Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 30: Episode 8 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos:
December 18th, 2004 Robert De Niro Destiny’s Child None Kermit the Frog Lil’ Wayne Fozzy Bear Animal Gonzo Pentagon Press BriefingSummary: In a near-repeat of an opening sketch two years ago, Craig Fenson (Robert De Niro) returns to read the names of more naughtily-named terrorists. Recurring Characters: Donald Rumsfeld, Craig Fenson.
Montage
Robert De Niro’s MonologueSummary: Robert De Niro sings “Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas” with Kermit the Frog. First Hosted: 02g.
WoombaSummary: The self-operating electronic feminine hygeine product that knows best when a woman should be using it. Transcript
PrankstersSummary: In another gross misunderstanding of the concept of the show, grown-up Chuck Gordon (Robert De Niro) pranks his neighbor (Chris Parnell) with a chainsaw. As usual, host Zack Ricky (Seth Meyers) is horrified. Recurring Characters: Zack Ricky.
Wedding ReceptionSummary: At one of his four daughter’s wedding, Dad (Robert De Niro) wonders when his foppish son (Seth Meyers) will marry, failing to suspect the boy may be gay.
Prince Christmas SpecialSummary: Robert De Niro is one of many out-of-place guests on Prince’s (Fred Armisen) Christmas special. Recurring Characters: Prince, Beyonce, Star Jones, Al Reynolds. Note: Though a member of the evening’s musical guest, Beyonce does not appear in this sketch.
TV FunhouseSummary: In yet another commentary on the 2000 and 2004 elections, Santa Claus refuses to bring toys to children who live in America’s electoral “red” states.
“The Apprentice” PromoSummary: While dressed as Santa Claus, Donald Trump (Darrell Hammond) records a new promo for “The Apprentice.” Recurring Characters: Donald Trump. Note: This sketch was cut from last week’s episode hosted by Colin Farrell.
Destiny’s Child with Lil’ Wayne perform “Soldier”First Performed: 00r. Bio: Lil’ Wayne (1983-). Rapper; former member of the rap supergroup Hot Boys.
Weekend Update with Tina Fey & Amy PoehlerSummary: Street prophet Leviticus (Rob Riggle) wants to save Tina and Amy’s souls, but is very annoying about it. Brad (Seth Meyers) & Abe Scheinwald (Rachel Dratch) leave their studio offices to argue at the Update desk. Recurring Characters: Brad Scheinwald, Abe Scheinwald. Transcript
Undercover GangsterSummary: Undercover agent Ruben Sanders (Horatio Sanz) butchers the Italian stereotype to nab a playful gangster (Robert De Niro). Transcript
Destiny’s Child performs “Cater 2 U”
Christmas with the Cat LadySummary: Elderly cat lady Margie (Robert De Niro) reads a story to the many cats that fill her apartment.
Bear CitySummary: Christian bears accidentally sing Christmas carols for a Jewish bear household. Note: This short film was cut from last week’s episode hosted by Colin Farrell.
Season’s Greetings From “Saturday Night Live”Summary: Even though Jimmy Fallon, Chris Kattan and Tracy Morgan have all left the cast, Horatio Sanz keeps the tradition of the overplayed nonsense song alive with help from Muppets Kermit, Fozzie, Animal and Gonzo. Transcript
Dress Rehearsal Cuts The Today ShowSummary: Katie Couric (Amy Poehler) and Matt Lauer (Seth Meyers) from the studio, while Al Roker (Kenan Thompson) works the crowd outside. Recurring Characters: Katie Couric, Matt Lauer, Al Roker.
KaitlinSummary: Kaitlin (Amy Poehler) wants to play with the karaoke machine at her Uncle’s (Robert De Niro) music store. Recurring Characters: Kaitlin, Rick.
Donatella VersaceSummary: Donatella Versace (Maya Rudolph) resolves to do things differently in 2005. Recurring Characters: Donatella Versace, Elton John.
Christmas ShoppingSummary: A man (Robert De Niro) has difficulty shopping for his wife.
Bear CitySummary: Frustration culminates when a bear tries to get cigarettes from a gas station. Note: This short film will air in the episode hosted by Paris Hilton.
A Message from a Pedicab DriverSummary: A Pedicab driver (Robert De Niro) talks about his job and Times Square during the goold old days.
Bear CitySummary: A bear has difficulty putting up Christmas lights on his house.
Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, it’s “Weekend Update,” with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler!
[cheers and applause]
Amy Poehler: Im Amy Poehler.
Tina Fey: Im Tina Fey. And here are tonights top stories:
Donald Rumsfeld visited troops in Kuwait this week, and when specialist Thomas Wilson asked why they had to dig through landfills to find scrap metal to uparmor their vehicles, Rumsfeld had this to say:
Donald Rumsfeld: If you think about it, you can have all the armor in the world on a tank, uh, and a tank can be blown up.
Tina Fey: Now Merry Christmas, suckers! Oy.
According to his own Grand Jury testimony, New York Yankees player Jason Giambi injected himself with Human Growth Hormone in 2003, and also used steroids for at least three seasons. Although apparently, not the kind that make you good at baseball.
I dont know, I dont watch baseball.
Amy Poehler: Former New York City Police Commissioner Bernard Kerik, who was President Bushs nominee to be the next Homeland Security chief, abruptly withdrew his name from the nomination on Friday. So President Bush stubbornly insists on going back to his original choice: Superman.
This past Tuesday marked the first night of misspelling Chanukah. [graphic of a menorah with a caption that reads Chanugah]
Tina Fey: In preparation for his child molestation trial, investigators took a DNA sample by swabbing Michael Jacksons mouth on Saturday. Then, out of habit, Jackson gave the investigators twelve million dollars in hush money.
Amy Poehler: The NHL hockey lockout continues, and may end up causing the entire season to be cancelled. Here to talk about it, from the Phoenix Coyotes, Brett Hull.
[pan to Brett; applause]
Brett Hull: Hi! Thanks for having me.
Amy Poehler: Thank you! Thanks for being here, Brett. You are arguably the best player in the NHL today.
Brett Hull: Oh, I dont know about that. As they say, theres no, uh, I in team. But as I say, uh, theres no team without I. Im just kidding! Hi guys.
Amy Poehler: Well it must be, uh, breaking your heart to miss a whole season.
Brett Hull: No doubt, Amy. I really miss playing, and scoring goals in air hockey just isnt the same.
Amy Poehler: Th- Tell me about it, yeah, I know. So, do you think the NHL[some laughter] do you think the NHL will be able to regain popularity after a year off?
