Paul Giamatti: Thank you! Thank you very much! Thank you, thank you, thank you! Very nice, very nice! Well, well, well, well, well, thank you so much! You know, I want to say that is truly great to be hosting “Saturday Night Live”! Thank you! [ audience cheers ] And.. I – really, really, honestly – I want to thank all of you for coming out in the blizzard. Honestly, First big snowstorm of the new year. Beautiful out there – right? Right? You know, we weren’t sure we gonna get an audience – right? It’s really coming down. But, now, me and 400 of my new best friends, we’re gonna have a sleepover! Right, gang!
[ audience screams with applause ]
Yeah! You know, now, last week I was at the Golden Globes, out in sunny L.A., because my movie “Sideways” was nominated, and — [ audience cheers ] And that was really great, you know? I sat two tables down from the “Desperate Housewives, and, uh.. they weren’t as desperate as I would have hoped. Ah, a man can dream! But, it was a great night. It was filled with great moments, beautiful speeches. Did you all see Jamie Foxx’s speech? Wow! Wow! [ audience applauds ] I, actually, I cried. But not for the same reason that everybody else did. But, uh.. but, as an actor, I have to say it was a real honor to be in the same room with all of those people. I mean.. Martin Scorcese, Meryl Streep, Clint Eastwood.. Clint Eastwood! Clint Eastwood was at the table right next to mine. I mean, I was so close to the man I could put my fingers in his soup. Which I did! Let me say that! [ mimes the gesture ]
Mick Jagger was there. Mick Jagger! Right? He was there with his daugh- granddaugh- his wi- frie- something, I don’t know. Actually, I don’t really know who she was, but she was very lovely, actually.
Anyway, the whole night was absolutely amazing. And, tonight is going to be even more amazing than that. I am very happy to be here! So, please, cozy up. We’ve got a great show. Ludacris and Sum-41 are here! So you stick around! We’ll be right back!
[Opens with a music instruments store. In walks hyperactive kid Kaitlin with her almost sedated stepdad Rick. Rick sits on a bench in the store sipping from a 7-11 Big Gulp]
Kaitlin: Rick! Rick! Rick! Rick!
Rick: Kaitlin, hurry up and pick an instrument. We got to pick your mother from work.
Kaitlin: Rick, if I don’t choose an instrument for music class by Friday, Ms. Stillsen’s gonna choose one for me and I don’t want to get stuck playing the recorder. I want to play the drums, Rick! [in Rick’s ear] Rick! I want to play the drums!, the drums!, the drums!
Rick: No. You don’t want to play the drums. We’re gonna ask your Uncle Chazz about it.
Kaitlin: You know Rick, I’ve come to terms with the whole no drums thing and it’s really hard but I think if we moved your Soloflex out of the garage, we could play some drums in there, Rick! Please! Please! Please! Rick, my drums…
Rick: We can’t get rid of the Soloflex. I haven’t stopped making payments on it yet.
[Uncle Chazz appears. He’s an old hippie with long hair, carries an electric guitar]
Uncle Chazz: Hey there, Rick.
Rick: Hey, Chazz.
Uncle Chazz: I’m sorry about last Christmas, man.
Rick: Don’t worry about it.
Uncle Chazz: Hey Kaitlin! Give me five!
Kaitlin: Hey Uncle Chazz!! [high fives] Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Hey Uncle Chazz, do you have a gig tonight?! Can I go to your gig tonight?! Will you put me in your list for your gig?! Will you put me as your guest on your list?!
Uncle Chazz: Oh, oh Kaitlin, man. You are always on my guest list.
Kaitlin: Hey Uncle Chazz, we’re here to get me an instrument and don’t even say the drums cause Rick thinks they make TOO MUCH NOISE!!
Uncle Chazz: You don’t want to be a drummer, man. Drummers are douchebags. No, they steal wives.
Kaitlin: I know, cause I can’t decide sometimes when I grow up I want to be a professional musician but other times I want to be a professional “Price is Right” contestant. I would always win Chazz, cause I would wait until everyone would stop bidding and I would say “One dollar, Bob” and then I would like [humming “Price is Right” theme] and then they’d be like “a new car!” And then I would play Plinko and I would be like Yodi! Yodi! Yodi! [yodeling, wiggling index finger]
Rick: Kaitlin, pick out an instrument.
Uncle Chazz: Ok, ok. Now is the time when you introduce yourself to your destiny. Today is your first day of your musical journey. But remember this, man. You don’t choose the instrument….the instrument chooses you.
Kaitlin: [impressed] Whoa, awesome Chazz.[goes looking for an instrument]
Uncle Chazz: [sits besides Rick] All right.
Rick: Hey, how’s your band?
Uncle Chazz: It’s amazing! Actually man, really amazing! You know, we’re this close, this close. I keep telling them, we need to quit our day jobs. We need to eat music and sleep music and pay our bills with music. I mean, the stuff that we’ve been laying down is pure magic. Absolutely instant classics. You know, we’re doing a concept album right now. And it’s called “Merlin’s Dew” and it’s all about this wizard lost in a violent world filled with processed foods and poverty and bitchy ex-wives.
Rick: The wizard has an ex-wife?
Uncle Chazz: Well, yeah! It’s kinda like rock meets folk meets country meets fusion metal. I call it “rofolkomet”.
