SNL Tonight

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 5


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:

Bit Players:


November 13th, 2004

Liam Neeson

Modest Mouse

None

None

John Lutz

Jason Sudeikis

JB Smoove
Kerry Calls BushSummary: After losing the presidential election, John Kerry (Seth Meyers) calls to congratulate George W. Bush (Will Forte) on his victory. A dismayed Bush wishes they could change places.

Recurring Characters: George W. Bush, John Kerry, Theresa Heintz-Kerry, Al Gore.

Transcript

Montage

Liam Neeson’s MonologueSummary: Liam Neeson counters the usual SNL ethnic stereotypes by not allowing them on the show.

Bio: Liam Neeson (1952-). Actor; minored in Drama while pursuing a teaching degree in England; films include “The Dead Pool” (1988), “Schindler’s List” (1993), “Star Wars: Episode I – The Phantom Menace” (1999), “Gangs of New York” (2002), “Kinsey” (2004).

Recurring Characters: Billy Smith.

Transcript

Star Jones’ Wedding NightSummary: Crazy antics take place the night before Star Jones’ (Kenan Thompson) wedding.

Recurring Characters: Star Jones, Al Reynolds, Barbara Walters, Sean Connery, Liza Minnelli.

Note: Even though Darrell Hammond is still in the cast, Liam Neeson curiously plays the part of Sean Connery.

You Call This A House, Do Ya?Summary: “Buildin'” Finn McQuinn (Seth Meyers) and the home repair crew give an Irish home makeover.

Transcript

Dr. Porkenheimer’s Boner JuiceSummary: The juice that can keep men sexually-active for up to four hours.

Note: Rob Riggle’s erection under the sheets is edited out of the rebroadcasts.

Note: Repeat from 04a.

Jasper the ParrotSummary: After a night out, Phoebe (Rachel Dratch) brings her date (Liam Neeson) home to meet her giant parrot, Jasper (Fred Armisen).

Recurring Characters: Phoebe.

Transcript

Wake Up San DiegoSummary: Joyce Ann Golden (Maya Rudolph) and Trevor Green (Liam Neeson) waste time by repeatedly dancing to the morning show’s theme music.

Transcript

Modest Mouse performs “Float On”Bio: Indie rock trio; formed in 1993 by vocalist/guitarist Isaac Brock, bassist Eric Judy, and drummer Jeremiah Green; got its unusual name from an obscure reference to the American middle class.

Lyrics

Weekend Update with Tina Fey & Amy PoehlerSummary: John Ashcroft (Darrell Hammond) comments on his resignation from the Bush cabinet. College student Doug Stradley (Seth Meyers) makes a late comments on the election. Deaf comic Richie B. (Fred Armisen) insults his interpretor, Marcus (Kenan Thompson), by telling black jokes.

Recurring Characters: John Ashcroft, Richie B, Marcus.

Transcript

Appalachian Emergency RoomSummary: More hillbilly hijinks at the Appalachian Emergency Room.

Recurring Characters: Receptionist, Percy Bo Dance, Netti Bo Dance, Willie Tater, Mrs. Denmont, Jake Denmont, Tyler.

Drug-Sniffing DogSummary: After misplacing their stash, a pot-loving couple (Liam Neeson, Amy Poehler) ask a policeman (Chris Parnell) if they can borrow one of their drug-sniffing dogs.

Transcript

Modest Mouse performs “Ocean Breathes Salty”Lyrics

GoodnightsTranscript

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Dress Rehearsal Cuts

TV FunhouseSummary: In Rob Smigel’s cartoon, President Bush invents a de-gaying machine, which he haphazardly demonstrates on celebrities.

Note: This cartoon will later air in the episode hosted by Luke Wilson.

Bear CitySummary: In high school, a boy bear’s friends embarrass him in front of a group of girl bears.

The David Mack Wilson ShowSummary: Ten-year old David Mack Wilson (Rachel Dratch) interviews actor Liam Neeson.

Bear CitySummary: Frustration culminates when a bear tries to get cigarettes from a gas station.

Note: This short film will air in the episode hosted by Paris Hilton.

Chinese RestaurantSummary: A couple (Chris Parnell, Amy Poehler) dining at a Chinese restaurant are flummoxed when they see their waiters’ (Horatio Sanz, Liam Neeson) ying-yangs sticking out.

WheelchairSummary: In a short film, a man (Scott Wainio) in a wheelchair feels sorry for himself.

PapaSummary: Papa (Liam Neeson) destroys expensive items every time he sits on them.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 4

04d: Kate Winslet / Eninem

Goodwin Wig & Toy

Glenda Goodwin…..Maya Rudolph

Glenda Goodwin: Does Halloween scare you? Do trick-or-treaters give you the heebie-jeebies? Are you afraid to attend your office Halloween party for fear that your co-workers will be dressed at evil skeletons, and it will freak you out?

Hi, I’m Glenda Goodwin. Halloween costumes scare the crap out of me. That’s why at Goodwin Wig & Toy, you can get non-ooogly-gooogly costumes, that will make you very happy. Not like you want to poop your drawers. Like…[pictures of various costumes appear] businessman … carrot … giant sunglasses … disco rollerskater … hot dog [picture of hot dog man eating hot dog]. Ahh! Get that picture out of there. That hot dog is scary. Who told that hot dog to eat a baby hot dog? Ooh, that made me feel weird. Damn it!

