Carol Kumdungeon… Kate McKinnon
Randall Fields… Mikey Day
Donald McRonald… Kenan Thompson
Mark Peanus… Kyle Mooney
Dr. Shayna Steele… Rachel Brosnahan
Firefighter… Pete Davidson
Nurse… Aidy Bryant
Julia N… Heidi Gardner
Dr. Donna Diddadog… Leslie Jones
[Starts with Action 9, News at five intro]
Narrator: Action 9, news at five, Nor Cal’s number one choice for news.
[Cut to Carol in her news set]
Carol Kumdungeon: Good afternoon. Our top story, a 4.3 magnitude earthquake rattled Downtown Sacramento this morning, causing some structural damage. Our own Randall Fields is in Capital Plaza. [Cut to split screen. Carol at the left side and Randall at the right side. Randall is in front of destroyed building] Randall, besides the ground, what’s shaking over there?
Randall Fields: Well, lots, Carol. And given the severity of the situation, I found that earthquake pun in very poor taste. [Cut to Randall] I’m here at the social security administration building where a proportion of the second floor caved in, trapping several people who are in the legal change of name office below. I’m told the building was especially busy as due to the partial government shutdown, office hours have been limited. Joining me are two gentlemen [Donald and Mark join Randall] who were inside the building, waiting to change their names when the earthquake struck. Please, tell us who you are and what you remember.
Donald McRonald: Yeah, my name is Donald McRonald. And I’m trying to change my last name to Johnson, finally stop all the dumbass childish jokes, when everything just started shaking.
Mark Peanus: Yeah, I don’t even know how I got out. But I’m feeling—very lucky right now.
Randall Fields: And your name sir?
Mark Peanus: Mark Peanus.
Randall Fields: Oh my goodness.
Carol Kumdungeon: Randall, Im’ sorry. [Cut to Carol] I’m going to have to cut Mr. Peanus here, as we have an update from search and rescue officials at the scene.
[Cut to Dr. Shayna Steel. She is standing with a nurse and a firefighter]
Dr. Shayna Steele: I’m Dr. Shayna Steele, triage coordinator for family members. Worried about relatives who were in the change of name office. Here is a list of rescued individuals taken to St. Joseph’s memorial hospital. Lisa Simpson, Bill Kosbie, Mario Pardi, Ty Neadik, Morgan Mindy.
Firefighter: Nanu Nanu. Sorry.
Dr. Shayna Steele: The following people are at Sacramento general. Siblings Gary, Larry and Mary Potter. Tadd Kobell, Ivan Jerganov.
Nurse: You have? That was gross. And I am sorry. Ha-ha-ha.
Dr. Shayna Steele: Pete Ophelia and Keith– um… how would you say that?
Firefighter: Ka’weaf. Keith Ka’weaf.
Dr. Shayna Steele: I should mention that we did not know Mr. Ka’weaf was inside so when he came out it was delightful surprise. We will update you as we learn more. Thank you.
[Cut to Carol]
Carol Kumdungeon: Okay. Thank you. Let’s check back in with Randall Fields. [Cut to split screen. Carol at the left side and Randall at the right side. Randall is in front of destroyed building] Randall, with this earthquake. Any idea who’s at fault?
Randall Fields: Again Carol. I find your earthquake jokes very inappropriate. [Cut to Randall] I am standing here with a civilian [Beck Bennett joins Randall] who helped get lots of folks out safely. Some are even calling him a hero. Mr. Alan Hitler.
Alan Hitler: Oh, please don’t say hero, and please don’t say my last name. Just use an initial.
Randall Fields: Well, [The name tag in the news sayd “A. Hitler, hailed as a hero”] based on your actions today, the only thing you share with the other Hitler is the last name.
Alan Hitler: And unfortunately, some DNA. He’s my great uncle. But everyone’s got that embarrassing relative, right?
Randall Fields: Kind of.
Carol Kumdungeon: Randall, [Cut to Carol] I am sorry. I hate to interrupt Mr. Hitler who we admire so much, but Dr. Steel has some new information.
[Cut to Dr. Shayna Steel. She is standing with a young boy]
Dr. Shayna Steele: Moments ago a search team rescued this young boy who came to the change of name office by himself and didn’t tell his parents because he thought they would be mad. Mom, dad, rest easy. Holden Tudiks is safe. And mind I add, he is a great kid. Holdin Tuiks has got us all laughing down here. [Firefighter walks behind them laughing and clapping]
[Cut to Randall and two women victims]
Randall Fields: What a relief for those parents as I am sure they love Holden Tudiks more than anything else in the world. I’m here with two more folks able to get out, thanks to Mr. Hitler. This is Julia and I am not going to say her last name as it sounds very close to the N word.
Julia N: Yes. I should just say that well, it is spelled the same way, it’s actually pronounced like cigar.
Dr. Donna Diddadog: Right, but then it would sound like he’s saying the N word with a British accent.
Randall Fields: I do agree. Sound advice from–
Carol Kumdungeon0: Dr. Donna Diddadog.
Randall Fields: Alright. More with Julia N and Dr. Donna Diddadog, after the break. Carol, back to you.
[Cut to Carol]
Carol Kumdungeon: Thank you Randall. Coming up, more on the Situation Downtown where the mayor is scheduled to speak. Stay with us, for Action 9 news, I’m Carol Kumdungeon.