Chuck Dawes… Taran Killam
Herb Welsh… Bill Hader
Michael Fitzgerald… Pete Davidson
President of Abstinence Association… Cecily Strong[Starts with WXPD News, New York intro]
Announcer: You’re watching WXPD News, New York[Cut to Chuck Dawes in his news set]
Chuck Dawes: Good morning. I’m Chuck Dawes filling in for the Alin Jack Burns. Our top story today, a number of Staten Island teens have assembled in front of the high school to sign a virginity pledge. Federan reporter Herb Welsh is on the scene who today is celebrating his 6Chuck Dawesst year here at our network.[Cut to Herb Welsh]
Herb Welsh: Hello, Chuck. [cheers and applause] [Cut to split screen. Chuck Dawes on the left and Herb Welsh on the right.]
Chuck Dawes: Hello, Herb and congratulations. Now, tell us, what’s happening at the rally?[Cut to Herb Welsh. He is with Michael Fitzgerald]
Herb Welsh: I’m here with Michael Fitzgerald
Michael Fitzgerald: Hey, how you doing?
Herb Welsh: You don’t look like a Fitzgerald to me. Alright, what’s this all about?[Herb Welsh hits Michael Fitzgerald’s mouth with the mic]
Michael Fitzgerald: Um, we just feel like there’s too much pressure on teens these days. Like, sex wise.
Herb Welsh: You got a kid?[Herb Welsh hits Michael Fitzgerald’s mouth with the mic again]
Michael Fitzgerald: What? No, I’m a virgin.
Herb Welsh: Why do you have a diaper bag?[Herb Welsh hits Michael Fitzgerald’s mouth with the mic again]
Michael Fitzgerald: Um, it’s not a diaper bag. It’s just what I carry my books in.
Herb Welsh: And there you have it. Don’t believe the hype. Central Park remains unsafe for women after dark. Back to you Chuck.[Cut to the split screen]
Chuck Dawes: No! No! No, Herb, no! Come on!
Herb Welsh: What’s that? What happened?
Chuck Dawes: Ask him how many students are involved in taking the pledge.
Herb Welsh: I don’t take orders from Managans.
Chuck Dawes: Come on, Herb.
Herb Welsh: I know you’re smooth down there.[audience laughing] [Cut to Herb Welsh and Michael Fitzgerald]
How many?[Herb Welsh hits Michael Fitzgerald’s mouth with the mic again]
Michael Fitzgerald: How many what?
Herb Welsh: Oh, you scared of me? Big Nick?[Herb Welsh starts hitting Michael Fitzgerald with the mic]
Chuck Dawes: No! Hey! Hey![Cut to split screen]
Herb! Ask him if the pledge is affiliated with the school.
Herb Welsh: Stick a zag out of that side burns.
Chuck Dawes: Alright, dude, please, just ask the question.[Cut to Herb Welsh and Michael Fitzgerald]
Herb Welsh: Who started this thing?[Herb Welsh hits Michael Fitzgerald’s mouth with the mic again]
Michael Fitzgerald: Well, a couple of us, actually.
Herb Welsh: Spill the beans.[Herb Welsh hits Michael Fitzgerald’s mouth with the mic again] [President of Abstinence Association walks in and Michael Fitzgerald walks out]
President of Abstinence Association: Excuse me. I am the president of the school’s Abstinence Association.
Herb Welsh: Well, there you have it. The rest have a monkey in outer space. Back to you, Chuck.[Cut to split screen]
Chuck Dawes: No, Herb! Herb, why don’t you talk to that organizer?
Herb Welsh: Why didn’t your wife take your last name? [audience laughing] Coward.[Cut to Herb Welsh and President of Abstinence Association]
Hola, que pasa senorita?[Herb Welsh hits President of Abstinence Association’s mouth with the mic again]
President of Abstinence Association: Okay, the media and Tv have put too much emphasis on teenage sex for too long.[As President of Abstinence Association is trying to speak, Herb Welsh pulls the mic away.]
Herb Welsh: Well, there you have it folks. And when they go to the board room, Latin Americans are on the move.
Chuck Dawes: Wrong! [Cut to split screen] Herb! No! That is not what we’re doing, Herb.[Cut to Herb Welsh]
Herb Welsh: Don’t tell me how to do the news you drug store Indian![Herb Welsh walks up to the camera and starts hitting the camera with the mic.] [Cut to Chuck Dawes]
Chuck Dawes: Just cut away, please. All apologies to you at home. Up next, we’ll talk to a school administrator. [Chuck Dawes puts his finger in his ear and listen to his earphone.] But first some troubling news. We just received word that our own Herb Welsh has suffered a heart attack just Chuck Dawes5 seconds ago.[Cut to two security holding Herb Welsh, and Michael Fitzgerald is speaking to the camera.]
Michael Fitzgerald: I can’t believe he’s dead. It just happened so quick.
Herb Welsh: The show is over! [Herb Welsh was pretending to get the TV attention. He starts hitting Michael Fitzgerald again and again]