley…..David Spade Craig Riley…..Rob Schneider William Thornton…..Phil Hartman Bethany Thorton…..Victoria Jackson Rebecca Thorton…..Julia Sweeney Chip Thorton…..Chris Farley Steve Thorton….Christian Slater
Announcer: Meet the Rileys – Bob, Sarah, Gary, Devon and Craig; and the Thortons – William, Rebecca, Bethany, Chip and Steve. On your mark, let’s start “the “Dysfunctional Family Feud”! And here’s your host of the “Dysfunctional Family Feud” – Ray Combs!
Ray Combs: Thank you! Okay! Alright, let’s welcome the Riley Family, and, Bob, who have you brought with you today?
Bob Riley: Well, this is my wife Sarah, and these are my sons Gary, Devon and Craig!
Bob Riley: And our champions, the Thorton Family. William, introduce us to the Thorton bunch!
William Thorton: Uh, next to me is our beautiful daughter Bethany, my wife Rebecca, and my two sons Chip and Steven. I always say I have a Full House – two Queens and a pair of Jokers! [ Chip laughs ]
Steve Thorton: That is not a full house, Dad, that’s Four of a Kind – Jokers are wild.
William Thorton: That’s enough, Steven!
Steve Thorton: I just thought..
William Thorton: Don’t think, Son!
Ray Combs: Okay.. let’s start the Feud! [ William and Bob step down ] Okay.. 100 people surveyed, 3 most popular answers are on the board: Name a reason why people won’t give up drinking! [ William hits buzzer ] William?
William Thorton: Uh.. I don’t know why I did that, because I really don’t know.. I don’t have a drinking problem..
[ “Don’t Have Drinking Problem: 31” is revealed as Number One answer ]
Ray Combs: “Don’t Have Drinking Prob!” Okay, Rileys, think of a chance to steal! [ moves to Thortons’ side ] Alright. Hello, Bethany, how are you? Two answers left. A reason why people won’t give up drinking. [ Bethany is silent ] One answer.. take a guess..
[ first strike ]
Rebecca Thorton: You did that fine, honey, everything’s gonna be alright..
William Thorton: Oh, please! Don’t coddle her!
Steve Thorton: Hey, leave Mom alone!
William Thorton: [ gritting teeth ] Stay out of this.. you’re down there for a reason!
Ray Combs: O-kay.. Rebecca, I need an answer.. three seconds..
Rebecca Thorton: Oh, I couldn’t even guess, because, as you know, Ray, we pretty well control our drinking..
[ “Drinking Under Control: 23” revealed as Number Two answer ]
Ray Combs: “Drinking Under Control”! Yes! Hi, Chip, good to see you. A reason why people won’t give up their drinking?
Chip Thorton: Because it tastes good and they like to party! Whoo-oo!
Ray Combs: Okay! Chip says because they like to party – survey says!
[ second strike ]
William Thorton: Oh, good answer, real smart..
Steve Thorton: Why don’t you lay off, Dad, huh? Somebody shut him up, please?
Chip Thorton: It’s okay, Steven, I am stupid!
Ray Combs: Steve? you have two strikes. It’s up to you. A reason why people won’t give up drinking. A chance to put your family up on the board.
Steve Thorton: Ah, who the hell cares? What difference does it make? I don’t really want to be here, anyway.
[ Which is revealed as the Number Three answer, for 17 points ]
Ray Combs: Alright! The Thortons take the bank! Sarah! Bethany! Let’s play the Feud! [ they come down to play ] Alright, 100 people surveyed, the 3 most popular answers are on the board. Name something families say to recent college graduates. [ Sarah pounds the podium ] Sarah?
Sarah Riley: Uh.. “Get out there and do your best!”
Ray Combs: Judges, can we accept that?
[ “Get Out!: 37” revealed as Number One answer ]
We can! Okay, Bethany, go back and think of a steal. Okay.. [ moves to the Rileys’ side ] Okay, Gary, something families say to a recent graduate?
Gary Riley: Uh.. “Congratulations”?
Ray Combs: “Congratulations”. Good answer? [ First Strike ] Nope, not on the board. Okay. Devon, how are you?
Devon Riley: Hi, Ray, I’m a big fan!
Ray Combs: Devon, think about this: you’ve graduated.. you come home.. and the family says?
Devon Riley: Um.. “We’re So Proud of You”?
Ray Combs: Devon says, “We’re so proud”. Survey says? [ Second Strike ] Alright, Greg, it’s up to you. Something the family says to a recent college graduate?
Greg Riley: Uh.. “We.. love you”?
[ Third Strike ]
Ray Combs: Oh.. alright, Thortons, chance to steal, all you need is one answer..
Steve Thorton: “Get a Job!”
Chip Thorton: “Should’ve gone to trade school!”
Rebecca Thorton: “College has changed you, we don’t know you anymore!”
Ray Combs: Okay! William? Something you say to the college graduate?
William Thorton: I’m gonna go out on my own, Ray, and say, “I bet you think you’re smarter than me now.”
Chip Thorton: [ complaining ] Oh, Daaad..
William Thorton: So you have a problem with that?
Chip Thorton: No, sir.. good answer, sir..
Ray Combs: Let me see, “Bet you think you’re smart now!” [ Strike ] And the Rileys keep the bank! Alright, let’s see the Number Two answer up there, if we could. [ answer revealed ] Trade School.. and the Number Three answer.. [ revealed ] College Has Changed You, I Didn’t Know Who You Are Any More.. Okay. William, your family had the answer, but you went out on your own.
William Thorton: Well, that’s okay, I don’t really care! I couldn’t care if we win or lose, I really don’t.. we don’t have to prove anything to you people!
Ray Combs: Alright. I need two more players! [ Rebecca and Gary step down ] Alright, 100 people surveyed, the 3 most popular answers are on the board: Name something you find in your bedroom closet besides clothes. [ Rebecca pounds podium ]
Rebecca Thorton: Your spare bible?
[ “Extra Bibles: 32” revealed ]
Ray Combs: Extra Bibles, yes! You’re gonna steal.. okay. Okay. Okay. Chip, very excited, okay! Chip, something in your bedroom closet besides clothes?
Chip Thorton: [ racking his brain ] Ohhh.. geez..
William Thorton: [ mean ] How about clothes you’ve gotten too fat for?
Chip Thorton: Okay, Dad.
Ray Combs: Can we see skinny clothes?
[ First Strike ]
Chip Thorton: Sorry, Dad..
Steve Thorton: [ smacks Chip on the back of the head ] Why you keep apologizing to him?
Chip Thorton: ‘Cause he’s..
Ray Combs: Okay, Steve. Something in your bedroom closet besides clothes?
Steve Thorton: A gun. A loaded gun.
[ Second Strike ]
Ray Combs: Sorry, no gun there!
Steve Thorton: Eh-eh-eh, it is, there is, I swear it!
William Thorton: You don’t have the guts!
Steve Thorton: Yeah?
Ray Combs: Okay. Something besides clothing that people keep in the closet. Three seconds.
William Thorton: Uh.. personal items?
Ray Combs: Be more specific.
William Thorton: [ whispers ] Dirty magazines?
[ “Dirty Magazines: 27” revealed as Number Two answer ]
Ray Combs: Dirty magazines! Alright, okay. Bethany. It’s up to you, you can take this one home, or give it to the Rileys. Name something you find in your bedroom closet besides clothes.
William Thorton: [ gritting teeth ] Come on!
Bethany Thorton: [ trembling ] My father?
[ William panics at her revelation ]
Ray Combs: Can we see Her Father?
[ “Your Father: 21” revealed as Number Three answer ]
Yes! The Thortons, still champions! Congratulations!
Rebecca Thorton: You see? Everything’s gonna be alright!
Steve Thorton: No, no, it’s not alright, Mom! Just because we won does not make everything alright!
William Thorton: Oh, I suppose we should lose?
Steve Thorton: That’s not the point!
Ray Combs: Well, that’s all the time we have, I’m Ray Combs, and I’ll see you next time on the Feud!