Kaitlin: Hey guys, I can’t decide on this instrument and I have an idea. Maybe my voice should be my instrument. Cause I’m a very dynamic singer, Rick! [sings into an open microphone The Black Crowes “Hard to Handle”] Boys come along a dime a dozen, that ain’t’ nothing but plain good lovin’, Hey little girl let me light your candle cause mama I’m sure hard to handle, now give it now, be-e-e-op!
Uncle Chazz: [applauds] Jeez, man. My head is simply filled with lyrics. They come to me constantly, man. Listen, I wrote something last night. Listen to this, yeah, yeah. [takes out little pocketbook notebook] “My love is a fool’s game, the night is filled with moon’s shame, the wizard said cavachaphombum….”
Rick: Were you high when you wrote that?
Uncle Chazz: Yeah, actually I think I was.
Kaitlin: [violin in hand] Hey you guys, Rick this violin is not good for me. It’s too delicate. [pretends to sit on it] What if I sat on it, Rick?! What if I sat on it?! I almost sat on it three times! What if I fell on it? And I went whoa, whoa! whoa! [pretends to fall on violin]
Rick: Cool it, cool it, Kaitlin.
Kaitlin: Chazz, one time I was on my trampoline with my roller skates on and I tried the back flip and I flew up in the air and I thought I was a goner. And time stood still and I made eye contact with a bird and the bird was looking at me like “you have not mentally prepared enough for this back flip, I will guide you safely back to earth” And then I landed but I was still so scared and I ran inside and was like “take me to Taco Bell, Rick! I need a tostada to calm my nerves! I need to make a run for the border! Yo quiero Taco Bell!!” Remember that?! Rick! Rick! Rick! Rick!
Uncle Chazz: That’s a great story! Kaitlin, hold it! I’m hearing lyrics, man! [takes out little pocket notebook and scribbles] Roller skates! Birds! Trampolines! Rick! Rick!
Rick: All right. Everyone calm down. Kaitlin, pick out an instrument and we’ll pick up your mother.
Uncle Chazz: Ok, I’m gonna go out on a limb here, man. The instrument that is calling Kaitlin’s name? The skins!
Kaitlin: That means drums Rick![runs around in circles around Rick and Chazz] Rick! Rick! Chazz! Chazz! Rick! Drums! Rick! Drums!
Rick: Hey, hey. Calm down. All right, we can rent the drums for a month.
Kaitlin: [kicks] Boom!
Rick: But, you can only play them when I’m awake.
Kaitlin: Thanks Rick. Awesome! [gets behind a drum set] Here we go! One! Two! Three! Four!
Rick: Kaitlin!
Kaitlin: All right, Rick. I’ll just work on my stick work.[wiggles stick through fingers in slow motion][whispers] Oooh, look at this Rick.
Uncle Chazz: Awesome Kaitlin. You know, if you’re coming to my gig we have to hit the road. It’s a four hour drive and my van doesn’t have heater back seats.
Kaitlin: That sounds awesome Chazz. [whispering to Rick] Rick, Rick, Rick. [loudly] I can’t wait to go to the gig! [whispers to Rick] I don’t want to go to the gig. [loudly] Please, let me go to the gig, Rick?! [whispers to Rick] I don’t want to go to the gig.
Rick: [bailing her out] No, no Kaitlin. You need to do homework.
Kaitlin: [whispers] Thanks, Rick.
Uncle Chazz: Well, I’ll walk you guys out. I got to call home and talk-sing the lyrics of my new song into my answering machine.
President George W. Bush…..Will Forte Jenna Bush…..Amy Poehler Barbara Bush…..Tina Fey Dick Cheney…..Darrell Hammond
[ open on exterior, White House, night ]
[ SUPER: “Thursday Night After the Inaugural Ball” ]
[ dissolve to exterior, window ]
[ SUPER: “Jenna and Barbara’s Room” ]
[ dissolve to interior, room, Jenna and Barbara kissing their daddy, President George W. Bush, good night ]
Jenna Bush: Good night, Daddy!
Barbara Bush: Congratulations!
President George W. Bush: Sleep tight, you two. Dream about freedom!
Jenna Bush: Daddy, I always knew you were gonna be a two-term precedent. Whoo-oo!!
President George W. Bush: Right back, atcha, J-Bird! [ exits room ]
Jenna Bush: Oh, my God, Barbara! I’m so wasted! Do you think he could tell?
Barbara Bush: Probably. You were line-dancing, and your shoe totally flew off!
Jenna Bush: Oh, my God, Barbara. I’ve got the spins.
[ they sit on their beds ]
Barbara Bush: Jenna, I told you not to drink straight Tequila.
Jenna Bush: I didn’t. I mixed it – with Captain Morgan.
Barbara Bush: I can’t believe you threw your gum at those protestors!
Jenna Bush: [ chuckles ] I was exercising my God-given right, to protect my liberty from evil-doers!
Barbara Bush: I was so bored by the end, I started playing this game that, any time anyone said the word “freedom”, I stuffed a little piece of Oriental Chex mix up my nose.
Jenna Bush: I was so drunk, I made out with Dick Cheney’s daughter.
Barbara Bush: Jenna!
Jenna Bush: What? Not the gay one – duh!
Barbara Bush: I can’t believe we’ve gotta sleep in this room for four more years.
Jenna Bush: Not me. I’m getting my own place. I’m gonna get a cool job – designing fashion, or teaching deaf kids to read, or something.. And I’m gonna buy a totally bad ass condo in downtown Houston, and I’m gonna be, like, “Suck it, Vanessa Kerry! I’m livin’ large!” Ohh.. I’m so drunk..
Barbara Bush: Jenna, do you think Daddy’s a good president?
