Jay Phroah
Pete Davidson
Sump’n Claus… Kenan Thompson
Two girls… Cecily Strong, Sasheer Zamata
Sheila… Venessa Bayer
Kyle Mooney
Marcus… Martin Freeman
Beck Bennett
[Starts with Jay sitting on a couch when Pate walks in]Jay: Hey, what’s up man? How was the concert?
Pate: It sucked. Me and my buddies got busted for drinking in the parking lot. Santa’s not bringing me anything this year.
Jay: Ah! Don’t worry about it man! You always get a visit from Sump’n Claus.
Pate: Who’s that?
[Cut to Sump’n Claus book. The book opens.] [Cut to Sump’n Claus walking with two women behind him] [music playing]Sump’n Claus: [rapping] Yeah! Everybody get Sump’n
everybody getting Sump’n
Two women: Everybody’s been naughty
everybody’s got flaws
if you’ve been cross off Santa’s list
here come’s Sump’n Claus
Sump’n Claus: [rapping] Was a girl name Sheila
[Cut to Sheila decorating her Christmas tree.]had a meet with a man
[Cut to Kyle]They were supposed to go to dinner
[Cut to Sheila and Kyle arguing]but he had other plans
he said she was dominating
tried to take her diamond earrings
said that she was profiteering
soon he would be mis-appearing
she got mad, was on fire
took a knife inside his tyres
boom and boom, guns in fire
Santa said you no longer qualify-ya
But you know what I said?
Everybody’s getting Sump’n
Everybody’s getting Sump’n
and I’m not talking about no toys
I give cash.
white envelope filled with 20s, sometimes 50s. Cash! And where am I getting this cash? Hey, man. We don’t need to talk about that.
[Cut to the girls singing and dancing]The girls: Everybody’s been naughty
everybody’s got flaws
if you’ve been cross off Santa’s list
here come’s Sump’n Claus
Sump’n Claus: Here’s a story about Marcus
[Cut to Marcus at his office]He’s working for the man
[Cut to Beck yeeling at Marcus]works super long hours
does everything he can
one day he had all he can handle
threw everything and caused a scandal
broke his computer in the shambles
the mess he made was quite substantial
He got fired, got arrested
cops throw out but we protested
Santa said, “Man, you’ve been rejected”
but you know what I say
Everybody’s getting Sump’n
Everybody’s getting Sump’n
Oh, you sweating Santa being mad at you? What you thought y’all was friends? He sees you when you sleeping. That’s weird. I’ma tell you a secret. He hit somebody with that sleighs. Don’t like to talk about it.
[Cut to the girls singing and dancing]The girls: Everybody’s been naughty
everybody’s got flaws
if you’ve been cross off Santa’s list
here come’s Sump’n Claus
Sump’n Claus: Let me tell you my story
it was a long time ago
I used to work for Santa
up at the North Pole
one day I was working at my station
Mrs. Claus started a conversation
both of us felt a sweet sensation
so we agreed on recreation
brought me inside, made some coco
she served me something so loco
Santa walked in and said, “That’s a no no”
but you know what I said
Everybody’s getting Sump’n
Everybody’s getting Sump’n
The girls: Everybody’s been naughty
everybody’s got flaws
if you’ve been cross off Santa’s list
here come’s Sump’n Claus
Sump’n Claus: And I’m talking about everybody. Justin Bieber getting Sump’n. Paula Deen getting Sump’n. Donald Sterling getting Sump’n. Suge Knight getting Sump’n. Kevin Bacon is getting Sump’n.
Sasheer: What’s wrong with Kevin Bacon?
Sump’n Claus: Oh, nothing. He’s just my homie.
[Cut to everybody getting Sump’n and being happy.]Go ahead, be naughty. I got you!
[music stops]