At Goodwin Wig & Toy, you’ll find everything you need to keep the nightmares away. But just in case you were wondering, here are some of the horrors NOT available at Goodwin Wig & Toy. Like…[pictures of various costumes appear] hobgoblins … freakzoids … goonies … devil squirrel … Tommy Chong … funny nomcrils … and baby Dracula.

Oh, no way Jose. Those pictures just gave me chicken skin. Did you see that baby Dracula? Nu-uh, you get the hell away baby Dracula. I will hit you with a shovel. I will say it again, I do not care for Halloween. So, do you want to be a scary freak this Halloween, or a nice person? It’s your choice. But I’ll tell you one thing, if you come to my house dressed like a zombie wolf, you’ll be leaving empty handed. Except for the ice pack you’ll be holding against your nuts. Oh, ill get it.

[gorilla is at the door, screaming]

Oh, hi. Oh no! [Glenda kicks gorilla in the nuts] You should have gone to Goodwin Wig & Toy.

Announcer: Goodwin Wig & Toy, located at 455 South Cesar Chavez Way.

[fade out]

Transcribed by: Chris Fuentes

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 4

04d: Kate Winslet / Eninem

Rap Night with Chubb Hotty

Chubb Hotty…..Horatio Sanz
DJ Sugar Shock…..Kenan Thompson
Norah Jones…..Kate Winslet

(Logo Rap Night with Chubb Hotty appears on screenwritten in graffiti, cut to DJ Sugar Shock standing infront of panel with sound levels, turntables and amicrophone, plays heavy rap beat)

DJ Sugar Shock: Yo´, Yo´, This is DJ Sugar Shocksaying its time for Rap Night with your host thebiggest, fattest, dopest rapper in the world, ChubbHotty!! Holla!

(Curtains go up revealing fat as hell rapper ChubbHotty with mic on hand. Starts rapping and his songappears on captions at the bottom of the screen)

Chubb Hotty: Yo´, yo´, yo´, I am Chubb Hotty fattestrapper around and I´ve tasted all the yummy ladies inthis whole damn town, I´ve been a playa ass pimp fromthe beginning of time, I ate a batch of Tortellini offyour mother´s behind, cause I´m fat, funky and superslick, I clean my nuts with a sponge tied to the endof a stick, Yeah!!! (Song ends, crowd cheers)What´s upeverybody!! Wooo!! Welcome to the show everybody. TheRed Sox won the World Series(cheers and boos) Yeah,yeah speaking of Red Sox’s, I wear a special kind ofsocks to keep my circulation going so my feet don´tturn black and fall off. (confused look from DJ SugarShock)All right, let´s get this mother starteeeeed!!!

(DJ spins the turntables, plays funky beat and Chubbwalks over and sits in big ass sofa, has troublesitting in it)

Chubb Hotty: Ohhhh, ahhh, ufff, so DJ Sugar Shock whatdid you do this weekend, man?

DJ Sugar Shock: Oh, you know I took the kids to a carshow. What you do?

Chubb Hotty: I filled my hot tub of Chef Boyardee andI had an orgy in it.(stunned look from DJ)OK, now itstime for my new dope segment “What´s the weirdestthing you ever ate?”

(DJ plays pleasant game show tune and sings “What´sthe weirdest thing you ever ate”, cute smile)

Chubb Hotty: Oh, I´ll go first. Ummm, one time I putsome bleu cheese on a old futon and I ate it. Whatabout you Sugar Shock?

DJ Sugar Shock: Bleu cheese and a futon? I was gonnasay frog legs, man. But you win,you always win.

Chubb Hotty: Oh man, that was fun. My first guesttonight is one of my favorite artists. She sure ispretty and I think she weighs as same as my kneecap.She´s here to perform our duet. “Don´t know why, toget up off me” remix. Everybody, please welcome thelovely Norah Jones!

(Norah sits at the piano, plays and sings with Chubbjoining in rapping in between verses of Norah´s hitsong. Chubb stands next to the piano)

Norah Jones: I waited till I saw the sun….

Chubb Hotty: Yeah, yeah….

Norah Jones: Don´t know why I didn´t call….

Chubb Hotty: I don´t know either….

Norah Jones: I left you by the house of fun….

Chubb Hotty: Wasn´t fun for me….

Norah Jones: Don´t know why I didn´t come by….

Chubb Hotty: Yeah, yeah I don´t know why you didn´tcome by either, I figured you forgot we had a date soI ordered a pie, pizza that is, big as a trampolinemore cheese and sausages on that that the factory atJimmy Dean´s….

Norah Jones: My heart is drenched on wine….

Chubb Hotty: Yeah, yeah, my heart is drenched inCrisco, had a triple by-pass back in San Francisco….

Norah Jones: You´ll be on my mind….forever….

Chubb Hotty: Yeah, yeah you´ll be on my mind toounless I see a Wendy´s or a Chicken Cuckaroo….

Norah Jones: Don´t know why I didn´t come now….

Chubb Hotty: Yeah, yeah….