Brett Hull: I think so. I mean, with the basketball riots, the steroids in baseball, I think hockeys looking classier all the time.
Amy Poehler: Very true. Brett, youre Canadian. What do you think of this new gay marriage law passing in Canada?
Brett Hull: Well, thats what happens in Canada when theres no hockey. [applause] Guys, guys have more time to hang out, talk about their feelings. Next thing you know, theyre in love with each other. Ive got nothing against it, but Id rather be playing hockey.
Amy Poehler: You heard it here first, folks. Brett Hull would rather play hockey than marry a dude. Brett Hull, everybody! [applause]
Tina Fey: Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen have pledged to help stop abuses at overseas sweatshops producing their clothing line, although the twins say they know from personal experience that three-year-olds have more than enough energy to work an 18-hour day. [photo of the Olsens as toddlers] Aw, look how cute they were!
Amy Poehler: A little tired!
[picture of Hamid Karzai wearing his famous hat] This week, in a historic ceremony, interim prime minister Hamid Karzai was sworn in as Afghanistans first democratically-elected hat model. [laughs at her joke] Nice hat!
The Anti-Defamation League is upset with Bill OReilly for suggesting to a Jewish caller on his syndicated radio show that if he is offended by Christian attempts to convert him, he should go to Israel. Then he asked the caller what he was wearing.
Tina Fey: Oh, thank you for reminding me. Hey Bill, remember that time you used to call that lady that worked for you and, uh, tell her you wanted to rub soap on her boobs? And uh, and then you told her you had a big penis, but if you really had a big penis you wouldnt have to tell people, they would just see that. Aw man, remember when you did that? I do.
[cut to graphic; applause]
Don Pardo V/O: This has been Dont forget Bill OReilly is disgusting.
Tina Fey: Andy Slater, Rick Floyd, and Bobby Wooderson are suing filmmaker Richard Linklater for defamation, for using their names for three stoner characters in his 1993 movie Dazed and Confused. The three may not have much of a case, though, since they apparently watched the movie for eleven years without recognizing their own names.
Amy Poehler: This week, Jay-Z was named president of the Def Jam record label. Sorry, John Kerry.
Tina Fey: The Christmas season is a time for giving and giving back to your community, and thats why Amy and I have joined the Teen Mentoring Program of America. Please welcome the young girl we have been assigned to mentor, Lindsay Lohan.
[Lindsay enters and sits between Tina and Amy; applause]
Hi! Hi Lindsay.
Amy Poehler: Hi Lindsay! Lindsay, we are very worried about you, OK? Whats going on?
Lindsay Lohan: Nothing. Everythings great.
Tina Fey: Are you eating?
Lindsay Lohan: Yeah, Im eating.
Tina Fey: OK, cause you know what, [grabbing Lindsays right arm] these are Mischa Barton arms, yeah. And I dont like that. I think Lindsay Lohan should have Lindsay Lohan arms.
Lindsay Lohan: I- Ive just been really busy working on my movie, Herbie, and my album, Speak.
Amy Poehler: OK, lets talk about this album.
Tina Fey: You are a very good singer.
Amy Poehler: That is true. You have a lovely voice, but you are such a good actress. I dont want to hear that youre neglecting your acting!
Lindsay Lohan: Amy, Im not neglecting my acting. I mean, a lot of actors my age have albums. Everyones doing it!
Amy Poehler: If Hillary Duff jumped off a bridge, would you want to do that too?
Lindsay Lohan: No, duh.
Amy Poehler: Duh? Duh? Is duh a word?
Lindsay Lohan: I- I didnt mean duh, I just meant everything is fine.
Tina Fey: Mm-hmm. Now youve been wearing a lot of low-cut blouses lately
Lindsay Lohan: Tina, nobody says blouses.
Tina Fey: Fine. Low cut tops, whatever the kids say, alright? So now Im gonna ask you one more time: are those things real?
Lindsay Lohan: Oh my God! Yes!
Tina Fey: Because when people ask me if theyre real, I always tell them yes, and I would hate for you to be making a liar out of me, Lindsay.
Amy Poehler: Because people ask us a lot.
Lindsay Lohan: OK, you know what? Stop it, you guys are embarrassing me. Besides, Im not sure you two are the best mentors for me anyway.
[Tina and Amy gasp in astonishment]
Because Tina, you admitted to me that you used to have sex with a guy cause you thought he would help you get into movies.
Tina Fey: Yes, but that was before Fandango made everything so easy! [some applause]
Lindsay Lohan: OK, I mean, and Amy, youre drunk right now.
Amy Poehler: How dare you! I am!
Lindsay Lohan: Listen, I love you guys, but I gotta go.
Amy Poehler: OK, wait. Where are you going?
Lindsay Lohan: I dont know. Im just gonna go to Colins dressing room and say hi.
Tina and Amy: No, no, no.
Amy Poehler: Young lady, no. You go home, and you go right to bed.
Lindsay Lohan: Fine. I will see you guys in church tomorrow.
Tina Fey: OK.
Amy Poehler: Right here, please. [Lindsay kisses both Tina and Amy on the cheek]
Tina Fey: Thank you.
Amy Poehler: Thank you. Wait wait wait, where are you really going?
Lindsay Lohan: Marquee.
Amy Poehler: What is that, like, a club? Is that a cool place, or
Lindsay Lohan: Yeah, its a club, and actually its really fun.
Amy Poehler: So youll probably be dancing til six in the morning, and making out with 25-year-old underwear models?
Lindsay Lohan: I dont know, maybe.
Amy Poehler: [pauses for a moment] Take us with you! Please!
Lindsay Lohan: Guys! I cant take you guys with me.
Tina Fey: Fine. Lindsay Lohan, everybody. [applause]
Amy Poehler: Get outta here.
Tina Fey: Our teen mentee, Lindsay Lohan!
Amy Poehler: Were good role models!
NASA officials were alarmed to learn this week that the food supply on the International Space Station has almost run out. Though neither astronaut on the station could explain where all the food has gone, NASA officials have their suspicions. [picture of an overweight astronaut]
Tina Fey: It was reported that Mel Gibson is buying a private 5000-acre island in Fiji for fifteen million dollars. Not having any Jews around: priceless.
Amy Poehler: While boarding a flight in Africa, members of 50 Cents [pronounced fiddy cents] entourage[interrupted by audience laughter] Thats how you say it! Members of 50 Cents entourage[more laughter] Is that funny? I should just stop the joke right here.
Members of 50 Cents entourage got into a fight with a Nigerian rapper after he tried to sit in a seat reserved for 50 Cent. On the plus side, the terrorists on board were all too scared to try anything.
Actually, Tina, you know I think I know how this fight started. [as a member of the entourage] Hey, that seat is 50 Cents!
Tina Fey: [as the Nigerian] Uh, I only have a dollar.
Amy Poehler: No, no, no. That seat is 50 Cents!
Tina Fey: Do you have change?
Amy Poehler: No, no, I aint hearin nothing. The seat youre sittin in belongs to 50 Cent.
Tina Fey: I already paid the lady for the ticket! This is ludicrous!
Amy Poehler: Aw, no, no. Im Ludacris! And its on now!
[Tina and Amy awkwardly punch each other and shoot off fake guns. After a moment, they bow to the audience. Cheers and applause]
Tina Fey: Professional magician The Amazing Randy has promised one million dollars to anyone who can prove supernatural powers or phenomena really exist. I think its a supernatural phenomenon when a magician named The Amazing Randy has a million dollars!
Amy Poehler: The Supreme Court ruled Monday that members of the Ku Klux Klan cannot protest in New York City wearing their hoods and they must show their faces, because New Yorkers like to see who theyre punching. [applause]
A teenage girl- A teenage girl recently found a twenty-pound brick of marijuana while cleaning up a Pennsylvania beach. And heres the awesome part of the story: Ive adopted her! [applause]
Tina Fey: Our host this week, Colin Farrell, is the star of the new Oliver Stone big-budget epic Alexander. Much of the attention around the film has centered on Alexander the Greats sexuality. Here to comment is Colin Farrell.
[pan to Colin; applause]
Colin Farrell: Thank you. Thank you, Tina. Im very proud of Alexander. Its an honest, multifaceted portrayal of one of the greatest figures of the ancient world. And yet, all anyone seems to talk about is how this guy liked men as well as women. Hes so much more than that!
I mean, this is a man who was able to take a group of fresh-faced young boys and whip them into one of the greatest armies the world has ever seen. And its not like it was that easy to get these guys to go off and follow him. As everyone knows, its very hard to get Greek men to leave their brothers behind. So he looked all over Greece, and found men who were anxious to leave home because they didnt like the way they were being reared.
Tina Fey: Th- This is fascinating. And during this whole time, the Greeks were constantly being attacked by the Persian army, right?
Colin Farrell: Yes, thats right, and the Persians were strong, manly fighters. But Alexander managed to beat off the entire Persian army.
Amy Poehler: Amazing, amazing. And yet, all people can talk about is that he mighta been gay!
Colin Farrell: Sad, isnt it? I mean, he united all of Greece, and got them to fight together as a nation.
Amy Poehler: So he used Greece to beat off the men of the Persian army?
Colin Farrell: Yes he did, Amy. Without Greece, the job of beating off the entire Persian army wouldve been much harder. I mean, this way he can finish them off quicker.
Tina Fey: That- thats true. I know that, cause Im Greek. So, what was a typical battle like for Alexander?
Colin Farrell: Well, his preference was always to take the Persians from behind.
Amy Poehler: Of course, sure.
Colin Farrell: Alexander would use his troops to form a long phalanx, and then he would spread their flanks and ram the head of the phalanx into the Persian rear. And then his master strokeyoull like this, Amyunknown to the Persians, Alexander would hide an entire battalion of the Greek navy inside the phalanx.
Amy Poehler: Really? Wow.
Colin Farrell: Yes. So finally, after pounding away for hours and hours, a raging torrent of Greek seamen would erupt into the Persian rear.
Tina Fey: Amazing. And all we Americans care about is the fact that he may have had sex with a man! Were so provincial, unbelievable. Colin Farrell, everybody!
[Applause; Colin distracts Tina for a moment]
Amy Poehler: For Weekend Update, Im Amy Poehler and this is Tina Fey.
Tina Fey: Good night and have a pleasant tomorrow.
Donald Rumsfeld…..Darrell Hammond Soldier #1…..Rob Riggle Soldier #2…..Will Forte Soldier #3…..Kenan Thompson Soldier #4…..Finesse Mitchell Soldier #5…..Rachel Dratch
[General introduces Secretary Donald Rumsfeld and soldiers stand and applaud him]
Rumsfeld: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. My goodness. What a group. Now before we begin, I want to express on behalf of the entire nation my deepest gratitude for the service you have given and the sacrifices you have all made. And God bless you. [applause] Now as the General said, I’m here to answer your questions. [looks around the crowd] Yes.
Soldier #1: [clears throat] Secretary Rumsfeld, uh, our troops have been in Iraq for three years. Our vehicles don’t have armor plating, so we’re digging through landfills for pieces of scrap metal. My question is, why aren’t resources like armor plating readily available?
Rumsfeld: That’s a fair question, and I suppose my answer would be, in any war there are going to be shortages of equipment. It’s simply the nature of war, especially one as poorly planned as this one.
Soldier #1: Uh-huh.
Rumsfeld: In fact, I would suspect your complaint is a common one. [pointing out in the crowd] Who else here is short of equipment? [points] Yes.
Soldier #2: Uh, our unit has almost no communications gear.
Rumsfeld: [points elsewhere] You, Sir.
Soldier #3: Uh, we need night vision goggles.
Rumsfeld: [points elsewhere] Yes.
Soldier #4: [throws his hands up in the air] Sir, we still don’t have any pants. [camera zooms out to show him in only a jacket and underwear.]
Rumsfeld: [scowls] My goodness. That kind of thing is inexcusable. No question about it. Now, is the lack of basic equipment for our troops something we’re willing to live with? Absolutely not. Are we putting every resource at our disposal into solving this problem? You bet. Is it going to be corrected any time soon? I have no idea. But as for your question, Sir, about the armor for refitting and up armoring our trucks, that we do have.
Soldier #1: Really?
Rumsfeld: Absolutely.
Soldier #1: That’s great. How soon will it get here?
Rumsfeld: Oh, it’s been here. Got here about six months ago.
Soldier #1: It’s here? In Kuwait?
Rumsfeld: Right over in the next hangar. I’ve seen it. It’s state-of-the-art. Looks great.
[The soldier and Rumsfeld look back and forth at each other, both waiting for the other to say something.]
Soldier #1: Could, uh, could we have it?
Rumsfeld: Well, it’s sort of packed away.
Soldier #1: But we will be receiving it?
Rumsfeld: Well, the thing it, it’s kind of hard to get to. It’s back behind a bunch of other stuff. How soon do ya need it?
Soldier #1: As soon as possible, really, would be great.
Rumsfeld: Aw, that’s not gonna be easy.
Soldier #1: My unit would be happy to go in there and help unload it.
Rumsfeld: Well, the problem is, you wouldn’t know where to look. And we really can’t have a bunch of guys to go in there digging around. I’m sorry.
Soldier #1: (tsk) Ok. [thinks for a moment] Oh! What if we were really careful and put everything back exactly where we found it?
Rumsfeld: [shakes head] I wish I could help. I really do. But if we gave your unit armor, we’d have to give it to everybody.
Soldier #1: I understand.
Rumsfeld: [points elsewhere] Yes.
Soldier #5: Hi. Um, I was supposed to go home a year ago, but my tour has been extended twice because of the Stop Loss program. Can anything be done about that?
Rumsfeld: Regrettably, the Stop Loss program, in which a soldier’s tour of duty can be extended without his consent, has become an unfortunate fact of life in today’s military. Now, does everyone agree that it’s not the ideal solution to our recruitment problems? Of course. Is it used any more than is absolutely necessary? Yes, as a matter of fact, it is. But when you signed up for the National Guard, that’s a chance you took.
Soldier #5: Well, see, that’s the thing. I didn’t actually sign up for the Guard. Um, I thought I was applying for a bank loan to buy a car, and the next thing I knew I was drugged, thrown in a van, and here I am.
Rumsfeld: Obviously obviously, I’m not going to deny there are problems with the kidnap-enforceable enlistment program, even though, to be perfectly honest, it was my idea. I suppose one could look at it philosophically that it’s the price one pays for being an American citizen.
Soldier #5: Ok, see, that’s the other thing. I’m not an American citizen. I was just visiting here from Canada. It seems wrong somehow.
Rumsfeld: My gosh, what an absolutely awful story. I only wish there was something I could do. [points elsewhere] Yes.
Soldier #1: It’s uh, me again. Suppose we just borrowed the armor plating, and then after the mission we just-
Rumsfeld: [Interrupts, chuckling] Aw, come on now, don’t make me shoot you. [chuckles] Seriously, don’t. [looks around] Any other questions? Nope. In that case, Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!
Man: Well, this is the place. [unlocking door] Let me just peek in and make sure the coast is clear. I have a bit of a roach problem.
Woman: Well, don’t worry about it. I have roaches in my apartment too. This is New York City. Everybody has roaches.
Man: Yeah, but I have a BIG roach problem.
Woman: I have so many in my apartment I’m gonna start charging rent.
[Both laugh and enter apartment]
Man: C’mon in.
[Both walk in apartment, and it’s completely dark.]
Woman: Oh wow, it’s really dark.
Man: [closes door] Uh, yeah. I’ll just put the food down and light a few candles.
Woman: Okay. You know what, well, let me just turn on a light so you can see just a-
Man: No! Not the lights!
[The lights come on, and there is a human-sized roach sitting on the couch eating out of a box of Honey Comb cereal. He freezes then jumps off the couch. Woman screams.]
Man: There he is! [The roach jumps over the back of couch] Do you see him? [The roach runs out the kitchen door.]
Woman: Oh my-
Man: Did you see him? He just ran into the bathroom!
Woman: Oh my god! What the hell was that?! Was that thing just eating a box of cereal?!
Man: Damn thing loves cereal. [He picks up the box] No matter how tight you close the box, they always find a way in anyway.
Woman: Is there a power plant near here? That thing was huge!
Man: Like you said, everyone has roaches. This is New York, right?
Woman: No, no, that was, like, the biggest roach I’ve ever seen. Gross!
Man: Yeah, well, he’s gone now, so just start setting up the food. I’ll just take these coats and put them in the closet. [He opens the closet door, the roach is in there, and Woman yells.]
Man: What?!
Woman: Behind you!
Man: Who?!
Woman: The roach!
Man: Where?!
[The roach runs around behind Man every time he turns around, so he never does see him.]
Woman: The roach is behind you!
Man: What?
Woman: Right behind you!
Man: Where?!
Woman: Right behind you! It went behind the couch!
Man: I don’t believe it! [He takes off his boot]
Woman: Get him! Hit him before he gets away.
Man: He’s not getting away this time. [He starts beating the roach behind the couch and some guts/slime sprays all over him with every hit. Woman yells out.]
Man: I think I killed him. [He points at the roach and then at his shirt]
Woman: Oh, thank God!
Man: Ugh! I got roach guts on my nice shirt.
Woman: [looking around] Wait, I can hear him moving! There he is! There he is! [She points over at the wall behind the couch]
Man: Dammit, where is he?!
Woman: He’s over there!
Man: Where?!
Woman: Next to the window!
Man: Where?!
Woman: Uh-uh-how can you not see him?!
Man: [whispers loudly] I see him! I can see him! [whispers loudly and slowly] Hand me the can of spray, Baby.
[Amy moves slowly and grabs the can of spray off the coffee table and hands it to Colin. Man walks nonchalantly behind the couch chuckling as if they were talking about something funny.]
Man: [laughs] Yeah.
[He laughs more and then lunges at the roach spraying him up and down with the spray. The roach just shoos it away from his face, holds his nose, and nothing happens to him.]
Man: It’s not working! [He looks at the can] This is air freshener. [He hands it to Amy] Hand me the roach spray.
Woman: Oh, sorry. [She hands him the roach spray]
Man: You’re goin’ down this time, you big possum. [He starts spraying the roach and it reacts like it’s dying. It fights until it falls to the floor.] Ugh! That should do it. I think he’s finally dead.
Woman: You’re not gonna leave him on the floor there, are you?
Man: [says sarcastically] No-o. Hand me some tissue. I’m gonna flush him down the toilet.
Woman: [grabs about 5 tissues] If you flush him down the toilet, he’s gonna go into the ocean and kill somebody.
Man: Well, let me at least move him. [He pushes up his sleeves] All right. [He tugs with all his might behind the couch] Ugh! He’s too heavy. [He tries again and yanks off two legs] Gross!
Woman: Well, just cover him with the tissue then.
Man: [acts as if he got an idea] Ah! [He points at her with the legs, then sets them down and unfolds the tissues. He gingerly places the tissues on top of the roach.] Whew! [He claps his hands together as if to dust them off] Uh, let’s turn off these lights and get cozy. [He sighs, turns off the lights, walks over to couch and sits down] Now this is more like it.
Woman: Y-y-y-you sure that roach is dead? [She looks around]
Man: Don’t be scared. He’s dead.
Woman: C-c-c-could you just make sure?
Man: [throws his hands up] Okay.
Woman: I’m coming with you!
Man: Don’t be scared, he’s dead.
[They walk together to turn the lights on. They turn around the there are 3 roaches climbing on their furniture and eating their food.]
Together: Oh my god!
[They both keep yelling and the roaches jump up to scurry away. Man starts beating them with his boot. Woman grabs the spray and starts spraying them. One tries to kiss Amy.]
Man: [yells at a roach] What are you doing with my cereal?! Get out of my cereal! [He throws his boot at the roach.]
[They keep fighting the roaches as the scene ends.]
Pat N Pattis Slacks, Snacks, & Knick Knack Shack
Pat Sylviak…..Horatio Sanz Patti Sylviak…..Maya Rudolph Zack Kakinsakis…..Colin Farrell
Pat: How many times has this happened? Youre shopping for slacks and smack you have a snack attack. But after you get your snack you have to backtrack to the shack that sells knick knacks.
Patti: How would you react if we told you that now you can get your slacks, snacks and knick knacks all in one shack?
Pat: Hi, Im Pat Sylviak.
Patti: And Im Patti Sylviak. And were the owners of Pat N Pattis Slacks, Snacks and Knick Knack Shack. So if youre looking for all of that youre on the right track.
Pat: Let us show you some of our slacks. We have em in black. Just listen to our stock boy, Zack Kakinsakis.
Zack: Hi, Pat and Patti.
Pat and Patti: Hi, Zack.
Patti: You want to get in on the act?
Zack: I do, as a matter of fact. You might think Im whack, but I could spend all afternoon looking at this fantastic rack of slacks. All our slacks have elastic waistbands intact. And look at that. Snap, snap, snap. This backflap tacks back just like that. And all our slacks come in black, khaki, lilac, and blue. Im sorry, thats blue-black, Pat. Look at that! And across the back of this slack, the union jack. Look at that!
Patti: Zack, I gotta ask do these slacks make my back end look fat?
Zack: Let me tell you something, Aunt Pat, your ass in those slacks is where its at.
Patti: Watch it Zack, youre gonna get a smack.
Pat: I better get a snack.
Zack: We got cracker jacks, cheesy mac, tic tacs, and mini stacks of Monterey jack.
Pat: Hey guys, how about I show you some knick knacks? Candles made of beeswax with signs of the zodiac.
Patti: Hand-crafted welcome mats with rubber backs.
Zack: And dont forget this vintage hand-shellacked plaque of Fleetwood Mac.
Patti: Oh no, dont sell that! Keep that in the back with my blacklight poster of Roberta Flack.
Pat: And dont forget to put your John Hancock on this card were sending with a sack of slacks to the troops in Iraq.
Patti: And this week relax, no tax. And now shop on-line at http://www.patnpattisslackssnacksandknickknacks@patnpattisbackpackshack.ack
Pat: What do you say to that Zack?
Zack: What are you, jacked up on crack? Make tracks down to Pat N Pattis Slacks, Snacks and Knick Knack Shack.
[Music and singing]
Pat, Patti, and Zack: “Slacks, snacks and knick knacks Come to Pat N Pattis Slacks, Snacks and Knick Knack Shack.”
Patti and Zack: At Pat N Pattis
Pat: Slack, slack, slacks.
Patti and Zack: At Pat N Pattis
Pat: Snack, snack, snacks.
Pat, Patti, and Zack: Pat N Pattis Slacks, Snacks and Knick Knack Shack!
Zack: Babys got slacks!
Narrator: Pat N Pattis Slacks, Snacks and Knick Knack Shack. Right next to Kowansak Cadillac. Where Cermack meets Tamarac.
Boss…..Seth Meyers Merv the Perv…..Chris Parnell Amy…..Amy Poehler Rachel…..Rachel Dratch Maya…..Maya Rudolph Steve the Skeeve…..Colin Farrell
[ open on exterior, office building ]
[ dissolve to poster ]
[ Poster reads: “Hesslebart & Minton CHRISTMAS PARTY 4PM Main Cinference Room” ]
[ dissolve to interior, main conference room ]
Boss: Alright, everybody! Now that I have your attention, just a couple of quick announcements: We’ve had a great Fall quarter, here at Hesslebart & Minton. What do you say we keep it going into the new year, huh?
[ the employees cheer ]
Boss: Okay, okay, that’s enough business talk! I’m gonna go refill the egg nog bowl — again. [ everyone giggles ] You guys relax, have a few drinks, and let’s just try to blow off a little steam, okay?
[ Merv the Perv saunters in ]
Merv the Perv: Hey! You guys talkin’ about blowin’ off a little steam? Allow me to introduce “Steam” — AKA: [ points below ] my weiner.
Boss: Merv. Not glad you could make it.
Merv the Perv: Mmm-mmm. That’s Merv — the Perv.
[ cut to animated theme slide of an attractive woman. Merv The Perv appears on her shoulder ]
Merv the Perv V/O: [ singing ] “I’m talkin’ lo-ove! It’s a crazy roller coaster ri-i-i-i-i-i-i-ide!! [ jumps into the woman’s cleavage, poking his head out playfully ] I’m sayin’ lo-ove! You know it comes from deep insi-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-ide!! [ falls through the woman’s body and exits between her legs to the floor ] Now we’re livin’ and laughin’, learnin’ ’cause he’s truly Merv the Perv. That’s Merv the Perv!”
[ dissolve back to the Christmas party, as Merv approaches three female co-workers ]
Merv the Perv: Ho-ho-ho, ladies! Who wants to sit on Santa’s lap?
Amy: No thanks, Merv.
Merv the Perv: Alright, fine — how ’bout my face?
Rachel: Come on, Merv! It’s the holiday season!
Merv the Perv: Yeah? [ singing ] “‘Tis the season to get my jollies — fa-la-la-la-la…” [ he laps his tongue in a disgusting manner ]
Rachel: Gross!!
Amy: Look, Merv, why don’t you go jump out a window?
Merv the Perv: Or — why don’t I go jump on… a Widow? [ turns as an older female co-workers walks past ] And how do you do, Mrs. Goldblatt?
[ he chuckles lasciviously, as she makes a face and scampers off ]
Merv the Perv: [ looking above Amy and Rachel’s heads ] Hey! Lucky me! You two are standing underneath the mistletoe!
Amy: [ looks up ] There’s no mistletoe, Merv.
Merv the Perv: Hmm…
[ a mustachioed stranger saunters in ]
Steve the Skeeve: [ with a Britsh accent ] That may be, but I see two camel toes with my name on them.
Merv the Perv: Nice!
[ Merv and Steve high-five one another and chuckle ]
[ Amy and Rachel are clearly impressed by the stranger that is inexplicably friends with Merv ]
Rachel: Merv! Um — aren’t you going to introduce us to your friend?
Steve the Skeeve: The name’s Steve… [ extends his hand ] Steve the Skeeve. Now — which one of you wants to visit my… North Pole? Get it?
Amy & Rachel: [ chipperly ] Of course I do!! Yes!! That’s very funny!!
Merv the Perv: Hey, Steve here is my cousin from the UK. But you might say I’m from the F-U-C —
Amy: [ interrupting ] Yeah, we get it, Merv.
Steve the Skeeve: That’s right — I’m from across the pond, but, hopefully, later tonight, I’ll be across the blonde.
[ Merv and Steve laugh, as the girls titter ]
Rachel: [ whispering to Amy ] His accent is SO elegant..!
Merv the Perv: Hey, you want to hear my idea of elegant? You two slipping out of those antlers, heading back to my place, and massaging my planters horse with your boobies.
[ the girls remain speechless for a moment ]
Amy: Merv, you are such a bonehead!
Steve the Skeeve: Hey — I’ll supply the bone, you supply the head, we could make a movie.
[ Merv laughs ]
Amy: [ giggling ] Oh, my God — he’s like Shakespeare!
Merv the Perv: Hey, I LOVE Shakespeare! Speaking of which, I’ll be putting on a production of Core-a-lanus out in my van! Who wants to audition?
[ a visibly pregnant Maya steps forward, and whispers into the girls’ ears ]
Maya: Hey, girls — who’s the hunk with Merv the Perv?
Amy: Back off, I saw him first.
Merv the Perv: Howdy, Preggo! If that’s a little lady you’ve got in there, then I’m lookin’ at my first three-way!
Maya: [ stunned ] That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever heard in my life.
Steve the Skeeve: [ stepping forward ] Hey there, beautiful. If you’re not busy later, how about we adjoin to the janitor’s closet, drop trou, and see if I can hit baby?
Maya: [ blushing ] Wow! You know just what to say!
Steve the Skeeve: [ drops to his knees and touches Maya’s belly ] Hey, little fella… better make some room in there, it’s about to get real crowded.
Rachel: Wow! She’s so lucky!
Amy: I know — tell me about it!
Merv the Perv: [ points to his genitals ] I’ll tell you about this: three solid inches of hairless, wrinkled pleasure with your name on it! [ motions his fingers ] Come and get some.
Rachel: Okay! That’s it! Merv, you need to learn a lesson from your cousin, Steve the Skeeve here. He is a gentleman, and he treats women with RESPECT!
[ Steve pops his head out from under Rachel’s skirt ]
Steve the Skeeve: Merv, you have GOT to check this out! The view from down here is FANTASTIC!
Merv the Perv: [ chuckles ] I’m sure it is, Steve… but I can take a hint. These ladies clearly want me to leave, so I guess I’ll just take off… MY PANTS!!
[ Merv pulls his breakaway pants loose to reveal a red-and-green candy cane thong ]
Girls: Oh, Merrrrrrrvv!!
Merv the Perv: Hey, that’s Merv… the Perv!
[ a circle surrounds Merv and Steve ]
Merv the Perv V/O: [ singing ] “That’s Merv the Perv!”
Kathy…..Amy Poehler Ted…..Seth Meyers Owen…..Colin Farrell Carol…..Horatio Sanz Cheyenne…..Maya Rudolph Victor…..Fred Armisen Loretta…..Rachel Dratch Leslie…..Chris Parnell John George Peppers…..Will Forte Missy Peppers…..Tina Fey
[open on exterior of home with Christmas decorations]
[dissolve to interior with a large group of people, and a glass bowl on a table in the center of the room]
Kathy: [laughs] Okay, everyone, gather around. I think it’s time that we start this key party.
Ted: Okay, I want to talk through the rules one more time. All the men will put their keys in the bowl, and then the women will pick a set, we’ll break into pairs, and I think you know what happens then.
Kathy: Yeah. There are three bedrooms open upstairs, an air bed in the den, and an upside-down kiddie pool in the garage.
Ted: And try to keep it down, because Kathy’s mom is upstairs, and she is sleeping.
Kathy: Yup.
Owen: [aside to Carol] You know what, maybe this isn’t such a good idea.
Carol: [aside to Owen with ungainly, blaring voice used throughout skit] Don’t get cold feet now, honey. We talked about this. Our love is strong enough for us to share our love and our bodies with others.
Ted: Now, I know all of you by your online chat room names, but maybe it’s best if we run through our real names one more time.
Cheyenne: Cheyenne.
Victor: Victor.
Loretta: Loretta.
Leslie: Leslie.
John: John George Peppers.
Missy: Missy Peppers. [speaking through clenched teeth and with a slight speech impediment, used throughout the skit]
Owen: Owen.
Carol: Carol.
Ted: And I’m Ted, and this is my wife Kathy. And I must say, I’m very happy with tonight’s turnout. The fear has always been that a bunch of freaks are going to show up to these things.
Kathy: Yeah, it’s a really good group tonight, you guys. Great sexual energy.
Carol: I forgot everybody’s names. Let’s do the list again.
Cheyenne: Cheyenne.
Victor: Victor.
Loretta: Loretta.
Leslie: Les-lah.
John: John George Peppers.
Missy: Missy Peppers.
Owen: Owen.
Carol: Carol.
Ted: And I’m Ted, and this is Kathy. Now, we were very clear on the e-vite that everyone needed to come up with a safe word.
Kathy: Yeah, a safe word is just in case you’re in the middle of sex play or a scenario that’s making you uncomfortable and you want to stop.
Ted: So before we pair off, let’s go once and say our safe words.
Cheyenne: Parachute.
Victor: Nunchucks.
Loretta: Razzmatazz.
Leslie: Filibuster.
John: John George Peppers.
Missy: Popcorn.
Owen: Submarine.
Carol: Supercagifragilisticexpealidocious. [sic]
Ted: Mine is “more.”
Kathy: And mine is “harder.”
[Ted and Kathy laugh]
Ted: We’re just kidding. We do not have safe words.
Kathy: No, there’s nothing you can do to me that can make me feel uncomfortable.
Ted: Trust me, I’ve tried. I love you. [hugs her]
Owen: [aside to Carol] Baby, I don’t think this is such a good idea.
Carol: [aside to Owen] But I want to do this! I think it will be good for our relationship, because I love you, and I want to learn how to do other things to you.
Owen: [aside to Carol] Come on, let’s just go home. I’ll light some candles, I’ll slip you out of that girdle, flip on “The Jimmy Kimmel Show,” and our bodies will become one, baby.
Carol: [aside to Owen] But I want to do this. [to all] Oh, boy! The safe words made me forget your real names. Tell me again.
Cheyenne: Cheyenne.
Victor: Victor.
Loretta: Loretta.
Leslie: Les-lie.
John: John George Peppers.
Missy: Missy Peppers.
Owen: Owen.
Carol: Carol.
Ted: And I’m Ted, and this is Kathy.
Carol: Oh, boy. Now I forgot the safe words again. Say them!
Cheyenne: Parachute.
Victor: Nunchucks.
Loretta: Razzmatazz.
Leslie: Fie-la-booster.
John: John George Peppers.
Missy: Popcorn. [crosses her fists in front of her chest]
Carol: I want to go first, ’cause I want to have sex with a stranger.
Owen: Baby, wait. Wait. [while Owen speaks, carol touches his face tenderly] When I married you, I knew I was the luckiest bastard on the face of the Earth. And I swore I would do whatever it takes to make you happy. And if that means you need to do this, well, all I can ask is that you promise me you won’t fall in love with anyone else!
Carol: No can do! [pushes Owen onto the couch] Give me all the keys! [picks up the bowl of keys and lifts one set] Ew! These are yours! [throws them at Owen] Come on, everybody! [barrels up the stairs]
Kathy: [brightly] Oh, it’s an orgy!
Carol: It’s an orgy!
[everybody but Owen and Missy follow Carol upstairs]
Owen: [rests his head glumly on the banister, and then looks at Missy, tosses his keys in the air and catches them] Well, why not? Do you want to move to the couch? [puts an arm around Missy]
Missy: Popcorn! Popcorn! [crosses her fists in front of her chest while pulling away from Owen]
Colin Farrell: Thanks to Scissor Sisters, Lindsay Lohan, and Brent Hull. And everyone here – the cast and crew of SNL – for supplying me with one of the finest weeks I’ve ever had, I shit you not.
[ Lindsay Lohan laughs. Ana Matronic of Scissor Sisters facetiously covers her mouth in mock horror ]
And thanks a million, everyone – seriously, thanks a lot.
[We see a screen that says “Univision” and then we hear mariachi music playing as we see the words “Show Biz Grande Explosion” on the screen.]
Manuel: Welcome to Show Biz Grande Explosion! Here is your host, straight from Goofball Island Fericito!
[Mariachi music plays, and Fericito runs out from behind a curtain.]
Fericito: Hey! Let’s get a beat going! C’mon. [Beats drum sticks together] Let’s hear it!
[He starts drumming. The crowd claps along.]
Fericito: Did you feel it?
Audience: Yeah!
Fericito: Did you feel it?
Audience: Yeah!
Fericito: All right. Did you hear about these baseball guys? Barry Bonds admitted to using eh-steroids. Hey Barry, the next time you get ‘roid rage, do what I do. Use Preparation H. [drums bah-dah-dah-ching] Aye Dios Mio!
Manuel: [laughing] Preparation H. That’s great.
Fericito: Manuel, do you even know what Preparation H is?
Manuel: [looks confused and caught off guard] Um, President Bush?
Fericito: President Bush?! Manuel is so dumb.
Manuel: How dumb is he?
Fericito: I’m talking about you! [motions at Manuel]
Manuel: Oh. How dumb is he?
Fericito: Manuel is so dumb; when he hears it’s chilly outside, he grabs a spoon! [drums bah-dah-dah-ching!] Aye Dios Mio!
Manuel: No chili on a show night. [laughs and points behind him at his bandmates] For these guys’ sake. [laughs, then whispers] Because of the fartalitos.
Fericito: [laughing] All right, give it up for Manuel Pantalones and His Mariachis.
[The band plays, Fericito sits down at his desk.]
Fericito: How was your weekend, Manuel?
Manuel: It was all right, you know. I wish I had better credit though.
Fericito: Manuel is so poor; he puts his cheeseburgers on layaway. [drums bah-dah-dah-ching!] Aye Dios Mio!
Manuel: [looks sad] That’s not cool man.
Fericito: [throws arms in the air] I’m just keeeeding!
Manuel: [laughs hard] Okay.
Fericito: My first guest is the lead singer for a group called U2. Please welcome Bono!
[Mariachi band plays, and Bono comes out from behind the curtain, shakes Fericito’s hand and does a little hop on one foot.]
Fericito: So Bono. What kind of a name is this? Are you a clown?
Bono: I’m many things. I’m a showman, a shaman, a madman, a sad man-
Fericito: [cuts Bono off mid-sentence] Okay, okay, I get it. Eh, why do you wear these uh-sunglasses?
Bono: Oh, you mean my shades?
Fericito: Yes. Is it too bright in here?
Bono: No.
Fericito: Are you blind?
Bono: No.
Fericito: Did you have surgery for cataracts?
Bono: [laughing] No.
Fericito: Did you have migraines?
Bono: No. [waves him off]
Manuel: Are you a California Raisin?
Bono: No.
Fericito: [looks irritated at Manuel] Manuel! I conduct the interviews, okay?! I’m sorry, Bono. That was very unprofessional. Are you cross-eyed?
Bono: No.
Fericito: Well, maybe we’ll never know. You are a mystery man, and I like that about you. Let me ask you about this thing you have here, the special iPod.
Bono: Yes. The lovely people at Apple have an exclusive iPod for U2. It can hold 5000 songs. It’s a beautiful thing.
Fericito: I agree. I have one myself. It is a special Fericito iPod from the people at Sanyo.
[Fericito holds up a cassette recorder with a microphone.]
Fericito: Look at this. It holds 15 songs, and [flips it over to display some wallet sized photos] look at that, your photos too.
Bono: Does your iPod have our songs on it?
Fericito: No, but I can download it right now.
[Fericito holds the microphone out to Bono.]
Fericito: You can sing into here, and you can do the song “Vertigo.”
Bono: I don’t have a band.
Fericito: That’s okay. I’ll play the drums.
[Bono takes the recorder and microphone and begins to sing “Vertigo.”]
Bono: Uno, dos, tres, quatorce-
Fericito: Hold it, hold on. [puts his hand up] Let’s think about this for a moment. Uh, the beginning of the song you are speaking Spanish, right? You are counting, and you say ‘Uno, dos, tres,’ which means
Bono: One, two, three.
Fericito: Right. And then you say ‘quatorce,’ which means
Bono: Fourteen [pointing slyly at Fericito like he’s so cool.]
Fericito: All right, so one, two, three, fourteen. Does that seem a little odd to you?
Bono: I know it doesn’t make sense, but music is about the expression and the rhythm of words. It’s about attitude.
Fericito: Senor Bono, the Spanish language is a very serious thing. To use it so carelessly is an insult to me and the entire Latin community! It’s just not professional!
Bono: [holds up the V/peace sign] Well, I’m deeply sorry. It was never my intention to offend anyone.
Fericito: Bono, [throws hand up] I’m just keeeeding!
Bono: [laughing] Aw, Fericito, man, you’re one of a kind, a true entertainer. Now, why don’t we rock this crowd? [U2’s “Vertigo” begins to play.]
Fericito: Let’s do it!
[They both jump up. The music is playing. Fericito is drumming, and Bono is dancing around singing as the scene ends.]
Man…..Colin Farrell Old Woman…..Rachel Dratch Karen…..Amy Poehler Male Traveler…..Fred Armisen Security Guard #1…..Finesse Mitchell Security Guard #2…..Rob Riggle
[open on airport runway]
[dissolve to security checkpoint with indistinct announcements audible over PA system]
Man: Holiday travel. What a bitch, right?
Old Woman: Last year, they checked for explosives in my wig.
Karen: Can you step forward, please, sir? [man steps forward, and the metal detector beeps] Okay, I’m going to have to ask you to step over here, please, sir.
Man: Yeah, okay, but can we hurry this up? I think my flight’s boarding.
Karen: Sir, we can’t hurry safety, okay? I’m going to ask you to stand, feet shoulder width apart. Put your arms straight out and palms up.
[man assumes this position, and Karen moves a wand around his body, producing a loud electronic sound]
Man: That must be that metal plate in my head.
Karen: Wait a minute, sir, is that a joke?
Man: Yeah, it is.
Karen: Yeah, we take jokes very seriously here. Okay, I’m going to have to conduct a body search.
Man: All right.
Karen: Are you comfortable with me doing a body search?
Man: I think so.
Karen: Would you rather have a male officer do the body search?
Man: Is there one around?
Karen: I can get one.
Man: How long will that take? [puts his hands in his pockets]
Karen: Forty-five minutes to an hour.
Man: Okay, never mind, you can do the body search.
Karen: Okay, here’s what’s going to happen. I’m going to pat you down with my hands over your clothes. When I get to a sensitive area, I’m going to be using only the back of my hand. Back of my hand. Back of my hand only. [gestures from the back of each hand to the other] Are you comfortable with this?
Man: Yeah, I think so.
Karen: May I approach you at this time?
Man: Yes, please, I’m very late.
Karen: I’m going to start sir, just by–arms out, please [man raises his arms again]–I’m just going to start by checking your arms, checking your arms, using the back of my hand. [does so] Very official, okay? And, just your chest. Checking your chest, only with the back of my hand. [does so]
Man: Hey, you don’t have to explain every time.
Karen: Sir, yes, yes I do. Okay, all right. I want you to turn around and I’m going to check your back pockets, sir, again using only the back of my hand. [does so] So, just checking the back pockets, checking it with the back of the hand, and now I’m going to use the front of my hand. [gently grasps his buttock] Okay, sir, and then I need to use the front of both my hands, sir, just for a second, all right. Sir, I feel something, okay, so, very professional here, just standard procedure, I’m going to have to grab, grab and squeeze that area, grab it and squeeze it, sir. [does so] All right, still very professional, just grabbing and squeezing. And to confirm that you’re all clear, sir, just one final pinch, and– [pinches man’s buttocks, and he jumps]
Man: Great, so I’m all done?
Karen: Sir, I wish, okay. I’m going to need to search your lower torso with my inner thigh. Stand here please, sir. [straddles him in a standing position] Just standard operating procedure, official business. Do you have any tattoos, sir?
Man: Yeah, is that a problem?
Karen: Not for me. Okay, sir, I’m just going to pat down your area here. [places her hands under his crotch]
Man: Okay, look, now I’m uncomfortable with this.
Karen: Well, that’s perfect timing, because we’re done, sir.
Man: Okay, so I’ll just grab my bag.
Karen: With the first half of the body search, okay. Could you sit down for me, sir, please? [indicates a set of chairs]
Man: For the love of Pete, I’m afraid I’m going to miss me flight!
Karen: And I’m afraid you’re a security threat. A sexy, charming, security threat. Have a seat, sir. [he does so] Lift your right foot, please? [he does so] Great, and your left. [he does so] Okay, sir, thank you, you can put your foot down. I’m just going to take a seat on your lap here. [does so] Sir, again, using only the back of my hand, I am going to search up your shirt. [sticks her arm up his shirt at the waist] Patting, patting. And I am going to gently rub my hand through your hair, sir. [does so] And then with the back of my hand I’m just going to trace the outline of your face. [touches his cheek and mouth] All right, just going against the grain of your beard.
Man: What are you looking for?
Karen: Sir, could you not talk, please? It kind of ruins it for me.
Man: [shocked] What?!
[male traveler walks through the metal detector, setting it off, and he looks expectantly at Karen]
Karen: [indifferently] What?
Male Traveler: Don’t you have to search me?
Karen: Oh, yeah. Come here. [grazingly touches his chest and stomach in two or three places] Yeah, you’re good.
Man: [indignantly] Okay, now that was ridiculous!
Karen: Sir, I’m going to have to ask you to be quiet, and maintain eye contact with me at all times. Because, don’t forget, it’s just about you and me, buddy, all right? And my name is Karen, so if at any point you want to say my name and lick your lips, that’s totally cool with me. Just a security procedure, sir, and for the last thing what I need to do is I’m going to search the inside of your mouth with my mouth. [leans in to kiss him]
Man: Okay, that’s enough! I’m officially uncomfortable! [stands, causing Karen to fall from his lap]
[two security guards arrive]
Security Guard #1: All right, Karen, let’s go. What are you doing?
Karen: I wasn’t doing anything! I was protecting these people!
Security Guard #2: Karen, you were fired three years ago. You can’t keep showing up and searching men.
Karen: Only using the back of my hand!
Security Guard #1: Let’s go. [leaves with Karen]
Man: Thank you, officer. Can I grab me bags now?
Security Guard #2: Yes, but first I’m going to have to ask you to go ahead and take your pants off and suck your thumb like a baby.
[the man moves as if he’s about to lift his shirt to get at his pants, and then stops and looks at the security guard in puzzlement]
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Air Date:
Pentagon Press BriefingSummary: In a near-repeat of an opening sketch two years ago, Craig Fenson (Robert De Niro) returns to read the names of more naughtily-named terrorists.