Jenna Bush: [ gasps ] Oh, my God, Barbara! How can you even ask that?!
Barbara Bush: I don’t know. I see all those people holding up signs that say, “Worst President Ever” and “Dumbest President Ever”, and “Biggest Liar Ever”, and.. it makes you wonder.
Jenna Bush: Well, don’t wonder out loud!
Barbara Bush: Jenna, we’re twins! We have to share our msot secret thoughts about everything.
Jenna Bush: Well, it’s disrespectable!
Barbara Bush: Just answer me in our secret twin language.
Jenna Bush: Barbara, we haven’t used that language since we were, like, 19.
Barbara Bush: Do-ba you-ba think-ba Dad’s-ba a-ba good-ba candidate?
Barbara Bush: I-ba know! But the-ba war-ba in-ba Iraq-ba is-ba a-ba big-ba shi-ba storm! What about-ba Social-ba Security? I read-ba it-ba isn’t-ba really-ba going-ba bankrupt!
Jenna Bush: But-ba.. allowing-ba people-ba to.. invest-ba.. their-ba.. retirement-ba money-ba.. in-ba the private-ba.. sector-ba.. isn’t-ba smart-ba because-ba, um.. Dang, I don’t know! This is giving me a headache! You think you know everything because you went to Yale, and I went to UT!
Barbara Bush: Oh, Jenna, don’t say that. Yale’s not so great, and UT has a real pretty fitness center.
[ President Bush re-enters ]
President George W. Bush: Hey. Y’all still up? Your mother asked the chef for some more of that Crème Broule, or as I like to call it: Freedom Puddin.
Barbara Bush: No thanks, Dad. I’m tired, and Jenna’s got the spins.
President George W. Bush: I never could understand this crazy twin talk. It’s hard!
Jenna Bush: Daddy? Did you see Arnold Schwarzenegger tonight? Wasn’t he so awesome?
President George W. Bush: [ sits on the edge of Barbara’s bed ] You missed it. I went up to him, and I said, “Hey, Terminator! Hasta la vista! I’ll be back!”
Barbara Bush: That’s funny, Daddy! Do it again!
President George W. Bush: “Hey, Terminator! Hasta la vista! I’ll be back!”
[ they all share a heart laugh, as a tuxedo-clad Dick Cheney enters ]
Dick Cheney: Alright, lights out. Big day tomorrow. Fun was had. Let’s not push it.
President George W. Bush: Alright, girls. I’ll see you tomorrow. [ exits room ]
Jenna Bush: Good night, Daddy.
Barbara Bush: Good night, Dick Cheney.
Dick Cheney: [ before exiting the room ] By the way: I-ba heard-ba everything-ba that-ba you-ba were-ba saying! [ chuckles maliciously to himself ] Go to bed. [ exits room ]
Barbara & Jenna Bush: Oh, my God! “Live-ba, from-ba New-ba York-ba, it’s Saturday Niiiiiiight!!”
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 30: Episode 10 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos:
January 22nd, 2005 Paul Giamatti Ludacris with Sum-41 None None The Bush TwinsSummary: Alone in their room after the Inauguration, twins Jenna (Amy Poehler) and Barbara Bush (Tina Fey) speak in non-sequiters. Recurring Characters: Jenna Bush, President George W. Bush, Dick Cheney. Transcript
Montage
Paul Giamatti’s MonologueSummary: Payched to be hosting SNL, Paul Giamatti tells the audience about his recent experiences at The Golden Globes. Bio: Paul Giamatti (1967-). Actor; portrayed “Pig Vomit” in “Howard Stern’s Private Parts” (1997); received a Golden Globe nomination this year for his performance in “Sideways” (2004). Transcript
Rice Confirmation HearingSummary: Sen. Barbara Boxer (Amy Poehler) calls Condoleeza Rice (Maya Rudolph) on her numerous lies. Recurring Characters: Condoleeza Rice, John Kerry. Transcript
GaystrogenSummary: The all-natural pill prevents middle-aged homosexuals from losing their gay sex drive. Note: Repeat from 03c.
Limo RideSummary: Golden Globes limo driver (Finesse Mitchell) mistakes Paul Giamatti for Rob Schneider.
KaitlinSummary: Kaitlin (Amy Poehler) wants to play the drums at her Uncle Chas’ (Paul Giamatti) music store. Recurring Characters: Kaitlin, Rick. Transcript
Ludacris featuring Sum-41 performs “Get Back”Bio: Ludacris (1977-). Hip hop artist; real name: Chris Bridges; also acted in Oscar-winning films “Hustle & Flow” (2005) and “Crash” (2005). Also Performed: 06f. Hosted: 06f. Cameos: 03r. Sum-41 First Performed: 01b.
Weekend Update with Tina Fey & Amy PoehlerSummary: Rachel Dratch reports on the winter blizzard in sub-zero weather. Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger (Darrell Hammond) comments on California’s first public execution in three years. Recurring Characters: Arnold Schwarzenegger. Transcript
Variety VaultSummary: A presentation of the unaired “Lundford Twins (Fred Armisen, Paul Giamatti) Feel Good Variety Hour” from the 70’s.
Reinhold InvestmentsSummary: Woeful office executive Andy (Will Forte) continually yells out, “Oh, no!” Recurring Characters: Andy.