Norah Jones: Don´t know why, I didn´t come.(Song ends)

Chubb Hotty: WOOO!! JEAH! I CAN´T SEE MY OWNDONG!!PEACE!!! Give me some love, sweetheart!

(Chubb wants to high five Norah and falls on the pianocrushing it. Sound of discordant piano keys, Chubb hastrouble getting up, gets up and walks back to big asssofa a little embarrassed. Norah sits on chair besidehim)

Chubb Hotty: Sorry about your piano.

Norah Jones: Yeah, it´s a…no problem.

DJ Sugar Shock: Man, Chubb that´s like the 3rd pianoyou broke this week!

Chubb Hotty: Well, that was a good nice song. Thanksfor being with us today, Norah.

Norah Jones: Yes, thanks for having me. Last time Isaw you was at that incident at the Olive Garden.

Chubb Hotty: Ummm, they lied to me. “All you can eat”What a load of bull. Wasn´t that bull, Sugar Shock?

DJ Sugar Shock: Chubb, you was eating the plants, man.They ran out of food and you started eating theplants. Like a dinosaur.

Chubb Hotty: I´m just glad no one got hurt.

Norah Jones: Chubb, they had to shoot you with anelephant tranquilizer and cut a hole on the wall toget you out of there.

Chubb Hotty: Que sera ,sera. Ok, now it´s time for meand Norah to do another song. You ready, girl?

Norah Jones: You destroyed my piano.

Chubb Hotty: You only brought one with you? You knowthat you´re doing this show, right? All right then,how about I just do my own joint? I called this”Bustin´rhymes and busting zipphaaass” Deejay!

(DJ plays rap beat, Chubb dances around and raps)

Chubb Hotty: You think you know who i am cause Iweight 800 pounds, I make make to your girlfriend andshe´s still making sounds, you think your weak rhymesmake me broken hearted, I eat so much nasty food thatmy kidneys are farting….(PPPPPPFFFFTTTTTT!! Horriblefart)

DJ Sugar Shock: Oh, Lord Chubb!, the smell is comingthrough the P.A. (fart continues)

Norah Jones: Smells like pepper spray and oldbroccoli!

Chubb Hotty: Yeah, yeah, (cracks up a little bit)Youall better get out of the studio! For your own safety.(Norah leaves disgusted)That´s all the time we haveleft. This is Chubby Hotty saying join me next timewhen my guests will be 500 hot dogs. Stay tuned forthe Tony Dans Show!

(Logo of Rap Night with Chubby Hatty appears on screenagain)

(Cheers and applause)

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 4

04d: Kate Winslet / Eninem

NBC Special Report

Tom Brokaw…..Chris Parnell
Osama Bin Laden…..Seth Myers
Voice of Translator…..Jim Downey

[ NBC Special Report graphic ]

Announcer: This is an NBC Special Report. Here’s Tom Brokaw.

[ Dissolve to Tom Brokaw ]

Tom Brokaw: Good evening. The much-anticipated October surprise of this 2004 election may finally have materialized. Yesterday, a new videotape of Osama Bin Laden, in which the al-Qaeda leader continues his attacks on the United States and even addresses the upcoming Presidential election, appeared on Arab televison. Here now, in its unedited form and with a translation provided by the State Department, is that tape.

[ Dissolve to Osama Bin Laden. On the upper left hand corner of the screen is a caption that reads “Voice of translator”. At the bottom of the screen appears translated text.]

Voice of translator: “Hello. I am Osama Bin Laden. And Allah be praised, this is my message to the American people. In a few days, you will hold your election to choose between the ignorant cowboy Bush and the gigolo Kerry. Over the last several months, I have been approached repeatedly by representatives of both candidates, who would ask me if I would please endorse their opponents. But I have refused to do this. First, because frankly, I find this request sort of insulting, which it really is, if you think about it. Especially coming from Bush, who has not shown the least bit of interest in me since he invaded Iraq. And also, because to me, voting is a private matter, and one which I take very seriously.

For a time, I feared that I would not be eligible to vote in this election. But recently, praise Allah, I was tracked down by two volunteers from the Kerry campaign. They signed me up, and apparently, I am now registered in Cincinnati. Since then, I’ve tried hard to follow the campaign, and to study both the candidates, and the issues. This has often been frustrating, as I am constantly moving from cave to cave here in the mountains of Northwest Pakistan, and thus have very little contact with the outside world. The only person I see regularlyis Michael Moore. And frankly, I am not sure I can believe half of what he tells me.

So, I am not as well-informed a voter as I would like. But, that having been said, here are my thoughts on the election so far. First of all, I must say, I have been very disappointed with the negative tone of the campaign. It would be nice if, just once, the candidates would stop attacking each other, and instead talk about the issues.

What issues? Well, for one thing, living as I do, like a hunted animal, moving from one cave to another, never staying two nights in the same place, and all that time, needing regular dialysis for a kidney ailment, has really brought home to me the importance of quality health care. Kerry at least has a health care plan, but my question is, “how is he going to pay for it?”, especially after my organization acheives its goal of destroying the US economy.

Next, there’s the issue of Social Security. The baby boomer generation is about to retire, and what happens then? But unfortunately, neither candidate seems willing to talk about Social Security. That, and the use of Christian and Muslim babies’ blood by the Jews in their rituals, are the two great un-discussed issues of this election.