[ the families gather at the center of the game show set ]
Chip Thorton: Hey, Dad, Steve, look at me! [ dances in front of everyone, missing Steven and William getting into a fistfight off to the side ]
Announcer: Tune in tomorrow, for more of the “Dysfunctional Family Feud”!
Spokesman…..Tim Meadows Man at Party…..Chris Rock Woman at Party…..Ellen Cleghorne
[ Scene: swanky cocktail party ]
[ Coldcock Spokesman enters the room with two beautiful girls at his side ]
Spokesman: You know, when I entertain, occasionally my friends andI like to discuss just what is the best malt licquor.
Girl #1: I say Bull.
Girl #2:I say Cobra.
Spokesman: And I say it’s all just talk. Unless it’s the one theycall.. Coldcock.
[ cut to Man at Party standing near piano ]
Man at Party: There’s only one malt licquor that’ll get your headhumming.
Spokesman: [ enters ] Coldcock’s the one you’ll never seecoming. [ opens can and hands it to the Man at Party ]
[ Man at Party sips Coldcock, then holds it in front of him. Suddenly, ananimated arm jumps off of the can and punches the Man in the chin ]
Man at Party: [ reeling ] Pro-per!
Partygoers: [ whispery ] Coldcock!
Spokesman: I have yet to meet the man that can finish a wholeColdcock can.
Woman at Party: [ steps forward ] I ain’t afraid of no can of beer!Give me one! [ sips the malt licquor ] Mmm.. Coldcock.. [ the arm jumps offthe can and socks her in the jaw ] Ooh..! You one malt licquor picker!
Spokesman: Like I said – it’s all just talk, unless it’s the onethey call Coldcock. [ takes a sip of his own, then flinches upon expectingthe punch. He smiles at his own cunning, as the arm finally jumps off thecan and punches him hard across his chin ] Fan-tas-tic.. [ slowlydrops to the floor ]
Announcer: Coldcock. You never see it coming.
Spokesman: [ raises head up from the floor ] Damn. That’s one strongmalt licquor. [ drops his head to the floor again ]
Sen. Joseph Biden…..Kevin Nealon Anita Hill…..Ellen Cleghorne Judge Clarence Thomas…..Tim Meadows Sen. Edward Kennedy…..Phil Hartman Sen. Howell Heflin…..Chris Farley Sen. Strom Thurmond…..Dana Carvey Sen. Paul Simon…..Al Franken Long Dong Silver…..Chris Rock
[ open on interior, Capitol Hill, night ]
Sen. Joseph Biden: [ banging gavel ] Gentlemen! Gentlemen, please! Please! Professor Hill, I want to thank you for your.. patience here today. You’ve shown remarkable courage throughout your testimony. It couldn’t have been easy for you – or any of us – to sit here for the last seven hours and talk about penis size, or large-breasted women having sex with animals, or pubic hairs on soft drink cans, or oral sex, or the black man’s sexual prowess, or large-breasted women having sex with animals. But we appreciate your candor. [ rest of committee shake their heads and smile ] And we, uh.. hope we can reschedule you for another session tomorrow.
Anita Hill: Thank you, Senator. [ stands up to leave, bumps into next witness, Judge Clarence Thomas, and quickly walks away from him ]
Sen. Joseph Biden: The committee, at this time, would like to call Judge Clarence Thomas. Judge Thomas? [ Judge Clarence Thomas sits ] Judge Thomas, we’re sorry to have to bring you back, but, as you know, some pretty serious allegations have been made by our previous witness.
Judge Clarence Thomas: First of all, I want to say that these proceedings are a travesty!
Sen. Joseph Biden: Mmm-hmm. Well, I understand that. But you did ask Ms. Hill out on a date?
Judge Clarence Thomas: Uh.. yes, I did.
[ the committee whisper amongst themselves at the revealing testimony ]
Sen. Joseph Biden: And she refused?
Judge Clarence Thomas: That’s correct.
Sen. Joseph Biden: How did you go about asking her out for this date?
Judge Clarence Thomas: I’m not sure what you mean, Senator.
Sen. Joseph Biden: Well.. did you just go right up and ask her? Or did you have one of her friends tell her that you thought she was cute?
