Michael Che[Starts with Weekend Update intro]
Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]
Colin Jost: Thank you. Good evening everyone.
Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.
Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a pictures of Herschel Walker and DeniDr. Oz at left top corner.]
While the midterms are only a month away, and is it just me or some candidates trying to lose? Let’s start a Pennsylvania with Dr. Oz, seen here telling the audience how many minutes he’s lived in Pennsylvania. [Dr. Oz is showing his five fingers.] A review of scientific studies published by Dr. Oz [picture changes to an article that says “Experiments kill over 300 dogs”] revealed that his experiments killed over 300 dogs, but eventually he got the recipe right. [picture changes to a box of Dr. Oz’s meatballs] Dr. Oz has refused to comment on the report that his research killed over 300 Dogs, though it’s possible he couldn’t hear the question over the woodchipper.
But don’t worry. Dr. Oz won everybody back last night when he gave his speech in front of Hitler’s car. Worse, He then got into the car and backed over a dog.[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Herschel Walker at right top corner.]
Michael Che: Georgia Senate candidate Herschel Walker denied reports that he paid for a girlfriend’s abortion saying “I sent money to a lot of people” before adding “You know, for abortions.” After news broke that Walker paid for his ex girlfriend’s abortion, he raised more than $500,000 because dollars are the only thing Walker is willing to raise.[Cut to . There’s a picture of Ron DeSantis at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: Florida governor and Dallas Cowboys cheerleader Ron DeSantis explained why so many residents fail to evacuate saying “Some people just don’t want to leave their homes, which is why sometimes you have to trick them onto a plane to Martha’s Vineyard.” [picture changes to an article that says “DeSantis flies migrants to Martha’s Vineyard”] [Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Stewart Rhodes at right top corner]
Michael Che: During the trial of Oathkeepers founders Stewart Rhodes whose beard is patchier then his eye, prosecuters played a recording of him saying that his only regret about the January 6 attacks was not bringing rifles, which sounds like an obvious confession of guilt. But try looking at things from Rhodes’s perspective with little to no depth perception.[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Joe Biden at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: This week, President Biden pardoned thousands of convicted marijuana users and it feels like maybe he celebrated with them a little because yesterday, Biden gave a speech at a car factory and opened with this.[Cut to Joe Biden’s speech opening]
Joe Biden: I’m gonna start off with two words – “Made in America”.
Colin Jost: Wow, well let me respond with two words, Jesus H Christ. Biden was then heard criticizing reporters at the White House for shouting questions at him, questions like “What year is it?” and “Who’s the current president?” Also they weren’t reporters, they were doctors.[Cut to Michael Che. There are picture of Kanye West and Tucker Carlson at right top corner.]
Michael Che: Kanye West appeared on Tucker Carlson show to defend wearing a white lives matter shirt claiming he wore the shirt because he was using a gut instinct. But what he’s definitely not using are the meds prescribed to him.[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s an article that says “Pilot draws queen portrait with flight path” at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: A British pilot created the largest ever portrait of Queen Elizabeth by drawing her outline on a flight path over the country. Let’s see a picture. [picture changes to a very badly drawn face on sky] Wow, that’s a stunning likeness. She always was smiling.[Picture changes to Planned Parenthood logo]
Planned Parenthood says it will soon open its first mobile abortion clinic in the country, which will make it easier to provide care to patients anywhere in the country that Herschel Walker has visited.