SNL Tonight

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 5

04e: Liam Neeson / Modest Mouse

Weekend Update with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler

…..Tina Fey
…..Amy Poehler
John Ashcroft…..Darrell Hammond
Doug Stradley…..Seth Meyers
Ritchie B…..Fred Armisen
Marcus…..Kenan Thompson

Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, it’s Weekend Update with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler!

Amy Poehler: Hi, I’m Amy Poehler…

Tina Fey: …I’m Tina Fey and here are tonight’s top stories.

Well tonight in New York after months of build up and anticipation, Starr Jones made history and became the first person ever to get married. Unfortunately, things at the reception turned ugly when the carving station ran out of ham.
[A rowdy clip of hundreds of people surrounding a small table that has several people on top of it is shown, and gunshots are fired as well.]

And yesterday, in a shocking turn of events, Ben Affleck was convicted of murdering Scott Peterson’s wife. God, that guy cannot get a break lately.

Amy Poehler: Next up in the Scott Peterson cast, the jury will deliberate on the death penalty. This will determine whether Peterson is raped by criminals or Satan.

President Bush said yesterday that Yasser Arafat’s death would provide an opening for peace in the Middle East, adding, “But fear not, I will close it.”

Tina Fey: This week, Attorney General, John Ashcroft, became the first member of President Bush’s cabinet to step down since the election. Here to talk about his resignation is John Ashcroft.

John Ashcroft: Thank you, Tina. It’s been an honor serving as the Attorney General of this great nation. For four years, I’ve enjoyed wide spread popular support for the many fine decision that I’ve made. My Patriot Act, a real favorite with everybody, has allowed law enforcement agencies to arrest thousands of people, some of whom may in fact turn out to be guilty of something. But alas, I’ve wanted to do so much more, like banning nude pictures from art museums, making a secret list of bearded people, creating a law that people have to sleep with their hands outside their blankets. But very few of my modest proposals were ever taken seriously, simple things that I know that we could agree on. For instance, I wanted to bring good ol-fashioned wooden stocks back to the town square, and let people heave rocks and tomatoes at the folks who was guilty of-uh spiting on the sidewalk. I had the brilliant idea to put lo jacks on Muslims in this country so… we wanna put a lo jack on ‘em so we can be keepin’ track of ‘em. I wanted dirty magazines to explode with black ink so we can see who was-uh buyin’ them. It was my plan to arrest people who walked around at night, and like you Tina, I thought the missionary sex position should be written into the Constitution as the only true and legal way to do that disgusting deed.

Tina Fey: I agree with that, yeah.

John Ashcroft: But not everyone saw things our way Tina, and so I’m resigning.

Tina Fey: A sad day for all America.

John Ashcroft: You really think so?

Tina Fey: No! John Ashcroft, everybody.

Amy Poehler: President Bush’s nomination for Attorney General is Alberto Gonzalez, who the President has nicknamed The Judge. Though what do you wanna bet that when Gonzalez isn’t in the room that he calls him Speedy?

Tina Fey: This week at Sean ‘P. Diddy’ Combs’ 35th birthday party in New York, Tara Reid stole the show by accidentally exposing her breast on the red carpet. Even worse, later in the evening, Cynthia Nixon accidentally exposed her red carpet on the red carpet. Hmm…

Amy Poehler: Now, we can’t show the tape of Tara on the red carpet, but we can demonstrate what happened with this Barbie doll.

[Tina pulls out a Barbie doll dressed like Tara Reid from under the Update desk, along with several other items.]

Tina Fey: So Tara got ready to go to the party.

Amy Poehler: [performing as a stoned Tara Reid Barbie] “Ah! I’m gonna go to the party! Here we go! I’m getting ready for the party!”

[Tina lifts a bottle of some kind of alcoholic drink to Barbie Tara’s mouth while Tina and Amy both make guzzling noises.]

Amy Poehler: [performing as a stoned Tara Reid Barbie] “Let’s go, lets go the party! Lalalalala…”

[Tina pours cocaine into Barbie Tara’s mouth.]

Tina Fey: Then she went on the red carpet… [performing as the paparazzi] “Tara, Tara! Over here… Tara, Tara, Tara!!”

Tina Fey: And then… [pulls down the shoulder strap of Barbie Tara’s dress] “Oh no Tara, Tara! Your dress, your dress!”

Amy Poehler: [performing as a stoned Tara Reid Barbie] “What? My dress? What? I don’t even know… what?”

[Tina flicks her finger on Barbie Tara’s exposed breast.]

Tina Fey: [performing as the paparazzi] “Tara! Why can’t you feel that Tara? Tara!” [makes a fist and hits Barbie Tara’s exposed breast] “What’s going on?”

Amy Poehler: Okay, then her publicist came in and was like trying to put the dress up. [performing as Publicist Barbie, who comes in and pulls Barbie Tara’s dress down more] “Put the dress up!”

Tina Fey: [performing as the paparazzi] “Tara, Tara, Tara!”

Tina Fey: And then Paris Hilton came through, and she was like… [performing as Paris Hilton Barbie, who enters] “My god, you guys, I’m not wearing any underwear!” [performing as the paparazzi] “Tara! Paris! Tara! Can we get you and Tara together!”

Tina & Amy: [performing as Paris Hilton and Tara Reid Barbies] “Yeah, sure yeah!”

[Tara Reid and Paris Hilton Barbies start making out with each other while Tina and Amy make kissing noises.]

Tina Fey & Amy Poehler: And scene!

[Tara Reid and Paris Hilton Barbies bow]

Amy Poehler: That made sense.

Tina Fey: In his five-page hand written resignation letter, John Ashcroft said of his tenure as Attorney General, “The objective of securing the safety of American from crime and terror has been achieved… in the state of South Dakota. BYE!

Amy Poehler: One of the biggest disappointments to the Kerry Campaign on Election Day was the low turn out of college voters. Here with the commentary is college student Doug Stradley.

Doug Stradley: Yeah!! Woooo!! I love it! Yeah! Woo! Fey, Poehler what’s up? I dig you guys! You’re like the Coor’s Light Twins, but smarter… and not twins.

Amy Poehler: Yeah. All right, get on with it Stradley.

Doug Stradley: When I took Intro to Poli-Sci last spring, I learned a lot about politics and I feel comfortable saying this about the current administration… YOU GUYS SUCK!! Well, your reign is over fat cats because this Tuesday the youth vote is gonna be heard like never before! Yeah!

Amy Poehler: Yeah, election happened a few weeks ago, Bush won.

Doug Stradley: [Disappointed] Really?

Amy Poehler: Yeah, really!

Doug Stradley: Ah MAN! All right, let me explain myself. My schedule has been nuts. I’ve had like, three quizzes and a million chapters to read. Plus outside of class, there’s all this personal stuff. I’m seeing this girl Becky who upside, crazy in bed, downside, crazy everywhere else! It’s not like she’s even a Cooer’s Light Twin, right guys? You know what I’m talking about. Oh, and last week, last week was our fraternity fundraiser ‘Brats for Tots.’

Amy Poehler: Brats for Tots? What, do you have a cookout to raise money for kids?

Doug Stradley: No, we have a cookout and we give the ladies brats if they flash their tots.

Amy Poehler: How is that a fundraiser?

Doug Stradley: Did I say fundraiser cuz I meant fun raiser.

Amy Poehler: Can you hurry up and finish!

Doug Stradley: That’s what she said. But seriously, maybe this isn’t my fault? Maybe it’s the fault of the candidates for not being different enough. These guys are like the Coor’s Light Twins. Only a very educated person could tell the difference between them.

Tina Fey: Yeah, it seems like the only thing you have a position on is the Coor’s Light Twins.

Doug Stradley: HOW DARE YOU! YOU DON’T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT ME OR THE ISSUES I CARE ABOUT TINA FEY! So I will tell you this. I don’t like tyranny or poverty or sick people. [Starts singing the Coor’s Light commercial tune] “And I like voting with your heart, people who do their part, democracy in actionnn, and the twinnnsss!” And I love you too Tina and Amy…

Amy Poehler: All right, get out of here!

Doug Stradley: I really like twins!

Amy Poehler: Yeah, get out of here! Doug Stradley, everybody, Doug Stradley.

Tina Fey: Researchers have developed a new male contraceptive shot that has worked 78% of the time on monkeys, which is great if your monkey hates condoms has much as mine does.

Amy Poehler: John Embry, a 47-year-old motel manager in Florida, was charged with holding up a bus of Special Olympics Athletes at gunpoint. Witnesses described the man as mean and yelly.

According to a BBC music poll, the Beatle’s song Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da is the worst song ever. And the second worst song ever is… oh… uh oh!

Tina Fey: What?

Amy Poehler: Oh, it’s that song you and I put out.

Tina Fey: What! Wait a minute! You’re telling me that our song that we put out, our single called “The Party’s Cancelled” is supposedly the second worst song ever!

Amy Poehler: Yeah that’s what it says.

Tina Fey: That is crazy! Check it!

[Tina and Amy stand up and grab microphones.]

Tina Fey: 2, 3, 4, 5, 6… “Everybody, the party’s cancelled! We’re not having a party! Don’t bring Fritos, there won’t be dancing…”

Amy Poehler: “Everybody, the party’s cancelled! Don’t come over, the party’s cancelled!”

Tina Fey & Amy Poehler: Bring it! 1992 ya’ll! We out!

Amy Poehler: I don’t know why! That was a great song!

Tina Fey: They’re saying that’s not a good song!

Amy Poehler: That’s a great song!

Tina Fey: Unbelievable! [Laughs] That’s more cocaine!

Aleta St. James, a 57-year-old New York woman, gave birth to twins this week… beautiful, 26-year-old twins! [imitating college student Doug Stradley from earlier] Twinnnsss!

Amy Poehler: Most surprised by the birth was Aleta’s mother, 114-year-old Dorothy St. James. She has seen it all, Dorothy, look at her! Dorothy reacted on Wednesday saying, [in an old person’s voice] “Oh I’m gonna be a grandma!” [Amy plops dead on the desk]

Tina Fey: South Africa’s Hendrick Ramaala won Sunday’s New York City Marathon in 2 hours 9 minutes and 28 seconds. Ramaala credited his fast time to the fact that he was being chased by 30,000 white people.

Amy Poehler: As everyone knows, I’m a huge fan of stand up comedy and last night, I saw a comedian who, despite his shortcomings, was hilarious! So please join me in welcoming a man who is as funny as he is inspiring, deaf comedian Ritchie B. and his interpreter Marcus.

[Ritchie B. signs and moves his mouth when he wants to talk and Marcus tells what he’s saying]

Marcus: What’s up New York, make some noise!

[Audience claps and applauds]

Marcus: I can’t hear you.

[Audience claps and applauds again louder]

Marcus: No, seriously I can’t hear you I’m deaf. [To Ritchie B] That went really well, good job!

[Ritchie B smiles smugly.]

Marcus: Dating is hard, dating is really hard. Girls try to give me their phone numbers… but I can’t use the phone, I’m deaf. [To Ritchie B] Yeah, that one didn’t go so well. … Yeah I mean they didn’t laugh. … Yeah I told it right. Look, just do another one.

Anybody here from out of town?

[Lots of noise from the audience]

Amy Poehler: Lot of people from out of town. I’m from Boston.

Marcus: [To Ritchie B] She’s from Boston. … Oh, they got a lot of Catholics up there right?

Amy Poehler: Yep! That’s right.

Marcus: How do you know that Adam and Eve weren’t black? … You ever try to take a rib from a black person. [To Ritchie B] HEY HEY! That’s not cool! That’s not cool!

Oh here’s a good one. … Gatorade just came out with a new flavor for black people.

[Ritchie B makes a noise and does something that looks like he’s knocking on a door.]

Marcus: I’m not saying that.

[Ritchie B does the noise and action again.]

Marcus: I’m not saying that.

[Ritchie B does the noise and action again but quieter.]

Marcus: [to Ritchie B] I’m not saying that.

Tina Fey: Amy, these guys are horrible!

Amy Poehler: Yeah! Okay, wrap it up Ritchie B.

Marcus: [To Ritchie B] We have to wrap it up… wrap it up!

What do you call a black guy with a… okay, you know what! I’m not saying his joke! But I will tell you a little something about Ritchie B. I mean this guy’s johnson is so small, he pees on his nuts. [To Ritchie B] Yeah that was good, really good! Yeah, way to go!

Tina Fey: All right, thank you, you guys.

Amy Poehler: Thanks!

Marcus: Yeah!

Amy Poehler: Thanks everybody! Ritchie B. and his interpreter Marcus, everyone.

Tina Fey: Doctors in Cleveland have gained approval to conduct the worlds first face transplant. So… For Weekend Update, I’m Al Franken…

Amy Poehler: And I’m Richard Dreyfus.

Tina Fey: Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow!

Submitted by: Margaret Edwards

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 5

04e: Liam Neeson / Modest Mouse

Jasper the Parrot

Ronnie…..Liam Neeson
Phoebe…..Rachel Dratch
Jasper…..Fred Armisen

(Open with a couple entering an apartment; living room)

Phoebe: That was such a great dinner. Thank you.

Ronnie: Oh, it’s been such a long time since I had Indian food.

Phoebe: That was Mexican food.

Ronnie: Oh, I’m sorry I’m a little nervous, I was trying to impress you.

Phoebe: You impressed me the first time I saw you.

Ronnie: Oh, thank you. What a nice apartment. How long have you lived here?

Phoebe: 30 years. Can you believe it. Sit down, let me get you some wine. Blush or Rose?

Ronnie: Rose. Sounds lovely. (sits down on the sofa, Phoebe goes to the kitchen)

Phoebe: (from kitchen) Do you want cheese and crackers?

Ronnie: Sure.

Phoebe: Okay, you know what? I’m just gonna bring out crackers ’cause the cheese is a little moldy. (brings plate of crackers)

Ronnie: That’s no problem. Let me help you.

Phoebe: Here you go. Well, I got to say, oh (they toast) I’m really glad you asked me out. I’ve sold you so many scratch-off tickets that I feel like I know you.

Ronnie: Every one you sold me is a winner as long as it comes with that smile. (feeling romantic he comes closer for a kiss)

Phoebe: Oh, Ronnie, oh you know what, before we start necking, I have to introduce you to my baby.

Ronnie: Oh, you have a child?

Phoebe: Well, not exactly, but I am a mommy. This is Jasper. (gets up and in the corner reveals a big, red, man-sized parrot with a yellow nose) He’s an African parrot.

Ronnie: Wow.

(The parrot is moving around, biting the bars. Phoebe takes him in her arm)

Phoebe: Jasper, come up here. Jasper, this is Ronnie. Say hello, say hello. (parrot bops up and down)

Ronnie: (a little tense) Hello, little fellow, ain’t you a pretty bird.

Phoebe: Oh, he’s being a little shy. But he can sing, right, Jasper? (looking at the parrot) “Happy birthday to you, Happy birthday to you, (parrot looks away uninterested) Happy birthday to you.”

Jasper: “Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you!”

Ronnie: That’s great. Back in the cage then, huh.

Phoebe: Aww, let’s leave him out. He just loves crackers. (The parrot runs up and down the length of the sofa) Here you want a cracker, here. (puts cracker in her mouth and Jasper leans over and eats it)

Ronnie: You know, Phoebe, I haven’t been with a woman since my wife died, well I sometimes still cry about her. (parrot bops up and down on Ronnie’s shoulder) I bet she’s probably looking down now saying, “Get over it, you silly fool.” (parrot nibbles on Ronnie’s head)

Phoebe: That is so sad. I mean, how do you cope with something like that?

Ronnie: Well, I just try to focus (Jasper sings Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, runs up and down from the sofa and jumps from the sofa to Ronnie’s head several times) on her life, not her death. She was a wonderful woman. Phoebe, could you get your bird off my head?

Phoebe: Jasper,Jasper, come on, Jasper. He likes you. (parrot pulls hair on Ronnie’s head with his beak mouth) Come here, Jasper doodle, come here. You want to give him a cracker, here?

Ronnie: No, no, no. (Phoebe puts cracker in Ronnie’s mouth, Jasper approaches slowly and takes the cracker from Ronnie’s mouth)

Phoebe: Here you go. Good boy, Jasper. So go on – so go on, you were (Jasper squawks) telling me about( Jasper squawks) your dead wife.

Ronnie: That’s in the past. This is today and I’m here with you. I have a good feeling about this relationship. (Jasper bops up and down violently)

Phoebe: Well, you’re a wonderful man Ronnie, wonderful man.

Ronnie: Thank you. I just never thought at this point in my life I’d find someone like you. May I…may I kiss you. (Ronnie’s gets close for a kiss and Jasper bites him in the cheek) Oww! Your bloody bird bit me!

Phoebe: Jasper! He thinks I’m being attacked. (Jasper keeps running up and down the sofa) I can calm him down, I can calm him down. (sings to Jasper) “Strangers in the night, exchanging glances. Strangers in the night exchanging glances, (Jasper concentrates onPhoebe with idiotic look on it’s face) strangers in the night exchanging glances.”

Jasper: “Strangers in the night, glances. Strangers in the night, glances.”

Ronnie: Okay, okay, okay. (Jasper sings Happy birthday to you) Phoebe, I’ve got to be honest with you. I don’t like birds. This isn’t for me. (gets up to leave)

Phoebe: Oh, Ronnie, don’t go. I mean this night might be our last to find real love in our lives.

Ronnie: What am I doing? (returns to Phoebe’s side) I finally meet a woman that makes me feel alive and appreciates me for who I am and I just try to ruin it. (Jasper singsongs Happy birthday to you, bopping on Ronnie’s shoulder and biting on his head) Phoebe, if this bird is special to you, well I will learn to love it (Jasper sings Happy birthday to you and squawks) because you’re special to me. (Jasper sings Happy birthday to you and squawks)

Phoebe: Oh, Ronnie. (Jasper takes a giant crap all over Ronnie who is obviously disgusted) Jasper!!

(Jasper comes very close to the camera, tries to bite it and sings: Strangers in the night, glances, strangers in the night, glances.)

(Cheers and applause)

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 5


Song appears
on the album:

04e: Liam Neeson / Modest Mouse

Modest Mouse performs “Ocean Breathes Salty”

…..Liam Neeson
…..Modest Mouse

Liam Neeson: Once again – Modest Mouse.

Modest Mouse:
“Your body may be gone, I’m gonna carry you in
In my head, in my heart, in my soul.
And maybe we’ll get lucky and we’ll both live again
Well I don’t know, I don’t know, I don’t know, don’t think so.

Well that is that and this is this
You tell me what you want and I’ll tell you what you get.
You get away from me
You get away from me.
Collected my belongings and I left the jail
Well thanks for the time, I needed to think a spell.
I had to think awhile
I had to think awhile.

The ocean breathes salty, won’t you carry it in?
In your head, in your mouth, in your soul.
And maybe we’ll get lucky and we’ll both grow old
Well I don’t know, I don’t know, I don’t know, I hope so.

Well that is that and this is this
You tell me what you want and I’ll tell you what you get.
You get away from me
You get away from me.
Collected my belongings and I left the jail
Well thanks for the time, I needed to think a spell
I had to think awhile
I had to think awhile.

Well, that is that and this is this
Will you tell me what you saw and I’ll tell you what you missed
when the ocean met the sky.
You missed when time and life shook hands and said goodbye
When the earth folded in on itself.
And said “Good luck, for your sake I hope heaven and hell
are really there, well I wouldn’t hold my breath.”
You wasted life, why wouldn’t you waste death?
You wasted life, why wouldn’t you waste death?

