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  Season 30: Episode 13


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04m: Hilary Swank / 50 Cent

City Court with Aaron Neville

Aaron Neville…..Horatio Sanz
Margaret Shanklin…..Hilary Swank
Dale James…..Chris Parnell
Bailiff…..Rob Riggle
Odell…..Kenan Thompson
Interviewer…..Seth Meyers
Man in the street…..Finesse Mitchell

(Pax logo)

Announcer: You´re watching Pax. What´s up with that?

(Montage has Aaron Neville dressed in a cutoff robe,slow dancing with mic on hand in a cloudy, smoky set)

Announcer: You are now entering the chambers of CityCourt with Aaron Neville.

Aaron Neville: (sings)I don´t know much, and I don´thave a law degree…

Announcer: Aaron Neville is a multiple Grammy-Awardwinning recording artist. He is not a judge nor is hea legal professional of any kind.

Aaron Neville: (sings)But I do know that I like tosettle disputes…

Announcer: All the litigants agreed to have theircases settled solely on the basis of Aaron Nevillerudimentary understanding of the American Legal Systemand innate sense of fair play.

Aaron Neville: And that may be all I need tokno-o-o-o-o-o-ow.(Crosses his arms, looks at camerawith beatific smile.)

(Cut to inside of a courtroom. Plaintiff MargaretShanklin is a trashy looking woman, chewing gum andholding a dog wrapped in a red leather jacket.Caption:Margaret Shanklin Plaintiff)

Announcer: The litigant Margaret Shanklin claims thather ex-boyfriend Dale James owes her over $1,500dollars in unpaid loans.

(Dale is picking his nose, has a stupid look on hisface, sunglasses, ponytail.Caption:Dale JamesDefendant)

Bailiff: Court is now in session. All rise for Mr.Aaron Neville.

(All rise, Aaron enters, sits in the judge´s podium)

Aaron Neville: The litigants have been sworn in and Ihave read your complaints. So please Ms. MargaretShanklin, (sings)tell it like it i-i-i-i-is.

Margaret Shanklin: Well your honor Aaron Neville, Ihad set aside $1,500 dollars to open up my ownbusiness making Thriller-Style Michael Jacksonjackets(holds up dog)for my dog. Which I loaned to mytrifling good-for-nothing ex-boyfriend Dale.

Dale James: Huh-uh, your Honor, that ain´t true. Whenshe gave me that money she said it was a gift, uh,because she was so impressed with my lovemakingskills.

Aaron Neville: Please Mr. James, you´ll have yourchance in a second. Ms.Shanklin, please continue.

Margaret Shanklin: Thank you, your Honor.

Aaron Neville: (sings)I am not a ju-u-u-u-udge.

Margaret Shanklin: Right. Mr.Neville.

Aaron Neville: (sings)Thank you-u-u-u-u-u-u.

Margaret Shanklin: Um, anyways as I was saying, Iloaned Dale the money so he could pay off hisBlockbuster fines then I find out he used it to gethis car painted like the General Lee from “The Dukesof Hazard”.

Dale James: It was an investment, your Honor. Iplanned to use it to make money at mall openings,parades, you know, car shows and such.

Margaret Shanklin: It´s a Dodge Neon, Dale. It lookscrazy!

Aaron Neville: (sings)Everybody just play it co-o-o-olfor a second.(stops singing, turns to bailiff)Excuseme bailiff, you have my cocoa butter?

Bailiff: Yeah, they only had the 12 ounce tubethough.(gives Aaron the tube of cocoa butter)

Aaron Neville: Thank you. Excuse me, my lady.(startssmearing cocoa butter on his arms)

Margaret Shanklin: So anyways Dale pulls up…

Aaron Neville: Excuse me, would either of you care forsome(sings)cocoa buttha-a-a.

Margaret Shanklin: No, thank you, sir.(Dale nods no)

Aaron Neville: My tattoos respond well to frequentcocoa butter applications.

Margaret Shanklin: OK.

Aaron Neville: (sings)It accentuates my muscle tone,while moisturizing my dry ski-i-i-i-i-i-n.

Margaret Shanklin: Right.

Aaron Neville: Ok, Mr.James. Please tell me your sideof the story.

Dale James: I fully intended to pay her back but nextthing I know she´s shacking up with Stavros, thelandlord.

Margaret Shanklin: That ain´t true!!

Aaron Neville: Order!Order!(pounds gavel, gavel slipsout of his hand. Tries pounding again, slips and itfalls again to the floor) Please excuse me, my handsare slippery with(sings)cocoa butha-a-a-a.(littlecrack up)Ms. Shanklin I see you have a witness here.

Margaret Shanklin: Yes, Mr.Neville This is my sonOdell from my first marriage.

(Young black teen steps up)

Odell: Yo´, what´s up your honor?

Aaron Neville: I see you had some(sings)chocolate inyour peanut buttha-a-a-a-a.

Margaret Shanklin: Yes, Mr. Neville in the early 90´sI found myself in a common law situation with LawrenceTaylor of the New York Giants.

Aaron Neville: Ok, as it turns out I am running outof(sings)cocoa buttha-e-o-e-o-a-a.(stops singing)So Iwill be right back with my decision in a few moments.Excuse me.

(cut to a statue of Lady Justice.Caption: You Be TheJudge. Man in a suit interviews a man on the street)

Interviewer: She claims he owes her $1,500 dollars. Hesays no way! How do you feel Aaron Neville will rule?

Man on the street: I don´t think he knows much aboutthe law.

Interviewer: Yeah, tell me about it. But what aboutthe case?

Man on the street: Seems like he is pretty into cocoabutter.

Interviewer: Yes, yes he is. All right, back to thestudio for Aaron Neville´s ruling.

(Back in the courtroom, Aaron continues to apply cocoabutter on his arms)

Aaron Neville: (sings) Oh, the touch, the feel of cocoabutha-a-a-a-a.(stops singing) Ok, here´s myruling.(sings)Bop, bop, boop, boop. Bop,bop, boop,boop. Bop, bop, boop, boop. Everybody acts like a foolsometimes,(confused look on Margaret´s face, Aaronuses cocoa butter tube like a mic)You lent some moneyto this stupid fool(Dale shrugs)you ain´t gonna get itback babe, next time you make a loan you should put itin writing, that´s just common sense. Everybody nowleaves the courtroom, leave.(stops singing)Good nighty´all.

Announcer: Guests of City Court with Aaron Nevillestay at Aaron Neville´s house.(Photo of white and bluehouse-boat on a river.Caption:Aaron Neville´s house)And special thanks to Queen Helene´s cocoabutter(photo of Queen Helene cocoa butterrecipient)Now that we mentioned your product, pleasesend us free stuff.

(Cheers and applause)

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 13


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:

Bit Players:
February 19th, 2005

Hilary Swank

50 Cent

None

Olivia

Jim Downey
Michael Jackson on Neverland RanchSummary: Elizabeth Taylor (Rachel Dratch) and other celebrities visit Michael Jackson (Amy Poehler) at his sickbed when he takes ill before his child molestation trial.

Recurring Characters: Michael Jackson, Elizabeth Taylor, Geraldo Rivera.

Note: This sketch was cut from the dress rehearsal of the episode hosted by Jason Bateman.

Hilary Swank’s MonologueSummary: Hilary Swank wanders backstage to observe the odd ways the cast prepare themselves for the live show.

Bio: Hilary Swank (1974-). Actress; won Oscars for Best Actress for “Boys Don’t Cry” (1999) and “Million Dollar Baby” (2004).

Transcript

Grayson-Moorhead SecuritiesSummary: Back after nine years, Arthur Grayson (Jim Downey) demonstrates how his financial company loses their clients’ money with pride.

Recurring Characters: Arthur Grayson.

Transcript

Sheila Choad’s Los Angeles FaceSummary: Sheila Choad (Rachel Dratch) hosts the only talk show dedicated to Botox and the Botox lifestyle.

Transcript

Grayson-Moorhead Securities IISummary: Arthur Grayson (Jim Downey) relates how his Clients lost their money but gained the knowledge of failure.

Recurring Characters: Arthur Grayson.

Transcript

Hot PlatesSummary: Despite their waiter’s (Horatio Sanz) repeated warnings about how extremely hot their dinner plates are, a group of friends touch the hot plates to see for themselves.

Transcript

Debbie DownerSummary: Hilary Swank’s childhood nanny, Debbie Downer (Rachel Dratch), joins her and husband Chad Lowe (Will Forte) at the Oscars ceremony, and brings her excitement down a notch.

Recurring Characters: Debbie Downer.

Transcript

50 Cent and Olivia perform “Candy Shop”Also Performed: 02r.

Bio: Olivia (1981-). R&B/rap femme fatale; hit single “Bizounce” in 2001.

Lyrics

Weekend Update with Tina Fey & Amy PoehlerSummary: In a filmed report, Tom Jankeloff (Fred Armisen) gauges the public’s reaction to the Central Park Gates. Oscar nominee Morgan Freeman (Finesse Mitchell) announces that he wants to do some lovemaking scenes in his movies.

Transcript

Seasons of LoveSummary: Unable to complete an important crying scene, a soap actress (Hilary Swank) receives help from a crying coach (Rachel Dratch).

City Court with Aaron NevilleSummary: The deficiency in Aaron Neville’s (Horatio Sanz) knowledge of the law is covered by his crooning during court proceedings.

Transcript

After the GrammysSummary: Later that night, Jennifer Lopez (Maya Rudolph) and Marc Anthony (Fred Armisen) are still singing.

Recurring Characters: Jennifer Lopez.

50 Cent performs “Disco Inferno”Lyrics

Project RunwaySummary: Heidi Klum (Hilary Swank) hosts, as fashion designers create a clothing line for KFC’s Col. Sanders.

Recurring Characters: Heidi Klum.

GoodnightsTranscript

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Dress Rehearsal Cuts

The FalconerSummary: While arguing about whose fate is rougher, a lightning bolt causes the Falconer (Will Forte) and Donald to switch bodies.

Recurring Characters: The Falconer, Donald.

Note: This sketch will later air in the episode hosted by Tom Brady.

Bear CitySummary: In a pinch, a bear uses the handicapped toilet, only to be confronted by a bear in a wheelchair.

Note: This short film will air in the episode hosted by David Spade.

ScorpioSummary: An incompetent female spy (Hilary Swank) chooses the wrong suitcase.

Bear CitySummary: In T. Sean Shannon’s latest visit to Bear City, a teenaged bear sneaks a look at bear porn while his mom goes shopping. Unfortunately, she forgets her grocery list on the counter and walks into an embrassing situation.

Note: This short film will later air in the episode hosted by Lindsey Lohan.

LeviticusSummary: Street prophet Leviticus (Rob Riggle) tries to save a family’s souls while they eat at a diner.

Lap DanceSummary: Kenan Thompson treats Seth Meyers to a lap dance for his birthday, but the showgirl (Hilary Swank) does a poor job of it.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 12

04l: Jason Bateman / Kelly Clarkson

Weekend Update with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler

…..Tina Fey
…..Amy Poehler
Prince Charles…..Seth Meyers
Camilla Parker-Bowles…..Fred Armisen
…..Kenan Thompson

Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, it’s “Weekend Update,” with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler!

[cheers and applause]

Tina Fey: Hi, I’m Tina Fey.

Amy Poehler: And I’m Amy Poehler, and here are tonight’s top stories:

This week, Prince Charles stunned the world by announcing that he’ll marry his longtime girlfriend, Mrs. Doubtfire.

Tina Fey: After marrying Prince Charles, Camilla Parker-Bowles’ title will be Her Royal Highness the Duchess of Cornwall, and when Charles becomes king, she will not be the queen, but her title will be the Princess Consort. While my title will remain “Lady Sugarwalls.”

In the wake of the successful Iraqi elections, President Bush’s job approval rating has jumped up to 57%, or as high school teachers call it, an “F.” [applause; Tina cheers with the audience]

Amy Poehler: Earlier today, former Vermont governor Howard Dean became the new head of the Democratic National Committee. No word on who will be the neck. [slow audience reaction; some delayed applause] You’re getting it- there you go.

According to former detainees at Guantanamo Bay, interrogators would threaten prisoners, and tell them, “The world doesn’t know you’re here. Nobody knows you’re here.” So, basically, the same speech Tina gives me every night.

[Tina cuts an apple with a large butcher’s knife]

Tina Fey: Don’t you forget it, either. [she eats a chunk of the apple off the knife, while Amy nervously gasps]

Amy Poehler: Scary!

As we mentioned earlier, Prince Charles and Camilla Parker-Bowles announced their engagement this week. Here to discuss their upcoming nuptials, please welcome Prince Charles and Camilla Parker-Bowles!

[Pan to Charles and Camilla. Camilla rests her head on Charles’ shoulder]

Prince Charles: Hello, Amy and Tina. Have you heard the news? Isn’t it joyous? I mean, just look at this vision! I doubt there’s a man in the room who wouldn’t want to change places with me.

Camilla Parker-Bowles: Oh Charles!

Prince Charles: Oh, Camilla. [they almost kiss, but back off at the last second]

Amy Poehler: Wow! You guys seem really, really happy.

Prince Charles: Well, can you blame me, Amon- uh, can you blame me, Amy? Not only- sometimes I get my words so screwed up, she’s so beautiful!

Not only do I get to look on this jewel every single day, but now I’ve locked her up for the long term!

Camilla Parker-Bowles: Oh Charles!

Prince Charles: Oh, Camilla, mmm….. [He places their foreheads together as they gaze at each other]

Amy Poehler: OK, alright. Let- let me say something. Uh, Charles—

Prince Charles: Yes? [they awkwardly hug each other]

Amy Poehler: You are the heir to the throne of Great Britain, so basically you could have your pick of any woman in the world.

Prince Charles: Oh, I know, exactly! You think I would’ve landed this beauty otherwise? Why if I were just plain old Charlie Windsor Businessman, I shudder to think what kind of woman I would’ve ended up with! Someone like one of you two, I imagine. [shudders]

Amy Poehler: So, Camilla, I’m guessing you have a great personality—

Camilla Parker-Bowles: Not really, no.

Prince Charles: Does it matter, Amy? I mean, look at her…

[They french kiss each other maniacally while Amy stares at them. Cheers and applause. Camilla sticks her finger in Charles’ mouth]

Amy Poehler: Wow, you guys are in love. So, uh, so when’s the date?

Prince Charles: April 8th, and it can’t come soon enough! Oh, my sweet Camilla, I can’t wait for when she comes trotting down the aisle, with a beautiful gate. And when she lifts her veil, the entire audience will gasp.

Amy, Tina: Yes, right. They’ll gasp.

Prince Charles: Oh, Camilla, darling, make that face that I love.

[Camilla opens her eyes wide and stares nervously at the camera]

No, no! Save it for the wedding night, my dear! Save it for the wedding night! [they french kiss each other again]

Amy Poehler: Prince Charles and Camilla Parker-Bowles, everyb- get a room, you two! Get a room! [more cheers and applause]

Prince Charles: You mean a palace! We’ll get a palace!

Amy Poehler: Whatever, get a palace!

Tina Fey: Camilla Parker-Bowles, and that dude.

This past Wednesday was Ash Wednesday, the holiday during which Catholics mark the beginning of Lent by creeping out their coworkers.

Amy Poehler: This week, Ford Motors announced a massive recall of its compact car, the Ford Focus, making it the first time a car has been recalled for being dangerously uncool.

Scientists are developing a magic mirror that uses computer technology and a camera to show you how you might look in the future, based on your current lifestyle. Let’s have a look at my magic mirror image. [picture of Heather Locklear] Ooh, great! I’ll take that, that’s great.

Tina Fey: Cool, OK. Alright, let’s check mine out. [picture of Bea Arthur] Yeah, awesome! I must’ve been livin’ hard! Yes!

The head of the Vermont Teddy Bear company resigned from the board of Vermont’s largest hospital Wednesday after he angered critics by selling a straitjacketed “Crazy for You” bear. Even more controversial, however, the company’s “You Make My Knees Weak” bear, [picture of a teddy bear in a wheelchair] “You Take My Breath Away” bear, [a bear with a plastic bag over its head] and the “I’m Nuts Over You” bear. [unclothed bear with two large, furry testicles; applause]

Amy Poehler: Cute!

Tina Fey: I’d buy it.

Amy Poehler: David James Elliott, the star of the CBS show “JAG,” announced that he will be leaving the show at the end of the season to develop projects at ABC. Among the shows Elliott is pitching is a sitcom about old ladies called “HAG,” a show about a down-and-out racehorse called “NAG,” and a gay-themed show called—“Fancy That.”

Tina Fey: Sources say that Macaulay Culkin and Chris Tucker are willing to testify that Michael Jackson never molested them during their many childhood sleepovers at Neverland Ranch. In a related story, I’m gonna testify in the Robert Blake trial, ‘cause that guy never tried to murder me! He never murdered me once!

Amy Poehler: According to a new poll, Democrats are favoring Hillary Clinton for the Democratic Presidential nominee in 2008. Democrats say they’re looking for a fresh and exciting new way to get their asses handed to them.

Tina Fey: A California lawyer alleged Wednesday that thirty years ago, Bill Cosby drugged her and tried to molest her, and after she fought back, he dropped two hundred-dollar bills on a table and fled. Cosby says he can’t be held responsible for his actions, since at the time he was suffering from, [imitating Bill Cosby] “the brain damage!”

Amy Poehler: That’s funny. Is Kenan coming out to imitate Bill Cosby now?

Tina Fey: [still as Bill Cosby] No, Kenan is not coming out because of the “Fat Albert,” and the money, and the sequels!

Amy Poehler: [also as Bill Cosby] Of course he can’t talk about the boobies, and the groping, and the pudding pops!

Tina Fey: Because it would upset Mr. Cosby, and his wife, Camiiillle!

[Kenan walks in and stands behind Tina and Amy]

Kenan Thompson: Wow, thanks for that. Great job, you guys. I didn’t say any of that, because Kenan Thompson loves to work, OK? Peace. [walks off; some applause]

Tina Fey: Wow, Kenan Thompson loves to work, everybody.

Amy Poehler: Loves to work? Who doesn’t?

Ernst Mayr, a retired Harvard University evolutionary biologist, called “the Darwin of the 20th Century,” died last Thursday at the age of a hundred. Mayr was killed by a bigger, stronger evolutionary biologist.

Tina Fey: Al Franken said this week that he will consider running for a Senate seat in Minnesota in 2008. Franken would be the first “SNL” alum to hold office since last year, when Tracy Morgan declared himself “the Mayor of Scores!” [some applause]

Amy Poehler: For “Weekend Update,” I’m Amon Poehler!

Tina Fey: I’m Tinam Fey. Good night and have a pleasant tomorrow.

[cheers and applause; fade]

Submitted by: Michael C. Arroyo

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 12

04l: Jason Bateman / Kelly Clarkson

The Best of T.T. & Mario

Man…..Jason Bateman
Woman…..Amy Poehler
T.T……Maya Rudolph
Mario…..Kenan Thompson

[open on romantic fireside setting with man and woman in robes sitting, toasting with champagne]

Man: Well, happy Valentine’s Day. I love you, baby.

Woman: I love you, too. I can’t think of anything that would make this night more romantic.

Man: Well, I sure can. Are you looking for that perfect CD to get your lady in the mood this Valentine’s Day? Well, how about this? [holds up “The Best of T.T. & Mario” CD] The greatest compilation of love songs ever on one compact disc. “The Best of T.T. & Mario.” Music was made for loving, and nobody sang about loving better than T.T. & Mario. You’ll get songs like “First Love.”

[dissolve to disco stage with T.T. and Mario dressed in white ’70s clothes, their hands to one another’s faces as they turn around each other]

[romantic ballad music]

T.T.: First love. / First kiss. / First that. / Now this.

Mario: First time I took off all your clothes, / I saw your boobies, / And they were excellent.

[music gets funky]

T.T.: I held your booty / And the booty was so tight. / Singing booty so right.

[dissolve to close up of romantic couple, the woman having a very wooden smile]

Man: Oh, boy, doesn’t that bring back memories?

Woman: Not really.

Man: Really? Well, I know you’re going to know this one. Who didn’t groove on this bad mama-jama in 1977? “Rollerskate Love.”

[dissolve to disco stage with T.T. and Mario, walking slowly towards each other]

[romantic ballad music]

Mario: You are so beautiful.

T.T.: And you are my knight in shining armor.

[music gets funky]

Mario: Let me put it in a little bit.

Both: Just the tip!

[dissolve to romantic couple, the woman having a forced expression but clearly somewhat puzzled]

Man: That takes me back to my eighth grade dance.

Woman: Wow, the song’s called “Rollerskate Love.” They never even mention rollerskating.

Man: Eh. Well, listen, here’s one where they do mention roller skates, the 1970 classic, “With You.”

[dissolve to disco stage with T.T. and Mario, hand in hand]

[funky music]

Mario: I’m gonna put your hands in rollerskates, / Flip you upside down. / Wheel you into the kitchen / And put whipped cream on your business.

[Mario whirls T.T. around]

Both: With you.

T.T.: I can be butt naked.

Both: With you.

T.T.: My arms are getting tired.

[dissolve to romantic couple reclining on rug in front of fire, the woman now visibly distressed]

Man: If you tried to find all these songs separately, you’d have to buy over three albums, but you get all your T.T. & Mario favorites on one CD. [he caresses the woman’s thigh] Songs like [listen songs scroll from bottom to top] “Let Me See Them,” “Booty’s So Tight,” “Masquerade Booty,” “Booty Fire,” “You Are a Lady, Right?” “Atomic Booty,” and “Big Nippled Woman.”

Woman: I’ve never heard of any of these songs.

Man: Oh, why don’t you shut your mouth and listen to their 1974 hit, “Hearts Will Survive,” the long theme song from the movie “Earthquake.”

[dissolve to disco stage with T.T. and Mario, back to back]

[funky music]

T.T.: Getting freaky in the shower.

Mario: Do me a favor, drop the soap.

Both: Ooh, oh.

T.T.: Your booty’s so tight.

Both: Booty so ti-ee-ight! [spoken] Oh, my God. It’s an earthquake.

[dissolve to romantic couple reclining on rug in front of fire, the woman now completely revolted as the man strokes her hair]

Woman: Are these even real musicians?

Man: [forces her head onto the floor as he climbs on top of her] Don’t spoil the mood! T.T. & Mario are about to “Turn it Up.”

[dissolve to disco stage with T.T. and Mario, back to back]

[funky music]

T.T.: Turn it up!

Both: Whoo!

T.T.: Turn up the Johnny Carson.

Mario: The children are asleep. / Let me hear you make some noise, / Such as…

[moaning sounds from both, the word “booty” is heard several times, T.T. pantomimes spanking Mario’s booty]

Mario: Now let’s go to bed.

T.T.: ‘Cause my booty is so tired.

[dissolve to romantic couple kneeling in front of fire, the man massaging the shouldres of the woman who is now shocked, appalled, and shaking her head in denial of what she has just seen and heard]

Man: Now, I don’t want you to wait, because this incredible offer is not available in stores. I want you to go ahead and call 1-555-01199-niner-9-99.

Woman: Okay, that’s not even a real–

Man: I love you, too, baby! [he tilts her head to kiss her and pushes her down onto the ground]

Woman: [trying to push him off] What?! We’re actors! Give me a break!

Man: Go with it. Come on, now!

Woman: What are you doing?!

Man: You can come in, too, missy.

Woman: What?!

[dissolve to title screen with image of “The Best of T.T. & Mario” CD and title and voice over: “‘The Best of T.T. & Mario’ is not really available.”]

Submitted by: DavidK93

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 12

04l: Jason Bateman / Kelly Clarkson

Subway Performers

Husband…..Jason Bateman
Wife…..Amy Poehler
Old Woman…..Rachel Dratch
Man…..Rob Riggle
Roscoe…..Kenan Thompson
Dad…..Finesse Mitchell
Mexican Man 1…..Horatio Sanz
Mexican Man 2…..Fred Armisen
Barbershop Quartet Leader…..Will Forte
Barbershop Quartet Member 1…..Chris Parnell
Barbershop Quartet Member 2…..??
Barbershop Quartet Member 3…..Jeff Richmond
Blind Girl…..Kelly Clarkson
Passed-Out Bum in Rear of Car…..JB Smoove

[ open on stock footage on subway cars in motion ]

[ dissolve to interior, subway car, where a Husband and his Wife sit opposite an old Woman and a Man reading a newspaper ]

Husband: Have you been to the Chelsea Flea Market before?

Wife: No, I’m excited — I need a desk.

Husband: Ah, ’cause you’re gonna find a desk.

Wife: Yeah.

Husband: Yeah, it’s, uh —

[ Roscoe enters the car ]

Roscoe: Hi, good day, everyone, good day. Uh — my name is Roscoe… and I’m NOT asking for a handout — but if you enjoy my singing, maybe you can spare some change.
[ singing ]
“This little light of mine
I’m gonna let it shine.
Let it shine, shine, shine, shine, shine!”

[ Roscoe works his way through the car with his hand outstretched and open ]

Old Woman: Your pitch was very off!

Man: [ without looking up from his newspaper ] Get a job!

Roscoe: Well, you don’t have to be Rockefeller to help a fellow, now.

Husband: [ takes out a dollar ] Here you go, friend!

Wife: Aw, that’s nice!

Roscoe: God bless you!

Husband: Alright.

[ Roscoe exits, as a Dad and his son enter with boxes of candy ]

Dad: Yo! Would anybody like to buy some M&Ms today? For the Saint… something mumbled name After School Project?

[ they work their way through the car ]

Old Woman: I’m allergic to nuts! [ she waves him away ]

Man: It’s a scam! Get away from me!

Husband: No thanks, buddy, I’m good.

Dad: Okay, okay! Well, maybe you need to see us break it down!

[ the Dad and his son break into a choreographed dance, which only the Husband and his Wife seem to get into ]

Wife: Oh, wow!

Husband: Wow!

Wife: Yes!

Husband: Wow, yes! Absolutely! I definitely think that deserves something! Here you go — onesie… twosie. [ hands the kid two coins, but the kid holds out for more ] Okay. Let me just, uh — [ pulls out his wallet ] p-fab that up! I don’t know. [ hands the kid a dollar ] There you go.

Dad: That’s what I’m talkin’ about! Thank you VERY much!

Husband: Thank you.

Dad: Have a good day!

Husband: Okay.

Dad: Alright!

Husband: Great. Alright, well, uh — don’t I — I don’t get the candy, then?

Dad: No! You paid for the DANCE portion of the program!

Husband: I see.

Dad: Alright!

[ the Dad and his son exit to the next car, as a pair of Mexican performers enter the car ]

Husband: Oh!

[ the Mexican performers hover over the Husband and wife as they perform ]

Husband: Yes! Yes! Oh… wow!

[ the Mexican performers finish, then extend their sombreros around the car ]

Old Woman: I don’t care for your rhythms.

Man: Keep walking, Speedy!

Husband: [ holds up a dollar ] you have a bueno day.

Mexican Man 2: Gracias, Senor! [ kisses Husband on the head ]

Wife: Awww!

Husband: Oh… great! A little extra there. Thank you very much. [ Mexican Man 1 stesps forward to kiss him as well [ No, sir… I’m fine! Okay.

[ the Mexican performers exit to the next car ]

Wife: Oh, wow — that’s weird!

Husband: Yeah?

Wife: Yeah. You don’t see a lot of Mexicans in New York.

Husband: No, you don’t.

Wife: So, um — what are you looking for at the flea market?

Husband: Well, I, uh — definitely could use some plants, and, of course, I’m always on the lookout for my Cabbage Patch Kids collectibles. So… I have my fingers crossed there.

[ suddenly, a barbershop quartet enters the car ]

Barbershop Quartet Leader: Good morning, all. We are the Jolly Town Gentlemen, and — do not be fooled — although we are white and have costumes, we are quite homeless, and would appreciate a moment of your time.

Barbershop Quartet Member 1: “By the liiiight…”

Barbershop Quartet Leader and Members 2 & 3: “By the light, by the liiiight…”

Barbershop Quartet: “Of the silvery moo-oo-oo-oon…”

Barbershop Quartet Member 1: I want to spoo-oo-oon…

Barbershop Quartet Leader and Members 2 & 3: “He wants to spoon, he wants to spoon…”

Barbershop Quartet Member 1: With my lover, I’ll croo-oo-oon…

Barbershop Quartet Leader and Members 2 & 3: “He loves to –“

Barbershop Quartet Member 1: By the silvery…

Barbershop Quartet:
“We’re really homeless!
By the silvery moo-oo-oo-oon!!:

[ the Barbershop Quartet Leader extends his hat through the car ]

Old Woman: A rather tepid arrangement.

Man: Eat me.

Wife: [ to her Husband ] Come on, honey — they’re really homeless.

Husband: Are your arms broken, by the way?

Wife: I only have twenties.

Husband: Alright, alright… [ he takes out his wallet ] It’s really fantastic, men. A very, very good job. [ he puts a dollar in the Barbershop Quartet Leader’s hat ] Okay?

Barbershop Quartet Leader: Thank you-ou-ouuu…

Barbershop Quartet Member 1: [ extends his hat ] Thank you-ou-ouuu…

Husband: Ah! [ puts a dollar in his hat ]

Barbershop Quartet Member 2: Thank you-ou-ouuu…

Husband: Saw that coming. [ puts a dollar in his hat ] There you go.

Barbershop Quartet Member 3: Thank you-ou-ouuu…

[ Husband puts a dollar in his hat ]

Barbershop Quartet: Thank you!!

Husband: Great.

Barbershop Quartet Leader: By the way… we aren’t really homeless.

[ they run out of the car, as a Blind Girl stumbles into the car ]

Blind Girl: Ladies and gentlemen! I am homeless and blind! But check this out: [ singing ]
“Give me oooooone moment in tiiiiiime
When I’m more… than I thought… I could beeeeeee!
Aaaaaand… in that one moment of tiiiiiime
I will beeeeee….
I will beeeeee….
I will be freeeeeeeeeeeee!!”

[ everyone in the car applauds ]

Old Woman: [ rises to put a dollar in the Blind Girl’s cup ] Now, THAT is why I take the train!

Man: [ putting a dollar in her cup ] You… are going to Hollywood, sister!

Blind Girl: Thank you!

Husband: [ examining his wallet ] Baby… I’m out of cash!

Wife: [ whispering ] Well, just be quiet — she won’t know we’re here.

Blind Girl: [ steps closer ] Pay up! I can smell you!

Husband: Really? Okay. Alright. Uh — here we go… [ digs through his jacket ] I think I have some money… right here. [ pulls out a receipt ] Oh, yes! Oh, my! This is TEN dollars! [ he slips it into her cup ]

Blind Girl: Oh! Thank you! [ she rubs the recept between her fingers ]

Husband: Yes.

Blind Girl: [ she crinkles the receipt near her ear ] That’s a Burger King receipt!

Husband: [ innocent ] What are you talking about?

Blind Girl: How can you cheat a blind, homeless girl?!!

[ the Blind Girl starts to beat the Husband with her walking stick, as the Old Woman and Man with the newspaper rally in her defense and chase him off the car ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 12

04l: Jason Bateman / Kelly Clarkson

Monkeys Throwing Poop at Celebrities

Announcer…..Chris Parnell
Peter Talbank…..Jason Bateman
Mr. Bojo Bananas…..Will Forte
Sean Connery…..Darrell Hammond
Carrot Top…..Seth Meyers
Sharon Stone…..Amy Poehler
Bill Cosby…..Kenan Thompson

[ open on distinguished man wearing an ascot and brandishing a pipe ]

Announcer: Now it’s time for “Monkeys Throwing Poop at Celebrities!”

[ cut to show montage of the monkey throwing various poop, as he sings the theme song ]

“Monkeys Throwing Poop at Celebrities!
Monkeys Throwing Poop at Celebrities!
Monkeys Throwing Poop at Celebrities!”

[ dissolve to show set, featuring a guest chair covered in cellophane ]

Announcer: And, now, here’s your host, Peter Talbank.

[ Peter Talbank enters set ]

Peter Talbank: Hey, everybody! Welcome to “Monkeys Throwing Poop at Celebrities” the show where celebrities get monkey poop thrown at them! I’m Peter Talbank, and, of course, joining me, as always, is Mr. Bojo Bananas and Steve Winston.

[ audience cheers on Steve and the monkey ]

Peter Talbank: How are things with Mr. Bojo Bananas today?

Mr. Bojo Bananas: Just great!

Peter Talbank: Yes? How are things with the monkey?

Mr. Bojo Bananas: Well, Steve Winston’s got his big bowl of poop, and he’s ready to go! Who’s our celebrity today, Peter?

Peter Talbank: That’s a good question there, Bojo! Tonight’s celebrity is one of the biggest stars in Hollywood! His career spans over five decades, he’s a Knight of the British Realm, a noted sailing enthusiast – the original James Bond. And we intend to throw poop at him! [ headshot of Connery flies past ] Sir Sean Connery! Now, right now, as you know, Sir Sean Connery is in our green room.. [ show Connery reading a magazine in the literal green room ] ..where he has no idea that our monkey, Steve Winston, is about to throw poop at him! He thinks we’re bringing him on to talk about his favorite thing – sailing! What do you think, Bojo? Should we bring him out?

Mr. Bojo Bananas: [ enthusiastic ] Bring him on out!

Peter Talbank: Alright, ladies and gentlemen! Sir Sean Connery!

[ Connery enters, takes sense of his surroundings and immediately freezes ]

Sean Connery: Oh, no.. hold on one second. This isn’t that show where monkeys throw poop at show biz people, is it?

Peter Talbank: [ feigning shock and surprise ] What? Huh? No! Of course not. What are you talking about?

Sean Connery: Yes, it is. You’re not fooling me. Why does it smell like monkey feces out here?

Peter Talbank: Monkey feces? I don’t smell anything, sir. We’re going to talk about sailing. [ Connery is apprehensive ] Please, please. Sit, sit, sit! Yes.

[ Connery sits, but stares across the room in disbelief ]

Sean Connery: That’s ridiculous! There’s a monkey right over there!

Peter Talbank: Right over where, sir?

Sean Connery: [ points to Mr. Bojo Bananas ] You, man! what are you doing with that monkey?!

Mr. Bojo Bananas: [ innocently ] What?

Sean Connery: You’ve got a monkey on a leash. Why?

Mr. Bojo Bananas: I’m, uh.. fixing the pipes.

[ Steve Winston starts pounding the stool with his hands ]

Sean Connery: What in God’s name do you need a monkey to fix the pipes for?

Peter Talbank: That’s his assistant, Mr. Connery.

Sean Connery: Really?

Peter Talbank: Yes.

Sean Connery: Oh. [ intrigued ] That’s remarkable.

Peter Talbank: Yes, it is, sir. Now.. something not a lot of people know about you, sir, is that sailing.. [ trying to contain his laughter ] ..is really the love of your life.

Sean Connery: [ examining his chair ] Just one minute. How come there’s a plastic sheet on my seat?

Peter Talbank: I told you, sir. Working on the pipes.

Sean Connery: Well, there’s no plastic sheet on your seat.

Peter Talbank: Ah..

Sean Connery: [ anger growing ] This better not be that show where you throw monkey poop at celebrities!

Peter Talbank: No, no, no.. I assure you, sir, it is not. I would not do that to you, Sir Sean Connery.

Sean Connery: I’ve got a good mind to knock your block off if that monkey throws poop at me!

Peter Talbank: No, no, no. He will not, sir.

Sean Connery: [ skeptical ] You promise?

Peter Talbank: I promise you. [ grinning from ear to ear ] So.. now.. when we say sailing, we’re talking about one of those little one-man jobs? Or a catamaran? Or a great big yacht?

Sean Connery: Well, I don’t know if.. I don’t know if you’d call it big or not.. but I’ve got a 30-foot Coranado sloop that I sail around the Isle of Bath —

[ a piece of monkey poop suddenly flies into the frame and hits Connery ]

Sean Connery: Oh! Good God! What is that?!

Peter Talbank: What is it! Audience!

Audience: It’s Monkey Poop!

Sean Connery: This is that show, isn’t it!

Peter Talbank: [ laughing ] Yes!

[ more monkey poop is thrown at Connery, though shots of Steve Winston reveal it to be stagehands throwing rapid-fire poop where the monkey fails to do so ]

Sean Connery: This is that show —

Peter Talbank: Yes, it is!

Sean Connery: — where monkeys throw poop at celebrities!

Peter Talbank: Yes, it is! Yes, it is!

Sean Connery: For God’s sake! [ starts chuckling immensely ]

Peter Talbank: Oh! Yes!

Sean Connery: I have got to give it you – you got me this time! You really got me!

Peter Talbank: We really did, didn’t we!

Sean Connery: That’s a lot of poop that little fella is throwing!

Peter Talbank: Oh, it’s a great deal of poop, sir! Please join me next time, when my celebrities will be Carrot Top —

Carrot Top: Ha ha ha! [ monkey poop hits his face ] Hey!

Peter Talbank: — Sharon Stone —

Sharon Stone: [ as monkey poop hits her ] Wonderful! Whoo!

Peter Talbank: — and Mr. Bill Cosby!

Bill Cosby: [ as monkey poop lands square in his eye ] I’ve got monkey poop on my face.

Peter Talbank: We’re gonna see you next time, on —

Audience: “Monkeys Throwing Poop at Celebrities!”

[ Connery begins slinging the monkey poop around ]

Peter Talbank: Don’t you throw it at me, sir! Don’t you throw it at me!

[ monkey poop covers the lens, as the closing graphics and jingle play ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 12

04l: Jason Bateman / Kelly Clarkson

Kelly Clarkson performs “Breakaway”

…..Jason Bateman
…..Kelly Clarkson

Jason Bateman: Once again – Kelly Clarkson!

Kelly Clarkson:
“Grew up in a small town
And when the rain would fall down
I’d just stare out my window
Dreaming of a could-be
And if I’d end up happy
I would pray.

I wondered what it could be
No one else could hear me
All I wanted was
I wanted to belong here
But something felt so wrong here
So I pray
I could breakaway

I’ll spread my wings and I’ll learn how to fly
I’ll do what it takes ’til I touch the sky
I’ll make a wish
Take a chance
Make a change
And breakaway
Out of the darkness and into the sun
But I won’t forget all the ones that I loved
I’ll take a risk
Take a chance
Make a change
And breakaway.

Wanna feel the warm breeze
Sleep under a palm tree
Feel the rush of the ocean
Get onboard a fast train
Travel on a jet plane, far away
And breakaway.

I’ll spread my wings and I’ll learn how to fly
I’ll do what it takes ’til I touch the sky
I’ll make a wish
Take a chance
Make a change
And breakaway
Out of the darkness and into the sun
But I won’t forget all the ones that I loved
I’ll take a risk
Take a chance
Make a change
And breakaway.

Buildings with a hundred floors
Swinging around wild indoors
Maybe I don’t know where they’ll take me, but
Gotta keep moving on, moving on
Fly away, breakaway.

I’ll spread my wings and I’ll learn how to fly
Though it’s not easy to tell you goodbye
Make a wish
Take a chance
Make a change
And breakaway
Out of the darkness and into the sun
But I won’t forget the place I come from
I gotta take a risk
Take a chance
Make a change
And breakaway, breakaway, breakaway.”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 12

04l: Jason Bateman / Kelly Clarkson

Kelly Clarkson performs “Since U Been Gone”

…..Jason Bateman
…..Kelly Clarkson

Jason Bateman: Ladies and gentlemen – Kelly Clarkson!

Kelly Clarkson:
“Here’s the thing, we started out friends
It was cool, it was all pretend
Yeah, yeah, since U been gone.
You dedicated, you took the time
It wasn’t long, ’til I called you mine
Yeah, yeah, since U been gone
And all you’d ever hear me say
Is how I’d picture me with you
That’s all you’d ever hear me say.

But since U been gone
I can breathe for the first time
I’m so moving on, yeah yeah
Thanks to you
Now I get, I what I want
Since U been gone.

How can I put it, you put me on
I even fell for that stupid love song
Yeah, yeah, since U been gone
How come I’d never hear you say
I just wanna be with you
Well, I guess you never felt that way.

But since U been gone

I can breathe for the first time
I’m so moving on, yeah yeah
Thanks to you
Now I get, I get what I want
Since you been gone.

You had your chance, you blew it
Out of sight, out of mind
Shut your mouth, I just can’t take it
Again and again, and again and again.

Since U been gone
I can breathe for the first time
I’m so moving on, yeah yeah
Thanks to you
Now I get, I get what I want
I can breathe for the first time
I’m so moving on, yeah yeah
Thanks to you, yeah yeah
You should know that I get
I get what I want.

Since U been gone
Since U been gone
Since U been gone.”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 12

04l: Jason Bateman / Kelly Clarkson

Me-Harmony.com

Man #1/Match…..Horatio Sanz
Woman/Match…..Maya Rudolph
Man #2/Match…..Kenan Thompson
Man #3/Match…..Rob Riggle
Dr. Terry McQuarren…..Will Forte
Gay Men…..Seth Meyers

[ open on Man #1 ]

Man #1: I tried online dating. But I never found anyone who liked me for me.

[ cut to Woman ]

Woman: My friends tell me I’m too picky.

[ cut to Man #2 ]

Man #2: I need to find someone who realizes how great I am.

[ cut to Man #3 ]

Man #3: I’m a catch. Women like me. But when I tried other dating services, they could never find anyone good enough for me.

[ cut to Dr. Terry McQuarren ]

Dr. Terry McQuarren: Hi. I’m Dr. Terry McQuarren, founder of Me-Harmony.com. When you sign up at Me-Harmony, we only ask you questions about your favorite subject – you.

[ cut to Man #1 and his femininely-dressed identical match ]

Man #1: I can’t believe how lucky I am! Sondra and I finish each other’s thoughts!

Match: And we finish each other’s sentences! It’s amazing!

[ cut to Man #3 being hugged from behind by his femininely-dressed identical match ]

Match: He treats me exactly the way I want and deserve to be treated.

[ cut to Woman standing side-by-side with her masculinely-dressed identical match ]

Woman: I don’t know where I end and he starts.

Match: I have never.. been so attracted to someone on every level.

[ cut to Man #2 standing next to his femininely-dressed identical match ]

Man #2: I didn’t think it was possible to find someone who loves me as much as I love me! But I found her!

Match: You should see people stare at us when we walk down the street! They’re jealous!

[ they both laugh ]

[ cut to Dr. Terry McQuarren ]

Dr. Terry McQuarren: Don’t you deserve the perfect match? [ his perfect match steps next to him and smiles ] At Me-Harmony, we guarantee you someone who is exactly like you – but with different sexual organs.

[ cut to Man #2 and his match kissing ]

Together: Thank you, Me-Harmony!

[ cut to Dr. Terry McQuarren ]

Dr. Terry McQuarren: And, for alternative lifestyles, visit He-Harmony.com.

[ cut to two similar-looking gay men ]

Gay Men: Thank you, He-Harmony!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 12

04l: Jason Bateman / Kelly Clarkson

Goodnights

…..Jason Bateman

Jason Bateman: I want to thank one of the best crews in show business, one of the best casts in show business. Kelly Clarkson. And.. the monkey! The monkey!

[ holding the leash, Bateman squats down to pet the monkey, nearly getting smacked in the face before the monkey turns away from him ]

SNL Transcripts