Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 3








95c: David Schwimmer / Natalie Merchant

The Elevator

Normal Guy.....David Schwimmer
Rude Passenger.....Will Ferrell
Second Rude Passenger.....Mark McKinney
First Gay Guy.....Tim Meadows
Second Gay Guy.....Jim Breuer
Seemingly Normal Guy.....Norm MacDonald
Cute Woman.....Cheri Oteri

[ open on Normal Guy entering a service elevator. One floor later, a woman enters, casually acknowledges her fellow passenger, then gets off at the next floor. On that same floor, a Rude Passenger enters the elevator. As soon as the doors close, he promptly steps in front of the Normal Guy, crowding his space. ]

Normal Guy: [ dismayed ] Can I.. can I help you?

Rude Passenger: No, I'm fine.

[ elevator stops at next floor, as Second Rude Passenger enters, pushes the button for his floor, then crowds onto the other side of the Normal Guy ]

Normal Guy: [ jumps loose ] Okay, what, what, what? What's going on? There's a whole elevator here.

Rude Passenger: [ confused ] I'm sorry?

Second Rude Passenger: [ more confused ] Sorry?

Normal Guy: Well, there's a whole elevator.. it's just, you know.. most people stick to one side of the elevator or the other!

Second Rude Passenger: Ohhhh, I'm sorry.. you know, I was looking for the Elevator Instructions when I came in here. Where are they posted? I must have missed them.

Rude Passenger: Me, too. Thank God Mr. Elevator Monitor is here to teach us how to stand inside this thing.

Normal Guy: Look, I'm just saying that's what people do, you know?

[ elevator stops at Rude Passengers' floor ]

Second Rude Passenger: Well, my floor. You can have your precious elevator back! [ exits ]

Rude Passenger: Yeah, I'd better get out before he calls the Elevator Police! [ exits ]

[ Normal Guy is flabbergasted by the episode that just occurred, but remains in the elevator. At the next stop, two gay guys enter and immediately hover into his personal space ]

Normal Guy: [ dumbfounded ] Okay, why? Why? What's going on here?

First Gay Guy: [ confused ] What.

Normal Guy: Well, I know I don't own the elevator.. but, you know, it's a big elevator, right?

First Gay Guy: Right.

Normal Guy: I mean, I've seen them bring up, like, huge desks in here. You know, there's a lot of room over there and over there and over there.. so, why? Why are you here? Why are you on top of me?! You're standing on top of me, why?

First Gay Guy: We're gay.

Normal Guy: Ah. O-kay.

Second Gay Guy: You're straight, right?

Normal Guy: Yeah..

Second Gay Guy: Cool.

[ elevator stops at next floor ]

First Gay Guy: Well, let's try the other one, Phil. [ they exit ]

[ Seemingly Normal Guy enters the elevator, maintaining a respectable distance from the Normal Guy ]

Normal Guy: How's it going?

Seemingly Normal Guy: Good!

Normal Guy: Good.

Seemingly Normal Guy: [ turns around and faces the back wall ]

Normal Guy: Hey? Are you okay?

Seemingly Normal Guy: Yeah, I am.. Hey, you're not one of them gay elevator guys, are you? You just ditched some of your buddies, there!

Normal Guy: No! No!

Seemingly Normal Guy: Yeah, yeah! Yeah, right.

[ elevator stops at next floor, as two more guys enter and immediately press their body against the back wall just like the Seemingly Normal Guy. Seeing no other recourse but to join the statud quo, the Normal Guy turns around and also faces the wall. At the next stop, all three wall-facing guys exit the elevator, leaving the Normal Guy in that awkward position as a Cute Woman enters ]

Cute Woman: [ concerned by this odd display ] Excuse me?

Normal Guy: Yeah?

Cute Woman: Are you okay?

Normal Guy: What?

Cute Woman: Are you okay?

Normal Guy: [ turns around and realizes the other three guys have left ] Oh..! Oh.. yeah.. I'm fine, it's just.. [ chuckles, and tries to forget the previous incident ]

Cute Woman: [ smiles ] Um.. could you help me with something?

Normal Guy: Oh, sure. [ Cute Woman jumps into his arms, locking herself into a more comfortable position, but making him feeling awkward once more ] So, uh.. oh, you're in Sales, right?

Cute Woman: Uh, no, I'm not.

[ elevator stops at her floor, so she climbs down from Normal Guy's arms and exits. At that moment, two guys doing handstands hobble into the elevator ]

Voice of Handstand Man: 32, please?

Normal Guy: [ cooperative, despite the situation ] 32? Sure. [ presses the button ]

[ as the elevator doors close, the two guys doing handstands hobble into the Normal Guy's personal space and crowd him, as scene zooms out ]


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