Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 26: Episode 4

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In Association with

00d: Charlize Theron / Paul Simon

A Glimpse Of Our Possible Future I

President George W. Bush.....Will Ferrell

Voice of Don Pardo: America, Election Day fast approaches, and with the Presidential Race still too close to call, "Saturday Night Live" would like to present "A Glimpse of our Possible Future".

[ open on Scenario I ]

Announcer: And now a Message From the President of the United States: George W. Bush.

[ open on the Oval Office - beer cans on desk, socks hung on the lamp, a barbecue grill burning on his desk ]

Voice of Advisor: Mr. President, get out there!

President George W. Bush: [ from under his desk ] No! No, you can't make me! You're gonna yell at me again!

Voice of Advisor: Mr. President!

President George W. Bush: [ peeks out from under his desk ] No! I don't want to go out, it's too hard!

Voice of Advisor: You're on, Sir!

President George W. Bush: Awww.. [ jumps up and takes his seat ] Hey, America! So, how we all doing out there, huh? Yeah, not so good. I broke the Hoover Dam.. we had that war thing happen. But I mean, who ever heard of a Civil War, anyway? What is that? [ grabs a pair of binoculars, unscrews the lens, then pours alcohol from it into his mouth ] I have missed you, ol' buddy! [ pours it into his barbecue grill ] Whoo! I think we can agree, Americans, that these have been a difficult first two years of my presidency..

Voice of Advisor: You've been President for two weeks!

President George W. Bush: Really? Oh, man! I told you, this is hard! Okay, listen.. I'm just gonna get this Address thing over with. As we assess the State of the American Union today, we have reason to hope, because.. [ takes out a map which shows California and Florida as islands, Texas in Communist Mexico, and the Great Lakes on fire ] Holy crap! When did all this happen?! Wow.. the Great Lakes are on fire - even I know that's not good. [ laughs ] Okay, America, we got a lot of problems. I ain't gonna lie to you. But with the help of Vice-President Dick Cheney..

Voice of Advisor: You killed him in a hunting accident!

George W. Bush: Okay, fine! Not a problem. 'Cause I've been working hard, I got a plan that's gonna solve all of it - from the deficit, to foreign relations, to that hole in the sun. Two words, America: Ostrich Meat.

Voice of Advisor: [ disgusted ] Oh, come on! [ exits Oval Office ]

President George W. Bush: No, no, wait, wait! Hear me out. You see, everyone gets an ostrich.. and then you eat the ostrich, then you raise the ostrich.. that way, no more ostriches! We are trying to get rid of all the ostriches, right? Anyone? [ ball of fire erupts outside ] Aw, screw! That big tit building is on fire again - damn! Alright, sorry, folks.. I gotta take care of this.. [ stands up ] Come on, Blue! Here, boy! [ an ostrich ambles forward ] You all go on ahwad without me. And, in the meantime, "Live, from New York, it's Saturday Night!"

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