Colin Jost
Linus Minus… Mikey Day
Roy… Kenan Thompson
[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]Colin Jost: A new stage show from world renowned hypnotist Linus Minus is quickly becoming the talk of Broadway’s reopening. Here with more is Linus Minus and his volunteer, Roy.
[Linus Minus and Roy slide in]Linus Minus: Hello. Yes. I found a volunteer to be hypnotized on your show. He’s a member of your security staff here at Saturday Night Live.
Colin Jost: Yeah. Hey, Roy, how are you feeling? Nervous?
Roy: Oh, no, man. This little silly magic is not going to work on me, Jack!
Linus Minus: Okay. Well, humor me, Roy, and imagine yourself on a cloud. And as I count down from five, Roy, you sleep further into that cloud. Five, four, you’re falling Roy, three, two, falling deeper Roy, one, and sleep. [snaps his finger] [Roy sleeps]
Alright. Now, Roy is in state of suggestive hypnosis. Meaning– [Roy drops his hands down] Okay. Oh, dear.
Colin Jost: Is everything okay?
Linus Minus: I think he was a little too relaxed. And he tinkled just a little bit. I apologize but we’ll have to cut this short. Roy, when you hear wake, you will return to the state of active consciousness. And wake. [snaps his finger]
Roy: Oh, woo! Where my pants went? You made me piss myself on live TV? [goes for Linus Minus’s throat] You son of a–
Linus Minus: [snaps his finger] Sleep. [Roy sleeps]
Colin Jost: Why did you put him back to sleep again?
Linus Minus: Well, he grabbed me, as you saw. And I felt a bit scared for my life. So, Roy, when you hear wake, you will be happy about what’s going on in your pants. Happy. And [snaps his finger] wake.
Roy: Oh, what you doing feels so good, Zendaya.
Linus Minus: And sleep. [Roy sleeps] Oopsie. Roy made the source of happiness a sexual fantasy with Zendaya.
Colin Jost: Yes. I feel like you should maybe get Roy off stage, okay?
Linus Minus: I’m trying, Colin. Roy, when you hear wake, Zendaya is gone. She is not here. And wake.
Roy: Ay, where Zendaya at? What did you do with Zendaya, you sick son of a–
Linus Minus: Sleep. [Roy sleeps] Roy, I didn’t do anything to Zendaya. I am not the reason Zendaya isn’t here, Roy. And wake.
Roy: Oh no! I killed Zendaya. And I pissed my pants. Help! Help!
Linus Minus: Sleep. [Roy sleeps] Okay. One more time. Roy, on wake, your pants are not wet, they’re dry. Zendaya is not here but Zendaya is alive and safe. You are calm. You are just at work, Roy. You’re doing your normal job and a security guard for Saturday Night Live. And wake. How do you feel?
Roy: Great. I think I should get back to work though. Ay, Michael Che, tell them strippers in your dressing room to put some masks on, man.
Michael Che: Ay! Sleep! [Linus Minus sleeps]
Colin Jost: Linus Minus and Roy, everyone. For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.
Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.