Judge Marlene Wett… Aidy Bryant
Judge Christina Miami… Emma Thompson
Judge Linda Christina… Kate McKinnon
Nick Jonas
Joe Jonas
Kevin Jonas
Heidi Gardner
Melissa Villaseñor
Kyle Mooney
Chris Redd
[Starts with an intro]
Narrator: When people do wrong—
Judge Marlene Wett: You’re wrong!
Narrator: You need someone you can trust.
Judge Christina Miami: Oh, please.
Narrator: Or how about some three?
Judge Linda Christina: You’re going to jail.
[Cut to all three judges]
Narrator: For people who like judge Judy but wish it was way less complicated, it’s judge court. Hi. Hi. Hello. Welcome to Judge court.
[Cut to running case in the court]
Judge Linda Christina: Yes, Hi. Hello.
Judge Christina Miami: Welcome to Judge Court.
Judge Marlene Wett: Okay. What’s your problem? Go ahead.
[Cut to Heidy Gardner]
Heidy Gardner: Okay, I rented an apartment for 8 months in 2016. In that time, I did not have a bathtub. So I’m seeing recompense for the bathtub.
[Cut to Kyle Mooney]
Kyle Mooney: And I’m saying that’s BS.
[Cut to the judges]
Judge Linda Christina: Excuse me. Mr. Landlord, how old are you?
[Cut to Kyle]
Kyle Mooney: Um, 30.
[Cut to the judges]
Judge Marlene Wett: Okay. That is too young.
All the judges: Yes, you’re going to jail. You’re going to jail.
[Cut to Kyle]
Kyle Mooney: Wait, what?
[Cut to video bumper]
Narrator: Judge court. It’s the only courtroom with three judges. Linda Christina. Christina Miami. And Marlene Wet. They tied for last place in their law school class and they’re best friends who have dinner every night.
[Cut to the judges]
Judge Marlene Wett: Okay. Say your issue, please.
[Cut to Melissa Villaseñor]
Melissa Villaseñor: His dog bit me.
[Cut to Chris Redd]
Chris Redd: And he was hungry.
[Cut to the judges]
Judge Christina Miami: Enough. We have a verdict.
Judge Linda Christina:The dog is entitled to an all expenses paid dinner at Buca Di Beppo.
Judge Marlene Wett: That’s right, the dog is going to dinner with us and you are going to jail.
[Cut to Melissa Villaseñor]
Melissa Villaseñor: What? Why?
[Cut to the judges]
Judge Christina Miami: Excuse me. You do not in here to her.
[Cut to Melissa Villaseñor]
Melissa Villaseñor: Do what?
[Cut to the judges]
Judge Christina Miami: Listen to me. Listen to me! You see this woman? [All judges pointing each other] This woman. Do you see this woman right here? Do you see her?
[Cut to Melissa Villaseñor]
Melissa Villaseñor: Yeah, yeah, I see her.
[Cut to the judges]
Judge Christina Miami: This woman gave me $10,000 so I could get my painfully shy son a sex pillow for his birthday.
Judge Linda Christina: You see this woman? She dresses me every morning. I fight her the whole way but she does it.
Judge Marlene Wett: You know what? When I was choking on a hard candy, this woman sucked it out through my ass. Okay? It was all—and she was – I was naked of course.
[Cut to Melissa Villaseñor]
Melissa Villaseñor: Can I just go to jail?
[Cut to the judges]
Judge Linda Christina: When I pee, she wipes.
Judge Christina Miami: When I cry, she screams.
Judge Marlene Wett: And when I need to wake up, she shoots her gun.
[Cut to Melissa Villaseñor]
Melissa Villaseñor: Are we still doing my case?
[Cut to the judges]
Judge Linda Christina: Yeah, yeah, we solved it.
Judge Marlene Wett: Yeah, we release you for your own renaissance.
Judge Christina Miami: Go.
Narrator: Don’t worry. What these ladies lack in understanding of the law, they make up for in catchphrases.
Judge Marlene Wett: Eat dirt.
Judge Christina Miami: Don’t hold my breath.
Judge Linda Christina: Don’t give me boogers and tell me it’s broccoli.
Judge Christina Miami: I think I’m getting off on this.
Judge Marlene Wett: You dumb bitch.
[Cut to the judges]
Judge Christina Miami: All right, speak up. If you mumble, you’re going to jail.
[Cut to Alex Moffat]
Alex Moffat: Okay. Well, these three boys threw a house party in my vacation rental and cost $5 million in damages and now my house is just a burning crater.
[Cut to Jonas Brothers]
Joe Jonas: We’re sorry, ma’ams.
Kevin Jonas: We were just boys having fun.
Nick Jonas: But that fun knocked down the house. And that’s not okay.
[Cut to the judges]
Judge Christina Miami: In your words, what the hell happened?
[Cut to Jonas Brothers]
Joe Jonas: Well, I spilled the snacks.
Kevin Jonas: I brought my skateboard into the living room.
Nick Jonas: And then, I set the house on fire.
Jonas Brothers: We accept the consequences of our horseplay.
[Cut to the judges]
Judge Marlene Wett: Okay. That is it. I cannot take it anymore. You are my sons.
Judge Linda Christina: You’re all our sons.
Judge Christina Miami:God, you are perfect.
[Cut to Jonas Brothers]
Joe Jonas: We’re not going to jail?
[Cut to the judges]
Judge Marlene Wett: No, no. We’re all going to dinner. Where’s that dog? Where’s the dog?
[Ends with an outro]
Judge court. On every day for 100 years.