SNL Tonight

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 12

04l: Jason Bateman / Kelly Clarkson

Gays in Space

Space Creature…..Maya Rudolph
Thad…..Chris Parnell
Captain Reggie…..Jason Bateman
Billiam…..Fred Armisen
Givindy…..Kenan Thompson
Loretta…..Rachel Dratch

[open on TRIO network logo with circular rainbow “OUTzone” graphic]

Voice Over: [accompanied by title] You’re watching TRIO, the OUTzone: pop culture, unbiased and out. At ten, “Brideshead Revisited,” followed by “Model TV.” But first, “Gays in Space.”

[dissolve to extraterrestrial landscape with rolling fog and bright stars, and a space creature in a fabulous silver go-go outfit while techno beat plays]

Space Creature: [spoken in rhythm] Who said what to whom? / Oh, no, this is going to be intergalactic. / Hang on a second and let me pull myself together.

Male Chorus: Five.

Space Creature: Say what?

Male Chorus: Four.

Space Creature: Nuh-uh.

Male Chorus: Three.

Space Creature: Go ahead.

Male Chorus: Two.

Space Creature: Where’s my lipstick.

Male Chorus: One.

Space Creature: That’s what I thought you said. / One! Blast ooofff! Gays in Space!

[dissolve to exterior of fabulously glittering spacecraft with title: “Gays in Space,” and additional titles and voice over: “Episode One,” “You did not wear that today.”]

[dissolve to bridge of spacecraft with four seated crew members wearing silver long-sleeved tops and shorts, with pink accents, Captain Reggie’s top also having wings]

Thad: We’re in the clear, Captain. The star cluster is no longer a threat.

[all cheer as blond male-model waiter wearing much briefer silver outfit enters the bridge with a tray of drinks]

Captain: Great, super. ‘Tails, girls [indicates the waiter]. Now, listen, that was effing close. Whose fault was that, Billiam?

[Givindy takes a cocktail]

Billiam: [gasps] I said, “hyperspeed,” [Thad takes a cocktail] and Navigation chose to ignore me once again. [to waiter] Thank you. [takes a cocktail]

Captain: [to waiter] Get away from me.

Givindy: Sweetie, I am not required to take orders from you. Okay?

Billiam: Yes, you are. I outrank you, I outdress you, and my teeth are straight. [chuckles]

Captain: He just cracked your space face, didn’t he? All right, now, what’s our next destination?

Billiam: I thought we’d hit the methane beaches of Kilpar. What do you think of that?

Thad: Tired! Nobody goes there but old queens and lesbots.

Givindy: Coming from the authority on tiredness.

Thad: Um, at least I don’t tuck my moon pants into my gravity boots, Shania!

Billiam: That is so 2084.

Captain: All right, Givindy, Billiam, Thad, do you guys understand what I’m trying to do here? I’m trying to take us to the next galacticon. Okay bokay? This kind of negativity is counterproductive, and it also is…it’s not productive. It stresses me out. I’m already very crabby because I’m on Space Atkins.

Givindy: Yeah, and you need to stay on that.

Captain: All right, that’s it. Too much negativity. Too much tension. Let’s dance everybody. [techno music plays] Dance it out! Vogue it out! Vogue it out! [all dance except Captain Reggie] Do it! Snap it! Snap it! Quarter turn! Now with the hand movements.

[claxon sounds, music stops, waiter flees into the corridor]

Captain: Red alert! Cheese and rice, everybody! Man your battle stations, bitches! Data report!

Billiam: It appears we’re caught in a tractor beam.

Givindy: Ooh, I do hope it’s those aliens from Zalan V. You know, the ones with the eight big hands and the eight big feet?

Billiam: Establishing communication, Captain.

[Loretta, a very unfeminine woman, appears on the screen]

Loretta: Captain Reggie, we meet again.

Captain: Ugh, it’s Loretta. [forcedly] Hi, Loretta! What is it?

[dissolve to bridge of Loretta’s spacecraft, with Loretta and two other very butch women dressed in plaid and vests.]

Loretta: My brothers, we are in great peril.

[dissolves continue throughout dialogue]

Givindy: I can see that. It’s called a hot oil treatment. Look into it.

Loretta: I’m quite serious. Our population is dwindling.

Captain: Hmmm, I think I know where this is going.

Loretta: The only way our people can survive is by joining together to procreate.

Captain: Oh, get to it, Loretta, please. Spit it out. Blow it on my face. What do you want?

Loretta: We need sperm.

Captain: Right, well, um, Loretta, do you want to know something? I love you guys. We love to party with you. We love the cookouts. We hate your music. We love that you help us when we move. But, when it comes to the sex thing, I’m just…I’m not feeling it.

Loretta: Ditto. That’s why we created the X-25-1000 Donation Enhancement Collector.

Captain: Hmmm, well, shoot it over to me. We’ll take a little look-see at it.

[doorbell rings]

Thad: That’s probably the X-25-1000 now.

Captain: Very quick.

[dark-haired beefcake male enters wearing only skintight silver briefs]

Captain: Oh, my word.

Billiam: Look what Loretta made.

Givindy: Those girls are good with tools, okay?

Captain: Man the throttle. Next stop: Uranus.

Billiam: You did not just go there.

Thad: She went there, and you loved it.

Captain: Oooooh! [zoom over Captain Reggie’s head into porthole of door behind him]

[dissolve to extraterrestrial landscape, with techno music and space creature entering from right]

Space Creature: Outer space. / Outer space. / Are the stars out tonight? / Moonlight in your hair feels so right. / Ain’t nothing bigger than Jupiter. / Oh, Gays in Space.

[zoom into star cluster above space creatures’s head, and title: “Gays in Space.”]

Submitted by: DavidK93

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 12

04l: Jason Bateman / Kelly Clarkson

Rap Night with Chubb Hotty

Chubb Hotty….Horatio Sanz
DJ Sugar Shock….Kenan Thompson
Brett Mausner….Jason Bateman
Lady Olestra….Kelly Clarkson

[Opens with the title RAP NIGHT with CHUBB HOTTYpainted in urban graffitti. Heavy rap beat plays, DJSugar Shock has his headphones on, mixes and scratcheson his turntable podium.]

DJ Sugar Shock: Yo’, yo’, yo’. This is your boy DJSugar Shock saying it’s time for Rap Night. With yourhost the biggest, fattest, dopest rapper in all theworld, Chubb Hotty! Holla!

[Curtain goes up for Chubb Hotty then it getscompletely out of the way for him to enter. Chubb ismorbidly obese, has a red do-rag, gold medallion, jeanjacket, faded jeans, mic on his hand]

Chubb Hotty: Jeah!, jeah!, jeah!, jeah![rapping] I amChubb Hotty the all time best/ I eat a mess of friedbologna from your momma’s chest/ I don’t like nofruit/ don’t eat no banana/ eat more steaks than thenation of Ghana, Jeah!

DJ Sugar Shock: Yeah!

Chubb Hotty: Mad rhymes/chicken wings/ is all I’m about/ you put a tap on my ass/ raw butter comes out/Jeah!

DJ Sugar Shock: Yeah, yeah![stops the heavy rapbest]All right, let’s get this thing starte-e-e-ed!

[Pleasant hip-hop intro, Chubb Hotty sits in his big ass chair]

Chubb Hotty: So DJ Sugar Shock, you got any plans for St. Valentine’s Day?

DJ Sugar Shock: Yeah, I mean, I think I’ll get some ofthose giant Hershey kisses for the kids. Take my wife to the Red Lobster, you know.

Chubb Hotty: That’s nice. Hey, remember that one timeI got thrown out of the Red Lobster at San Diego? Theysaid “all you can eat”. They were lying.

DJ Sugar Shock: That wasn’t a Red Lobster, Chubb. Itwas Sea World. You ate most of Free Willy in front of a class of schoolkids!

Chubb Hotty: “All you can eat”, my ass.[laughs]Myfirst guest is the director of my new video from mysingle “Pork and Chicken Heads”. Mr. Brett Mausner!

[A wigger in a track suit, sunglasses, baseball cap to the side]

Brett Mausner: Yo’ yo’ yo’ yo'[has trouble huggingChubb]How you living, huh? How you been? What you been up to cuz?[sits down]

Chubb Hotty: Yesterday I took a poop the size of a Hyundai.

Brett Mausner: Ah, right. Now listen, yo’s. Here’s mysneak peek at a brand new “Making the Video”.

[MTV’s montage of Making the Video. Brett is backstagein a studio, camera splits, shows two Brett’s]

Brett Mausner: Whazzup! Brett Mausner here! Welcome tothe making of Chubb Hotty’s latest joint “Pork andChicken Heads”. Out! On the first day of shootingChubb moves into his trailer on the set.

[Chubb walks into the trailer, destroys the door,takes a few steps into it and falls through the floor,gets his ass stuck on the floor]

Chubb Hotty: Damn! What do they make this trailers out of, man?

Brett Mausner: We shot a very, very sexy scene.

[Three sexy girls are sitting on a bed. Chubb sits onthe edge of the bed eating a humongous sandwich. Twoof the girls fly into the air when he sits, one stayson the crumbling bed watching Chubb slump to the ground]

Brett Mausner: And I think we cut most of this actually.

[MTV’s montage of Making the Video]

Chubb Hotty: Oh, man. That video looks hot, bro’!

Brett Mausner: Yeah.

Chubb Hotty: Much love, much love. Speaking of love,earlier I mentioned it was St. Valentine’s Day and tohelp me out and celebrate is my special love, my Lady Olestra.

[Lady Olestra is ghetto fabulous, sits on Chubb’s big ass chair armrest]

Brett Mausner: Oh, my goodness.

Lady Olestra: What’s up, boo?

Chubb Hotty: What’s up, baby? [kiss]Oh, yeah. Baby doggot you a little something for St. Valentine’s Day.

[Chubb takes a little bag out and pulls a skimpy redlingerie for his girl]

Lady Olestra: Chubb, you so nasty![Chubb laughs]I gotyou something too.

[Olestra takes out little bag and pulls out a regularpair of boxer shorts with red hearts on them]

Chubb Hotty: Who them tiny things for?

[Lady Olestra unfolds the boxer shorts, they are huge]

Brett Mausner: Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Chubb Hotty: You a good woman, baby. All right DJSugar Shock, let’s hit it!

[Romantic music plays, Lady Olestra mic on handproceeds to sing beautifully]

Lady Olestra:[sings] Tonight I celebrate my love for boo….

[Chubb can’t get out of his chair, Brett gives him ahand, he’s pulling hard, Chubb falls on him pinningagainst his chair, finally Chubb gets up. He standsnext to Lady Olestra mic on hand]

Lady Olestra:[sings] Because he’s my favorite man to do….

[Brett claps along in the back]

Chubb Hotty:[rapping] Tonight, I celebrate my love for food!

Lady Olestra: Ugh!

Chubb Hotty:[rapping] I found a coupon for 3 Arby’sbeef and cheedar for the price of two!/ I also lovethis little lady/ but honestly not as much as agarbage can full of gravy!

Lady Olestra:[sings] Tonight I celebrate my love foryou….[Chubb hugs and picks Lady Olestra up for akiss and he farts] Chubb! That is nasty!

Chubb Hotty: Sorry, I sprained myself.

Lady Olestra:[sings]And I hope and pray I don’t getcrushed under you…[another fart from Chubb] Chubb, that is really nasty!

Chubb Hotty: That ain’t the end of it either.

[Extreme flatulence comes from Chubb. A long, unholy fart]

[Pffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffftttttttt!!!!!!!]

Lady Olestra: Did you had shrimps?![leaves]

Chubb Hotty: Matter of fact, I had ’em on my Cheerios this morning.

[DJ Sugar Shock is disgusted]

DJ Sugar Shock: Man, that is it! The show is over! I wanna get outta here!

[Brett is fanning himself behind Chubb]

Brett Mausner: Good Lord, Chubb. That is…that…th–

[Brett keels over from his chair to the floor]

Chubb Hotty: Oh, damn.

DJ Sugar Shock: Man, look at that! He passed out! Callthe paramedics or something! I ain’t hanging around inthis funky mess any longer than I have too![takes the headphones off, leaves]

Chubb Hotty: Good night, ya’ll! Stay tuned for theTony Danza show, coming up next.

[Rap Night logo appears]

[Cheers and applause]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 12

04l: Jason Bateman / Kelly Clarkson

An Important Moment in Black History III

Will…..Will Forte
Seth…..Seth Meyers
Amy…..Amy Poehler
Kenny Wilkins…..Finesse Mitchell

[ open on History Channel logo ]

Announcer: And now, The History Channel presents [ over SUPER ] yet another “An Important Moment in Black History.”

[ dissolve to an office break room setting in 1990, as Kenny Wilkins walks in on his co-workers having lunch ]

Announcer: The year was 1990.

Seth: Hey, man.

Kenny Wilkins: Hey, man. What’d you guys get?

Seth: Sushi.

Amy: You want some?

Kenny Wilkins: Yeah, I’ll try it. [ takes a bite, makes a face ] Mmm.. what is it?

Seth: Raw fish.

Kenny Wilkins: [ spits it out ] Ugh! Hell, no!

[ scene freezes, as the Announcer’s words scroll up ]

Announcer: The History Channel honors Kenny Wilkins, the first black man to say “No” to cold, uncooked fish.

[ dissolve to title card ]

Announcer: This has been an Important Moment in Black History.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 12

04l: Jason Bateman / Kelly Clarkson

An Important Moment in Black History II

Boss…..Chris Parnell
Kenny Wilkins…..Finesse Mitchell

[ open on History Channel logo ]

Announcer: And now, The History Channel presents [ over SUPER ] another “An Important Moment in Black History.”

[ dissolve to an office setting in 1985, Kenny Wilkins being interviewed by his potenial boss ]

Announcer: The year was 1985.

Boss: So, everything looks great. you can start on Monday.

Kenny Wilkins: Thank you.

Boss: You just, uh, need to sign here, if you want Direct Deposit.

Kenny Wilkins: What’s that?

Boss: Your paycheck will be deposited immediately into your account, so you don’t have to bother making a trip to the bank.

Kenny Wilkins: So, I don’t get a check?

Boss: Oh, you get it. It just goes directly to your bank.

Kenny Wilkins: But how do I cash it?

Boss: You don’t. It just goes into your account.

Kenny Wilkins: How do I know that?

Boss: Well, I’m sure your bank will send you monthly statements.

Kenny Wilkins: Okay.

Boss: So, you want to enroll?

Kenny Wilkins: Let me think about it. [ an extended beat ] Hell, no!

[ scene freezes, as the Announcer’s words scroll up ]

Announcer: The History Channel honors Kenny Wilkins, the first black man to say “No” to Direct Deposit.

[ dissolve to title card ]

Announcer: This has been an Important Moment in Black History.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 12

04l: Jason Bateman / Kelly Clarkson

An Important Moment in Black History

Jason…..Jason Bateman
Seth…..Seth Meyers
Will…..Will Forte
Kenny Wilkins…..Finesse Mitchell

[ open on History Channel logo ]

Announcer: And now, The History Channel presents [ over SUPER ] “An Important Moment in Black History.”

[ dissolve to group of 70’s era men sitting a bar, as Kenny Wilkins walks up and sits ]

Announcer: The year was 1975. The place: Columbus, Ohio. The country was changing.

Jason: So, gang – who’s coming this weekend?

Seth: I can’t wait.

Will: Count me in.

Jason: Yeah. Kenny? Skydiving. This weekend.

Seth: 15,000 feet in the air, taking turns jumping out of a small propeller plane.

Will: With parachutes on our backs, of course!

[ they all chuckle heartily ]

Jason: Of course, it’s a real groovy adrenaline rush. Are you in?

Kenny Wilkins: Skydiving?

Jason: Yeah.

Kenny Wilkins: Let me think about that. [ an extended beat ] Hell, no!

[ scene freezes, as the Announcer’s words scroll up ]

Announcer: The History Channel honors Kenny Wilkins, the first black man to say “No” to a recreational activity only a white person would think to do.

[ dissolve to title card ]

Announcer: This has been an Important Moment in Black History.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 12


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:

Bit Players:
February 12th, 2005

Jason Bateman

Kelly Clarkson

None

None

Jeff Richmond

Paula Pell
NBC Special ReportSummary: At a press conference, Kim Jong Il (Horatio Sanz) answers questions of praise toward him.

Recurring Characters: Brian Williams, Kim Jong Il.

Jason Bateman’s MonologueSummary: Jason Bateman and Amy Poehler make an appeal for viewers to watch “Arrested Development,” so Amy’s husband, Will Arnett, will keep a job and Amy can keep her boat.

Bio: Jason Bateman (1969-). Actor; younger brother of Justine Bateman; son-in-law of singer/composer, Paul Anka; starred in sitcoms “It’s Your Move”, “The Hogan Family” (formerly “Valerie”), and “Arrested Development”.

Me-Harmony.comSummary: The proven online matchmaking service finds their clients’ exact opposite sex match.

Transcript

Monkeys Throwing Poop at CelebritiesSummary: A suspicious Sean Connery (Darrell Hammond) is tricked into appearing on the show, and is promptly pummelled with monkey poop.

Recurring Characters: Sean Connery, Sharon Stone, Carrot Top, Bill Cosby.

Transcript

An Important Moment In Black History ISummary: Kenny Wilkins (Finesse Mitchell) is the first black man to say “Hell, no!” to skydiving.

Transcript

The Best of T.T. & MarioSummary: The songs of T.T. (Maya Rudolph) & Mario (Kenan Thompson) are booty-licious.

Transcript

The SubwaySummary: Fearful of being held accountable, a man (Jason Bateman) happily gives money to bad subway performance acts.

Transcript

An Important Moment In Black History IISummary: Kenny Wilkins (Finesse Mitchell) is the first black man to say “Hell, no!” to direct deposit.

Transcript

Kelly Clarkson performs “Since U Been Gone”Bio: Kelly Clarkson (1982-). Singer; became the first “American Idol” champion in 2002, and co-starred with runner-up, Justin Guarini, in the film “From Justin to Kelly” a year later.

Lyrics

Weekend Update with Tina Fey & Amy PoehlerSummary: Prince Charles (Seth Meyers) and Camilla Parker-Boyles (Fred Armisen) creep out the audience while making out with one another. Because Kenan Thompson loves to work, he doesn’t join Tina and Amy in making fun of Bill Cosby’s sex charges.

Recurring Characters: Prince Charles, Camilla Parker-Bowles.

Transcript

Gays in SpaceSummary: In Episode 1, the gay space crew do a favor for a lesbian space crew, by agreeing to donate their sperm to preserve the lesbian race.

Recurring Characters: Space Creature, Billiam, Gavindy, Thad.

Transcript

Gibson StudiosSummary: Bill Kurtis (Darrell Hammond) records various A&E show promos.

Note: This sketch was cut from the dress rehearsal of the episode hosted by Topher Grace.

An Important Moment In Black History IIISummary: Kenny Wilkins (Finesse Mitchell) is the first black man to say “Hell, no!” to sushi.

Transcript

Kelly Clarkson performs “Breakaway”Lyrics

Rap NightSummary: Rap-star-turned-talk-show-host, Chubb Hotty (Horatio Sanz), celebrates Valentine’s Day with Lady Olestra (Kelly Clarkson).

Recurring Characters: Chubb Hotty, DJ Sugar Shock.

Transcript

Public Speaking ClassSummary: Awkward salespeople learn how to improve their stance at a public speaking seminar.

GoodnightsTranscript

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Dress Rehearsal Cuts

Michael Jackson on Neverland RanchSummary: Elizabeth Taylor (Rachel Dratch) and other celebrities visit Michael Jackson (Amy Poehler) at his sickbed when he takes ill before his child molestation trial.

Recurring Characters: Michael Jackson, Elizabeth Taylor, Geraldo Rivera.

Note: This sketch will air in the episode hosted by Hilary Swank.

Bear CitySummary: In a pinch, a bear uses the handicapped toilet, only to be confronted by a bear in a wheelchair.

Note: This short film will air in the episode hosted by David Spade.

The “Blah Blah Blah” AwardsSummary: Award winners’ acceptance speeches rattle on endlessly without ever saying anything of merit.

Annoying WaiterSummary: An annoying waiter (Fred Armisen) condstantly bothers a couple (Jason Bateman, Rachel Dratch) on their first date.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 11

04k: Paris Hilton / Keane

Weekend Update with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler

…..Tina Fey
…..Amy Poehler
Donovan McNabb…..Finesse Mitchell
Charline McNabb…..Kenan Thompson
Little Man…..Fred Armisen
Daffodil…..Rachel Dratch

Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, it’s “Weekend Update,” with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler!

[cheers and applause]

Amy Poehler: Hello, I’m Amy Poehler.

Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey, and here are tonight’s top stories:

In his State of the Union address Wednesday, President Bush announced an initiative to help keep young people out of gangs. A new program called “Do Right And Follow Through.” [initials spelled out on screen]

Amy Poehler: Before delivering his State of the Union address, President Bush spent a few moments greeting members of Congress.

Amy Poehler V/O: “Senator…hello Senator…hello Senator…hello…”

[President Bush firmly shakes a black man’s hand]

“Yo, whazzup homes’, how you doin, brotha?”

Tina Fey: An estimated eight million Iraqis voted in Sunday’s election, and though the vote counting has yet to be completed, exit polls seem to indicate that the big winner is—wow, I did not expect this—Don Cheadle, for Hotel Rwanda! Congratulations, Don.

Amy Poehler: This week, the judge in the Michael Jackson child molestation trial selected 250 candidates for the jury pool, while Jackson himself has selected twenty for the kiddie pool. [applause]

This week, after interviewing Michael Jackson, Geraldo Rivera announced that he believes Jackson was framed, and said he’d shave off his moustache if Jackson were convicted, which makes me think Geraldo was already planning to shave his moustache.

You should be careful what you say, Geraldo. It could come back to haunt you. If anyone knows that, it’s me. Take a look.

Amy Poehler: And let me tell you something, if Scott Peterson’s convicted, I’ll shave my moustache! [applause]

Tina Fey: As everyone knows, tomorrow is Super Bowl Sunday. Here to comment is Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Donovan McNabb, and his mom, star of the Chunky Soup commercials, Charline McNabb.

[pan to Donovan and Charline; applause]

Charline McNabb: Whoo! Evening, babies!

Donovan McNabb: What’s up?

Charline McNabb: I brought you some soup. Here, eat up, Miss Tina.

Tina Fey: Ah!

Charline McNabb: Chicken and rice is what you need. You are too skinny!

Tina Fey: Thank you, Mrs. McNabb. [tries a spoonful of the soup] Uh, this is ice cold.

Charline McNabb: Well, I ain’t gon’ cook it!

Donovan McNabb: Settle down, Mama, you gonna embarrass me.

Charline McNabb: Shoot, I’m a star, baby! I’m the best thing to happen to Campbell’s Soup since Andy Warhol. Whoo! McNabb!

Tina Fey: So- so Donovan, you’re finally playing in the Super Bowl tomorrow, but maybe without Terrell Owens. Uh, how do you feel about your chances?

Donovan McNabb: Oh, I feel great. We were a good team before Terrell, and we’ll be a good team without him.

Tina Fey: Mrs. McNabb, do you agree?

Charline McNabb: Hell no!

Donovan McNabb: Mama!

Charline McNabb: My baby is gonna get his ass whooped by the Patriots! [applause] They gon’ sack you. They gonna intercept you, physically beat you down. Pain! I mean, they are gonna knock you around, probably knock out a tooth, bust up your foot. I mean, you can run around all you want, but they gon’ catch you! And when they do, it is gonna hurt. Aww, damn!

Donovan McNabb: All due respect to my mama here, but I think we have a great chance tomorrow.

Charline McNabb: Donovan F. McNabb, did you see what those boys did to Peyton Manning? They tore his ass up! And you ain’t no Peyton Manning. Whoo-hoo, you gon’ be crying like that time I found you wearin’ my church clothes. [applause; Donovan gives his mother a dirty look] And you ain’t no Tom Brady neither. Boy, that boy is fine, I’m puttin’ my money with him!

Tina Fey: W- wait, you- you’re betting on the Patriots?

Charline McNabb: That’s right! I like my son, but I love my money. Patriots 35, Eagles 10, take my word. Now come on, baby, let’s go cheer you up with some tomato bisque.

Tina Fey: Aww. Donovan McNabb and his mother, everybody! [cheers and applause]

Amy Poehler: According to reports, President Bush and John Kerry have a combined 23 million dollars left over from the 2004 presidential campaign, while Ralph Nader recently discovered some old gum in his hair.

Tina Fey: The Reverend Al Sharpton is teaming up with PETA to urge a boycott of KFC. PETA wants the fast food chain to improve standards of treatment for their poultry, while the Reverend simply prefers Popeye’s.

A man identified as an NYU professor was detained at LaGuardia Airport Thursday after human remains were found in his luggage. However, he was let go when he told authorities the body parts were “teaching tools.” Said the professor, “Teach that bitch to cheat on me.”

Amy Poehler: Insiders say that this year’s Super Bowl ads will not be as crass as last years, though I have it on good authority that halftime performer Paul McCartney’s gonna whip his dong out. [cheers and applause] That’s what I hear.

Tina Fey: This week, President Bush announced that he will—

[loud giggling is heard in the studio]

Did- did you hear that?

Amy Poehler: Yeah, what is that?

[more giggling; Tina and Amy notice something in front of them and gasp]

Tina Fey: Look!

[two little people jump onto the desk, accompanied by magical piano music. As the man begins to sing, the woman dances along with him]

Little man:
Weeeeeee- declare this a very good “Update,”
And it is fitful, we decree,
“This broadcast is hilarious,
As good as good can be!”

Amy Poehler: Oh! [she applauds]

Tina Fey: I’ve heard about these little guys. Legend has it that they have lived under the “Update” desk for almost thirty years!

[another piano intro; the little man begins to sing]

Little man: Weeeeeee—

Daffodil: [in a high-pitched voice]
Are very pleased to meet you!
It’s an honor just to greet you!
And now I’d like to treat you
To these flowers filled with sweet dew!

Tina Fey: Aww! Thank you! [both pick up the flowers]

Amy Poehler: Thank you! A little tiny flower! So Tina, these guys have been here since 1975?

Tina Fey: Yeah! I heard they crawled out of Elliott Gould’s moustache, and they’ve been here ever since.

[another piano intro]

Daffodil:
Look at all the people!
I’m sure you all agree

Little man:
Let it be known throughout the land
That this is the most definitively, undoubtedly,

Both: [spinning in a circle] Indubitably, irrefutably, indisputab—

Daffodil: Whaa—! [falls off the desk. The music continues to play]

Little man: Wait! Wait, wait! She really fell, she really fell! Stop the music! Stop the music. [begins to cry] Daffodil! Oh my God, she’s really hurt! Oh, no. Audience, we need your help! Only one thing can bring her back. Everyone, repeat after me: “I believe in magic!”

Tina, Amy, Audience: I believe in magic.

Little man: Oh, it’s working… “I believe in love!”

All: I believe in love.

Little man: Now everybody, snap your fingers. [Tina and Amy snap their fingers with the audience] Oh, it’s wonderful. Wiggle your ears! [Tina and Amy wiggle their ears] Now ladies, just the ladies, shake like this. [He wiggles his chest. Tina and Amy begin to shake like him] Really get ‘em going!

Tina Fey: Wait a minute!

Amy Poehler: What?

Tina Fey: That’s not–

Little man: I’m telling you, it’s the only thing that’s going to save poor Daffodil. Now everyone, I need you to rub your privates like so—

Tina Fey: Oh, come on!

Amy Poehler: Get outta here, little guy! [both push the man off the desk]

Tina Fey: The little people from Elliott Gould’s moustache, everybody! [cheers and applause] That’s disgracious.

Amy Poehler: The Canadian government formally introduced a bill to legalize same-sex marriage, at which point the bill insisted on being called “William.”

The town of Mink, Louisiana finally got telephone service for the first time ever this week, which means I can fa- finally call my grandpa! [pulls out a telephone from underneath the desk] OK… [dials the number] Oh, it’s ringing! Oh wait, he picked up… [into the phone] I’m gonna kill you. I know where you live, and I’m gonna kill you. [hangs up the phone] I love talkin’ to my grandpa!

Tina Fey: At the upcoming Grammy Awards, Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony will perform together as the first time, for- as man and wife. Hopefully music.

As we mentioned earlier, this Sunday is Super Bowl XXXIX, between the Philadelphia Eagles of my hometown, and the New England Patriots—

Amy Poehler: Of my hometown—[some audience cheers] Yeah, that’s right. Of my hometown, Burlington, New England.

Tina Fey: So we thought it would be fun to have a little Hometown Fans Point/Counterpoint.

[display “Point/Counterpoint” graphic; dramatic music]

Amy has elected to go first.

Amy Poehler: Thank you Tina. [in Boston accent] If you think your Eagles are any match for our top-notch New England Patriots, you’re a moron.

Tina Fey: [in Philadelphia accent] OK, don’t even start, alright, ‘cause everybody known New England people are a bunch of losers. Youse went down there losers, and you’re going home losers.

Amy Poehler: Alright, you know what? Give me a break, we’re unstoppable. It’s our year, first the Red Sox, now the Super Bowl. OK, you can go cry in a pile of Philly cheese steaks, and watch that gay movie they named after your city.

Tina Fey: OK, OK, rebuttal. First of all, your whole city smells like baked bean farts. Second of all, how do youse even have time to go to the Super Bowl? Aren’t you too busy gettin’ molested by priests and cryin’ about it?

Amy Poehler: Good point. Point well taken, but let me just say this: your mother’s a whore and your father holds the money!

Tina Fey: You dirtbag!

[Tina and Amy wrestle each other to the ground. Display graphic again. Applause]

Don Pardo V/O: This has been “Hometown Fans Point/Counterpoint.”

Tina Fey: And finally tonight, a Swiss beer company has launched a new drink aimed at homosexuals, called “Queer Beer.” They hope it will sell better than “Mike’s Hard Bi-Curious Lemonade.”

Amy Poehler: For “Weekend Update,” I’m Amy Poehler.

Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey. Good night and have a pleasant tomorrow.

[cheers and applause as Tina and Amy dance along to the music; fade]

Submitted by: Michael C. Arroyo

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 11

04k: Paris Hilton / Keane

The Expensive Purse

Salesman……Chris Parnell
Porscha…….Paris Hilton
Dustin…….Seth Meyers
Starkeesha…..Finesse Mitchell
Malik……Kenan Thompson

[ open on Salesman talking on the phone ]

Salesman: I know! Exactly. And they are never as big as they seem like they’re going — [ sees Dustin and Porscha enter ] I have to go. Smooch. [ hangs up ] Yes? Can I help you?

Dustin: Yeah, I guess my girlfriend’s having some sort of purse emergency.

Porscha: Don’t start with me, Dustin.

Dustin: Yeah, but you already have a purse.

Porscha: You just don’t understand purse shoppin’! Can I see that one? Oh this is so gorgeous! I love the double buckle.

[ Starkeesha and her boyfriend, Malik, are also in the store ]

Malik: Yo why you had to test all the perfume on my wrists?

Starkeesha: Shut up, Malik! I’m purse shopping. [ glances at the purse Porscha is looking at ] Ooh, look at this purse!

Porscha: Oh actually, I’m looking at that one.

Starkeesha: Excuse me, sales associate, can you tell me more about this Louis Vinton purse, please?

Porscha: It’s mine, honey.

Starkeesha: And your point is?

Porscha: My point is you need to back up out of my shopping space!

Starkeesha: What? No, what?!

Malik: Starkeesha!

Starkeesha: What?!

Malik: Let’s go, man. I feel like people are looking at me.

Starkeesha: Well, put the shirt back, then!

[Malik throws shirt at counter and walks away]

Salesman: Um, this is from his spring collection. I really love the cross-stitching.

Porscha: Oh, it’s exquisite!

Starkeesha: [pushes Porscha’s face away] Oh, it is exquisite. This is probably the best cross-stitching I’ve seen this season.

Salesman: Uh, the exterior is all ostrich, and the interior is calf.

Porscha: Oh, I love ostrich.

Starkeesha: I love ostrich.

Porscha: I loved the ostrich first!

Both: I’ll take it!

Porscha: Oh no you didn’t!

Starkeesha: Oh yes I did!

Porscha: Oh no you didn’t!

Starkeesha: Oh yes I did!

Porscha: Oh, yes you did.

Starkeesha: Oh no I didn’t!

Porscha: Oh! You didn’t? Great, I’ll take the purse.

Starkeesha: [confused] Wait a minute, wait a minute. What just happened?

[Malik runs into view]

Malik: Yo you just got Bugs-Bunnied!

Starkeesha: Get, get out! [pushes Malik away]

Porscha: So, how much is it?

Salesman: It’s three.

Porscha: Will you take a check?

Salesman: Yes, with proper ID.

Starkeesha: Oh well, wait a minute. Will you take Triple A?

Salesman: No.

Starkeesha: [calls Malik]

Malik: Business or pleasure?

Starkeesha: Business, if you ever wanna get some pleasure again. Give me three hundred dollars.

Malik: I ain’t got three hundred dollars.

Starkeesha: You are so stupid! I hate you! Remind me to break up with you later!

Malik: Yeah, I will do that!

