Colin Jost
Michael Che
[Starts with Weekend Update intro]Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.
[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]Colin Jost: Thank you. Good evening everyone.
Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.
Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.
[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of a graph at left top corner.]This week the national unemployment rate held steady at 4% while the White House unemployment rose to all of them. [Picture changes to everybody who resigned or were fired.] The crazy thing is I’m starting to feel sorry for all these people Trump is firing even though I thought they were terrible at their jobs. I mean, six months ago, could you have imagined thinking, “Hang in there, Jeff Sessions.”
[Picture changes to Andrew McCabe]Latest victim was former FBI deputy director Andrew McCabe who was fired two days before he was set to retire on his 50th birthday so he couldn’t collect his full pension. Damn, man. That’s cold. I men even the Joker [Picture changes to the Joker from Batman] is like, “You don’t treat people like that.” I love that Trump is being extra mean to the FBI guy who is definitely going to testify against him. It’s like walking in and announcing to a whole restaurant that you’re not tipping anyone before they make your food.
[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of RexMichael Che: President Trump fired secretary of state Rex Tillerson and replaced him with CIA director Mike Pompeo. Tillerson will return to his previous job as the eagle from ‘The Muppets.’
[Picture changes to the White House]Insiders are saying that more major staff shakeups could be coming to the White House. Trump is firing people like he’s trying to get us under the salary cap or something. It is kind of little too late. It’s like when those Domino’s commercial say, “Ay, Domino’s, we’re making some changes.” And you’re like, “Yeah, but just still Domino’s.”
[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Robert Mueller at left top corner.]Colin Jost: It was reported that special council Robert Mueller has subpoenaed documents from the Trump organization. By the way, Trump organization is maybe the greatest oxymoron in history. Have you ever seen Trump’s desk? [Picture changes to Donald Trump working on a messy desk.] He’s just a full hoarder. Good luck finding Russian evidence under some old McDonald’s wrappers, a pile of unsigned non-disclosure agreements and macaroni father’s day card from Eric.
[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Stormy Daniels at right top corner.]Michael Che: Stormy Daniels has offered to return the $130,000 that she was paid so that she can release any text, photos or videos she has with Donald Trump. For what? So, this lady is trying to show us revenge porn of a grandpa and we’re just okay with that? I mean what are you expecting to see? What if it’s good? Are you prepared for that? Are you prepared? Are you prepared to see Donald Trump tear up some ass? I mean he’s 63 and dumb as rock. You don’t know what he’s working with down there.
[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s are logos of different news channels and papers at left top corner.]Colin Jost: Also, by the way, can the media please stop getting us all riled up with headlines like, “Will pornstar bring down president?” “Is Mueller moving in for the kill?” Just stop teasing us if there’s no payoff. I’ll tell the media the same thing I told my high school girlfriend. I’m totally fine waiting, but you gotta stop rubbing the outside of my pants.