The Jungle

Shortlong… Pete Davidson

Dr. Bones… Dwayne Johnson

Ms. Reece… Kate McKinnon

Tribal man… Kyle Mooney, Beck Bennett

[Starts with TNT Movie Night intro]

Male voice: You’re watching TNT Movie Night. And now, back to the 1983 classic, Escape from Jungle Island.

[Cut to three people in the jungle]

Shortlong: Dr. Bones! Dr. Bones! Look! The Forbidden Temple of lost souls.

Dr. Bones: Excellent work, Shortlong. And you were a very talented translator Mrs. Reece.

Ms. Reece: Actually, it’s Ms. Reece, Dr. Bones. [Ms. Reece is feeling Dr. Bones’s muscles] I hope we share many more adventures together.

Dr. Bones: Well, let’s keep it professional, Ms. Reece. We have to retreat the priceless Yulu-Yulu crystal and get off the jungle island. There’s gotta be a lever here. There’s always a lever.

[Cut to a tribal man in the bush]

Tribal man: Uma-Uma-Uma. [Tribal man shoots Shortlong with a dart on Shortlong’s neck.] [Cut to Shortlong and Dr. Bones]

Shortlong: Dr. Bones! Dr. Bones. I’ve been hit by a poisonous dart.

Dr. Bones: Shortlong, no!

Shortlong: This is the end of the line for me, Dr. Bones. I’m a goner.

Dr. Bones: Shortlong, you still have a chance. I’ll suck the poison out.

[Dr. Bones is sucking Shortlong’s neck.] [Cut to Ms. Reece]

Ms. Reece: Oh, sweet kiss!

[Cut to Dr. Bones and Shortlong. Dr. Bones sucks the poison out of Shortlong’s neck. Shortlong survives.]

Dr. Bones: There. Feel better, Shortlong?

Shortlong: Dr. Bones. You saved my life.

Dr. Bones: Ah! Well, I’d do the same thing for all my friends.

[Cut to Ms. Reece]

Ms. Reece: Really? Oh, well. [Ms. Reece acts as she’s been hit by a dart on her lips] Oh, no. I’m hit too. Right on my soft lips. You both heard it. Oh!

[Cut to everybody]

Shortlong: I don’t see a dart, Ms. Reece.

Ms. Reece: Ya, but you’re just a guy. Maybe Dr. Boner should look.

Dr. Bones: It was probably a mosquito.

[Cut to another tribal man in the bush]

Tribal man: Bali-bali-bali. [Tribal man shoots Shortlong with a dart on Dr. Bones’s chest.] [Cut to everybody]

Dr. Bones: Ah! I’m hit. I’m hit right in the chest.

[Cut to Ms. Reece]

Ms. Reece: Oh, I’ll suck it out. Me!

[Cut to everybody]

Shortlong: No, no, no, no! Ms. Reece. Dr. Bones saved my life. Now, I must return the favor. It’s guy code.

Dr. Bones: Shortlong, do you see the wound?

Shortlong: No.

[Dr. Bones is unbottoning his shirt.]

Dr. Bones: How about now?

Shortlong: No.

Dr. Bones: How about now?

Shortlong: Ah! He hit you right on the nipple.

Dr. Bones: Oh! Quick! Shortlong!

[Cut to Ms. Reece]

Ms. Reece: Oh, give me! Give me!

Dr. Bones: Suck the poison out with your mouth.

[Cut to Shortlong sucking on Dr. Bones’s nipple] [Cut to Ms. Reece]

Ms. Reece: Wait! What if you blow into that nipple while I suck on the other one? Will that work? Let me try that, please?

[Cut to Shortlong, Dr. Bones and Ms. Reece]

Shortlong: Already done.

Dr. Bones: Shortlong, you’re a true friend.

[Cut to Ms. Reece]

Ms. Reece: Are you sure you got all the poison? Someone should check to make sure–

[Cut to Shortlong, Dr. Bones and Ms. Reece]

Shortlong: Good idea, Ms. Reece.

[Shortlong sucks on Dr. Bones’s nipple again] [Shortlong spits out]

There you go. I got it all.

Dr. Bones: Now, let’s open this door and retrieve that crystal.

[Cut to a tribal man in the bush]

Tribal man: Feti-feti-feti-feti. [Tribal man shoots Shortlong with a dart on Dr. Bones’s butt.] [Cut to Shortlong, Dr. Bones and Ms. Reece]

Dr. Bones: Ah! He hit me in the rear!

[Cut to Ms. Reece]

Ms. Reece: Oh, damn! I got you.

[Cut to Shortlong, Dr. Bones and Ms. Reece]

Shortlong: No, no, no, Ms. Reece. I’m close to Dr. Bone. By the time you get over here, the poison will enter his blood stream.

Dr. Bones: He’s right, Ms. Reece. I appreciate you trying to help. But it has to be Shortlong. He’s slightly closer and time is of the essence.

[Shortlong sucks poison out of Dr. Bones’s butt.] [Cut to Ms. Reece]

Ms. Reece: I can hold his butt firmly for you, you know? So you can just focus on getting the poison out.

[Cut to Shortlong and Dr. Bones]

Shortlong: Oh, there’s so much poison Dr. Bones.

Dr. Bones: Don’t stop sucking Shortlong until it’s all out.

[Cut to Ms. Reece]

Ms. Reece: Um, we can take shifts. I go now, you go when I’m done tomorrow.

[Cut to Shortlong and Dr. Bones]

Shortlong: Already done. It was so hard to get a good seal. His skin is so tight!

[Cut to Shortlong, Dr. Bones and Ms. Reece]

Dr. Bones: I owe you one, Shortlong.

[Cut to two tribal men]

Tribal men: Dali-dali-dali!

[Cut to Shortlong, Dr. Bones and Ms. Reece]

Ms. Reece: Aim over here, and I’ll make you very rich men.

[Tribal men shoot Shortlong and Dr. Bones with a dart on their penis.] [Cut to Shortlong, Dr. Bones and Ms. Reece]

Dr. Bones: Ah! We both were shot right between the legs.

[Cut to Ms. Reece]

Ms. Reece: Oh, no! And it all falls on me because only one can be saved. Oh, no! [Cut to Shortlong, Dr. Bones and Ms. Reece] Farewell brave Shortlong.

Dr. Bones: No! We can save each other. Shorlong, quick! Cartwheel up to me.

[Shortlong and Dr. Bones are sucking on each other cartwheeling.]

Ms. Reece: Let me in there! Let me in there!

Dr. Bones: They’ll be out in 15 minutes.

[Shortlong and Dr. Bones leave and the tribal men come and take Ms. Reece away.]