Simon Cowell….Chris Parnell Paula Abdul….Amy Poehler Randy Jackson….Kenan Thompson Blond Contestant….Maya Rudolph Fat Lady Constestant….Horatio Sanz Torso Contestant….Will Forte Qrplt*xk….Rachel Dratch
[American Idol Montage. A blond girl tries singing a Carole King song]
Blond Contestant:[sings off-key]I feel the earth move under my feet, I feel the sky tumbling down, tumbling down…my heart starts trembling whenever you’re around…oh lady when you hear me….
[Simon, Randy and Paula look at her from the judges chairs]
Simon Cowell: [British accent]How do you think you did?
Blond Contestant: [surprisingly sincere] Not too shabby.
[Cut to Simon]
Simon Cowell: We have got some of the worst people I have ever seen. Not just the singing. Just awful, awful people.
[A fat lady in an ugly green t-shirt with one tooth mangles Jeniffer Lopez’s hit “Jenny from the block”]
Fat Lady Contestant: [sings horribly] Don’t be fooled by the rocks that I got, I’m still, I’m still Jenny from the block, don’t be fooled by the rocks that I got, I’m still, I’m still Jenny, Jenny, Jenny from the block[the judges look in horror] and a little, got a little for what you’re not, I’m still, i’m still, Jenny, Jenny, Jenny from the block. Block, diddy, rock, bop, bop, bop, bop. Oh, and I got my rocks. Yeah!
Simon Cowell: You’re not serious are you?
Randy Jackson: Dawg, come on. You’re goofin’ on us, dawg.
Fat Lady Contestant: I’m not goofin’ on no one Randy. I’m gonna be a star.
Paula Abdul: Honey, you really think you can sing?
Fat Lady Contestant: I know I can sing. Everybody I know says so!
Simon Cowell: Well get yourself a new everybody you know. Look the point is you’re horrible, your look, your talent.
Randy Jackson: I mean, the whole one-tooth thing, dawg. It just don’t work.
Fat Lady Contestant: [bitchy attitude] Well, let me tell you something! I got more talent in my one-tooth than you have in your whole face! And I ahve one thing that you’ll never have—personality and heart.
Simon Cowell: Ok, see you’re just copying William Hung.
Fat Lady Contestant: William who?
Simon Cowell: Please, go away.
Fat Lady Contestant: You go away!
Paula Abdul: What?
Fat Lady Contestant: Can I do another song?
All: No!
[Cut to Randy]
Randy Jackson: William Hung got a record deal. And now there’s a room full of people waiting to be William Hung, dawg. They know they bad, dawg.
[Cut to Paula]
Paula Abdul: Its getting annoying. I mean, if I wanted to see someone with no hope of entertaining anybody, I would get up there myself.
[cut to Simon]
Simon Cowell: I think the ones at the end of the day were the worst.
[Cut to a torso of a man wearing a turban singing an unrecognizable song]
Torso Contestant: [sings like crap] On the wings of love and above the clouds the only place to fly-y-y-y….
Randy Jackson: Ok, all right, dawg. Ok, no more.
Torso Contestant: What?!
Simon Cowell: You’re a torso.
Torso Contestant: You’re a torso!
Simon Cowell: You’re not an idol.
Paula Abdul: Darling, you don’t have a lower body.
Torso Contestant: You don’t have a lower body!
[cut to Randy]
Randy Jackson: Dawg, there was maybe one person that I think maybe wasn’t putting us on. Dawg.
[cut to mutant creature Qrplt*xk with a baby’s arm coming out of her skull, huge teeth, spit drooling goo. She’s mangling Dolly Parton’s song “I’ll always love you”]
Qrplt*xk: [almost mumbles singing] And I will always love you-u-u-u-u, I will always love you-u-u-u-u……
Simon Cowell: Ok, stop, stop.[Qrplt*xk drools heavily]The arm on your head.
Qrplt*xk: [points to it]This one?
Simon Cowell: Yes, that arm.[more disgusting drooling]Do you really believe you’re idol material?[more drooling]
Randy Jackson: I mean, there’s something there, dawg.
Simon Cowell: You’re going to Hollywood.
[Qrplt*xk drools a big, slimy gob between her hideous teeth]
Hostess: [sultry voice] Hey boys, feeling lonely tonight? Wanna chat with some of the most beautiful women in the world? At Exclusive Connections [title: “Exclusive Connections”], we know what kind of guy is calling a sex line at three in the morning [title fades], and we know exactly what turns you on. This is Trixie. [shot widens to include a woman wearing a pointy blue wizard’s hat and matching cape] She’s a Level 8 Dungeon Master, ready to serve all your D&D fantasies.
Trixie: [sultry voice] What’s that baby? You’re a Level 5 Chaotic Evil Half-Orc? Oh, that makes me so hot. I’m a Lawful Neutral Druidic Monk with +5 melee range, Boots of Levitation, and a big, sharp Vorpal Sword. I want you to cast a saving throw, baby! Roll your twelve-sided die and cast it! Cast it!
Hostess: [sultry voice] Mmmmm…that sounds sexy. But that’s not all. If D&D’s not your thing, and you’d rather be in a galaxy far, far away, this here’s Christy. [shot widens to show a woman dressed exactly like Princess Leia at the beginning of A New Hope] She just got back from a trip to Dagobah, and boy is she lonely.
Christy: [sultry voice] So, what’s your name?
[screen splits to show a man wearing thick-rimmed glasses and a Star Wars tee-shirt, on the other end of the line]
Warren: Warren Grabowski.
Christy: [sultry voice] Help me, Warren Grabowski, you’re my only hope.
Warren: I like that. Tell me I’m a nerf herder!
Christy: [sultry voice] You know what you are, Warren? You’re a stuck-up, half-witted, scruffy-looking nerf herder.
Warren: [rapturously] Oh, God, yes!
Hostess: [sultry voice] Say hello to Candy. [shot widens to show a woman dressed exactly like Uhura from Star Trek] She just got her massage license on Rigel VII, and she wants to go where no man has gone before.
Candy: [sultry voice] You know what time it is, baby? It’s the Vulcan mating season of Pon Farr. Much like the eel-birds of Regulus V, if I don’t find a mate, I’ll die.
[screen splits to show an overweight man wearing glasses and a yellow Star Trek uniform, on the other end of the line]
Trekkie: I’m giving myself the Vulcan Nerve Pinch right now. [displays hand with index and middle fingers splayed apart from ring and pinky, and moves his hand below his waist] Oooooh!
Candy: [sultry voice] Oooh, yeah, I like that. I wanna do something logical to you, baby.
Trekkie: Oh, that’s nice!
Hostess: [sultry voice] Still haven’t found what you’re looking for? Why don’t you take a trip around the Misty Mountains to the Gap of Rohan, all the way to Rivendell, to meet our very own Elven princess, Lexis. [shot widens to show a woman with fake Elven ears and a diadem on her forehead]
Lexis: [sultry voice] You’ve been a bad Hobbit, haven’t you?
[screen splits to show a man wearing a grey cloak fastened by a leaf-shaped clasp, rocking vigorously in a chair, on the other end of the line]
Hobbit: I have been a bad Hobbit, yes.
Lexis: [sultry voice] Well, bad Hobbits get sent to Mordor.
Hobbit: But I want to go back to the Shire. Take me back to Eriador.
Lexis: [sultry voice] Oh, you’re going to Mordor, all right. First we’re going all the way to Minas Morgul.
Hobbit: Okay, that’s good.
Lexis: [sultry voice] We’re going to take the long way around the plateau of Golgoroth.
Hobbit: Okay, I can’t take it!
Lexis: [sultry voice] Then we’re going right to the tippy-top of Barad-Dûr.
Hobbit: Yes!
Hostess: [sultry voice] Operators are standing by. Who knows, one of them might be me. Does Doctor Who turn you on, baby? Well, I’m getting into my TARDIS right now. [shot widens to show other operators behind her: a Stormtrooper, a woman with green hair and skin, and a leather-clad woman with white hair and red skin] Oooh, I better put on my big, floppy hat and scarf. [she puts on these garments] I hope I don’t find any Daleks here. Are you a Dalek, baby? Do you want to exterminate me? Call today.
Paul….Seth Meyers Paul’s wife….Amy Poehler Gary B. Anthony….Chris Parnell
Announcer: Now an important message from [Gary’s voice] cheapkids.net.
[Opens with the yuppie couple sitting on chaise lounge chairs on the beach taking a little sun. A waiter brings them drinks. Their two children are playing in the sand and their skin is red-hot from too much sun.]
Paul: We love to encourage our children to read but with children’s books costing $10 to $15 each, its just not worth it.
[Cut to Gary]
Gary B. Anthony: I couldn’t agree more.
Caption: Gary B. Anthony. CEO cheapkids.net
Gary B. Anthony: But what about a beloved children’s classic beautifully illustrated, educational and only 8 cents? Why 8 cents? This edition of “Baby’s first speller”[Cover of the book] due to a typesetting malfunction and some sloppy proofreading is literally riddled with spelling errors but, come on, 8 cents!
[Book is on the letters B and C. Batt= bat, Bpd=bed, Bul=bull. Catt=cat, Cpu= cup, C!5q]
Gary B. Anthony: You see, at cheapkids.net we’re about one thing—saving you money.
[Paul and his wife are on a plane flying First Class. Champagne is served to them.]
Wife: Should I go back to Coach and check on them?
[Paul lowers his expensive shades and looks at her]
Paul: You were just back there 2 hours ago. They’re fine.
[Camera pans to the curtain separating First Class from Coach. We can hear the children crying.]
Child’s Voice: Mommy!
Gary B. Anthony: cheapkids.net. Because when it comes to your children, why pay more?