The ocean breathes salty, won’t you carry it in?
In your head, in your mouth, in your soul.
The more we move ahead, the more we’re stuck in rewind
Well I don’t mind, I don’t mind, how the hell could I mind?

Well that is that and this is this
You tell me what you want and I’ll tell you what you get.
You get away from me
You get away from me.

Well that is that and this is this
Will you tell me what you saw, and I’ll tell you what you missed
when the ocean met the sky.
You wasted life, why wouldn’t you waste the afterlife?”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 5


Song appears
on the album:

04e: Liam Neeson / Modest Mouse

Modest Mouse performs “Float On”

…..Liam Neeson
…..Modest Mouse

Liam Neeson: Ladies and gentlemen – Modest Mouse.

Modest Mouse:
“I backed my car into a cop car the other day.
Well he just drove off, sometimes life’s okay.
I ran my mouth off a bit too much, oh what did I say?
Well we just laughed it off, it was all okay.

And we’ll all float on okay.
And we’ll all float on okay.
And we’ll all float on okay.
And we’ll all float on anyway.

Well, a fake Jamaican took every last dime with that scam.
It was worth it just to learn some sleight of hand.
Bad news comes, don’t you worry even when it lands.
Good news will work its way on all them plans.
We both got fired on exactly the same day,
that we were gonna quit it anyways.

And we’ll all float on okay.
And we’ll all float on okay.
And we’ll all float on okay.
And we’ll all float on.
Alright already, we’ll all float on.
Okay, don’t worry, we’ll all float on.
Alright, I’m ready, we’ll all float on.
We’ll all float on.
We’ll all float on.
Alright.

And we’ll all float on. Alright already, we’ll all float on okay
Don’t worry, even if things end up a bit too heavy.
We’ll all float on.
Alright already, we’ll all float on.
Alright already, we’ll all float on
Alright already, we’ll all float on
We’ll all float on.
Alright.”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 5

04e: Liam Neeson / Modest Mouse

Liam Neeson’s Monologue

…..Liam Neeson
…..Finesse Mitchell
…..Horatio Sanz
…..Maya Rudolph
…..Will Forte
…..Darrell Hammond
Billy Smith…..Fred Armisen
Eskimo…..Jason Sudeikis
Amish Man…..John Lutz

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Liam Neeson!

Liam Neeson: Thank you very much! Really. It’s GREAT to be hosting “Saturday Night Live”. Everyone has been so fantastic. You know, when I showed up here at the beginning of the week, people had all these ideas where I played all sorts of things — most of them Irish… and drunk. And, even though some of them were really funny, I was just a little uncomfortable with the stereotype of the drunken Irishman. So, I asked them if it was okay IF we didn’t go in that direction, and they were fantastic about it, extremely gracious. And it was all in good fun, but it can be hurtful even when you don’t mean it to be.

[ Finesse Mitchell appears ]

Finesse Mitchell: Hey! Hey, you were RIGHT to say what you said! That’s why, tonight, you’re not gonna see me playing any pimps or any gangsta rappers.

Liam Neeson: Good for you, Finesse.

Finesse Mitchell: And that’s also why this is the only time you’ll see me in the show tonight!

[ Finesse quietly exits the stage, as Horatio Sanz appears ]

Horatio Sanz: Hey, Liam. There’s something I have to say.

Liam Neeson: That’s great, Horatio. You’re — you’re — you’re here to talk about stereotypes of overweight people?

Horatio Sanz: [ taken aback ] No, I was gonna talk about… not doing Hispanic stereotypes. [ he shakes his head ] Forget about it…

[ Horatio exits the stage, as Maya Rudolph appears ]

Maya Rudolph: [ with a dramatic flair ] Liam! Ladies and gentlemen! I’d like to say: I am tired of the stereotypical jokes about people who are of mixed race! We are NOT addicted to pornography! And all of us do NOT… smell like marshmallows. [ she points a finger in Neeson’s face and exits the stage ]

Liam Neeson: [ nervously ] Uh-oh. I guess — I guess I owe a big apology to Tiger Woods.

[ Will Forte appears ]

Will Forte: Liam? [ to the audience ] Uh — stereotypes have hurt us all. You know, I, for one, am sick and tired of upper middle class suburban white Christian males… being portrayed only as businessmen and doctors and astronauts. I mean, we are so much more than that! Many of us are also lawyers and bankers.

Liam Neeson: Well… thank you, I guess.

[ Will exits the stage, as Darrell Hammond appears ]

Darrell Hammond: There’s something I’d like to say, Liam.

Liam Neeson: Yes, Darrell.

Darrell Hammond: I’m tired of people assuming impressionists are FREAKS! Okay? That we can’t express ourselves in our own voices! I mean, we’re regular people, Liam. Like your plumber… your dentist… or… [ stuttering ] Porky Pig! Or people like Don Knotts, as Barney Fife: [ doing his Barney Fife impression ] “Oh, Andy, I didn’t mean to shoot Aunt Bea!” [ clears his throat ] And what if Donald Trump was in “Romeo and Juliet”?

Liam Neeson: What would that be like?

Darrell Hammond: [ smiles ] Thank you. [ doing his Donald Trump impression ] “Juliet! Nice rack… but you’re fired!”

[ Darrell exits the stage ]

Liam Neeson: Thank you, Darrell. Well, I’ll bet there a lot of people here tonight who feel the same way, huh? Hey! What about you, sir? [ he approaches Billy Smith ] As a Native-American, aren’t you tired of people assuming that you’re an alcoholic and that you own a casino?

Billy Smith: Yes.

Liam Neeson: And you, sir. [ he approaches an Eskimo ] Don’t you hate it when people jump to the conclusion that you rub noses to kiss?

Eskimo: [ he smiles ] Yeah!

Liam Neeson: Sir? [ he approaches an Amish man ] How about you? Doesn’t it offend you that people think you like show tunes simply because you’re gay?

[ the Amish man frowns and returns to his seat, as Neeson returns to the stage ]

Liam Neeson: Granted… none of that is gonna happen here tonight. Oh — uh — and when the show’s over, uh, join me at Murphy’s Pub for a Hennigans and a shot of whiskey — it’ll be magically delicious!

[ Irish jig music plays ]

Liam Neeson: We’ve got a great show! Modest Mouse is here! Stick around, we’ll be right back!

[ Neeson dances an Irish jig to fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 5

04e: Liam Neeson / Modest Mouse

You Call This A House, Do Ya?