Ludacris & Sum-41 perform “Number One Spot”
Spy GlassSummary: More British celebrity gossip, courtesy of Ian Gerrard (Seth Meyers) and Zoe Anderton (Amy Poehler). Recurring Characters: Ian Gerrard, Zoe Anderton, Gene Shalit. Transcript
Franklin the CatSummary: After a night out with a new suitor (Paul Giamatti), Phoebe (Rachel Dratch) brings introduces him to her giant cat, Franklin (Fred Armisen). Recurring Characters: Phoebe.
Dress Rehearsal Cuts Children’s PartySummary: Musicians (Horatio Sanz, Paul Giamatti) perform inappropiate songs at a children’s party.
Bear CitySummary: In a pinch, a bear uses the handicapped toilet, only to be confronted by a bear in a wheelchair. Note: This short film will air in the episode hosted by David Spade.
Bag BoysSummary: A bag boy (Seth Meyers) quits his job at the supermarket after winning the lottery.
Bear CitySummary: In high school, a boy bear’s friends embarrass him in front of a group of girl bears.
Rafael Alonzo’s I.T.F. Technical Computer InstituteSummary: Rafael Alonzo (Fred Armisen) teaches simple computer technology. Note: This sketch will later air in the episode hosted by Paris Hilton.
Surprise PartySummary: After being caught off guard by her surprise party, a woman (Maya Rudolph) is unable to speak.
Bear CitySummary: Frustration culminates when a bear tries to get cigarettes from a gas station. Note: This short film will air in the episode hosted by Paris Hilton.
SubwaySummary: Jared the Subway Guy (Paul Giamatti) announces his wife (Rachel Dratch) with free Subway coupons.
Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, it’s “Weekend Update,” with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler!
[cheers and applause]
Amy Poehler: Hello, Im Amy Poehler.
Tina Fey: Im Tina Fey, and here are tonights top stories:
Last night on 20/20, Barbara Walters interviewed President Bush and his wife at the White House on the eve of his second inauguration, and like all of her interviews, Walters did not shy away from the difficult questions.
Barbara Walters: Are you a cat person or a dog person?
Tina Fey: [laughing] Are you a cat person or a dog person!
Of course, with President Bush, the questions dont need to be difficult to seem difficult.
[more video]
Barbara Walters: What three words most describe your state of mind?
President George W. Bush: [pensive] Excited hopeful and appreciative.
Tina Fey: You know he wanted to say 9/11, but he couldnt figure out how many words that was.
Amy Poehler: Also this week, the press had a field day when Prince Harry attended a costume party wearing a Nazi uniform. The headline of Britains newspaper The Sun was Harry the Nazi, the New York Post headline was Royal Nazi, while the Aryan News went with Lookin Good!
Tina Fey: Now while news organizations around the world devoted hours to discussing the photo of Prince Harry and his Nazi costume, we here at Weekend Update have obtained a videotape of the event from a young woman in London who attended the party, named Alison Jackson. Now this is pretty damning stuff, but take a look.
Amy Poehler V/O: Oh boy. Oh!
Tina Fey V/O: What party is this?
Amy Poehler V/O: A really inappropriate costume party.
[Another man dressed as a Klan member shakes Harrys hand. His mask is removed, revealing himself to be Prince William]
Oh!
Tina Fey V/O: Prince William! Thats not gonna go over well.
[Prince Harry makes out with a woman dressed as Adolf Hitler, complete with mustache. The video ends]
Tina Fey: You know, kids are kids. What are you going to do?
Amy Poehler: You had some bad choices made at that party!
Tina Fey: Its like every party I ever went to.
[graphic of a torn up Brad Pitt/Jennifer Aniston photo] In entertainment news, if these two are tired of having sex with each other, what hope is there for the rest of us?
Back to you, Freak Show.
Amy Poehler: On a similar note, I dont know if you had anything to do with this, but you better watch yourself, Angelina Jolie, OK? Cause you are too sexy to be trusted. Youre a black widow spider, Jolie. OK? Stay away from me and my husbands.
Tina Fey: H- husbands? Plural?
Amy Poehler: Yeah. And dont think youre gonna come here, Jolie, with your long legs and your Mohawk baby, and try to steal my fake news Update TV wife, cause I will cut you. I will stab you in one of your very sexy tattoos. So watch it.
Tina Fey: Thank you, I feel loved.
Amy Poehler: Yeah! [applause]
Tina Fey: Thank you. Yeah, watch out, Angelina.
Amy Poehler: Watch out!
Tina Fey: This week, Mr. Blackwell released his annual Worst Dressed List. It features Nicolette Sheridan, Lindsay Lohan, Jessica Simpson, and several other women Mr. Blackwell would like to be.
Amy Poehler: This week, the nations top food manufacturers announced they will start trying to appeal to parents worried about their childrens weight. Some of the new items include Hersheys Syrup enriched with calcium, reduced-sugar Cocoa Puffs, and exercise-flavored pizza.
Tina Fey: Homeland Security director Tom Ridge announced this week a new program at JFK Airport that would use high-tech eye scanners to speed pre-registered passengers through security and customs checkpoints. Passengers will place their eye on the scanner, and then wait for an automated voice to say, Yo, look straight ahead. How you expect me to see yo nasty-lookin eyeball if you dont look straight ahead? You deaf o somethin, dang!
Amy Poehler: Boy!
A German brothel owner has announced that shes donating part of her earnings from clients to the tsunami relief efforts. Its in keeping with her philosophy, Think global, screw local.
Tina Fey: It was reported that the New York Knicks have won all twelve of the home games attended by magician David Blaine. A spokesman for the Knicks said, If this is what it takes to win, its not worth it. [some applause]
Laura Howard, a Connecticut woman who was artificially inseminated with the wrong semen, gave birth this week to a beautiful, healthy litter of cocker spaniels.
Cute!
Amy Poehler: Very adorable, adorable children.
A new state-of-the-art body-mapping system called BodyMetrics is being used to help designers create the perfect-fitting pair of jeans. Theyre called sweatpants.
According to a new poll, 68% of frequent fliers do not want the federal government to lift the ban on in-flight cell phone use. The other 32% said, [mimics talking on a phone] Ha ha, what? Ha ha ha, hilarious I know, I know, hold on. [to the camera] What??
Tina Fey: In honor of Martin Luther King Day, we at Weekend Update are recognizing positive role models in the African-American community, so please welcome Cliff and Clair Huxtable.
[pan to Cliff and Clair; applause]
Clair Huxtable: Good evening, Tina. Good evening Amy Poehler.
Cliff Huxtable: Why am I not napping?
Clair Huxtable: Let me begin by saying it is isit is a distinct pleasure for Cliff and I to be here tonight.
Tina Fey: Well its, uh, its a pleasure for us to have you. You two are such an inspiration. Youve raised a beautiful and well-adjusted family.
Clair Huxtable: Yes. Well, you know theres Rudy and Vanessa, Theo, Denise, and my eldest daughter Sondra
Cliff Huxtable: Well no wonder Im tired! We got so many children, we should be living in a shoe.
Clair Huxtable: Well, Sondra and Elvin had the twins, Woody and Nelson, but they moved out, unlike Denise and Martin, who came back from Africa with the sweet little Olivia and moved right back in.
Cliff Huxtable: Did any of these people ever pay rent? You know, the thing where you give money for the food, and the lodgings, and the turning-on of the heat, and the lights.
Clair Huxtable: Oh, Cliff! [pats Cliff on the arm]
Tina Fey: Now, what do you think are the most important values you passed on to your children?
Clair Huxtable: Well, Cliff and I have always taught our children[Cliff bends down to adjust his chair] You all right, Cliff?
Cliff Huxtable: Yeah, Im sorry. Pardon me.
Clair Huxtable: [smiling] Weve always taught our children to have a kind heart, and a strong, strong mind. Isnt that right?
Cliff Huxtable: Maybe we shouldve taught them how to pay their own rent! With the putting the pen to the checkbook, and the writing of the numerals, and the zeroes. [Cliff groans. Clair pats him on the shoulder again. Some applause]
Tina Fey: How do you two manage to juggle family along with your stressful careers?
Clair Huxtable: Well as you know, Cliff is an obstetrician, and I, Clair Huxtable, am an attorney at law. A partner, no less. It wasnt always a walk in the park.
Amy Poehler: I bet, I bet. Was there ever a moment when you thought you couldnt do it all?
Clair Huxtable: Let me tell you something, Mrs. Amy Poehler. Dont you ever, ever—
Cliff Huxtable: Uh oh, there she goes!
Clair Huxtable: EVER, tell a woman who and what she can and cannot be, [speaks more rapidly] because a woman is a powerful creature who can be whatever, whenever, and whomever she pleases, whether it is a doctor, a lawyer, an astronaut, a butcher, a baker, a candlestick maker, even the President of these United States!
Cliff Huxtable: Tina, could you just reach back there and pop out her batteries?
Clair Huxtable: So, Miss Amy Poehler, you are goin to march your little backside right up those stairs, and I dont wanna see your sad, sorry little face, until youve thought long and hard about what youve done.
Amy Poehler: Mar- what stairs?
Clair Huxtable: And, I celebrate you, Miss Elizabeth Stamatina Fey, a proud, African-American woman who has proven that young, white males arent the only ones who can deliver the funny news, and deliver it well.
Tina Fey: Oh thanks?
Clair Huxtable: [looks longingly at Cliff] Now come on, Cliff I need some help in the kitchen stirring the jambalaya.
Cliff Huxtable: Oh, I like the stirring of the hot and spicy jambalaya! And licking of the spoon, [kisses Clair on the hand] and the kissing of the neck, [stands and kisses Clair] and the rubbing of the feet. [kisses Clair on the hand again. Salsa music begins to play]
Tina Fey: Oh, the Huxtables, everybody!
Amy Poehler: For Weekend Update, Im Amy Poehler.
Tina Fey: Im Tina Fey. Good night and have a pleasant tomorrow.
[Applause. The Huxtables dance while Amy and Tina move in their seats. Fade]
[ open on stock footage of 18-wheelers rolling down the interstate, as Title Logo appears ]
Announcer: It’s time for “Trucker Talk”, the sage words of the country’s last true cowboy: the American trucker.
[ interchange between truckers as they speak into their CB radios ]
Leadfoot Cowboy: Breaker 1-9, for a radio check.
Stink Finger: This is Stink Finger. You’re comin’ in loud and clear! Who am I talkin’ to?
Leadfoot Cowboy: You got the Leadfoot Cowboy on the line. I’m at the mouth of the Cumberland Pass, lookin’ for 1013. Over.
Stink Finger: Can’t help you with your weather. I’m on your back door, at Mile Marker 2-2-9.
Whiskey Dick: Hey there, Cowboy — Whiskey Dick here. I just blew through there about an hour ago, and you got a bad batch of weather comin’ your way.
Leadfoot Cowboy: Hoo! That’s more bad news I didn’t need to hear.
Whiskey Dick: You’re runnin’ late with your load?
Leadfoot Cowboy: No. Ain’t that.