Then there’s the issue of stem-cell research. Here, I admit, I don’t know quite what to think. But it’s important to make an informed decision, because, after all, we are talking about human life here.

I guess I’d like to get information on the subject, which is not easy, since again, I live in a cave. On the whole, if you ask my opinion, I don’t see much difference between the two candidates, although, and I will probably get in trouble for saying this, I cannot stand Teresa Heinz Kerry. She is just awful. Just awful. Our religion forbids us to strike a woman although, I admit, I do it all the time, and I know I shouldn’t. But if she were my wife, as Allah is my witness, I would not stop beating her.

So, where does that leave me? Like many of you, undecided, and wondering how, in a country as large as America, this is the choice we were left with. But to be fair, the wicked people of America have no one to blame but themselves. You invade our countries and steal our resources. You are indifferent to our poverty and our customs. You export your own perverted culture, like your degrading reality shows, and, far worse, your lip-synching pop stars. What a disgrace! It’s one thing for a J.Lo to use a guide track, the woman does full choreography. But a girl who doesn’t even dance? On a Live”…broadcast? Where have your standards gone? Then she blames acid reflux. I’m sorry. That is just evil.

So, whomever you elect, consider your lost values. That is the biggerpicture–to restore the meaning of the words, “Land of the Free”, “All Men Are Created Equal,” and especially…”Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!!!”

Transcribed by: Jrcarter9175

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 4

04d: Kate Winslet / Eninem

Goodnights

…..Kate Winslet

Kate Winslet: Thanks to Eminem! Johnny Damon! and everyone at “SNL”! Thank you!!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 4


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


October 30th, 2004

Kate Winslet

Eminem

None

Johnny Damon

Proof
NBC Special ReportSummary: Osama bin Laden (Seth Meyers) delivers a videotaped message about the U.S. Election and Ashlee Simpson’s appearance on last week’s episode of “Saturday Night Live.”

Recurring Characters: Tom Brokaw, Osama bin Laden.

Transcript

Montage

Kate Winslet’s MonologueSummary: Following last week’s Ashlee Simpson debacle, Kate Winslet sings and dances in order to prove that the show really is live.

Bio: Kate Winslet (1975-). Actress; often prefers to play “devilish damsels” on film rather than traditional starlet roles; films include “Titanic” (1997) and “Finding Neverland” (2004).

Rap NightSummary: Extremely overweight rapper Chubb Hottie (Horatio Sanz) welcomes singer/songwriter Norah Jones (Kate Winslet).

Recurring Characters: Chubb Hottie, DJ Sugar Shock.

Transcript

Mrs. Dr. FrankensteinSummary: Mrs. Dr. Frankenstein (Kate Winslet) builds her perfect man (Fred Armisen), who turns out to be a gay monster.

Recurring Characters: Frankenstein.

TV FunhouseSummary: Rob Smigel cartoon pokes fun of John McCain, who can’t bring himself to deliver a Bush campaign support speech.

Clinton’s EndorsementSummary: While helping out on his campaign, Bill Clinton (Darrell Hammond) receives greater praise than John Kerry (Seth Meyers).

Recurring Characters: John Kerry, Bruce Springsteen, Clarence Clemons, Teresa Heinz Kerry, Bill Clinton.

Eminem performs “Mosh”First Performed: 99c.

Weekend Update with Tina Fey & Amy PoehlerSummary: Seth Meyers and Johnny Damon are thrilled by the Red Sox’s World Series win. Will Forte belches out his favorite Halloween songs. After becoming a naturalized citizen of the United States, Diego (Fred Armisen) explores Democracy Plaza. Elton John (Horatio Sanz) comments on Ashlee Simpson’s lip-synching debacle.

Recurring Characters: Elton John.

Bio: Johnny Damon (1973-). Athlete; outfielder for the Boston Red Sox, 2002-05.

Kaitlin At The MallSummary: Kaitlin (Amy Poehler) begs her older cousin (Kate Winslet) to pierce her ears.

Recurring Characters: Kaitlin, Rick.

Eminem with Proof performs “Just Lose It”Bio: Proof (1973-2006). Rapper; appeared with Eminem in the film “8 Mile” (2002); shot to death outside a Detroit club after killing a military veteran.

Goodwin Wig & ToySummary: Glenda Goodwin (Maya Rudolph) only sells non-frightening Halloween costumes.

Recurring Characters: Glenda Goodwin.

Transcript

Election Map ColorsSummary: Prior to reporting election coverage, Tim Russert (Darrell Hammond) and Tom Brokaw (Chris Parnell) try to pick a neutral color to represent the uncounted states.

Recurring Characters: Tim Russert, Tom Brokaw.

GoodnightsTranscript

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Dress Rehearsal Cuts

Halloween InterventionSummary: Friends gather round at a Halloween party to helptheir heavy-drinking friend (Chris Parnell).

Fight Back with Victor RamosSummary: Victor Ramos (Horatio Sanz) shows a Chicago Transit Authority employee (Kate Winslet) the proper way to fight terrorism.

Note: This sketch will eventually air in next season’s episode hosted by Dane Cook.

