For Die Hard Saturday Night Live Fans
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 30: Episode 9
04i: Topher Grace / The Killers
Goodnights
…..Topher Grace
Topher Grace: Okay, I want to thank The Killers, Lorne Michaels, the best writers and cast and crew on TV! And the best writers on “Saturday Night Live” of all time – Bonnie and Terry Turner! Thank you, and good night!
[ The Killers circle Grace for a group hug ]
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 30: Episode 9
04i: Topher Grace / The Killers
The Not So Incredible Adventures of the Down and Out Dollar
American Dollar…..Amy Poehler
Euro…..Topher Grace
British Pound…..Seth Meyers
Mexican Peso…..Horatio Sanz
Japanese Yen…..Maya Rudolph
Canadian Loonie…..Will Forte
[ opens on a sign which reads The Not So Incredible Adventures of the Down and Out Dollar]
Don Pardo: And now the Not Incredible Adventures of the Down and Out Dollar.
[pans to American Dollar entering a street scene]
American Dollar: [ in a sad voice ] Oh, boy oh boy. [ kicks a can away ] What a year, it sure does stink being a US dollar. Here it is, 2005, and I’m at an all-time low. I used to be on top of the world, now look at me- good for nothing. Who wants a measly old dollar?
[ Euro enters ]
Euro: [ in a happy French accent ] Dollar? Is that you?
American Dollar: Oh. Hey Euro.
Euro: Oh my goodness Dollar, you look awful!
American Dollar: Oh jeez, here we go again.
Euro: Look at me, look at all my wonderful colors, aren’t they supercool? You like my hologram? Look at it this way, now look how it changes!
American Dollar: Oh boy it sure is nice. I wish I had a hologram.
Euro: Hey Dollar, do you want to hear a joke? Knock, knock.
American Dollar: Oh, who’s there?
Euro: Germany. And France. And Greece. And Italy. And Denmark. And Luxembourg. And Belgium. They’re all stronger then you, hahaha ha! Is that not funny?
American Dollar: Oh come on Euro! That ain’t a joke. Gimme a break.
[ British Pound enters ]
British Pound: [ With a British accent ] Why Euro old boy, is that you?
Euro: Mon dieu, Pound Note, I was just talking to our old friend the Dollar here.
British Pound: Oh, I almost didn’t see you there Dollar [ hits Dollar with his cane ] you’ve shrunk so much.
American Dollar: Alright, you guys, leave me alone would ya?
British Pound: Say Dollar, I have a proposition for you. I want you to punch me as hard as you can.
American Dollar: Aw, I don’t wanna.
British Pound: Oh, come on, have at it.
Euro: Huhhuhhuh, this will be good! Hahaha!
American Dollar: Oh boy. [ punches British Pound ] There. You happy?
British Pound: That was terrific fun! Dollar’s still weak, everyone! Huzzah! Oh look, here comes my friend the Peso.
[Mexican Peso enters ]
Mexican Peso: Yeaaaah! And who’s this guy? [ to American Dollar> ] Oh man, I never thought I’d see the day when the currency made the peso look good!
[ British Pound, Mexican Peso and Euro all laugh ]
American Dollar: All right all right, that’s enough!
Mexican Peso: I mean, I’m a friggin’ peso for God’s sakes!
[ British Pound, Euro and Mexican Peso all laugh again ]
American Dollar: Boy oh boy, I feel like a real dope.
Mexican Peso: Hey dollar, you want to buy some chiclets? Just get you and fifty of your friends!
[ British Pound, Euro and Mexican Peso all laugh again ]
American Dollar: Oh, that really smarts, you know.
[ Japanese Yen enters ]
Japanese Yen: [ With a Japanese accent ] Hello, Dollar-san.
American Dollar: Oh hey there, Yen. You’re not gonna razz me too, are ya?
Japanese Yen: When I go to New York, I buy a very big Louis Vuitton suitcase for price of one Big Mac [ holds up one finger ] in Tokyo.
[ All but American Dollar laugh ]
American Dollar: All right, take it easy.
Japanese Yen: Dollar is very bad! [ laughs again ]
American Dollar: Aw, come on, why do you guys have to give me the business?
Euro: Oh, don’t you know Dollar? Don’t you remember years ago, when you treated us like dog feces?
British Pound: I remember it like it was yesterday.
American Dollar: Oh boy!
[ Flashback ]
[ British Pound, Euro, Japanese Yen and Mexican Peso are in a line in the background, American Dollar is holding a cigar ]
American Dollar: [ while waving around hands ] Here’s how it’s gonna go see! The Dollar’s king, gonna be king forever. Anyone who says otherwise gets a knuckle sandwich. Understood?
[ Others all nod and murmur accpetances in their languages ]
American Dollar: In English!
Others: Yes.
American Dollar: Ha! Ha! Haha!
[ End Flashback ]
American Dollar: Oh boy, oh boy, that was along time ago. Why d’ya have to bring that up? Just leave me be.
Euro: He’s right, let’s go. Hey, let’s go shopping!
British Pound: What should we buy?
Mexican Peso: Hey, let’s buy the Empire State Building!
[ All but American Dollar cheer and laugh while exiting ]
American Dollar: Oh boy. [ British Pound hits American Dollar with his cane ] Hey! [ hits again ] Aw! [ hits again ] Give me a break! There they go, aw nuts. Boy oh boy.
[ sings ]
“The economy’s giving me a hell of a time,
Nowadays a dollar bill just ain’t worth a dime!
So smoke em if you got em,
It’s lonely at the bottom
When you’re a U.S. Dollar bill.”