Whiskey Dick (on radio): What’s the matter, friend?
Leadfoot Cowboy: Ahh, it’s just this, uh — [ shakes his head ] It’s this Brad and Jennifer thing.
Whiskey Dick: [ shakes his head ] That’s a big 10-4. I can’t BELIEVE they broke up! I thought they were gonna make it.
Stink Finger: Negative copy! Come on back! Did I hear you right?!
Leadfoot Cowboy: Where you been, partner? It’s true! Brad and Jennifer broke up!
Stink Finger: Nooo!! I knew they was havin’ problems, but I thought they went down to the Carribbean to works things out?! Hell, I even saw ’em kissin’ on the beach!
Leadfoot Cowboy: Turns out… that was just a goodbye kiss, Stink Finger.
Stink Finger: Awww, that really scrapes my ass! They was GREAT together!
Leadfoot Cowboy: Yeah, I thought they had the goods, too.
Whiskey Dick: I’ll tell you one thing: I like them as individuals, as well as a couple.
[ skeeter pops his head out of the bed of Whiskey Dick’s cab ]
Skeeter: Sons of bitches!! If dey can’t make it… what chance do da rest of us have?
Whiskey Dick: My buddy Skeeter’s right — what hope DO the rest of us have?
Stink Finger: Any word on WHY they split up?!
Leadfoot Cowboy: I heard she broke up with him after she saw “Troy”. [ cackles with glee ]
Whiskey Dick: Who the HELL said that?! This isn’t a jokin’ matter! Brad and Jennifer have broken up! For REAL!!
Leadfoot Cowboy: I’m sorry. I giess I’m just tryin’ to mask the pain.
Whiskey Dick: Ah, I shouldn’t have snapped at ya’. We’re all hurtin’. [ holding back the tears ] Oh, damn… I’m gonna cry!
[ Skeeter passes Kleenex to Whiskey Dick ]
Leadfoot Cowboy: I heard Angelina Jolie had something to do with that break-up, too.
Whiskey Dick: Well, don’t that take the cake? I’d like to break that boy in HALF, if he cheated on her!
Leadfoot Cowboy: I don’t get how he could ever get tired of swappin’ spit with that little honey.
Stink Finger: [ excited ] Did you see him in “Thlema & Louise”? He was shirtless and wearin’ a cowboy hat!
[ cut to each of the other three truckers, as they share a look of bewilderment ]
Leadfoot Cowboy: Come back. I was talkin’ about Jennifer.
Stink Finger: [ shrugs ] She’s pretty cute.
Leadfoot Cowboy: It’s gonna be rough for them two. Papparazzi’s gonna be all over ’em.
Whiskey Dick: It was hard enough breakin’ up… let alone doin’ it in front of the whole world.
Stink Finger: I still can’t believe he broke her heart by CHEATIN’!
Leadfoot Cowboy: She broke his heart by not wantin’ KIDS!!
Whiskey Dick: We may never know what happened!
Skeeter: This is a quand-a-ry for tha’ ag-es!
Fast Lane (on radio): I’ve been listening to your conversation… and I just want to say: you don’t even know these people! You’ve never met them!
Stink Finger: Who the HELL said THAT?!
[ cut to Fast Lane sitting in his basement ]
Fast Lane: This is Fast Lane, blasting out from my HOME BASE!
Leadfoot Cowboy: Well, boy! You shouldn’t interrupt TRUCKERS when they’re talkin’ serious TRUCKIN’ business!
Fast Lane: You’re gossiping about people you don’t even KNOW! You’re as bad as the papparazzi!
Whiskey Dick: You got a valid point, Fast Lane. Hmm. [ soft piano music plays ] We complain about how much the press invades these people’s life… yet we still want to know what went wrong in their relationship. Maybe it’s us. We put too much pressure on them. You’ve taught us a lesson. What’s your 20, good buddy?
Fast Lane: I’m at 2211 Dunbar Lane, in Wheeling, West Virginia.
Whiskey Dick: Did you boys get that address?
Leadfoot Cowboy: [ smiling ] That’s a copy!
Stink Finger: [ eagerly ] Roger that!
[ cut to prop footage of three 18-wheelers coming from three different directions to ram into a suburban house and burst it into flames ]
Announcer: Next week… on “Trucker Talk”:
Stink Finger: [ into his CB radio ] Did you hear that Federline won’t let Britney buy no more clothes?
Voice on Radio: Nooooo!!
Stink Finger: No, it’s TRUE!!
[ cut to approaching 18-wheeler, as Title Logo appears ]
Announcer: [ over animated titles ] The CBS Evening Fraudulent Document Update, with Dan Rather.
[ dissolve to Dan Rather ]
Dan Rather: Good evening. This is the CBS Evening Fraudulent Document Update, Dan Rather reporting. Earlier this week, CBS News announced the results of an internal investigation, lasting several months, and of the use of possibly forged documents in a September “60 Minutes II” segment concerning President George W. Bush’s Vietnam-era service in the Texas Air National Guard.
Tonight, on the heels of that report, there are some startling new developments. To begin with: although the authenticity of the documents themselves remain in question, it now appears, that my subsequent on-air apology for that segment, purportedly written by me… was itself… almost certainly… a fraudulent document. Or, at the very least, insincere. In the opinion of experts, who have examined the actual script of the apology, it was typed on a Dell computer, using WordPerfect, and, therefore, could not have come from my iBook, which uses Microsoft Word. In addition, the same experts have pointed out that phrases such as “I accept full responsibility”, “I deeply regret the error”… simply do not sound like me.
