Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 38: Episode 2

12b: Joseph Gordon-Levitt / Mumford and Sons


Comedian.....Bill Hader
Tommy Bergamont.....Joseph Gordon-Levitt
Curtis.....Taran Killam
Sharee.....Vanessa Bayer
Woman in Audience.....Aidy Bryant
Man in Audience.....Kenan Thompson

[ open on exterior, Whiskey Pete's, Las Vegas ]

[ dissolve to interior, stage show ]

Comedian: ...Turns out the keys were in my pants the whole time! [ the audience laughs ] Alright, everybody -- that's my set. Next on the Burgundy Room... please welcome the very best hypnotist this side of the strip -- Tommy Bergamont! Here he is, alright!

[ Comedian exits the stage, as dramatic music plays and the intense Tommy Bergamont steps out ]

Tommy Bergamont: Thank you. Good evening. I am Thomas Bergamont, and tonight, ladies and gentlemen, what you will see is GUARANTEED to amaze! Now, I'm going to need a victim -- I mean, a volunteer. Who will it be?

Sharee: [ grabbing her husband ] Oh, him! Pick him!

Tommy Bergamont: YOU, Sir! The gentlemen avoiding my gaze! Help me get him up here, folks!

[ the crowd cheers Curtis up to the stage ]

Tommy Bergamont: What is your name, friend?

Curtis: [ he shrugs ] Curtis.

Tommy Bergamont: And, Curtis -- is this your first time being hypnotized?

Curtis: [ nervously ] Yes, it is!

Tommy Bergamont: Feeling a little nervous with all these people watching you?

Curtis: [ he chuckles ] A little bit, but as my wife, Sharee, will attest... I've always been a bit of a ham!

[ in the audience, Sharee laughs and smiles to the others ]

Tommy Bergamont: Well, I'm going to take GOOD care of you, Curtis! Now, have a seat... [ Curtis sits ] and close your eyes. Curtis! Listen only to the sound of my voice. I am going to count backwards from 3... and by the time I reach 1, you will be in a deep trance. Listen to my voice: 3... 2... and 1! Sleep! Pow! [ Curtis hangs his head ] Ladies and gentlemen, Curtis... has been hypnotized!

[ suddenly, Curtis raises his head and smiles at the audience while mouthing, "I'm not hypnotized!" ]

Tommy Bergamont: Curtis, in a moment, I will snap my fingers! You will remember NOTHING of this conversation, but every time you hear the word... "BUFFET"... you will feel the overwhelming desire to act like a dinosaur, a big, ferocious Tyrannosaurus Rex! [ behind him, Curtis laughs ] Do you understand, Curtis?

Curtis: [ he hangs his head ] Yes.

Tommy Bergamont: Very good! And... [ he snaps his finger ] AWAKE!! [ Curtis lifts his head ] Hello, Curtis!

Curtis: Hi.

Tommy Bergamont: Do you remember any of the conversation we just had?

Curtis: Did we... hav a conversation?

Tommy Bergamont: Oh, yes, we did! But it was nothing important! I was telling you how you should try... THE BUFFET!!

[ Curtis jumps to his feet and screeches like a dinosaur ]

Tommy Bergamont: Oh, my! Isn't he TERRIFYING? I thought he was EXTINCT! [ Curtis bounds and screeches across the stage ] If you ask me... I'd prefer BARNEY! And... [ he snaps his finger ] SLEEP!! POW!! [ Curtis hangs his head ] And just like THAT, ladies and gentlemen... he's back in a trance!

[ Curtis lifts his head, laughs and mouths, "No, I'm not!" to the audience, then lowers his head ]

Tommy Bergamont: What do you say we have some REAL fun, Curtis? From now on, when you hear the word... PAI-GOW... you will suddenly become very hot. Unbearably hot! So hot, that you will do ANYTHING to cool down! Do you understand, Curtis?

Curtis: Yes.

Tommy Bergamont: Wonderful! And... [ he snaps his finger ] AWAKE!! [ Curtis lifts his head ] And how are you feeling, Curtis?

Curtis: [ he shrugs ] Just fine.

Tommy Bergamont: Well... maybe you should try your luck... at the PAI GOW table!

[ Curtis gasps and quickly unbuttons his shirt ]

Tommy Bergamont: [ he winces ] You okay, Curtis?

Curtis: Yeah... it's just... very hot... [ he grins sheepishly at the audience from behind his shirt ]

Tommy Bergamont: Curtis! What are you doing?! I don't think this is very appropriate!

[ Curtis drops his pants ]

Tommy Bergamont: Oh, my! where's your MODESTY?!

Curtis: It's so HOT!!

Tommy Bergamont: Curtis! BUFFET!

[ now only in his drawers, Curtis screeches like a dinosaur ]

Tommy Bergamont: Oh, no! Curtis the Dinosaur is back! And THID dinosaur... is looking for a MATE! Aren't you, Curtis?

[ Curtis screeches, then sniffs his way through the audience ]

Woman in Audience: Oh... oh, please don't touch me...

Tommy Bergamont: Oh, Curtis -- did I forget to tell you... you're a FEMALE dinosaur?

[ Curtis stops, grimaches, then screeches in the face of a man in the front row ]

Man in Audience: Don't do it, dude!

Curtis: [ whispering ] I'm not really hypnotized!

Man in Audience: Well -- then, shame on YOU!

Curtis: It's okay!

[ Curtis proceeds to dry-hump the man in the audience ]

Man in Audience: [ horrified ] Hey, man!! This man is not really hypnotized!!

Tommy Bergamont: What's that you say?

[ Curtis laughs, then returns to the stage ]

Curtis: I'm sorry! I'm not really hypnotized.

Tommy Bergamont: I promise you -- you ARE hypnotized!

Curtis: Ask them! I was goofing!

Tommy Bergamont: Curtis! When I snap my fingers, you will reveal your DARKEST secret! [ he snaps his fingers ]

Curtis: [ head down, in a trance ] I'm cheating on my wife with her sister.

[ Curtis lifts his head, horrified. Tommy is pleased. Sharee is also horrified. ]

Curtis: Uh... no! No, no... Sheri! Uh -- uh -- he TOLD me to say that! I WAS hypnotized! That was part of the show!

Sharee: Well, Happy birthday to ME!!

[ Sharee runs off crying ]

Curtis: No! Sharee! [ to Tommy ] My God! You RUINED my life!! Why?! Why-y-y-y-y?! [ he kneels down and cries ]

Tommy Bergamont: Well... this is unfortunate. But, as you can see, I DID, in fact, hypnotize Curtis!

[ suddenly, Curtis lifts his head and laughs. Sharee steps over and joins him in the joke. ]

Tommy Bergamont: Hopefully, he can repair things with the Missus! But THAT... is the POWER of suggestion!

[ Tommy turns to see Curtis and Sharee laughing at him ]

[ cut to exterior, Whiskey Pete's ]

[ fade ]

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