SNL Tonight

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 15

04o: Ashton Kutcher / Gwen Stefani

Oprah

Oprah….Maya Rudolph
Rhonda Rogan….Rachel Dratch
John Travolta….Darrell Hammond
Julia Roberts….Ashton Kutcher
Overexcited fan….Amy Poehler

[Opens with Oprah’s logo. Women cheer wildly. Cut to Oprah’s TV studio set program. She is sitting in her chair and a plain looking woman sits next to her.]

Oprah: All right, all right. Sit down, thank you.[Cheering continues] OK, sit down, thank you. All right, OK.[ Standing women cheer and clap. One blond overexcited fan is right up front] All right, sit your asses down.[The women calm themselves a bit] Today on the Oprah show we’re continuing our ten-week series on human tragedy.

All: Awwww.[The women sit down]

Oprah: Yeah, fires. Everything you own, gone in an instant. Today, we are speaking with the survivor of a devastating fire. Please welcome, Rhonda Rogan.

All: Awww.

Oprah: Rhonda, you are a true survivor. You suffered a great loss when your home burned down last winter.

[Oprah puts her fist on her chin, elbow suspended on mid-air looking into Rhonda’s eyes]

Rhonda: Yes, well, Oprah umm, 2 days after Christmas I lost my home and all my belongings in a fire.

All: Awwww.

Overexcited Fan: Oh, that’s so sad. That’s sad.

Rhonda: I was fixing my hair for a job interview and I really needed that job.

All: Awwww.

Overexcited Fan: She needed that job!

Rhonda: And I dropped my curling iron and it ignited a beanbag chair.

Overexcited Fan: Oh, oh! Oh, Oprah! Oh, Oprah!

Rhonda: [emotional] I don’t know what I’m gonna do because I lost everything.

[Oprah puts a hand on Rhonda’s thigh]

Oprah: Well, we have a very special surprise for you Rhonda Rogan.

Rhonda: Oh, my God.

Oprah: Yeah, John Travolta!! Whoo!!

[Misirlou from Pulp Fiction plays. John comes out dancing, high five’s Oprah, hugs her. Women cheer madly]

John Travolta: Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Can we talk about this one?[points at Oprah] Will you look at her? Oh baby, you turned 50 but you’re sexier than ever.

Oprah: Oh, come here, you.[Oprah jumps up on John and dry humps him. Rhonda is confused and uncomfortable] I love you, I love you.[John puts her down]

John Travolta: God, I love you.

[Women scream like crazy]

Overexcited Fan: Oh my God! Oprah and John Travolta really love each other!! Ah!!

[Oprah and John sit. Confused Rhonda is in the middle]

John Travolta: Well, well darling. I was thinking about you. I was really thinking about you a lot. And you are my best friend Frey-Frey.

Overexcited Fan: Oh, whooo!!!

Oprah: You.[points]You are my best friend Travovo.[John and Oprah hold hands right across Rhonda’s face]

John Travolta: Oh, my God. I love you.

Overexcited Fan: Good God!!

All: Awwww.

Oprah: [turns to Rhonda] Rhonda, tell John Travolta your story.

Rhonda: Well, um, last Christmas my house burned down.

John Travolta: Oh, my God. You are so brave.

Rhonda: Yeah, and um, all my belongings, all my memories were lost.

John Travolta: [ emotional] I know exactly how it feels to be in a fire. Because I was in “Ladder 49” which is about fires.[cries]

Oprah: Yeah, I know. Come here, baby. Come here. Come on momma’s lap.

[John sits on Oprah’s lap and cries]

Oprah: Aww, its ok, its ok baby Travovo. All right, you just go ahead and cry it on out. Rhonda, go ahead he’s gonna be OK.

Rhonda: [confused] Oh, um well, we lost our entire house, Oprah. I mean everything. We’re living in a shelter right now.

Oprah: OK, well, we have another surprise for you Rhonda Rogan. It’s my best friend Julia Roberts!! And her twin babies!!

[Roy Orbison’s Pretty Woman plays. Women scream like banshees. Julia holds her twins and has an wide-open mouth of a smile on her face. She also holds a bag for her baby stuff.]

Overexcited Fan: OH MY GOD! THE TWINS!!!, THE TWINS!!!

[Julia kisses Oprah]

Julia Roberts: Girl!

Oprah: Girlfriend.

Julia Roberts: Girl!

Oprah: My girl.

Julia Roberts: Girl!

John Travolta: Girlfriend.

[John almost sits on Oprah’s chair]

Oprah: Oh, sit, sit, sit, sit, sit. Over there, baby. That’s Oprah’s chair.

[John and Julia sit on the couch almost pushing Rhonda out of it and completely ignore her]

Julia Roberts: Listen Op. I just had to come by and thank you for the baby gifts. I mean, would you look at these? [tiny pink blackberry] Baby’s first blackberry.

Oprah: Are those not the cutest things you have ever seen in your life?! Now, how much do we love Julia Roberts?!

[Women go insane cheering]

John Travolta: Wait—and can we talk about your figure? Look at you, girl. You’re on fire like Rhonda’s house.

Rhonda: [offended] That’s not cool.

Julia Roberts: One word: Cardio-yoga-lates.

Oprah: Is it not the best? I mean…

[Rhonda is left holding the Julia’s twins]

Rhonda: Is my segment over? Or do I get up….

Julia Roberts: Yes. Who wants to hear a little secret about my girl “O” here?

Overexcited Fan: OH MY GOD!, OH MY GOD! TELL US A SECRET ABOUT OPRAH!! TELL US!![faints]

Julia Roberts: “O” is afraid of the tickle monster! Tickle fight!

[Julia tickles Oprah]

Oprah: Oh, no. Oh God, oh God, oh no.

[While Oprah is being tickled by Julia, John gets up and joins in the tickling. Rhonda is ignored, she is almost trampled on]

John Travolta: Don’t tickle me or I’ll pee in my pants!

Oprah: Oh, then I’m gonna get you!

[Oprah goes to John and tickles him]

John Travolta: I swear, I swear.

Rhonda: Am I, am I…am I gonna get a new house or what?

Oprah: No. But everyone is getting baby’s first blackberries and….a COPY OF LADDDER 49 ON DVD!!! We’ll be right back!

[The tickling continues on stage. Women cheer loud. Overexcited fan breathes into a paper bag but faints again]

[Oprah’s logo]

[fade]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 15

04o: Ashton Kutcher / Gwen Stefani

Action 13 News

Busy Martinez…..Amy Poehler
Darren Stark…..Ashton Kutcher
Barry Shirtsworth…..Seth Meyers
Herc Mandelbrak…..Horatio Sanz

[ open on to Action 13 News graphic ]

Announcer: We now return to.. Action 13 News.

[ dissolve to close-up of anchorwoman Busy Martinez in the studio ]

Busy Martinez: Welcome back to Channel 13 News – I’m Busy Martinez.

[ cut to close-up of anchorman Darren Stark ]

Darren Stark: And I’m Darren Stark.

[ cut to full shot of both anchors at the news desk ]

Busy Martinez: For those of you just tuning in, Darren is a new edition to the Channel 13 news team. And, may I say, you’re doing incredibly well.

Darren Stark: Well, thank you, Busy. It’s easy to look good in the company of such a.. talented, young gal, such as yourself.

Busy Martinez: [ laughs blushingly for quite a few moments ] Oh, stop it, Darren! I’m blushing! [ composes herself ] What do you think of our new team member, Herc?

[ cut to Herc Mandelbrak standing at the Sports Corner ]

Herc Mandelbrak: I think he’s a home run!/ [ mimes a home run hit ] And don’t forget to stick around for this month’s edition of “Herc Mandelbrak’s Sports Bloopers!”

Busy Martinez: [ condescendingly ] Can’t wait.

Darren Stark: Well.. last night’s storm caught us completely off guard, now, didn’t it?

Busy Martinez: [ excessively perky ] That’s for sure! It took me an hour to shovel my car out of the snow! [ laughs ]

Darren Stark: Well, next time, just give me a call, and I’ll come over and.. give you a hand!

Busy Martinez: [ laughs ] Oh, my! I like the new guy! So.. Barry, what gives? You told us mild and sunny – boy, were you off! [ laughs ]

[ cut to weatherman Barry Shirtsworth standing at the map ]

Barry Shirtsworth: Yeah! Sorry about that.

Darren Stark: I hope we do better tonight, Barry. [ chuckles goofily ]

Barry Shirtsworth: Me, too.. New Guy.

Busy Martinez: So, what’s the forecast, Barry? Let me guess – 85 and sunny? [ laughs condescendingly ]

Darren Stark: [ laughs with her ] Good one, Busy! Good one!

Barry Shirtsworth: Oh, I’m sorry. Do you guys want the forecast, or do you want to keep flirting?

[ Darren and Busy freeze, stunned by Barry’s outburst ]

Busy Martinez: Relax, Barry. Just give us the forecast.

Barry Shirtsworth: Yeah, you know what? I changed my mind!

Darren Stark: [ stunned ] I.. uh.. what’s that, Barry?

Barry Shirtsworth: I’m gonna pass on the forecast tonight!

Busy Martinez: [ chuckles uncomfortably ] I-I don’t understand, Barry..

Barry Shirtsworth: Here’s the plan – everyone at home can open their windows, stick their head out, and make their best guesses. ‘Cause I, human punching bag Barry Shirtsworth, am taking the day off!

Darren Stark: Uh.. is there.. is there any reason for that, Barry?

Barry Shirtsworth: Oh, yeah, there is! And I will happily tell you that reason. The reason is: I’m not God! That’s the reason! Here’s how I know I’m not God – God doesn’t have to come to work and listen to 200 messages from a bunch of weirdos every time he’s off on the weather! Back to you, Bozos!

Darren Stark: That is a, uh.. pretty inappropriate choice of words, Barry.

Barry Shirtsworth: Wow. The guy’s been here a whole week, and now he’s the one who knows what’s appropriate!

[ Busy sighs ]

Darren Stark: I know what’s professional, Barry.

Barry Shirtsworth: Well, New Guy, try being the only one on the news team that has to predict the future! Wanna tell me if there’s gonna be any murders tomorrow night? Any chemical spills coming up in the next week? You guys are jerks!

Busy Martinez: Well, let me make a prediction, Barry – this is probably your last night at Channel 13 News.

Barry Shirtsworth: This just in – I’ve been drinking. [ holds up a bottle ] In other news – you’re the Devil!

Busy Martinez: You know what, Barry? I’m really sorry that our “date” six years ago didn’t go the way you planned. But I am a news anchor. Okay? and if you thought I was gonna get with the weatherman, you should have picked a little classier locale than the Applebee’s!

Herc Mandelbrak: Uh.. [ clears throat ] Guys, you really need to cool your negative energy. I have to do my bloopers after this.

Barry Shirtsworth: How about Johnny Haircut and the Ice queen get a room? How about that!

Darren Stark: [ frustrated ] Look.. there’s nothing going on between us.

Busy Martinez: There isn’t?

Darren Stark: Not that I’m aware of.

Busy Martinez: [ gasps in amazement ] Watch your signals, friend.

Herc Mandelbrak: Seriously, guys – you know, you need a certain atmosphere to make these bloopers sizzle!

Busy Martinez: I think it’s alright, Herc – they’ll sizzle.

Barry Shirtsworth: Hey, uh.. good news, guys. I managed to pull a forecast together. [ Barry’s map changes to a cartoon drawing of Darren and Busy making out, with a fart bubble at Busy’s backside ] Uh.. okay. Looks like it’s you guys making out.. and.. it looks like you’re farting, Busy! That’s my forecast!

Darren Stark: [ sighs ] That is no way to treat a lady..

Busy Martinez: [ annoyed ] You know what, Darren – I don’t need you to be my hero.

Darren Stark: [ defensive ] Hey, look, I’m just trying to straighten —

Busy Martinez: [ angry ] Oh, what were you trying to do! I’d love to hear what you were trying to do! Look, I need a man who will be there for Busy Martinez!

Barry Shirtsworth: [ enjoying the trouble he’s caused ] Trouble in Paradise!

Darren Stark: Barry! If I have to come over there, you will not be happy!

Barry Shirtsworth: [ smarmy ] Bring it on, Captain America!

[ Darren scowls, then jumps to his feet and runs toward Barry ]

[ Barry screams like a girl, and runs off-camera as Darren reaches the map ]

Darren Stark: Get back here and fight like a man!

[ Darren runs off-screen to chase after Barry ]

Busy Martinez: Um.. uh.. in.. in other news.. [clears throat nervously ] A Lafayette man was charged with —

[ Barry runs into Busy’s frame and yells at the camera ]

Barry Shirtsworth: Busy Martinez is a bag of snakes! [ shrieks and runs away as Darren continues to chase after him ]

Busy Martinez: [ frustrated ] Well, this is just great! God!

[ Barry and Darren’s chase leads them past Herc Mandelbrak ]

Herc Mandelbrak: Can I do my bloopers?!

Busy Martinez: [ now further annoyed ] Yeah, sure, Herc! Do your bloopers!

Herc Mandelbrak: Well, it’s.. that time once again, for Herc Mandelbrak’s Sports Bloopers!

[ show blooper reel of a monkey in an ice hockey game ]

Herc Mandelbrak V/O: Well, the NHL may be on strike, but that doesn’t stop this hockey team from monkeying around —

Barry Shirtsworth V/O: Hey, you let go of me!

Darren Stark V/O: You bit me!

[ cut back to reveal Barry and Darren grabbing one another, with Herc caught in the middle ]

Herc Mandelbrak: Come on, guys! I’m trying to do my bloopers! Get off me!

[ Barry runs loose, as Darren continues to chase after him ]

Herc Mandelbrak: Bloopers!! Well, the bloopers are ruined! I know nobody cares about ol’ Herc – but he really looks forward to the bloopers! So, thanks a lot, guys! Back to you, Busy.

Busy Martinez: [ bemused ] Great, Herc. You’re a real pro.

[ Barry stops his running in front of Busy ]

Barry Shirtsworth: [ off-screen ] You’ll never catch me! [ solemnly, to Busy ] I could have been everything to you —

[ suddenly, Darren rushes Barry and knocks him to the ground ]

Barry Shirtsworth: You were so much closer than you looked!

Darren Stark: I got a forecast for you! [ raises his leg and lowers the hurt into Barry ] It’s an ass-whipping! [ continues his manic kicking ] With a 100% chance of getting your teeth knocked out! [ jumps on top of Barry ]

Busy Martinez: Okay, that about does it for us! That’s Darren Stark, I’m Busy Martinez! Thank you for tuning in!

[ Darren jumps up and deepens his voice for a serious close ]

Darren Stark: That’s the news.

Busy Martinez: Don’t be so proud of yourself, Barry!

Barry Shirtsworth: I love you!

Busy Martinez: You are pathetic! Both of you!

Barry Shirtsworth: I love you!!

[ dissolve to Action News 13 logo, fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 15

04o: Ashton Kutcher / Gwen Stefani

Nebulzitol

Larry…..Will Forte
Woman…..Amy Poehler
V/O…..Chris Parnell

[Larry walks in with flowers, woman sitting on couch]

Larry: Hi sweetheart.

Woman: Hi honey. Tough day at work?

Larry: Oh, it was fine. Look what I got for you. Flowers!

[Larry gives flowers to woman]

Woman: Oh, that’s so sweet! Oh thank you, I love them.

Larry: Oh, it’s nothing you know. I’ve been thinking about you all day. Well, I better take these and go get some flow.. go get some water for ’em.

[Larry takes flowers and walks out of scene]

Woman: Ok.

[Piano music as woman turns to camera]

Woman: When Larry was first diagnosed with March Madness, we were unprepared. He started babbling about 63 games, and DirecTV, and brackets and Digger Phelps. I was afraid. And then a friend told me about Nebulzitol. A new FDA approved drug specifically designed to fight March Madness. [woman turns to face different camera] Tests show that during the NCAA tournament, an unhealthy balance of single sport dependence develops commonly known as Basketball Jones. Nebulzitol goes right to the sports and recreation center of the brain. [shot of a glimpse inside brain with an old basketball clip showinginside the head and red arrows pointing at it] Its powerful medicinede-activates the unbalance, [glimpse in brain changes to show The View in place of basketball] replacing it with more healthier, productive impulses. [back to woman talking into camera] And it comes in the form of a bag of chips, so he’ll never know he’s taking it.

[Larry walks back into scene]

Larry: Hey, you. I rented some movies for tonight.

Woman: Hey… What about college basketball?

[Larry sits next to woman on couch]

Larry: Right, when I can cuddle with you?

Woman: Dick Vitale?

Larry: Oh, bor-ring. You know, I’d rather we just get cozy and watch a few movies, you know. I got, uh, The Notebook and Ya-Ya Sisterhood.

Woman: Aww.

[woman hugs Larry, then turns to camera]

Woman: Get the husband you want with Nebulzitol.

Larry: Foot massage?

[Woman winks at camera]

[shot of bag of chips reading Nebulzitol]

V/O: For March Madness, Nebulzitol.

Submitted by: Scott L.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 15

04o: Ashton Kutcher / Gwen Stefani

Gwen Stefani performs “Hollaback Girl”

…..Ashton Kutcher
…..Gwen Stefani

David Spade: Ladies and gentlemen – Jack Johnson, featuring G. Love!

Ashton Kutcher: [ screaming like a lunatic ] Once again – Gwen Stefaniiiiiiiiii!!!!

[ Kutcher steps aside, as camera zooms onto the stage. The stage lights up to reveal Gwen Stefani standing in front of a neatly-lined marching band ]

Gwen Stefani:
“Uh huh, this my, ugh
All the girls stomp your feet like this.

A few times I’ve been around that track
So it’s not just gonna happen like that
‘Cause I ain’t no hollaback girl
I ain’t no hollaback girl.

A few times I’ve been around that track
So it’s not just gonna happen like that
‘Cause I ain’t no hollaback girl
I ain’t no hollaback girl.

Oooh, this my, ugh! This my, ugh!
Oooh, this my, ugh! This my, ugh!
Oooh, this my, ugh! This my, ugh!
Oooh, this my, ugh! This my, ugh!

I heard that you were talking, ugh
And you didn’t think that I would hear it
People hear you talking like that, getting everybody fired up
So I’m ready to attack, gonna lead the pack
Gonna get a touchdown, gonna take you out
That’s right, put your pom-poms down, getting everybody fired up.

A few times I’ve been around that track
So it’s not just gonna happen like that
‘Cause I ain’t no hollaback girl
I ain’t no hollaback girl.

A few times I’ve been around that track
So it’s not just gonna happen like that
‘Cause I ain’t no hollaback girl
I ain’t no hollaback girl.

Oooh, this my, shh! This my, ugh!
Oooh, this my, ugh! This my, ugh!
Oooh, this my, ugh! This my, ugh!
Oooh, this my, ugh! This my, ugh!

That’s right, dude, meet me at the bleachers
No principals, no student-teachers
All the boys want to be the winner, but there can only be one
So I’m gonna fight, gonna give it my all
Gonna make you fall, gonna sock it to you
That’s right, I’m the last one standing, another one bites the dust A few times I’ve been around that track
So it’s not just gonna happen like that
‘Cause I ain’t no hollaback girl
I ain’t no hollaback girl.

A few times I’ve been around that track
So it’s not just gonna happen like that
‘Cause I ain’t no hollaback girl
I ain’t no hollaback girl.

Oooh, this my, ugh! This my, ugh!
Oooh, this my, ugh! This my, ugh!
Oooh, this my, ugh! This my, ugh!
Oooh, this my, ugh! This my, ugh!

Let me hear you say, this, ugh, is bananas
B-A-N-A-N-A-S
This, ugh, is bananas
B-A-N-A-N-A-S
This, ugh, is bananas
B-A-N-A-N-A-S
This, ugh, is bananas
B-A-N-A-N-A-S

A few times I’ve been around that track
So it’s not just gonna happen like that
‘Cause I ain’t no hollaback girl
I ain’t no hollaback girl.

A few times I’ve been around that track
So it’s not just gonna happen like that
‘Cause I ain’t no hollaback girl
I ain’t no hollaback girl.

Oooh, this my, ugh! This my, ugh!
Oooh, this my, ugh! This my, ugh!
Oooh, this my, ugh! This my, ugh!
Oooh, this my, ugh! This my, ugh!”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 15

04o: Ashton Kutcher / Gwen Stefani

Gwen Stefani featuring Eve performs “Rich Girl”

…..Ashton Kutcher
…..Gwen Stefani
…..Eve

David Spade: Ladies and gentlemen – Jack Johnson, featuring G. Love!

Ashton Kutcher: Ladies and gentlemen – Gwen Stefani, featuring Eeeeeeeeeeve!!

Gwen Stefani, featuring Eve:
“Na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na
Na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na
Na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na
Na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na

Eve:
Come together all over the world
From the hoods of Japan, Harajuku girls
What, it’s all love
What, give it up, what

Gwen Stefani:
Shouldn’t matter, shouldn’t matter, shouldn’t matter, shouldn’t matter

Eve: What

Come together all over the world
From the hoods of Japan, Harajuku girls
What, it’s all love
What, give it up, what

Gwen Stefani:
Shouldn’t matter, shouldn’t matter, shouldn’t matter, shouldn’t matter

If I was a rich girl
Na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na
See, I’d have all the money in the world
If I was a wealthy girl.
No man could test me, impress me
My cash flow would never ever end
‘Cause I’d have all the money in the world
If I was a wealthy girl.

Think what that money could bring
I’d buy everything
Clean out Vivienne Westwood
In my Galliano gown.
No, wouldn’t just have one hood
A Hollywood mansion, if I could
Please book me first-class to my fancy house in London town.

All the riches, baby, won’t mean anything
All the riches, baby, won’t bring what your love can bring.
All the riches, baby, won’t mean anything
Don’t need no other baby
Your lovin’ is better than gold, and I know.

Eve:
Come together all over the world
From the hoods of Japan, Harajuku girls
What, it’s all love
What, give it up, what

Gwen Stefani:
Shouldn’t matter, shouldn’t matter, shouldn’t matter, shouldn’t matter

Eve:
What happened to my life
Turned upside down
Chicks dat blew ya mind, ding, it’s the second round

Together: Original track and ting, mmm.

Eve:
You know you can’t buy these things (no)
See Stefani and her L.A.M.B., I rock the Fetish people
You know who I am.

Gwen Stefani:
Yes ma’am, we got the style that’s wicked (come on)
I hope you can all keep up (come on)

Together:
We climbed all the way from the bottom to the top
Now we ain’t gettin’ nothin’ but love

Eve: Come on, come on!

Gwen Stefani:
If I was rich girl
Na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na
See, I’d have all the money in the world (come on)
if I was a wealthy girl (come on)
No man could test me, impress me
my cash flow would never ever end
Cause I’d have all the money in the world
if I was a wealthy girl.

Na, na, na, na (come on) na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na (come on)
Na, na, na, na (come on) na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na (come on)
Na, na, na, na (come on) na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na (come on)
Na, na, na, na (come on) na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na.”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 15

04o: Ashton Kutcher / Gwen Stefani

Goodnights

…..Ashton Kutcher

Ashton Kutcher; Thank you, Gwen Stefani! Eve! and my love, Demi Moore! And everyone at SNL, Lorne Michaels, everybody here! God bless you! “Guess Who”, next Friday! Go see it! I love you!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 15

04o: Ashton Kutcher / Gwen Stefani

Federline

Kevin Federline…..Ashton Kutcher
V/O…..Maya Rudolph

V/O: Britney Spears’ husband, Kevin Federline.

[Shot of Kevin Federline sprawled out on bed, all shot in black and white like a Calvin Klein commercial]

Kevin Federline: Federline, yo.

[shot of thumbs pulling on underwear band showing “Federline” ]

Kevin Federline: I look like I might stink, yo. But I don’t.

[Kevin smells own armpit]

Kevin Federline: Come over here. Check it.

[Thumbs pulling on underwear band again]

Kevin Federline: Federline, yo.

[Kevin picks up Us Magazine]

Kevin Federline: I’m in a lot of these. You jealous? [whispers] I think so.

[Kevin rolls around on bed]

Kevin Federline: Federline, yo.

[Kevin rolls over on bed]

Kevin Federline: I’m bustin’ out; doin’ my own thing. Just don’t tell Britney, yo.

[Thumbs pulling on underwear band again]

Kevin Federline: Federline, yo. Britney thinks I look best in my underwear.

[Shot of underwear packaging]

Kevin Federline: By the way, Britney keeps her underwear over there.

[shot of underwear on bedpost]

Kevin Federline: And over here.

[shot of undewear on lamp]

Kevin Federline: And over there in that big pile.

[shot of big pile of underwear on the floor]

Kevin Federline: Most of the time she keeps them in my mouth. Just kidding. No I’m not. [looks down] Yes I am. [looks up] No I’m not. [looks down] Yes I am. [looks up] I’m flippin’, yo.

[Girl in underwear walks in to shot, Kevin looks at her and back at camera]

Kevin Federline: I might be in trouble, yo.

[Shot of underwear packaging]

V/O: Britney Spears’ husband Kevin Federline for Federline Briefs. Man panties for wiggers.

Submitted by: Scott L.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 15

04o: Ashton Kutcher / Gwen Stefani

Southern Baptist Church

Rev. Willie….Finesse Mitchell
Deacon Brown….Kenan Thompson
Sister Ophelia….Maya Rudolph
Brian McKay….Ashton Kutcher

[Opens with an outside shot of a Baptist church. Cut to the inside of it. A choir is on high gear singing hymns to the congregation. They are wearing golden robes.]

Choir: [singing] I KNOW THE LORD IS REAL TO ME!….TO ME JESUS IS REAL!….I KNOW THE LORD IS REAL TO ME!

[Hymn ends. Applause. Rev. Willie walks to the podium. He wears a suit, has grey head of hair, grey mustache and beard. He pats with a handkerchief the corner of his mouth and forehead from time to time]

Rev. Willie: Yes, yes, yes. Can I get an Amen?!

All: AMEN!

Rev. Willie: Yes. Now we all know our pastor along with all the other pastors in the region are down in that southern baptist convention down in Orlando, Florida.

All: AMEN!

[Deacon Brown wears a suit, is almost bald with white hair. He sits next to Ophelia. She wears a southern dress with a matching hat]

Deacon Brown: Sounds like a free trip to Disney World. Guess there wasn’t no money in the budget to take nobody else, huh? I like roller coasters!

Rev. Willie: Ok, Deacon Brown. Ok, now. I’m sure we all could enjoy some sunny weather.

Sister Ophilia: Yes.

Rev. Willie: Some beautiful palm trees…

Sister Ophilia: Tell it, deacon.

Rev. Willie: Young folks having fun….

Sister Ophilia: Amen!

Deacon Brown: Yeah, open invites to fornication. He, he, he…

Sister Ophilia: Huh-uh!

Rev. Willie: Deacon Brown!

Deacon Brown: What?! That’s what they’ll be doing in Florida.[to the congregation] Am I right? Am I right? I’m wrong?

Rev. Willie: Now, but the pastor would not leave his flock without a shepard. He has left us in good hands today. Please welcome our special guest, Mr. Brian McKay.

[A shy white guy in a suit approaches the podium. Deacon Brown gets up and puts his hands up]

Deacon Brown: Oh, damn! The feds done found me! Well, I’m gonna tell you right now! I spent the money!

Rev. Willie: Deacon, put your hands down.

Deacon Brown: Hey, if I’m going down, you’re going down, Willie!

Rev. Willie: Charlie, please now. That happened 20 years ago. This man is the guest preacher.

Deacon Brown: Oh, what money? Oh, what am I talking about? I’m sick. [sits down]

Brian McKay: [into the mic] All right. Hello, everybody. Church. I’m Brian McKay. Umm…

Sister Ophilia: Brian who? He don’t look like no preacher.

Rev. Willie: Now, sister Ophelia, now let’s give Mr. McKay a chance. [covers mic] Brian, what church are you from?

Brian McKay: Well, I am, uh, a rector for the First Unitarian Church in Wellesly Massachusetts.

Rev. Willie: The what?

Deacon Brown: Will y’all stop chit-chatting and get to the preachin’! Man, the game coming on at 3:00 now.

Rev. Willie: Do it.[sits]

Brian McKay: [into the mic]All right, all right. Uh, you folks look lovely tonight. I would like to begin today’s services with a reading from Galatians 4:22.[reading a card]”For it is written that Abraham had 2 sons. One by a slave and one by a free woman….”

All: [offended] No, no, no….

[Rev. Willie gets up and covers the mic]

Rev. Willie: Ok, wait a minute now. Ok, now. That’s not gonna work in a black church.

Brian McKay: Are you sure? I thought I had them there.

Rev. Willie: No, no you didn’t. And I’m pretty sure you lost them when you said “slave”. I see now I’m gonna have to walk you through this.

Brian McKay: Uh, yeah. You’re probably right.

Rev. Willie: Ok, ok. All right. Say “I want to talk about the Lord”.

Brian McKay: [into the mic]”I want to talk about the Lord”.

Rev. Willie: Say it louder!

Brian McKay: Louder? “I want to talk about the Lord!”

Sister Ophilia: Well, talk about him then.

Rev. Willie: Say you love him.

Brian McKay: I love the Lord!

[Organ plays a sharp note]

Rev. Willie: Say it like you mean it!

Brian McKay: Well, that was something. I said “I love the LORD!”

[Organ plays another note]

Brian McKay: Wow, that was really nice.

Rev. Willie: Now, has the Lord been good to you?

Brian McKay: Well, I can’t complain. I have a beautiful apartment in Nantucket.

Rev. Willie: No, no, no. Don’t say that to me. Ask them that!

Brian McKay: Oh, right, right.[into the mic]Has the Lord been GOOD TO YOU!!

Deacon Brown: Yes, he has. Yes, he has.

Brian McKay: This is…[takes the mic into his hand]I’m starting to feel something. I really am here!

Rev. Willie: Now say, “The Lord is great!”

Brian McKay: THE LORD IS GREAT!

All: THAT’S RIGHT!

Rev. Willie: “I don’t think y’all heard me.”

Brian McKay: “I DON’T THINK Y’ALL HEARD ME!!!”

Rev. Willie: Now kid, act like you’re dancing on hot coals.

[Rev. Willie makes large steps. Brian does the same]

Brian McKay: I said “THE LORD IS GR-R-R-R-REAT!

Sister Ophilia: Like Tony the Tiger!

[Music plays and the choir comes alive]

Rev. Willie: You’re working it now.

Brian McKay: Well…

Rev. Willie: Yeah, like that.[gives Brian the handkerchief, Brian pat his forehead] Now, you’re wanna jump up and down and you wanna say “Hallelujah”.

Brian McKay: Like this? [jumps up and down]

Rev. Willie: Yeah!

Brian McKay: HALLELUJAH!!!

[The congregation gets up and cheers, they also clap to the rhythm of the music]

Brian McKay: Look, they’re all standing!

Rev. Willie: Now, this would be a good time to take a collection.

Brian McKay: THIS WOULD BE A GOOD TIME TO TAKE A COLLECTION!!!

[Crowd sits, music stops]

Rev. Willie: Never mind.

Brian McKay: NEVER MIND!

All: Yes!

[Crowd gets up, music resumes]

Brian McKay: I don’t know about you but I feel go-o-o-o-od!!

Rev. Willie: All right, you’re on your own now.[sits]

[Brian is really getting into it, moving about with confidence]

Brian McKay: I said, I said, are we feeling good church?! I, I, I feel good, sister!!

Sister Ophilia: Oh, preach! Light skin, preach!

Brian McKay: Uh, I will! I feel good, Deacon![Deacon makes fists and grunts in approval. Brian turns to the choir] I feel go-o-o-o-ood, choir!![Congregation cheers] I’m feelin’ it!, I’m feelin’ it!, I’m feelin’ it! This church ain’t big enough for me![Brian does a split on the floor, gets up] I GOTTA PREACH TO THE WHOLE WORLD!!![Brian runs like a maniac and jumps through a stained glass window. Silence]

Sister Ophilia: The spirit ain’t never made me jump through no window.

Deacon Brown: Man, you know, I seen that same thing in the movie The Exorcist.

Rev. Willie: [shocked]Well, uh, I don’t know. Dear Lord, let’s pray for that boy. I don’t—spirit….oh.

[Brian walks back into the church out of breath]

Sister Ophilia: He’s back.[faints]

Brian McKay: Now, is it time to take the collection?

Deacon Brown: [gets up, puts hand in pocket]Hells, yeah! That boy is good! Now, pull your money out!

Rev. Willie: Yeah, give it up cause we’re gonna need to fix that stained glass window. Take us home, choir!

Choir: [sing] JESUS IS REAL! I KNOW THE LORD IS REAL TO ME…..

[Choir keeps singing. Rev. Willie passes the collection basket and Brian keeps dancing with the Holy Spirit in him]

[Cheers and applause]

[fade]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 15


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:
March 19th, 2005

Ashton Kutcher

Gwen Stefani

None

Demi Moore

Eve
HardballSummary: Chris Matthews (Darrell Hammond) tackles the subject of steroid use in Major League Baseball.

Recurring Characters: Chris Matthews, Mark McGwire, Zell Miller.

Ashton Kutcher’s MonologueSummary: Ashton Kutcher doesn’t understand what’s the big deal about him dating an older woman, so he pulls Demi Moore (in heavily-accented old lady make-up) up to the stage so they can speak glowingly of their strange relationship.

First Hosted: 02r.

Me-HarmonySummary: The proven online matchmaking service finds their clients’ exact opposite sex match.

Note: Repeat from 04l.

OprahSummary: Oprah (Maya Rudolph) pays more attention to actor John Travolta (Darrell Hammond) than to fire victim (Rachel Dratch).

Recurring Characters: Oprah Winfrey, John Travolta, Julia Roberts.

Transcript

Push-UpsSummary: Two years later, a nerdy guy (Ashton Kutcher) still feels humiliated by an incident involving the water cooler at his office. Determined to save face, he’s devised a scheme where he can demonstrate his strength by performing 45 push-ups. He struggles to convince his co-workers (Chris Parnell, Amy Poehler, Rachel Dratch, Horatio Sanz) that office push-up contests are the new fad in Denver, but they easily best him in the competition, making him feel more and more foolish.

FederlineSummary: Kevin Federline (Ashton Kutcher) has started his own underwear line behind his wife Britney Spears’ back.

Transcript

Gays in SpaceSummary: Brought back for Episode 2, the gay space crew crash lands on a strange planet.

Recurring Characters: Space Creature, Billiam, Gavindy, Thad.

Gwen Stefani with Eve performs “Rich Girl”Eve First Performed: 00q.

Lyrics

Weekend Update with Tina Fey & Amy PoehlerSummary: Tina and Amy do a horrible fake interview with Robert Blake footage. Consumer advocate Henry Payne (Kenan Thompson) puts the pain on a store clerk (Ashton Kutcher). Chris Parnell’s Demi Moore rap evolves into a desire to have sex with Ashton Kutcher.

Transcript

Southern Baptist ChurchSummary: A white minister (Ashton Kutcher) receives an unwelcomed reception at a black Baptist church.

Transcript

Action 13 NewsSummary: Perky news anchor Busy Martinez (Amy Poehler) is gaga for her hunky new co-anchor, Darren Stark (Ashton Kutcher), which fuels resentment in jilted weatherman Barry Shirtsworth (Seth Meyers).

Transcript

Gwen Stefani performs “Hollaback Girl”Bio: Gwen Stefani (1969-). Singer; former lead singer of No Doubt.

Also Performed: 06h.

Cameos: 00q.

Lyrics

NebulzitolSummary: Woman (Amy Poehler) uses product to keep her husband (Will Forte) focused on her instead of March Madness and other sports events.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

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Dress Rehearsal Cuts

Mysterious PhenomenaSummary: A would-be psychic’s (Fred Armisen) predictions for the future consistently turn out to be wrong.

Record DealSummary: Wanna-be musicians *Maya Rdolph, Kenan Thompson, Finnesse Mitchell) try to secure a record deal.

Pep RallySummary: A high school cheerleader (Amy Poehler) performs nasty cheers with the help of the school mascot (Ashton Kutcher).

Pulled OverSummary: After the driver (Ashton Kutcher) is pulled over, his passenger (Seth Meyers) tries to sweet talk the police out of giving them a ticket.

Bear CitySummary: A bear hails a taxi cab.

Restraining OrderSummary: In a short film by Scott Wainio, a man (Scott Wainio) receives a restraining order.

Dinner TableSummary: A couple (Ashton Kutcher, Amy Poehler) are separated at a dinner party when the man is firced to sit on the same side of the table as the invited nerds.

Bear CitySummary: A group of pairs chase the Easter Bunny.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 14

04n: David Spade / Jack Johnson

The UPS Guy

UPS Guy…..David Spade
Receptionist…..Rachel Dratch
Cleaning Women…..Maya Rudolph, Amy Poehler, Tina Fey
FedEx Guy…..Seth Meyers

[ open on exterior, prop office building at 802 address ]

[ SUPER: “Monday” ]

[ dissolve to interior, reception desk. Receptionist is on the phone as the UPS guy enters with a package ]

UPS Guy: Hey, Erica.

Receptionist: Oh, hey. How are ya’?

UPS Guy: Ah, pretty good. You guys got anything going out today?

Receptionist: Um.. [ looks ] Nope.

UPS Guy: Okay. Well.. [ puts the box on the counter, taps it nervously ] That’s for you. Have a good one.

Receptionist: You, too.

[ UPS Guy exits, Receptionist returns to her work ]

[ dissolve to exterior, prop office building at 802 address ]

[ SUPER: “Tuesday” ]

[ dissolve to interior, reception desk. Receptionist is scribbling on some documents as the UPS guy enters with a package ]

UPS Guy: Hey, Erica!

Receptionist: Oh! Hey. How are ya’?

UPS Guy: Ah, you know, just.. working. [ chuckles nervously ]

Receptionist: Yeah. [ returns a nervous laugh ]

UPS Guy: Yeah. Hey, you guys got anything going out today?

Receptionist: Um.. [ looks ] No. Not today.

UPS Guy: Okay. [ turns to leave, notices magazine on reception desk ] Hey! Time Magazine – smart lady.

Receptionist: Oh.. that’s not mine. Someone just left it out here.

UPS Guy: Oh. Right on, right on. [ laughs nervously ]

[ Receptionist coughs ]

UPS Guy: Hey! Bless you!

Receptionist: Oh, I.. just coughed.

UPS Guy: Oh. Okay. Well.. bless – bless you, anyway.

Receptionist: Oh. Thanks. Bye bye.

[ UPS Guy exits, Receptionist returns to her work ]

[ dissolve to exterior, prop office building at 802 address ]

[ SUPER: “Wednesday” ]

[ dissolve to interior, reception desk. Receptionist is ending a phone call as the UPS guy enters with a package ]

UPS Guy: Hey, Erica.

Receptionist: Oh. Hi.

UPS Guy: Hey, uh.. anything going out today?

Receptionist: Um.. [ looks ] Nope.

UPS Guy: Uh, that’s cool. Here you go. [ drops the package on the reception desk, turns to leave, then stops to make his move ] Hey, uh.. Erica. Um.. I was, uh.. thinking about – maybe.. I don’t know. Maybe one time after work, we can cruise out, maybe have a drink, or dinner, or whatever. Maybe a movie?

Receptionist: Oh. Uh.. I’m sorry, no. Uh.. I’m not really interested, but.. thank you.

UPS Guy: [ caught off guard, but trying to maintain his composure ] Oh, no, that’s.. totally cool. You know.. can’t.. hurt to ask, right? [ chuckles nervously ] Okay. Have a good one.

Receptionist: You, too.

[ UPS Guy exits awkwardly, as the Receptionist returns to her work ]

[ dissolve to exterior, prop office building at 802 address ]

[ SUPER: “Thursday” ]

[ dissolve to interior, reception desk. Receptionist is typing on the computer as the UPS guy enters with a package and a giggle in his voice ]

UPS Guy: Hey, Erica!

Receptionist: Oh. Hello.

UPS Guy: Anything today.

Uh.. [ instinctively ] Nope.

UPS Guy: Cool, cool, cool. [ starts to turn to leave ] Hey, real quick – it’s not because I’m the UPS guy, is it?

Receptionist: [ defensive ] What? No! Of course not.

UPS Guy: Oh! Okay, cool! Ain’t no thing but a chicken wing! [ grimaces, wishing he hadn’t said that ]

Receptionist: Oh! [ notices oversized box sitting on her desk ] Hey! I forgot – we do have something going out today. I forgot.

UPS Guy: Oh. Oh! Okay. Well.. put me to work, are ya’?

[ they share the laugh, as the UPS Guy attempts to lift the oversized box ]

UPS Guy: Aargh. Christ! What do you got in here, bricks? [ laughs ] I’m kidding. It’s not too bad.

[ phone rings ]

Receptionist: [ answers phone ] Hello, may I help you?

UPS Guy: [ as he stumbles across the room ] What’s that? Are you.. are — [ sees she’s on the phone ] Oh.

[ UPS Guy stumbles out of the office, as the Receptionist returns to her phone call ]

[ dissolve to exterior, prop office building at 802 address ]

[ SUPER: “Friday” ]

[ dissolve to interior, reception desk. Receptionist is scribbling on some documents as the UPS guy enters wearing a back brace ]

UPS Guy: Hey, Erica. Anything going out today.

Receptionist: Nope.

UPS Guy: [ to the point ] Hey, just so you know – I’m not always gonna be the UPS guy.

Receptionist: Oh. Okay. Cool. [ chuckles pensively ]

UPS Guy: ‘Cause.. I’ll tell you what, I’ve got this.. kick-ass idea for a video game.

Receptionist: Oh. That’s, uh.. really great.

UPS Guy: And it’s a billion-dollar industry – if you can get in. [ chuckles ] Can I tell you my idea for the video game? [ serious ] I’ll tell you, only if you swear to GOD in Heaven on a stack of Bibles you will NOT tell another soul in this world!

Receptionist: Uh.. I’m not so comfortable with that.

UPS Guy: Ah, I’ll tell ya’, anyway. Uh.. it’s the main character, right? He is, uh.. he’s a guy that has to deliver all these packages, see? And, then, there’s these levels, kind of like an office builoding. And, when you get to the end of the game, you have to kill this woman.

[ Receptionist shakes her head in abrupt fear ]

UPS Guy: Anyway, that’s it. Have a good day. [ exits quickly ]

Receptionist: [ in total shock ] Yeah.. you, too.

[ dissolve to exterior, prop office building at 802 address ]

[ SUPER: “Saturday” ]

[ dissolve to interior, reception desk. Cleaning Woman is vacuuming around the reception desk ]

[ dissolve to exterior, prop office building at 802 address ]

[ SUPER: “Sunday” ]

[ dissolve to interior, reception desk. Three cleaning women are lounging on the receptionist desk spraying cleanser, smoking cigarettes and dancing to Patti Labelle’s “Lady Marmalade” ]

[ dissolve to exterior, prop office building at 802 address ]

[ SUPER: “Monday” ]

[ dissolve to interior, reception desk. Receptionist is holding hands with the FedEx Guy, as the UPS Guy enters ]

UPS Guy: He-e-ey.. [ surprised ] Hey, Erica.. [ sees the FedEx Guy ] Oh. You.

FedEx Guy: Ha! UPS! No wonder I got here first!

UPS Guy: Erica, how could you?

Receptionist: Well.. for starters – my name is MARY!

UPS Guy: Hah.

Receptionist: And I’ve been dating the FedEx guy for a while, and I just didn’t know how to tell you. I-I-I’m sorry if you’re uncomfortable.

UPS Guy: Hey. Listen. No, no, it’s totally cool, I mean.. you two guys are together. Whatever. I don’t know. I thought you were nice. I wish you all the happiness in the world.

Receptionist: Okay. so, no hard feelings? [ offers her hand for a handshake ]

UPS Guy: [ shakes her hand ] Come on, are you kidding? No hard feelings, of course! [ gives the thumbs-up to the FedEx Guy as he exits ]

[ Receptionist continues to hold hands with the FedEx Guy ]

[ dissolve to exterior, prop office building at 802 address ]

[ SUPER: “Tuesday” ]

[ an explosion sounds, as the prop building bursts into flames from many angles ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts