Colin Jost
Michael Che
[Starts with Weekend Update intro]Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.
[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]Colin Jost: Thank you. Good evening everyone.
Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.
Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.
[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]You know, I got to admit, president Trump had a pretty good week. He helped secure the release of three American prisoners from North Korea and when he greeted them at the airport, he didn’t even say, “Wait, I thought they were Americans.” Trump bragged that him greeting the prisoners was probably the highest ever television ratings for three o’clock in the morning which is not true. The three AM ratings record was set on election night by liberals hoping they were being pranked.
[Cut to Michael Che. There are pictures of Donald Trump and few news articles at right top corner.]Michael Che: I mean, sure. This has been a decent week for Donald Trump. The same way a decent date with R. Kelly is go home dry. Personally, I don’t like when Trump is this quiet. It’s like when I’m baby sitting my nephew and he is quiet for too long and I’m like, “Oh, no. He’s eating out that little box again.”
[Picture changes to Michael Cohen and AT&T logo.]According to a report, Michael Cohen was paid $600,000 by AT&T to advise them on $85 billion merger. AT&T could not be reached for comment because they use AT&T.
[Cut to Colin Jost. There are pictures of Michael Cohen, AT&T logo, KAI logo and NOVARTIS logo at left top corner.]Colin Jost: It’s really funny to me that all these companies were paying Michael Cohen, this guy, for intelligence. He’s like if the word ‘Der’ became a person. This is true. Cohen named his Shell company “Essential Consultatns” which could not sound more fake. It’s like a place George Costanza would pretend to work at. [Picture changes to Donald Trump and Robert Mueller] Meanwhile, president Trump attacked the Russian investigation and insisted that obstruction of justice as “a made up phony crime.” Oh, the crime you’re accused of? That’s one’s made up? It’s funny when it comes to immigration, Trump is like, “The law is the law.” But when it comes to himself, he’s like, “Law’s aren’t real. They’re just stories we make up to scare poor people.”
[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at right top corner.]Michael Che: President Trump announced that he would be withdrawing the US from the Iran nuclear deal. And look, I’m not gonna pretend I know anything about the Iran deal. But Trump is. And you know the only part of that deal Trump has read was the signature on the bottom that said, “Barack Obama.” That’s all he needed. Trump is undoing so much Obama’s work that Obama is going to start fading away in pictures like “Back To The Future.”
[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Rudy Giuliani at left top corner.]Colin Jost: Rudy Giuliani has resigned from his law firm to be president Trump’s attorney full time. His first task will be to undo all the damage he did working part time.
[Picture changes to Jeff Sessions.]Attorney General Jeff Sessions announced that undocumented parents entering the US would be separated from their children. Unless they can guess that is real name is Rumpelstiltskin.
[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Melania Trump speaking at a podium.]Michael Che: First Lady Melania Trump or as I’ve been calling her sexy ass Michael Jackson launched a campaign to stop cyber bullying called “Be Best” as in, “It would be best if you got a divorce.”