Jackie… James Austin Johnson
Marilyn Monroe… Chloe Fineman
Devin… Brendan Gleeson
Agnes… Heidi Gardner[Starts with Netflix intro]
Male voice: This fall, Netflix released “Blonde”, an NC-17, no-holds-barred look at the life of Marilyn Monroe. Here’s a preview.
Jackie: Marilyn what’s the holdup? We’re about to shoot the big dance number.
Marilyn: I’m just gonna mess it up Jackie. It’s like I’m a slave to this Marilyn Monroe.
Jackie: Don’t say that, Marilyn. everybody loves you. And to cheer you up, I brought in Devin and Agnes from the studio to read you all your adoring fan mails. Come on in ladies.[Devin and Agnes walk in. Devin is a man with breasts.]
Agnes: Wow, Ms. Monroe, this is the most fan mail we’ve ever seen.
Devin: Yeah, we picked up some of the best ones to make you feel better.
Jackie: See Marilyn they love you.
Marilyn: And I do need the love daddy. All right, ladies. Let’s hear those letters.
Agnes: Okay. What do we got?
Devin: Yeah, here’s one. Let’s see now. Marilyn, you are the sweetheart of this every other month.
Marilyn: Even February? Shucks, I’m feeling better already.
Devin: Here’s another one. Marilyn I wish I was you.
Agnes: My turn. Marilyn, you are a whore and no one will ever love you, you disgusting tramp. You’re poisoning our children. Not a fan.
Marilyn: That felt a little long and mean.
Jackie: Oh, that one musta gotten mixed up in the mail.
Devin: Oh, here’s a good one. Marilyn you are a sweetheart and your smile is a sweetheart too. Your to sweetheart, sweetheart. Love from Louisville.
Marilyn: I love you too Louisville. Gee, I think I’m ready to start that dance.
Agnes: Marilyn, you dumb baboon, your brain is in your button, I’d like to kick it. Not a fan.
Jackie: What the hell was that?
Marilyn: Maybe we could screen these little or if they get really mean, I don’t know, bail?
Agnes: Well, it’s hard Miss Monroe because some of them start nice and then mean.
Devin: And some of them start mean and then nice.
Agnes: And then some of them start mean and just end.
Marilyn: Well, do any of them start nice and stay nice?
Devin: A Sure. Here’s one, Ms. Monroe.
Marilyn: You sure it’s all nice?
Marilyn: You read the whole thing?
Marilyn: Talk to friends side to side?
Marilyn: Alright, go ahead.
Devin: Marilyn, you are a whore.
Jackie: Here’s an idea. Maybe if it says whore, we skip that and say flower instead?
Agnes: You got it? Marilyn you were born a flower and you will die a flower.
Devin: You’re a dirty flower and your mother was a flower too.
Agnes: Oh, wait, I got a good one. I really look up to you. I’m also a flower. Now not a fan.
Marilyn: God, everyone just hates Marilyn Monroe. I should have stayed Norma Jean.
Agnes: Oh, well, this one’s addressed your Norma Jean.
Marilyn: Really? Only one person in the world calls me that.
Agnes: Norma Jean. It’s your dad. Not a fan.
Marilyn: Okay. Maybe we don’t read any of it that say not a fan at the end?
Devin: Well, this one says Not a fan at the beginning. Is that okay?
Marilyn: No. I’m sorry. Who are you two again?
Devin: Well, we’re your fan mail readers.
Marilyn: And that’s your whole job?
Agnes: Well, we’re also veers for some of the gay stars. But we can’t say which, Rock Hudson.
Marilyn: Okay. I think I’m ready to be done with these old women, please.
Agnes: Oh, no. Just just give us one more chance.
Devin: Yeah, this one will be nice. Look, it’s a drawing. [it’s a drawing made by a kid of a woman inside jail]
Marilyn: What is that?
Agnes: It’s you in jail for being a whore.
Jackie: All right, enough of this nonsense. Ladies, you’re fired. Let me see those letters. [Jackie is looking at the letters] Here’s one that really says really says what the public feels about you. “Marilyn, you’re a genius and an icon. Now, go dance your heart out.”
Marilyn: Jackie, that was exactly what I needed to hear. Maybe letters really are a girl’s best friend.[Marilyn feels really happy and goes to dance]
Devin: Did it really say that?
Jackie: Who knows? I can’t read.