DivorceSummary: Parents (Chris Parnell, Kate Winslet) struggle to find a way to break the news of their impending divorce to their children (Rachel Dratch, Amy Poehler, Will Forte).

Mexican FiestaSummary: Pitchman (Fred Armisen) promotes a Mexican spice that turns taco eaters into offensive Mexican stereotypes.

Its HappeningsSummary: Terrye Funck (Chris Parnell) hosts his cable access show from a low-rent buffet.

Recurring Characters: Terry Funcke.

John Kerry AdSummary: Women are eager to vote for John Kerry (Seth Meyers).

Recurring Characters: John Kerry.

Restraining OrderSummary: In a short film, a man (Scott Wainio) has a restraining order placed on him.

Bear CitySummary: Frustration culminates when a bear tries to get cigarettes from a gas station.

Note: This short film will air in the episode hosted by Paris Hilton.

Bear CitySummary: In high school, a boy bear’s friends embarrass him in front of a group of girl bears.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 3

04c: Jude Law / Ashlee Simpson

Weekend Update with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler

…..Tina Fey
…..Amy Poehler
Ghost of Babe Ruth…..Horatio Sanz
Ghost of Lulu…..Rachel Dratch

Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, it’s “Weekend Update,” with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler!

[applause]

Amy Poehler: Hello, I’m Amy Poehler.

Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey, and here are tonight’s top stories:

This week, in an attempt to appeal to pro-gun voters in the battleground state of Ohio, John Kerry and some friends walked into the woods to retrieve four geese that had been strangled and left for them by Democratic operatives.

Kerry appeared close with his fellow hunters, but as soon as they left, he accused them of raping the geese and setting fire to geese villages.

Amy?

Amy Poehler: Kerry then tried to win over Cuban voters in Florida by shooting Fidel Castro.

Dick Cheney says that because of his history with heart disease, he has received a flu shot, even though they are in short supply. Cheney added, “But even if I was healthy I woulda gotten one, so suck it.”

Tina Fey: Election offices across Florida opened last Monday to give black voters the option of being turned away early. [applause]

This y-[continued applause] This year’s winner of Family Circlemagazine’s Presidential Cookie Bake-off was Laura Bush’s Oatmeal Chocolate Chunk cookies, which beat Teresa Heinz Kerry’s Portuguese Ketchup Rhinocerous bars.

That lady’s weird.

Amy Poehler: Looks gross!

Martha Stewart reportedly spent her first week in prison playing Scrabble and charming her fellow prisoners. And tunneling. Furiously tunneling!

Tina Fey: Well, the Red Sox beat the Yankees this week, and adv- [cheers] Yes, advanced to the World Series for the first time since 1986, they’re already up one game in the World Series- [more cheers] which raises the question: is the curse of the Bambino over?

[moaning heard in the distance]

What is that?

Amy Poehler: What is that?

Tina Fey: It sounds like scary ghost, or someth-

Amy Poehler: Yes! I’m scared, Tina, it’s a terrifying sound!

Tina Fey: I don’t like it!

[more moaning. Pan to the ghost of Babe Ruth, applause]

Ghost of Babe Ruth: What are you talkin’ about, lady? I cursed the hell outa them good-for-nothin’ Red Sox! What about that game, that 18- that 19-8 game? Yeah, I tried to mess up Schilling’s ankle, blood come out of his socket an’ everything. Hey, you know what? I also gave Johnny Damon that ladies haircut!

Tina Fey: Alright, but that was the first two games. What about Game Four? Where were you in Game Four?

Ghost of Babe Ruth: Well, you know what, Game Four looked like the game was in the bag, so you know, I left. Uh, me, Mickey Mantle and Rodney Dangerfield, we went and got a few beers. And then I entered a ghost hotdog-eating contest. And I, uh, passed out.

Amy Poehler: You passed out for Game Four?

Ghost of Babe Ruth: Game Four…Five, Six, and Seven.

Amy Poehler: So you only had a few beers, is that what you’re saying?

Ghost of Babe Ruth: And some gasoline.

Tina Fey: Aw, you drank gasoline??

Ghost of Babe Ruth: Yeah, and some horse tranquilizers. Listen–

Tina Fey: Aw, Babe!

Ghost of Babe Ruth: That’s nothing new. One time I passed out for the whole season. And I still hit forty homers! [holds bat in front of him, but realizes he’s holding it the wrong way] Like this, I was left-handed.

[more moaning; the ghost of Babe Ruth’s hooker enters]

Amy Poehler: Oh, another ghost!

Ghost of Babe Ruth: This is, uh, Lulu. She’s, uh, my ghost hooker.

Amy Poehler: Oh my gosh.

Ghost of Lulu: Bambino! Whooo! I’m waiting out for you in the ghost car!

Tina Fey: This is your ghost hooker? So you’re telling me you were at a ghost hotdog-eating contest–

Ghost of Babe Ruth: Right.

Tina Fey: With Rodney Dangerfield’s ghost, and a ghost hooker, when you should’ve been cursing the Red Sox!