“Buildin’” Finn McQuinn…..Seth Meyers
Lorken McArdle/Fiddler…..Liam Neeson
Mrs. McArdle…..Amy Poehler
Pat…..Rob Riggle

[Fade in on RTE 2 station identification screen from the “Top O’ The Morning” sketches from seasons 28 and 29 of Saturday Night Live. Lively Irish music plays in the background]

Announcer: [with an Irish brogue] You’re watchin’ RTE 2—Ireland’s other television network. It’s 3:30 p.m. Next up [dissolve to picture of a white stone house with a wooden cabin on the side] Ireland’s top home makeover show [show name appears over photo of stone house]: “You Call This A House, Do Ya?”, with your host, “Buildin’” Finn McQuinn.

[dissolve to shot of “Buildin’” Finn McQuinn outside of an Irish house, wearing a lavendar, button-down shirt with a white T-shirt under it, a pair of faded jeans, and a toolbelt around the waist]

“Buildin’” Finn McQuinn: [addressing the camera] Cheers. I’m “Buildin’” Finn McQuinn, and welcome to “You Call This A House, Do Ya?” For those of ya too thick to remember how it works, we take an average Irish home and basically try to make it look a little less crap. We’re at the home of Lorken McArdle. Let’s see if he’s in.

[McQuinn knocks on McArdle’s door. Lorken McArdle, a taller man with red hair and a cigarette in his mouth, answers the door]

Lorken McArdle: [suspiciously] What’s all this there?

“Buildin’” Finn McQuinn: I’m “Buildin’” Finn McQuinn. We’re here to make over your home.

Lorken McArdle: [sarcastically] [removes cigarette from his mouth] Ya want a medal for that, do ya? Do ya want me to do a jig for ya?

“Buildin’” Finn McQuinn [irritated over Lorken’s sarcastic remarks] You could say “T’anks!”

Lorken McArdle: I could, but I’m not gonna.

“Buildin’” Finn McQuinn: [a beat] Fair enough. Care to show us around?

Lorken McArdle: Ah, all right. Keep your shirt on. [opens the door to let McQuinn inside. McQuinn closes the door behind him]

[cut to shot of Mrs. McArdle holding her two children]

Mrs. McArdle: [terrified] Oh! Oh, sweet mercy! They’ve come for ya! [to McQuinn] He’s innocent, I tell ya, innocent. He was here all last night!

Lorken McArdle: Ah, take it easy, Molly. These guys are here to fix up the house.

Mrs. McArdle: But we can’t afford it.

“Buildin’” Finn McQuinn: Oh, don’t worry, it’s free.

Mrs. McArdle: So was his vascetomy. [indicates the boy and girl she’s holding in her arms] Ya see how well that worked out.

Lorken McArdle: [angrily] You shut yer mouth!

Mrs. McArdle: [yelling] I’ll shut my mouth when I’m good and ready!

“Buildin’” Finn McQuinn: ALL RIGHT! [normal tone] All right, so, uh, why don’t you give us the grand tour, Lorken.

Lorken McArdle: [points to couch and coffee table] Living room, [points to empty corner]: foyer, [points to desk]: home office, [points to an offscreen location]: bedroom, [points to another offscreen location]: bedroom, [points to a chair near the front door]: breakfast nook, [points to an empty corner behind him]: Uh…solarium, [points to three more offscreen locations]: gym, kitchen, bedroom.

“Buildin’” Finn McQuinn: Well, you have a lovely home, and it’ll be tough to improve it. [camera focuses on McQuinn]: But we are professionals. So, why don’t you head down to the pub, and by the time you get back—[a door closes to McQuinn’s right. Camera zooms out to find that Lorken has left before McQuinn has finished his sentence]. He’s already gone, I see. [to his workers]: All right, boys! Pull up yer socks. [claps hands to summon them inside]: Let’s get to work! [three construction workers come in the house]

[dissolves to photo of the white stone house as previously shown from the beginning of the sketch]

[dissolve back to inside of the house, where McQuinn and his construction workers are renovating the house. Irish music plays throughout the sequence and the film is sped up for time constraints. During the sped up sequence, the workers rearrange the mirror on the wall and the chair next to the door, have a beer and then have another beer. One of the workers fights with McQuinn, then makes up with him. A fiddler (Liam Neeson in a white shirt) comes in and everyone dances. Mrs. McArdle then goes into labor and McQuinn delivers the baby. Everyone celebrates and dances while Mrs. McArdle has a beer]

[dissolve to establishing shot of the Irish stone house at night accompanied by the super: “11 Hours Later”]

[dissolve to “Buildin’” Finn McQuinn, the three construction workers, Mrs. McArdle, and her children standing around after the “renovations”]

“Buildin’” Finn McQuinn: [addressing the camera] Well, we finally finished. [to Mrs. McArdle]: Whaddaya think?

Mrs. McArdle: Oh, it’s beautiful! I can’t believe this is my house.

“Buildin’” Finn McQuinn: [addressing the camera] Okay, the good news is we just received word that Lorken is on his way home, as he was thrown out of his local for tossin’ a jukebox at the policemen. So he should be back any minute.

Lorken McArdle: [from outside, singing drunkenly] Tora-lora-lora [Lorken stumbles in]: Tor—[stops and looks around]: Why you…Get outta me house, ya thievin’ Royalist bastards! You shan’t take this flat for The British Crown!

“Buildin’” Finn McQuinn: Uh, Lorken, Lorken, it’s me, “Buildin’” Finn McQuinn. We’re here redoing your house.

Lorken McArdle: [realizes where he is] Aaah, that’s a friend. Come here [hugs McQuinn]

“Buildin’” Finn McQuinn: [uncomfortable with the situation, but plays along anyway] Okay, there we go. There we go. Well, uh, uh, let’s show everybody about.

Lorken McArdle: That’ll be grand.

“Buildin’” Finn McQuinn: All right [takes an ashtray from the table], what we did was we started by emptying out the ashtrays. That gives the space a feel that people haven’t been in here smokin’ all day. [puts the ashtray back on the table]

Lorken McArdle: [touched] It’s—It’s glorious. It’s—It’s the nicest thing anyone has ever done for me.

“Buildin’” Finn McQuinn: All right [walks over to the chair that was next to the door]: Then we took this chair and moved it from over there [indicates the space next to the door] to over here [indicates the chair’s present spot]. It’s what the Chinamen call “feng shui”. Plus, now it covers up the urine stain that was down there.

Lorken McArdle: It’s both…aesthetically pleasing and practical. Oh, you’re my brother now.

“Buildin’” Finn McQuinn: Okay, all right [Lorken hugs McQuinn]: Oh, more hugs. All right. Fantastic. Fantastic. All right [breaks from Lorken’s hug and goes over to the desk]: You’re gonna love this part. Next, [indicates a rack with potatoes sticking out of metal rods] we organized your potatoes with this lovely potato organizer from Ikea.

Lorken McArdle: I’ve been meanin’ to do that.

“Buildin’” Finn McQuinn: All right, and finally, to give the room a bit more of a—of a dimension to it [indicates the mirror now hanging above the desk], we moved this mirror to a more light-reflected location.

Lorken McArdle: [less than pleased] Uh…you did what?

“Buildin’” Finn McQuinn: We—we moved the mirror from—from over there [indicates the empty space above the mantle of the fireplace] to over here [indicates the mirror’s current location]

Lorken McArdle [solemnly] You might like to know that my mother hung that mirror there before she died.

Mrs. McArdle: I told him not to do it!

“Buildin’” Finn McQuinn: Well, look, I’m sorry.

Lorken McArdle: Don’t apologize to me; apologize to her, because you will meet her in Heaven [rolls up the sleeves of his sweater] when I’m done with ya.

“Buildin’” Finn McQuinn: [trying not to start any trouble] Look, we’ll move it back!

Lorken McArdle: It’s too late. I’m gonna kill the lot of ya. And I’m stahting wit’ the big guy [points to Pat, one of the construction workers]

Pat: Ah, bring it on, ya bastard!

[Lorken smashes a chair over Pat’s back. Pat grabs Lorken by the midsection and doesn’t let go, despite that Pat’s construction hat falls off]

“Buildin’” Finn McQuinn: [addressing the camera] Well, this is gone pearshape once again [as McQuinn is talking, Lorken grabs a beer bottle and smashes it over Pat’s head]: Join us next week [Pat punches Lorken in the face as McQuinn closes the show] for another episode of “So, Ya Call This A House, Do Ya?” [Lorken grabs a painting off the wall and shatters it over Pat’s head. McQuinn yells to Pat]: Cover yer face, Pat! [Lorken and Pat strangle each other] Cover yer face!

[dissolve to title card as lively Irish music plays]

[fade out]

Submitted by: Candy

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 5

04e: Liam Neeson / Modest Mouse

Goodnights

…..Liam Neeson

Liam Neeson: Ladies and gentlemen, a big hand and thanks to Modest Mouse. [ audience cheers and applauds ] You’ve been a great audience, I’ve had the time of my life. Thank you, thank you very much.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 5

04e: Liam Neeson / Modest Mouse

Drug-Sniffing Dog

Potsmoker…..Liam Neeson
Potsmoker’s Girl…..Amy Poehler
Officer…..Chris Parnell
Officer Quinn…..Kenan Thompson

[ open on interior police station, as a white trash couple enters ]

Potsmoker’s Girl: What are we doing in a police station?

Potsmoker: Relax, everything’s gonna be cool. We have to find the pot that I lost.

Potsmoker’s Girl: You didn’t lose it, you hid it.

Potsmoker: Exactly. I hid it so no one else could find it, but I forgot where I hid it.

Potsmoker’s Girl: So why are we here? Are you gonna file a “missing pot” report?

Potsmoker: I’m not stupid! They would arrest me if I did that. I’m just gonna borrow one of their drug-sniffing dogs so I can find my weed. Observe. [ casually saunters over to the officer on duty ] Good afternoon, Officer. How are you today?

Officer: I’m fine. How may I help you?

Potsmoker: [ turns to give the thumbs-up to his girlfriend ] I’m part of a community outreach program, and this week we’re volunteering to walk your drug-sniffing dogs, especially the ones that sniff pot.

Officer: We’re not interested.

Potsmoker: I thought you might be a little hesitant. But our special this week not only includes walking the dogs, we’re also gonna wash them. So.. if you could bring out one of your dogs, I can get started.

Officer: Our dogs are very well taken care of. And, besides, I’ve never heard of your organization.

Potsmoker’s Girl: Hey, hey, hey.. can I talk to you real quick?

Potsmoker: Chill out, go wait back there. [ she sits ] Okay, I’m gonna levle with ya’ – I’m not part of a community outreach program.

Officer: I had a hunch.

Potsmoker: Okay, here’s the truth. My kid is turning five years old today, and I promised I would bring a drug-sniffing dog to his party.

Officer: I guess I could have an officer stop by the party for a few minutes.

Potsmoker: Nah, that’s not gonna work.

Officer: Why not?

Potsmoker: No offense, but my kid hates cops. You know, the whole Rodney King thing?

Officer: I thought you said he was five?

Potsmoker: I know, but he watches a lot of A&E. He must have seen Bill Kurtis talk about it, and you know kids. So, just, uh, give me the dog, and I’ll have him back to you in no time.

Officer: Maybe we can work something out. Why don’t you give me your name and address —

Potsmoker: [ chuckles ] Nice try.

Potsmoker’s Girl: Hey! We-we’re late, we should get moving.

Potsmoker: One second, baby. [ faces the officer again ] Okay, Officer, here’s the real deal. I’m gonna lay it out in front of ya’, as is. I’m afraid my son is on drugs.

Officer: Your five year old son?

Potsmoker: Makes your heart weep, don’t it? I want to help him, but at his age, I don’t want to get him in trouble with the law. Especially with the way he feels about you pigs already.

Officer: [ sighs ] Well, I can send an officer over there, and we won’t fill out a report on your son, we’ll just dispose of the drugs.

Potsmoker: Okay, that’s not gonna work, either. This time I’m gonna shoot straight with ya’?

Potsmoker’s Girl: Hey, hey, hey, hey! We should really get out of here, and just go buy some more P-O-T!

Officer: [ sighs ] I’m a grown man, and I know what that spells.

Potsmoker: She’s just kidding, Officer. Now, where were we?

Officer: Sir! I’m not giving you a drug-sniffing dog!

Potsmoker: Okay! Here it is. Scout’s honor. You’ve heard of Homeland Security, right?

Officer: No!

Potsmoker: You’ve never heard of —

Officer: I have heard of it, I mean “No!” to your story.

Potsmoker: Check it out, guy – my grandma has glaucoma —

Officer: No!

Potsmoker: I.. misplaced my hemp belt.

Officer: Hmm.. no!

Potsmoker’s Girl: W-we can’t find our Willie Nelson albums?

Potsmoker: Yeah!

Officer: No!

Potsmoker: Oh, come on, man! just be cool, let me borrow the dog!

Officer: No, I’m sorry, I can’t be “cool.”

Potsmoker: Dude! You are bumming me out! [ points to a black officer ] I want to talk to the black cop out there!

Officer: [ sighs ] Officer Quinn. This gentlemen would like to talk to you about borrowing one of our dogs.

Officer Quinn: A drug-sniffing dog.

Officer: One of our drug-sniffing dogs.

Officer Quinn: Why do you want the dog?

Potsmoker: It’s funny you should ask. [ looks at the first officer ] Uh.. do you mind butting out of this?

Officer: Not at all. [ promptly exits ]

Officer Quinn: Mmm-hmm.. oh, you hid it? Okay.. now you can’t find it? Alright. Oh, ’cause I’m black, I’m supposed to be cool? Right, right, right. So you need a dog? You know, I think we got it.

Potsmoker: So, we’re cool?

Officer Quinn: Hell, no, we not cool! Man, you lucky I don’t arrest you!

Potsmoker: For real?

Officer Quinn: [ whispers ] No, not for real. Meet me in the back in five minutes. [ gives thumbs-up ] Now, get out of here!

[ first officer returns ]

Officer Quinn: Man, that guy was crazy.

Officer: Mmm-hmm.

Officer Quinn: [ fakes a yawn ] I’m tired! I think I’m gonna take an early lunch. You know, maybe take Rusty with me. Come on, Rusty! [ exits ]

Officer: I’ll see you later. [ back to business ] Uh, Crystal? Someone has posted your bail, so if you’ll just come over here and sign this for me..

[ dissolve to a smoke-filled room in a trailer, the white trash couple and Officer Quinn lying on the couch listening to Willie Nelson music as a small kid runs circles around them ]

Officer Quinn: Yeah.. oh, hell, Willie, sing it!

Potsmoker: Willie’s the best!

Officer Quinn: Yeah, he sure is. Hey, can you tell oyur kid to take off that Spiderman mask? He’s freaking me out.

Potsmoker’s Girl: We don’t know that kid!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 5

04e: Liam Neeson / Modest Mouse

Wake up San Diego

Trevor Green…..Liam Neeson
Joyce Ann Golden…..Maya Rudolph
Darnell Martinez…..Kenan Thompson
Toby Fredericks…..Chris Parnell

(Open with the Wake Up San Diego logo of a big bright sun)

Announcer: You’re watching Wake up San Diego with Joyce Ann Golden and Trevor Green.

(Upbeat jazzy tune plays while Joyce and Trevor dance with great enthusiasm in their talk show studio )

Joyce: Ugh, ugh. Oh, my goodness. Wow. Excellent, excellent. Can we talk about that music. Is that new?

Trevor: It sounded new. I felt I was in one of my favorite jazz clubs. Toby, was that a new new theme.

Toby: Yes, it is new. We’re trying to to shake things up around here.

Joyce: Well that is really great. Who was it Toby – Winston Marseilles or one of the Marseilles brothers?

Trevor: Was that Winston, Toby?

Toby: No, I believe it’s called City Groove.

Joyce: Well it sounded great. I mean really, really great. Didn’t it, Trevor.

Trevor: Yes, it did. Well good morning everybody.

Joyce: It is a good morning. We have a terrific show for you today.

Trevor: I’m Trevor Green.

Joyce: And I’m Joyce Ann Golden and this is Wake up San Diego. Oh, wait a minute.

(Groovy music plays and Trevor and Joyce get up and dance. Joyce dances jumping in one place, Trevor gyrates his hips, makes masks with his fingers, snaps his fingers, Joyce does the robot, Toby looks on smiling)

Joyce: Go ahead, go ahead. Ugh, ugh. Go ahead. I can’t stop, I can’t stop. I got,I got the fever. I can’t stop. I got the fever. Hey, owww. (music stops) Toby, Toby, whoever is on sound today is really really making me move my junk, I just love it!

Trevor: Me too! This sound is fresh! (they sit down) Was that the Spinners, Toby?

Joyce: Or an instrumental of one of the Spinners?

Toby: (a little stressed) I don’t know, but let’s keep the show rolling.

Joyce: Woo! Well all right.

Trevor: What a show we have today, right, Joyce Ann?

Joyce: It sure is, Trevor. You know I’ve been through a lot over the past year with the identity theft and the kidnapping. But that is nothing compared to what our first guest has been through.

Trevor: That’s right, Joyce Ann. Now this man’s story is shocking. Please welcome Darnell Martinez.

(Enters Darnell and vibrant Latin music plays sending Joyce Ann into a frenzy shaking her skirt wildly, Trevor dances too to the Latin beat)

Joyce: Woo! Kikikikikikikiki!! Wooo, yeah. I can’t stop, I can’t stop! (Darnell smiles shyly and when approached by Joyce starts dancing too) Can you stop! I can even stop!(Joyce plays air guitar) Feels realgood! (Toby watches them and smiles, music stops)

Trevor: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Welcome to the show.

Joyce: Welcome, my goodness. That sort of had a Latin vibe. Didn’t you think Trevor?

Trevor: Yes, yes, yes.

Joyce: Toby, was that a Latin groove?

Trevor: Was that Celia Cruz, Toby?

Joyce: It could’ve been Miami Sound Machine. Was that the Machine, Toby?

Toby: Apparently, it’s from a Starbucks mix CD called Caliente Fever. But hey, let’s focus on our guest.

Joyce: Well, aye, aye Captain. (military salute)

Trevor: So, Darnell tell us. You think that was Celia Cruz?

Darnell: (caught off guard) I’m really not sure. I haven’t been listening much these days because of my situation.

Joyce: Darnell, why don’t you tell our audience what you’ve been through.

Darnell: All right well, my house burned down (audience awws) Yeah and the insurance won’t pay for it (audience awws) because my wife set some curling irons on top of some papers towels.

Joyce: You can’t do that.

Trevor: Let’s take a look at the devastation.

(slow soulful music plays)

(picture of the house burning at night; audience awws. Second picture of the already burnt house during the day; audience awws)

Trevor: That’s just terrible.

Joyce: Toby, Toby what’s that music underneath?

(again Joyce and Trevor get up and dance slowly)

Trevor: That is smooth, Toby crank it up. I’m going in, I’m going in. (Trevor inhales and exhales deeply while doing yoga like moves and meditating, Darnells looks confused)

Joyce: Go in. Go into the inner you. Oh, oh.

Trevor: Oh, yes. Oh yes.

(Joyce makes a snake dance and gets close to Darnell standing on one leg brushes his face with her hair. Music stops.)

Joyce: Woo! Who was that? Spiro Gyra, Toby?

Trevor: Or a young band with a Spiro Gyra vibe?

Toby: (Feeling aggravated) Do you really want me to find out? Is it that important to you?

Joyce: Ohh! Toby Fredericks everyone. (Toby smiles)

Trevor: Our producer. We love you, Toby.

Joyce: So Darnell. Your wife died in the fire, right?

Darnell: No she’s fine. You just refused to fly her out here.

Joyce: Did we, Toby? (Toby nods yes, embarrassed) All right, you know what Darnell? We have something for you.

Darnell: (getting excited) Oh, no! Don’t tell me this. I knew when you asked me on the show something good would happen. (emotional) I might cry.

Joyce: Well don’t you cry because I might ugly cry. Come on.

Trevor: Come on here Darnell. (All three get up and walk over to a podium with a gift wrapped box on top of it) See this box? In it are the keys (beat) to your happiness.

Darnell: Oh, my God! Did you get me a house?

Trevor: No, something better. (Reveals a CD with Joyce and Trevor on the cover smiling)

Joyce: OHHH!!

Trevor: A Wake up San Diego CD sampler with all the great music used on the show, today!!

Joyce: Oww!!Check that out! Well Darnell’s face says it all!

Trevor: We’ll be right back after this!

(City groove plays, Joyce and Trevor dance and Darnell holds up the cd confused and looking around the studio for help)

(Cheers and applause)

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 5

04e: Liam Neeson / Modest Mouse

Kerry Calls Bush

President George W. Bush…..Will Forte
John Kerry…..Seth Meyers
Theresa Heintz-Kerry…..Maya Rudolph
Al Gore…..Darrell Hammond

[ open on exterior, White House ]

[ dissolve to interior, Oval Office, President George W. Bush at his desk ]

Intercom: Mr. President? You’ve got a phone call from Sen. Kerry.

President George W. Bush: Thanks, Ashley. [ picks up phone ] Hello there, John.

[ split-screen ]

John Kerry: Hello, George! I just wanted to call and congratulate the man who ran the most ruthlessly efficient campaign in the history of the nation.

President George W. Bush: Well, thank you. I’ll tell Karl Rove. [ chuckles ]

John Kerry: I was talking about you, George. So, how’s everything else?

President George W. Bush: Well, you know.. I don’t know. I got so much work to do. I’ve got to clean up the mess left by the previous administration.

John Kerry: Well, in that respect, I don’t envy you, George!

President George W. Bush: Yeah, well, tell me about it, you know. I don’t know if you’ve been paying attention, but the economy is in shambles. You know, we haven’t caught Osama bin Laden because we outsourced the job to those.. those crazy Moo-lahs and – heck! Don’t get me started on Iraq. You know that’s just.. that’s just a nightmare. What about you? What are you up to?

John Kerry: [ sips a frozen mixed drink, as a waiter delivers a second ] Not much of anything. Just hanging out, really. Recovering. Pretty boring stuff.

President George W. Bush: That sounds, uh.. awesome

John Kerry: Well, I have to be honest – it was rough at first. But then my accountant told me how much money I would save under your administration. It was hard not to feel like a winner. Plus, my wife has citizenship in, like, eight countries, so, if this joint goes down, I’ve got plenty of outs! [ Theresa Heintz-Kerry nudges John ] Oh, wait, hold on, she wants to talk to you.

Theresa Heintz-Kerry: Whoooooo!! Congratulations, George! I knew you could do it! Listen, tell Laura I said Hello. Hug her awkwardly for me, okay? [ blows a kiss ]

President George W. Bush: Will do.

John Kerry: [ back on the phone with Bush ] Oh, isn’t she great? To think that I married her for her money and I got so much more – houses.. cars.. an ostrich ranch; it’s fantastic!

President George W. Bush: Wow, John, you know, I’ve never heard you sound so relaxed and easygoing.

John Kerry: Curse of the Democrats, George. We save likeable and charming for the concession speech. When it counts – stiff, cold and wooden. When the campaign’s over, we’re the life of the party!

Voice: Whoo-hoo-hooooo!!!!

[ Al Gore sits ]

Al Gore: Well, well, well. John, I have the shuffleboard court reserved for 4:30.

John Kerry: I’ll be there in a few minutes, Al.

Al Gore: Well, come quick, there’s a lot of great games. Tipper and I just won a limbo contest by a decisive margin. Who are you talking to?

John Kerry: George. He says he’s swamped at work.

Al Gore: Let me talk to him. [ takes the phone ] Congratulations, George.

President George W. Bush: Thanks, Al! And I actually won this one, you know! It feels, uh, weird, you know?

Al Gore: I just want to thank you again for what you did to me four years ago. Losing to you was the best thing that ever happened to me. I mean, I keep telling John now’s the time to grow a beard, hang out with Ben Affleck, and start yelling a lot! People really seem to respond to that.

President George W. Bush: Well, uh.. you know, it sure sounds like you’re having fun.

Al Gore: Well, like I always says: “Do do do do do – I’m loving it!” [ chuckles ]

President George W. Bush: Alright. Al, Al, Al, Al.. could you put John back on the phone, please?

Al Gore: Oh, snippy. [ returns the phone to John ]

John Kerry: [ laughing ] Oh, I love that goofball! Come on, George, I’m sure you and your friends are having fun, too.

President George W. Bush: You know, that’s the thing. All my friends are leaving. You know: Ashcroft; Don Evans; Rumsfeld’s gonna go; Colin Powell cleared out his office, like, two years ago, you know? That guy is gone. You know that feeling you had in college, when all your friends were gradge-e-ating, but you still had, like, two more semesters of math requirements? It’s like that.

John Kerry: Well, I’m sure you’re gonna find some good people.

President George W. Bush: Yeah. I’m sure I will. Everything’s gonna be fine.. I guess.

John Kerry: Well, that’s the spirit!

[ John pauses to take a sip from his frozen drink, as Bush waits patiently ]

President George W. Bush: Switch with me!

John Kerry: I’m sorry, w-what?

President George W. Bush: Switch with me. Please! You know, I can find more votes for you in Ohio. [ chuckles ] Trust me – I know where to look!

John Kerry: No, no, I don’t think that’s a good idea, George.

President George W. Bush: Oh, it can work, John. You know? It worked in “The Parent Trap.”

John Kerry: They were twins, George.

President George W. Bush: But what am I gonna do?

John Kerry: George, this is a very important time in our country. People need you to lead them.

President George W. Bush: I guess you’re right, John. You know? It’s time to be decisive. Now, this may not be the popular thing to say, but I’m gonna say it. [ hangs up his phone ] “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

SNL Transcripts