[both hang up and glare at each other, standing three feet away]

Starkeesha: [sighs] You know what, girl? Since you over here begging for this purse, and I already have this purse in a different ostrich, you can take it.

Porscha: I guess your broke-ass can’t afford it.

Starkeesha: See, I tried to be nice, see.

Porscha: Here you go, clerk, three hundred dollars.

Salesman: Um, it’s three thousand dollars.

Porscha: Say WHAT?! Three thousand WHAT?!

Starkeesha: Oh damn! How many ostriches did ya’ll use? I don’t believe that! Uh, go on and write that check for three thousand dollars, girl.

Porscha: You know what? I can totally do it if I wanted to, but come to think of it, I’d like to see the purse in a smaller version.

Starkeesha: Uh, you know what, uh, me too.

Salesman: All right. [takes out another purse] Well, this one is fifteen hundred.

Starkeesha and Porscha: [look at each other] Smaller.

Salesman: [takes out another purse] This one is nine hundred.

Starkeesha and Porscha: Smaller.

Porscha: How about a sunglass case?

Starkeesha: How about a luggage tag?

Salesman: [takes out smallest purse] This is for contact lenses. It goes for two.

Porscha: Now when you say two..

Starkeesha: You mean too damn small.

Salesman: It’s two hundred dollars.

Porscha: Mmm, lemme ask me boyfriend. [yells] DUSTIN!

Starkeesha: Malik!

[Dustin and Malik walk over]

Dustin: Yeah?

Porscha: Give me two hundred dollars for this contact lens case.

Dustin: [takes out wallet] Okay, let me check, checking, checking, checking, no.

Starkeesha: Malik. Give me two hundred dollars.

Malik: Oh okay, let me check. Checkin’, checkin’, checkin’. I ain’t got it. But I do have this Totes umbrella.

Starkeesha: You are so ignorant, stop stealin’! [takes umbrella and hits Malik with it]

Salesman: I get the distinct feeling you ladies won’t be buying anything today.

Starkeesha: Oh no you did not just get an attitude with us.

Porscha: Oh he so got an attitude with us.

Starkeesha: You can’t talk to me and my friend – what’s your name, girl?

Porscha: Porscha.

Starkeesha: You can’t talk to me and my friend Porscha like that. We are outta here!

Porscha: [sighs] You know?

Starkeesha: What?

Porscha: I know where I can get this purse and matching jacket for twenty bucks.

Starkeesha and Porscha: Chinatown!

Porscha: [to salesman] Good day, rude person.

Starkeesha: Good day, ’cause we won’t buy your purses ’til you bring your prices down, so me and my friend Porscha, are going to Chinatown!

[Starkeesha, Porscha, Malik, and Dustin dance out the doorway]

Submitted by: Doro

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 11

04k: Paris Hilton / Keane

Merv the Perv

Mervin Watson….Chris Parnell
Debbie Sterling….Paris Hilton
Trent Worthington….Seth Meyers
Girl 1….Amy Poehler
Girl 2….Maya Rudolph
Girl 3….Rachel Dratch

[Opens with the Germantown High School at night. A bannersays “Welcome Class of 1985. 20Th Reunion. Music plays.Cut to inside the dance hall three girlfriends share a drinkand talk.]

Girl 2: Wow, its weird seeing everyone again.

Girl 1: Did you guys see Mr. Johnson? He’s all bald and wrinkly.

[Mervin Watson appears in his suit and tie]

Mervin Watson: Hey, if bald and wrinkly is your thing, youmight wanna check out my Mr. Johnson.

Girl 3: Ugh, I can’t believe it. Its Mervin Watson.

Mervin Watson: That’s Merv “The Perv”.[points]

[Cut to a montage of Mervin dancing on an over sizedanimated cartoon’s shoulder, jumping down her cleavageand popping out of her skirt. He shrugs and we see some ofMerv’s horny faces.]

Jingle:[Mervin sings] I’m talking love, its a crazyroller-coaster ri-i-i-i-i-ide. I’m saying love, you knowit comes from deep insi-i-i-ide. And now we’re livingand laughing and learning what is truly Merv “ThePerv”. That’s Merv “The Perv”.

[Back to dance hall]

Mervin Watson: So ladies, has it been 20 years? It seemslike just yesterday I was hanging in the parking lot tryingto get a cheerleader to make out with me. Oh, wait. It was yesterday.

Girl 1: Ugh. Its hard to believe that you almost went to the prom with Debbie Sterling.

Girl 2: Oh, I almost forgot about that.

[Cut to Germantown High School 20 years ago. 1985. Cut to ahallway. “Oh, yeah” plays. The 3 girls in thereunion are wearing 80’s hairstyles and clothes. A hotblondie in a cheerleader’s uniform comes out and joinsthe girls in the hallway.]

Debbie Sterling: Oh, my God, you guys. The prom is like intwo weeks and I still don’t have a date.

Girl 3: I thought you were going with Zack McCord.

Debbie Sterling: I was. But now he says he’s going tothat Queen concert. He sure loves Freddy Mercury.

Girl 1: Who could blame him? That mustache, those capes—what a hunk.

Girl 2: So who are you going with?

Debbie Sterling: I was thinking either TrentWorthington[cut to Trent all American boy good looks] orMerv “The Perv” Watson.[Merv has a perm, aGhostbusters t-shirt, red shorts and is licking a Flashdanceposter with Jeniffer Beals on it.]

Girl 1: Merv “The Perv”? He’s gross.

Debbie Sterling: Yeah, but his dad has a Porsche.

Girl 3: Well, how are you going to decide?

Debbie Sterling: Trent, Merv, could I ask you guys some questions?

Mervin Watson: No need. I already got your answers. Never.3 inches. Tyne Daly on a boat. And with my finger.