Ghost of Lulu: Did you know Babe can eat over a thousand of those hotdogs in one sitting? [holds her mouth open in astonishment]

Ghost of Babe Ruth: This is- this little sweet gal here, she’s the sweetest hooker in heaven! And you know what, in heaven, all theladies–[cracks up] in my heaven, are hookers, so I mean, that’s really sayin’ something.

Ghost of Lulu: That’s my guy!

Tina Fey: The ghost of Babe Ruth and the ghost of Babe Ruth’s hooker, everyone! [applause] Oooooh!

Amy Poehler: First Lady Laura Bush said Tuesday that if her husband is elected to a second term, she would like to help juvenile delinquents with substance abuse problems. When asked how she would do that, Mrs. Bush replied, “Just as I always have. By marrying them and bearing their children.”

Tina Fey: A German man is patenting a device which he claims canstraighten bananas, making them easier to eat, ship, and store. Because, how many times has this happened to you? [points to Amy]

Amy Poehler: [fumbling with two bananas] Oh, these bananas are so hard to eat!

[frustrated, Amy drops the bananas. She and Tina shrug their shoulders. Cheers and applause. Both try handling the bananas again]

Tina Fey: Whoa!

Amy Poehler: [placing one banana near her ear, like a telephone] Hello?

Because of the controversy surrounding accusations that he harrassed a former colleague, Bill O’Reilly has cancelled a number of TV interviews intended to promote his new children’s book, Curious Engorged.

Tina Fey: Andrea Mackris, the woman suing O’Reilly for sexual harassment in the form of unwanted phone sex, is alledgedly seeking sixty million dollars in damages, which sounds like a lot until you realize it breaks down to about $2.99 a minute.

Several major American Muslim groups gave their endorsement to John Kerry this week. In response, Kerry was like, “Aw, no, really, thanks, I’m good. Thanks, though. Thank you.”

Amy Poehler: John Kerry said in an interview with Rolling Stone magazine that he would end the color-coded Terror Alert system, and find a more thoughtful way of alerting the American people. [picture of ketchup bottles of various colors, with labels from “Low” to “High”]

Tina Fey: I feel bad, ’cause my favorite flavor is “high.”

Helmut Simon, who thirteen years ago found the 5000-year-old remains of a prehistoric man frozen in the ice of an Alpine glacier, has himself disappeared in the snow-covered Alps. Helmut, if you can hear me, don’t give up. Help is on the way, in 5000 years.

Amy Poehler: F/X announced Thursday that actress Glenn Close will join the cast of “The Sheild.”

Tina Fey: Oh god, that’s so great! “The Shield” is so good!

Amy Poehler: I know!

Tina Fey: Do you ever watch it?

Amy Poehler: No.

Tina Fey: Me neither. [both pause for a moment]

Amy Poehler: Last week, a pet turtle in China, where turtles are a symbol of longevity, climbed through an apartment window, fell ten stories onto the roof of a taxi, and survived. The turtle claims it was an accident, but then why did he leave a note? [picture of an unintelligible scribbled note] Turtle writing!

Tina Fey: According to a new study, almost half of all New York City high school students have lost their virginity.

Tina Fey and Amy Poehler: You’re welcome.

Tina Fey: Hi Jimmy!

Amy Poehler: For “Weekend Update,” I’m Amy Poehler!

Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey! Good night and have a pleasant tomorrow.

[fade]

Transcribed by: Michael C. Arroyo

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 3

04c: Jude Law / Ashlee Simpson

“The Apprentice” Promo

Donald Trump…..Darrell Hamond
Director’s Voice…..Seth Meyers

[ open on Halloween background foliage ]

Director’s Voice: Okay. Uh.. Mr. Trump. If you could just step on your mark?

[ Donald Trump, dressed as Dracula, complete with black cape and fake fangs, over his usual business suit, steps in front of the background foliage ]

Director’s Voice: Did you, uh.. did you get a chance to see the script?

Donald Trump: [ with authority ] Here’s how I want this commercial to go: I’m gonna say the words from the script in the camera, while you film it. Then, you’re gonna edit to exactly thirty seconds, which is gonna be hard, ’cause there’s gonna be a lot of good stuff!

Director’s Voice: Yeah, that’s how we usually do it.

Donald Trump: Then, you’re gonna air it! And it’s gonna get the highest ratings of any promo in the history of NBC, not to mention the history of television!

Director’s Voice: Promos actually don’t get ratings, so —

Donald Trump: Let’s do this!

Director’s Voice: Okay. Here we go. In 5.. 4.. 3.. 2..

[ camera zooms close on Trump, as a logo for “The Apprentice” appears on the bottom left corner of the screen. Trump stands motionless. ]

Director’s Voice: Um.. Mr. Trump, is something wrong?

[ logo dissolves ]

Donald Trump: You didn’t say “1”.

Director’s Voice: [ light chuckle ] Oh, yeah.. oh.. sorry, we don’t usually say “1”, because you may hear it on the tape.

Donald Trump: Alright, here’s what you’re gonna do: I want you to count backwards from 5, and when you get to 1, you won’t say it, and that way you won’t hear it on the tape. Then, you’ll point to me, and then I’ll begin saying my lines. And then, you will take what we just recorded —

Director’s Voice: Yes! We get it. Good. Thank you. In 5.. 4.. 3.. 2 —

[ camera zooms close on Trump ]

Donald Trump: 1!

