Category:

Sports Illustrated

…..Paulina Porizkova

Paulina Porizkova: Hello, I’m Paulina Porizkova. Today we live in a climate of increasing censorship. There’s the Meese Commission, the Moral Majority, and the banning of Penthouse and Playboy from 7-11’s. That’s why, now more than ever, the young man in your household needs Sports Illustrated’s annual swimsuit issue.

It’s filled with dozens of photos of today’s top models wearing practcally no clothes at all. And it’s mixed in with enough sports scores and essays on thoroughbred racing to make it acceptable in any American home.

Now, you could buy the swimsuit issue at the newsstand, where it usually sells out within an hour. Or you could do the smart thing – subscribe to Sports Illustrated. That way, you’re sure to get the swimsuit issue each January – and that’s not all. You also get 50 other issues filled with interesting articles.

Articles about football, baseball and basketball. Plus occasional pictures of Laura Ball.. [ golf player showing her bustline during a drive shot ] ..Janet Stevenson.. [ golf player with more of a bustline during a drive ] ..Carlene Vasset.. [ tennis player whose skirt fluffs open during a shot ] ..and Julianne MacMamora.. [ gymnast whose panties can be seen as she motions on the parallel bars ]

And, if you subscribe now, you also get a bonus: this Sports Illustrated “Do Not Disturb” sign.

So, what are you waiting for? Remember, Sports Illustrated is an important part of growing up. Your kids need it.

Dirty Bum: And I need it, too!

Announcer: To get the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue, plus the other issues, dial 1-800-999-WANK.

SNL Transcripts

The Life of Golda Meir

Golda Meir…..Paulina Porizkova
General Dian…..Kevin Nealon
General #2…..Phil Hartman
General #3…..Bronson Pinchot
Protester…..Jon Lovitz

Announcer: NBC proudly presents.. “The Life of Golda Meir”.

Starring: Paulina Porizkova as Golda Meir.

Chapter IV: The War Years.

[ open on Golda Meir’s private bunker, where a buxom (obviously Porizkova simply playing herself) Golda Meir heads a meeting with her generals ]

Golda Meir: [ effeminately holding a cigarette in her right hand ] Gentlemen, we are under attack from two sides. Is this the end of Israel?

General Dian: I don’t know about that, Prime Minister Meir, but I’ll tell you one thing. You are an incredibly beautiful woman.

Golda Meir: [ smiling ] Thank you, General, that’s very kind. But, please, we must know.. how much time does the Army have to mobilize?

General #2: I can’t blame General Dian, Madame Prime Minister. We all know that Israel is in danger. But with you looking the way you do, it’s hard to think about the war. You’re an absolute knockout, you know that?

Golda Meir: Thank you, gentlemen, this is all very flattering, but, please, you must concentrate. Please?

General #3: Wait. I have an idea. Perhaps, Prime Minister, your, uh.. fantastic figure and gorgeous face could be used to help the war effort.

Golda Meir: [ interested, sits ] Go on.

General #3: Perhaps if you were to visit the front in, say, a revealing swimsuit, it might provide our soldiers with a much-needed moral life. [ turns ] What do you say, General Dian?

General Dian: Well, you know I’ll support any plan that’ll get Golda Meir into a revealing swimsuit.

General #3: Well, Madame Prime Minister?

Golda Meir: [ thinking, stands ] Get my leopard bikini ready. I’ll be leaving for the Golan Heights in an hour.

Announcer: [ over SUPER ] “This docu-drama, while based on actual events, includes some ficticious material. The character of Golda Meir is a composite, based on that of the real Golda Meir and a beautiful young model.” ]

[ dissolve to a protester holding up an issue of Sports Illustrated’s swimsuit issue with Golda on the cover ]

Announcer: Tomorrow night, on Part V of “The Life of Golda Meir”.. “An Attack From Within”..

Protester: Is this the person we want to lead Israel! This time Meir has gone too far!

[ dissolve to Golda Meir accepting a Nobel peace prize ]

Announcer: ..followed by “Triumph and Vindication”.

Golda Meir: I humbly thank the Nobel Academy for this award. It’s nice to be recognized for something other than my looks. Thank you.

Announcer: Tomorrow night, on “The Life of Golda Meir”.

SNL Transcripts

Censored Liberace in Heaven

Liberace…..Phil Hartman

[ open on Heaven ]

[ Liberace, dressed in flamboyant garb and angel’s wings, plays the piano with a flourish and a wide smile on his face ]

Liberace: If you thought the censors were gonna let us do more than that.. you’re still living in the 70’s!

[ continues to play the piano ]

“Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!“

SNL Transcripts

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:
February 14th, 1987

Bronson Pinchot

Paul Young

Paulina Poriskova

Buster Poindexter

Paul Young, “War Games”

Liberace In Heaven

Piano playing is all the censors will allow.

Bronson Pinchot’s Monologue

Pinchot reflects on old girlfriend he’s avoided while in New York.

Amerida

Canadian takeover of United States irks one American (Phil Hartman).

Nightline

“Amerida” plausibility is discussed further.

Recurring Characters: Ted Koppel.

Sports Illustrated’s Swimsuit Issue

Paulina Poriskova makes plea on behalf of pre-teen boys.

Derek Stevens Sells Out

“Choppin’ Broccoli” is re-recorded as Birds Eye jingle.
Recurring Characters: Derek Stevens.

Babette’s Valentine

Babette (Nora Dunn) fumes over suitor’s (Phil Hartman) choice of gifts.

Recurring Characters: Babette.

Paul Young perform “War Games”

Weekend Update with Dennis Miller

Jacques Cousteau discusses mating ritual of napkin fish.

A. Whitney Brown’s Big Picture focuses on Senate pay hike alternatives.

Dennis Miller wears a full-sized Body Condom.

The Life of Golda Meir

Meir’s (Paulina Poriskova) good looks hinder Israeli war efforts.

Police Sketch Artist

Sketch artist (Kevin Nealon) alters own face to resemble crime suspect.

Hardware Store Gigolo

Armando (Pinchot) tries to make it with Marge Keister (Jan Hooks) in hardware store.

Recurring Characters: Marge Keister.

Paul Young perform “The Long Run”

Miss Connie’s Fable Nook

Lebee (Kevin Nealon) brings smile to Princess’ (Paulina Poriskova) face.

Recurring Characters: Miss Connie, Koko, Mishu, Lebee.

Buster Poindexter performs “Heart of Gold”

SNL Transcripts

Paul Shaffer’s Monologue

…..Paul Shaffer
…..G.E. Smith

Paul Shaffer: Thank you very, very much! I’ve gotta say, it really is a kick to be here, you know? Being here at “Saturday Night Live”, it brings back so many memories of how it used to be back in those golden years. You know, the excitement, the ego crashes, the self-destructiveness, the neurotic obsessions, the panicking trips to the emergency room – I don’t know! I guess, what I remember most about it.. well, I guess it would be the ego crashes, actually, but that would probably be about it. But forget about that!

Twelve years ago, I started out as a piano player in this very band right here. And it’s still a great band, it really is. It may not come up exactly to the level of my own band that I have on “Late Night” –

G.E. Smith: [ offended ] Wait a minute! Wait a minute!

Paul Shaffer: Well, really! I mean, you don’t even look like a band! You look like a bunch of waiters!

G.E. Smith: See you later, Paul! [ starts to exit stage ]

Paul Shaffer: Wait a minute! G.E.! you can’t walk out!

G.E. Smith: Why not!

Paul Shaffer: Why not?

G.E. Smith: Yeah!

Paul Shaffer: G.E., I seem to remember a little fresh-faced kid coming to New York for the first time, looking for a break in show business. And if I remember correctly, I think it was me who gave this kid his first job in a Broadway show –

G.E. Smith: Yeah, but Paul, that wasn’t me.

Paul Shaffer: No. It wasn’t you, G.E. But still, we go back.

G.E. Smith: Way back.

Paul Shaffer: I spent five years on this show, putting together opening numbers for everybody! All the guests, all the casts. This is my one chance to open up “Saturday Night Live” the way I always thought it should open up. Will you kick it off?

G.E. Smith: Just for you, buddy!

Paul Shaffer: [ singing ]“I want to tell you a little story, baby
A story about a little show!
I’m gonna tell you a big, bad story, baby!
A story about a little late night show!
Here we go!

I said down by the skyscraper
A skyscraper called 30 Rock.
That’s 30 Rockefeller Plaza to you, baby!
That’s where you’ll find me
About 11:30 on the clock.
I don’t want to miss that cold opening, baby, whoo!
And I love that dirty water
Oh, Saturday Night, you’re my home!

Now, listen.

Frustration, right onYeah, frustrated, got to stay up past five o’clock!
That’s 5 a.m., that’s when they really start to jam!
They crash out of nowhere, that Saturday night joy will rock!
Oh, every night for 12 years, baby!
And I love that dirty water
Oh, Saturday Night’s my home!”

[ guitar solo from G.E. Smith ]

“And I love that dirty water
Oh, Saturday Night, you’re my home!

Oh, it’s nice to be back!
Here we go!

I want to stay there!
I love Saturday Night!
Saturday night, Saturday night!”

Thank you, we will be right back!

SNL Transcripts

The Grenada Experience

Father…..A. Whitney Brown

[ open on Father and Child looking at a Grenada poster outside a travel agency ]

Child: Dad? What’s Grenada?

V/O: A child’s question. But not a question a child might ask. And one, that in the past, has only led to more childish questions.

Child: Did we win the war in Grenada, Daddy?

V/O: Why did we go there? How did we find it? What did the Marines do the rest of that week?

Child: Is it really the smallest country in the world?

V/O: Time-Life Books presents: The Grenada Experience. The series designed to help you celebrate the greatest military triumph of our generation. 48 comprehensive volumes, one for every hour of this explosive period in American history. We’ll take you there, with the first troops to land. You’ll experience first-hand what it was like to ask directions from people with English accents. You’ll attend secret meetings at the White House, and meet the men who first realized that, somewhere in the world, there had to be a country we could lick. Call toll-free, and start putting the Grenada experience into focus. It’s important to gloat over Grenada. But gloating isn’t enough. Even bragging isn’t enough. It’s even more important to ask the question, “What is the big deal?” For ourselves, and for future generations.

Announcer: Call 1-800-PUSHOVER. Order now, and receive, free of charge, the 14-volume set “Time-Life History of Head-On Collisions”. Jam-packed eith photos previously published only in Mexican newspapers.

SNL Transcripts

“It Was A Very Good Year”

…..Paul Shaffer

Paul Shaffer: [ solemn and low ] You know, it’s been fun tonight, but sometimes after the fun’s over.. a man stops.. and reflects.

[ singing ]“In 1975
It was the very first year.
It was a very good year
For bees and “Never Mind”For laughs and getting small
And Chevy would fall
Something new had arrived
Way back in ’75.

In 1978
That was a wild and crazy year.
It was the year of the Stones
Of movie stars for hosts
And Brothers Czech and Blues
When Billy did the news
Belushi’s chauffeur would drive
That’s when that cat was still alive.

Then 1980 came along
That was Doumanian’s year.
Gets kinda foggy after that
Then Eddie Murphy busted through
Joe Piscopo sneaked in there, too
Then Ebersol cleaned house
“You look mahvelous” was the phrase
Those were some ten year heady days.

And now the days seem short
but, baby, this damn show’s still here.
We got a gang of fresh, young talented kids
I don’t quite know their names
But that Liar guy’s a hoot
And one of those chicks is kinda cute
We’ve launched some fine careers
It was a mess of good years.”

SNL Transcripts

Paul’s Dressing Room

…..Paul Shaffer
…..Dana Carvey
…..Nora Dunn
…..Jon Lovitz

[ open on Paul Shaffer talking on the phone in his dressing room ]

Paul Shaffer: I know, David. I understand. What are you gonna do? I know. Listen, alright, I know. So granted, it’s not the hippest atmosphere I’ve ever worked in, Dave, but you know, it’s not our show, but it’s on earlier so they don’t really have to be as hip. No, I know, they know. [ a knock at the door ] Look, Dave, they probably want me now. I’d better get going. Thanks a lot for calling, that’s great. Thank you, Dave. See you later. [ hangs up ] Come on in. [ Dana Carvey, Nora Dunn and Jon Lovitz enter, dressed as babies ] Hi, you guys!

Dana, Nora, Jon: Hi.

Paul Shaffer: What’s going on, you guys?

Dana Carvey: Well, Paul, what’s this we heard about you taking yourself out of the Sand Box sketch?

Nora Dunn: Yeah.

Paul Shaffer: Yeah, I did. It just wasn’t right for me, the sketch, you know. It’s great for you guys..

Jon Lovitz: Oh? Because you thought it was square?

Paul Shaffer: Oh, no, no, no..

Nora Dunn: Are you sure?

Paul Shaffer: No, no. Hipness was never the issue on this, really..

Dana Carvey: Come on, Paul, come on, you can level with us. Now, everyone knows you’re the hippest man in show business. And it’s been a long time since this show was considered hip.

Nora Dunn: Yeah, we really appreciate your hanging around this week. I know, compared to what you’re used to, it’s probably pretty boring.

Paul Shaffer: Hold on, you guys, don’t put yourselves down. You know, maybe this show isn’t what I’m used to. But it has a simplicity, it’s got a sincereity, it’s got a sense of innonence that I wouldn’t trade for all the hipness in the world!

Dana, Nora, Jon: Really?

Paul Shaffer: Yeah! Hipness isn’t for everybody. You guys have a different audience than we do.

Dana Carvey: That’s true.

Paul Shaffer: Sure, look at the demographics. The median age of your viewer is, what, about 51 years?

Dana Carvey: It’s more like 48, Paul.

Paul Shaffer: Well, whatever. Alright.. [ props up chart ] The average age of a “Late Night” viewer is, as you can see, is about half that. And they’re educated, too. Now, look here – the “Late Night” viewer is much more likely to open a restaurant in the next three years. Whereas, the “Saturday Night Live” viewer is more likely to have an operation. So, it’s not a very hip audience, and they’re not expecting a very hip show.

Dana, Nora, Jon: Oh, that’s great! Thanks.

Paul Shaffer: Let me tell you something about this whole “hip” thing. You know, being at the cutting edge, being hip, is not all fun and games. You know, if I had to do it all overagain, you know what I would be?

Jon Lovitz: As square as we are, Paul?

Paul Shaffer: Uh, well.. let’s just say that I would be squarer than I am now.

Dana, Nora, Jon: Oh, wow!

Paul Shaffer: See? Can you breathe again?

Dana Carvey: Paul, while we’ve got you here, let me ask you – what do you think the next hip phrase is gonna be?

Paul Shaffer: It’ll never change, babe. It’s still “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

SNL Transcripts

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:
January 31st, 1987

Paul Shaffer

Bruce Hornsby & The Range

None

Bruce Hornsby & The Range, “The Way It Is”

Paul’s Dressing Room

Spoiled by “Late Night”, “SNL” may not be hip enough for Shaffer.

Paul Shaffer’s Monologue

Shaffer sings “Saturday Night – You’re My Home”

What’s My Addiction?

Betty Ford (Jan Hooks) hosts game show devoted to addictions.

Unexpected Visit

Paul’s synthesizer lends comments to surprise visit from two dates.

The Grenada Experience

Time-Life books brings understanding to 48-hour U.S. invasion.

Bruce Hornsby & The Range perform “The Way It Is”

The Pat Stevens Show

Recurring Characters: Pat Stevens, Charlton Heston.

Pat (Nora Dunn) talks hairpieces with Shaffer and Charlton Heston (Phil Hartman).

Weekend Update with Dennis Miller

Clips from the Ferdinand Marcos workout video.

Kevin Nealon struggles for message behind post-Super Bowl depression editorial.

The Sweeney Sisters

Recurring Characters: Chinge Change, Candy Sweeney, Liz Sweeney.

The Sweeney Sisters (Nora Dunn, Jan Hooks) perform a Far East medley.

David Sees “Radio Days”

Recurring Characters: David.

Obsessed David (Jon Lovitz) trades girlfriend (Victoria Jackson) for tickets.

Bruce Hornsby & The Range perform “Mandolin Rain”

Asociacion Mexicana Del Rinon

Sell your kidneys for profit.

“It Was A Very Good Year”

SNL Transcripts

Sincere Guy Stu

Dan…..Phil Hartman
Leslie…..Jan Hooks
Stu…..Joe Montana

Dan: You know, Leslie, I could talk to you for days.

Dan’s Thoughts: Gee, I’d like to jump her bones.

Leslie: Same here. You know, I haven’t even noticed the time?

Leslie’s Thoughts: Gee, I wish he’d jump my bones.

Dan: [ checking his watch ] Whoa! I didn’t realize how late it was. You know, you’re welcome to spend the night here. In the living room.

Dan’s Thoughts: If she says yes, I’m home-free!

Leslie: Gee, you know.. I really shouldn’t..

Leslie’s Thoughts: I don’t want to seem too trampy.

Dan: Well.. suit yourself.

Leslie: Okay, I will! [ laughs ]

[ the sound of a car pulling up can be heard outside ]

Dan: Oh, great. That’s my roommate, Stu.

Dan’s Thoughts: Dammit! What a time for him to show up!

Leslie: Terrific! I’d love to meet him!

Leslie’s Thoughts: Oh, no.. he’s going to ruin everything.

Dan: I think you’ll relaly like Stu. He’s absolutely the most sincere, genuine straightforward person you’ll ever want to meet. A real honest guy.

Dan’s Thoughts: What a jerk he is!

Leslie: He sounds really nice.

Leslie’s Thoughts: God, he sounds boring!

Dan: Oh, here he is. Hey, Stu, come on in!

Stu: [ surprised there’s company ] Oh! I hope I’m not disturbing you.

Stu’s Thoughts: I hope I’m not disturbing them.

Dan: Not at all.

Dan’s Thoughts: God, he’s going to scare her away.

Dan: Uh, Stu, this is Leslie. Leslie, Stu.

Stu: [ shaking her hand ] Hi. I’m very glad to meet you.

Stu’s Thoughts: I’m very glad to meet her.

Leslie: Well, it’s nice to meet you.

Leslie’s Thoughts: God, this guy’s a stiff!

Dan: Leslie was gonna sleep in the living room. Unless thats a problem for you? In which case, she could sleep in my room, and I could sleep on the floor.

Dan’s Thoughts: Come on, you idiot! Help me out!

Leslie: You know, maybe it would be better if I stayed in Dan’s room, because we don’t want to inconvenience you.

Stu: Hey, it’s fine with me if you stay in the living room. It won’t bother me at all.

Stu’s Thoughts: It’s fine with me if she stays in the living room. It doesn’t bother me at all.

Dan: Thanks a lot, Stu.

Dan’s Thoughts: Yeah, thanks a lot, jerk!

Leslie: You know, you are so sweet.

Leslie’s Thoughts: Boy, is this guy lame!

Dan: Well, listen, Stu, I think Leslie and I are gonna stay up a while and talk, so I guess we’ll.. uh.. see you tomorrow.

Stu: Great! See you tomorrow!

Stu’s Thoughts: Great! I’ll see them tomorrow!

[ Stu heads upstairs ]

Leslie: Uh.. listen, we’ll talk quietly, so as not to disturb you, okay?

Stu: Oh, you won’t disturb me. I’ll be in my room masturbating.

Stu’s Thoughts: They won’t disturb me. I’ll be masturbating.

[ Stuart retreats upstairs ]

SNL Transcripts