Steve Doocy… Taran Killam
Elisabeth Hasselbeck… Venessa Bayer
Brian Kilmeade… Bobby Moynihan
Jason Chaffetz… Pete Davidson
Debbie Wasserman Schultz… Kate McKinnon
[Starts with FOX & friends intro]
Female voice: You’re watching FOX & friends.
[Cut to Steve, Elisabeth and Brian in their set]
[cheers and applause]
Steve: Welcome back to FOX & friends. I’m Steve Doocy. And with me is usual Elisabeth Hasselbeck, Brian Kilmeade.
Elisabeth: Hi there.
Brian: Good morning.
Steve: Well, congress is having a few problems.
Elisabeth: What else is new?
Brian: Ha-ha-ha.
[Cut to Steve]
Steve: Ha-ha-ha. that’s so true. Now that representative Kevin McCarthy has withdrawn from the race for house speaker, the position is wide open.
[Cut to Brian]
Brian: Well, I don’t know why they don’t let them all speak.
[Cut to Steve]
Steve: Now, here’s something interesting actually. Um, you know that the speaker doesn’t actually have to be a member of congress? It can be anybody. Folks have thrown our names like Mitt Romney and Newt Gingrich.
[Cut to Brian]
Brian: Oh, I don’t know about him. That’s the man who stole Christmas.
[Cut to all]
Elisabeth: You know, I’d love to see Tim Tibow.
Steve: Oh, solid. Solid! What about Buzz Aldrin?
Elisabeth: Wow. That’s a real hero.
[Cut to Brian]
Brian: Yeah. Yeah. He is great in all three toy story movies. May I make a suggestion quickly?
[Cut to Steve]
Steve: Sure Brian.
[Cut to Brian]
Brian: May I humbly nominate the great president Ronald Regan for speaker of the house? I met Mr. Regan recently in Orlando, Florida at his home in the magnificent hall of presidence, and even though he had many visitors, he took the time to talk to me, Brian Kilmeade.
[Cut to Elisabeth and Brian]
Elisabeth: Brian. Brian!
Brian: Just crazy.
Elisabeth: I think you are in Disney World.
Brian: Whoo! Good think you warned me. That place is full of pirates.
[Cut to Steve]
Steve: Um, well, one person who has thrown his name out there for speaker is the congressman from Utah, Mr. Jason Chaffetz. He’s a little young but he feels he’s ready. [Cut to Jason Chaffetz in his office] And Mr. Chaffetz joins us now. Hello there.
Jason Chaffetz: Hey, Steve. Great to be on TV.
[Cut to split screen of Steve and Jason Chaffetz]
Steve: Ha-ha-ha. Now, Mr. Chaffetz, you’re a rising star after your bold showing at the planned parenthood hearings.
Jason Chaffetz: Oh, thanks. You see those? I talked more than anybody.
[Elisabeth appears at the place of Steve]
Elisabeth: Yeah, you sure did. And did you know that as speaker, you’d be third in line for the presidency?
[Jason Chaffetz freezes]
Jason Chaffetz: For real?
Elisabeth: Yea, it’s true.
Jason Chaffetz: Wow, that’s amazing. But you know what? I’m ready, I’m able, I’m gonna win this thing.
Elisabeth: We’ve heard that Paul Ryan might run.
Jason Chaffetz: Oh. [thinks for a moment] Okay, I’m gonna lose this thing. That guy is a lot more qualified than me. He can bench like, 150. Sorry for wasting your time.
[Cut to Steve]
Steve: Hey, not a problem. Well, this stems from the republican effort to defund planned parenthood.
[Cut to all]
Elisabeth: Those videos are shocking. Did you know that they’re selling baby parts on snapchat.
Steve: It’s outrageous.
[Cut to Brian]
Brian: Well, I saw the video and it is stomach turning. I mean, the way that rat dragged that baby down the stairs. Disgusting.
[Cut to all]
Steve: No, no, Brian. You’re talking about pizza rat again.
[Brian is laughing hard]
Brian: Well, I just love em’. I wish I had me some flour pizza.
Steve: We know, you say it all the time. Joining us now, is a woman who has been shame fully defunding planned parenthood. [Cut to Debbie Wasserman Schultz in her office] Congresswoman Debbie Wasserman Schultz.
Debbie Wasserman Schultz: Hi, Steve, Elisabeth, Brian. It’s a pleasure to not be there in person.
[Cut to split screen of Elisabeth and Debbie Wasserman Schultz]
Elisabeth: Debbie, are you really defending an organization that sells babies the way that KFC sells chicken?
[Debbie Wasserman Schultz is yawning]
Debbie Wasserman Schultz: Elisabeth, you know that’s not true. Let me ask you Elisabeth, do you want to get into a legal battle with a woman named Debbie Wasserman Schultz? My name sounds like a law firm.
Elisabeth: Okay, Debbie, there is no need to–
Debbie Wasserman Schultz: You really wanna take on planned parenthood, Elizabeth? I will put all three of your heads in mammogram machine and squish em’ like pancakes and serve them.
[Steve appears in place of Elisabeth]
Steve: Oh, oh, oh, oh! Debbie, you’re being hysterical.
Debbie Wasserman Schultz: I will smack your upside the head with a transvaginal wand. Wasserman Schultz does not play around. Have you considered what might happen when you mess with millions of women? You know when a bachelorette party walks into a bar, it just blows the place up. It’s gonna be like that. But instead of a bar, it’s America. We’re organized, we’re pissed, and we’re all looking for a pap smear. Wasserman out!
[Cut to the Steve, Elisabeth and Brian. Brian is clapping.]
Brian: Yayyy! Yayyy!
Elisabeth: Brian, please!
[Cut to Brian]
Brian: I’m sorry. I always agree with whoever is the loudest.
[Cut to Steve]
Steve: Alright, you know what? Why don’t we take a break? But before we go, we’ve got a quick list of corrections from our first hour.
[music playing]
[Corrections appear on the screen like post credits.]
Corrections: iPads are not “just for women.”
Bernie Sanders is not the founder of KFC.
Tom Hanks did not play Martin Luther King in Selma.
There is no emoji for “illegal immigrant.”
Magic Johnson is not a warlock
Safeway is a supermarket chain, not the slang word for abstinence.
Sneezing is not an effective form of birth control.
“Pac Man Fever” did not kill 400,000 children in the 80s.
Jewish people do exist.
Billy Bush is not a presidential candidate.
“Kokomo” is a Beach Boys song; “Guantanamo” is a US detention came.
Twins are not the result of group sex.
The black Market is not where African-Americans buy their produce
Obama is not a former member of Jodeci
Charles Schultz didn’t die from a Peanuts allergy
People who are colorblind can see Tom Green
John Stamos isn’t the Greek God of Yogurt
Ronald Reagan’s heart is not at the bottom of a volcano
On Fridays during Lent, Catholics can still listen to Meatloaf
Donald Trump has no plans to deport Speedy Gonzalez
SeaWorld is not a Kevin Costner movie.
Muslims are allowed to be girls.
King Cobras are not elected.
Mass shootings are not necessarily only on Massachusetts.
The water on Mars isn’t bottled.
An IUD does not explode inside of a woman.
Obama’s oldest daughter is named Malia, not Syria
Bernie Sanders not related to Santa Claus
[Cut to Brian]
Brian: We’ll see you after this quick break. And…
[Elisabeth and Steve come in]
All: Live from New York, it’s Saturday night!