[ logo appears ]

Donald Trump: [ reading stiffly from the cue cards ] “Hello, this is The Donald from Trumpsylvania, telling you to watch this week’s special Halloween episode of “The Apprentice”. These contestants are gonna be shaking in their suits, because, unlike Frankenstein, I am not afraid of fire – ing – any of them! Moo-hoo, hoo-hoo, hoo, ha, ha-ha, ha!” [ lifts his cape up over his shoulders ] That was great.

Director’s Voice: Um.. Mr. Trump, we should probably do that again.

Donald Trump: I think we should do it again. I didn’t point when I said “The Apprentice.”

Director’s Voice: Okay. So, let’s try it again. And, in the end, it’s sort of like an evil villain luag,h like

Donald Trump: Alright, you just watch what I do. I think you’ll find it very professional.

Director’s Voice: Great. Here we go. In 5.. 4.. 3.. 2 —

[ camera zooms close on Trump ]

Donald Trump: 1!

[ logo appears ]

Donald Trump: “Hello, this is The Donald from Trumpsylvania — and you’ve already got this part on tape, so you can splice it, and “Moo-hoo, hoo-hoo, hoo, hey, hey, hey. [ points ] “The Apprentice!””

[ logo dissolves ]

Director’s Voice: Umm.. Mr. Trump, we can’t really splice that middle part, so we’re gonna have to do it again.

Donald Trump: Okay, but this time I’m gonna freestyle it, like I did in that Visa commercial, which, by the way, got tremendous ratings, and so will this promo.

Director’s Voice: Yeah, but, once again, promos don’t get ratings, so —

Donald Trump: [ as camera zooms on him ] And 5.. 4.. 3.. 2.. [ points to himself ] 1!

[ logo appears ]

Donald Trump: “Hello, this is Count Trumpula. I vant to suck your blood.. but I von’t, if you vatch “The Apprentice” this veek. Moo-hoo! Moo-hoo-hoo! Moo-hoo-hoo-hoo!” [ throws cape over his shoulder again, then lowers his arm ] And then, right here, I’m gonna stand. And I want you to do some fancy graphic thing where I break into pieces like glass, and then every piece turns into a real bat, and every bat flies away!

Director’s Voice: Um.. Mr. Trump —

Donald Trump: And then the last bat turns into the NBC Peacock, but with fangs! And maybe in the end we can get, you know, Steven Tyler to do a guitar thiiiing.

Director’s Voice: Mr. Trump, we have to play this on the air tonight, so I think we’re done.

Donald Trump: I think we’re done.

Director’s Voice: [ less than enthusiastic ] Great.

[ logo dissolves ]

Donald Trump: This turned out fantastic. This commercial’s gonna be huge – huuuuuge! I think we’re gonna get a real impressive rating in the reruns, too. [ flashes tow peace signs, then walks off the set ]

Director’s Voice: Mr. Trump! Mr. Trump! Uh.. you can actually leave the Dracula cape here..

[ Trump steps back onto the set ]

Donald Trump: Okay, here’s what I’m gonna do: I’m gonna leave the cape —

Director’s Voice: Great.

Donald Trump: Then, I’m gonna go use the john —

Director’s Voice: Okay.

Donald Trump: Then, I’m gonna get in the elevator —

Director’s Voice: Uh-huh.

Donald Trump: And I want it to lower me to the lobby. Alright? Lower me all the way down to the lobby. Okay? I like the numbers. I want them to light up as we go down – 5.. 4.. 3.. 2.. [ points to himself ] 1! And then I walk out. And then I want thew car to have Derek Jeter in it, and all of that —

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 3

04c: Jude Law / Ashlee Simpson

Jude Law’s Monologue

…Jude Law
…Rachel Dratch
…Tina Fey
…Amy Poehler
…Maya Rudolph
…Ashlee Simpson

Jude: Thank you. Thank you very much. It’s wonderful to be here in New York City. Thank you! Alot of you may know me from my filmwork. Perhaps from the ( counts on his fingers) 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6 films Ihave coming out right now. But you know I actually started in the theatre. And hosting this show reminds me of that time in my life. When everyone would work very long hours, stay up nights rehearsing until everything was just right. Because we loved it so much. I remember my first opening night in a reperatory theatre. I was playing Happy in “Death of a Salesman,” at the West Yorkshire Playhouse in Leagues. I went to the theatre very early that night. I remember sitting in my tiny dressing room, with a bare lightbulb hanging from the ceiling, and even though it smelled like cigarettes and stale beer I had never been happier. As I was putting on my makeup, I looked in the mirror- I can remember thi so clearly- I looked in the mirror, and I thought “I am so good looking.” I mean look at this face. This face does not belong in a crappy little theatre in Leagues. (is handed a microphone). Honestly. [sings] “I took one look in the mirror, and I could clearly see that there was one perfect thing in it, and that thing was me.” You know people think it’s easy going through life looking like this. It is. It’s easy. [sings] “I don’t need to really act, I don’t need a big heart, I don’t need to be nice, I don’t need to be smart.” I am, that’s just a bonus. Ladies.

(Rachel, Tina, Amy, and Maya enter onstage.)

Girls: [singing]
“He’s the most beautiful man we ever saw.
In some states that smile’s against the law.”

Rachel: I want to be against the law – Jude Law, that is.

Girls: [singing]
“We don’t meant to be crude,
but when we’re in the mood,
the one man we think of is Jude.”

Rachel: Thinking of Jude.

Tina: Totally nude.

Rachel: About to be screw-

Jude: Alright.
[sings]
“I’ve made women swoon, and Matt Damon cry,
made Nicole Kidman melt when she gazed in my eyes.
My looks don’t fit the common belief,
that Englishmen have big ears and, bad teeth.”

Girls [singing] “He’s the most beautiful man in the world.”

Jude: You know when you’re this good looking people think you’re gay. I’m just English. I’m so good looking I don’t even need to be funny to make people laugh. Watch this. Tina?

Tina: What is it, Jude?

Jude: What’s that over there? (points offstage)

(Tina looks then looks back at Jude)

Jude: Made you look.

Tina: Ha ha ha ha ha ha, good one!

Jude: See what I mean?

Tina: That is so funny, and I’m a professional comedian.

Jude: It’s so easy. No one even ever corrects me. Everyone, tonight’s musical guest, Jessica Simpson!

Ashlee: (comes onstage) Actually it’s- you can call me Jessica.

Jude: Maya? Maya, have you met Jessica?

Maya: (Shakes Ashlee’s hand) Hi Jessica.

Ashlee: Actually it’s Ashlee.

Jude: Ashlee?

Ashlee: Ashlee, yeah.

Jude: Oh, I’m so sorry.

Maya: Oh, it’s okay.

Ashlee: It’s totally okay.

(Ashlee, Maya, and Amy all talk at the same time. It’s hard to tell what each one is saying.)

Amy: I love you!

Jude: [sings] “I’m just a regular guy.”

Girls: [singing] “No you’re more than okay.”

Maya: [singing] “I’d like to get to know you in a big way.”

Girls: [singing]
“We don’t mean to be rude,
but we can conclude,
that we’re in the mood for a man named,
(start to make a circle around Jude)
na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, Hey Jude!”

Jude: [sings] “Jude, Jude, Jude, Jude, Jude, Wow!” (girls still singing in the background) Thank you very much. ASHLEE Simpson is here. Stick around. We’ll be right back.

(fade away with girls still singing and circling around Jude)

Transcribed by: Krista Couper

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 3

04c: Jude Law / Ashlee Simpson

Paris Hilton Apologizes

Paris Hilton…Maya Rudolph
Nicky Hilton…Jude Law
Nicole Richie…Rachel Dratch

Paris: Hi, I’m Paris Hilton and this is my sister Nicky.

[Nicky turns around]

Nicky: Hi. I like your outfit, Paris, it’s hot.

Paris: Thanks. I like yours too. It’s hot.

Nicky: Thanks.

Paris: But you know what’s not hot? The “n” word.

Nicky: You’re right. It’s not hot.

Paris: No it’s not. But you know what is hot? Saying you’re sorry.

Nicole: Paris! Paris!

Paris: Hey Nicole.

Nicole: Look! I found this in my car.

[Dangles a tree shaped car freshener]

Nicky: Well that’s hot.

Nicole: It smells like coconut. Should I eat it?

Paris: Nicole, that’s air freshener.

Nicole: I’m just gonna eat it. [She leaves]

Paris: Where were we? Oh yeah I was apologizing for using the “n” word.

Nicky: You guys, Paris is a lot of things. A dog owner, a semi professional porn star. She can burp her own name.

Paris: [Burping] Paris.

[They both giggle, do a high five and suddenly become serious]

Nicky: That’s hot…But she is not racist. Racist is so not hot.

Paris: No, I agree. It doesn’t get any less hotter than racism…Hey are you still married?

Nicky: No.

Paris: That’s hot….So to prove to you that I am not a racist, therefore hot, here’s a list of black guys I think are hot and I would totally have sex with, or might have already had sex with.

Nicky: Hot.

Paris: Shaq…

Nicky: Hot.

Paris: Usher…

Nicky: Hot.

Paris: Wayne Brady…

Nicky: Really hot.

Paris: Arsenio …

Nicky: So hot!

Paris: Steve Harvey…

Nicky: Hot.

Paris: George Hamilton…

Nicky: Hot.

Paris: Hootie…

Nicky: Hot.

Paris: Bernie Mac…

Nicky: Mmmm…not so hot.

Paris: The Ohio Players…

Nicky: Hot.

Paris: Ronnie…

Nicky: Hot.

Paris: Bobby…

Nicky: Hot.

Paris: Ricky…

Nicky: Hot.

Paris: and Mike…

Nicky: Hot.

Paris: Arch Bishop Dime Magic Wand…

Nicky: So totally hot.

Paris: ‘Lil Romeo…

Nicky: Kind of hot.

Paris: And maybe, if I was really drunk…Webster.

Nicky: Oh, Webster’s hot.

Paris: He’s really small! So forget I said the “n” word and next time you think i’m a racist, picture me doing it with a black guy. Thanks!

Nicky: Stay hot!

Announcer: This has been an apology from Paris Hilton.

Transcribed by: Monica Rios

SNL Transcripts