Dana Millbrook… Tina Fey
Director… Mikey Day
MUA… Kyle Mooney[Starts with “Dateline” show video bumper] [Cut to Dana in her studio set]
Dana: I’m Dana Millbrook. Everyday, millions of perverts attempt to buy sex online. It’s a disgusting industry that fuels human trafficking and we’re doing our part to stop it. This is pervert hunters.[Cut to a guy getting in a kitchen. The video is taken by a hidden camera.]
Dana narrating: This creep thinks he’s meeting a Romanian prostitute name Svetla. Let’s see what happens when he meets me instead.
Guy: Hello? Svetla?[Dana walks in]
Dana: Hi, there. Why don’t you have a seat?
Guy: Um, wait, who are you?
Dana: We’ll get to that. What’s in the bag?
Guy: Um, none of your business.
Dana: Hmm. [looks through the bag] Looks like beer, condoms and what’s this? Cookies? Hmm. I wonder if they serve jukies in cail– Oh! Crap.
Director: And cut!
Dana: Sorry, cookies in jail. Duh! So sorry.[Director walks in]
Director: No, no. It’s fine. It’s fine. [meeting Guy] Hi, I’m Mitch. The director.
Guy: A director? What is this?
Dana: Oh, you’re on a pervert show. it’s “Pervert Hunters.”
Guy: Pervert Hunters? The show where they catch online creeps?
Dana: Yeah. You’re the creep we’re catching in this episode.
Director: Yeah. And we need to get that entrance again.
Guy: Oh, god.
Director: Because someone has a big old logo on their shirt. [Guy is wearing Jack Daniel’s shirt] I will have to blurr. Go ahead and just zip up this hoodie.
Guy: Ah! I made a mistake. I didn’t– I won’t do it again. Please.
Director: Oh, my god. I love that energy. I love it. Save that. But let’s get that entrance again and then we can talk about how you’re not guilty. Okay?
Dana: And Mitch, I might change my entrance. I didn’t love it.
Director: Okay. All good. But Dana, what am I going to remind you?
Dana: Get out of my head.[Guy walks outside with his bag to do the entrance again.]
Director: Thank you. Pervert, whenever you’re ready, okay? Ready, and action![Guy walks in.]
Guy: [sobbing] Hello, Svetla.
Director: Cut. Dana, can you–
Dana: Yeah, I’m on it. Pervert, remember. At this point you still think you’re gonna have sex with the prostitute. So, no crying.
Guy: I’m sorry. I’m not like an actor or–
Dana: Oh, you’re doing great.
Guy: Oh, thanks.
Director: Okay. No crying this time, pervert. [Guy walks out again] And action![Guy walks in]
Guy: Svetla? Hello?
Director: Perfect.[Dana walks in]
Dana: Svetla will have to take a rain check. Have a seat.
Guy: Wait. Who are you?
Director: Cut! So, sorry. I just wanna move you so your face is towards camera. Okay. And actually, his face is a little shiny. Can we get some make up?[Make up artist walks in and does the make up on Guy]
MUA: Oh my god, Mitch! This pervert is sweating a lot.
Guy: Sorry. I–
Director: Well, we’ll just shoot around it, okay? We gotta move. We’re losing light. Okay? And action!
Dana: So, what’s in the bag?
Guy: None of your business. I’m sorry. Can we cut?
Dana: What’s wrong? I thought that was great.
Guy: Well, at this point in the show, I don’t know who you are, right?
Dana: No. Not yet.
Guy: Okay. Then I wanna do that a little differently. Could you give me the line into it?
Dana: Yeah, of course. Maybe do three in a row.
Guy: Oh, yeah. Sure.
Director: And action!
Dana: What’s in the bag?
Guy: [softly] None of your business. [raising voice a little] None of your business. [different voice] None of your business. I just want to give options.
Dana: Yeah. Second one was great. Looks like beer, condoms and what’s this? Cookies? I wonder if they serve cookies in jail. [laughs] Sorry.
Director: Okay, cut.[Dana and Guy are laughing]
Dana: You know, I’m sorry. I just remembered how I messed it up before. It got me–
Guy: You got me started. I’m sorry. Ha-ha-ha.
Director: Okay, I love that you guys are having fun. Okay? But we need to get this before our next pervert.
Dana: Sorry. Serious. Serious. Okay.
Director: Okay. No giggles this time, you two. And action.
Dana: I wonder if they serve cookies in jail.
Guy: All never do it again. It’s just that, well, I’m a lonely man. And I was weak. I’m sorry.
Dana: Save it for a judge, creep.
Director: And cut! I think we got it. Wow. Pervert, I really felt something there at the end. That’s amazing.
Guy: Thanks. Thank you so much. That ‘save it for the judge’ line. That was amazing.
Dana: No. That was all you. You brought that line out of me.
Director: Well, I think that’s a wrap on our pervert.[everyone clapping]
Guy: Ha-ah. Stop that. Come on, guys. Thank you so much. Seriously. I’ll be watching.
Dana: Aw, one more time for our pervert.
Director: Yeah.[everyone clapping]
Guy: Alright, see ya’.[Guy walks out the door. Two policemen jump on him as soon as he gets out.]
Police: Get on the ground, creep!