SNL Tonight

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 14

04n: David Spade / Jack Johnson

Weekend Update with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler

…..Tina Fey
…..Amy Poehler
Horatio Sanz…..Jorge Rodriguez

Announcer: From Studio 8-H in Rockefeller Center, it’s Weekend Update with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler!

Amy Poehler: Hello, I’m Amy Poehler.

Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey and here are tonight’s top stories.

On her first day back at work since going to prison Martha Stewart addressed her employees saying, “During the last five months, I’ve had the privilege to meet an incredible cross-section of people,” adding, “Thank God that’s over!”

Amy Poehler: Martha was greeted with a standing ovation. Stewart called the ovation heartwarming and mandatory.

Tina Fey: In this weeks fashion news, nothing classes up pajamas and sandals like a blazer. (Shows a picture of Michael Jackson arriving at court in the clothes just mentioned) Michael Jackson arrived over an hour late for his trial Thursday. Jackson explained that on the way to court, he got stuck in a twelve year old.

Amy Poehler: Feuding rappers 50 Cent (Amy pronounces it ‘Fiddy’ throughout) and The Game declared a truce Wednesday and donated a total of 253,000 dollars to The Boys Choir of Harlem. Uh-oh Tina! I think it’s time for Amy Poehler’s Hip-Hop Breakdown! (In a gangster voice) All right, yo yo check it! As you know, 50 and The Game, aka Curtis and Albert… got up in it cuz The Game gave mad love to 50’s enemies… Fat Joe, Jadakiss, and Jadakiss’s wife, Jada-Pinkett-Kiss. All right, all right, then 50 was hatin’ on The Game on Hot 97. The Game was like, “What! Hell no!”

Tina Fey: You know you’re a three foot tall white girl, right?

Amy Poehler: Right yeah! But it’s all good up in the hood okay, cuz they got some G-Unity flowing all right cuz you remember you guys you can’t bite the hand all right. I can’t be like, “Tina your jokes are whack, you’re tired, you’re corny, I got no love for your style, you’re…”

(Tina grabs a gun out from under the desk and shoots at Amy six times)

Amy Poehler: Ah! Nah nah not today! Yo! Not today!

(Tina shoots at Amy five more times)

Amy Poehler: My body eats bullets, bitch!

Don Pardo V/O: This has been Amy Poehler’s Hip-Hop Breakdown!

Tina Fey: You can shoot her and shoot her and nothing happens.

Condoleezza Rice told The Washington Times Friday that she would not rule out running for president in 2008, which means if elected she would become the first ever woman of freckles to hold the office.

Amy Poehler: During the interview, Rice described her stance on abortion as ‘Mildly Pro-Choice’, meaning she would support abortion except in cases where the mother is pregnant.

(Shows a picture of Arnold next to a woman body builder with huge muscles)
This week, Arnold Schwarzenegger said he was very pleased with his wife Maria Shriver’s Extreme Makeover.

Tina Fey: Joan London and her husband has twins babies this week via a surrogate mother. And, by the way, that check did not clear Joan, so I’m gonna need that 800 in cash.

Amy Poehler: 800?

Tina Fey: Well, it was two babies…

Amy Poehler: Oh yeah…

British customs officials arrested a Nigerian woman at Heathrow Airport for carrying more than her own weight in edible snails. The event will be dramatized in the upcoming film, “Maria Full of Snails”.

According to a new report, children do not necessarily get enough calcium from milk and scientists suggest kale, tofu, oatmeal, and broccoli, or as children call them, the four horsemen of the Apocalypse.

Tina Fey: Egypt’s top archeologists said Tuesday that the results of a Kat scan done on King Tut’s mummy indicate that the boy king was not murdered but may have died from an infection after badly breaking his leg. Thus finally providing closure for King Tut’s great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great grandson Terry Tut. (Shows a picture of a fat, pale man in a pharaoh hat)

Amy Poehler: Well everybody, it’s tax time again, and while many Americans are more comfortable doing their own taxes, one man is here to assure us that it’s okay to let someone else file our returns. Here with more, please welcome Jorge Rodriguez everybody.

Jorge Rodriguez: Thank you Amy. For many years, I always tried to do my own taxes… but it was hard with all those forms. There’s the W2 forms… the 10-99’s… the 10-40’s… uh… uh… the 9-41’s… the 10-88’s…

Amy Poehler: (Somewhat annoyed) Mmhmm… all right.

Jorge Rodriguez: the10-68’s…

Amy Poehler: Yep…

Jorge Rodriguez: uh… the 18-68’s…

Amy Poehler: All right…

Jorge Rodriguez: the 24-21’s…

Amy Poehler: Mmhmm…

Jorge Rodriguez: The, um… 88-29’s…

Amy Poehler: Okay, wow, great, okay! That sounds like a lot of paperwork, Jorge.

Jorge Rodriguez: Yeah! It was getting crazy… so crazy I needed some help. So I asked this guy I know to help me. His name is Pepe. He told me to let someone else do it. You can use H&R Block…um… Turbo Tax… um… Jackson Hewitt… E-File…

Amy Poehler: Okay! Okay! Thank you! Uh, so where did you end up going Jorge?

Jorge Rodriguez: Nowhere! My friend Pepe said he’d do it for me. So I collected all my receipts. (He pronounces the ‘p’ in receipts) Cuz he said that’s where the money is, receipts. I had them from McDonald’s… from Burger King… from Yack in the Box.

Amy Poehler: Yack in the Box? Yack in the box?

Jorge Rodriguez: Yack in the Box… Taco Bell… KFC… Del Taco… um… uh… Arby’s… What else do I like?

Amy Poehler: I don’t know uh… Fuddruckers?

Jorge Rodriguez: Excuse me!! I don’t go to no Fuddruckers!

Amy Poehler: How am I supposed to know?

Jorge Rodriguez: …Sounds nasty! But I do go to Popeye’s Chicken… uh… Chickie CoKaro’s…

Amy Poehler: Okay, Jorge, is fast food even deductible?

Jorge Rodriguez: No. Pepe lied man! And I gained a bunch of weight too… from all that fast food I ate. I had to go on a diet. I tried a lot of diets too. South Beach… I tried um… Atkins… Weight Wachers… Viewla Meal… um… uh… Slim Fast… Trim Spa… Jenny Craig… (He starts to list diets that aren’t even real) Jenny Jones… Lori Bolvige… but I couldn’t lose no weight!

Amy Poehler: Well okay Jorge, at least you got a nice tax return right?

Jorge Rodriguez: No! I got audited. Pepe lied again!

Amy Poehler: Okay, so why are you here, then?

Jorge Rodriguez: I’m looking for Pepe! Anybody seen him? I’m gonna get you, Pepe! When I see you, I’m gonna put my fist in your mouth, and open it up like an umbrella, smash out all your teeth. Your molars… your canines…

Amy Poehler: All right, thank you. Jorge Rodriguez, everyone!

Tina Fey: The Pittsburg Zoo and Aquarium plans to display the shell of a giant 22 pound lobster named Bubba who died just days after arriving there. To give you an idea of just how large Bubba was, it took a team of six marine biologists over two hours to eat him.

Amy Poehler: Psychologists are saying that teens today must face cyber-bullying, in which other teens can insult classmates through message boards, e-mail, and instant messaging. On the bright side, nerds can now hand over their lunch money using PayPal.

A Swedish company is marketing Nudie Jeans, a new brand of men’s blue jeans that never require washing, or as most guys call them jeans.

Tina Fey: A North Dakota man, who tried to walk 100 hours into Canada to see a girl he met over the internet, had to have all of his fingers and half of his toes amputated because of frostbite. Even worse, when he got there, the chick was fat!

Amy Poehler: For Weekend Update, I’m Amy Poehler.

Tina Fey: And I’m Tina Fey. Good night and have a pleasant tomorrow!

Submitted by: Margaret Edwards

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 14

04n: David Spade / Jack Johnson

Stunt Double

Vin Diesel…..Horatio Sanz
…..David Spade
Director…..Srth Meyers
Chrissy…..Amy Poehler
Assistant…..Rachel Dratch

[ open on tight shot, Vin Diesel and David Spade standing on a ledge ]

Vin Dielsel: All right. We got 15 seconds to climb this building before a wrecking crew knocks it down.

David Spade: How do I let you talk me into these things?

Vin Dielsel: I’ll swing in and grab the Stavros Diamond. You dismantle the explosives.

David Spade: I should have gone to Law school.

Vin Dielsel: Let’s do this.

David Spade: [ points ] Zippity doo-dah, mother humpers!

Director: And cut! [ enters scene now revealed as a movie set ] Whoo! Fantastic work, Vin Diesel. I can tell why you make the big money. David spade, good.

David Spade: Hey, Paul, listen. That zippity doo-dah line sound natural to you?

Director: As natural as the day I wrote it.

David Spade: Ah, right. Yeah, you wrote it. We’re executing your vision.

Director: So we’re coming up to the wrecking ball shot, why don’t you guys take a break and, David, I’ll call in your stunt double. Chris?

[ a shorter woman dressed exactly like David, complete with moustache, enters the set ]

Chrissy: Yeah, hey. Hey, how you doin’, David.

David Spade: Hi.

Director: How you doing, Chris?

Chrissy: [ to David ] I guess I’m gonna be taking a wrecking ball for you today.

David Spade: Hey, nice to meet you. Hey, Paul, can I talk to you?

Director: Yeah, sure.

David Spade: Is it weird that my stunt double’s a chick?

Director: Well, David, she is a perfect physical match. And she’s a pro.

Chrissy: Yeah, David, let me reassure you, I’ve had a lot of experience. You know, I was a stunt double on “war of the worlds,” with Dakota Fanning. And I’ve done both the Olsen twins.

David Spade: Yeah, me, too. What? I’m kidding.

Chrissy: I’ve doubled guys before. You know that Aaron Carter basketball video? That’s me dunking those basketballs.

Vin Dielsel: Really? I thought that was Aaron Carter.

Chrissy: Thank you, Vin Diesel. Don’t worry, David, I’ll make you look good.

David Spade: Yeah.

Vin Dielsel: I do all my stunts.

David Spade: Yeah, great. Who does your acting?

Vin Dielsel: I do.

Director: All right, guys, we’re ready for you. So, David, you’ll say your line, then we’ll cut to Vin. Chrissy, you jump in and you take the wrecking ball. All right.

[ Assistant enters shot with clap board in hand ]

Assistant: “Lethal Blood: Curse of the Stavros Diamond 2, Revenge of the Diamonds,” scene 316, take one. [ exits scene ]

Director: Action!

[ close-up of movie scene on ledge ]

Vin Dielsel: I’ll get the Diamond. You dismantle the explosives.

David Spade: I should have gone to Law school.

Vin Dielsel: Let’s do this!

David Spade: [ points ] Zippity doo-dah, mother humpers!

Director: Cut to Vin!

[ closer shot of just Vin Diesel ]

Vin Dielsel: Look out!

[ zoom out on wider shot to reveal Chrissy next to Vin, as the wrecking ball bounces off her side ]

Chrissy: No! Yikes. Ow! [ stumbles and falls ]

Director: And, cut! Yes!

Chrissy: Felt good.

Director: That was awesome, Chrissy! Great work.

David Spade: Hey, Hey, buddy, buddy, buddy. Can I have a word with you?

Director: Absolutely.

David Spade: Are we going to loop that scream, dude? I mean, sounded totally girlie to me.

Director: Okay, I didn’t notice. But, Chrissy, Chrissy, um.. we need a little less on the scream, all right?

Chrissy: Okay, okay. So not the way you told me David would do it?

Director: What’s that? [ laughs nervously ] Let’s just do it again.

Chrissy: Okay. I’m going to try some new stuff, Paul.

Director: All right, have at it.

David Spade: Hey, Paul, can I play around with that “zippity doo-dah” Line a little bit?

Director: Absolutely not.

[ Assistant enters shot with clap board in hand ]

Assistant: “Lethal Blood, the Curse of the Stavros Diamond 2: Revenge of the Diamonds,” Scene 316, take two. [ exits scene ]

Director: Action!

[ close-up of movie scene on ledge ]

Vin Dielsel: Let’s do this!

David Spade: Zippity doo-dah, mother humpers!

[ closer shot of just Vin Diesel ]

Vin Dielsel: Look out!

[ zoom out on wider shot to reveal Chrissy next to Vin, as she jumps onto the wrecking ball ]

Chrissy: Oh! Whee-ee-ee-ee!!! [ swings on wrecking ball with legs outstretched ] Hooray! I’m David Spade! Whoo-hoo-hoo!

Director: [ jumps into the scene, excited ] Yes! Yes! That my friend, is a trailer moment.

Chrissy: All right. I’m going to take a break to regroup, Paul.

Director: Best in the biz, Chrissy.

David Spade: Dude, dude, that is not how I’d act at all!

Director: Really? It kinda is. I mean, look, that was hilarious, and you are the comic relief in this movie.

David Spade: Paul, she’s got a camel toe, all right? I don’t want people thinking I got a camel toe! I got enough problems with them confusing me for the dude from “Queer Eye.”

Director: Carson? I love Carson. You know, he turned your part down.

Vin Dielsel: That’s why I do all my own stunts. You know, in “The Chronicles of Riddick,” I fought fire monsters.

David Spade: Yes, I know, Vin. We all read that in “Who Cares?” Magazine.

Vin Dielsel: What? [ ambles away ]

Director: I love that I get to work with that guy! He’s good. David, do you want to do the stunt yourself?

David Spade: Look, I would, but, I told you — in “Joe Dirt,” this extra dropped a big bottle of Pepsi on my foot, and then my toenail turned black and I gave up stunts from then on, you know?

Director: All right, you know what, fine. Let’s just take a break. Chrissy needs a few minutes to nurse her baby, anyway. So —

[ David walks over to Chrissy, who holds up a baby up to her bosum ]

David Spade: Hey, who’s this little guy?

Chrissy: oh. Jake.

David Spade: Jake have a daddy? Or can anyone apply for the job?

Chrissy: Are you hitting on me?

David Spade: [ considers the question ] I think I am. Seeing a female double of myself nursing a baby has given me an unexpected chub.

Chrissy: Let me tell you the same thing I told Elijah Wood: Yes. I’ll meet you in your trailer in fifteen minutes.

David Spade: Nice. [ points to the camera ] Zippity doo dah, mother humpers! [ exits a quick stage right ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 14

04n: David Spade / Jack Johnson

CNN News Report

Daryn Kagan…..Amy Poehler
Rick Sanchez…..Rob Riggle
Presenter…..Rachel Dratch
Martha Stewart…..David Spade
Employee…..Maya Rudolph

[ open on CNN graphic ]

[ dissolve to anchors Daryn Kagan and Rick Sanchez at the desk ]

Daryn Kagan: Welcome back to CNN. I’m Daryn Kagen.

Rick Sanchez: And I’m Rick Sanchez.

Daryn Kagan: In just a moment, we’ll be going live to the Living Omnimedia offices in Manhattan, where Martha Stewart will address her employees for the first time since her release.

[ SUPER: “Stewart Release: Martha Returns to Work” ]

Rick Sanchez: While most of us get the Monday blues when going back to work, Martha Stewart is one lady who’s just happy to be out of those prison grays.

Daryn Kagan: You gonna do that joke at the top of every hour?

Rick Sanchez: Yes, ma’am.

Daryn Kagan: Those who know Martha say her prison term has changed her. That in her five-month stay at Alderson, it shifted her priorities and broadened her outlook on the world.

Rick Sanchez: Take it from me, prison will do that to you.

Daryn Kagan: What do you know about prison, Rick?

Rick Sanchez: Not a thing. I just like to hear myself talk. [ smiles wide ]

Daryn Kagan: You are an idiot.

Rick Sanchez: Your boyfriend is Rush Limbaugh.

Daryn Kagan: All right, that’s private.

Rick Sanchez: You see Rush Limbaugh naked – and you like it.

Daryn Kagan: stop it! [ a beat ] We go now, live, to Omnimedia’s Manhattan headquarters.

[ dissolve to interior, Living Omnimedia ]

Presenter: My fellow employees, it gives me great pleasure to say, “Welcome home, Martha!”

[ Martha enters wearing a homemade poncho and blowing smoke from a cigarette ]

[ SUPER: “Stewart Release: Martha Addresses Employees” ]

Martha Stewart: Settle down. Settle down, nerds! Let’s not shoot our Wad at the top of the meeting here, huh? [ hands her cigarette over ] You hold that for me, baby? You’re sweet, are you new? I like your hair. Stay after.

First things first: I want to thank my block mate and dear friend, Latrice Gibbons, for crocheting me this poncho. [ Crowd awws ] I promised Latrice that when she gets out she can be Craft Editor at “Martha Stewart Living.” [ Crowd oohs ] I’m just messing with you. Latrice is never getting out. She drowned her kids. Anyway —

Presenter: Well, Martha, on behalf of the whole staff —

[ an employee steps behind Martha, holding a plate of cookies ]

Martha Stewart: Who’s that?! [ grabs employee and menacing holds a spoon up to her face ]

Employee: Hey!

Martha Stewart: Whoa! Baby, baby! Don’t you sneak up on me. I’ll cut you, bitch! I’ll cut you!

Employee: [ frightened ] Don’t cut me!

Martha Stewart: Who sent you? T.T.? Huh? I’ll cut you both! [ releases grip from employee ]

Presenter: Martha, we just baked you a basket of your favorite almond-laced cookies from your grandmother’s recipe, that’s all.

Martha Stewart: Oh. You know, I’m not even into those anymore.

Presenter: Huh?

Martha Stewart: Yeah, they had these things at Alderson’s called Chips Ahoy. Not too shabby. I was like, “where are these from?” And the guy goes, “They’re from the store.” Turns out a lot of this crap we make, you can get it at the store. So I think we can let this whole recipe thing slide for a little while.

[ an employee faints at the sound of this ]

Martha Stewart: Anyway, order of business number two: while on house arrest, I can only work 48 hours a week. Once my house arrest is over, it will be 12 hours a week. Life’s too short. I’m talking to you, lady in charge of dried flowers. Get a life.

Number three: I’m going to need a new office that faces Mecca. I’ll explain that one later.

Number four: I’m gonna stop being such a stone-cold mega-bitch all the time.

[ SUPER: “Stewart to Employees: I’ll Stop Being A Mega-Bitch” ]

Number five” I’m changing my catch phrase from “It’s a good thing” to “It’s all good.”

And, number six: I challenge anyone here to a hard-boiled egg eating contest. Huh? [ points ] You, raincoat? I knew you wouldn’t.

And, number seven: “Live, from New York, it’s “Saturday night!”

[ SUPER: “Live From New York, It’s Saturday Night” ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 14

04n: David Spade / Jack Johnson

Sean Penn’s Celebrity Roast

Written by: Joe Kelly

Sean Penn…..Seth Meyers
Bernie Mac…..Kenan Thompson
Shucky Ducky…..Finesse Mitchell
Bea Arthur…..Tina Fey
Larry the cable guy…..Rob Riggle
George Carlin…..Fred Armisen
Rita Rudner…..Rachel Dratch
Owen Wilson…..David Spade
B-Ball and Roscoe…..Will Forte
Clint Eastwood…..Darrell Hammond

(Opens with the Los Angeles skyline, fanfare music andthe Sean Penn’s Celebrity Roast logo with Sean’ssourpuss looking face in the middle of it)

Announcer: Live from Hollywood, California. Welcome toSean Penn’s Celebrity Roast with your host Sean Penn.Sean welcomes celebrity roasters Bernie Mac, GeorgeCarlin, Rita Rudner, Larry the Cable Guy, JeffreyRoss, Bea Arthur, Shucky Ducky, Jeremy Irons, B-Balland Roscoe, Ben Stiller and Owen Wilson and in the hotseat tonight our honoree, 2 time Academy Award WinnerClint Eastwood. (Cut to live transmision of the event,Clint smiles, applause) And now here’s your roastmaster Sean Penn.(Sean slowly walks up to the podiumwith a a gloomy, sad look on his face)

Sean Penn: Thank you and welcome to Sean Penn’sCelebrity Roast. Tonight we honor Mr. Clint Eastwood.And I hope the barbs and jests you endure are asenduring as the work you have blessed us with over theyears. Now let’s bring out our first roaster BernieMac, a man so black…

Shucky Ducky: HA,HA! HOW BLACK IS HE?!!!

Sean: He is so black he has suffered 400 years of thiscountry’s racism and injustice. And for this Mr. Mac,I apologize.

(Some confused looks from Shucky Ducky and Bernie,Bernie steps up to the podium, Sean sits down)

Bernie Mac: What’s up, Hollywood!! Ha,ha! ClintEastwood…man just won an Oscar. “Million DollarBaby” Ha! I ain’t gonna lie to you Hollywood, I didn’tlike that movie. It wasn’t believable. Ain’t no whitegirl gonna be that good a boxer. Ha,ha! “MillionDollar Baby”? They should’ve have Lil’Kim up in there,call it “20 Dollar Ho'” Ha,ha,ha! ok, seriouslythough, I got to ask a question about Clint Eastwood.How old is this man? Clint’s so old his first moviewas drawn on the wall of a cave Ha,ha,ha! It wasdirected by Moses! Ha,ha,ha! Do you hear me Hollywood?This is an old ass sommammabitch!! I’m out!

(Applause, Bernie leaves, Sean arrives at the podiumand goes after Bernie Mac)

Sean: Forgive my compromise sense of humor but I didwanna answer our roaster’s question about how old Mr.Eastwood is. He is exactly as old as the timelessnessof his work.

(Bernie is quite uncomfortable, fixes his tie)

Bernie: It was a joke, Sean Penn.

Sean: What wasn’t a joke was Hillary Swank’s trainingand dedication that made her performance not onlybelievable but unforgettable.

Clint Eastwood: Hey, kid relax here. It’s just aroast.

(Sean loooks him dead in his eye, serious as a hell)

Sean: Our next roaster, George Carlin, has been doingcomedy for some long…

Shucky Ducky: How long has….

Sean: So long that when he walks into a club theyounger comics say, “Thank you, you have been aninspiration to us.” George Carlin.

(Sean leaves podium, sits, George already mic on handstruts up to the podium)

George Carlin: A lot of people talking about ClintEastwood…making movies “Go ahead, make my day” Howwould he make you a day? I can make you a sandwich butI can’t make you a day. “You want lettuce with thatday?” (long pause)Names-a lot of people talking aboutnames…(another pause)What kind of a name is Clint?”Hi. I’m Clint” What’s your wife’s name? “Brunch!”Hey, Clint I got a name for you…Douchebag! Have a niceday!

(Applause, George leaves podium, Sean gets upobviously annoyed)

Sean: I’m not even gonna dignify that with a response.Our next presenter was in the film Shangai Knightswith Jackie Chan. I saw that movie and let me tellyou, there’s 2 hours of my life that I’ll cherishforever. Thank you. Owen Wilson. (Sean leaves, Owensteps up)

Owen Wilson: Hey, what’s going on? How is it goingClint? Celebrity Roast Clint Eastwood, there’s noreason this shouldn’t be fun. Anyway, like Bernie Macwas saying Clint, you’re old man. You’re old. Clint’sface is so wrinkly that when I walked in the room andI saw you I said “Who dressed my ball sack in atuxedo?”(Clint spits his drink and laughs, close up onSean Penn’s face fuming)It’s weird, man. It’s weird.What’s going on with Dirty Harry? I have to say I wasa little dissapointed when I found out the movie wasabout a police officer. Back in Texas we all know whata Dirty Harry is. That’s when you take a girl home andyou(Bleep, while Owen points to his upper lip underhis horrendous nose)…and you leave her cabfare.(Owen pats a smiling Clint in the back, close upon Sean’s face his lower lip is quivering)Now ifyou’ll excuse me they want me to shave Bea Arthur’schest.

(Close up on Bea’s face, she frowns and signal no withher finger, holds a drink. Owen leaves, Sean steps upagain)

Sean: Please forgive my clinical absence of joy butmaybe I missed what this roast was all about.

Bernie Mac: Damn skippy! Damn skippy!

Shucky Ducky: You got that right!

Larry the cable guy: For Christ sakes!! You wereSpicoli!!!

(Sean looks at Larry with hate in his eyes)

Sean: Did anyone prepare something nice to say aboutthis man? Anyone? Rita Rudner?

Rita Rudner: This roast is as enjoyable as the time Itried to make love to my husband during the SuperBowl.

(Sean is losing it)

Sean: B-Ball and Roscoe?

B-Ball and Roscoe: Um, Sorry we mostly have fartjokes. Pfffffftttt!!!!(Through puppet)”Excuse me!”

Sean: Shucky Ducky?

Shucky Ducky: Shucky Ducky! Quack!Quack!Hahaha!!

(Sean closes his eyes trying to control his anger)

Sean: I’ll take that as a “no”. Please join me nextweek when I will be entertaining our troops in Irakwith Tim Robbins, Jeanene Garofalo and Michael Moore.Good night. And how dare you!

(Fanfare music and the event’s logo appears again withthe officially depressed Sean Penn’s face on it)

(Cheers and applause)

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 14


Song appears
on the album:

04n: David Spade / Jack Johnson

Jack Johnson featuring G. Love perform “Mudfootball”

…..David Spade
…..Jack Johnson

David Spade: Ladies and gentlemen – Jack Johnson, featuring G. Love!

Jack Johnson, featuring G. Love:
“Saturday morning and it’s time to go
One day these could be the days but who could have known
Loading in the back of a pickup truck
Riding with the boys and pushing the luck
Singing songs loud on the way to the game
Wishing all the things could still be the same
Chinese homeruns over the backstop
Kakua on the ball and soda pop

Well… we used to laugh a lot
But only because we thought
That everything good always would remain
Nothing gonna change, there’s no need to complain

Sunday morning and it’s time to go
Been raining all night so everybody know
Over to the field for tackle football
Big hits, big hats, yeah give me the ball
Rain is pouring, touchdown scoring
Keep on rolling, never boring
Karma, karma, karma chameleon
We’re talking kinda funny from helium

Well, we used to laugh a lot
But only because we thought
That everything good always would remain
Nothing gonna change, there’s no need to complain

[ break ]

Monday morning and it’s time to go
Wet trunks and schoolbooks and sand on my toes
Do anything you can to dodge the bus-stop blues
Like driving a padiddle with a burnt-out fuse
My best friend Kimi wants to go with you
So meet her by the sugar mill after school
My best friend Kimi wants to go with you
So meet her by the sugar mill after school

And.. we used to laugh a lot
But only because we thought
That everything good always would remain

We used to laugh a lot
But only because we thought
That everything good always would
Everything good always would remain.”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 14

04n: David Spade / Jack Johnson

Goodnights

…..David Spade

David Spade: Thanks to Jack Johnson and G-Love! Thanks to the cast and crew for being so cool to me. And the writers. B.C., hope you get well soon. Thank you, Lorne. Thanks, you guys!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 14

04n: David Spade / Jack Johnson

Dirtball and Burnout Convention

Spokesman…..David Spade
Tan or Grime Guys…..Will Forte, Rob Riggle, Seth Meyers
Spook Peterson…..Fred Armisen
Yvonne Shirley…..Tina Fey
Bong Girl…..Rachel Dratch
Randy Doneen…..Horatio Sanz
Skeeter…..Darrell Hammond

[ open on Spokesman standing in front of the Bakken-Camacho Convention Center ]

Spokesman: what’s crappenin’? It’s time, once again, for the annual Dirtball and Burnout Convention, this Friday and Saturday and Sunday night at the Bakken-Camacho Convention Center. If you are a dirtball, a burnout, or just someone interested in the burnout lifestyle, then this show is for you.

[ Dirtball and Burnout Convention logo zooms across the screen ]

It’s all here, man: “Back Off” mud flaps featuring Yosemite Sam hisself. [ holds one up ] We gots ’em. And Levi jackets with the fake sheepskin inside? [ holds one up ] Check mark. Beer cozies from around the country and/or world? [ holds one up ] You came to the right place. How about a little of that Lowenbrau keg? Top me off. That’s right. And you won’t want to miss the “Is That a Tan or Just Grime?” contest.

[ cut to three burnout dudes standing in line with their tan/grime lines exposed ]

Sometimes you can’t tell – at least, the chicks I date. That’s the fun. Pick up your free M-80’s for the kids. [ holds up a bowlful of fireworks ] And see a special appearance by Spook Peterson, the first beer league softball player ever to wear his cut-off jean shorts so short that his inner front pocket hangs out the front, just barely concealing his nuggets.

[ cut to Spook Peterson, wearing his short cut-off jean shorts ]

Spook Peterson: I’ll be there! [ lifts up his leg, revealing pixellated nuggets ]

[ cut back to Spokesman ]

Spokesman: Yikes! Visit the “Shoot Shotgun Pellets to a Road Sign” booth. [ holds up a Stop sign covered with holes ] That one’s fun for the entire family. And try your luck at out-ashing the world’s long-ash champion, Yvonne Shirley.

[ cut to Yvonne, holding a cigarette made almost entirely out of the ash ]

Yvonne Shirley: Bring it on, suckers.

[ cut back to Spokesman ]

Spokesman: I won’t take that bet. She’s good. And If you’re tweaking out on meth, that’s no prob – just visit the tweak hut. So you can go like this.. [ bounces around sporadically ] ..just like those guys who look like Bugs Bunny hanging out in front of El Pollo Loco on Crescent Heights. And you won’t want to miss the homemade bong gallery.

[ cut to the Bong Girl, surrounded by an assortment of bongs ]

Bong Girl: I made this one myself, out of an STP oil treatment can, a squirrel’s elbow bone, and a pack of Trident Ice I chewed myself.

[ cut back to Spokesman ]

Spokesman: Right arm! [ flexes his right arm ] Plus, you won’t want to miss a special performance by Kid Rock.. ‘s former roadie applicant-turned-tambourine player, Randy Doneen.

[ cut to Randy, wailing away on his tambourine ]

[ cut back to Spokesman ]

Spokesman: Get down on it, Randy. Pet untrained, dangerous dogs on various subpar leashes. And say Hi to four-time arrestee from TV’s “COPS,” Skeeter.

[ cut to Skeeter ]

Skeeter: What’s up, sons of bitches? I’m gonna teach your kids how to open a beer with a Bic lighter. [ makes two unsuccessful attempts to do so, before ad-libbing: ] Some other time.

[ cut back to Spokesman ]

Spokesman: That’s a good one to have on a resume, for sure. It’s all crappenin’ at the Dirtball/Burnout Convention. Be there!

[ all of the dirtballs and burnouts seen in the previews surround the spokesman ]

All: We will!!

Spokesman: Seriously, who farted?

[ cut to Dirtball and Burnout Convention logo ]

Announcer: Dirtball and Burnout Convention, this Friday, Saturday and Sunday, at the Bakken-Camacho Convention Center, just off Route 9, right next to that place where they put the dogs to sleep.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 14

04n: David Spade / Jack Johnson

Deaf Judge

Deaf Judge…..Seth Meyers
Doctor…..Chris Parnell
Defense…..Rachel Dratch
Proecution…..Will Forte
Idiot Doctor…..David Spade

[ open on opening montage from “Blind Justice” ]

[ dissolve to the judge sitting with his doctor ]

Announcer: From the makers of “Blind Justice”, comes a new drama. About overcoming the odds, and living your dream.

Deaf Judge: I graduated at the top of my class at Harvard Law. I was the youngest circuit judge in the history of New York State. Are you telling me that I can’t be a judge anymore, just because I lost my hearing?

Doctor: [ solemnly ] I’m afraid so.

Deaf Judge: What?

Doctor: [ louder ] I’m afraid so!

Deaf Judge: Yeah, I can’t hear you!

[ freeze-frame with title ]

Announcer: “Deaf Judge.” Just because he’s deaf, doesn’t mean he’s not listening.

[ dissolve to courtroom scene, Prosecution and Defense standing before the Judge’s bench ]

Defense: Objection, Your Honor. He is badgering the witness.

Deaf Judge: What?

Defense: Objection.

Deaf Judge: Hey! I’m deaf. I can’t hear you.

Prosecution: Shouldn’t you learn to read lips?

Deaf Judge: [ looks at Prosecution curiously ] Read “mips”? That doesn’t make any sense.

[ show still shots from “Blind Justice” and “Deaf Judge” ]

Announcer: Also coming this Fall, from the makers of “Blind Justice” and “Deaf Judge”, comes television’s most gripping new drama.

[ dissolve to Idiot Doctor, dressed in scrubs with his tongue hanging out ]

Announcer: A massive head injury left him with the faculties of a four-year old child. The “Idiot Doctor.”

[ freeze frame, with title ]

[ dissolve to a scene: Idiot Doctor wearing a Goofy hat while performing surgery ]

Idiot Doctor: Scalpel.

[ a scalpel is handed to him; he glances at it ]

Idiot Doctor: Ice cream.

[ an ice cream cone is held before him; he takes a bite from it ]

Idiot Doctor: Motorboat.

[ life alert beeps; the patient has died ]

Idiot Doctor: [ distraught ] Mo-tor-boat!!

Announcer: They used to call him Stupid. Now, they call him Doctor Stupid. This Fall, on ABC!

[ dissolve ot ABC logo ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 14

04n: David Spade / Jack Johnson

Holding Cell

Andrew…..Rob Riggle
Female Cop…..Amy Poehler
Male Cop…..Kenan Thompson
Spider…..David Spade

[ open on a close-up on the interior bars of a holding cell, as Male and Female Cop drag Andrew into the cell ]

Andrew: You don’t understand. It’s my car! I’m the one who reported it stolen, but then it was recovered!

Female Cop: Well, I’m sure your story will check out, but, unfortunately, our computer still lists it as stolen.

Male Cop: Look, just sit tight, alright, for an hour, okay? We’ll clear this up.

[ the Cops close the cell door and exit scene ]

[ exasperated, Andrew sits on a bench across from an inmate reading a magazine ]

Andrew: This is just great!

Spider: What happened?

Andrew: Well, last year, my car – it got stolen, right? But then, uh, they recovered it a week later. And, tonight, they pulled me over, saying it was listed as stolen, but it’s not! It’s my car!

Spider: [ chuckles, then stops ] Oh. You’re innocent. Oh, yeah.

Andrew: What are you in here for?

Spider: This time? They say I was scalpin’ tickets outside of a Chick Corea. But, like you, I’m “innocent.”

Andrew: I am innocent!

Spider: So, what’s your name, kid?

Andrew: Andrew.

Spider: [ reflective ] Andrew.. You know, the other.. the other guys call me “Spider.”

Andrew: [ looks around the cell, confused ] What other guys?

Spider: The other cons. After a while — [ purses his lips ] maybe you’ll get a little nickname. how about that?

Andrew: I don’t want a nickname, alright? I just want to get out of here.

Spider: [ sighs ] First time in the joint?

Andrew: The joint? This is a holding cell in Sherman Oaks!

Spider: Welome to Hell, kid! A bew fish like you, you’d get eaten up in a second! But, don’t you worry – Daddy gonna take care of you. [ stands, casually saunters toward Andrew ] Here come the Spider. Spider comin’ over..

Andrew: What are you doin’?

Spider: I’m turning’ you out, boy?

Andrew: You’re doing what?!

Spider: I’m turnin’ you out, makin’ you my little girlfriend. [ singing ] “We goin’ to the chapel, and we gonna get married..” [ grabs a hold of Andrew ]

Andrew: [ pushing Spider away ] Hey, well, don’t do that, alright!

Spider: [ grabs Andrew some more ] Spider’s gonna put you in a sleeper hold, and, when you wake up, we gonna be man and wife! Start likin’ it!

Andrew: Get your hands off me!

[ Andrew shoves Spider back to the bench on the opposite side of the cell ]

Spider: Oh, you’re a big boy, aren’tcha? [ chuckles ] Strong, tougher than I thought. Spider gonna regroup a little bit, take a breather. By the way, I used to be involved in a little bone-smuggling ring. [ chuckles ] You might get dem smuggler’s blues!

Andrew: I don’t think so, pal.

Spider: [ slowly rises ] Uh-oh. What’s goin’ on? [ starts creeping toward Andrew again ] Spider comin’ back. Here come Spider. What’s he doin’? Comin’ to getcha! We can do this the hard way, or we can do this the easy way — [ grabs a hold of Andrew ]

Andrew: [ resisting ] Hey, we’re not doing this at all!

Spider: I like when the little punk bitch fights back! It makes it all the better!

Andrew: Alright, okay, alright, that’s it!

[ Andrew picks spider up and throws him back onto his side of the cell, briefly shaking part of the sketch set ]

Andrew: Now, just sit there, alright?!

Spider: Yeah —

Andrew: Don’t make me hurt you!

Spider: I give. Uncle! I get it, you’re no stranger to the system. Hey, man – a guy wins, he wins. [ rises, walks toward Andrew while unbuckling his pants ] I guess you’re the man in the relationship – let’s have at it! [ drops his pants and turns his hind toward Andrew ]

Andrew: [ flabbergasted ] What?! Hey! Put your pants on!

Spider: I’m your bitch! Let’s do it!

Andrew: Hey, no! I’m not into men, alright?

Spider: This ain’t about sex, it’s about power. Go on, get in there.

Andrew: Alright, alright.. [ calls out ] Guard! Guard!

Spider: [ quickly puts his pants back on and sits on his bench ] What?! Come on, kid, be cool! Don’t call the guard! You’re asking for trouble, man.

Andrew: Why?

Spider: ‘Cause you get labeled a snitch, man, and you never make it out the big house.

Andrew: Again – we’re in a holding cell in Sherman Oaks!

Spider: Whether it’s Sing Sing, or Sherman Oaks.. out in the yard, nobody likes a snitch!

Andrew: Would you just go over there, and shut up, please?

Spider: Fine. It’s time to do my curls, anyway.

[ Spider picks up a single-pound weight and proceeds to do his curls. After a couple of curls, he breaks into tears. ]

Andrew: What’s wrong?

Spider: [ crying ] Nothing.

Andrew: You okay?

Spider: [ crying ] It’s just.. when we first hooked up —

Andrew: We did not hook up!

Spider: — it was all physical for me. I mean, at the beginning, it was just two men satisfying our natural urges —

Andrew: Nothing happened!!

Spider: — But, somewhere along the line, I fell in love! I knew I shouldn’t. Stu-pid! I can’t help it now. I love you, Andrew.. I love you. [ rises ]

Andrew: Don’t even get up. No! Hey! If you come over here, I’m gonna kick your ass!

Spider: Ooh, speaking of ass – are you reconsidering? [ reaches for his zipper as he turns around ]

Andrew: NO!!

Spider: Ain’t no win.

[ Male Cop opens the cell door ]

Male Cop:

Spider: Nobody here by that name!

Male Cop: I’m sorry. I meant “Spider.”

Spider: Here!

Male Cop: You’re free to go.

Spider: [ purses his lips ] Ohhh. That’s right, Boss-Man.. ain’t no big house can keep me in there.

Male Cop: Actually, your mom put up the $30 bail.

Spider: [ a beat ] That was sweet of her.

Andrew: Well.. thank God that’s over with.

[ Andrew grabs Spider’s magazine to read, as the scene fades ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 14


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:

Bit Players:
March 12th, 2005

David Spade

Jack Johnson

None

G. Love

Liz Cackowski

John Lutz

JB Smoove

Paula Pell
CNN News ReportSummary: Martha Stewart (David Spade) is out of jail and back at work, and her staff is frightened for their lives.

Recurring Characters: Martha Stewart.

Transcript

David Spade’s MonologueSummary: Audience members question David Spade about his Capitol One commercials.

Recurring Characters: Terrell, Terrell’s Wife.

Artsy HouseSummary: Nuni (Fred Armisen) and Nuni (Maya Rudolph) show off the weird decor in their ski home.

Recurring Characters: Nuni, Nuni, Tato.

Deaf JudgeSummary: The new ABC drama features a judge (Seth Meyers) who has no sense of hearing. Also coming to ABC next Fall: “Idiot Doctor” (David Spade).

Transcript

Stunt DoubleSummary: While filming a new action-comedy with Vin Diesel (Horatio Sanz), David Spade learns that his stunt double is a woman (Amy Poehler) who portrays him in an effeminate manner.

Transcript

WoombaSummary: The self-operating electronic feminine hygeine product that knows best when a woman should be using it.

Note: Repeat from 04h.

Holding CellSummary: After being wrongfully jailed, Andrew (Rob Riggle) shares a cell with Spider (David Spade), an obnoxious inmate who talks the talk but never quite walks the walk.

Transcript

Jack Johnson performs “Sitting, Waiting, Wishing”Bio: Jack Johnson (1975-). Singer-songwriter; former champion surfer who began writing songs while a film student at the University of California.

Weekend Update with Tina Fey & Amy PoehlerSummary: Amy gives the hip-hop report, while Tina tries to shoot her. Jorge Rodriguez (Horatio Sanz) rambles on about income taxes without ever getting to the point.

Recurring Characters: Jorge Rodriguez.

Transcript

Sean Penn’s Celebrity RoastSummary: Sean Penn (Seth Meyers) hosts a roast for Clint Eastwood (Darrell Hammond), but is too much of a sourpuss to see the humor in comedians’ remarks about the legendary actor.

Recurring Characters: Sean Penn, Clint Eastwood, Bea Arthur.

Transcript

UPS GuySummary: A UPS delivery guy (David Spade) makes awkward banter with an office receptionist (Rachel Dratch) until he works up the nerve to ask her out. Things become more and more awkward after she turns him down.

Transcript

Jingle SingersSummary: A crowd has gathered for a reception performed by C.C. (Maya Rudolph) and Roger Barry (David Spade), a show-biz couple who specialize in commercial jingles.

Bear CitySummary: In a pinch, a bear uses the handicapped toilet, only to be confronted by a bear in a wheelchair.

Note: This short film was cut from the dress rehearsals of the episodes hosted by Colin Farrell, Topher Grace, and Paul Giamatti.

Jack Johnson, featuring G. Love perform “Mudfootball”Bio: G. Love (1972-). Musician; real name: Garrett Dutton III; fronts the band G. Love & Special Sauce.

Lyrics

Dirtball and Burnout ConventionSummary: Dirtballs and burnouts will get together this weekend for rowdy fun and hijinks.

Recurring Characters: Skeeter.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

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Dress Rehearsal Cuts

Record DealSummary: Wanna-be musicians (Maya Rdolph, Kenan Thompson, Finnesse Mitchell) try to secure a record deal.

Bridal ShowerSummary: A bridal shower gets out of hand when a pair of male strippers (Horatio Sanz, David Spade) show up dressed like Spiderman.

The Upskirt ReportSummary: Field reporters (Seth Meyers, Chris Parnell) look up ladies’ skirts.

Mysterious PhenomenaSummary: A would-be psychic’s (Fred Armisen) predictions for the future consistently turn out to be wrong.

Bear CitySummary: A bear joins a garage rock band.

SNL Transcripts