Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 32: Episode 6

06f: Ludacris

Dr. Archibald Bitchslap

Samantha Hawkins.....Maya Rudolph
Donna.....Kristen Wiig
Pete.....Jason Sudeikis
Debra.....Amy Poehler
Jody.....Bill Hader
Dr. Archibald Bitchslap.....Ludacris

Samantha Hawkins: Do you want to save your marriage? Iím Samantha Hawkins, and in the next half hour Iím going to tell you about a revolutionary method to save your marriage. Youíll hear from couples all over who have benefited from this exciting, new, interactive way to solve relationship problems. Joining me in the studio today are Pete and Donna Longhorne, and Debra and Jody Preston. Welcome Pete and Donna. Tell us your story.

Donna: We fought all the time.

Pete: Every day.

Samantha Hawkins: About what?

Donna: EverythingÖ

Pete: Money.

Donna: Money. I used to just spend like crazy. Shoes, handbags, TV sets..

Pete: I would come home from my job, very tired and hungry, always afraid to find out what she bought. Stuff we didnít need. I was so stressed out about the money we fought.

Donna: Yeah. We fought so much. We tried every kind of counseling.

Pete: Nothing worked, until we heard about your method.

Samantha Hawkins: Hold that thought. Debra and Jody, problems?

Debra: I was at witís end, he was never home. He always said he was working late.

Jody: Which was a lie.

Debra: He would lie right to my face.

Jody: I would.

Debra: I saw your advertisement on TV and I thought, why not?

Jody: It was the best thing we ever did.

Samantha Hawkins: Okay. So here are two success stories. Now, Iíd like you to meet the man responsible for this revolution in marriage counseling, my friend, and my partner, Dr. Archibald Bitchslap. Tell us about your method Dr. Bitchslap.

Dr. Archibald Bitchslap: Well, Samantha, I call it the Bitchslap Method and I think itís absolutely the most effective method for solving any marital problem.

Samantha Hawkins: Is it difficult to put the Bitchslap Method into practice?

Dr. Archibald Bitchslap: You know, I donít think so. I think if you order the tapes and you sit down and watch them, I believe you will fully understand the method.

Samantha Hawkins: Debra? Jody? How long after getting the tapes were you able to start the Bitchslap Method?

Debra: I would say, after watching the tapes I started the method right away.

Jody: She did. And it was very effective.

Debra: I think heís really come around.

Jody: I-I-I have. Iii love her somuch.

Debra: You know, itís so easy I think the method should be used every day!

Jody: Why? I mean, yes. I love you.

Dr. Archibald Bitchslap: Pete? I see you nodding along I see you also had great success with my method, didnít you?

Pete: It was perfect for me.

Donna: It worked so fastÖ let me tell you.

Dr. Archibald Bitchslap: And how is your marriage today?

Pete: Itís great! She doesnít spend anymore.

Donna: Heís happy. (Pete locks his arms around her neck) Ow.

Samantha Hawkins: These tapes have so much to offer. Hereís a sample of what youíll receive, if you order the Bitchslap Method today!

(on tape)

Dr. Archibald Bitchslap: My name is Archibald Bitchslap. Is your marriage in trouble? Do you wish to change that? Let me show you how.

(Archibald Bitchslap with girl mannequin)

Dr. Archibald Bitchslap: Whoís yo daddy, bitch? (slaps mannequin)

(Samantha Hawkins with guy mannequin)

Samantha Hawkins: No, you did not, bitch. (slaps mannequin)

Dr. Archibald Bitchslap: You ainít walkiní out on me bitch! (slaps mannequin)

Dr. Archibald Bitchslap: Bitch! (slaps mannequin)

Archibald Bitchslap (close up): Biieetch!

Samantha Hawkins: Iím gonna come in your house at night and kill ya, you bitch! (slaps mannequin)

Dr. Archibald Bitchslap: (slaps mannequin)

Samantha Hawkins: (slaps mannequin)

Samantha Hawkins: (slaps mannequin)

Dr. Archibald Bitchslap: Whereís my dinner, bitch! (slaps mannequin)

Samantha Hawkins: Bitch! (slaps mannequin)

Samantha Hawkins: Donít talk to me that way, biatch. (slaps mannequin)

(End tape.)

Samantha Hawkins: The tapes are simple, direct, and so easy to understand.

Dr. Archibald Bitchslap: Thereís even a companion booklet that lets you read along.

Samantha Hawkins: When we come back, more couples share their amazing experiences with the Bitchslap Method. And Dr. Archibald Bitchslap will demonstrate on me!

Dr. Archibald Bitchslap: Oh yes, I will.

Samantha Hawkins: And Iíma get you back.

Submitted by: Claire N.

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