Judge Clarence Thomas: I just walked right up and asked her.
[ the committee whisper amongst themselves ]
Sen. Edward Kennedy: Were you, uh.. were you drunk at the time?
Judge Clarence Thomas: No, I was not.
Sen. Joseph Biden: But she wouldn’t go out with you?
Judge Clarence Thomas: No.
Sen. Joseph Biden: Was she aware that, as her boss, you could have her fired?
Judge Clarence Thomas: She must have been.
[ the committee members gasp at the shocking statement ]
Sen. Joseph Biden: And she still didn’t go out with you? [ Thomas nods no ] Now, Judge Thomas, there have been charges by Professor Hill that you talked casually with her about graphic scenes in porno movies. Is that true?
Judge Clarence Thomas: Yes, it is.
Sen. Joseph Biden: And.. did that work? Did it break the ice?
Judge Clarence Thomas: No, Senator, it actually offended her.
[ the committee is surprised the tactic didn’t work ]
Sen. Howell Heflin: Uh.. what porno movie did you talk about?
Judge Clarence Thomas: Well.. I mainly spoke about a favorite of mine, called “The Hind-Lick Manuever”.
Sen. Howell Heflin: That’s a good movie, Judge! But do you think hard-core porno is the way to go? Because I feel women prefer softer porn.
Sen. Joseph Biden: Senator Thurmond?
Sen. Strom Thurmond: I agree with Senator Heflin. Yeah, that’s right! The women like something with more stories and costumes, that’ll transport ’em to another place and time. That’s right! Women don’t like close-ups of oversized genitalia! That’s just never gonna turn ’em on!
[ committee agrees ]
Sen. Edward Kennedy: A, uh.. another good thing is to get them out on your boat for some reason, because, uh.. because then it’s really hard for them to get away.
Sen. Joseph Biden: Do you have a question, Senator Kennedy?
Sen. Edward Kennedy: Uh, yes, I do. Have you ever tried coming out of the bathroom nude, and acting like you didn’t know someone was there?
Judge Clarence Thomas: Uh.. no.
Sen. Edward Kennedy: Well, that’s too bad. Because that works, too.
Sen. Paul Simon: Um.. Judge? Judge Thomas? Judge Thomas, are you aware of that, uh.. division of our.. government.. known as the, uh.. Criminal Justice, uh.. Department?
Judge Clarence Thomas: Of course I am, Senator!
Sen. Paul Simon: Well, you know when you walk in the main entrance of the Criminal Justice Building.. there’s this receptionist with short brown hair?
Judge Clarence Thomas: The, uh.. one at the third desk on the left?
Sen. Paul Simon: No, no. The one at the big, circular desk, uh.. right there in the center there.
Judge Clarence Thomas: Oh, yes – Sandy.
Sen. Paul Simon: Yes. Sandy. Um.. do you think that she’d go out with me?
Judge Clarence Thomas: Well, Senator Simon, not knowing your technique, I feel that it would be unfair for me to prejudge your chances with her.
Sen. Paul Simon: Uh-huh. Uh.. you think it’s the bow tie, then?
Sen. Joseph Biden: Senator Simon. Please.
Sen. Paul Simon: Women just don’t seem to like the bow tie, do they?
Sen. Joseph Biden: Senator Simon. Please!
Sen. Paul Simon: Uh, sorry. Sorry.
Sen. Joseph Biden: Judge Thomas, I’d like to thank you for your testimony. You’ve been very forthcoming, and, may I say, it’s been an education.
Judge Clarence Thomas: Thank you, Senator. [ stands up and exits ]
Sen. Joseph Biden: The committee calls its next witness. [ black man walks up ] Sir, would you please state your name?
Long Dong Silver: Long Dong Silver.
[ committee members smile and shake their heads ]
Sen. Joseph Biden: Mr. Silver, we apologize for calling you back one more time.. but many of us on the committee are admirers of your work, and.. well, frankly, we could just listen to you all day. Now, we understand you have a statement?
Long Dong Silver: Uh, yes. I do. “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!“
Air Date:
Bonnie Raitt, “Something To Talk About”