[ Canadian Loonie enters ]
American Dollar: Looks like it’s just you and me, Canadian Loonie.
[ Canadian Loonie jumps around making strange noises while American Dollar shrugs ]
Don Pardo: This has been The Not Incredible Adventures of the Down and Out Dollar.
Submitted by: Kristin Fraumeni
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 30: Episode 9
04i: Topher Grace / The Killers
White House Press Conference
voiceover….Chis Parnell
Fredrick Whitfield….Maya Rudolph
President Bush….Will Forte
Bill Clinton….Darrell Hammond
George Bush, Sr…..Fred Armisen
Reporter #1….Amy Poehler
Reporter #2….Seth Meyers
Reporter #3….Finesse Mitchell
Reporter #4….Rachel Dratch
[CNN logo and theme]
Voiceover: Bad stuff happens, CNN is there. Coincidence?
Fredricka Whitfield: Good afternoon, I’m Fredricka Whitfield. We have received word that President Bush is about to give another press conference with former President Clinton and his father, former President Bush. We now take you live to the White House.
President George W. Bush: Good afternoon and thanks for comin’ out. And I wanna thank these two distinguished Americans for being here with me today.
Bill Clinton: Well, I’m always happy to be in front of reporters, George.
[cut to reporters laughing]
George Bush, Sr.: Wouldn’t miss it for the world.
President George W. Bush: Already these gentlemen have helped raise millions of dollars in the world wide tsunami relief effort, and I am pleased to announce that their efforts will be expanded to include the victims of the California mud slides, in what we are now calling “the war on weather.” Our hearts go out to all the muslim countries and blue states, that are currently suffering the wrath of God with these crazy Bible times floods. I will now reluctantly take your questions.
[reporters raise their hands and say “Mr. President”]
President George W. Bush: Yes, Margaret?
Reporter #1: Mr. President, what do you say to critics who claim you were slow to respond with aid to the tsunami victims?
President George W. Bush: Well, you know, I’ll tell you, Margaret. I was right out there, you know. I came forward in a matter of days and pledged a couple hundred bucks. You know, some people said that wasn’t enough. But people don’t understand, that was just an initial response. You know, that was before I understood what a tsunami was. I’m from Texas, we don’t have tsunamis. You know, someone tells me a big wave hit, I think a couple hundred bucks oughta cover it.
Bill Clinton: I think what President Bush is saying is that the United States will continue to adjust our contributions to South East Asia as the rebuilding continues, for the need is great and their friendship is important to us.
President George W. Bush: Yeah.
[reporters raise their hands and say “Mr. President”]
Reporter #2: Mr. President, do you consider American tsunami relief efforts an opportunity to restore good will among muslims?
President George W. Bush: I hope so, Tom. You know, I hope these people see what we’re doing and realize that America’s heart is a giant. You know, it’s our- it’s our most gigantic part. And it’s coming to get them.
Bill Clinton: I think what the President is saying, Tom, is that we’re gonna help these people because they need help. And if that improves our image in the world then that is a wonderful bi product.
President George W. Bush: What he said, you know, it’s, uh…
[reporters raise their hands and say “Mr. President”]
Reporter #1: Mr. President, follow-up. Do you have any plans to visit South East Asia in the near future?
President George W. Bush: Margaret, it’s a timing thing. You know, the area is- is real dangerous right now. And, from what I understand, it stinks real bad.
George Bush, Sr.: George–
Bill Clinton: [interrupts] Margaret, I agree with the President that at this time, it would not be appropriate to go.
George Bush, Sr.: We don’t wanna–
Bill Clinton: [interrupts] You know, when I was the President we had terrible floods in the Mississippi River valley, and what I learned is that sometimes it’s more important to let the relief workers do the good work that they do, unincombered.
George Bush, Sr.: And I agree that–
Bill Clinton: [interrupts] But, but I hope and I believe that sometime in the near future we’ll be able to visit Indonesia and Thailand, and see the fruits of our labors and stand together as a world community, proud of what we have done.
President George W. Bush: Dito on that.
[reporters raise their hands and say “Mr. President”]
Reporter #3: Mr. President, what do you make of reports that al Qaeda operatives may pose as relief workers inside Indonesia and try to spark anti-American violence?
President George W. Bush: Well, Lamar, you know… this is the first I’m hearing of it, but the first response is it’s creepy. It gives me the creeps, I don’t like it, you know. But that’s what we’re up against here, a bunch of creeps, you know. That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you!
Bill Clinton: Lamar, when I was the President of the United States I put U.S. troops on the ground in Somalia in spite of the extreme risk, because the people there needed our help. And I think that’s what we’ll continue to do because that is our role in the world.
President George W. Bush: It’s our role, Lamar! … in the world. It’s, uh… hard work.
[reporters raise their hands and say “Mr. President”]
Reporter #4: Mr. President, on Wednesday the search for weapons of mass destruction was called off in Iraq. Does your administration finally admit defeat on this issue?
President George W. Bush: Well, Sharon, we’ve been through this like a hundred times, alright. Just because there were no weapons of mass destruction found, doesn’t mean that this administration did not know that they weren’t there or will not continue to be not there in the future. We just don’t know. Heck, we could have been lying about them the whole time and then somebody would have found somthing, and we would have looked like geniuses! But we don’t, that’s not our style. You know, I mean, uh… Bill, you wanna get in on this?
Bill Clinton: Well, first of all let me say – hello, Sharon. It’s nice to see you again. You’ve changed your hair, and I think the color really does light up your face.
[cut to Sharon looking spellbound]
Bill Clinton: But… what I think the President is trying to say is that our reasons for being into Iraq were maniple.