Debbie Sterling: What? Anyway, I’m serious. If we wentout to the prom together, what would our night be like?

Trent Worthington: Well, I’d pick you up. Give you adozen roses. Take you to a fancy dinner at Benihana. Then wego to the prom and dance all night long.

Debbie Sterling: Oh, that’s so sweet. Merv?

Mervin Watson: Well, I’d pick you up in my dad’sPorsche. We romantically peruse my stash of dirty magazines.I’d take off my pants when you weren’t looking thenI’d try to grab your booby.

Debbie Sterling: Wow, this decision is gonna be harder than I thought.

Mervin Watson: I’ll tell you what’s not gonna be harder than you thought.

Girl 3: If you keep talking like that I’m gonna getMrs. Kwang over here and have you expelled.

Mervin Watson: Hey, if you get vice-principal Kwang overhere the only thing that’s gonna get expelled is about half and ounce of Merv’s juice.

Girl 1: Ugh. Real mature, Merv.

Mervin Watson: More like premature but I recover quickly.

Debbie Sterling: Guys, cut it out! I’m trying to decide who I’m going to the prom with!

Girl 3: What’s to decide? [to Trent]He’s a dreamboat[to Merv] and he’s a nightmare.

Mervin Watson: I had an nightmare once. I was on a boatwith Loretta Swit and I couldn’t get my pants off.

Debbie Sterling: Ok, guys. I’m serious. I like to takeout guys who are well rounded. What sports do you play?

Trent Worthington: Uh, you know, soccer, track and uh, football.

Mervin Watson: I’m looking to play a little handball. Your hands, my ball. Who’s in?

Debbie Sterling: Do you do any other school activities?

Trent Worthington: Well, I played the lead in the school’s production of “Damn Yankees”.

Mervin Watson: I’m currently playing the lead in my ownproduction of “Ma’am Yank me” Please? Anybody? Yank me?

Debbie Sterling: Ok, I’ve made my decision. Trent,you’re superhot, you’re star of the football teamand you’re an amazing actor. And Merv, you’re adisgusting pervert and I’m pretty sure you’ve beentouching yourself this entire time I’ve been talking to you.

Mervin Watson: Guilty as charged, Mon Cherie.

Debbie Sterling: I’m gonna pick Trent.

Trent Worthington: Oh, awesome!

Girl 2: Thank God.

Girl 3: Yeah, good choice.

Mervin Watson: All right, fine. I get it. You don’twant to go to prom with me. But don’t you think thatjust because you didn’t pick me I won’t be there. Iwill be there. And I’ll be hiding in the ladies roomwith my brand new, tiny portable camera.[lifts up a hugeportable camera from the 80’s] But for now I bid youfarewell as I will be taking off….my pants.[Merv rips hisshorts off revealing a tight purple Speedo]

All: Aww, Merv!

Mervin Watson: That’s Merv “The Perv”.

Jingle: That’s Merv “The Perv”.

Mervin Watson:[sings Wang Chung’s hit]Everybody chungwang tonight…[thumbs up]

Caption: Based on the comedy of Mervin Watson.

[cheers and applause]

[fade]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 11

04k: Paris Hilton / Keane

Rafael Alonzo’s I.T.F. Technical Computer Institute

Woman…..Paris Hilton
Marcus…..Kenan Thompson
Rafael Alonzo…..Fred Armisen
Man #1…..Finesse Mitchell
Man #2…..Rob Riggle
Russian Woman…..Maya Rudolph

[open on interior of a diner]

Woman: Put your wallet away, Marcus. This time, I’m going to buy lunch. [pulls a purse full of money from under the table]

Marcus: Since when do you have so much money?

Woman: Since I got hired by a top-of-the-line company for my computer skills.

Marcus: When did you learn computer skills?

Woman: At Rafael Alonzo’s I.T.F. Technical Computer Institute. Now I have a career.

Rafael: Do you want to get a high-paying job? Do you want to be qualified? Then you have to learn computers! [wipe to exterior of Rafael Alonzo’s I.T.F. Technical Computer Institute, voice over continues] At the I.T.F. Technical Computer Institute you will learn all the things necessary to make it in the business world. [dissolve to interior, with Rafael Alonzo on screen with two male students at terminals] At I.T.F., you will learn everything about computers. Things like: [listed items appear on screen as titles] Computer Skills, Computer Screens, Computer Fixing, How to do Computers, Computer Typing Using a Computer Keyboard, Computer Maintenance, Computer Password, Printer, Computer E-Mail, Mouse, Learning About the Computer.

[dissolve to Russian woman sitting at terminal]

Russian Woman: I’m from Russia. I did not learn computers until I am here. Now I’m having so many jobs. Thank you, I.T.F. [makes “okay” sign with fingers]

Rafael: You have to learn computers! At I.T.F., you will learn computer things, like: [listed items appear on screen as titles] Computer Wires, Computer Screensavers, Where to Put the Computer, Web, Computer Desks, Computer Downloading, Font, Computer Speakers, Carrying the Computer, Computer Classes, Computer Boxes.

Woman: All my jobs used to pay me little to no money. Rafael Alonzo’s I.T.F. Technical Institute changed all that. Now the bosses are paying me constantly. I can buy anything: lunches, dresses, gloves, earrings, purses, you name it.

Rafael: You have to learn computers!

[everyone seen in the commercial now appears in the diner]

All: We all did!

Russian Woman: We all did! [a beat after all others]

[wipe to exterior of Rafael Alonzo’s I.T.F. Technical Computer Institute with title: “1-800-555-0199”]

Rafael: [voice over] Call 1-800-555-0199. Rafael Alonzo’s I.T.F. Technical Institute does not have a website.

Submitted by: DavidK93

SNL Transcripts