Dad… JJ Watt
Brandon… Kyle Mooney
Mom… Aidy Bryant
[Starts with a father knocking at his son’ts door]
Dad: You in there sport?
Brandon: [on the phone] I’ll call you back. Yes, dad.
Dad: Mind if I come in for a sec?
Brandon: We don’t have to talk about it, it’s fine.
Dad: I know, I know. I just figure we’re a little overdue for this chat anyway. So, why don’t you pop a squat, son?
[Dad and Brandon sit down on the bed]
Now, what you just say in the bedroom between your mother and I, that’s perfectly normal.
Brandon: We don’t have to do this, dad. I’ll get over it. It was just weird.
Dad: Well, of course it was but you’ll learn for yourself soon enough that when two people love each other very much, they express it through something called intercourse.
Brandon: Yes, dad. I know that.
Dad: And I gotta be quite honest with you. Sometimes you got to man up and clap them cheeks, you know what I mean?
Brandon: Okay, wow, dad! I’m not talking to you about this. You had sex. It’s fine.
Dad: Well, of course it’s fine, son. It’s a normal beautiful thing. But son, little boys have sex. Me? I’m a big dog and I have that thing woofing, you know what I mean?
Brandon: Look, I’m not an idiot. I guess I just didn’t expect to ever see it. Let alone on my birthday.
Dad: Oh, that’s right. Happy birthday, son!
Brandon: Thanks.
Dad: We got you a cake down stairs but, I should probably wash my hands before any of that.
Brandon: Oh, come on! Oh, god!
Dad: But son, just check this out for a second. It’s noon, I’m sitting at my desk working through lunch so I can provide for this damn family, and she is sending me filthy texts.
Brandon: Stop! Stop! Stop! Please stop!
Dad: I’m just saying, son. She wanted to touch myself at my damn desk, get my ass fired! I’m like, “Woman, are you crazy?”
[Brandon closes his ears]
Brandon: La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la.
Dad: So, here’s what I did, son. I faked sick, I hop in the pick up, burn it down 85, went my ass up to the bedroom, opened the door and you know what I saw? I saw that thing up in there already smoking. What time do you think it was, son?
Brandon: I don’t know dad. 1:30?
Dad: It was time to wax. I’m talking Mr. Miagi, you know? Hey, son. I say. Is that a Getaway right there?
Brandon: What? Oh, yeah!
Dad: You know what?
Brandon: Can you maybe not please do that?
Dad: [grabs the Getaway] I’ma need that right about now. Gotta get some of that sweat back in me, you know?
Brandon: Oh, god!
[Mom walks in]
Mom: Knock, knock. What’s up in here?
Dad: Oh, you know. Just little girl talk, babe. Guy talk. Of course.
Mom: Oh, no, no. What is he telling you? Look, I just wanted to say I am so sorry Brandon.
Brandon: It’s okay, mom. Let’s just forget about it.
Mom: No, no, because in a way, this is my fault. You know, you see, your mother has been blessed with what is widely considered to be that good good.
Brandon: Oh, mom!
Dad: We are talking medical grade pure water, son. You know, that type to make a good man kill himself.
Mom: And the worst man kill everybody. Do you understand what I’m saying?
Brandon: Not really to be honest.
Mom: Okay, well let’s put it this way. Could I be working? Yes. Do I work? Hell, no. Why? Well, because this ill nana keeps me taken care of.
Dad: Umph! I can’t lie son, I am a full simp.
Mom: Ya, you know that car outside, this house, the clothes you’re wearing right now are all thanks to the fact that I turned your daddy out. Do you have a girl at school you wanna turn you out?
Brandon: Stop asking about girls. I’m bisexual. There! I said it!
Dad: Oh, son! Wow! That’s fantastic. So, you mean you can stroke anybody down?
Mom: Oh, Brandon. Thank you so much for telling us. We love you more than anything.
Dad: We are so proud of you.
Brandon: Thanks, guys. I love you.
Mom: Now, you’re gonna need to know how to ride that thing like a soldier, okay? Do you need to–
Brandon: Mom! Please! I don’t want to hear this!
Mom: We can help you.
[The End]