President George W. Bush: Yeah!
Bill Clinton: And now that we’re there we need to focus positive attention on getting our troops home safe.
President George W. Bush: Well, I know that!
Bill Clinton: And in assisting the Iraqi people in determining their own fate through democratic elections.
President George W. Bush: That’s what I’ve been sayin’! I’ve been sayin’ that for months!
George Bush, Sr.: They like it better when he says it. [indicates Clinton]
Bill Clinton: And if I may be so bold, I can think of a couple of other things the President might like to say.
President George W. Bush: Yeah, get on it, be bold.
Bill Clinton: For instance, we welcome Palestinian leader Mahmoud Abbas to the stage and hope he’ll be a force for peace in the Middle East.
President George W. Bush: Yeah, yeah.
Bill Clinton: Also, Monday is Martin Luther King Day.
President George W. Bush: Oh.
[pause]
Bill Clinton: … And we take pride in the amazing progress we have made together as a country.
President George W. Bush: Yeah, yeah, I wanna say that.
Bill Clinton: And finally, to our friends in the Ukraine – live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.
Submitted by: Maria Hartman
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 30: Episode 9
04i: Topher Grace / The Killers
Artsy Apartment
Pam…..Rachel Dratch
Brian…..Topher Grace
Nuni Schoener…..Fred Armisen
Nuni Schoener…..Maya Rudolph
Tato…..Chris Parnell
[open on Brian and Pam outside of apartment door]
Pam: So, what do these people do, again?
Brian: Okay, they’re art dealers, and they are no different than you or me. They hired me to make a website for their gallery. [rings doorbell]
[Mr. Schoener opens door]
Mr. Schoener: [with strange accent] Brian! You’re right on time! Come in, please!
[they enter the apartment]
Brian: Hey, thanks for having us over, Mr. Schoener.
Mr. Schoener: [chuckles] It’s Nuni, okay? You must meet my new wife. [calling to her] Darling, they’re here!
Mrs. Schoener: [emerging from apartment interior] Oh! Welcome! Ah, look at you both!
Brian: Hello.
Mr. Schoener: This is my wife, Nuni.
Brian: Oh, that’s funny; you guys both have the same first name: Nuni.
Mr. Schoener: No, no, no, no. I am Nuni; she is Nuni.
Brian: I see. Nuni and Nuni.
Mrs. Schoener: No, no. Nuni; I am Nuni.
Brian: Nuni.
Mrs. Schoener: No, no, Nuni. You must use the back of your tongue, come.
[Mr. and Mrs. Schoener grasp Brian’s cheecks and chin while all three say “Nuni” repeatedly]
Mrs. Schoener: No, no, Nuni is masculine, and Nuni is feminine. Nuni.
Brian: Nuni.
Mrs. Schoener: No, no, Nuni.
Brian: Nuni.
Pam: Honey, I think she’s Nuni, and he’s Nuni.
Mrs. Schoener: Yes, exactly! Anyfoofoo, why don’t we all have a seat please?
[Mrs. Schoener leads them to an area where five pieces are arrayed: a hemispherical table, a white inclined divan, a red sphere, a white pyramid, and a stylistic metal chair that faces away from the other pieces. Mr. Schoener sits on the divan, placing his feet in stirrups. Mrs. Schoener sits on the sphere. Pam sits in the metal chair. Brian looks around confusedly]
Brian: Um, I guess I should just stand?
Mrs. Schoener: No, no, that one is for you.
Brian: What, the pyramid?
Mr. Schoener: Yes!
[Brian begins to attempt to sit on the pyramid]
Mrs. Schoener: No, no! Not on it; against it! That is a leaning post!
Mr. Schoener: [chuckles] You sit on that, and it will ruin your ass!
Brian: [begins to lean against the pyramid and slides to the floor before standing up again] I’m just gonna…
Pam: Um, does this seat swivel so I can face you guys?
Mr. Schoener: [laughs] Why would the chair turn? It’s a 1950s Adler!
Mrs. Schoener: Brian, what is your woman’s name?
Brian: Oh, God, I can’t believe I did that. I’m such an idiot. I’m sorry. This is my girlfriend, Pam.
Mr. Schoener: Bam.
Brian: No, Pam.
Mrs. Schoener: Bar.
Brian: It’s Pam.
Mrs. Schoener: Bor.
Brian: No, Pam. [elongates word]
Mr. Schoener: Bam. Bam. [elongates word] We’re not saying this?
Pam: No, you’re saying “Bam,” and it’s “Pam.” You know, short for Pamela?
Mrs. Schoener: Baronen.
Brian: Pamela.
Mr. Schoener: Harpelo.
Brian: Pamela.
[Mr. and Mrs. Schoener continue to say peculiar trisyllabic things]
Brian: You know what? Perfect! You guys got it. Perfect.
[Tato enters, skipping, with a tray containing small bags]
Mr. Schoener: Oh, here is Tato with the drinks.
Mrs. Schoener: Oh! Thank you, Tato!
Tato: [giggling and covering mouth with hand ] I’m shy. [skips out]
Mr. Schoener: We find his joy exhilirating. [lifts a bag from the tray] To the new website!
Brian: Right, to our new website! [takes a bag] I’m sorry, I don’t…How do you drink out of these bags?
Mr. Schoener: You don’t know Mouthware?
Mrs. Schoener: You poke the bottom, stupid silly.
[Mr. and Mrs. Schoener poke the bottoms of their bags with small sticks and hold the bags up so the streams of fluid pour into their mouths]
Pam: Hey, what’s going on back there?
[Tato enters, skipping, with a tray containing Chinese-style takeout containers. He sets it down and skips out.]
Mrs. Schoener: Mmmmm! Rice paste! Would you like some, Brian?
Brian: Rice paste? No thank you; I’m good.
Mrs. Schoener: Oh, but you must eat it. It’s like an intense workout for your colon. [makes arm gestures as if exercising]
Brian: No, really, I’m good.
Mr. Schoener: Well, Brian, don’t be such a stranger. [he and his wife begin shoving large clumps of rice into their mouths] Tell us a little about yourself.
Brian: Okay, uh, well, I grew up in Ohio.
Mr. Schoener: Stop. Tato, we want to hear Brian’s story to music. It’ll be more theatrical.
[Tato skips in, makes a circular motion with his hand, and skips out. Bizarre synthesized music plays.]
Brian: Okay, uh, I was born in Dayton, and I studied web design at UCLA where I got my bachelors. And then I moved to New York in search of work. Can I just use the bathroom?
[music stops]
Mrs. Schoener: [with mouth full of rice] Yes. It’s right over there behind that glass door.
[Brian looks askance at the bathroom door, which is completely transparent, before entering the bathroom and closing the door. He begins to reach for his zipper before snapping out of his preoccupation]
Brian: Okay, you know what? I forgot: I have a tennis lesson that I have to be at. So we’re going to get going. Come on, Pam.
Pam: Oh, okay.
Brian: Thank you guys so much for the drinks and paste.
Pam: You guys had drinks and paste?
Brian: I’m really looking forward to working with you, Mr. Schoener.
Mr. and Mrs. Schoener: Nuni!
Brian: Right, whatever. Come on, honey. [exits]
Pam: Oh, thank you for your hospitality! [exits]
Mr. Schoener: Goodbye, Bam!
Mrs. Schoener: Bye-bye, Bar!
Mr. Schoener: Oh, they were delightful!
[strange electronic sounds]
Mr. Schoener: Darling, get the telephone, please.
[Mrs. Schoner walks forward and is suddenly enveloped by light]
Mrs. Schoener: Hello? Darling, it’s Gretchen! She wants to know if we’re going to the balloon festival!
Submitted by: DavidK93
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 30: Episode 9
]]>
Air Date:Host:Musical Guest:Special Guests:Cameos:Bit Players:
January 15th, 2005
Topher Grace
The Killers
None
None
John Lutz
Jason Sudeikis
JB Smoove
Paula Pell
Liz Cackowski White House Press ConferenceSummary: President George W. Bush’s (Will Forte) questions are fielded by former presidents Bill Clinton (Darrell Hammond) and George Bush, Sr. (Fred Armisen).
Recurring Characters: President George W. Bush, Bill Clinton, George Bush.
Transcript
Montage
Topher Grace’s MonologueSummary: When Topher Grace receives the dumb-questions-from-studio-audience treatment, he thinks he’s being ‘punked.
Recurring Characters: Terrell, Terrell’ Wife.
Bio: Topher Grace (1978-). Actor; his first acting role was as Eric Forman on “That 70’s Show”, 1998-2006; his real first name is Christopher, but he changed it because he didn’t like being nicknamed “Chris”.
Transcript
Trucker TalkSummary: While on the road, truckers discuss the Brad Pitt-Jennifer Aniston break-up over their CB radios.
Recurring Characters: Skeeter.
Transcript
Martin Luther King DaySummary: Lazy black paramedics (Kenan Thompson, Finesse Mitchell) refuse to work on their special day.
Transcript
CBS Evening Fraudulent Document UpdateSummary: Dan Rather (Darrell Hammond) apologizes for a series of fraudulent documents he had errantly reproted as fact.
Recurring Characters: Dan Rather.
Transcript
Beaver RanchSummary: Tyler (Topher Grace) loses his virginity to elderly prostitute, Dot (Rachel Dratch), and learns a valuable life lesson.
The Killers perform “Somebody Told Me”Bio: Alternative rock group; members: vocal/keyboardist Brandon Flowers, guitarist David Keuning, bassist Mark Stoermer, and drummer Ronnie Vannucci.
Also Performed: 06a.
Weekend Update with Tina Fey & Amy PoehlerSummary: In honor of Martin Luther King Day, Weekend Update recognizes the fictional Cliff (Kenan Thompson) and Clair Huxtable (Maya Rudolph) as positive role models in the African-American community.
Transcript
Artsy ApartmentSummary: Nuni (Fred Armisen) and Nuni (Maya Rudolph) – whose names are the same but have different pronunciations – show off the weird furniture in their apartment to their neighbors (Topher Grace, Rachel Dratch).
Recurring Characters: Nuni, Nuni, Tato.
Transcript
HardballSummary: Zell Miller (Will Forte) yells about the tsunamis.
Recurring Characters: Chris Matthews, Howard Dean, Zell Miller.
The Not So Incredible Adventures Of The Down And Out DollarSummary: After a drop in value, the dollar bill (Amy Poehler) takes a lot of flak from the foreign currencies she once dominated over.
Transcript
The Killers perform “Mr. Brightside”
GoodnightsTranscript
]]>
Dress Rehearsal Cuts
Doctor’s OfficeSummary: A young doctor (Topher Grace) acts immature while discussing heart surgery with his patients (Chris Parnell, Maya Rudolph).
Bear CitySummary: In a pinch, a bear uses the handicapped toilet, only to be confronted by a bear in a wheelchair.
Note: This short film will air in the episode hosted by David Spade.
One Night StandSummary: Man (Topher Grace) and woman (Amy Poehler) try to make small talk the next morning after their one night stand.
Gibson StudiosSummary: Bill Kurtis (Darrell Hammond) records various A&E show promos.
Note: This sketch will later air in the episode hosted by Jason Bateman.
Bear CitySummary: Frustration culminates when a bear tries to get cigarettes from a gas station.
Note: This short film will air in the episode hosted by Paris Hilton.
Rafael Alonzo’s I.T.F. Technical Computer InstituteSummary: Rafael Alonzo (Fred Armisen) teaches simple computer technology.
Note: This sketch will later air in the episode hosted by Paris Hilton.
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 30: Episode 8
04h: Robert De Niro / Destiny’s Child
Woomba
Woman 1….Maya Rudolph
Woman 2….Rachel Dratch
Woman 3….Amy Poehler
Woman 4….Tina Fey
[Opens with a woman sitting by her fireplace, reading a book]
Woman 1: When I feel fresh, I feel confident.
[Cut to a woman brushing her hair, getting ready for bed]
Woman 2: When I feel clean, that’s when I’m at my best.
[Cut to a woman cooking, rolling dough]
Woman 3: My life is hectic enough. I don’t have time to worry about feeling refreshed.
[A woman wearing a bathrobe sits on the edge of her bathtub looking at herself in a mirror]
Announcer: All around the country thousands of women are discovering the next generation of freshness with Woomba. New–from the makers of Roomba.
[Shot of a circular, pink, plastic disc with a few buttons on it]
[Whirring]
Woomba: [robotic voice] Ready, ready.
[Woomba crawls up the lady in the bathrobe’s leg into her crotch]
Announcer: The first completely robotic feminine hygiene product.
Woomba: [robotic voice] Ready, ready.
Woman 4: Woomba. Its a robot and it cleans my business, my lady business. And I like that.
Announcer: Woomba is a small disc-like object that takes care of all of your feminine-hygiene needs. Activate Woomba and it does the rest. Woomba’s built in sensors can tell when you’re not at your freshest and that’s when Woomba goes to work. Its gentle but powerful onboard cleaning agents assure results every time.
[Woomba whirrs. It climbs into the bed of Woman 2. It travels under the covers right into her crotch. She jumps up]
Woomba: [robotic voice]Ready, ready.
Woman 2: Ah!
[Cut to Woman 3 rolling dough in the kitchen]
Announcer: Once Woomba is activated it is entirely self-sufficient. It cannot be turned off.
[Woomba crawls up the pant leg of Woman 3. She tries to shake it loose]
Woomba: [robotic voice] Ready, ready.
[Woomba is going crazy, back and forth, banging into the wall]
Announcer: Woomba will address your feminine hygiene needs whenever and wherever it thinks its best. That’s the confidence you get from Woomba.
[Woman 1 runs through the woods in slow-motion]
[Woomba is running after her in hot pursuit]
[Woman 1 looks back to the Woomba disc chasing her with a worried look on her face]
[Shot of Woomba disc]
[Woman 4 holds up the Woomba disc]
Woman 4: Woomba—the little pink robot that cleans your noony.
Announcer: From the makers of Roomba
[fade]
Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 30: Episode 8
04h: Robert De Niro / Destiny’s Child
Weekend Update with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler
…..Tina Fey
…..Amy Poehler
Rob Riggle…..Leviticus
Brad Scheinwald…..Seth Meyers
Abe Scheinwald…..Rachel Dratch
Announcer: From Studio 8-H in Rockefeller Center, its Weekend Update with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler!
Tina Fey: Hi Im Tina Fey.
Amy Poehler: and Im Amy Poehler and here are tonights top stories.
This week, an investigation began probing into ethnical breeches committed by former Homeland Security Secretary nominee Bernard Kerik. In addition to employee an illegal nanny, there are reports of extra marital liaisons, ties to the mob, and unpaid condo fees. Wow! All that and bald with a mustache! Sign me up!
It was reported that while at the White House Christmas party, first daughter Barbara Bush smashed her head on the dance floor when a friend she was dancing with dipped her too low. That friend, Captain Morgan. (Captain Morgan is added to the picture of Barbara Bush as well as a red mustache and beard to Barbaras face)
Tina Fey: Beginning in January, Senator Zell Miller will be a contributor to programs on Fox News Channel by day (in a creepy voice) and an assassin for hire by night! Thank you, sir.
At his annual physical Sunday, President Bush found out hes gained six pounds since last year and hes pledged to lose the weight as soon as possible. So finding Osama Bin Laden will get pushed even further down on the Presidents to-do list. (A To-Do List is shown that says 1. Lose 6 Pounds; 2. Fight Iran; 3. Find Bin-Laden’)
Amy Poehler: Various anti-Bush groups plan to protest his inauguration by lining the streets and turning their backs on his motorcade. But you know thats not gonna work cuz hes just gonna get out to see what theyre all looking at.
Tina Fey: A new book The Intimate World of Abraham Lincoln claims that Lincoln was gay. The most compelling evidence, a recently discovered, early draft of the Gettysburg Address that starts (Tina snaps her fingers once after she says each word) “Listen up, bitches.” So excited about the snapping!
Amy Poehler: The issue of religion in the work place has become an increasingly contentious one. Here to discuss it is Weekend Updates favorite street prophet, Leviticus.
Leviticus: Thank you very much, Tina. Thank you, Amy. Id like you all now to join me in a quick prayer.
(Tina and Amy oblige as he stands up and begins to literally scream his prayer)
LORD!! Hear me now! Help me to crush the wicked into a fine powder! Allow my hands to become some sort of, I dont know, stabbing weapon, or slicing weapon so that I may destroy these legions of evil! At least give me the power of flight Jesus, or the ability to become invisible so that I may sneak up on the demons and snap their reptilian necks! LORD!! Help me to help you! WOOOOOH! Ah man! That felt good! Yes!
Tina Fey: Thank you Leviticus, but you know, that right there might be why people are a little uncomfortable with religion in the work place.
Leviticus: Point taken, Ms. Fey. Allow me to try again.
(He stands up and puts one of his feet on the desk with his elbow on that knee and a Bible in that hand. He starts screaming again)
LORD!! Hear me know! Help me to deliver your message to ALL the people of the world whether they be man, woman, child, black, white, green, yellow, striped or polka-dotted. And that message is this Youre all gonna die! Think about that! (He takes his foot off the desk and just stands) Im talking the lake of fire! (Opens the Bible) According to the Book of Jobs, chapter 12, verse 200 and he spake, And the wicked shall backstroke in the fiery depths of hell! WOOOOOH! *He makes a weird noise with his tongue and pretends to shoot of a bazooka gun and then pretends to blow the smoke from his Bible* Yall just been blown away by the word! And it dont cost NOTHING!
Tina Fey: Amy, where did you find this guy?
Amy Poehler: He delivered my futon and I thought he was interesting.
Tina Fey: All right, thanks Leviticus, thanks for stopping by.
Leviticus: (He walks between where Tina and Amy are sitting) No, no, no, no! Thank you! I want to say one more thing before I leave (He puts his hands on their head)* LORD!! Hear me know! Please help these two FILTHY streetwalkers with their lustful addictions for sex and their insatiable thirst for alcohol, which we all know comes from the flaming teeth of Satan!
Amy Poehler: All right! Get out of here, Leviticus!
Leviticus: Persecutors!! Persecutors!! (He makes the weird noise with his tongue again)
Tina Fey: Leviticus, everyone!
Leviticus: Youre all gonna die!!
Tina Fey: It was reported that Guy Ritchie has cast his wife Madonna in a small walk-on role in his new movie “Revolver.” Madonna will play the part of the woman who ruins the film.
Amy Poehler: Mike Tyson, this week, completed 100 hours of community service coaching kids a Brooklyn gym. Im so glad the 100 hours is up and now I can relax and get on with my life, said one of the kids.
This week in Germany, an 81-year-old man was robbed when two young women asked him to join them in a nude photo shoot, and then fled with the man’s wallet as he stripped. Afterwards, the women felt badly and almost returned the wallet, but then Tina was like, Screw it, let’s go buy shoes.
Tina Fey: Barbra Streisand had surgery this week to remove a benign polyp discovered during a routine colonoscopy. Doctors described the polyp as “opinionated.”
Amy Poehler: Fox is launching a new reality series called Whos Your Daddy? Yeah in which an adopted woman must figure out which of eight men is her biological father. Then she must marry him.
Tina Fey: 2004 was the year of the independent movie, with a new batch of well crafted, inde. hits coming to the fore. Here to talk about this trend is film producer Brad Scheinwald.
Brad Scheinwald: Thank you! Thank you all so much! Thank you Tina! 2004 was an exciting year for American cinema. The inde. film trend was so (He is interrupted his grandfather who enters with a huge bucket of coleslaw that he is eating)
Abe Scheinwald: AHH! Hold it right there! Why are you lettin this kid tell you about pictures?
Brad Scheinwald: Grandpa, I thought I told to wait in the dressing room.
Abe Scheinwald: I got kicked out for eating all of Destiny Child’s deli platter.
Tina Fey: Whos this?
Brad Scheinwald: This is my grandfather and founder of Scheinwald Studios, Abe Scheinwald.
Abe Scheinwald: Ive made over 51 pictures including, “Cheerleader Zombies of Stararidy Road”, “Japanese Bikini Squad: Kill Kill”, “The Chimp and the Pimp 1, 2, 3, and 5”, and “N.I.T.”
Tina Fey: “N.I.T.”?
Abe Scheinwald: Nipple Institute of Technology.
Brad Scheinwald: The thing is Pops, Im trying to move Scheinwald Pictures in a more intelligent direction, the direction more films took this year.
Abe Scheinwald: Ah! Name one!
Brad Scheinwald: All right, fine, an incredible film, “Sideways.” A story of two friends driving wine country and
Abe Scheinwald: Ahh! If you wanna sit through a road movie about two guys drinkin booze, rent the Abe Scheinwald classic mighty pick “Scooch ‘n Mondo Take Daytona Beach.”
Brad Scheinwald: Okay, how about the film “Kinsey”?
Abe Scheinwald: Ahh! I went to see this picture because I heard it was about a sex doctor who did experiments on people. What a let down!! If you want an erotic thriller, try the Scheinwald hit “The Curious Dr. Hump.”
Brad Scheinwald: “Napoleon Dynamite.”
Abe Scheinwald: A guy with big hair in an explosion.
Brad Scheinwald: “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind”!!
Abe Scheinwald: Eternal-what of the Hotty-where.
Tina Fey: So there was nothing worth seeing this year?
Brad Scheinwald: Please Tina, dont let me Grandfather change the way you think about movies!
Abe Scheinwald: Dont listen to this one! This one wanted to make a movie about the misadventures of a blind guy! I thought I liked it better the first time when it was called “Mr. Magoo”!
Brad Scheinwald: It was “Ray”, the Ray Charles story. We passed on “Ray.”
(Abe Scheinwald sets his coleslaw down and makes thumbs downs while making spitting noises)
Tina Fey: Aw Brad and Abe Scheinwald everybody.
Amy Poehler: Many people at the Noble Peace Prize Concert were upset when Tom Cruise plugged his controversial religion of Scientology saying, Im just proud to be here and very proud to be a Scientologist. Observers say Cruise might have done more for his religion if he hadnt started the speech with the phrase (in an alien voice) People of earth
Tina Fey: Sodom, the worlds first known piece of printed pornography, described as the Quintessence of Debauchery, has been sold at auction for 89,000 dollars to one very fancy masturbator. (Shows a picture of a fat naked man with a top hat on)
Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas was voted the video game of the year at the Spike TV Video Game Awards. Once again, the worst video game of the year went to John Maddens Irregularly Shaped Mole Hunt. Its the worst!
Amy Poehler: A state trooper in Oklahoma, who had pulled over a delivery truck, found 600 pounds of marijuana, hidden in four coffins. Or so starts the math section of Snoop Dogg’s new SAT prep book.
For Weekend Update, Im Amy Poehler!
Tina Fey: Im Tina Fey. Good night and have a pleasant tomorrow!
Submitted by: Margaret Edwards
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 30: Episode 8
04h: Robert De Niro / Destiny’s Child
Season’s Greetings From “Saturday Night Live”
…..Horatio Sanz
…..Kermit the Frog (Muppeteer: Steve Whitmire)
…..Fozzie Bear (Muppeteer: Eric Jacobson)
…..The Great Gonzo (Muppeteer: Dave Goelz)
…..Animal (Muppeteer: David Rudman)
Don Pardo: And now a very special Christmas treat from all of us at “Saturday Night Live”.
[show Horatio Sanz all dressed in red. Horatio is playing a lute, standing by a short brick wall, as jingle bells and drum beat plays in the background. ]
Horatio Sanz: One… Two… One- Two- Three
[Horatio signals to stop the music. The music stops.]
Horatio Sanz: Jimmy? Tracy? Kattan? Guys?
[ Kermit enters, wearing a Christmas sweater and Ssanta hat]
Kermit: Horatio, is something wrong? Can I help?
Horatio Sanz: Oh, hi Kermit.
Kermit: Hi there.
Horatio Sanz: Oh, I’m just a little blue, cause there’s no one here to sing my Christmas song with me.
Kermit: Oh my guys can do it! Right guys?
[Fozzie, Animal, and Gonzo enter dressed in red Christmas sweaters. Animal is caring a keyboard with a built-in drum machine. ]
Fozzie and Gonzo: Yeah. Sure. Sure.
Horatio Sanz: You guys you guys know my Christmas song?
Kermit: Yeah.
Gonzo: Yeah, of course we know your song. You’ve sung it like three times a year for the past four years.
Fozzie: Yeah, I mean even Hans and Franz changed a few lines once and a while.
Animal: Hans and Franz! Hans and Franz! Hans and Frans! Ahh-ha-ha-ha
Horatio Sanz: Wow, you guys are really going to sing my song with me?
Kermit: Oh sure we would. You ready, guys?
Fozzie and Gonzo: Oh Yeah. Yeah.
Kermit: All right, hit it!
[drums, and bells begin again]
Horatio Sanz: One
Fozzie: Two…
Horatio Sanz: One-
Fozzie: Two-
Horatio Sanz: Three-
Fozzie: Four!
[ they start playing. Snow starts to fall.]
Horatio Sanz: “I don’t care what your momma says, Christmas time is nee-ear!“
Fozzie: “I don’t care what your papa says, Christmas will soon be here!”“
Horatio Sanz: “All I know is that Santa’s Claus don’t care about breaking no flying laws.“
Fozzie: “He brings toys to boys and girls.“
Horatio Sanz: “In every nook and cranny in this crazy old world.“
Fozzie: Yeah!
Horatio, Kermit, Fozzie, and Gonzo:
“I wish it was Christmas todaa-ay!
I wish it was Christmas todaa-ay!”
Kermit: Get down!
Horatio Sanz: “I don’t care what anybody says cause Christmas time is dee-ear!“
Gonzo: “I don’t care what anyone says-Christmas is full of chee-eer!“
Fozzie and Horatio: “I don’t care about the five o’clock news. I don’t care if our lights blow out a fuse. I wish it was Christmas todaa-ay, in the good old U. S. of A!“
Horatio, Kermit, Fozzie, and Gonzo: “I wish it was Christmas todaa-ay!“
Gonzo: Whoo!
Kermit: Ahh, play it!
Animal: Christmas! Christmas!
Kermit: Yeah!
[ they stop playing, and bow to the audience ]
Submitted by: GelflingWaldo
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 30: Episode 8
04h: Robert De Niro / Destiny’s Child
Goodnights
…..Robert De Niro
Robert De Niro: Thanks to Destiny’s Child, The Muppets.. [ looks off to the side ] Lorne.. the cast and crew of “Saturday Night Live.” Everybody, Merry Christmas!
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 30: Episode 8
04h: Robert De Niro / Destiny’s Child
Undercover Gangster
Ruben Sanders…..Horatio Sanz
Mr. Tanucci…..Robert De Niro
Agent 1…..Seth Myers
Agent 2…..Kenan Thompson
Gino…..Rob Riggle
Wiseguy…..Will Forte
Old Wiseguy…..Fred Armisen
(open on outside of apartment building. Cut to inside of apartment with 3 agents surrounded by surveillance equipment getting a hidden wire on agent Sanders.)
Ruben Sanders: Hello, hello, hello.
Agent 2: Yeah, we can hear him.
Agent 1: Okay, all you got to do is get him to talk about the D’Ambrusio hit. Then this guy is going down. Gotta watch yourself. This is a dangerous man.
Ruben Sanders: For the last year I’ve been studying these guys. I know the way to move, I know the way to walk, I know the way they talk. I’m gonna… I’m gonna get him.
Agent 1: All right, Sanders, get your coat on and let’s do this.
Agent 2: Think he can do it?
Agent 1: Yeah, he’s the best in the biz.
(Cut to the inside of a club filled with wiseguys playing cards, and an old wiseguy making coffee)
Mr. Tanucci: So this guy is a real computer whiz. He’s one of the first to get with this Internet gambling stuff.
Old Wiseguy: Yeah, there’s a lot of money in that.
Gino: Who is this guy? I never heard of him before.
Mr. Tanucci: Don’t worry, he comes recommended. We’re gonna get in a whole ground floor wave with Internet casinos. (Knock on the door) Gino.
Ruben Sanders: (With a very exaggerated Italian accent) Hey! How you guys doin’? Let me just put down this meatball sub here with extra mozzarella. (Throws paper bag with sandwich at wiseguy)
Mr. Tanucci: All right. Have a seat.
Ruben Sanders: OWW! Fuggitaboutit.
Gino: Forget about what?
Ruben Sanders: Sorry I’m late, I was at my goombah’s place. We were just finishing dinner. We had some raviolis, some rigatonis and some rice-aroni. Fuggitaboutit!
Wiseguy: Why you keep saying Forget about it?
Mr. Tanucci: Never mind that. I heard you were a man of business which is why I agreed to meet with you. But I like to know who I’m getting into business with. Where you from?
Ruben Sanders: Hey! It’s me, Tony Lasagna, from the neighborhood.
Mr. Tanucci: What neighborhood?
Ruben Sanders: You know, Little Italy.
Mr. Tanucci: I grew up in Little Italy, I didn’t see you around too much.
Ruben Sanders: C’mon, we used to play stickball together behind the Olive Garden, with, you know, Paulie Walnuts, Rocky Balboa, the Mario Brothers, they were all there. (getting nervous) Donkey Kong, Vinnie Testaverde, Madonna!
Mr. Tanucci: All right already, Let’s get back to this internet casino business.
Old Wiseguy: Yeah, there’s a lot of money in that.
Ruben Sanders: Exactly, let’s talk business. Fuggitaboutit!
Mr. Tanucci: Forget about what?
Ruben Sanders: I’m bustin’ beans over here. (Sings) “Volare, oh oh oh oh, Cantare, yo yo yo yo!” (Agents in the other room listen and grimace)
Mr. Tanucci: Quit fooling around, and tell me more about this internet casino business.
Old Wiseguy: Yeah there’s a lot of money in that.
Ruben Sanders: That there is. But first I wanna tell you a little story. (Godfather music plays) When I was young, I had to hide out in Sicily. I married a beatiful farmgirl named Apollonia. I taught her to speak English Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Friday. She takes her top off and she had perfectly round Yabbos. And they blew her up in a car. So I came to America and married a girl named Diane Keaton. (Music stops and agents in the other room shake their heads in disbelief)
Mr. Tanucci: I don’t know about you.
Ruben Sanders: Fuggitaboutit! I’m bustin’ beans!
Mr. Tanucci: Stop saying “bustin’ beans!”
Ruben Sanders: Fuggitaboutit!
Mr. Tanucci: Stop saying that, too!
Wiseguy: You know something’s not right here.
Mr. Tanucci: Don’t get too nervous. If you don’t relax, we’re gonna have to put you in a pair of Depends. (Everyone at the club laughs) I’m funny.
Ruben Sanders: He’s a funny guy.
Mr. Tanucci: What? I’m funny? How am I funny?
Ruben Sanders: Funny, you know.
Mr. Tanucci: I don’t know, you said it. Funny, how? Like, I’m clowning over here? To amuse you, or what? Tell me what the hell is so funny about me? (Dead serious and there’s a tense silence) I’m just bustin’ beans! Fuggitaboutit! (Everyone laughs)
Gino: I still think this guy is working for the feds.
Ruben Sanders: Oh yeah, I’m working for the FBI. My real name is agent Ruben Sanders.
Mr. Tanucci: Ruben Sanders, that’s hilarious!
Ruben Sanders: You know what? I’m trying to record you through this wire. (Opens his shirt revealing a microphone wire) I’m trying to get you, Mr. Tanucci, to admit you killed Carlo D’ambrusio.
Mr. Tanucci: (Playing along) Yeah! And I suppose I’m just gonna pick up this microphone from your shirt right here, and tell the FBI how I killed Carlo two months ago and had him buried under the Seacaucus ramp on the New Jersey turnpike, and I suppo– (Knock on the door) I suppose that the FBI is here to take me away. (Agents storm right into the club) Oh! it is them!
Agent 1: Mr. Tanucci, you’re under arrest for the murder of Carlo D’ambrusio.
Mr. Tanucci: I can’t believe you tricked me, you rat piece of garbage! I trusted you like a son, I let you in and you betrayed me! I bet you ain’t even married to Diane Keaton.
Ruben Sanders: Take him out of here.
Agent 1: I don’t agree with your methods, but you got the job done.
Ruben Sanders: Don’t break your arm patting yourself on the back. We have to move on to our next mission. (Cracks up) Infiltrating the Chinese mafia. (Seth, under his breath, says, “You blew it.”) Henceforth, you will know me as.. (in thick chinese accent) ..Hong Kong-a Fooey. (bows down, and we hear the sound of a gong over cheers and applause)
Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel