SNL Tonight

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 7


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:



Bit Players:


December 11th, 2004

Colin Farrell

Scissor Sisters

None

Lindsay Lohan

Brett Hull

John Lutz
Kuwait BriefingSummary: Donald Rumsfeld (Darrell Hammond) jerks the troops in Kuwait around while delivering a briefing.

Recurring Characters: Donald Rumsfeld.

Transcript

Montage

Colin Farrell’s MonologueSummary: Colin Farrell shows SNL’s male cast members how to pick up on Lindsay Lohan.

Bio: Colin Farrell (1976-). Irish-born actor; films include “Phone Booth” (2002), “Minority Report” (2002), and “The Recruit” (2003).

Turlington’s Lower Back Tattoo RemoverSummary: Dr. Edward Turlington’s (Chris Parnell) lotion erases Mom’s (Amy Poehler) youthful attempts at coolness.

Note: Repeat from 03r.

Big Roach ProblemSummary: After bringing his date (Amy Poehler) back to his apartment, a man (Colin Farrell) must dispose of a big roach (Horatio Sanz).

Transcript

¡Show Biz Grande Explosion!Summary: Ferecito (Fred Armisen) interviews Bono (Colin Farrell).

Recurring Characters: Ferecito, Manuel Pantalones, Bono.

Transcript

Airport SecuritySummary: A female security officer (Amy Poehler) feels up a handsome man (Colin Farrell) under the guise of national security.

Transcript

Scissor Sisters perform “Take Your Mama”Bio: Gender-bender rockers from New York; members: singers Jake Shears and Ana Matronic, keyboardist/bassist Babydaddy, guitarists Del Marquis and Derek G, and drummer Paddy Boom.

Weekend Update with Tina Fey & Amy PoehlerSummary: Hockey star Brett Hull gives his thoughts on the hockey lockout and gay marriage in Canada. Tina Fey and Amy Poehler announce that they are mentoring Lindsay Lohan over the Christmas holidays. Colin Farrell gives a tongue-in-cheek review of “Alexander.”

Bio: Brett Hull (1964-). Athlete; National Hockey League player; son of hockey player Bobby Hull, and nephew of hockey player Dennis Hull; Stanley Cup winner as member of the Red Wings in 2002.

Transcript

Key PartySummary: A quintent of weird couples participate in a wife-swap party.

Note: Seth Meyers would later pitch this sketch idea to Paramount Studios as a feature-length film to be produced by Lorne Michaels and Broadway Video.

Transcript

Human Interest StorySummary: A reporter (Colin Farrell) tries to interview a window-washer (Kenan Thompson) on a shaky scaffold.

Pat ‘N Patti’s Slacks, Snacks, & Knick Knack ShackSummary: Pat (Horatio Sanz) and Patti’s (Maya Rudolph) merchandising is based on a rhyme-scheme.

Recurring Characters: Pat, Patti.

Transcript

Scissor Sisters perform “Comfortably Numb”

Merv the PervSummary: Merv (Chris Parnell) and his British cousin (Colin Farrell) hit on women at the office Christmas party.

Recurring Characters: Merv the Perv.

Note: This sketch was originally written as a Halloween party for the Jude Law episode, but was cut after dress rehearsal.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

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Dress Rehearsal Cuts

Oil RigSummary: Workers on an oil rig are revealed to be actors playing the part.

“The Apprentice” PromoSummary: While dressed as Santa Claus, Donald Trump (Darrell Hammond) records a new promo for “The Apprentice.”

Recurring Characters: Donald Trump.

Note: This sketch will air in next week’s episode hosted by Robert De Niro.

Bear CitySummary: Frustration culminates when a bear tries to get cigarettes from a gas station.

Note: This short film will air in the episode hosted by Paris Hilton.

OprahSummary: Oprah Winfrey (Maya Rudolph) interviews the cast of “Ocean’s 12”, making other Colin Farrell feel out of place.

Recurring Characters: Oprah Winfrey.

Bear CitySummary: In a pinch, a bear uses the handicapped toilet, only to be confronted by a bear in a wheelchair.

Note: This short film will air in the episode hosted by David Spade.

Tom Brokaw, RetireeSummary: Tom Brokaw (Chris Parnell) enjoys retired life and calls Brian Williams (Seth Meyers) to say hello.

Recurring Characters: Tom Brokaw, Brian Williams

Bear CitySummary: Christian bears accidentally sing Christmas carols for a Jewish bear household.

Note: This short film will air in next week’s episode hosted by Robert De Niro.

Drunk DialingSummary: Colin Farrell warns against making drunken crank calls on their cell phones.

Bear CitySummary: A bear has difficulty putting up Christmas lights on his house.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 6

04f: Luke Wilson / U2

Weekend Update with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler

…..Tina Fey
…..Amy Poehler
Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger…..Darrell Hammond
Janitor…..Maya Rudolph
Dan Schwarz…..Fred Armisen

Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, it’s “Weekend Update,” with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler!

[cheers and applause]

Amy Poehler: I’m Amy Poehler.

Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey. Here are tonight’s top stories:

This week, Bill Clinton’s presidential library in Little Rock, Arkansas, was officially opened, during a ceremony attended by dignitaries like Jesse Jackson, John Glenn, and the cast of “Desperate Housewives.” [picture of First Ladies Rosalynn Carter, Hillary Rodham Clinton, Barbara Bush and Laura Bush]

The Clinton Library contains over eighty million pages of documents, and will have one alcove dedicated to the Lewinsky scandal, just like the Oval Office did.

Amy Poehler: President Bush nominated Condoleezza Rice as his new Secretary of State this week, saying that she would be “America’s face to the world.” While Cheney will remain the finger.

When asked why he chose Rice to replace Colin Powell, the president responded, “Well, once you go black…” [applause]

Tina Fey: Hooray!

Advertisers launched a campaign this week to amend the Constitution so that foreign-born citizens can run for President. Here to defend the ads, the governor of California, Arnold Schwarzenegger.

[pan to Arnold; applause]

Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger: Hello Tina, Amy. Trust me when I say this, nothing I love more than the Constitution of the United States of America, what with the We the Peoples, and the more perfect unions, and the domestic tranquilities, and all of these things. But the Constitution as it is written now says I can’t be president, because I was born in Austria. This may have made sense- [clears his throat] in the days of the kings, and the ships, and the girly men with the wigs, and the wooden teeth out there.

Tina Fey: Yeah, but- but don’t you think it’s a little bit reckless to change the Constitution?

Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger: Tina, so what that I’m Austrian? I mean, Tom Arnold was born in America. Do you want him to be your president? No! My friends, the time has come for change. The Constitution has changed many times! You know, what with the Indians, and the slaveries, and the telling the ladies they can vote, and the not being able to drinkings, and things of that nature.

I mean, if the Constitution hadn’t changed, then the Condoleezza Rices and the Colin Powells wouldn’t be allowed to do the votings and the drinking out there. Listen, listen to me, the change has been important in America! You know, with the riotings, and the front of the buses, and the havings of the dreams, and all of these things.

And now it’s time for change again, so we can allow the natural progression of freedoms, from the blacks, to the womens, to the gays, to the Austrians out there. I know what a lot of you are thinking. “This man’s from the future! He means us harm out there”—

Tina Fey: Yes, ac- actually, that is what I was thinking.

Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger: Trust me, Tina, when I say to you, that was just a role I played in a movie. And furthermore, that was not even a man from the future, that was a robot from the future! So you can throw that whole argument into the garbage. But one thing I will never throw into the garbage is the Constitution, because I’m the Constitutionator! [laughs]

Tina Fey: Future President Arnold Schwarzenegger, everyone! [applause]

Amy Poehler: The Constitutionator!

Pfizer has agreed to pull its “Wild Thing” Viagra television ads Monday after the FDA complained that they made the impotence drug sound like a recreational sex aide, and not the preferred form of grandma abuse that it is.

They’ve also decided—[cracks up] Pfizer has also decided to drop the idea of changing the name of the drug to “Boi-oi-oi-oi-oing.”

During his acceptance speech at the American Music Awards, OutKast’s Big Boi paid tribute to former Wu-Tang Clan member Ol’ Dirty Bastard. And that’s this week’s Story That Won’t Make Sense to my Mom.

Hi Mom!

Tina Fey: Yeah, Amy’s mom!

This week, penny collector Gene Sukie went to the bank and cashed in ten thousand pounds of pennies he had collected over 34 years, which were worth over fourteen thousand dollars. And, of course, I was in line behind him.

With U.S. forces securing the insurgent stronghold of Fallujah this week, violence broke out in other cities, including Mosul and Detroit.

Amy Poehler: Wow!

The University of Great Falls in Montana has received a 2.3-million-dollar donation from the will of a former janitor at the school. So see, everybody, janitors do like being ignored while emptying your trash basket.

[Janitor enters, rolling a large trash can with her. She quietly empties two smaller wastepaper baskets under the desk into the can. Tina and Amy avoid eye contact. As the janitor exits, they suddenly call out to her]

Thank you! Thank you!

Tina Fey: Oh, thank you so much! Thank you so much!

Amy Poehler: Thank you.

Tina Fey: [laughs] William Safire, the conservative voice at the New York Times, announced that he will stop writing his Op-Ed column in January. Upon hearing the news, fellow columnist Maureen Dowd said, [removes her glasses, sighs, and speaks in a sultry voice] “That’s really…interesting…” [puts her glasses back on]

Amy Poehler: It was revealed this week that David Lee Roth has been training in New York to become an EMT. It’s not going well. [picture of David in his Van Halen outfit jumping out of an ambulance] Lee Roth, he’s jumpin’ outta the back of the ambulance!

Amtrak conductors have begun random checks of passengers’ identities as a precaution against terrorist attacks. Great news, because Amtrak is still my favorite way to travel. [begins to sing] Amtrak, America’s way to travel with weed! [some applause]

Tina Fey: American Airlines has begun offering passengers on-demand movies. Unfortunately, they no longer offer flights. [some applause] One or the other.

Amy Poehler: The holiday season officially kicks off next weekend with what is traditionally the biggest shopping day of the year. Here to talk about some of this year’s hot new toys is Dan Schwarz of the American Toy Manufacturer’s Association. Dan?

[pan to Dan; applause]

Dan Schwarz: Thank you. Hello Amy and Tina, it’s great to be here. Now look, I’m just a big kid at heart, and I can’t wait to show you my favorite toys from this year!

Amy Poehler: Oh, there’s some pretty good ones out this year, isn’t there?

Dan Schwarz: Absolutely. And now, one toy that I’m really excited about is this, OK? [holds up a small toy] This is called Bump-It. OK, it’s kinda like Simon, but with a wacky twist. Check it out!

[starts the toy. It calls out commands, such as “Bump it!” and “Twist it!” Dan follows these commands]

Amy Poehler: Cool!

Dan Schwarz: Alright, why don’t you give it a try, Amy? C’mon, it’s a lot of fun.

Amy Poehler: OK! Alright.

Dan Schwarz: Just do what it says.

[Amy starts the toy and follows the commands.]

You’re really good, Amy!

Tina Fey: Good!

Amy Poehler: Thanks!

[the toy calls out “Pull it!” repeatedly]

Is it- is it supposed to do that?

Dan Schwarz: It might be stuck or something. Let me see it. [handles the toy for a moment, then gives it back to Amy] Try it again.

[Amy continues to pull on the toy. It begins to cry, “Ooh! Yes! Pull it!” Amy puts the toy down]

Amy Poehler: Oh, alright! Hold on! [The toy stops. Applause]

Tina Fey: That looks fun.

Amy Poehler: No. I don’t think—it sounded like it said “Oh yeah,” or something like that. I don’t think it’s supposed to do that, ‘cause I don’t like that.

Dan Schwarz: OK. Well, maybe it’s broken. Let me- let me give it a little try over here. Here we go.

[starts the machine, but it calls out “No! No!”]

Amy Poehler: OK, alright.

Dan Schwarz: It’s not working. I don’t know—

Amy Poehler: Yeah, OK. This is the most popular toy? What is fun about this?

[pulls on the toy again. It shouts “Pull it! Yes! Like that!” louder and louder until it ends in a final orgasmic moan. Amy puts the toy down again]

That is gross! Got out of here, you pervert! God! For “Weekend Update,” I’m Amy Poehler.

Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey. Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.

[cheers and applause; fade]

Transcribed by: Michael C. Arroyo

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 6

04f: Luke Wilson / U2

Coolest Teacher At Benton Township High School

Mr. J…..Seth Meyers
Gino…..Horatio Sanz
Kelly…..Amy Poehler
Wally…..Kenan Thompson
Fred…..Fred Armisen
Phil/Mr. Gruber…..Luke Wilson
Principal…..Chris Parnell

[ open on exterior, Benton Township High School ]

[ dissolve to interior, Mr. J’s classroom, as the bell rings and the students rush in ]

Mr. J: Gino! How are you, my man! Okay, good to see you. Kelly! There’s my volleyball star! Wally, can I get a word with you?

Wally: Oh, uh, you know, if this is about my paper, I’ll have it by Friday, I promise.

Mr. J: Take it easy, dawg! I just wanted ot thank you for the recommendation on the Snoop album, it was totally dope! Anyways, I’ve got a friend at the radio station, and he came through with.. a couple of tickets. [ shows Wally the tickets ]

Wally: Oh, man! Mr. J, you’re the coolest teacher in school!

[ zoom on Mr. J’s face as he smirks playfully for the camera ]

[ cut to opening montage over jingle ]

Jingle:
“He sits backwards in his chair
He throws out his hand.
Another party in the woods,
He’s totally there!
He’s Mr. J!
The Coolest Teacher at Benton Township High School!”

[ dissolve back to the class in session ]

Mr. J: So that’s why I decided you’re all getting A’s. The assignment was to write about yourself, and any teacher who tells you how to write about you is full of B.S. And I think we all know what those two letters stand for.

Class: Yeah!!

Wally: I do know what those letters stand for!

Mr. J: Wally, I love it!

Phil: [ knocks on the open door ] Hey. I’m looking for, uh, Room 325.

Mr. J: Oh, I’ve seen that look before. New student, am I right?

Phil: Actually, I’m the new history teacher, dude.

Mr. J: Oh? Oh, you must be Mr. Roberts. I’m Mr. Jenkins, but the kids call me Mr. J!

Phil: Oh, what are you, like, the so-called “cool” teacher?

Mr. J: Is it that obvious?

Phil: Yeah, that tie’s really dope. [ to the class ] Uh, hey, guys, my name’s Mr. Roberts, but you can call me Phil. I don’t really dig last names.

Kelly: Wow! He told us his first name!

[ the rest of the class is equally impressed ]

Phil: And, homies, I’ve got a news flash for ya’: you used to be the cool teacher here.

[ cut to new opening montage over jingle ]

Jingle:
“He doesn’t believe in his task
He goes hiking in the wild
He shot a nature movie with a ladies’ bare breast!
He’s Mr. – what’s that?!
He don’t dig last names.
He’s Phil!
The New Coolest Teacher in the School!”

[ dissolve back to the classroom ]

Mr. J: Sorry about the mix-up there, Phil, but, to be honest, you don’t really dress much like a teacher.

Phil: Hey, I dress like a human being. How people deal with it is their problem. Am I right, guys?

Gino: Yeah! He’s being a human being!

Mr. J: Gino, calm down.

Gino: You always said say how you feel! Yeah? Well, I feel like I’m in prison! This is worse than Nazi Germany!

Phil: Hey, I got a question for ya’, Mr. J. Can you tell me what all these pre-adults are doing in this stuffy classroom, when it’s so damn beautiful outside?

Kelly: [ impressed ] Did you guys hear that? He called us “pre-adults”! He respects us too much to call us kids!

Fred: And he said “damn!”

Mr. J: Hey, I say “damn.” Remember that time I slammed my finger in the drawer, and I used the S-word? Come on! You guys remember, it was — [ a book is thrown at him ] Hey! Hey!

Phil: Let me yell ya’ a little bit about my class: no grades, no tests, no papers. We just talk about history. About love, about life. ‘Cause that’s education! Also: I don’t sit at a desk, and neither do you. I don’t believe in them. I think desks are cages, but with chairs attached and a place to put your pencil.

Class: Yeah!

Gino: Whoo-hoo, yeah! No desks!!

[ Horatio Sanz tosses his desk out the back window, bumping it into the fake styrofoam wall behind them. The audience cracks up at the near-blooper; Luke Wilson is clearly astonished as well. ]

Mr. J: Gino, I’m gonna ask that you cool it way down!

Gino: I’m gonna ask you to loosen it up, okay? Mr.. J! Because! Mr. Phil’s the cool guy now! [ cracks up ]

Phil: Hey, dude, it’s just Phil. And, you’re right – you should be cool like me! Yeah.

Mr. J: Hey! I am cool! I’ll have you know I took this whole class to see a production of “Hair”!

Phil: [ laughing ] Really? My grandma loves that play!

[ the class laughs at Mr. J, as Phil pops a can of beer ]

Wally: Hey, he’s drinking a beer in class! That’s awesome!

Mr. J: [ unimpressed ] It’s 8:20 in the morning.

Phil: Hey! You should drink a beer, too, bro! [ tosses a beer to Wally ] If you’re old enough to vote, in my book, that means you’re old enough to vote! Cheers!

Class: Yeah!! Alright!!

Mr. J: No, no, he’s not right! You guys are sophomores! The only people old enough to drink in this room are me and him and Gino.

[ without having been tossed one, Gino pops open a beer and kicks it back ]

Phil: Wow. Yeah, you really love labeling people. If you love labels so much, maybe you should marry one! [ laughs ]

[ the class laughs along with Phil ]

Kelly: Yeah! You should go marry your labels!

Mr. J: [ trying not to crack himself up ] Alright. I’m sorry to have let you guys down. But I promised myself that I would leave if I ever started to bum you out, so.. I guess I’ll just be going..

[ suddenly, the Principal runs into the classroom with a pair of policemen ]

Principal: That’s him, Officers! That’s the imposter!

Mr. J: Imposter? No, that’s Mr. Roberts, the new History teacher.

Principal: No! Actually, he’s not! [ pulls off Phil’s wig ]

Mr. J: Mr. Gruber!! The science teacher!!

Kelly: What?! He’s the meanest teacher in school!

[ close-up of Mr. Gruber’s sneer ]

Mr. Gruber: And I almost got away with it, too! Well, at least for one day, I was cooler than you, Mr. J!

Principal: Well.. we’ll let you get back to your class.

Mr. Gruber: Just because I’m going to jail, doesn’t mean you’re not having tests on Monday! And, Gino, you still need a B to graduate!

[ Mr. Gruber is dragged out of the classroom ]

Wally: Wow. Sorry about that, Mr. J. You’re still gonna take us camping?

Mr. J: Of course, I will, Wally. Of course I will.

Kelly: Are you still gonna take me to get my abortion?

Mr. J: With a smile on my face!

[ close-up of Mr. J’s fresh-faced smile ]

Jingle:
“He’s Mr. J!
The Coolest Teacher at Benton Township High School!”

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 6

04f: Luke Wilson / U2

The Restaurant

Steve’s Date…..Amy Poehler
Jeff…..Luke Wilson
Steve…..Rob Riggle
Jeff’s Date…..Maya Rudolph
Waiter…..Will Forte

[open on restaurant exterior with lit sign: “T. Mackeys”]

[dissolve to interior, with four people sitting at a table]

Steve’s Date: …so I said, “Parasailing? Are you out of your mind?”

[all laugh]

[waiter arrives with appetizer platter]

Jeff: Uh-oh! The food’s here! Make room, everybody.

Steve: All right, this looks wonderful! Yeah.

Jeff’s Date: So tell me again: You two have really known each other since pre-school?

Steve: Yep, yep. We’ve been best buds since…

Jeff: …we were in underoos.

Steve: See? See? This guy finishes…

Jeff: …my sentences!

[Jeff and Steve laugh]

Steve: Come here, you. [they hug]

Both Women: Awwwww!

Jeff’s Date: Look at those two! It is so sweet!

Steve’s Date: I know. All I do with my best girlfriends is argue and talk about them behind their back.

Jeff’s Date: Yeah.

Jeff: So, what are we waiting for? Let’s dig in!

Steve: Yeah!

Steve’s Date: Okay!

[all begin eating and making appreciative eating sounds]

Steve: Oh, this empanada is out of this world!

Jeff: You know, I’m not an empanda fan?

All: What? Really?!

Steve: Now, be honest; have you ever tried an empanada?

Jeff: [points at Steve] You got me! I haven’t.

Steve: All right, all right. Well, here we go. Try one.

Jeff: Okay.

Steve: [lifts an empanada from the tray] Well, here, try that.

[Steve feeds the empanada directly into Jeff’s mouth]

Jeff: [makes “mmmmm” sound] Boy, that is tasty. [Jeff’s date smiles benignly, while Steve’s date eyes the men warily] Can I try it with a little sauce?

Steve: Hell, yeah! You gotta try the tapenade.

Jeff: Let me try that.

Steve: [dips an empanada in tapenade and brings it to Jeff’s mouth] Oh-oh-oh! [puts his hand under Jeff’s chin to prevent the tapenade from dripping]

Jeff: [makes “mmmmm” sounds] Yeah, my man! That is good!

Jeff’s Date: [trying to sound breezy while Steve’s date forces a smile] I didn’t know you’d never tried an empanada, honey.

[Jeff continues to eat from Steve’s hand, and doesn’t respond]

Jeff’s Date: [tucks her tongue into her cheek and continues] So, I’m so glad you guys finally made it out to Denver.

Steve’s Date: Yeah! “Mile-High City.”

Jeff’s Date: Yeah.

Steve: Man, what did I tell you?

Jeff: Damn, that empanada was good!

Steve: Yeah.

Jeff: It’s like a fried pie, but it’s got meat in it. You want to try it?

Steve: Hell, yeah! But dip it in that salsa there.

Jeff: As directed, my man. [dips an empanada in salsa] As directed. [brings the empanada to Steve’s mouth, putting his hand under Steve’s chin]

Steve: [closes his eyes] All right.

Jeff: [accidentally smears some salsa on Steve’s chin] Oh, oops, you got a little on your chin.

Steve: Oh, where?

Jeff: Right there brother. I got it. [uses the empanada to wipe the salsa from Steve’s chin]

Steve: Damn good, my man.

Jeff’s Date: You know what? I’d like to try one of those empanadas, too. [leans over the table and opens her mouth expectantly]

Jeff: What’s wrong with you–your arms broken? They’re right there, babe. Man, that’s good stuff. [pats Steve on the back]

Steve: That is good stuff. Here you go, my friend.

Jeff: Oh, thank you.

[Jeff and Steve continue to feed each other while making “mmmmm” sounds]

Jeff’s Date: So, Jeff tells me you’re district manager for Petland Discounts.

Steve’s Date: [detachedly] Uh, yeah, well, kind of. I run their distribution center.

Jeff’s Date: [weakly] Yeah, that sounds good.

Steve’s Date: Yeah.

Jeff: Hey, buddy, toss me one of them shrimps?

Steve: You want me to hook you up with some of that duck sauce?

Jeff: Hells, yeah.

[dips his index finger in the duck sauce] Why don’t you give it a try first, my friend? [holds his finger up to Jeff’s mouth]

Jeff: I’ll give it a little try. [puts his hand on Steve’s upper wrist, and licks Steve’s finger, shrugs, and licks again] It’s tangy but sweet. [Jeff’s and Steve’s dates are looking on in rapt horror] Actually it tastes more like a honey dijon than a duck sauce. I’m not sure if I like it.

Steve: Take your time, man. Figure it out.

Jeff: Not sure. [grasps Steve’s hand and takes Steve’s entire finger into his mouth while their dates fidget and look away from the men] Yeah, man, you’re right.

Steve’s Date: Uh, so, uh, Steve tells me that you work at a gym.

Jeff’s Date: [flatly] Yeah, uh, yeah, I teach pilates.

Steve’s Date: [dismissively] Yeah, that’s interesting.

Jeff’s Date: Uh-huh.

Jeff: Hey, you know what is looking real good right now?

Steve: What?

Jeff: That Thai chicken skewer.

Steve: Oh, well bro, here it comes. You’re about to take a chicken rod to Thailand. [makes train whistle sound and pumps arm]

Jeff: Oh, this guy.

Steve: Put it there, brother-man.

[lifts the skewer and puts the tip into Jeff’s mouth]

Jeff: Mmmmm–oh! Oh, that is hot!

Steve: What?

Jeff: That is too hot! [fans his mouth]

Steve: Like, heat hot or spice hot? [more emphatically] Heat hot or spice hot?!

Jeff’s Date: Honey, are you okay?

Steve: You stay out of this! Heat hot or spice hot?!

Jeff: Both! Both! Both!

Steve: Well, spit it out! [cups his hands in front of Jeff’s mouth] Just spit it out!

Jeff: No, it’s too hot! It’s gonna burn your hands, buddy! [taps Steve’s hands for emphasis]

Steve: No, no, I got you bro! I got you covered!

[Jeff spits the meat into Steve’s hands]

Steve: Oh, there you go. There you go.

Jeff: Oh, man.

Steve: Oh, it’s okay. Hey, hey, here you go. [gets an ice cube from his glass and brings it to Jeff’s mouth] There you go.

Jeff: [licking the ice] It was so scary man. It’s hot as hell, bro.

Steve: I know, let it out. Let it out! [Jeff puts his hand on Steve’s shoulder and rubs it while Steve rubs Jeff’s back] I know it can be scary when you burn your mouth on something hot.

Jeff: [continuing to lick the ice] Oh, man. You have no idea, bro.

Steve: Yes, it can. Yeah. I’m here. Shhhhh. I’m here. I’m here for you, all right? [looks to the other side of the table and finds it empty] Hey, where did the girls go?

Jeff: Uh, no idea man. No idea. But how about we finish the rest of the margarita? How does that sound?

Steve: Hells, yeah.

Jeff: Good idea.

[they lick the salt from the rim of the glass and begin drinking from the glass at the same time]

[music out: “How Am I Supposed To Live Without You” by Michael Bolton]

[fade to black]

Submitted by: DavidK93

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 6

04f: Luke Wilson / U2

Goodnights

…..Luke Wilson
…..Bono

[ Luke Wilson sits next to Bono on the apron of the stage, the cast standing behind them ]

Luke Wilson: I had a great time. I want to thank U2! [ seems to ask Bono “What do you think?” as the audience cheers and screams ]

[ the other members of U2 play the opening chords to “I Will Follow”, as Bono runs to join them on the band stage and performs the chosen song ]

[ upon the song’s bridge, Bono jumps onto the floor to ham it up some more with the cameras; The Edge follows close behind. The credits begin to roll as Bono sits on the lap of a woman in the audience, bringing her to tears. Bono returns to Home Base to swallow Amy Poehler in a hug as he finishes the song. ]

Bono: Saturday Night Live. Nothing like it. Nowhere else. Saturday Night.. Live! Live! Live! Live!

One more! One more!

[ U2 begins to play another song for the cast and studio, unseen by the home audience when the network feed cuts off ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 6

04f: Luke Wilson / U2

The Falconer

The Falconer…..Will Forte
The Dogger…..Luke Wilson
Vendor…..Horatio Sanz
Contestant…..Kenan Thompson

Announcer: In 1992, Ken Mortimer was an advertising executive in Baltimore, Maryland. Then, for reasons known only to him, he left his wife and career, and moved deep into the forest. Now, he is known only as.. “The Falconer”

[ dissolve to exterior, woods, where The Falconer sits semi-buried under a pile of rocks, Donald perched on his arm ]

The Falconer: Ohhhhh, Donald! It appears that my high-pitched yodeling has caused a rock slide, and now I am in dire straits!

Donald: [ screeches ]

The Falconer: Nooo! By “dire straights”, I do not mean the rock band. But, rather, the band of rocks that have come to rest upon mine body. These rolling stones – again, not the band – have trapped me!

[ a rugged man and his dog enter the scene; the dog walks across the edge of the fake foam rocks, toppling a couple over before sitting on the ground area ]

The Dogger: Oh, I thought I heard voices. Are you all right, stranger?

The Falconer: I’ve been trapped beneath these stones for three days! Who are you?

The Dogger: My name’s not important – but it’s Phil. I’m on my way to a quest for truth. My only companions are my trusty dog, Clancy, and the comforting sounds of my yodeling. [ he yodels ]

The Falconer: Nooooooo!!!! More rocks!!!

[ cut to stock footage of an avalance ]

[ cut back to The Falconer and The Dogger semi-buried together under a greater pile of rocks, as more crash down behind them ]

The Falconer: Oh, that was a great idea! Ohhh!!

The Dogger: No need to get snippy. I’ll just send my dog Clancy to get help.

The Falconer: Oh, thanks, Phil. But never trust a dog to do a falcon’s work. Sure, Clancy can lend a hand, but Donald will take the lead.

The Dogger: We shall see. Go, Clancy! find a way to free us from this rock pile! Go! Go!

[ Clancy runs off ]

The Falconer: Be gone, Donald! Two lives hang in the balaaaaance!!!!

[ Donald clumsily flies off behind Clancy ]

[ Donald and Clancy reach a crossroads, marked by a pair of signs pointing in opposite directions: “” ]

[ Clancy runs offscreen to the right ]

Donald: [ in subtitles ] “Hey Clancy, where you goin’?”

Clancy: [ in subtitles ] “My master needs my help!”

Donald: [ in subtitles ] “Relax, be-otch! A couple extra hours ain’t going to kill ’em.”

Clancy: [ in subtitles ] “You’ve got a valid point. I mean, how often does the state fair come around? Not often enough. And I’m not missing it again. Lead on, my friend!”

[ they journey offscreen to the left ]

[ dissolve to Donald and Clancy at a game booth filled with balloons – “3 darts got 25 cents” ]

Vendor: Step right up! Pop a balloon, win a prize. Step right up!

[ Clancy throws a dart, pops a balloon ]

[ Donald throws a dart, pops the Vendor’s neck ]

Vendor: Owwww!!!

Donald: [ screeches ]

[ dissolve to Donald and Clancy sharing cotton candy ]

[ dissolve to photo booth; Donald Clancy go inside, as Donald closes the curtain ]

[ photo montage: smiling for the camera, eyes covered, tonguing, Donald holding rabbit ears behind Clancy’s head ]

[ dissolve to Pie Eating Contest, Clancy at the bottom of an empty pie pan as Donald and a contestant barely make a dent in their pies ]

[ Clancy is given the blue ribbon after winning the contest ]

Contestant: Oh, man. Congratulations.

[ Clancy licks the contestant’s face ]

[ dissolve to Donald and Clancy riding a roller coaster, their arms high in the air as Donald screeches; Clancy is apparently unfazed by the thrill of the ride ]

[ dissolve to Donald and Clancy getting off the roller coaster; Donald pukes, while Clancy licks up the vomit ]

[ dissolve back to The Falconer and The Dogger passing time as they wait in the rockpile for their faithful animal companions to return ]

The Dogger: — And that’s when I realized that smoked salmon and lox were the same thing.

The Falconer: That was an incredibly long story.

[ Donald’s screeching and Clancy’s barking mark their return ]

The Dogger: Clancy!

The Falconer: Donald!

The Dogger: Clancy! Oh!

The Falconer: Donald, you have returned!

The Dogger: Clancy —

[ the falcon puppet obediently perches upon The Falconer’s arm, but the real dog runs aimlessly about the set ]

The Falconer: Clancy’s back, too! He’s in the.. area!

The Dogger: Come here, boy! Clancy!

[ the dog continues to run aimlessly about the set ]

The Falconer: [ trying to finish the sketch ] Oh! Donald, you have returned! And you —

The Dogger: Clancy!

[ Luke Wilson stretches off-camera to pull the dog by its leash into the sketch ]

The Falconer: Oh! Donald, you have returned! And you brought a stick of dynamite!

The Dogger: Oh, perfect! We will place the dynamite between our bodies and these rocks, and the explosive power will free us! [ lights The Falconer’s stick of dynamite ]

The Falconer: Oh, Dogger – we’re the two luckiest men in the world! [ to Donald ] Donald! Someday, a calamity will befall me that.. even you won’t be able to save me from! But, until that day, you will be the falcon.. and I shall remain..

[ dissolve to title card ]

[ sound of dynamite exploding ]

The Falconer: Ohhhhh…

[ the title card shakes from the explosion ]

Announcer: The Falconer!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 6

04f: Luke Wilson / U2

Business Drinking

Businessman #1…..Luke Wilson
Businessman #2…..Seth Meyers
Businessman #3…..Kenan Thompson
Waitress…..Amy Poehler

[ open on exterior, Hyatt hotel complex]

[ dissolve to interior, a wood-paneled hotel bar and businessmen sitting around a table]

Waitress: Here are your drinks.

Businessman #3: Thanks, and we’re gonna order another round right now.

Businessman #1: Save yourself another trip.

Waitress: You got it.

Businessman #2: I tell you I don’t know how many more of these business trips I can take.

Businessman #1: They don’t get any easier…

Businessman #3: Yeah, but you what you can write everything off. I mean, I ordered a filet and a ice cream sundae from room service last night. 56 dollars… Boom. Company card.

Businessman #1: I’ll tell you one thing. it never hurts to have a weekend away from the old ball and chain, if you know what I’m talkin’ about.

[All loudly agree]

Businessman #2: No doubt. Free as birds! Gentlemen I also don’t mind mentioning that the liquor is starting to kick in.

Businessman #1: And I don’t mind mentioning to you that you breath is giving it away.

[All laugh]

Businessman #1: Seriously though, who’s hooking up tonight ‘cause in my mind the way things are going in Iraq we gotta live for today; if you know what I mean.

Businessman #2: No doubt about it.

Businessman #3: I hear you. Tonight, is the night, I mean I gotta say, If I were a lady and I walked into this bar I would not be able to keep my eyes of this table full of studly former high school athletes.

Businessman #1: It ain’t braggin’ if it’s a fact, bro.

Businessman #2: Hey check out those ladies at the end of the bar. HEY LADIES, what’s up, buy you a drink?

[all encourage the ladies to join]

Waitress: Okay, here are your drinks.

Businessman #3: Thanks, and we’re gonna order another round right now.

Businessman #1: Save yourself a trip.

Waitress: You got it.

Businessman #2: I tell you; business trips blow.

Businessman #1: Yeah, they don’t get any easier.

Businessman #3: Yeah, but you what you can write everything off. I ordered a pot roast and eleven bathrobes from room service last night. 913 dollars… Wap smack. Company card.

Businessman #1: AND, it never hurts to have a weekend away from Mrs. Task Master General, if you know what I’m talkin’ about.

[All loudly agree]

Businessman #2: No doubt about it. Free bird! Gentlemen, I also don’t mind mentioning that the Boozy McBooze is starting to work it’s Magic McMagic.

Businessman #1: And I don’t mind mentioning to you that you breath gives it away.

[All Laugh]

Businessman #1: Seriously though, who’s dippin’ their doodle in a little poodle tonight. ‘Cause in my mind the way things are going in Iraq this could be the last night before the apocalypse. If you know what I mean.

Businessman #2: No doubt about it.

Businessman #3: Tonight, I have got to say, If I were a lady and I walked into this bar I would kiss both of ya’ll full on the lips.

Businessman #1: Hot town summer in the city…

Businessman #2: Hey ladies at the end of the bar. HEY kitty-cat, meow.

[all encourage the ladies to join]

Waitress: Here are your drinks.

Businessman #3: Thanks, and we’re gonna order another round right now.

Businessman #1: Save yourself a trip.

Waitress: You bet.

Businessman #2: Business conference stink-a-loo.

Businessman #1: Teenage champion!

Businessman #2: WE PLAYED SPORTS!

Businessman #3: You can write everything off. I ordered a midget to ride into my room on a pot-bellied pig last night from room service. 7429 dollars and 53 cents… wh-slam, damn, restin on a ham. Company card.

Businessman #1: Yeah, yeah. AND, it never hurts to have a weekend away from Hitler. If you know what I’m talkin’ about. She’s a bitch.

[All loudly agree]

Businessman #2: No doubt about it. Birds! Gentlemen I’m going to tell you the alcohol is making me crazy. CRAZY!

Businessman #1: Whoa. Well, and I don’t mind mentioning to you that your breath: bum’s ass.

[All Laughing]

Businessman #1: Seriously though, seriously though, who’s gonna slap the what and then knock it on it’s yam tonight. IRAQ. God, people should be more like me, if you know what I mean.

Businessman #2: No doubt about it.

Businessman #3: I’m gonna dress up like a lady and have sex with both of ya’ll.

Businessman #1: Hot buttered biscuit batter-up.

Businessman #2: Ladies. Bar. Now.

[all begin braying like donkeys]

Waitress: Okay, okay, here are your drinks.

Businessman #3: More!

Businessman #1: Now!

Businessman #2: [Brays into waitresses face]Businessman #1: More! [breaks his glass on the floor]

Businessman #2: More drinks! [now clinging to waitress] Wooo!

Waitress: You gentlemen wanted me to tell you when it was noon?

Businessman #1: Yeah.

Businessman #2: Oh, gosh, is it noon?

Waitress: Yeah.

Businessman #1: Thank you, thank you.

Businessman #3: Oh I gotta get to that conference.

[all rise, tip the table, break their glasses, and stagger away]

Submitted by: Ed Roske

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 6

04f: Luke Wilson / U2

Debbie Downer

Michelle…..Amy Poehler
Mark…..Luke Wilson
Debbie Downer…..Rachel Dratch
Frank…..Horatio Sanz
Brother #1…..Chris Parnell
Brother #2…..Seth Meyer

[open on exterior of house]

[dissolve to interior, with family around Thanksgiving table]

Michelle: And, you know, most of all, I’m just thankful for being home for the holidays.

All: Awwwww.

Mark: You know, I’m just thankful that I met Michelle this year, and now I get to spend Thanksgiving with your family. You know, I’m really looking forward to getting to know you guys.

Debbie: Oh, I’m thankful that somebody in this family has a date. I was going to bring a guy I met on match.com, but after we exchanged photos, I never heard from him again. [camera closes in on Debbie’s face with trumpet: wah wahhhhh]

[dissolve to jingle montage]

Jingle: You’re enjoying your day. / Everything’s going your way. / Then along comes Debbie Downer. / Always there to tell you ’bout a new disease. / A car accident or killer bees. / You’ll beg her to spare you, “Debbie, please!” / But you can’t stop Debbie Downer!”

[zoom on Debbie’s sad face]

[dissolve to Thanksgiving table]

Frank: Hey, can you pass some of that turkey? Oh, it looks juicy!

[chuckling as he passes the turkey platter] Oh, I’m sorry; I thought it was all mine!

[all laugh]

Brother #1: Boy, the traffic was a disaster coming up, huh?

Brother #2: Oh, yeah.

Debbie: Nothing compared to the disaster the Chinese are going through. [camera closes in on Debbie’s face with trumpet: wah wahhhhh]

Michelle: What?

Debbie: They’re still digging out from typhoon season, just in time for the bird flu to claim even more lives. [camera closes in on Debbie’s face with trumpet: high pitched wah wahhhhh]

Michelle: [lifts a wine bottle] Who wants some more wine?

Frank: I’d love some! [Michelle passes the bottle to him] Hey, do you think the Pilgirims brought a bottle of Pinot Grigio to the first Thanksgiving?

[all laugh]

Debbie: I’ll tell you what the Pilgrims did bring: smallpox. It killed scores of Native Americans, ravaging their population. [camera quickly closes in on Debbie’s face with trumpet: high pitched wah wahhhhh] And that was before we got around to shattering their spirit. [camera closes in very tightly on Debbie’s face with trumpet: prolonged wah wahhhhh]

Michelle: Sweetheart, you look cute in that tie.

Mark: Hey, you should see me in my underwear. [they chuckle]

Debbie: [suddenly leaning towards them] Did you guys get tested? [trumpet: quick high pitched wah wahhhhh]

Michelle: What?

Debbie: Well, you know, you think you know someone, and then you see that “Oprah” about [finger quotes] “living on the down low.” [camera closes in on Debbie’s face with trumpet: wah wahhhhh]

Brother #1: I’d like to propose a toast.

Frank: All right.

Brother #1: Okay, I’d like to welcome Mark; we’re very happy that you’re here. Also, I’d like us all to remember Grandma. I’m sure she’s looking down on us and smiling.

Debbie: I hope it’s the version of her before she was in the grips of dimentia. [camera closes in on Debbie’s face with trumpet: wah wahhhhh] Otherwise, she’d just be confused. [camera closes in very tightly on Debbie’s face with trumpet: deep wahhhhh]

Mark: Well, I’m sure your grandma was a great lady, and really loved…most of you.

Brother #2: Hey, could you pass the stuffing?

Mark: Sure. [lifts it and passes it to Debbie] Debbie, stuffing?

Debbie: Hey, Frank, did you cook this in the bird?

Frank: Yeah, it soaks up all the juices.

Debbie: It also soaks up an array of harmful bacteria, creating a breeding ground for foodborne illnesses. [camera quickly closes in on the turkey, then pans to Debbie’s face with trumpet: wah wahhhhh]

Mark: Hey, can I say something? I just want to say that I’ve never been happier than I am now, and I never want this feeling to end, so [reaches into his pocket and pulls out a ring box, opening it to show Michelle the ring]

Michelle: Oh, my God, Mark!

Mark: [kneels] Michelle, will you marry me?

Michelle: Oh, my God, of course, yes!

[all cheer and applaud]

Brother #2: Michelle, let’s see the ring!

Michelle: Oh, it’s beautiful! Mark, this must have cost you a fortune!

Mark: Hey, just like they say: two months salary.

Debbie: Did you factor in the loss of life at the hands of the African diamond industry? [camera closes in on Debbie’s face with trumpet: high pitched wah wahhhhh]

Mark: You know what, Debbie? I’ve known you for less than a day, but I’ve kind of had it with you. I mean, I never said a word when we were watching the parade and you told me everything I could ever wish to know about Al Qaeda, or when the Garfield float came by and you made that speech about feline AIDS.

Debbie: [matter-of-factly, with her mouth partially full, a fork dangling from her hand] It’s the number one killer of domestic cats. [camera closes in on Debbie’s face with sound effect: meow meowwwww]

Mark: And that’s very, very sad. But I don’t want to talk about it during my marriage proposal.

Michelle: Come on, Mark, we’re going to go eat in the TV room. [stands with her plate and exits]

Mark: Excuse me. [follows her]

[others continue to eat]

Debbie: Guess who’s got eczema?

[remaining family members drop their forks in their plates in disgust, and exit with their plates]

Debbie: Well, I guess it’s just you and me, Mr. Turkey.

[the turkey stands and wobbles off the table with gobbling sound effect]

[camera closes in on Debbie’s bemused expression]

[dissolve to end title card with close-up of Debbie’s face]

Jingle: No, you can’t stop Debbie Downer!

Debbie: You know who’s excited about Christmas? The credit card companies.

Submitted by: DavidK93

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 6

04f: Luke Wilson / U2

The Apprentice

President George W. Bush…..Will Forte
Colin Powell…..Finesse Mitchell
Donald Rumsfeld…..Darrell Hamond
Condoleeza Rice…..Maya Rudolph

[ open on exterior, White House, night ]

[ Music Over: “For The Love of Money”, by The O.J.s” ]

[ dissovle to interior, White House. Donald Rumsfeld, Colin Powell and Condoleeza Rice sit at “Apprentice”-like conference table as President George W. Bush enters and takes his seat. ]

President George W. Bush: Okay. Y’all know why you are here. You were given a simple task: start a war, set up a democracy, and get out. It’s a public relations nightmare, it almost cost me the election. Colin. You were the project manager on this one. What went wrong?

Colin Powell: Under the circumstances, I feel like we all did the best we could.

President George W. Bush: Okay, uh, what about you, Rumsfeld? Do you agree with Colin? Did everyone on the team perform to the best of their ability?

Donald Rumsfeld: [ scoffing ] Oh my, no! And as far as Secretary Powell is concerned, he is not a team player at all.

President George W. Bush: Colin, were you part of the team?

Colin Powell: Very much so, sir. As team leader, I felt it was my duty to point out where we were making mistakes. I knew that, you especially, would want to hear my opinion.

President George W. Bush: [ laughing ] Oh, well, definitely! If you know anything about me, you know I love to hear it when I’m wrong. It’s, uh — oh, Condi, you’re shaking your head. Do you disagree with me? Do you disagree with Mr. Powell?

Condoleeza Rice: Sir, I have the highest regard for Secretary Powell. He has been a mentor and a friend.

Colin Powell: Thank you, Condi.

Condoleeza Rice: Mmm-hmm.

President George W. Bush: Rummy?

Donald Rumsfeld: I think Colin should be fired.

Condoleeza Rice: Me, too! Colin gets my vote, I want to fire Colin!

Colin Powell: Hey..

President George W. Bush: Colin. Your teammates are not behind you. Uh.. as project manager, who would you fire?

Colin Powell: Well.. I believe.. the way Mr. Rumsfeld has handled —

Donald Rumsfeld: Oh, no, no!

Colin Powell: Well.. yes.

Donald Rumsfeld: If you think that you’re firing me, you are out of your pea-picking mind. I say we fire the chick and James Earl Jones and get the hell out of here!

President George W. Bush: You would fire Condi, too?

Donald Rumsfeld: You bet!

Condoleeza Rice: Sir, I worked very hard. Most of the time, I’ve had a concussion, because a piece of plaster hit me..

President George W. Bush: Okay, Condi. Could you have done a better job than Colin?

Condoleeza Rice: Absolutely. I would make a great project manager. I can play the piano – Colin cannot. Let’s see.. I can ice skate – Colin, no. And, best of all, I have no opinions that are not the opinions of this administration.

President George W. Bush: Well, someone has to get fired, okay? This is a losing team. I wish Cheney were here, you know? He likes to fire people. He says it’s good for his heart.

Donald Rumsfeld: Hell, it’s good for everyone’s heart! We all like to fire people. The way I see it, we really don’t need a cabinet. I mean, the way I see it, Cheney and I can run the whole damn country, and you can go do whatever it is that you do!

President George W. Bush: Okay, uh, I have to make a decision. Donald.. you made a mistake. You started a war without enough troops, you got no exit strategy, you let things get out of control at that Abu Ghraib prison. But, uh, you know, you refuse to take the blame, and I like that. And, uh, you know, clearly I’m afraid of you, or I would have fired you months ago.

Condi. Here’s what you’ve got going for you: you’re, uh, easier on the eyes than Colin. And, uh, as an expert on Soviet affairs, you’re perfect for the current world sit-e-ation.

And, that leaves you, Colin. Uh.. you know, it’s turns out you were right about the war – we do need a heck of a lot more troops. Uh, you’re the only one in this administration that seems to know anything about fighting a war. Obviously, you don’t fit in. Colin.. you’re fired.

Colin Powell: Sir?

President George W. Bush: You’re fired! You are fired! Trump-stryle. [ smiles, proud of his finesse ]

Colin Powell: I handed you my letter of resignation about a week ago, sir.

President George W. Bush: [ upset ] Well, gosh darn it! I want to fire someone! Everyone in the whole cabinet is resigning, faster than I can say.. “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 6


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:

Bit Players:


November 20th, 2004

Luke Wilson

U2

None

None

JB Smoove
The ApprenticeSummary: President George W. Bush (Will Forte) must fire Colin Powell (Finesse Mitchell), Donald Rumsfeld (Darrell Hammond) or Condoleeza Rice (Maya Rudiolph).

Recurring Characters: George W. Bush, Condoleeza Rice, Colin Powell, Donald Rumsfeld.

Transcript

Montage

Luke Wilson’s MonologueSummary: Horatio Sanz pulls up in a motorized wheelchair and shows off cell phone pictures from his wild night out with Luke Wilson.

Bio: Luke Wilson (1971-). Actor; younger brother of actors Owen and Andrew; the trio starred together in Wes Anderson’s film short “Bottle Rocket” (1993), which was later expanded as a feature presentation in 1996.

Debbie DownerSummary: Debbie Downer’s (Rachel Dratch) pessimism ruins Thanksgiving this time.

Recurring Characters: Debbie Downer.

Transcript

American Trainwreck AwardsSummary: Awards are distributed in celebration of pop icons’ greatest embarrassments.

Recurring Characters: Diana Ross, Anna Nicole Smith.

TV FunhouseSummary: In Rob Smigel’s cartoon, President Bush invents a de-gaying machine, which he haphazardly demonstrates on celebrities.

Note: Smigel’s cartoon was originally scheduled to appear in the Jude Law and Liam Neeson episodes, but was cut for time in both.

The RestaurantSummary: The relationship between two men (Rob Riggle, Luke Wilson) who have been best buddies since childhood has grown uncomfortably close.

Transcript

U2 performs “Vertigo”First Performed: 00g.

Weekend Update with Tina Fey & Amy PoehlerSummary: Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger (Darrell Hammond) wants to amend the Constitution. Toy manufacturer Dan Schwarz (Fred Armisen) uses Amy Poehler to demonstrate his new Bop-It toy.

Recurring Characters: Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Transcript

Coolest Teacher At Benton Township High SchoolSummary: Mr. J (Seth Meyers) is the coolest teacher in school, but faces strong competition in his new rival, the laid-back Phil (Luke Wilson).

Transcript

The FalconerSummary: The Falconer (Will Forte) and the Dogger (Luke Wilson) are trapped under a pile of rocks, and must rely on Donald and a dog to rescue them.

Recurring Characters: The Falconer.

Transcript

U2 performs “Sometimes You Can’t Make It On Your Own”

Business DrinkingSummary: While on a business trip, a trio of businessmen (Luke Wilson, Kenan Thompson, Seth Meyers) drink to excess.

Transcript

GoodnightsNote: U2 performs “I Will Follow”, as Bono rubs against a women in the audience and Amy Poehler; they perform an additional song in the studio after the credits end.

Transcript

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Dress Rehearsal Cuts

Mexican FiestaSummary: Pitchman (Fred Armisen) promotes a Mexican spice that turns taco eaters into offensive Mexican stereotypes.

ConstitutionSummary: Arnold Schwarzenegger (Darrell Hammond) discusses the Constitution.

Recurring Characters: Arnold Schwarzenegger.

The DirectorSummary: Film director (Luke Wilson) does a poor job overlooking a scene.

PLO MeetingSummary: Following Yasser Arafat’s death, PLO members (Luke Wilson, Fred Armisen, Seth Meyers, Horatio Sanz, Chris Parnell, Will Forte) scramble to choose his successor.

Bear CitySummary: In high school, a boy bear’s friends embarrass him in front of a group of girl bears.

Live with Regis & KellySummary: Kelly Ripa (Amy Poehler) interviews Dave Navarro (Luke Wilson) while Regis Philbin (Darrell Hammond) receives a makeover.

Recurring Characters: Regis Philbin, Kelly Ripa.

Bear CitySummary: Frustration culminates when a bear tries to get cigarettes from a gas station.

Note: This short film will air in the episode hosted by Paris Hilton.

McConaughey & HarrelsonSummary: Matthew McConaughey (Seth Meyers) and Woody Harrelson (Luke Wilson) stand in a pothole in the middle of the highway.

Britney FilmSummary: Alison Jackson’s film is a voyeuristic look at Britney Spears shopping in a drugstore while barefoot.

SNL Transcripts