Caption: Cheapkids.net. When it comes to your children, why pay more?
Paul….Seth Meyers Paul’s wife….Amy Poehler Gary B. Anthony….Chris Parnell
[Opens with an attractive yuppie couple elegantly dressed in expensive skiing gear. They are standing on a snow covered hill. Ski lifts are behind them.]
Paul: We’re pretty well off financially but we also have a fairly expensive lifestyle and frankly maintaining that lifestyle is important to us.
Wife: That’s why when Paul and I decided to have kids we made ourselves a promise….we’re not gonna spend a lot of money raising them.
[Cut to a man in a suit. He’s in a good mood]
Gary B. Anthony: Who says you have to?
Caption: Gary B. Anthony. CEO cheapkids.net
Gary B. Anthony: Hello, I’m Gary B. Anthony. And if you’re spending more than 5% of your disposable income feeding, clothing and caring for your children you are literally throwing your money away. That’s why I created cheapkids.net. We search the world to bring you incredible savings. Like this children’s car safety seats.
Caption: Children’s car safety seats. Price: $2.19
[Car safety seat is made out of wood, safety belt is a string of rope, seat is a flimsy cushion]
Our Nigerian suppliers calls this “factory seconds” but we can’t tell the difference and we doubt your child will either. And from the Czech Republic, these semi-flame retardant infant’s pajamas—
[3 pajamas on display]
Caption: Infant Pajamas. Price: 3 for 99 cents.
–also factory seconds, 3 for 99 cents. And if you’re always losing binkies, you’ll appreciate this assortment of over 400 pre-owned pacifiers and teething rings from our associates in Haiti.
[Cut to box filled with used pacifiers. They are thrown in the box]
Caption: Pre-owned pacifiers. Price: $1.49 per box.
[Cut to swanky apartment. Paul and his wife are surfing the net on their laptop. Their baby is on the floor in the back. The baby coos and plugs a power drill to the electrical socket on the wall]
Paul: Great. I just saved us $600.
Wife: [laughs] That’s a day of snorkeling in St. Lucia.
[They laugh and high-five each other. We can hear the power drill whirring.]
[cut to Gary]
Gary B. Anthony: cheapkids.net. Because when it comes to your children, why pay more?
Caption: cheapkids.net. When it comes to your children, why pay more?
[ open on animated image of a meteor hurtling through the atmosphere and making impact on Earth ]
Narrator V/O: When a meteor hit outside the city of Centerville, a mysterious and visible cloud covered the town, forcing the citizens to flee underground.
[ show townspeople running into a barn-like structure ]
Narrator V/O: In this mysterious, visible cloud was a chemical that enabled bears —
[ show a bear squat in the woods, as the image dissolves into a similar pose of the bear sitting on a toilet inside of a house ]
Narrator V/O: — to evolve an fill the void left by humans.
[ show other bears walking through the city wwearing business suits and carrying briefcases ]
Narrator V/O: And, within two weeks, they had established.. Bear City.
Jingle: “Bear City. Bear, Bear City.”
[ show the bears interacting like humans — stepping out of elevators, rading newspapers, etc. ]
Narrator V/O: Although they couldn’t talk, the bears went about their lives just like Man had done.
[ show close-up of a boy and girl, named Rex Banter and Cynthia Davis ]
Narrator V/O: The only humans left in Bear City were two brave children —
[ the bears swarm in for the kill ]
Narrator V/O: And they were quickly eaten — by bears.
Jingle: “Bear City. Bear, Bear City.”
Narrator V/O: Tonight: “Buying a Pack of Smokes.”
[ fade up on the exterior of a Chevron gas station, as a Bear in a busniess suit parks his SUV, activates the alarm, and approaches the convenience counter. The Bear grunts at a second bear who’s leaving the counter. ]
[ the coutner is manned by a Panda Bear, who acknowledges the Bear’s growl by facing the cigarette wall ]
[ the Bear is displeased; the Panda Bear has pointed to the wrong brand of cigarettes. The Bear growls his request again; the Panda Bear still gets it wrong, and the two argue the matter for quite some time – often with arms surrendered in the air – until the Panda Bear finally grabs the correct brand of cigarettes. ]
[ the Bear grabs his pack of cigarettes and pays for them, then gives the Panda Bear a dirty look before exiting the convenience area. The Panda Bear looks at the camera to acknowledge that he thinks the Bear is an idiot, too. ]
Narrator V/O: Thanks for visiting Bear City.
[ dissolve to title card: “Written and Directed by T. Sean Shannon” ]
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 30: Episode 11 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos:
February 5th, 2005 Paris Hilton Keane None None American IdolSummary: Throngs of untalented singers aspire to be the next William Hung. Recurring Characters: Simon Powell, Randy Jackson, Paula Abdul, Qrplt*xk. Transcript
Montage
Paris Hilton’s MonologueSummary: Kenan Thompson uses his super’s dog to communicate with Paris Hilton via her dog. Bio: Paris Hilton (1981-). Hanger-on; member of the Hilton Hotel family empire; appeared in a homemade sex tape. Cameo: 03g.