In addition, statements which I made in the same broadcast, concerning the enormous popularity of the CBS Evening News with Dan Rather, may be factually incorrect, as they were based on Nielsen Ratings, which also appear to be fraudulent. It now seems that the CBS News with Dan Rather is not the highest-rated news show on television, and, in fact, regularly finishes behind such programs as “Today in the Ukraine” and “Noticero Telemundo”. While learning this, I don’t mind telling you that I felt as embarrassed as a Vienna Boys Choir soprano at a five-dollar cathouse. And, buddy, that is embarrassed.
And… there’s more. According to investigators, certain details of my official biography, as prepared by the CBS Press Department, now also appear to be inaccurate. I am not, as the press bio states, a native of Texas. Apparently, my birth certificate, upon which I and CBS base this claim, can no longer be considered authentic. We still don’t know for certain, but, at this point, it appears that I was born, raised, and finished high school in Fairlawn, New Jersey, and that my REAL name… is Joel Howard Pincus. If that is the case — AND, at this moment, it appears to be — there is apparently no legitimate reason for me to talk the way I do.
What’s more, despite what my press bio claims, I have never officially been named World’s Greatest Dad. That award, which I thought I won in 1978, now appears to have been a coax, concocted by members of my family. The newspaper that reported the story — The Anytown Daily Bugle — was apparently produced in a joke shop. And the cash prize, which accompanied the award, according to experts, is Monopoly money.
Finally, and on a personal level, most painfully, just hours ago it was made apparent to me that I am not, as I have long believed myself to be, a licensed bikini inspector. As experts have shown, the official bikini inspector license, upon which I base this assertion, is a forgery, and, indeed, no such medical specialty exists. Earlier today, upon first learning this information, I immediately surrendered this document to the proper authorities, and, suffice it to say, the [ makes quotes signs with his fingers ] “friend” who issued me the license, is no longer a friend. [ reveal photo of Andy Rooney ] To the hundreds and hundreds of women I may have wronged, albeit with the best of intentions, I can now only offer my most sincere and heartfelt apologies. I… an deeply… sorry.
For the CBS Evening Fraudulent Document Update… Dan Rather. Good night.
Topher Grace…..Topher Grace Male Audience Member #1…..John Lutz Male Audience Member #2…..Jason Sudeikis Terrell…..J.B. Smoove Terrell’s Wife…..Paula Pell Female Audience Member…..Liz Cackowski
Topher Grace: Thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you, I’m totally psyched to be here at Saturday Night Live. This is kinda like the original ‘That 70s Show’ and I’m just really excited to be hosting. Um, unless this is like just some really elaborate set-up to getting me Punk’d. In which case I wanna say, I knew it, Ashton! Okay? I totally saw it coming so I’m with it, all right? [looks around] No? I’m not getting Punk’d? I’m actually… hosting Saturday Night Live? Okay, awesome. Uh, you know, something I like to do on my show is take questions from the audience so if anyone… Yeah, yes sir? [points to Male Audience Member #1]
Male Audience Member #1: [stands up] Hello Topher, uh, no question, I just want to say that I for one am very excited that you’re hosting tonight instead of Jennifer Garner.
Topher Grace: Oh, yeah, thank you. Um, some of you may know Jennifer Garner was originally supposed to host the show tonight but she couldn’t do it because she hurt her back doing a stunt.
Male Audience Member #1: That’s not what I heard. I read on the internet that Ben Affleck gave her syphilis.
Topher Grace: No, no no no no, no. Uh, that’s- I don’t know where you read that but I’m sure that’s not true.
Male Audience Member #1: I don’t know, read it on the internet.
Topher Grace: Well… not everything you read on the internet is true.
Male Audience Member #1: [laughs] You better hope not, there’s some gross rumors about you on there.
Topher Grace: Where?
Male Audience Member: On my website.
Topher Grace: …Okay, another question? [points to a man in the audience] Yes?
Male Audience Member #2: Yeah, hey buddy, how ya livin’? Hey look, I gotta question, what’s the deal with your name?
Topher Grace: Oh, yeah, uh, I get this a lot. Topher is short for Christopher. Kinda the same way Chris is.
Male Audience Member #2: Yeah, but what? You think you’re too classy to be called Chris?
Topher Grace: No, just- you know, Topher’s just another variation on Chris.
Male Audience Member #2: Uh huh, yeah yeah yeah, like a classier variation?
Topher Grace: Look, it suits me better. Certain names fit certain people. Like, hey, what’s your name?
Male Audience Member #2: My name’s Chris.
Topher Grace: …And… that suits you.
Male Audience Member #2: Okay, so you’re saying that I can name my kid Matthew, and call him Thew. Right? I can do that, I can do that and expect people not to kick the crap out of him?
Topher Grace: I guess so, yeah. Okay, any other questions?
Terrell: Yeah, I have a question. Where is Jennifer Garner at?
Terrell’s Wife: Terrell, come on.
Terrell: Woman..
Topher Grace: Man, I already answered that. Did you get here late or something?
Terrell: Why? You think I showed up late because I’m black? You think I’m on colored people time?
Topher Grace: [offended] Oh my God, no I didn’t, no, I didn’t say anything like that.
Terrell: You are a racist! For your information, I missed the beginning of the speech because I had to go out in the hall and smoke a little weed… and buy myself a grape soda, you racist!
Terrell’s Wife: Terrell, calm down!
Terrell: Woman, bring it on! Come on! [they both leave] Bring it!
Topher Grace: Okay, I am being Punk’d, right? Could I just go out with one normal question? Yes? [points to Female Audience Member]
Female Audience Member: I have a question, uh, I was wondering… could you tell me how the Jets missed two Field Goals in a row?!?!
Topher Grace: You know what? I don’t know. But I’ll tell you what, we’re gonna help you take your minds off of it by having a great show. The Killers are here! So stick around and we’re coming right back!
[ open on exterior, ambulance pulling up to hospital emergency entrance ]
[ dissolve to interior, staff lounge, as Wilmore enters with coffee for himself and Kendall, then sits down. At the same time, a pair of white paramedics return from a call. ]
Kendall: Hey, how’d it go?
Male Paramedic: It was a bad one. An old woman’s dog knocked over a space heater and burned the house down.
Female Paramedic: Yeah. The woman got out, but she tweisted her ankle. Luckily, she’s gonna be okay.
Male Paramedic: Yeah.
[ emergency alarm beeps, as Ricky enters with clipboard ]
Ricky: Okay. We’ve got a car accident at Broadway and Cullen. They need paramedics on the scene. Wilmore.. Kendall.. you guys are up.
Wilmore: You gonna make us go?
Ricky: Uh, yeah.. it’s your turn.
Kendall: He must not know what day it is.
Wilmore: He can’t know!
Ricky: [ confused ] What day is it?
Kendall: I told you he ain’t know! They never know!
Ricky: [ still confused ] What are you guys talking about?
Kendall: Well, Ricky, for your information, it’s Martin Luther King Day.
Wilmore: [ jubilant ] Martin Luther King Day! [ they toast their coffee mugs ]
Ricky: Uh, guys.. we’ve got accident victims who need help.
Kendall: And you got two people sitting right there, and it ain’t their day. It’s our day!
Wilmore: Martin Luther King Day.
Female Paramedic: We just got back from the run. It’s your turn.
Kendall: [ outraged ] For all the holidays you people get, you would make us work on our only holiday?
Male Paramedic: [ amused ] Yeah, but you get off on the same holidays we get off.
Wilmore: B-but they’re not for us, okay? All we got is Martin Luther King Day!
Kendall: Unless.. you got something against Martin Luther King?
[ they perk their ears and ask, “What? What? What?” as the white paramedics give in to their nonsense ]
Female Paramedic: Fine. Then, we’ll take it.
[ white paramedics exit ]
Ricky: Look. You guys are usually my best paramedics. You know I respect my heritage?
Kendall: Me, either. But, today of all days, when we commemorate the day when the LAPD pulled Martin Luther King out of his car, and beat him with those nightsticks — [ starts to cry ]
Ricky: Okay, you guys are talking about Rodney King.
Wilmore: He’s right.
Wilmore: Well, don’t be telling me about my people!
Kendall: Ooh, he’s right.
Ricky: O-kay.. I’m just going back to my office. [ retreats back to his office ]
Wilmore: Yeah, you do that, Ricky!
Kendall: Peace, Ricky!
[ Logan and Martinez enter ]
Wilmore: Hey, how’d it go?
Martinez: Oh, not too bad. Nothing serious. Some knuckleheads.
Logan: Yeah, a male Caucasian, 40, broke his leg playing basketball.
Kendall: White people playing basketball.
Wilmore: I’m alright, on Martin Luther King Day.
[ emergency alarm beeps, as Ricky enters with clipboard ]
Ricky: Okay, you guys, I’ve got a call. A guy fell off a ladder and broke his arm. [ Wilmore and Kendall don’t move an inch ] Uh.. Martinez and Logan, I need you on this one.
Logan: [ whining ] But it’s their turn!
Wilmore: Any other day, you would be correct. But not today. Martin Luther King Day! [ toasts his coffee mug with Kendall’s ]
Martinez: They’re right. I shouldn’t have to work on Martin Luther King Day, either.
Ricky: Can I ask why, Martinez?
Martinez: No, you may not. It’s a black thing. You wouldn’t understand. [ holds up his hand for a high-five from Wilmore and Kendall, but doesn’t receive one ] Okay, we’ll go. [ he and Logan stand ] But I’m not working on Cesar Chavez Day.
Ricky: Whatever.
Martinez: ‘Cause that guy.. was a good boxer.. and I’m not working on his birthday. [ he and Logan exit ]
Ricky: Look.. guys.. why’d you even come in today?
Kendall: ‘Cause we’re dedicated professionals.
Wilmore: Plus, we get time-and-a-half off on the holiday!
Kendall: That’s right! [ they laugh ]
Ricky: Okay, do you guys even know anything about this holiday?
Wilmore: I know one thing about Martin Luther King Day – you trying to make us work!
Ricky: Do you know anything about black history? Booker T. Washington? Rosa Parks? Frederick Douglas?
Kendall: Whoa-oa! I know Frederick Douglas! He was a high school in Atlanta! I went there about five years, I know —
[ emergency alarm beeps, as Male Paramedic #2 enters with a note for Ricky ]
Ricky: Okay, uh.. look.. you guys, there’s no one else here. I hate to do this to you on.. Martin Luther King Day – a day which you.. seem to know nothing about. But the catwalk collapsed at a fashion show, and some models have been injured.
Kendall: [ interested ] Uh, wait a minute. Male or female?
Ricky: Uh.. female. They’re plus-sized models.
[ Wilmore and Kendall hurriedly rush off to save the day ]
Air Date:
