Princess… Zoë Kravitz
Frog… Chris Redd
Dr. Facilier… Kenan Thompson
Firefly… Andrew Dismukes[Starts with the channel intro]
Female voice: You’re watching Disney minus, the movies Disney doesn’t really promote as much. We now return to The Princess and the Frog.[Cut to the show]
Cecily: [singing] Tale as old as 09′
takes place in a bar
Princess finally black
Why the plot so wack
Princess and the Frog
Princess: I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I think I’ve fallen in love with a frog.
Frog: I know it’s crazy, right? I’m like this frog and you’re like this princess. But I guess it’s true what they say. Love is Love is love. I hope I’m not being too forward, Tiana, but will you kiss me?
Princess: Of course I will. Because love conquers all.
Frog: Exactly. You love me for me. You don’t care. And I’m a frog and frogs don’t have penises.
Princess: What was that?
Frog: It’s just a scientific fact. Frogs don’t have penises, but she don’t care. And that’s why I love you.
Princess: Yeah, for sure. And is that something that everybody just knows?
Frog: I think it’s out there. Yeah. It’s one of the first thing that comes out when you google frog penis. You know what? Let’s just kiss and get married. If we could tackle the whole no penis thing, lady.
Princess: Sorry. If you don’t have a penis, what do you have?
Frog: Oh, it’s every woman’s dream. I got balls that just shoot stuff directly on you. No pesky pain is getting in the way.
Princess: Oh, wow.
Frog: Yeah, it’s like they always say. Who needs a straw when I can just throw the milkshake right in your face? Now how about that kiss?
Princess: Yeah, I don’t know. I might have to rethink this a bit.
Frog: Oh, come on. Size doesn’t matter.
Princess: I think it does when it’s zero. How do you even have sex?
Frog: Oh, I’ll explain in great details. You see I climb on your back like this, and I wrap my arms around your body. And then I stay there for two days and I croak loudly in your ear until you lay your eggs. How many eggs do you lay typically?
Princess: I don’t lay eggs.
Frog: Oh, that could be a deal breaker.
Princess: You know, this never came up when we dissected frogs in high school. So…
Frog: You what?[Dr. Facilier walks in]
Dr. Facilier: Well, well, well, if it isn’t the prince that I cursed.
Frog: Oh, my God. It’s Captain Hook.
Dr. Facilier: What? No. I am Dr. Facilier, the Voodoo witch doctor from this movie.
Princess: So if I kiss this frog, he’ll transform back into a prince?
Dr. Facilier: Only if it’s true love.
Princess: Uh-huh. Uh-huh. And what would happen with his penis?
Dr. Facilier: What do you mean?
Princess: Well, apparently frogs don’t have them.
Dr. Facilier: The hell? How do they–
Princess: They just shoot out the nuts?
Frog: On the plus side, I can do oral from like five feet away.
Dr. Facilier: Well, I guess if he changed back to being a human, he would get his penis back.
Princess: Then let’s do it. Let’s kiss and join our souls forever.
Frog: And what if I didn’t have a penis before?
Frog: Like as a human before the curse. What if hypothetically, it got ripped clean off in a bowling alley? When she kisses me, would it grow back?
Dr. Facilier: A bowling alley?
Frog: I tried to hump the ball return machine as a joke. And the gears sort of tore it clean off.
Princess: Stop saying clean off.
Frog: If you saw it, you’d agree.
Dr. Facilier: Look, you let a weird frog dude. I don’t know what the hell is going on with you, but at least you a prince.
Frog: That’s right. The Prince of Newark, New Jersey.
Princess: Okay, I’m out.
Dr. Facilier: Yeah, even for voodoo, this is messed up.[A firefly flies in laughing]
Firefly: I reckon it’s about time I introduce myself. My name Ramo. But everybody around here call me Ray. I was the Cajun Firefly in the movie Princess Frog. I might be just about the worst Disney character ever created. Disney asked kids leaving the movie, “What do you think about Old Ray?” Every kid said, “Kill him. We don’t want to see oh Ray no place no way never again.” One time, they invited Old Ray to one of the character breakfasts over at the Disney World. They gave kids metal bats and said, “Go get him. Go kill Old Ray till he dead.” But don’t worry, then today Old Ray gonna be just fine–[Firefly gets eaten by the frog]
Frog: Oh, damn!