Michael Che[Starts with Weekend Update intro]
Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]
Colin Jost: Thank you. Good evening everyone.
Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.
Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a calendar marking second week of October at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: This week was mental illness awareness week and trust me, we’re aware. [Picture changes to Donald Trump] Present and active bio-weapon Donald Trump took his doctors hostage and broke out of the hospital like Sarah Conor in Terminator II. And I guess he must have been in a Coma and thought that year was 2016 because he started demanding Hillary’s emails and for the feds to arrest Obama. And then he released series of odd videos from the White House that started like this.[Cut to a video of Donald Trump speaking]
Donald Trump: Perhaps you recognized me. It’s your favorite president.[Cut to Colin Jost]
Colin Jost: Actually, I barely recognize you because your make up artist seems to have given you the Dolezal. And also, why does it look like there’s a green screen behind you? It’s a little suspicious when you green screen yourself into the place where you already are. It looks like you’re shooting a commercial for Staten Island wedding venue. “Make all your romantic dreams come true at the White House. Wanna do a big ass wedding with no masks? The White House.”[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at right top corner.]
Michael Che: President Trump claimed to have survived the coronavirus. [disappointed] Yay. I’m not gonna say I’m disappointed, but it kind of feels like when there’s a car crash and the only survivor is the drunk driver. Trump said him getting covid was “a blessing” from god and I bet even god was like, “Hey, we tried, guys.” Actually, maybe we should be more optimistic about this. I mean there’s two ways we can look at it. Either Trump’s telling the truth and we finally have a cure for covid. Or Trump is lying and he’s still gonna die. I’m not gonna say that’s a win-win but it’s definitely not a lose-lose. No?[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: I also have to say it’s amazing to watch a guy have a near death experience and learn nothing from it. It’s like watching someone smoke through the hole in their neck. In fact, Trump is now trying to convince Americans that covid actually makes you stronger and that it made him feel better than he did 20 years ago. So he went from ‘covid is a hoax’ to ‘covid will disappear one day like a miracle’ and now he’s like ‘actually, covid is the miracle and it was inside of us all along.’ But hey, if getting covid is good, then his supporters are in luck because this was him in a rally last week when he had corona.[Cut to Donald Trump throwing off hats at his rally.] [Cut to Colin Jost]
Colin Jost: Come on, look at him. He’s like an evil Oprah. [Cut to Donald Trump throwing off hats at his rally.] You’re getting covid. You’re getting covid. You’re getting covid. [Cut to Colin Jost] And look under your seats, it’s a ventilator.[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at right top corner.]
Michael Che: It was a dark show. President Trump said that therapeutic drug from Regeneron which is derived from stem cells is a cure for covid, which seems unlikely unfounded irresponsible and I can’t wait to buy thousand shares of Regeneron baby juice stock. I call it baby juice. It’s kind of funny that these old republicans are so anti-abortion when it comes to everybody else, but then they do a complete 180 as soon as stem cells can save their lives or when I get their daughter pregnant.