Cheapkids.net ISummary: Selfish wanna-be parents (Seth Meyers, Amy Poehler) are encouraged not to waste unneccesary dollars when raising their children. Transcript
Versace SkiingSummary: On the ski slopes, Donatella Versace (Maya Rudolph) calls Paris Hilton a “bitch.” Recurring Characters: Donatella Versace, Elton John.
The Expensive PurseSummary: Both Starkisha (Finesse Mitchell) and rich white girl Portia (Paris Hilton) want the same overpriced purse. Recurring Characters: Starkisha, Malik. Transcript
Cheapkids.net IISummary: CEO Gary B. Anthony (Chris Parnell) tries to pawn off children’s books with incorrect spelling for eight cents. Transcript
Exclusive ConnectionsSummary: Exclusive phone sex hotline satisfies the sci-fi fantasies of nerds everywhere. Transcript
The TrumpsSummary: Donald Trump (Darrell Hammond) brings third wife Melania (Paris Hilton) home to meet the kids (Seth Meyers, Amy Poehler). Recurring Characters: Donald Trump, Melania Knauss, Ivanka Trump.
Keane performs “Somewhere Only We Know”Bio: Formed in Battle, East Sussex, England in 1997; members: vocalist Tom Chaplin, drummer Richard Hughes, and pianist Tim Rice-Oxley.
Weekend Update with Tina Fey & Amy PoehlerSummary: Donavan McNabb (Finesse Mitchell) and his mother, Charline (Kenan Thompson), comment on the Super Bowl. A visit from the tiny people from Elliot Gould’s moustache (Fred Armisen, Rachel Dratch) takes a tragic turn. Tina and Amy perform a Superbowl Point/Counterpoint. Recurring Characters: Donavan McNabb, Charline McNabb. Transcript
Merv the PervSummary: His 20-year high school reunion prompts a flashback of Merv’s (Chris Parnell) slim prom chances. Recurring Characters: Merv the Perv. Transcript
Cheapkids.net IIISummary: CEO Gary B. Anthony (Chris Parnell) hawks ridiculously cheap children’s medicine.
Rafael Alonzo’s I.T.F. Technical Computer InstituteSummary: Rafael (Fred Armisen) teaches simple computer technology. Note: This sketch was cut from the dress rehearsals of the episodes hosted by Topher Grace and Paul Giamatti. Transcript
Inside Barbie’s DreamhouseSummary: Ken (Will Forte) cheats on Barbie (Amy Poehler) with another Barbie (Paris Hilton). Recurring Characters: Barbie, Ken.
Keane performs “Everybody’s Changing”
The BarSummary: Philadelphian Brent (Seth Meyers) doesn’t score with woman (Paris Hilton) in a bar.
Bear CitySummary: Frustration culminates when a bear tries to get cigarettes from a gas station. Note: This short film was cut from the dress rehearsals of the last seven episodes. Transcript
Dress Rehearsal Cuts Access HollywoodSummary: Billy Bush (Seth Meyers) interviews Joe Simpson (Will Forte) about daughters Ashlee (Rachel Dratch) and Jessica (Paris Hilton). Recurring Characters: Jessica Simpson.
Paris and ParisSummary: Paris Hilton and her doppleganger (Maya Rudolph) walk the red carpet. Recurring Characters: Paris Hilton, Nicole Richie.
That’s HotSummary: Paris Hilton sneaks off to a party with Maya Rudolph, leaving Chris Parnell and Amy Poehler to carry on a conversation with a catchphrase-spewing recording.
Bear CitySummary: In high school, a boy bear’s friends embarrass him in front of a group of girl bears.
…..Tina Fey …..Amy Poehler …..Rachel Dratch Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger…..Darrell Hammond
Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, it’s “Weekend Update,” with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler!
[cheers and applause]
Amy Poehler: Hello, Im Amy Poehler.
Tina Fey: Im Tina Fey, and here are tonights top stories:
Well, tonights top story is the massive blizzard currently blanketing the northeast corridor, so we have started a new segment called Dratch on the 1s. Reporting live outside from Rockefeller Plaza, our very own Rachel Dratch.
[Applause. Cut to split-screen shot of Studio 8H and Rockefeller Plaza. Rachel waves to the camera]
Hi Rachel. Whats it like out there?
Rachel Dratch: Hi Tina and Amy! Its really cold out here, and the snow is not stopping anytime soon. [fake snow falls on Rachel]
Amy Poehler: Its so pretty though! Isnt it pretty, Tina?
Tina Fey: It is, it really is. Rachel, is the snow as pretty as it looks from here?
Rachel Dratch: Well, theres actually a phenomenon called white blindness, so I cant really see much of anything. Um, something about the surface of your eyeballs freezing when the subzero air hits them. [thermometer displayed on screen next to Rachel reads 10° F, and steadily falls]
Tina Fey: Rachel, I told you, if you need to warm up, jump in the van we put out there for you!
Amy Poehler: Yeah, what is she complaining about?
Tina Fey: I dont know, shes always complaining.
Rachel Dratch: Well theres no van out here, Tina. Um, I did climb into one van I thought was ours, and a man with a face tattoo tried to sell me some stereo equipment. I stayed in there a little bit longer, though, cause it was warm. And he wouldnt let me out.
Tina Fey: Rachel, are- are people out on the streets? It looks pretty deserted.
Rachel Dratch: Uh yeah, uh, its pretty desolate, Tina, except for a few teenage fans who are watching me work. [Rachel gets pelted with snowballs] And our dedicated crew. [gets pelted with more snowballs] Hey um, can I, can I come upstairs now?
Tina Fey: Oh no, no, sorry Rachel. You know, if it were to suddenly stop snowing, that would be breaking news, and we need you down there in case that happens.
Rachel Dratch: But I, I
Amy Poehler: OK, well check in with you later, Dratch! Rachel Dratch, everybody.
Rachel Dratch: But its cold [applause]
Amy Poehler: Well check in with you later.
Though most of Thursdays Presidential Inauguration went smoothly, there was one scary moment when a gas cloud escaped from a manhole along the motorcade route. But fortunately, the Presidents Secret Service driver used high-speed evasive maneuvers to avoid it.
Remember, only trained stunt drivers should attempt such moves.
Boxing promoter Don King filed a 2.5-billion-dollar defamation suit against ESPN last week, after a SportsCentury profile of him referred to him as a snake oil salesman and a shameless huckster. In ESPNs defense, they got those descriptions off of Kings business card.
Tina Fey:Time magazine reported this week that Katie Couric has been approached by CBS to replace Dan Rather as anchor of The CBS Evening News. Apparently CBS really likes her idea for a segment called Where in the World is Osama Bin Laden?
Replacing Rather with Couric would be good for people who like the news, but wish it contained more awkward flirting.
Dr. James Dobson, the founder of the conservative Christian organization Focus on the Family, claimed in a speech Tuesday that the cartoon character SpongeBob Squarepants is gay, and is being used in a pro-homosexual video designed to brainwash kids. [laughs] And yet, he gives that carpet muncher Dora the Explorer a free ride. [picture of Dora the Explorer smiling and wearing a backpack; applause] Look at her. A backpack? A backpack.
Amy Poehler: It was reported that Mary Kate Olsen will be moving out of the New York apartment she shares with her sister Ashley. Damn you, Angelina Jolie! Is nothing sacred? [applause]
Tina Fey: You got a point there.
Yesterday California, uh, carried out its first execution in three years, after Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger rejected a final appeal for clemency. Here to discuss his decision, Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger.
[pan to Gov. Schwarzenegger; applause]
Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger: Hello Tina Fey, hello Amy Poehler. Im not here to discuss the ending of that mans life, and all those kind of things. We Californians have other, more important concerns, like the running of the water and all that, eh, the mud sliding around up there. I have to, uh, I have to leave my Exercycle and go up there and tell the mud to stop this. I- I know I have made the movies with the guns going off, and the buildings exploding and the robots running around, but this does not mean that I am a violent person, Tina Fey. I am not like this! I am full of joy, and stuff like this.
Tina Fey: Really. OK.
Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger: You shouldve seen me on Thursday, Tina Fey. There I was, at the Inaugural Ball, with the President and the Vice President and the Secretary of this thing and that thing. You know, all the people are saying, Arnold, you should be the next President in four years. But I cant do that, Tina! Im not born around here. I keep saying this, but no one is listening out there. Yes, of course I would like to hang around and be the President of the United States, having the parties, and the making of the speeches, and the shooting of the rockets at the foreign people. But this will never happen!
But then the people are saying, maybe yes, with the changing of the laws up there, and the running of the race and the winning of the debates, and the calling of the opponent the girly-man. That is how, that is how we will get this done, and this is how Jay Lenos going to be the next Vice President of the United States, and this is how I will not be the Terminator, I will be the President-with-the-No-Term-Limits-tonator!
Tina Fey: Arnold Schwarzenegger, everybody! [cheers and applause]
Amy Poehler: It was reported this week that a hacker got access to Paris Hiltons BlackBerryif you know what I mean.
Tina Fey: [laughs] See you next week!
[The camera remains on Amy, even though Tina is ready to deliver the next joke. After she points her pencil in Tinas direction, the shot finally changes]
On Friday[laughs again] That was a hot seat!
On Friday, FCC Chairman Michael Powell announced that he plans to step down from his job two years before his term ends. Aw, thats a shame. Thats a damn shame! Thats a mother[several seconds of Tinas commentary bleeped out] shame. [applause]
Amy Poehler: OK now, everybody, lets go back to our Dratch on the 1s weather report. Hows it going down there, Rachel?
[cut to Rachel shivering, while the thermometer reads -22° F]
Rachel Dratch: Uh, OK, its still, still really cold out here. [removes an icicle that formed on her nose]
Tina Fey: Yeah thats, you know, thats why were talking to you. [Tina and Amy now hold coffee mugs in their hands]
Rachel Dratch: Hey, hey, what are you guys drinking?
Tina Fey: Um, hot chocolate. Its almost too hot to drink, though.
Amy Poehler: Yeah. [both blow into the mugs]
Rachel Dratch: Can I- can I come in? I think they get it, its snowing!
Tina Fey: Rachel, being a good journalist isnt about your personal comfort, its about the story, and if you cant handle that, maybe you shouldnt be a Weekend Update correspondent, OK?
[Amy gasps at Tinas suggestion]
Rachel Dratch: Youre right. Im sorry Tina.
Tina Fey: Now did you do that other thing for us?
Rachel Dratch: Oh yeah, um, I got it. [bends down to pick up several bags of McDonalds food] But I think your Crispy Chicken Salads are frozen.
Tina Fey: Well then, youre gonna have to go back and get us two new ones.
Amy Poehler: Unbelievable! And Ludacris wants a Diet Snapple root beer.
Tina Fey: I dont think they even make that.
Amy Poehler: Well, she better find it, cause its for Ludacris. [some applause]
Tina Fey: OK, well check back with you in a few minutes. [Rachel just smiles and keeps shivering] Be well, Dratch.
[turning over the mugs] Theres no cocoa in here!
Elephant handlers in Thailand have started teaching the animals to defecate in a huge toilet. Cooler still are the enormous copies of Us Weekly.
Amy Poehler: Donald Trump and producer Mark Burnett are reportedly considering creating a Broadway musical based on The Apprentice. The pair came up with the idea when neither one of them could find a match to set fire to a pile of money. [applause]
A new sex survey reveals that 58% of British women fake their orgasms, while 4% fake their accents. [picture of Madonna]
Tina Fey: Robert DeNiro and Martin Scorcese are talking about making a sequel to the 70s classic Taxi Driver. It will be called, You Talkin to Me, Focker?
And itll make a billion trillion dollars!
Amy Poehler: A new study has found that being dumped can cause changes in a womans brain that are visible on MRI scans. The study also found that women hate being dumped while strapped inside an MRI machine.
Tina Fey: A woman in Brazil gave birth Wednesday to what doctors have called a giant baby, and this is a real picture of the newborn boy weighing 17 pounds. The woman will talk to the press as soon as she finishes putting her vagina back together. [some applause]
Amy Poehler: OK lets, uh, lets check back with Rachel one more time. Rachel Dratch, where is she?
Tina Fey: Weather on the Dratches Uh oh.
[cut to a shot of a huge mound of snow, with a wool cap and Weekend Update microphone sticking out from the top]
Amy Poehler: Ra- Rachel Dratch, everybody.
Tina Fey: Rachel Dratch, everybody!
Amy Poehler: Wow. For Weekend Update, Im Amy Poehler.
Tina Fey: Im Tina Fey. Good night and have a pleasant tomorrow.
[open on harlequin blowing smoke cloud with title: “BBC America”]
Voice Over: You’re watching BBC America.
[dissolve to opening montage with title: “Spy Glass”]
[dissolve to studio, with Ian and Zoe]
Ian: Welcome to “Spy Glass,” English television’s top shop for gloss goss.
[titles: “Ian Gerrard,” “Zoe Anderton,” placed beneath the appropriate persons]
Zoe: I’m Zoe Anderton, and my lips are sealed. [lifts finger to mouth as if to make “shhh” gesture]
Ian: And I’m Ian Gerrard, [titles are removed] getting us started with the story, “Heil Harry or Swas-Sticky Situation.” [graphic of Prince Harry dressed as Nazi at top left] When Prince Harry arrived at a costume party wearing a Nazi uniform, it caused quite a Fuhrer. What turned this boy into a Ger-man? Too many gin and Teu-tonics? I think we can all agree this is Nazi best idea he ever had.
Zoe: [graphic of female silhouette with question mark at top right] What “Electra”-fying actress is maybe disguising a pregnancy as an illness? You’ll never Jennifer Garner an answer from me. But we all hope she overcomes her current Ben Affleck-tion. [silhouette is replaced by picture of Jennifer Garner, with cartoon of stork carrying baby]
Ian: [graphic of Jennifer Anniston and Brad Pitt in torn picture at top left] And now, “Brad Splits, or Let’s Just be ‘Friends.'” Well, the breakup is official, and Jennifer is Ani-stunned. But what man could blame Brad for getting his Jolies? Angelina said they were just friends, but maybe she’s being Lara Croft-y. Brad says, “Don’t blame me; it wasn’t “Legends of My Fault.” One too many? Bit of a stretch? I agree. Zoe!
Zoe: [graphic of David Beckham at top right] What tip-top news correspondent was removed from a party recently for ignoring a court order that dictates she stay a hundred meters away from David Beckham? Here’s a hint: She lives in my mirror. [Zoe smiles smugly as graphic changes to include Zoe joyfully peering from behind David Beckham’s shoulder]
Ian: And now let’s go to our teenaged news beat. Filling in for teen dream Vivan Cinnamon tonight, BBC’s Parliament correspondent, Rupert Smythe Pennington.
[dissolve to Rupert Smythe Pennington standing in front of Piccadilly Circus with title: “Rupert Smythe Pennington”]
Rupert: Well, cheers, all. It’s me, Rupert Smythe Pennington, with the fab gab for the teen scene. [swish-pan to photo of Olsen Twins] Well, it’s been reported that Mary-Kate Olsen will be moving out the New York apartment she shares with her sister Ashley. [swish-pan to Rupert] Now wait a “New York Minute.” Is this sister act breaking up, or is it just a case of a “Full House”? Oh, this just in! [swish-pan to photo of Cameron Diaz and Justin Timberlake] Cameron is sporting a friendship ring that seems to say marriage might be right around the corner. [swish-pan to Rupert] It seems this pop star is falling in love so fast, we should say [lifts hand to mouth] “Tiiiiimbeeeeer–” [removes hand] “–lake.” [swish-pan to photo of Jude Law and Sienna Miller] Hey, Jude. Don’t make it bad. Take a hot girl and make her your wife. [swish-pan to Rupert] Well, this is Rupert Smythe Pennington for Teen Beat.
[dissolve to studio]
Zoe: Well done.
Ian: Indeed. Good show, Rupert Smythe Pennington.
[dissolve to Rupert]
Rupert: I must say, that was quite a delight. I’m afraid you don’t get that kind of robust language in the Parliament. That was great fun! Great fun! Great fun! Smashing! Cheerio!
[dissolve to studio]
Zoe: [graphic of reveling footballers with mystery silhouette at top right] What me-shaped girl decided the best way to get close to Beckham was to shag his teammates? Me. [silhouette is replaced by Zoe] Jealous, Becks? I just hope you don’t call me. [title: “079808940-MOBILE,” “0044685493-WORK”] [Zoe nods and mouths, “Call me.”]
Ian: Just thought of another Brad and Jen detail, Zoe. We here at “Spy Glass” hope they give it another “Troy.”
Zoe: Didn’t need that one.
Ian: I absolutely didn’t. Terrible call on my part. Well, it’s time to join our cinema correspondent, the Right Honorable Reginald Hereford Eugene Shalitshire.
[dissolve to Gene Shalit wearing small powdered wig in front of “Critics Corner” backdrop with title: “Reginald Hereford Eugene Shalitshire”]
Gene: Parum, parum, parum! Well, it’s been a great movie year, and here are some of my favorite Oscar hopefuls. “Vera Drake”? Make no Vera mistake, it’s a winner! “Hotel Rwanda”? I R-want-a see it again! Somebody please R-wind-a it! “Finding Neveralnd”? I never thought I’d be finding a movie that good in this land! “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind”? That’s one movie I wouldn’t Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind seeing again. I’m sick. This is Sir Reginald Hereford Eugene Shalitshire saying “Pip, pip!”
[dissolve to studio]
Zoe: [graphic of reveling footballers with Zoe at top right] This just in. Those weren’t David Beckham’s teammates. They were stadium janitors. [graphic is replaced by photograph of janitors]
Ian: You’ve really got to pull yourself together.
[mobile phone rings]
Zoe: Oh, excuse me Ian, that’s probably David Beckham. [answers phone] Hello? That sounds great. [hangs up]
Ian: Was it David Beckham?
Zoe: No, it was my doctor. He says I have the Red Devil. A.K.A., Spanish chlamydia. And if you’re wondering, it is worse than normal chlamydia.
Ian: But we’ve had…
Zoe: We have.
Ian: So then I have.
Zoe: You do.
[dissolve to Rupert]
Rupert: Bad news for me as well.
[dissolve to Gene]
Gene: Oh, boy!
[dissolve to studio]
Ian: [to Zoe] Shalitshire?
[Zoe winks and coyly looks away from Ian]
Ian: When we come back, Naomi Watts drunk on shots. Is the Aussie lass drinking herself down under the table?
Zoe: You better watch your step.
Both: You’re under the “Spy Glass.” [Zoe brings her thumb and index finger to her left eye, as if looking through a spy glass]
Condoleeza Rice: — And, in the next four years, I hope to continue to promote an environment of hope and prosperity alongside the world’s global powers. Thank you, Mr. Chairman.
[ cut to Sen. Richard Luger ]
[ SUPER: “Sen. Richard Luger (R) – IN” ]
Sen. Richard Luger: Well, thank you, Dr. Rice! On behalf of myself and my colleagues, we appreciate your comments. Uh, I think it’s safe to say that you’ve got this thing all locked up. So, in the interest of time, maybe you’d like to close with some bullet points.
Condoleeza Rice: Uh.. okay, uh.. freedom.. Saddam Hussein.. September 11th.
Sen. Richard Luger: Aaaaand.. that’ll do it for me! So! Unless there’s any questions, I think we can —
Sen. John Kerry: [ interrupting ] If I may, Mr. Chairman!
Sen. Richard Luger: Ah! Well, uh.. Sen. Kerry. You have the floor.
[ SUPER: “Sen. John Kerry (D) – MA” ]
Sen. John Kerry: Let me begin by saying, that there’s no place I’d rather be than right here, back in the Senate. And, to think, were it not for that feisty little state of Ohio, I’d be planning my own inauguration tonight. A party that would have included poet/laureate Bob Dylan.. and a performance by the incomparable Savio Glover, brining in both the noise.. and the funk!
Sen. Richard Luger: [ annoyed ] Do you have a question, Senator?
Sen. John Kerry: I do not have a question —
Sen. Richard Luger: You said you had a question!
Sen. John Kerry: Then, I do have a question! Dr. Rice, in your opinion.. don’t you think that would have been a cool party?
Condoleeza Rice: Uh.. yes – no. No, I don’t think so.
Sen. Richard Luger: Okay, let’s just – let’s just wrap it up! I think we can beat the traffic if. There’s nothing else —
[ SUPER: “Sen. Barbara Boxer (D) – CA” ]
Sen. Barbara Boxer: Mr. Chairman, if I may. Dr. Rice, I have a few points that I’d like to make.
Sen. Richard Luger: Really? May I remind you that none of this matters, since we’re gonna confirm this lady, anyway! And, may I also remind you that I have tickets to The Lion King, Sen. Boxer!
Sen. Barbara Boxer: Okay, I understand, Senator. Dr. Rice, please. Will you take a look at this map. [ holds up color map ] It shows the State Department’s list of every country in which Al Quaeda operated in prior to 9/11 – Iraq is simply not there. [ holds up document ] Um.. this is a document where you claim that Saddam Hussein was planning to launch a nuclear attack in the U.S. in the form of a, quote – your quote – “mushroom cloud.” I will be, uh, placing this into the record, as well as a number of such statements you’ve made, which have not been consistent with the facts.
Condoleeza Rice: [ taken aback ] Senator, I take offense to your accusations, and I would be very willing to talk to you about this in a more.. appropriate forum – you know, when there aren’t so many senators and TV cameras around. Perhaps, sometime after I get the job. [ smiles ]
Sen. Barbara Boxer: [ continuing ] Let me show you something. [ holds up a paper with a huge “0” on it ] This is the number zero, on a piece of paper, which represents how many weapons of mass destruction have been found in Iraq. Uh.. right here is a graph that I made. [ holds up graph with short yellow bar and tall blue bar ] The yellow bar represents the truth, uh.. the blue bar represents what you say. The blue equals lies. As you can see, the blue bar is crazy higher than the yellow.
Condoleeza Rice: Once again, Senator, I am going to get confirmed —
Sen. Barbara Boxer: Okay, wait, wait, uh.. [ holds up a cartoon drawing of Condoleeza Rice ] This is a big head caricature of you, and you’re lying and playing tennis. [ pulls over a plaster-of-paris homemade volcano ] Uh.. this is a plaster-of-paris volcano that I made, to represent the rising tension in the middle East.
Sen. Richard Luger: Now wait a second! This is supposed to be easy – in and out! She gets the job, we go to the parties!
Sen. John Kerry: Cat fight!
Sen. Barbara Boxer: Uh.. uh.. the baking soda represents our current situation in Iraq – this vinegar is your lies. [ pours vinegar into the mouth of the volcano ] Uh, when I combine them, look what happens – an eruption of lies! [ the volcano starts to smoke ] An eruption of lies from your lie volcano! Dr. Condo-lies-a lies-a-lot! You – let me get this here. [ holds up paper dolls ] You have fold the people.. [ holds up a dinner plate ] ..by feeding them.. [ holds up a packet of balogna ] ..a bunch of balogna!
Condoleeza Rice: [ smiling ] I’m sorry. I wasn’t listening. Just trying to make a decision on these business cards. [ holds up business cards ] You know the ones that say “Secretary of State”?
Sen. Richard Luger: Th-that balogna thing really did sum up your argument, I think, Sen. Carrot Top.
Sen. John Kerry: Bruce Springsteen was going to sing at my Inauguration! He had changed the words of “Glory Days” to “Kerry Days! They’re finally here, Kerry Days!”
Sen. Richard Luger: Senator, do you have a question?
Sen. John Kerry: Technically, I do not!
Sen. Richard Luger: Alright! Then, I move that we postpone these hearings until after the Inaugural party. [ bangs gavel ] Alright. Is this going to happen for the next four years?
Air Date:
