SNL Tonight

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 13

04m: Hilary Swank / 50 Cent

Weekend Update with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler

…..Tina Fey
…..Amy Poehler
Tom Jankeloff…..Fred Armisen
Morgan Freeman…..Finesse Mitchell

Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, it’s “Weekend Update,” with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler!

[cheers and applause]

Amy: Hi, I’m Amy Poehler.

Tina: And I’m Tina Fey. Here are tonight’s top stories. On Tuesday, jury selection for the Michael Jackson trial was postponed when the popstar was taken to a hospital to be treated for flu. Which is weird, because I would have treated the pedophila. Hmm.

Amy: Earlier in the week, Michael Jackson’s attorney told prospective jurors that defense witnesses in his child molestation trial could include celebrities such as: (shows pictures) Elizabeth Taylor, Nick and Aaron Carter, Diana Ross, Cory Feldman, Peter Pan, Mighty Mouse, Captain Crunch, Dancing Spoon in a Top Hat, and Larry King.

It has been estimated that by Wednesday more than one million people will have been to Central Park to see the art installation “The Gates.” Though I’m pretty sure I’m the only one who gets it.

Tina: Disgusting, ew! We sent one of our Weekend Update roving reporters to check out the gates firsthand. Please welcome Native New Yorker Tom Jankeloff.

Tom Jankeloff: Thanks. So, uh, since they were revealed last week, the whole world’s been talking nonstop about these gates. But I as a New Yorker wanted to see what all the regular New Yorkers had to say about it, so I went to Central Park to find out. Here’s what happened.

(We go to him standing in the Park with a microphone, wearing a Mets windbreaker.)

Tom Jankeloff: Hi, I’m Tom Jankeloff. What is art? Where does art end and reality begin? Who looks at art? We’re gonna answer this and many other questions as we discover: The Gates!

(cut to him interviewing a middle aged woman)

Hi, how are you?

Woman: Hi, how are you?

Tom Jankeloff: Good. Whaddya think of these gates?

Woman: Unbelievable. Awesome.

Tom Jankeloff: (interrupting her) Right, right. Yeah.

Woman: They’re spectacular.

Tom Jankeloff: How did you come across knowing about them?

Woman: Well, um, I’m from Arizona, but I saw it on the Today Show-

Tom Jankeloff: Right, right, yeah, yeah.

Woman: And, uh-

Tom Jankeloff: Yeah.

Woman: I just got here last night-

Tom Jankeloff: Right, right.

Woman: So this is our first day.

(Cut to Jankeloff interviewing a middle-aged couple.)

Tom Jankeloff: How did the color make you feel?

Woman: Happy, it made my whole-

Tom Jankeloff: (Promptly walks away)

Woman: Heart…(gives up and they watch him walk away.)

(Cut to an interview with a jogger.)

Tom Jankeloff: Was it different jogging through these things? Or does jogging still suck?

Jogger: Jogging’s great. I think the gates suck.

Tom Jankeloff: Wow, really. (Jogger walks away)

(interview with a young woman)

Young Woman: I think that they bring a splash of color, to the, to the, park, and-

Tom Jankeloff: Really? Well, that’s not what I think. I think it’s time for a debate. You go first.

Young Woman: (pause) I think that the artist put it here just as an aesthetic for-

Tom Jankeloff: (shakes his head) Nah, nah…

Young Woman: -what they wanted to do-

Tom Jankeloff: Nah, nah. That’s where you’re wrong. Do yer research, do yer research.

(cut to him walking under the gates, he walks up to one)

Tom Jankeloff: Uh, this one…(knocks on it) My favorite.

(cut to him running through the gates)

I love the gates! Thank you, Cristo!

(slow motion footage of Jankeloff in the park is shown as Sarah McLachlan’s “I Will Remember You” plays in the background. The subtext “In Loving Memory, Tom Jankelhoff, 1970-2005. We’ll Miss You.” appears, as some members of the audience make distressed noises. Back to Update desk.)

Tom Jankeloff: Huh, not bad, right?

Tina: Tom, Tom…that kind of makes it seem like you died, at the end.

Tom Jankeloff: Yeah, it’s a nice touch. You know, I’m a filmmaker, you know, and I thought it would be kind of an emotional ending kind of thing.

Tina: All right. Idiot Tom Jankeloff, everybody.

Amy: Mary Kay LeTourneau, the teacher who went to prison for having an affair with her twelve year old student, is going to marry the young man, who is now 22 years old. The couple is registered at Bed, Bath, and Way, Way, Way Beyond.

Tina: It’s been reported that in the event of an emergency situation with North Korea, the U.S. is prepared to send 70% of the Marine Corps to the region. According to President Bush, this will still allow us to send another 70% to Iran, and to keep our other 70% in Iraq.

Amy: New York Governor George Pataki, and Mayor Mike Bloomberg, broke ground on Thursday for a new hotel in Harlem. Then they walked as quickly as they could back to their limos and got the hell out of there.

A Michigan woman who pleaded guilty to driving drunk on three glasses of Listerine was sentenced Tuesday to two years probation. This is the first conviction under this law since the Scopes Monkey Trial.

Tina: No, uh, I don’t think that’s right, actually.

Amy: Oh no, I left school after fourth grade, so uh…(Strikes an innocent pose as Tina looks down at her.)

Tina: (laughing) A leading Republican said Sunday that President Bush is so worried about Social Security that he’s only able to sleep ten hours a night.

According to a new study, it is unlikely that lobsters feel pain when they are cooked. Although they do experience some shame if they end up at a Red Lobster.

Amy: In a recent Valentine’s Day posting on her fan website, Britney Spears says that…oh, who cares.

Tina: Yeah…websites! With the Oscars just one week away, Million Dollar Baby is generating quite a buzz with its seven nominations. Here to talk about his nomination as Best Supporting Actor, Morgan Freeman.

(A chair rolls onstage, but nobody is in it.) Uh…Mr. Freeman, are you there?

Morgan Freeman: (We hear Freeman’s voice) I couldn’t believe it was happenin’. Me, Morgan Freeman, about to do Weekend Update.

Tina: Mr. Freeman, where are you?

Morgan Freeman: Gimme a second, I’m narratin’. Here I am. (Comes onstage and sits) Thank you kindly for havin’ me, ladies.

Tina: Oh, our pleasure, Mr. Freeman. Congratulations on your nomination, you must be very excited.

Morgan Freeman: Well, as always, I’m honored. It’s not the first time for an Oscar playin’ the role of a poor white person’s friend who narrates the film. Same old, same old. Kind of old hat for me. I’ve made a career out of helping white folks solve their problems in movies. Savin’ their lives, givin’ them advice…but no more! No, sir. I think it’s time Morgan Freeman helped himself. And I’m not talkin’ about saving the world. I’m not talkin’ about making people laugh. I’m talkin’ about a grade A, flat out, no holes barred love scene. I wanna get freaky with some young hottie like every other leading man over fifty. Hell, I’m runnin’ outa time. No more advice like, “Get busy livin,’ or ‘Get busy dyin.’ I just wanna get busy. Period. I don’t wanna be drivin’ Miss Daisy. I wanna be ridin’ Miss Daisy. And you know, come to think of it, I’ve made fifteen films with Ashley Judd. What’s a brother gotta do to get some of that? So please, if anybody’s listenin’, write me a script where there’s a love scene. And when you see me in the bed, I’ll show you a true Oscar-winnin’ performance.

Amy: Investigators said Monday that blood found on the floor of a Detroit home was not that of Jimmy Hoffa, but rather a standard feature of homes in Detroit.

Tina: It was reported that for Valentine’s Day, actor David Arquette gave his wife Courtney Cox a $200,000 ruby and emerald necklace. So I guess it’s a joint checking account in that house. (laughs and some strong boos) Yeah, I’ll take it. Ooh, back at you.

Um…last week, doctors reported the discovery of a more virulent and drug-resistant strain of the HIV virus called SuperAids. Or as it’s known in Spanish, Sida Fantastico! Now, you should’ve saved that “ooh” for there. (Audience boos obligingly) There is is!

Amy: An environmentally friendly paper manufacturer in Australia has begun creating paper from marsupial manure. It’s called the New York Post. (some boos) Boo! For Weekend Update, I’m Amy Poehler.

Tina: And I’m Tina Fey. Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.

Submitted by: Hillary

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 13


Song appears
on the album:

04m: Hilary Swank / 50 Cent

50 Cent performs “Disco Inferno”

…..Hilary Swank
…..50 Cent

Hilary Swank: Once again – 50 Cent!

50 Cent:
“Lil’ mama show me how you move it
Go ahead put yo back into it
Do ya thang like there ain’t nothin’ to it
Shake.. sh..sh..shake that thang girl
Lil’ mama show me how you move it
Go ahead put yo back into it
Do ya thang like there ain’t nothin’ to it
Shake.. sh..sh..shake that — girl.

Go go, 50 in the house, bounce, y’all already know what I’m about
The flow sounds sick over Dre’ drums —
I ain’t stupid I see Doc and my dough come quicker. Whoa!
Shorty’ hips is hypnotic, she moves so erotic, but watch
I’m a watch her bounce that ass girl
I get it crunk in here, I make it jump in here, front in here,
we’ll thump in here, ooohh
I’m so gutter, so ghetto, so hood
So gully, so grimey, what’s good?
Outside, the Benz on dubs
I’m in the club with the snub, don’t start nothin’,
it won’t be nothin’, uuhhh.

Lil’ mama show me how you move it
Go ahead put yo back into it
Do ya thang like there ain’t nothin’ to it
Shake.. sh..sh.. shake that thang girl
Lil’ mama show me how you move it
Go ahead put yo back into it
Do ya thang like there ain’t nothin’ to it
Shake.. sh..sh.. shake that thang girl.

Let’s party, everybody stand up
Everybody put ya hands up
Let’s party, everybody bounce with me
Some champagne and burn a lil’ green with me
This hot, Disco Inferno, let’s go
You are now rockin’ wit’ a pro
I get told to flip dough to get more, fa sho’
Get my drink on, then get on the dance flo’
Look homie I don’t dance all I do is this
It’s the same two step wit’ a lil’ twist
Listen pimpin’ I ain’t new to this, I’m true to this
Pay attention boy, I teach ya how to do this thing
So you mix a lil’ Cris with a lil’ Dom Perignon
And a lil’ Hennessy, you know we finna carry on
Hollerin’ at these snakes in da club tryin’ to get right
We gonna be up in this — ’til we break daylight.

Lil’ mama show me how you move it
Go ahead put yo back into it
Do ya thang like there ain’t nothin’ to it
Shake.. sh..sh.. shake that thang girl
Lil’ mama show me how you move it
Go ahead put yo back into it
Do ya thang like there ain’t nothin’ to it
Shake.. sh..sh.. shake that thang girl.

You see me shinin’ and lit up with diamonds cause I stay grindin’
Homie you can catch me swoopin Bentley coupin’, switchin lanes
You see me rollin’, you know I’m holdin’, I’m about my paper, yeah
Now I’m serious, I ain’t playin’
I’ll embed it in ya brain, I’m off the chain
G-Unit! Next level now, turn it up a notch
Em and Dre sent me to tear up the spot
Front on me, oh no, you know I’m loco
Hands up on the dance floor, ok let’s go!

Lil’ mama show me how you move it
Go ahead put yo back into it
Do ya thang like there ain’t nothin’ to it
Shake.. sh..sh.. shake that thang girl
Lil’ mama show me how you move it
Go ahead put yo back into it
Do ya thang like there ain’t nothin’ to it
Shake.. sh..sh.. shake that thang girl.”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 13


Song appears
on the album:

04m: Hilary Swank / 50 Cent

50 Cent and Olivia perform “Candy Shop”

…..Hilary Swank
…..50 Cent
…..Olivia

Hilary Swank: Ladies and gentlemen – Fiddy Cent, featuring Olivia!

50 Cent:
“Yeah…
Uh huh
So seductive.

I take you to the candy shop
I’ll let you lick the lollypop
Go ‘head girl, don’t you stop
Keep going ’til you hit the spot (whoa)

Olivia:
I’ll take you to the candy shop (uh huh)
Boy one taste of what I got (come on)
I’ll have you spending all you got (say what?)
Keep going ’til you hit the spot (whoa)

50 Cent:
You can have it your way, how do you want it
You gon’ back that thing up or should I push up on it
Temperature rising, okay let’s go to the next level
Dance floor jam packed, hot as a teakettle
I’ll break it down for you now, baby it’s simple
If you be a nympho, I’ll be a nympho
In the hotel or in the back of the rental
On the beach or in the park, it’s whatever you into
Got the magic stick, I’m the love doctor
Have your friends teasin you ’bout how sprung I gotcha
Wanna show me how you work it baby, no problem
Get on top then get to bouncing round like a low rider
I’m a season vet when it come to this —
After you broke up a sweat you can play with the stick
I’m tryin to explain baby the best way I can
I melt in your mouth girl, not in your hands (ha ha)

I take you to the candy shop
I’ll let you lick the lollypop
Go ‘head girl, don’t you stop
Keep going ’til you hit the spot (whoa)

Olivia:
I’ll take you to the candy shop (uh huh)
Boy one taste of what I got (come on)
I’ll have you spending all you got (say what?)
Keep going ’til you hit the spot (whoa)

Girl what we do (what we do)
And where we do (and where we do)
The things we do (the things we do)
Are just between me and you (oh yeah)

Give it to me baby, nice and slow
Climb on top, ride like you in the rodeo
You ain’t never heard a sound like this before
Cause I ain’t never put it down like this
Soon as I come through the door she get to pullin’ on my zipper
It’s like it’s a race who can get undressed quicker (whoo!)
Isn’t it ironic how erotic it is to watch ’em in thongs
Had me thinking ’bout that ass after I’m gone
I touch the right spot at the right time
Lights on or lights off, she like it from behind
So seductive, you should see the way she wind
Her hips in slow-mo on the floor when we grind
No, she ain’t stoppin, homie I ain’t stoppin’
Drippin’ wet with sweat man its on and popping
All my champagne campaign, bottle after bottle its on
And we gon’ sip til every bubble in every bottle is gone.

I take you to the candy shop
I’ll let you lick the lollypop
Go ‘head girl, don’t you stop
Keep going ’til you hit the spot (whoa)

Olivia:
I’ll take you to the candy shop (uh huh)
Boy one taste of what I got (come on)
I’ll have you spending all you got (say what?)
Keep going ’til you hit the spot (whoa)

50 Cent:
I take you to the candy shop
I’ll let you lick the lollypop
Go ‘head girl, don’t you stop
Keep going ’til you hit the spot (whoa)

Olivia:
I’ll take you to the candy shop (uh huh)
Boy one taste of what I got (come on)
I’ll have you spending all you got (say what?)
Keep going ’til you hit the spot (whoa)”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 13

04m: Hilary Swank / 50 Cent

Hilary Swank’s Monologue

…..Hilary Swank
…..Chris Parnell
…..Maya Rudolph
…..Will Forte
…..Horatio Sanz
…..Kenan Thompson
…..Seth Meyers
…..Amy Poehler

Don Pardo: Ladies and gentlemen, Hilary Swank!

Hilary Swank: Thank you! I am so excited to be here hosting Saturday Night Live! I just thought it would be good to do something really stressful the week before the Academy Awards, so that Oscar night will seem really relaxing by comparison. Now, I don’t know if you guys have seen Million Dollar Baby yet…(applause) Thank you! Without giving too much away, I can tell you, it ain’t a comedy. Now, I haven’t done a lot of comedy before, so I really had to work hard this week, and I like to do my homework. So, I spent the week studying the cast. You would not believe how intensely these guys prepare! Well, come on, I’ll show you! (Walks stage left of home base to a set area that is deserted except for Chris Parnell jumping rope in a red exercise outfit.) Here’s Chris. Now, Chris, um, you’re getting ready for a Richard Simmons sketch?

Chris: (laughs) No, Hilary. I like to do 18 minutes of intensive cardio exercise right before each show. Really gets your juices flowing, Hilary. Give it a try. (hands her the jump rope) And, don’t be frustrated if it’s a little hard at first.

Hilary Swank: (takes the jump rope) Oh, okay. (does a swishy thing with the jump rope and then begins jumping faster than Chris was, although she stumbles once. Applause. Then she grins and hands the rope back to Parnell and runs away upstage right.)

Chris: Alrighty…good for you.

Hilary Swank: (running around the audience) Will and Maya taught me that there are totally different kinds of vocal warm-ups you have to do for comedy. (reaches Will and Maya behind the audience)

Will and Maya: (unison) Bilbo Baggins bent on bended knee. (They repeat this as Hilary joins in.) I would like to buy a tuxedo for my dog, Mr. Weisenheimer.

Maya: (Stops Hilary) No, Hilary, Hilary, dig down deep. From, from, your yoni.

Hilary Swank: (Raises her eyebrows and nods. Speaks loudly and throatily) Mr. Weisenheimer!

Maya: Very good, very good. (sticks out her tongue) Rah, rah, rah.

Will: (Joins in with the noises) Va, na dah…

Hilary Swank: (Joins in)

Maya: Ba bay bee bo boo…

Hilary Swank: Thanks guys!

Maya: Anytime.

Hilary Swank: (Continues to make noises and faces as she walks down a hall.) Now, on Saturday, Horatio drinks nothing but liquid egg whites, for energy. (She has reached Horatio and taps him on the shoulder. He is carrying a pitcher full of a mysterious white liquid.) Oh here, lemme have a hit of that. (Grabs the pitcher and takes a gulp. She makes a face.) Horatio, that’s mayonnaise!

Horatio: Is it? (Takes a gulp) So it is. I must take my nutritionist to task! (Dips a piece of bread in the pitcher and eats it.) Post haste!

Hilary Swank: (Rolls her eyes and leaves Horatio, walking down another hall.) Now, Kenan taught me that the biggest thing in live television, is that you have to be relaxed. Like in sports, you need to be in a state of relaxed readiness. (reaches Kenan’s dressing room door, knocks) Kenan! (When there is no answer, she motions to the camera and opens the door. She enters and sits next to Kenan, who is slumped on a couch and dressed as Queen Latifah at the Grammys. He is snoring, but his eyes are open.) Now, Kenan is so deeply relaxed. Check this out! He can actually sleep with his eyes open! And he’s in costume, ready to perform comedy at any time. Watch this. (talks in his ear) Kenan, Kenan, you’re on!

Kenan: (wakes up) Wh-What? (unintelligible) Welcome to the two thousand and five Grammy Awards. (blinks, then slumps back down on the couch)

Hilary Swank: Isn’t that amazing? Kenan, it’s time for Update!

Kenan: (Wakes up again. As Bill Cosby.) What? I love the Jello pudding pops! (slumps down again)

Hilary Swank: (Gets up, walks out) The only other person I knew who could do that, is Morgan Freeman. (Approaches Rachel’s door) Now, Rachel never let me in her dressing room. She’s very private about her process. But, maybe we can get a sneak peek. (Grins, motions to the camera, and opens the door and enters.)

Rachel: You don’t own me. (We see Rachel is dressed in a pink nightie and hairnet, holding a large bottle of liquor. She is talking to something we can’t see.) You’re not the boss of me! (takes a swig) You’re not the boss of me! What you smilin’ at, four eyes, huh? (We see she is talking to a huge photo of Tina Fey.) Whatchoo smiling at?! (She hurls the bottle at the the photo. She looks around, breathing heavily.)

Hilary Swank: Whoa, let’s get out of here. (Exits) Um, who knew Rachel Dratch’s comedy came from such a dark place? (Goes down a corridor to another hall) Whoa. Wow. That’s a lotta anger coming out of such a tiny body. (She reaches Amy and Seth, who appear not to notice her.)

Seth: So I think, you know, when the Little Sleuths come in, that’s, you know, when we’re gonna start it.

Amy: Yeah yeah yeah, we just gotta keep our energy up.

Seth Meyers: Yeah yeah yeah. Absolutely, you know-

Hilary Swank: These guys, they like to study their old scripts to go over them again and again.

Amy: Yeah.

Seth: (to Amy) I’m really happy we’re doing this scene.

Amy: Me too. (They look as if they are about to hug, and then start wildly making out.)

Hilary Swank: Um…hey guys, are you ready for the show?

Amy: (They stop) Oh hey!

Seth: Haha, we didn’t see you!

Amy: You were standing right next to us. We just have, what we do to get in the funny zone.

Seth: Yeah yeah yeah, get in the funny zone.

Hilary Swank: Well, I definitely want to get in the funny zone. (Starts making out with Seth, then they stop and laugh)

Seth: Hahaha, that was so funny!

Hilary Swank: That was hilarious! I’m ready! (runs off)

Seth: Hahaha!

Amy: (looks pissed) What the hell was that?

Seth: What? I have to, she’s the host!

Amy: (pause) I love how spineless you are. (They go at it again. Seth pushes her onto a cafeteria table, knocking over bowls of fruit.)

Hilary Swank: (back at home base) Alright! I am pumped, I am in the zone…I’m vaguely nauseous…let’s start this thing! We have got a great show for you, Fiddy Cent is here! (applauds) So stick around, we’ll be right back!

(Fade.)

Submitted by: Hillary

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 13

04m: Hilary Swank / 50 Cent

Hot Plates

Female Diner #1…..Hilary Swank
Louis…..Kenan Thompson
Male Diner…..Seth Meyers
Female Diner #2…..Amy Poehler
Waiter #1…..Horatio Sanz
Waiter #2…..Rob Riggle
Satan…..Will Forte

[open on interior of restaurant with four people sitting around a table]

Female Diner #1: Happy birthday, Louis!

Louis: Thanks, you guys. You’re the best!

Male Diner: Happy birthday, buddy. You’re the best.

Female Diner #2: Hey, so I hear the food here is amazing.

Male Diner: Yeah.

Louis: Well, where is it? Because I am starving.

Female Diner #1: Yeah, where–Oh, here’s our waiter now.

Waiter #1: Hey-hey! There we go, folks.

Male Diner: Something smells great.

Waiter #1: [holding heat gloves] Okay, everybody. Your food is here, but I want to warn you, okay? Please be careful. The plates are extremely hot.

Waiter #2: [arriving with food cart] Very hot plates!

Waiter #1: Hot plates!

Female Diner #1: Okay, okay, we get it. “Hot plates.”

[diners chuckle]

Waiter #1: No, seriously. [puts on heat gloves] These plates are awfully hot. Use extreme caution.

Waiter #2: Hot plates! Coming in! [hands plate to Waiter #1]

Waiter #1: Okay, here we go. [receives plate from Waiter #2] T-bone! Who’s got the T-bone?! Hot plate here! Hot plate!

Male Diner: Oh, right here. My plate. Sorry.

Waiter #1: Yaaaaah-all right! [puts plate down in front of Male Diner]

Male Diner: Oh! Oh, man! This plate is unreasonably hot! I feel the heat on my face!

Waiter #1: Yeah, you know what? I told you, watch yourself. I told you, the plate would be hot. Okay, the plates are absolutely roasting, folks.

Waiter #2: Hot plates!

Waiter #1: Hot plates!

Female Diner #2: I’m starting to sweat. This is crazy!

Waiter #1: [receives plate from Waiter #2] Okay, who’s got the salmon?

Female Diner #1: That’s me. That’s–right here.

Waiter #1: Okay, here we go. [puts plate down in front of Female Diner #1]

Female Diner #1: [leaning over the plate] Oh, it looks good!

Waiter #1: Agh! Be careful! Get your hair off the plate! And if I were you, I’d roll up those sleeves. The plate is hot as lava!

Waiter #2: Hot plates!

Waiter #1: Hot plates!

[smoke begins to rise around Female Diner #1’s plate]

Female Diner #1: My plate’s burning the tablecloth.

Waiter #1: Don’t worry, everybody. The tablecloths are made of a heat-resistant asbestos.

Male Diner: Hey, isn’t asbestos dangerous?

Waiter #1: Okay, guy? These plates and how hot they are are the least of your worries, all right?

Waiter #2: Hot plates!

Waiter #1: Hot plates! All right, who had the baby field greens with gargonzola and walnuts?

Louis: Yeah, that’s me, right over here.

Waiter #1: [receives plate from Waiter #2] Okay, sir, please, watch it, because the closest comparison I can give you to this plate is, like, the surface of the sun hot. Okay, be careful.

Louis: For a salad plate?

Waiter #1: Yeah. [puts plate down in front of Louis]

[plate bursts into flames]

Louis: Aaaaah! Oh, my lordness! My salad is on fire!

Waiter #1: It’s not the salad! It’s the plate!

Waiter #2: Hot plates!

Waiter #1: Hot plates!

Male Diner: Hey, excuse me, waiter? The hot plate kind of overcooked my steak. [holds up his very burnt steak on a fork]

Waiter #1: You know what? I don’t go to where you work and tell you what to do, do I? Where do you work, by the way?

Male Diner: I’m a waiter over at Four Oaks.

Waiter #1: Oh, that’s a nice place.

Male Diner: Yeah.

Waiter #1: I’ll be right back with your food.

Female Diner #1: Um, my plate looks like it may be burning through the table. [plate burns through table and falls amid a cloud of steam, she and Louis gasp]

Male Diner: What is going on?!

Louis: You know, I suddenly feel like I might want to touch my plate.

Female Diner #1: No, you idiot! He just told you how hot they are!

Louis: I can’t resist it any longer! I have to touch that plate! [grasps his right hand in his left and guides it to the plate, screaming in pain upon making contact]

Female Diner #2: What happened?

Louis: Pinky touched the plate. [puts pinky finger into glass of water, which sprays up a large jet in response]

Male Diner: Oh, my God!

Female Diner #1: I gotta admit, it’s getting pretty tempting to touch his plate.

Male Diner: Are you crazy?! Didn’t you just see what happened to Louis?! Goddamn these plates!

Female Diner #1: I hear what you’re saying, but I have to touch the plate! [reaches her right hand to the plate and screams]

Louis: Oh, why did she touch the plate?!

Female Diner #1: He was right! [she tries to pull her hand from the plate, but the heat has fused her skin to it] My hand melted!

[diners scream wildly in terror as Waiter #1 arrives, waring a welding mask on top of his heat, and attempts to pry her fingers from the plate]

Waiter #1: We’re going to deal with that later. But now, something a little more important. Who had the scallop plate?! Scallops?!

Female Diner #2: Right here! My plate! Scallops, right here!

Male Diner: [shrieking] How do you still want the scallops?!

Waiter #1: Now, guys, I have to warn you. These scallops–the plate for these scallops is unlike any other plate in the restaurant. It is hot, do you understand?! It’s unholy hot. You have to avert your eyes when I bring the plate. [lowers welding mask] Whatever you do, don’t look at the plate.

[Waiter #2 arrives, also wearing a welding mask, and holding the plate in tongs. He transfers the tongs to Waiter #1’s hands, and Waiter #1 sets it down in front of Female Diner #2. A fiery, purple-red light shines on her, and all diners recoil with their hands over their faces.]

Female Diner #2: God, you know, I need to look at that plate.

Female Diner #1: No, no, no, I wouldn’t do that!

Waiter #1: Please don’t, not without the mask!

Female Diner #1: He’s even wearing a welder’s hat!

Female Diner #2: I know, I know the risks, yet still I’m compelled. I must look at that plate! [she lowers her hands, leans over the plate, and screams in pain as she falls back with her hands over her eyes]

Female Diner #1: What happened?!

Male Diner: What do you think?! She burned her eyes looking at the plate!

Louis: Oh, we told you not to look at it!

[shot returns to Female Diner #2 to show that she is now a skeleton, with a dramatic musical cue, and all diners scream in terror and anguish]

Female Diner #2: It’s so damn hot!

Satan: Because, my dear, you’re in hell! [cackles as lights flicker with dramatic music, and smoke rises around him, before all effects suddenly stop] But do enjoy your meal.

Male Diner: Thank you.

Submitted by: DavidK93

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 13

04m: Hilary Swank / 50 Cent

Grayson-Moorhead Securities II

Arthur Grayson…..Jim Downey

[SUPER: Grayson Moorhead Investments]

Female Announcer: A message to our clients from the investment firm of Grayson Moorhead.

[Male announcer reads the following quote, attributed to TheodoreRoosevelt, as the quote is superimposed on screen over a bust ofRoosevelt]

Male Announcer: “Far better it is to dare mighty things, even though risking failure, than to take rank with those timid souls who neither enjoy much nor suffer much, because they live in the gray twilight that knows neither victory nor defeat.”

[Cut to Arthur Grayson, walking around his office]

Arthur Grayson: The last eighteen years have been difficult ones for our clients, but, oh, did they dare mighty things. Consider, forexample, those who invested in our Twenty-First Century Tax AdvantagedSelect Growth Fund. I wish I had that kind of courage.

[He opens up his liquor cabinet and makes himself a drink]

This fund, one of the boldest and most revolutionary ever launched onWall Street, was intended to combine long-term equity growth, steadycapital formation, reliable dividend yield, and minimal tax exposure.

[Graph shown of the investment losing money at a staggering rate,plummeting farther and farther into the red over time]

Unfortunately, it instead turned out to combine immediate capitalhemorrhaging with flat or non-existent dividend growth, followed by aperiod of stagnation, then more capital hemorrhaging, and,surprisingly for a tax-exempt fund, extremely heavy back-end taxpenalties.

[Back to Grayson]

In addition, many investors were referred for criminal prosecution bythe Securities and Exchange Commission, and more than 7,000 had theiridentities stolen by the Russian Mafia, which had unwisely been givenaccess to our computer system. Three had their U.S. Citizenshiprevoked.

[He takes his drink and moves to sit by the fire]

Had you invested $100,000 in this fund five years ago, that investmentwould now be worth absolutely nothing, with a federal income taxliability of nearly $840,000. But you would have something moreimportant than money — that you would have none of. You would havethe pride of knowing that, though you failed, you had dared mightythings, unlike those timid investors who, in the words of the poet,know neither victory nor defeat. Although I suppose investors whoplaced their money with our competitors, and thus made a fortune,could argue they actually did, in fact, know victory. And perhaps, ina financial sense, they did. But they didn’t know defeat. That issomething only our clients understand.

[He turns towards the fire, settling into his chair]

Male Announcer: Grayson Moorhead. Losing our clients’ money withdignity and pride since 1926.

Submitted by: Anonymous

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 13

04m: Hilary Swank / 50 Cent

Grayson-Moorhead Securities

Arthur Grayson…..Jim Downey

[SUPER: “Grayson Moorhead Investments”]

[Open on Arthur Grayson, sitting behind a desk in an opulent office]

Arthur Grayson: On Wall Street, there are different types ofinvestors, just as there are different types of investment firms tocater to their needs.

[graph shown of ten-year investment rising over time]

Some seek aggressive capital appreciation, combined with short-termemerging market gains.

[graph shown of a different ten-year investment rising over time]

Others prefer a value-driven model balanced by steady dividend growth.

[back to Grayson]

And each strategy, we suppose, has its place. But at GraysonMoorhead, we take a somewhat different approach.

[graph shown of ten-year investment quickly sinking to zero; back to Grayson]

You see, in choosing stocks for investment, we at Grayson Moorheadhave never followed the conventional Wall Street wisdom — all thebusiness about price to earnings ratios and dividend payout rates, orreturn on common equity. To us, it’s something intangible: a feelingin the gut; a tingle at the back of the neck; a voice whispering inthe ear that says, “These are important companies doing importantthings.” We want our clients to be a part of it. Companies like:

[Company portfolios are shown]

Crocodile Dundee Smoked Dingo Sausage. Excelsior She-Male EscortServices. The President Lyndon B. Johnson Commemorative WristwatchCompany. Goliath Extra-Large Cellular Phones. Rosie Magazine. Gloria Vanderbilt Jeans for Men. And Enron.

[Grayson sits by the fire]

Most of these companies are now bankrupt. Others have been exposed asfronts for a variety of criminal enterprises. Every single one ofthem has lost staggering amounts of money for our investors. But atGrayson Moorhead, we have always felt — and we like to think ourclients would agree – that when you lose your life savings because youbelieved in something greater than yourself, you haven’t really lostit all. For when it comes to investing, there are more importantthings than making money. If you don’t understand that, maybe we’renot the company for you.

[He turns towards the fire, settling into his chair]

Announcer: Grayson Moorhead. Losing our clients’ money with dignityand pride since 1926.

Submitted by: Anonymous

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 13

04m: Hilary Swank / 50 Cent

Goodnights

…..Hilary Swank

Hilary Swank: Thanks to Fiddy Cent.. Olivia.. and everyone at SNL! [ 50 Cent leans in to kiss Swank’s forehead ] Have a great night! Whoooo!! [ wraps her arms around 50 Cent for a hug ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 13

04m: Hilary Swank / 50 Cent

Debbie Downer

…..Hilary Swank
Chad Lowe…..Will Forte
Debbie Downer…..Rachel Dratch
Man #1…..Seth Meyers
Man #2…..Fred Armisen

[open on crowd of people dressed in formal wear]

[dissolve to interior tiered seating area with Hilary and Chad]

Hilary: This is so amazing. This such a special night and I am surrounded by everyone that matters to me. Especially you, Chad.

Chad: Oh, well, your friend better get here soon, because I think they’re about to start.

Hilary: Yeah, I know.

Chad: I bet you’re the only person to take your first babysitter to the Oscars.

Hilary: Well, we used to put on plays in my living room, and that’s when I really fell in love with acting. Oh, my God! Here she is! Hi, Deb! [stands and hugs Debbie, who enters from the left.

Debbie: Hey, sorry I’m late. There was an accident on the 405. From the looks of it, there may have fatalities. You gotta assume that when they bring out the jaws of life. [camera closes in on Debbie’s face with trumpet: wah wahhhhh]

[dissolve to jingle montage]

Jingle: You’re enjoying your day. / Everything’s going your way. / Then along comes Debbie Downer. / Always there to tell you ’bout a new disease. / A car accident or killer bees. / You’ll beg her to spare you, “Debbie, please!” / But you can’t stop Debbie Downer!”

[zoom on Debbie’s sad face]

[dissolve to seating area, with Hilary and Debbie now seated]

Hilary: I’m so glad you’re here. Chad, this is Debbie. She used to babysit me.

Chad: Hi, nice to meet you, Debbie. [they shake hands]

Debbie: Hi. Wow, Hilary, you really look like a movie star.

Hilary: Oh, you look nice, too.

Debbie: Yeah, it’s hard to find dresses that hang right on my frame. Way to go, scoliosis. [camera closes in on Debbie’s face with trumpet: wah wahhhhh]

Man #1: [from the seat behind Hilary] So, you got the speech ready, Hilary?

Man #2: [from next to Man #1] You better be thanking us!

Hilary: Oh, come on guys!

Man #1: Ooh, check out the diamonds!

Hilary: [puttings her fingertips to her diamond earrings] Harry Winston!

Debbie: Yeah, just think, one of those diamonds could probably pay to rebuild countless homes destroyed by the tsunami. [camera closes in on Debbie’s face with trumpet: high pitched wah wahhhhh]

[lights dim]

Hilary: Okay guys, I think it’s about to start.

Debbie: [slips off her jacket to reveal a large red ribbon] Okay, wow.

Man #1: Hey, wow, that’s a pretty big ribbon.

Debbie: Oh, yeah, I had a normal-sized one until two weeks ago when they discovered the super strain. [camera closes in very tightly on Debbie’s face as she grimaces crookedly with trumpet: prolonged wah wahhhhh]

Chad: So, this was your favorite babysitter?

Hilary: Well, I guess back then I thought she was dark and cool, but now I see she’s just a huge ass-ache.

Chad: Well, here’s the good news: The show’s only six hours long.

[Hilary looks towards Debbie in horror and disgust]

Debbie: [to the men behind her] And if you’re getting a new puppy, do me a favor: check it for ringworm; makes rabies look like the common cold. [camera closes in very tightly on Debbie’s face with sound effect: rawr rawwwwwr]

[dissolve to exterior of Kodak Theatre with title: “FOUR HOURS LATER”]

[dissolve to seating area]

Debbie: Boy, that was my favorite part of the night: honoring those we lost this year. Sad thing is, most of those deaths were preventable.

Hilary: Why doesn’t she just shut it?

Announcer: Coming up next, the Oscar for Best Actress.

Hilary: Oh, my God, here it comes! I’m so nervous! [smiles and giggles]

Chad: Oh, I’m so proud of you.

Debbie: [leaning across Hilary] Hey, did you guys hear the Prime Minister of Lebanon was assassinated? [camera closes in on Debbie’s face with trumpet: deep wahhhhh]

Hilary: I can’t take it anymore! You know what, Debbie? You’re a nightmare! This was supposed to be one of the best nights of my life, and all you’ve done is talk about death, tragedy, and the fact your fancy shoes are aggravating your planters warts.

Debbie: Don’t blame me. Blame the pool area at the La Quinta Inn. [camera closes in very tightly on Debbie’s face as she frowns distastefully with trumpet: wah wahhhhh]

Hilary: Ugh, I don’t even want to find out who wins. I’m getting a drink. [stands and exits]

Debbie: [stands and takes Hilary’s seat next to Chad] Mmm, looks like it’s just you and me.

Chad: Well, nice going, Debbie. Now there’s no way I’m going to get thanked. Again. [stands and exits]

Debbie: Sorry guys, I can’t make it to the after-party. [cups hand to mouth to shout] Finger foods do a real number on my GI tract. [camera closes in on Debbie’s face with trumpet: high pitched wah wahhhhh]

[dissolve to end title card with close-up of Debbie’s face]

Jingle: No, you can’t stop Debbie Downer!

Debbie: Guess who’s in bed together: North Korea and nukes.

Submitted by: DavidK93

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 13

04m: Hilary Swank / 50 Cent

Sheila Choad’s Los Angeles Face

Sheila Choad…..Maya Rudolph
Susan Diteward…..Hilary Swank
Alyssa Hudsies…..Amy Poehler
Pamela Albert…..Rachel Dratch

Announcer: You’re watching Fine Living, eww. At 1:00 PM it’s The Wealthy Golfer, followed by Where to Store Your Racecars in Tuscany. But first, Sheila Choad’s Los Angeles Face.

(SUPER: SHIELA CHOAD’S LOS ANGELES FACE)

Sheila: (with a Botox-ed face and an English accent) Good day, I’m Sheila Choad. Welcome to the Los Angeles Face, the only show dedicated to Botox and the Botox lifestyle. My guests today are Susan Diteward-

Susan: (with a Botox-ed face) I’m so excited to be here!

Sheila: Alyssa Hudsies-

Alyssa: It’s a Zen pleasure.

Sheila: And Pamela Albert.

Pamela: (with a scrunched-up face) Hey.

Sheila: Ladies, let me first say that you are all beautiful, and I am feeling so much girl power right now. Alyssa, tell us your story. How did Botox find you?

Alyssa: Sheila, I would love to. I live in Los Angeles, I’m a stay-at home non-mom. And originally I was very opposed to any forms of cosmetic procedures, but then my husband hired a 19-year old Brazilian girl to answer phones at his Mercedes dealership.

Sheila: Oh, 19 and Brazilian. Double whammy! (Sheila and Alyssa both try to laugh, but are having difficulties.) Susan, how about you? What inspired you to inject botchenism into your face?

Susan: Well Sheila, I work in the highly competitive entertainment industry.

Sheila: Ah, indeed yes.

Susan: And if I don’t look fresh and sexy, these Hollywood executives will find someone who does.

Sheila: I see. What is it that you do exactly?

Susan: I operate the Revenge of the Mummy roller coaster at Universal Studios.

Sheila: And you look gorgeous doing it. Take a look at Susan’s before picture. (A picture of what Hilary Swank actually looks like, except with a slightly misshapen head.) Oh, that’s awful! How embarrassing!

Susan: Now no one can tell that I just turned 26.

Sheila: Oh, thank God!

Susan: How about you, Sheila?

Sheila: Excuse me?

Susan: What made you choose Botox and collagen?

Sheila: (Uncomfortable) Um… no, I’ve never gotten… any of those. I’m just… the paid host of the show.

Alyssa: Really?

Sheila: (Angry) Yes bitch, really. Don’t give me that look. (Alyssa looks confused, but doesn’t move her face.) Now, on to Pamela. Pamela, how has your life been enhanced for Botox?

Pamela: (With a muffled voice) Well, I read an ad in the Orlando Central saying the nail salon behind Howard Johnson’s was having a Botox sale!

Sheila: Uh-huh, I see.

Pamela: But I didn’t have the whole $99, so the guy said he’d do half my face for 50.

Sheila: Uh-huh.

Pamela: But it turns out it wasn’t real Botox. He injected my face with a mixture of salmonella and (Trying to say “scorpion venom,” but comes out muffled)

Sheila: (Confused) Scope and lemon?

Pamela: Scorpion venom!

Sheila: Oh, scorpion venom! My goodness! What a terrible thing!

Alyssa: Oh my God, so tragic!

Susan: To think someone would do that enrages me! I’m so enraged right now!

Pamela: Yeah. Plus he did some weird credit card fraud on me, and now I owe $2,000 to a cell phone store in Miami!

Sheila: Damn it! I promised myself I wasn’t going to cry today! And now look at me, I’m- I’m crying like a baby!

Susan: Me too!

Alyssa: Am I?

Pamela: Yeah. It’s hard for me to feed myself.

Sheila: (Not understanding) What?

Pamela: It’s hard for me to feed myself!

Sheila: (Still not understanding) What’s that?

Pamela: It’s hard for me to feed myself!

Sheila: Wonderful. Good for you. Ladies, If you have had any advice for potential Botox clients, what would it be?

Alyssa: Um, I would just say, do it. Do it for yourself, and also just do it because everyone else is doing it.

Susan: If you find a doctor who’s really willing to work with you, you can get him to put Botox in your bikini area. It makes you look really rested down there.

Sheila: Pamela?

Pamela: Umm, if a guy says he left his medical license if Cuba, umm, maybe you should just get out of there. (Pauses) Especially if he’s wearing a Burger King uniform!

Sheila: Once again, I didn’t catch any of that. Join us next week on the Los Angeles Face when my guests will be Nicole Kidman (Pauses) ‘s dog walker, and comedienne Jerry Shandly. Buh-bye!

(Fades Out)

Submitted by: Casey Ellis

SNL Transcripts