Brigitte Bardot…Kate McKinnon
Catherine Deneuve… Cecily Strong[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]
Colin Jost: Nearly, 100 female activists and actresses in France have signed a letter saying that the #metoo movement has gone too far. Here to explain their controversial views are two legendary French actresses, Brigitte Bardot and Catherine Deneuve.[Brigitte Bardot and Catherine Deneuve slide in. Brigitte Bardot is holding a cigarette and Catherine Deneuve is holding a glass of wine in their hands.] [cheers and applause]
Catherine Deneuve: Alu-alu-alu.
Brigitte Bardot: Yes!
Catherine Deneuve: Thank you. Thank you, Colin. Don’t be nervous being around two beautiful women. You know, we can still have some fun. We will not discourage you from being a man.
Brigitte Bardot: A man is man. And woman is a woman. If they are not, they are homos.
Catherine Deneuve: Oh, Brigitte, come on! No, no, no, no. We were having fun. Let them get to know you first.
Brigitte Bardot: Oh, it’s okay.
Catherine Deneuve: Yeah, yeah. She’s 83 years.
Colin Jost: Oh, she’s 83?
Brigitte Bardot: What did you say?
Catherine Deneuve: Sweetie, I said you are a legend. Brigitte Bardot.[They kiss each other’s cheeks.]
Colin Jost: That’s great. Well, it’s an honor to have both of you here. What is your main complaint about the #metoo movement?
Catherine Deneuve: Look, look. [Brigitte Bardot is staring at something away] It’s important in France to question, to debate. To challenge popular opinion. For me, I just– I don’t want romance to die. But, if I went to far, hurting a woman, that was absolutely not my intention. You understand?
Colin Jost: Okay. Yeah, of course.
Brigitte Bardot: And me, I stand by everything I have said. And I will double down. Free Harvey Weinstein!
Catherine Deneuve: Oh!
Brigitte Bardot: This is a real man.
Catherine Deneuve: No, no, no, no. Come on. That’s not what this is. No, no, no. Look, look. I think what we both think, it’s women have a beautiful body, yeah? Men have a beautiful body. Why can’t we have the freedom to explore and enjoy? What is more French than that? You know?
Colin Jost: Okay.
Brigitte Bardot: Why does a woman have breasts? This is for a man to grab and pull. “Come with me. Come with me.”
Catherine Deneuve: Sweetie, no.
Brigitte Bardot: A door has a knob. A woman has two knobs.
Catherine Deneuve: It’s not. No. Oh! This woman. You know, I’m beginning to think i should not have aligned myself with her. Ah! You know, what can I say? I’m impulsive. I could kiss you now, Colin.
Colin Jost: Oh! No, we can’t. We’re on the news.
Catherine Deneuve: Well.
Brigitte Bardot: Well, he is homo. I told you.
Catherine Deneuve: Brigitte, come on!
Brigitte Bardot: No! No! You know, I love homo. My only friends are you and birds and homo.
Catherine Deneuve: Come on, baby. So many of the things. This woman says a problematic. Brigitte! We are here to explain opposition. You remember?
Brigitte Bardot: I remember.
Catherine Deneuve: We talked about this.
Brigitte Bardot: Oh, yeah, we are woke.
Catherine Deneuve: Yes.
Colin Jost: Right. And you guys do think that women are equal to men, right?
Catherine Deneuve: Yes, yes, yes. Women want to be equal to men, yes. But, we also want to be desire.
Brigitte Bardot: Give the female cat.
Catherine Deneuve: Oh, boy. Come on.
Brigitte Bardot: She scream because she wants to be dead.
Catherine Deneuve: I told her don’t say this, man.
Brigitte Bardot: She scream! [making cat noises]
Catherine Deneuve: But she’s gonna do it.
Brigitte Bardot: And then when she is attacked, she scream even more. [making cat noise]
Catherine Deneuve: Okay. Okay. So, I think we have– we cleared it up, huh? No? So? we are both French. Brigitte is very old and very wrong. Yup!
Brigitte Bardot: You are freaking old too, bitch!
Catherine Deneuve: Ha-ha-ha-ha. Oh, the great Brigitte.[Brigitte Bardot and Catherine Deneuve kiss each other’s cheeks]
Colin Jost: I was gonna say it. Brigitte Bardot and Catherine Deneuve.