Category:

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 14: Episode 19

88s: Wayne Gretzky / Fine Young Cannibals

Waikiki Hockey

Busboy #1…..Jon Lovitz
Busboy #2…..Kevin Nealon
Chad…..Wayne Gretzky
Mr. Bradford…..Phil Hartman
Kitten/Ann-Margret…..Jan Hooks
Reginald…..Dana Carvey

[ SUPER: “Waikiki Hockey” ]

[ SUPER: “A Col. tom Parker Production” ]

[ SUPER: “Starring: Wayne Gretzky” ]

[ SUPER: “And Ann-Margaret as Kitten” ]

[ SUPER: “Creative Consultant: Col. Tom Parker” ]

[ dissolve to interior, Reef Hotel ]

Busboy #1: Chad, I didn’t know you played hockey!

Chad: Hockey? What are you talking about?

Busboy #1: Well, what’s with the stick?

Chad: [ holds up piece of driftwood shaped like a hockey stick ] This? It’s just something that washed up on the shore. It’s my lucky stick. I don’t play hockey. You fellas play hockey?

Busboy #2: You better believe it! We’re the best two wings in Honolulu! We play for the Coconut Kings!

Busboy #1: Yeah. Hey, it’s too bad you don’t play, Chad, ’cause today we got the big championship.

Chad: Sorry, fellas, but, like I said, I’ve never played hockey.

Busboy #2: Hey, look! Somebody didn’t like Chef Mulahini’s pork chops! I wonder why? [ knocks pork chop on the table ] They’re as hard as a hockey puck, huh! [ laughs ]

[ Chad motions his lucky stick like a hockey stick, knocks the pork chop across the room into a garbage can ]

Busboy #2: I don’t believe it! He hit it right in the garbage can!

Busboy #1: You’re good! Oh, you gotta play for us tonight! We”re playing against our arch rivals – we don’t have a center!

Chad: Sorry, fellas, I don’t use my stick for any competetion.

[ Mr. Bradford enters ]

Mr. Bradford: Hey, hey, hey! Back to work, boys. I don’t pay you to stand around and yak!

Chad: Yes, sir, Mr. Bradford.

[ romantic Hawaiian music pots up, as Mr. Bradford’s daughter, Kitten, enters the restaurant with her snooty boyfriend Reginald ]

Kitten: Daddy? Can I have the keys to the convertible?

Mr. Bradford: Sure, Kitten. [ hands her the keys ] Going shopping?

Kitten: Uh-huh. I need something special for the big hockey game tonight.

Mr. Bradford: What about you, Reginald? Are you ready for the big game tonight?

Reginald: [ locked in a continuous smile as he speaks ] Ab-so-lute-ly! The Fly-ing Yachts-men are in tip-top shaoe – though it hardly matters, we’re playing the Coconut Kings, a collection of bus-boys! [ laughs smugly ]

Kitten: [ to Chad ] You’re new on the island, arent you? My name is Susan Bradford, but my friends call me Kitten. Hi!

Chad: Pleased to meet you. I’m Chad.

[ close-up on Kitten’s lovestruck face, as Hawaiian music reaches climactic twang ]

Reginald: Don’t dillydally, Kitten. I dare-say we’ll be late for lunch at the club. Uh, Bus-boy.. you missed a spot! [ laughs smugly ]

[ Kitten and Reginald exit ]

Chad: Fellas, on second thought, maybe I will play in that game tonight.

Busboy #1: Alright!

Busboy #2: Yeah!

[ dissolve to generic footage of the hockey game later that night ]

Announcer: What a night it is at Waikiki Stadium! The Coconut Kings are humiliating the Royal Yachtsmen, thanks to island newcomer Chad Gretzky and his lucky stick! He learned to skate this afternoon, but you’d never know it from the moves he’s showing us tonight! And the final score is Coconut Kings, 10; Flying Yachtsmen, nothing!

[ dissolve to next day, Kitten waterskiing, as Chad moves in from her left ]

Chad: Going my way?

Kitten: I didn’t know you could ski!

Chad: I didn’t know angels could fly so low.

Kitten: I saw you play last night – you were terrific!

Chad: You’re pretty terrific yourself.

[ Reginald moves in from Kitten’s right ]

Reginald: Well, well, well! If it isn’t our hockey-playing bus-boy! You certainly got lucky last night.

[ aghast ] Reggie!

Chad: Maybe I didn’t go to some high-falootin’ Wana-Hockey U.. but I did learn good sportsmanship.

Reginald: Yes.. well, then, be a good sport and go clear some tables. [ snooty laugh ]

Chad: You talk too much. [ pushes Reginald into the water ]

Kitten: Oh! I hope he doesn’t drown.. [ changing the subject ] Are you coming to the big party at Daddy’s hotel tonight?

Chad: I don’t think your Daddy wants me mingling with his fancy guests.

Kitten: No! You’re coming as my escort!

[ dissolve to Daddy’s fancy party later that evening ]

Mr. Bradford: Excuse me. Excuse me, ladies and gentlemen, I’m afraid I have some bad news for you. It seems that the singer we had booked for this evening can’t make it.

[ crowd awwws ]

Mr. Bradford: I’ve been told that he’s eaten some bad poi.

[ crowd eugghs ]

Mr. Bradford: Yes, we all know what bad poi can do. But it’s a lovely night, so please, stay around and enjoy yourselves.. [ crowd gets up to leave ] Everyone, please stay!

Kitten: Oh, poor Daddy..

Chad: Don’t you worry, Angel. [ steps up before the crowd ] Sit down, everybody! I think you’ll get your money’s worth. [ to the band ] Come on, boys – let’s rock!

[ singing ]”Mona luckahiki means hockey
Mona luckawiki means love
A moonlit ice rink means romance
with my baby and the stars above.”

Chorus:
“Kiki Hockey, Waikiki Hockey!
Kiki Hockey, Waikiki Hockey!”

Chad:
“I slipped the puck across the goal line
the crowd went crazy and roared.
But when my baby kissed me and held me in my arms
I knew that I had finally scored.”

Chorus:
“Kiki Hockey, Waikiki Hockey!
Kiki Hockey, Waikiki Hockey!”

Kitten:
“I know why hockey is rockin’
Ice melts, and no one can play!
So we clean up the rinks
and put the ice in our drinks
and say, ‘Mona laki hui ani hey!'”

Chad:
“I say hockey!
Waikiki Hockey
Our way!”

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 14: Episode 18


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:

Bit Players:


May 13th, 1989

Wayne Gretzky

Fine Young Cannibals

None

Janet Jones

Tom Davis

Andy Murphy

Conan O’Brien
Carter In PanamaRecurring Characters: Jimmy Carter.

Montage

Wayne Gretzky’s MonologueBio: Wayne Gretzky (1961-). Athlete; National Hockey League player for the Edmonton Oilers (1979-88), the Los Angeles Kings (1988-96), the St. Louis Blues (1996), and the New York Rangers (1996-99); nicknamed “The Great One”, he was awarded the NHL’s Most Valuable Player award eight seasons in a row.

Sleepytime Rat ControlNote: Repeat from: 88l.

Fishing With the Anal-Retentive SportsmanRecurring Characters: Anal-Retentive Gene.

Wayne’s WorldRecurring Characters: Wayne Campbell, Garth Algar.

This Week with David BrinkleyRecurring Characters: David Brinkley, George F. Will, Cokie Roberts, Sam Donaldson.

Fine Young Cannibals perform “She Drives Me Crazy”Bio: British band, comprised of former members of The Beat; members: Roland Gift, David Steele, Andy Cox.

Weekend Update with Dennis Miller

Celebrity Hockey IdeasRecurring Characters: John Travolta, Brigitte Nielsen, Jack Nicholson, Bette Davis, Tina Yothers, Sylvester Stallone, Howie Mandel, George Hamilton.

Point Blank

Fine Young Cannibals perform “Good Thing”

Waikiki HockeyTranscript

Goodnights

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 14: Episode 18

88r: Geena Davis / John Mellencamp

Frost White and the Seven L’il Men

Berman…..Jon Lovitz
Frost White…..Geena Davis
Touchy…..Ben Stiller
Feely…..Mike Myers
Itchy…..Dana Carvey
Coughy…..Dennis Miller
Barry…..Al Franken
Sticky…..Kevin Nealon
Resentful…..Phil Hartman
Evil Step-Cousin…..Nora Dunn

(Interior: law office. Berman sits in an armchair and addresses the audience.)

Berman: Hello, I’m Scott Berman, of the law firm Armstrong, Berman & Fitch, outside counsel to the National Broadcasting Company. One of the most wondrous stories of all time is the enchanting fable “Snow White and the Seven Dwarves.” Our client NBC would like nothing more than to bring this timeless tale into your living room. Unfortunately, the copyright for “Snow White and the Seven Dwarves” is owned by the Disney Corporation, which, as you know, takes a very strong stand against any infringement of said copyright. And that is why tonight, NBC, *ahem* in conjunction with the law firm of Armstrong, Berman & Fitch, proudly presents tonight’s live production, “Frost White and the Seven Lil’ Men” … an all-new, entirely original fable, which cannot reasonably be interpreted as a violation of Title 17, Sections 101-106 of the US Code, at least that’s our position.

(Disneyesque music begins, and he cocks an ear)

Berman: Oh, I think I hear the seven lil’ men returning from a day’s work of an undetermined nature.

(Fade to stage, with a Disneyesque outdoor meadow setting. The Lil’ Men march into view as a title card is displayed.)

Lil’ Men: (singing)
Ho-hi, Ho-hi.
It’s back from work we cry.
We’re back from work, we’re back from work.Ho-hi, Ho-hi.

(The music stops, and they all burst out laughing. Frost White emerges, smiling, and addresses each of them as they face the camera)

Frost White: My little men! … Touchy … Feely … Itchy … Coughy …

Coughy: (coughs)

Frost White: Barry … Sticky … and Resentful. You’re just in time to help me clean up the house.

Itchy: I know a song we can sing WHILE we clean up!

Frost White: Good for you, Itchy. Coughy … will you sing along?

Coughy: (coughs)

Itchy: He said yes!

Frost White: (giggles) Oh, Coughy … you’re my favorite! (she walks over to him, and gives him a kiss on the forehead)

Coughy: (coughs)

Itchy: Come on, everybody! Follow me!

(Disneyesque music begins, and they all step to the beat)

Frost White & Lil’ Men: (singing)
Hum while you work.
Hum while you work.
Hmmmmm, hmmmmm,
Hum while you work.

(They all laugh, and march off-stage)

(Fade back to Berman)

Berman: You know, it’s interesting what makes one song legally *ahem* different from another … it’s not always black and white, and that’s what makes my job so exciting. The court has established one pretty clear precedent: if every third note is different, you are the owner of a unique musical property.

(Dramatic music swells up)

Berman: Well, not everyone in our enchanting tale loves Frost White the way Touchy, Feely, Sorry, Smiley, Coughy, Stretch, and Resentful do. Let’s go now to the castle and meet Frost White’s evil step-cousin. That’s right, step-COUSIN.

(The dramatic music continues as we fade to a still of a castle on top of a hill. Inside the castle, the Evil Step-Cousin picks up a plate off the dinner table.)

Evil Step-Cousin: Whoever washed this plate did a fine job. I can see my face in it, almost as if it were a mirror. (glances at the camera) But it’s not a mirror. It’s a plate. (looks at the plate) Plate, plate, in my hand, who’s the best-looking in the land?

(The image of Frost White’s face appears in the plate.)

Evil Step-Cousin: Frost White?!

(She slams the plate on the table, and it shatters. She picks up an orange off the table)

Evil Step-Cousin: I’ll get her … with one of my poisonous ORANGES! (laughs sinisterly)

(Fade back to the meadow setting. Frost White picks some yellow flowers by the well as soft music plays)

Frost White: (singing)
Someday my prince will come.
Someday my prince will come …

(Cut back to Scott, on the phone)

Berman: (irritated) This the studio? What the hell’s goin’ on?

(the music stops)

Berman: No, you CAN’T use their lyrics! We agreed on “Someday, my EARL will come”! No prince … well, who said it was okay?! … Oh yeah? Well, to HELL with her!

(He raises his voice as he talks)

Berman: Now look, you tell Geena Davis to go to law school, pass the damn bar, work herself up to stinkin’ partner in the best copyright firm in the country, AND THEN SHE CAN TELL ME THAT “PRINCE” DOESN’T EXPOSE US TO MAJOR, AND I’M TALKING, MAJOR DAMAGE!!

(He slams the receiver, then picks it up again)

Berman: DISNEY!! WE’RE TALKING DISNEY!!!

(He slams the receiver again, then calms down, and starts lying pathologically …)

Berman: Well, uh, Frost White, uh, had uh, it seems, uh … mailed some film to be developed, and, uh, uh, had been waiting for some time to get her PRINTS back. Yes, so she was singing, “Some week my PRINTS,” P-R-I-*N*-T-S, “will come,” *not* P-R-I-N-C-E.

(he starts fondling his tie nervously)

Berman: And uh … oh, oh, did I mention that Snow White — excuse me, Frost White, that Frost White was a, uh, was a man? Because she is! Yes, yes, and uh, and the uh, the seven little men, they’re, well they’re all blind. I don’t know if that was coming across in the acting, but they can’t see, they can’t see at all! Well, um, I don’t think Frost White is going to be the annual e-VENT that we had hoped, but for those of you who have stuck with us for this long, thank you and good night.

(“Hum While You Work” reprises as a caption rolls over a still of Frost White and the Seven Lil’ Men.)

Voice-over: (reading the caption) “The characters of Frost White and the Seven Lil’ Men are the sole property of the National Broadcasting Company. Any reproduction or unauthorized use is strictly prohibited.”

(Applause)

Submitted by: The G Man

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 14: Episode 18


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


April 22nd, 1989

Geena Davis

John Mellencamp

None

Cheryl Hardwick A Message From the President of the United StatesRecurring Characters: George Bush.

Montage

Geena Davis’ MonologueBio: Geena Davis (1956-). Actress; Academy Award winner for Best Supporting Actress for “The Accidental Tourist” (1988); other films include: “Thelma and Louise” (1991), “A League of Their Own” (1992); starred as first female president in short-lived televised drama series “Commander in Chief”, 2005-06; married to frequent film co-star Jeff Goldblum, from 1987-90.

The Bob Waltman SpecialRecurring Characters: Bob Waltman, Burt Reynolds, Diane Sawyer, Roseanne.

Frost White and the Seven L’il MenSummary: A cheap Disney knockoff flirts with copyright infringement by changing every third word from the tale of Snow White.

Transcript

AttitudesRecurring Characters: Linda Dano, Nancy Glass.

John Mellencamp performs “Pop Singer”First Performed: 81p.

The Palmer Bunch

Weekend Update with Dennis Miller

Suspended Animation Chambers

John Mellencamp performs “Jackie Brown”

Game Show Models

After The Apocalypse

Goodnights

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 14: Episode 16

88q: Dolly Parton

Celebrity Restaurant

Nobody…..Mike Myers
Buddy Precisely…..Dana Carvey
Jack Nicholson…..Phil Hartman
Tracy Ullman…..Jan Hooks
Gary Sermans…..Ben Stiller
…..Dolly Parton
Gary Sermans…..Ben Stiller
Fireman…..Kevin Nealon

[ open on interior, fancy Hollywood restaurant, Buddy Precisely standing at the pedestal reviewing his guest list ]

Nobody: [ approaching with supermodel-level date ] Hi.

Buddy Precisely: Yeees?

Nobody: Carlisle, party of two.

Buddy Precisely: Uh-huhhh?

Nobody: I have a reservation.

Buddy Precisely: Uh-huhhh?

Nobody: For 7:30?

Buddy Precisely: Ohhhhhhmmmmm, no! [ waves his hand towards the bar ] Wait at the barm wait at the bar, wait at the bar..

Nobody: Hey, hey, I have a reservation, I’m not waiting at the bar!

Buddy Precisely: [ signals bouncer and waves his hand towards the door ] Then take them outside, take them outside, take them outside.. [ Bouncer pulls the Nobody and his date outside ] Goodbye. Don’t be alarmed, don’t be alarmed, everybody, pay no attention, he doesn’t matter, he’s not a star! [ walks up to the dining entrance ] Look at the stars! The stars over here in the dining room – look! Right there, right now! Corbin Bernsen‘s eating a biscuit, look at him! [ waiting crowd “Oohs” ] What an amazing..! [ Jack Nicholson enters ] Well, Jack Nicholson, everybody! Jack Nicholson! You huge, mammoth, incredible, monstrous star, what can I do for you!Jack Nicholson: I’ll tell you what you can do for me. You can take your fingers off of my jacket.

Buddy Precisely: [ laughs ] Oh, what a funster! I’ll come by your table later for a cocktail, Jack!

Jack Nicholson: I’d rather stick needles in my eye!

Buddy Precisely: I love it when you kid me! Claudine, take this wonderful megastar to his table, and sit him right next to.. Nick Nolte!

Tracy Ullman: [ bounces into the room ] Bud-dy, Bud-dy!

Buddy Precisely: Tracy Ullman, everybody! Tracy Ullman! [ hugs her ] Look at you! Welcome you Golden Globe-winning star! How’s your highly-acclaimed serie?

Tracy Ullman: It’s in the basement, Buddy! It is! I can get a walk, but I can’t get ratings! [ laughs ]

Buddy Precisely: And you can’t get a table here! [ pushes her away ] Take it outside, take it outside, take it outside.. [ Bouncer removes her ] I love you, Tracy, you’re the Moe Howard of England, take it outside!

Gary Sermans: [ enters ] Hello. I’m Gary Sermans, I have a reservation?

Buddy Precisely: Uh-huhhh? And where might I have heard that name?

Gary Sermans: Well, I’m an actor and a writer, you probably haven’t heard of me – yet.

Buddy Precisely: A total unknown? An anbsolute nobody? Wait at the bar, wait at the bar..

Gary Sermans: Well, wait a minute! I have a script in development!

Buddy Precisely: Uh-huhhhh? What studio?

Gary Sermans: Paramount!

Buddy Precisely: Uh-huhh! And what did you do before that?

Gary Sermans: I was Dick Clark’s poolboy!

Buddy Precisely: Claudine! Seat this very important young man immediately! Ladies and gentlemen, Dick Clark’s poolboy! [ shows him inside the dining area ] Wonderful! [ Dolly Parton enters ] Oh, my goodness! The lovely Doly Parton! Look at you, what can I do for you, you big, huge, wonderful star!

Dolly Parton: Oh, nothing! I’m just here to meet a couple of friends of mine for dinner, and I’m just a little early!

Buddy Precisely: Uh-huhhh.. who are we meeting?

Dolly Parton: Oh, just some friends that I worked with on my television show.

Buddy Precisely: Ohh, yes.. your ill-fated television show. You must feel just awful!

Dolly Parton: Oh, well.. I just believe: if it works, it works, and if it don’t, the Lord takes care of you anyway!

Buddy Precisely: Yes, he does. Even after such an enormous failure!

Dolly Parton: Oh, no more than “Rhinestone”.

Buddy Precisely: Oh, yes, “Rhinestone”, the movie that nearly killed Sylvester Stallone’s entire career!

Dolly Parton: Ohhhh.. we’re still friends, he calls me every now and then..

Buddy Precisely: [ interested ] Uh-huh? What other huge stars call you?

Dolly Parton: Oh, listen, Buddy, I don’t want to take up your time. How about if I just take a seat at the bar?

Buddy Precisely: No one waits at the bar until I tell them, Dolly. [ pause ] Wait at the bar, wait at the bar.. [ Dolly waits at the bar, as an Asian man enters ] Oh! Khangas Moore! You wonderfully, taslented, versatile little star, you! As they say in Thailand, “Mi casa, su casa!” Your table is right here, through the kitchen, with fellow Oscar winners Marlee Matlin and Linda Hunt! Go right in, you big, important star, you! [ shoves him into the kitchen ] Ladies and gentlemen, Charlton Heston is eating a trout in the dining room! [ Rob Lowe enters ] Oh, goodness! Rob Lowe! [ waves hand toward the door ] Take it outside, take it outside, take it outside.. don’t you ever sing in public again!

Dolly Parton: [ comes forward ] Excuse me, Buddy?

Buddy Precisely: Yes, Dolly?

Dolly Parton: Buddy, I don’t mean to interrupt you, but there seems to be something awful coming out of your kitchen!

Buddy Precisely: Uh-huhhh?

Dolly Parton: Well, I don’t want to panic anybody, but back where we come from, we call it a fire!

Buddy Precisely: You incredibly, observant star! How observant of you!

[ Firemen rush in ]

Fireman: Where’s the manager?! Where’s the manager?!

Buddy Precisely: Excuse me! I believe I’m talking to my good friend, Dolly Parton! [ the firefighters are excited ] Go right in, Dolly, you wonderful, grand star! I love you when you’re here! [ lets Dolly into the dining area, then turns to the firemen ] Now, what do you want?

Fireman: We’re the Beverly Hills Fire Department.

Buddy Precisely: Uh-huhhhh? And where might I have seen your work?

Fireman: Well.. we put a fire out in the stock room at Bejean’s.

Buddy Precisely: Uh-huhhh?

Fireman: Yeah.. a two-alarm fire.

Buddy Precisely: Two-alarm? Not one-alarm, two-alarm?

Fireman: Two-alarm.

Buddy Precisely: Not a three-alarm? [ waves his hands towards the bar ] Wait at the bar, wait at the bar.. Ramone, the smoke, please, take it outside, take it outside..

[ Bouncer helps Buddy fan the smoke outside, as the sketch fades out ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 14: Episode 16

88q: Dolly Parton

Dolly’s Mountain Stories

…..Dolly Parton
…..cast of “Saturday Night Live”

[ open on the main stage, Dolly Parton and the cast sitting on pillows around the floor ]

Dana Carvey: Tell us a mountain story, Dolly!

[ the cast cheers the suggestion ]

Dolly Parton: Really? Alright, now the first thing you have to know, now, is that I was born and raised in the Smokey Mountains in East Tennessee!

Kevin Nealon: Well, we knew that! [ laughs ]

Dolly Parton: Well, you might, Kevin, but maybe everybody out there don’t know that.

Jan Hooks: Oh, I think thye do, Dolly!

[ the rest of the cast agrees ]

Dolly Parton: Alright, well, that’s beside the point, but i’ll tell you a story. I grew up in a small house with my momma and my daddy and twelve kids. And we were out in the middle of nowhere and we didn’t have anything but each other. Of course, I’m not complaining.. but we didn’t make a whole lot of money, and didn’t have more than anything but our love and our music!

Victoria Jackson: Dolly, you mean you didn’t have any of the modern conveniences that we all take for granted?

Dolly Parton: That is absolutely right, Victoria! I mean, we didn’t have a washing machine or a gas stove, we didn’t even have a TV.

Dennis Miller: Well, what did you guys do for fun?

Dolly Parton: Oh, we made our own fun, Dennis! Why, we’d sing, and we’d play games.. and Momma would dream up stories for us, I mean stories that were a whole lot better than anything you could watch on television today!

Phil Hartman: [ smiling ] She must have been quite a woman!

Dolly Parton: Well, you don’t have to patronize me, Phil. [ Phil appears confused ] Anyway, she’d tell us stories that’d keep us going ’til bedtime!

Jon Lovitz: Like, what kind of stories?

Dolly Parton: Oh, just all kinds of stories.. she’d just make up scary stories, and funny stories, stories about the Old West..

Nora Dunn: Oh, those Western stories must have been great!

Dolly Parton: Oh, they were! My favorite ws about this white-haired man that had three sons, and he lived out on a big ranch in Nevada. [ the cast appears to be familiar with the story ] And the oldest son, see, he was real, real moody, and serious.. and the middle one, well, he was big and lovable.. and the youngest one – whoo! – he was so handsome and brave!

Victoria Jackson: He sounds really cute!

Dolly Parton: Oh, well, he was! Well, his name was Little Joe.. [ the cast now realizes she’s relating the story of the TV show “Bonanza ] and he had more girlfriends than you could shake a stick at! Lord, the times that family had with that tiny servant of theirs.. My Momma, she did, she had a big imagination, that’s for sure! Hey, but she loved to tell us police stories, that was some of my favorites, too!

Dennis Miller: She told you police stories?

Dolly Parton: Yeah.. well, she’d just talk a blue streak about these two detectives that would drive around L.A. in this blue Plymouth Valiant. One fella’s name, I think, was Friday, and he did everything by the book. I mean, he was straighter than a hog’s tail in a pork factory! See, my Momma had so many stories, and the funniest ones were about this silly, silly, crazy woman named Lucy! I man, she got into all kinds of crazy situations! There was this one time when her husband Ricky, he was this Cuban fella.. and he had an audition in Los Angeles, and they lost their script, Lucy did, so she had to sneak into the studio, and William Holden was there, and it was just the biggest mess!

Dana Carvey: So.. so, these were made up?

Dolly Parton: Right. Except for the ones about Friday. Momma said that they were based on some kind of truth, but that they always changed the names to protect the innocent.

Kevin Nealon: So, there were no televisions anywhere?

Dolly Parton: Well, of course not! I mean, why would we need onw? Family’s all you need! [ thinking ] Oh, yeah! I forgot to tell you, there was this Halloween special, that was Momma’s favorite! It was a spooky story about a witch, and she had these magical powers.. and she married this advertising agent, his name was Darren. See, Darren didn’t want anybody to know about his wife, so they lived out in the suburbs, and they had this real, real nosy neighbor..

Jon Lovitz: [ excited ] Oh! Ms. Crabbitz! [ quickly covers his mouth ]

Dolly Parton: Wow! That’s right, Jon! How’d you know that, are you from the hills?

Jon Lovitz: Uh, no.. I.. I..

Jan Hooks: Jon! Yes, of course, he’s from the hills.. aren’t you, Jon?

Jon Lovitz: Yes.. I’m from Arkansas..

Dolly Parton: Well, I never knew that! That is something! Well, you learn something new everyday! Well, listen, I hope that you enjoyed the stories, and thank you for listening.. but I gotta go get ready for the next thing..

[ a stagehand directs Dolly offstage, as the cast ponders what they’ve just sat through ]

Nora Dunn: That poor, poor woman..

Kevin Nealon: Yeah. Thinking that stuff was original!

Dana Carvey: Boy, can you imagine missing out on all those hours and hours of television!

Dennis Miller: Yeah, and then having to hear about it secondhand. I mean, it’s so sad..

Phil Hartman: Is it really? No, I mean, think about it. While we had all that fed to us, she got to use her imagination.

Jan Hooks: Yeah.. we’re all kind of constrained to the limits of what we saw. but not Dolly!

Phil Hartman: Who knows what her Darren looks like? Her Hoss? Her Friday? Her Larry Tate!

Kevin Nealon: Maybe her Col. Klink had a thick head of hair!

Jon Lovitz: Maybe her Lassie was a dachschund?

Victoria Jackson: You know what? Maybe we should all stop watching TV..

Phil Hartman: [ laughs ] That’s ridiculous! It’s just something that happened to Dolly.

[ they get up to leave the stage, laughing to themselves ]

Dennis Miller: Miss out on TV, what are you talking about!

Phil Hartman: [ left alone ] See you, everyone.. and keep watching the show!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 14: Episode 16

88q: Dolly Parton

Sprockets

Dieter…..Mike Myers
Butch Patrick…..Ben Stiller

Dieter: Velcome to “Sprockets”. I am your host, Dieter. This veek ve explore the latest phenomenon on German television. It is, of course, “The Munsters” – a brilliant satire of a post-nuclear American society. Monsters of an American dream turn to nightmare. It is pure Americanist culture, and I love it. Ve have with us in the studio tonight, the boy who played Eddie Munster, Butch Patrick. Please welcome Butch Patrick – Eddie Munster. [ Butch Patrick walks out, smoking a cigarette ] Hello, Eddie. “The Munsters” are very popular in Germany, and you have become a celebrity here. Are you surprised?

Butch Patrick: Oh, God.. well, I’ll tell you, Dieter – the show went off the air in ’66, so it has been a bit of a dry spell for me. And, when I heard the kids were starting to watch the show over here in Germany, I figured, well.. you gotta go with the heat. You know? I mean, as actors we’re nomads, so I got over here as quickly as possible.

Dieter: Eddie, it has been said of “The Munsters” that they are both crime and magic.

Butch Patrick: [ perplexed by the statement ] Yeah, well.. I think the real crime is that we were cancelled. I mean, we were getting ratings.. they’d never seen numbers like that, and then to just go and pull the plug out of nowhere – I think someone very high up got a little scared, or something, and uh..

Dieter: Vhat vas it like to vork with Fred Gwynne – Herman Munster?

Butch Patrick: A freak! An 8-foot freak! Actually, it’s a very funny story about Gwynne. You know, he had the flattop, the thing he wore on the show, right.. So one morning I walked into make-up..

Dieter: [ interrupting ] Your story has become tiresome. Eddie,Susan Sontex said of “The Munsters” that they lie at 24 frames per second. [ Eddie looks confused ] It is obvious that your so-called cousin Marilyn, who is an innocent surrounded by monsters, was a reference to another American icon – Marilyn Monroe.

Butch Patrick: Well, really, I don’t know about that stuff.. I mean.. I guess everyone had their thing on the show, you know.. uh.. Grandpa was a vampire; my mother was a vampire; my father was a Frankenstein; and I was.. uh.. I don’t know what the hell I was.

Dieter: I read somewhere that Marilyn left the show “under a cloud”.

Butch Patrick: [ laughing ] Under a cloud! She was under half the sound crew! I joke with her. If I was.. ooh.. ten years older at the time..

Dieter: To me, Eddie was an every vampire.

Butch Patrick: Oh, well, again.. vampire.. I’d like to stay away from that thing.. But, yeah, there was definitely something about Eddie that struck a chord, that went right to the heart of what it meant to be an 8-year-old – whatever the hell I was – growing up in America in the 1960’s.

Dieter: Can I touch your widow’s peak? It is most bizarre.

Butch Patrick: Uh.. okay..

Dieter: [ reaches in and touches Butch’s hair ] Textures interest me. Do you want to touch my monkey? [ indicates his monkey sitting on a pedestal ]

Butch Patrick: [ dumbfounded ] Touch your monkey? I..

Dieter: Touch it!

Butch Patrick: Uh.. really, no..

Dieter: Touch the monkey! I’d like you to touch it!

Butch Patrick: [ giving in ] Okay! Alright! [ stands up and walks over to the monkey ] Hey, monkey.. hey.. [ the monkey bites his finger ] Ouch! He bit me! Ow, I’m bleeding! Could I get a bandage, or something? Please? Agh!

Dieter: I would have liked to have seen you play Eddie completely covered in sores.

Butch Patrick: What?! Sores?

Dieter: Abrasions. Lesions.

Butch Patrick: What the hell is wrong with you? Huh?!

Dieter: Now is the time on “Sprockets” vhen ve dance. [ gets up and dances with fellow Germans ]

Butch Patrick: Hey, I’m getting out of here, alright? ‘Cause I’ve gotta get a bandage, or something.. you German creeps! [ walks off ]

Dieter: That’s it for this veek of “Sprockets”. My guest has been Eddie Munster, Butch Patrick. My name is Dieter. Auf weidersehen!

[ fade to black ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 14: Episode 16

88q: Dolly Parton

Dolly Parton’s Monologue

…..Dolly Parton

Dolly Parton: Whoo, boy! Thank you so much! I think it’s only fair for you folks in the audience to know I had about twelve buses of folks shipped down from Dollywood, just so I could get a good reception, and I thankyou, I thank you, you did good! How do you like my outfit! You recognize it, don’t you? This is the NBC Peacock! That’s because Lorne Michaels told me to wear this, ’cause he wanted me to shake my tail feathers for ya! [ turns around and shakes her booty ] I’m gonna do it, too!

Oh, it really is great to be here in New York – I always have a good time here – but I have to be honest with you, though, I was a little nervous and a little worried about coming here. You know, it’s “Saturday Night Live” and all, and you here all kinds of things, but.. don’t you folks believe that for a minute! These folks have gone out of their way to make me feel like one of the family. You know it’s amazing to me how hard these people work.. [ camera zooms in on Dolly’s cleavage ] I mean, they have put this thing together in just one week! I mean, monday, they start coming up with ideas; and then Tuesday, they start to write ’em; and then Wednesday, why we’re rehearsing; and before you know it, it’s SAturday and it’s time to do the show! [ camera quickly zooms out before Dolly notices ]

But I’ve done a lot of television in Hollywood, and I’ve done a lot of TV in Nashville. But I have to honestly say, things are a lot different here in New York. Really. I mean, everything is just so artistic here. [ cameraman is seen hanging from a rope above the stage ] I mean, like for instance, this guy. I mean, in Hollywood, they would never even try a shot like that! But up here, the spirit is just, “Hang a guy up by the roof, and put a camera in his hands and see what it looks like!” [ hanging cameraman’s angle is shown, a direct bird’s-eye-view of Dolly’s cleavage ] It may not always work.. but, at least, you gotta give them credit for trying! God bless their little hearts, they’ve been good to me!

I tell you what, I think we’ve got a great show tonight! I brought my band, and I’m gonna be doing the singing tonight, so stick around, we’ll be right back! I’m glad to be here with you!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 14: Episode 16

88q: Dolly Parton

Planet of the Enormous Hooters

Queen…..Nora Dunn
Courtier #1…..Jan Hooks
Courtier #2…..Victoria Jackson
Prisoner…..Dolly Parton

Announcer: On the outer reaches of our galaxy spins the planetEstrogena, where there evolved an advanced race of women: Planet ofthe Enormous Hooters.

Queen: Bring the deformed one to me!

Courtier #1: Queen Zarma, your Exalted Fullness. We have brought the prisoner.

Courtier #2: Look! Her breasts are so small. They look like melons!

[ everyone laughs ]

Prisoner: Oh, please don’t belittle me.

Queen: You are a disgrace to our planet. I hereby banish you to the planet Earth, where your undersize breasts will go unnoticed, and you may live your life in anonymity. Take her to the spaceship – she disgusts me!

Prisoner: No, no! Please reconsider! [ she’s pulled outside ]

Announcer: Tune in next week for Planet of the Enormous Hooters.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 14: Episode 16

88q: Dolly Parton

Exxon Cleanup

Employee #1…..Jon Lovitz
Employee #2…..Ben Stiller
Foreman…..Phil Hartman
Andy…..Dana Carvey
Terri…..Victoria Jackson
Employee #3…..Al Franken
Female Employee…..Nora Dunn
Captain Hazelwood…..Kevin Nealon

[ open on Teal Bay, Alaska, Exxon employees sitting amongst the rocks cleaning up debris from the oil tanker spill ]

Employee #1: Hey, that rock is not done yet.

Employee #2: Sure it is!

Employee #1: No, it’s not! It’s got oil on the bottom!

Employee #2: Nobody’s gonna look at the bottom of a rock!

Employee #1: [ disgusted ] I’m telling you..

Foreman: [ steps in ] Problem?

Employee #2: We don’t have to clean the bottoms, do we?

Foreman: Yes. The whole rock!

Employee #1: [ makes victory squeal ]

Employee #2: Look, Mr. Williamson, some of us were wondering, uh.. where do we put the otters?

Foreman: You know the procedure!

Employee #2: Yeah. But I kind of forget..

Foreman: [ talks into loudspeaker ] Alright, everybody, I’m going to go through this ONE more time! There are FOUR otter piles: oily, dead otters; clean, dead otters; oily, live otters; and clean, live otters!

Andy: [ running forward ] Mr. Willliamson! Mr. Williamson! I just cleaned another rock!

Foreman: That’s real good, Andy. Andy, you don’t have to tell me every time you clean a rock. Just put it on the clean rock pile.

Andy: Okay. [ moves along ]

Foreman: Terri!

Terri: [ enters scene ] Yes, Mr. Williamson?

Foreman: I think we’re gonna need a lot more towels.

Terri: Okay, just a couple rolls, right?

Foreman: No! Hundreds of rolls!

Terri: Oh. Just any old brand, right?

Foreman: No, I’m afraid we’ll need a brand name – Cornet, Viva, Brawny..

Terri: Plain or decorated?

Foreman: It doesn’t matter! [ pause ] Decorated, if you can get it..

Terri: Okay. [ moves along ]

Employee #3: Mr. Williamson? I’ve gotta knock off early. Uh.. would it be okay if I took these rocks home, and finished cleaning then there?

Foreman: I, uh..

Employee #3: I’ll bring ’em back tomorrow. Promise.

Foreman: Alright, alright. Just sign them out with Terry. [ picks up a shiny rock ] Oh, hey, hey! Here’s a clean rock! Who cleaned this rock?

Female Employee: Me, Sir!

Foreman: Well, this is great! How did you do this?

Female Employee: Well, I used a white vinegar pre-soap, I scrubbed with a high-grade steel wool, and I used a little Turtle Wax.

Foreman: Well, good job! I’m thinking about putting you on that big boulder over there!

Female Employee: You won’t regret it, Sir!

Foreman: Well, good. [ she runs off, as he looks down ] Alright! Who tracked oil through our clean patch?! Aw, come on, we worked so hard on that! Come on, who did it! [ everyone points to Captain Hazelwood ] Captain Hazelwood, you’re on pretty thin ice already!

Captain Hazelwood: Gosh, I’m sorry, Sir. I guess I did it again, huh! [ takes a swig from a flask of alcohol ] “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!“

SNL Transcripts