For Die Hard Saturday Night Live Fans
McSooshi
[ open on American McDonald’s-like employees clapping their hands together in Japanese fashion ]
Jingle:
“Something new
From the sea.
McSooshi!
McSooshi!
Cut the fish
with the knife.
Put the fish
on the rice.
McSooshi!
McSooshi!
Fishy
Raw fishy
Fishy
Raw fishy.”
Redneck: Who’d a thunk I’d get it right here in Wyoming?
“McSooshi!
McSooshi!”
[ show Japanese man shrugging as he eats an ordinary hamburger ]
Announcer: New McSooshi. America’s eating it raw.
Seducing A Blind Man
Richard…..Jon Lovitz
Homosexual Man…..Steve Guttenberg
[ open on half-naked blind man entering his living room holding two glasses of wine ]
Richard: [ nervously ] I-I-I think you’re the most fascinating woman I’ve ever met, Janet.
[ blind man sits on the edge of his bed, next to a man he’s led himself to believe is a woman ]
Homosexual Man: [ in a feminine voice ] And you’re quite a guy, Richard.
Richard: Does it bother you at all that I’m blind?
Homosexual Man: Oh, no. Of course not. Why, in a way, you see things that sighted men never see.
Richard: You know, I don’t usually do this. I mean, it’s our first date.
Homosexual Man: Oh, of course. I’m very nervous myself.
Richard: It’s just that, you really seem like a woman I could get involved with.
Homosexual Man: Oh, Richard, I feel the same way! Come on, let’s go to bed!
Richard: Okay.
[ they climb into bed, turn the lights off and begin to fool around ]
Homosexual Man: Oh, Richard..
Richard: Oh, Janet.. [ finally discovers he’s been tricked, and screams ] God! God! [ jumps out of bed ]
Homosexual Man: [ turns the lights on and runs after Richard ] I’m sorry!
Richard: Get away from me!
Homosexual Man: I’m sorry! It’s just that I’m very attracted to you!
Richard: I know! Get out of here!
Homosexual Man: I will, I will.. but first, please, I think you deserve an explanation..
Richard: Oh no, I don’t need one! Just get out!
Homosexual Man: Look, I just thought that since you were blind, you would understand. Does it make that big a difference?
Richard: YES, it makes that big a difference! Oh, God.. I’m getting sick.. [ sits ]
Homosexual Man: Well, listen, I feel terrible. Can I make this up to you?
Richard: Yes! Leave!
Homosexual Man: How about a back rub?
Richard: No! God, no! Just get out of here, go!
Homosexual Man: Okay. I’m really sorry. Alright. I’m leaving. I’m taking my clothes, and I’m leaving. [ picks up his clothes ]
Richard: Oh, good.
Homosexual Man: I’m really sorry. [ opens door as if to leave, then closes it and climbs right back into the bed ]
Richard: Oh God, I can’t believe it! Oh, what a nightmare. Alright, just go to sleep. [ screams and jumps out of bed after being tricked a second time ]
Homosexual Man: I’m sorry! Alright, look.. try to calm to down. You’ve had a very bad scare, it’s a horrible, horrbile feeling.
Richard: Get out! Get out!
Homosexual Man: Look, I don’t blame you one bit. I mean –
Richard: Look, I’m gonna call the police..
Homosexual Man: No! Wait a minute, you don’t have to do that! I’ll leave, I leared my lesson, I’ll leave..
Richard: Oh, yeah. Why should I believe you? I’m calling the police! Oh, I feel sick.
Homosexual Man: [ fakes a knock on the door ]
Richard: Who is it?
Homosexual Man: Uh-oh! [ hands muffling his voice ] It’s the police! What’s going on in there! [ normal voice ] Uh-oh, I’m in trouble now! Uh, nothing, officer! [ muffles voice ] We’re coming in! [ fakes opening the door ] What’s going on here! [ normal voice ] Uh.. it’s me, sir. I’m a homosexual.. and I was posing as a woman to try and seduce this hetereosexual blind guy.. [ muffled voice ] Is this true, sir!
Richard: Yeah! He won’t leave. He’s making me sick.
Homosexual Man: [ muffled voice ] Don’t worry – we’ve got him now! He should be locked up for some time! [ normal voice ] Look, I’m really sorry.. [ muffled voice ] Come on, now! [ normal voice ] I’m really – [ muffled voice ] Come on! [ pretends to open and close the door as though he’s been carried away ]
Richard: [ still somewhat suspicious, but hoping he’s gone ] You’d better not be here! One more time, and I’m gonna puke. [ feels around the bed ] You’d better not be here! [ is convinced the guy is done ] Oh, thank God! Ah.
[ guy sneaks back into th bed, as the blind guy climbs in himself, then quickly jumps out of bed and screams when he discovers he’s been tricked yet again ]
Homosexual Man: I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry!
Richard: Where’s the phone! Where’s the phone!
Homosexual Man: I’m sorry! If you could see how attracted I am to you..!
Richard: [ picks up his phone ] Hello, Police? Hello! Hello!
[ Steve Guttenberg breaks character ]
Steve Guttenberg: Hi, I’m Steve Guttenberg. We’ve had soem laughs during this little scene, but we’re really here to make a serious point. And that is that this kind is an awful thing to do to someone. Now, we don’t know that it happens very often – but even if it happens just once, that’s bad enough. Now, I don’t know if we’re calling for any specific legislation or anything. It’s more a matter of exercising a little common sense, and putting yourself in the other person’s shoes. Right, Jon?
Jon Lovitz: Right! Good night.
Steve Guttenberg: Good night.
[ fade out ]
The Back Page
Pavaratta…..Steve Guttenberg
O’Malley…..Dana Carvey
Sully…..Jon Lovitz
Red…..Phil Hartman
Panicking Man…..Kevin Nealon
Ruby…..Nora Dunn
Announcer: The late 1930’s. Our nation’s newspapers were in their heyday. The big headlines and the big reporters are often credited with their success. But this scene is dedicated to those valient men and women who worked for.. “The Back Page”!
[ open in Back Page newsroom ]
Pavaratta: That’s stupid!
O’Malley: Yeah, who ya calling stupid?
Pavaratta: I’m looking at him!
O’Malley: Why, I oughtta pound you!
Pavaratta: I’d like to see you try!
O’Malley: Yeah, well just cross this line!
Pavaratta: You’ll wish I hadn’t!
[ Sully the Editor enters ]
Sully: Alright, you two, cut the racket. We’re trying to decide who buys lunch. Alright, Red, whaddaya got?
Red: Get out your hankies, Sully – two one-eyed rogues and a pair of ladies.
Sully: Yeah, there’ll be no nose blowing today – threee old gentlemen and a ducknose.
Pavaratta: What’s a ducknose?
Sully: A lot more than some cub reporters around here! [ garbage truck honks outside ] Hey, garbage truck coming – hand it over! Come on, come on! [ grabs money and runs to the window ] Hey, Joey! Three regular; one with mustard, and one with mayo!
Voice Outside: You got it!
Sully: Now, what were you two squawking about?
O’Malley: I’m trying to teach him how to write a headline, Boss.
Sully: Oh, whaddaya got there?
Pavaratta: “Mayor Donates A Pint of Blood”.
Sully: O’Malley?
O’Malley: “Pint of Blood Donated By Mayor”.
Sully: Ah, you’re both wrong. Tell ’em, Red!
Red: You never say “Mayor”! It’s always “His Honor”! H-I-double Z-O-N-E-R! “His Honor Gives Blood”! Period! O’Malley, that’s your story!
[ garbage truck honks again; Sully looks out window ]
Sully: Thanks, Joey! Keep the change!
[ Panicking Man pokes into the newsroom ]
Panicking Man: It was horrible! Horrible!
Sully: What was?
Red: Hey, settle, fella, and take it from the beginning!
Panicking Man: It was the Hindenberg! It exploded coming into Lakehurst in Jersey! There was flames! Screams! I tell ya, it was horrible!
O’Malley: What a story! I’m gonna write this one!
Pavaratta: I saw it first!
O’Malley: Why, I oughtta pound you!
Sully: Ah, pipe down, you two! Tell ‘im, Red.
Red: Ah, that’s a front page story, buddy. You want the door down the hall.
Panicking Man: It was horrible! [ exits ]
Sully: Think we can find an angle on this one, Red?
Red: [ looking at map on wall ] Well.. here’s Lakehurst. Winds blow predominantly south to north?
Sully: Yeah. A lot of soot’s gonna fall on Passaic.
Red: On a large percent of Passaic.
Sully: Soot’s the fertilizer.
Red: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Sully: Yep.
Together: “Bumper Apple Crop Expected!”
Sully: Pavaratta give me a half a paragraph on that by next Tuesday!
Pavaratta: A half a paragraph?! A half a paragraph?! Every week, it’s another half a paragraph!
Sully: What’s eating him?
O’Malley: Can’t type.
Pavaratta: Can, too!
O’Malley: Why, I oughtta pound you!
Sully: You’re a crybaby of a newspaperman!
O’Malley: He’s a crybaby!
Pavaratta: I shoulda been an aviator!
O’Malley: Yeah, a blimp pilot! [ laughs ]
[ raises hand ] She-e-e-et up!
[ Ruby enters ]
Ruby: Hello, boys.
Sully: Hello, Ruby!
Red: Hi, Angel!
Cub Reporters: Hello, Ruby!!
Sully: Any leads?
Ruby: By the bushel.
Sully: Lay one on me.
Ruby: You like dogs?
Sully: Love ’em!
Ruby: Suppose I was to tell you that the Poughkeepsie Kennel Club just had a dog show!
Sully: You don’t say!
Ruby: That ain’t the half of it. A certain Pekinese was inches from the Blue Ribbon when she dropped a litter right on the reviewing stand.
Red: Now, that’s a story! Got a headline, Sully?
Sully: “Pregnant Pekinese Pops in Poughkeepsie.”
Red: Ha ha! Priceless! O’Malley, that one’s yours!
O’Malley: Perfect, Boss!
Sully: What else, dollface?
Ruby: Yeah, I’ll just bet you want to know, wouldn’t you? Well, listen, both of yous, because I’m only gonna say this once – I had dinner with a Persian prince last night.
Sully: Yeah?
Ruby: Yeah. I took this guy back to my apartment, what do you think impressed him the most?
Sully: Can’t imagine.
Ruby: The water closet. Seems they have a sewage problem in Persia.
Sully: What is it?
Ruby: They don’t have one.
Sully: Got a headline, Red?
Red: “Persian People Poop in Public.”
Sully: Print it!
Red: Pick up your paycheck, Princess!
Ruby: I will. so long, boys! [ exits ]
Sully: So long, Angel!
Red: Now, that’s a newspaperman!
Sully: Have it right up! Punch up a paragraph on the Persian problem!
Pavaratta: Another one? I haven’t finished the last one!
Sully: Get on it!
[ phone rings ]
Sully: Back Page. Yeah? Yeah! Oh okay, Morty, thanks for the tip!
Red: What is it, Sully? I haven’t seen you this worked up in years!
Sully: Well, there’s only one thing that could get me this excited!
Red: You don’t mean?
Sully: Yep! There’s a new A&P opening on Southern Parkway in the Bronx. Let’s go, boys!
[ everyone races out of office, to fade ]
Air Date:
Host:Musical Guest:Special Guests:
December 13th, 1986
Steve Guttenberg
The Pretenders
Penn & Teller
Tim Robbins
Buster Poindexter
The Pretenders, “Don’t Get Me Wrong”.
Iranian (Jon Lovitz) answers committee questions.
Guttenberg plays the tuba with the SNL band.
Raw fish added to the golden arches menu.
Publicist (Kevin Nealon) says death will help Derek’s (Dana Carvey) sales.Recurring Characters: Derek Stevens.
Pervert (Guttenberg) and blind man (Jon Lovitz) address subject with sketch.
Grotesque celebrities encompass new sideshow attraction.Recurring Characters: Casey Kasem.
“AIEEEE” is the word that beings National Spelling Bee to a close.Babette (Nora Dunn) likens French apology to making love to a whore.Recurring Characters: Babette.
Guttenberg meets girlfriend’s (Victoria Jackson) parents (Phil Hartman, Jan Hooks).
They perform the world’s most expensive card trick from Times Square remote.
The less important stories are put to print in period spoof.
Actress (Victoria Jackson) takes agent’s (Kevin Nealon) words literally.
Documentary film of First Amendment martyr folk singer (Tim Robbins).
Dad’s (Phil Hartman) Christmas spirit is artificial.
A Holiday Wish
…..Steve Martin
Steve Martin: If I had one wish that I could wish this holiday season, it would be for all the children of the world to join hands and sing together in the spirit of harmony and peace.
If I had two wishes that I could wish for this holiday season, the first would be for all the children of the world to join hands and sing in the spirit of harmony and peace.. and the second would be for $30 million a month to be given to me, tax-free in a Swiss bank account.
You know, if I had three wishes that I could make this holiday season, first, of course, would be for all the children to get together and sing.. the second would be for the $30 million every month to me.. and the third would be for all encompassing power over every living being thing in the entire universe.
And if I had four wishes that I could make this holiday season, first would be the crap about the kids.. second would be for the $30 million.. the third would be for all the power.. and the fourth would be to set aside one month each year for an extended 31-day orgasm, to be brought about slowly by Rosanna Arquette and that model Paulina somebody, I can’t think of her name, of course my lovely wife could come, too. She’s behind me 100% on this, I guarantee you.
Wait a minute, maybe that sex thing should be the first wish! So, if I made that the first wish, because, you know, it could all go boom tomorrow, and then what have you got? No, no.. the kids singing would be great, that would be nice. No, no, who am I kidding! I mean, theyu’re not gonna be able to get all those kids together! I mean, the logistics of the thing is impossible! It’s mroe trouble than it’s worth! So, we reorganize: here we go. First, the sex – we go with that; second, the money. No! We go with the power second, then the money, and then the kids. Oh, wait, oh geez! I forgot about revenge against my enemies! Okay.. revenge against all my enemies, they should die like pigs in Hell! That would be the fourth wish! And of course, my fifth wish would be for all the children of the world to join hands and sing in the spirit of peace and harmony. Thank you, everybody.
Weekend Update with Dennis Miller & Chevy Chase
…..Dennis Miller
…..Chevy Chase
Tommy Flanagan…..Jon Lovitz
[ Music Open: “Theme From The Odd Couple” ]
Anouncer: And now, “Weekend Update”, with anchorperson Dennis Miller.
Dennis Miller: Thank you very much, good evening. I’m Dennis Miller.
Chevy Chase: And I’m not! [ laughs ]
For a quick reminder of this week’s sensational events, let’s look at some current cover stories. Here’s tomorrow’s New York Times magazine: “What Went Wrong?”; this week’s Newsweek asks: “Who Knew?”; U.S. News asks: “Who Else Knew?”; Time wants to know: “How Far Does It Go?”; Esquire asks: “What Are You Doing With the Rest of Your Life?”; and that popular tabloid, The Sun, wraps it all up with: “Girl Gives Birth to Vampire Baby”. A full coverage, to say the least.
President Reagan raised eyebrows this week, when he pronounced fired lieutenant colonel Oliver North a “hero” for engineering the illegal funding of the Contras via Iran. This proclamation caused a domino effect, upgrading the status of presumed criminals everywhere. So, if you’re keeping score at home, Sirhan Sirhan is now a Saint, John Wayne Gacy is now a National Treasure, Charles Manson is a Demigod – but he always knew that, and Gallagher’s still a jerk. Sorry, Gallagher.
Dennis Miller: Chevy?
Chevy Chase: Thanks, Dennis.
In the wake of the Iran controversy, poll watchers have closely monitored the president’s dropping popularity. The latest Weekend Update U.S. news poll has the President with only a 46% approval rating, a 20% drop since.. uh, here’s a bulletin. Right now, it’s down to 41%, and it seems to be.. uh-oh! Here’s another one! [ laughs ] Down to 38%! Dennis?
Dennis Miller: Thanks, Chevy. Exciting story there.
You know, even as President Reagan continues to deny allegations that his administration is a puppet regime, he did announce plans for a new syndicated TV show – “Kukla, Iran & Ollie”. And now it looks like Donald Regan will soon be the next sacrificial Lamb Chop.
Dennis Miller: Chevy?
Chevy Chase: [ laughing ]
Clint Eastwood’s new war movie, “Heartbreak Ridge”, opened this week, and it’s about Grenada. Incidentally, at two hours, twenty-four minutes, the movie clocks in about three minutes longer than the actual invasion itself.
Chevy Chase: Here’s some more of our Weekend Update U.S. news poll, on the President’s approval rating. As you can see, the downward trend from 30 seconds ago seems to continuing, and.. whoa-oa-oa! [ approval rating now reads “27%” ] Look at that sucker go! It sure is something to watch, isn’t it, Dennis?
Dennis Miller: I am stunned, Chevy!
Christmas approaches, and the question becomes what to buy the children in your life. Well, why not a See ‘N Say? Remember this popular toy? You dial a specific animal, and you pull the string.. [ demonstrates with horse ] Cute, huh? But, you know, kids today crave up-to-the-minute toys, so here’s the newest version of the See ‘N Say – it’s the Congressional Subpoena See ‘N Say. We have Oliver North and John Poindexter and Regan – you know the guys. Let’s see what Pointdexter says.. [ pulls string ]
See ‘N Say: I refuse to answer, on the grounds that it might incriminate me.
Dennis Miller: And.. Oliver North? [ pulls string ]
See ‘N Say: I refuse to answer, on the grounds that it might incriminate me.
Dennis Miller: And, you know, the crazy thing is, I must have pulled this thing about forty times, and it just kept saying the damn thing all the time!
Well, White House Spokesman Larry Speakes resigned this week. Insiders speculate that first in line to replace him is none other than the President of Pathological Liars Anonymous, Mr. Tommy Flanagan! Mr. Flanagan is here with us tonight. Care to comment, Tommy?
Tommy Flanagan: Well.. I’m not really first in line. no, I, uh.. why, I already have the job! Yeah! In fact, I’ve had it for months! Yeah, sure, I have! Of course, with Larry there, I stayed behind the scenes. Yeah. But, speaking of Speakes, I was speaking to him yesterday. Speakes said, “You’re fired! Get out, get out!” Sure, he says he quit, but what do you expect him to say? He’s a liar.
Now, about this Iranian deal. Well, it wasn’t really a deal, you see.. it was a.. present! Yeah! The Ayatollah Bicentennial! Yeah, that’s the ticket. He’s 200 years old. Almost twice as old as the President. Yes. Oh, by the way, it wasn’t weapons we sent to Iran. No, it was.. uh.. uh.. alright, it was weapons! But he didn’t send cash to the contras, no, that would be illegal! No, he sent contraceptives to the condors. Yeah! Because there’s too many of them! Why, they mate like there’s no tomorrow! Yeah, just like his staff. Yeah, the whole thing was their fault.. except for me, of course. I was on vacation at the time, with my mistress.. uh.. Jeanne Kirkpatrick! And then my wife found out about it, uh.. Morgan Fairchild! Yeah. Why, she was so jealous, she cut off my, uh.. allowance! So, what could I do? Sell my gun collection to the Irans and get a job with the President? I’m taking the fifth. No, no! I’m taking all five, yeah that’s the ticket!
Dennis Miller: Tommy Flanagan, thank you. Nice to see, Tommy. Chevy?
Chevy Chase: Sorry, am I late? Any mail for me?
Dennis Miller: None of it favorable!
Tomorrow, December 7th, is the 45th anniversary of the bombing of Pearl Harbor, which started the movie careers of John Wayne, Ward Bond, Van Johnson, William Bendix, Aldo Ray and Ronald Reagan. We’d like to thank the empire of Japan for creating these great stars, especially Aldo Ray, who I understand wanted to be President at one time.
Dennis Miller: Mmm-hmm.
Chevy Chase: Mmm-hmm.
Dennis Miller: Mmm-hmm.
Chevy Chase: Mmm-hmm.
Dennis Miller: How’s that for witty banter between us, huh?
Chevy Chase: Why don’t you take the next story, Dennis?
Dennis Miller: Okay, Chevy!
You know, Klaus von Bulow was sent home early from a New York hospital this week. The ailing von Bulow evidently angered hospital officials when he kept insisting on telling the anesthesiologist how to do his job.
Dennis Miller: Did you like that, Chevy?
Chevy Chase: Yeah. I like this one even better.
Dennis Miller: Okay. [ chortles ]
Chevy Chase: This is my favorite one.
Dennis Miller: This is the best one?
During his trip to Australia, Pope John Paul II kissed a small boy and turned him into a koala bear. John Paul said it was an accident, and the boy’s parents are suing.
Dennis Miller: You see, you knew that one was going to be good, didn’t you?
Chevy Chase: Thank you, Dennis!
The controversy over sex education in public schools continues. While many Americans are pro-sex education, fundamentalists still believe that too many sex education classes too early in life could possibly cause premature matriculation.
Dennis Miller: I smelled trouble there when I got up this morning!
In other news today, the White House denied a report that during an argument over the Iran scandal, President Reagan said to Nancy, “Get off my damn back!” when actually what he said was, “Put your head under my arm, and your left leg around my neck, and I’ll show you what a full-nelson looks like.”
Chevy Chase: Dennis?
Dennis Miller: Thank you, Chevy!
You know, the President’s pained expression the other day was reportedly resolved in recurrance with a problem with his colon. That was confirmed the next morning by this Daily News headline which explains everything. [ “Ron Calls For Probe” ]
Dennis Miller: Chevy?
Due to an increasing lack of participation in the Thanksgiving holiday, the Department of the Interior has announced that it will be replaced next year by a new holiday – Thanks-taking. A spokesman for the department said, “We don’t know what it is, but it tested very well.”
Chevy Chase: Uh, let’s take one more look at that updated poll on the President’s popularity, and good news for the President – no appreciable loss from two minutes, forty-one seconds ago.. [ SUPER: “Now 26%” ] ..so perhaps the leveling off trend is, uh..
[ the approval rating quickly begins to decline, as Chevy and Dennis express their panic and dismay ]
[ SUPER: “This Very Instant 18%” ]
[ SUPER: “This Very Instant 9%” ]
[ SUPER: “This Very Instant 1%” ]
[ SUPER: “This Very Instant -12%” ]
[ SUPER: “This Very Instant -14%” ]
[ SUPER: “This Very Instant -46%” ]
Dennis Miller: I can’t take it any more, Chevy!
Chevy Chase: Boy, I’m pooped.
Dennis Miller: It hurts your eyes.
Chevy Chase: You’re telling me. Good night, Chet.
Dennis Miller: Good night, Dave, and guess what, folks? That’s the news, and we are outta here!
Stumblebums Anonymous
…..Kevin Nealon
…..Steve Martin
…..Martin Short
…..Chevy Chase
[ open on exterior, Gerald Ford Clinic ]
[ dissolve to interior, Stumblebums Anonymous conference room, Kevin Nealon sitting, with broken arm, in chair in the middle of the room ]
[ Steve Martin opens the door and looks in ]
Steve Martin: Um.. is, uh, this the Gerald Ford Clinic?
Kevin Nealon: Yes, it is.
Steve Martin: Great!
[ Steve closes the door, walks across the room and trips over Kevin’s foot, falling to the floor before finally taking a seat ]
Steve Martin: Hi, I’m Steve, and I’m a stumblebum.
Kevin Nealon: Hi, Kevin, I’m a stumblebum, too.
[ Martin Short enters the room, stepping into a bucket and tripping into an American flagpole near the window ]
Martin Short: Hello! Sorry! Is this where the group therapy is?
Kevin Nealon: Yep.
Steve Martin: Yep.
Martin Short: [ takes a seat ] Okay! I’m Marty!
Steve Martin: Hi, Marty. I’m a stumblebum.
Kevin Nealon: Kevin, stumblebum.
Martin Short: Hi, Marty, stumblebum.
[ Chevy Chase opens the door and peers into the room ]
Chevy Chase: I’m sorry. I’m late. I’m very sorry.
[ in an attempt to close the door, Chevy accidentally pulls off the doorknob, bumping into a coffeepot sitting on an endtable next to the door. He then bangs his nose into the door before closing it. ]
Chevy Chase: I’m very sorry I’m late..
[ Chevy bumps into an easel, knocking it to the floor ]
Chevy Chase: Knock that down! [ laughs ]
[ Chevy steps into the flag, sending it crashing into the lamp and ruffling the venetian blinds covering the window. He salutes as the flag falls to the floor. He attempts to place his jacket onto a coat rack, but sends it crashing to the floor as well. He knocks a chalkboard around as well, until he finally manages to take his seat ]
Chevy Chase: Now.. welcome to the therapy session. Any questions? I’m your counselor. Nope? Well, get’s started.
[ extends his arms outward, causing the chair to fall to the floor ]
Chevy Chase: “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”
The Pat Stevens Show
Pat Stevens…..Nora Dunn
Corazon Aquino…..Jan Hooks
[ open on Pat leafing through Vogue magazine ]
Pat Stevens: Hi, thank you! Hello, everybody! Welcome to “The Pat Stevens Show”, I’m Pat Stevens. Well, you caught me doing my favorite thing – reading a good book! You know, I like to think of my mind as a big, empty bucket, just waiting to be filled with pictures and words and.. whatever. Surprise me! That’s why Vogue is my favorite book.. and you know, I have my own library – volumes and volumes of Vogue. You know, I can just refer to them. What was I thinking last October? Well, I can look, and it’s right her, between September and November! I just love leafing through the pictures.. I know there’s pain in the world, and poison and hunger and other bad things, but I love a jersey knit. [ sighs ] And the pictures are just so educational.. [ flips to a page ] Here’s one I just love. [ holds it up to the audience ] It’s a picture of a woman in a fur, and she has a baby. I’ve always thought that childrenmade the best accessories! Well, gals, please pick up a book, Icannot express that enough – they’re not that heavy. Let’s stand up, shall we? Let’s do that together, keeping our knees in a locked position.. [ she rises ] ..we rise up, and you want to create a what? A line, yes! And our feet are positioned so that we can move about very freely, going wherever we like.. You can tell I’m a former model – thank you! Well, we’re ready to meet our very, very special guest today. I’m very honored to have her here – Mrs. Corazon Aquino! [ Corazon walks up and sits down ] Wow.. it is just such an honor to have you here, Mrs. Aquino.
Corazon Aquino: Well, thank you. You can call me “Corie.”
Pat Stevens: Corie. I understand that you have been busy as a bee lately.
Corazon Aquino: [ laughs ] Yes, you might say that, Pat. We have been working out a ceasefire agreement with the insurgents. The truce begins December 10th, for 60 days, we’re very excited about it..
Pat Stevens: [ interrupting ] Okay, what about the shoes?
Corazon Aquino: [ confused ] The shoes?
Pat Stevens: Yes, the shoes!
Corazon Aquino: Uh.. shoes are not the issue here, Pat..
Pat Stevens: I mean, 3,000 pairs of shoes in the basement! Didyou keep any of them?
Corazon Aquino: Uh.. no..
Pat Stevens: Did you try them on, and wear them around the palace?
Corazon Aquino: No.
Pat Stevens: Corie, I mean.. 3,000 pairs of shoes! I mean, a bulldozer couldn’t have pulled me out of that room! You didn’t even try one pair on?
Corazon Aquino: Well.. I did try one pair on. Only one.But it was too small.
Pat Stevens: Well, try a shoe-stretcher, they’re miracle workers! Now, have you talked to Imelda lately?
Corazon Aquino: I have nothing to say to Imelda Marcos. She is a foolish, foolish woman, who lost her country due to her excessive greed and vanity. Uh.. she is despciable, and I have no respect for her whatever.
Pat Stevens: You know, I had a roommate like that in college. Ate my food, wore my clothes without asking.. Was Imelda like that? I mean, that just drove me up the wall! What did she say: “I have 3,000 pairs of shoes, but no, I’ll borrow your one pair! I have 500 cocktail dresses, but I’ll wearo ne of yours and spill something on it!”
Corazon Aquino: No, no, no, no.. excuse me, there are many concerns besides Imelda. I have a job that is very difficult. There are people who say I can’t do this job..
Pat Stevens: There are people who say I can’t do this job, and that’s another thing that burns my britches!
Corazon Aquino: Pat, if we could get off the subject of yourburning britches for one just minute.. I feel that the American peopleshould know that I am tough, I am a woman, and I can lead my country!
Pat Stevens: Well, you’ve convinced me, and certainly my viewers. But what about your husband? What does he think about this job that you’ve taken?
Corazon Aquino: [ shocked by the question ] My husband wasassassinated three years ago.
Pat Stevens: Are you dating?
Corazon Aquino: Am I dating? No! That’s not the priority here,Pat! I mean, maybe after the next insurgency problem has been corrected, when the economy is back on his feet, after we have a constitution.. when I feel the government is stabilized.. then, and only then will I consider a social life! [ sees Pat buried in her Vogue magazine ] Hello!
Pat Stevens: Oh! Will you look at these Italian shoes here? [ forces magazine upon Corazon ] Did Imelda have a pair like that? I tell you, I’d give up my country for 3,000 pairs of these! [ closing music starts ] Bye bye, I’m Pat Stevens! [ back to Corazon ] Come on, look!
[ fade out ]
Chevy Chase, Steve Martin & Martin Short’s Monologue
…..Chevy Chase
…..Steve Martin
…..Martin Short
…..Lorne Michaels
[ the audience applauds wildly ]Martin Short: They like us! They like us!
Chevy Chase: Thank you!
[ Chevy throws his arms out and quiets the audience ]
Chevy Chase: Thank you very much, and good evening to you all.
Martin Short: First, I think, maybe, we should start out by saying our names. I’m Martin Short!
Steve Martin: And.. [ shrugs in acknowledgment ]
Chevy Chase: It’s great to be back in Studio 8H, and it’s great to be doing my old pratfalls. Let me just start by saying that I want you all to know.. uh.. I’ve been away for awhile, I was at a facility. And I really could not have done it without all of you. And that means you and you.. the letters and the cards.. uh, I don’t know how to thank you all enough.. and I certainly couldn’t have done it without the support of my friends here. It feels great to be, uh.. I’m in good shape.. I feel loose, I did a little fall.. it wasn’t a big deal, I got a little twitch in my back..
Steve Martin: Did you hurt yourself over there?
Chevy Chase: A little.
Steve Martin: Take a back pill! Take it.
Chevy Chase: [ resisting ] No, no, I can’t.
Steve Martin: Give him a back pill!
Chevy Chase: No! No!
[ Steve holds Chevy back as Martin throws back pills into his mouth ]
Chevy Chase: Enough!! Enough!! [ breaks free ]
Martin Short: Alright!
Steve Martin: Hey, you know what you need?
Chevy Chase: What?
Steve Martin: A drink. Give him a drink!
[ Martin holds a flask over Chevy’s mouth ]
Chevy Chase: I know, Happy New Year! Alright, alright.
Steve Martin: I’d like to say something. You know, I haven’t been on this stage for a couple of years, and I’m very happy to be here.. it brings back a lot of memories for me.. when the energy was flowing, and, uh.. the old.. uh.. confidence was there.. [ sighs, almost sweating ] Could you guys take care of the show for me, please? [ walks off ]
Chevy Chase: What’s wrong with him?
Martin Short: Steve?
Chevy Chase: Steve?
Steve Martin: Could you handle the show for me, please? Don’t embarrass me any more!
Martin Short: [ to Chevy ] I should go and talk to him. Should I go and talk to him? Yeah! [ runs after Steve ] Steve! Steve! Steve! [ passes him in the hall ] Oh! [ stops ] Steve! Steve, what’s wrong?
Steve Martin: [ upset ] I don’t know! It’s just that you guys have all the talent, I don’t have any talent, I never did! They’re gonna see right through me, they’re gonna know I’m a sham, I was a fake! They’re gonna say, “What did we ever see in that buffoon?!”
Martin Short: What are you talking about?
Steve Martin: I don’t want to hog anything from you guys!
[ Chevy has finally caught up with them at the end of the hall ]
Martin Short: You’re not! You are being ridiculous! What would Katherine Hepburn say at a moment like this? Can you imagine what she would say?
Steve Martin: No?
Martin Short: She’d say.. [ breaks into Katherine Hepburn voice ] “Listen to me, mister! I’m telling you that you’ve done this a thousand times before, darling, and you’ll do it again! Why do you question it? So I want you to look fear in the eye and say, “To hell with you! I think I’ll survive, thank you very much!””
Chevy Chase: You can do it, Steve! You just go out there and be yourself – you’re you!
Martin Short: Yes!
Steve Martin: Yeah. You’re right. Just be.. me! Thanks, amigos! [ continues to walk down the hall, reflecting ] What was I thinking about? I’ve faced a lot tougher things than this. I’ve gotten through it all, too! I mean, this is nothing! After all, I’m me!
[ breaks into song ]
“And nothing’s gonna stop me!
‘Cause I’m somebody!
That’s right! I’m me!
I’m not you, or you, or you, or you!
I’m me!
I’m gonna climb to the top of the tree!
I’m gonna ford that stream!
Gonna make all the world mine!
That’s right!
And nobody’s gonna stop me!”
[ the cast and crew now appears behind Steve ]
Steve Martin: Wait a minute.. Or, are they?
Cast: No.. no.. no..
Steve Martin: Could they?
Cast: No.. no.. no.. no.. no.. no..
Steve Martin: Naaaaaahhhhh!!
“I’m me! Nobody’s gonna stop me!
Not you, or you, or you, or you!”
Stagehand: Sorry, sir, you can’t come in here.
[ Steve punches him across the face; cast cheers ]
Joe Disco: It’s him!
Steve Martin: It’s really, really me!
Cast: Yes, it’s him, it’s really him!
Steve Martin:
And you know something folks?
I feel.. [ stops ]
But, wait. What if I’m a girl?
Why, then, I’ll be the best darn girl there ever was!
Because I’m me!
And they’re ain’t nobody gonna stop me!
And, you know..
if someone takes a knife, and they stick it in my guts,
and all my guts spill out all over the floor.
You know what I’m gonna do?
Cast: What? What?
Steve Martin:
I’m gonna pick up my guts
and stick ’em back inside!
That’s right, inside me!
“I’m gonna climb that tree
I’m gonna climb that tree
I’m gonna climb that mountain
I’m gonna.. climb this ladder!
Put anything in front of me, I’m gonna climb it!
Ha!
I’m gonna get off that ladder!
I..”
Hey, wait! Hold it!
[ stops ]
I’ve lost my place. Let me see that cue card. Hold it. [ grabs cue card ] “I’m me. Yes, me.” I said, “:Me is me..” Ah! Here it is!
I’m me!
You’re not me!
And you’re not me!
And you’re not me!
[ Steve’s earlier self, complete with white suit and fake arrow through his head rises before him ]
Steve Martin: Well, I don’t care if you are me, ’cause I’m the me-est me there ever was!
[ Steve enters Lorne’s office through a window ]
Lorne Michaels: Are you about through, Steve?
Steve Martin: Almost. Hey, wait a minute! Look! [ poimts to his image on a studio monitor ] Why, it’s me watching me watching me!
Cast:
“It’s him! Yes, it’s him!
There he goes! There he goes!
He’s on his way to the place that he’s go-ingggggg!”
[ Steve and the cast and crew shimmy to the front of the stage ]
Cast:
“He’s really moving! He’s rolling through now!
And wow, and wow, and wowwww!”
Steve Martin:
“Gonna get to where I’m going
gonna get there fast!
That magical place, it’s just around the corner!
Why, I can almost smell it!
That place called.. there!”
[ points to Home Base, where a long-since bored Chevy and Martin are playing Checkers ]
Steve Martin:
“Yes, world, I’m here!
‘Cause I’m meeee-eeeee-eeeee-eeee!!”
We’ll be right back!
Masterbrain
Reporter…..Nora Dunn
President Reagan…..Phil Hartman
William Casey…..Jon Lovitz
White House Aide…..Dennis Miller
Staffer #1…..A. Whitney Brown
Staffer #2…..Kevin Nealon
Jimmy Stewart…..Dana Carvey
[ open on exterior, White House ]
[ dissolve to interior, Oval Office, President Reagan being interviewedby a reporter ]
Reporter: And finally, Mr. President, about the Iran-Nicaraguanconnection. Some may wonder which was worse: your knowing or your notknowing?
President Reagan: [ slow ] Well.. all I can say is.. I didn’t know. And, well.. we’re trying to find out what happened, because.. none of us know.
Reporter: Well, thank you, Mr. President.
President Reagan: [ shaking her hand ] Well.. I hope I’ve answered your questions as best I could.. given the very little I know. Goodbye, and God bless you. Thank you very much. [ she exits the Oval Office, as Reagan suddenly alters his personality to a take-charge attitude ] Okay, get back in here! [ his staffers enter the Oval Office from the adjacent room ] Alright, let’s get down to business! I’m only going to go through this once, so it’s essential that you pay attention! 1: Casey!
William Casey: Yes, Sir!
President Reagan: You’ll spearhead our new operation to fund theContras. The C-5As with the TOW missiles and the grenade launchers will leave for South Africa at 0800 hours! I want you to supervise the loading. 2: Regan!
Don Regan: Yes, Sir.
President Reagan: Well.. I’m afriad you’re going to have to resign. But.. first you’ll make a public statement supporting me, which I wrote myself. It’s over there on the word processor, just key in and press 5. The code name is..? [ Regan shrugs his shoulders ] Oh, alright, I’ll do it for you! Now, any questions? [ Casey raises his hand ] Yes.
William Casey: Mr. President, you’re going so fast. There’s still a lot about the Iran-Contra Affair I don’t understand..
President Reagan: And you don’t need to understand! I’m the President! Only I need to understand! Is that clear?
William Casey: Yes.
President Reagan: Alright. [ presses button to make art print onwall lower to reveal a multi-colored map of the world ] Carlucci, you’re new, here’s how we run things. The red countries are the countries we sell arms to. The green countries are the countries where we wash our money. The blue countries are..
White House Aide: [ entering ] Excuse me, Mr. President, Sir?
President Reagan: Yes?
White House Aide: It’s your 11:30 photo opportunity – the littlegirl who sold the most Girl Scout cookies?
President Reagan: Damn! Okay, let’s get it over with.Everybody out. [ staffers get up ] Come on, come on! Move! [ they exit ] This is the part of the job I hate! [ the Girl Scout enters, as Reagan alters back to his senile personality ] Well.. hello, little girl.. what’s your name?
Girl Scout: Lisa Meyers.
President Reagan: Well, Lisa.. if you’re that good a saleslady..maybe I could use you up on Capitol Hill.. [ laughs ] Well, it was nice meeting you.
White House Aide: Come on, Lisa, come on.
Girl Scout: Bye.
President Reagan: Bye bye! [ Girl Scout exits Oval Office ] Okay, back to work! [ staff re-enters ] Afghanistan needs more money. We’ve got $65.2 million tucked away in Zurich. Now, if we hold it there for another 30 days, at 7.28% interest, that’s.. roughly.. $400,000.
Staffer #1: [ with calculator ] $397,200..
President Reagan: .. and 85! I know! Don’t waste my time! But.. if we take out only $20 million, we lose.. let’s see, let’s see.. that’s..
Staffer #1: $121,800..
President Reagan: and 16! Thank you so much![ intercom buzzes ] Yes?
Voice on Intercom: Mr. President? It’s Mr. Kuran Hasaf Husad.
President Reagan: Alright, put him on the speaker.
Voice on Speaker: [ speaking in Arabic accent ]
President Reagan: [ Reagan responds in Arabic accent ]
Voice on Speaker: [ Arabic accent ]
President Reagan: [ Arabic accent ] Makka lanna ho, makka channy hey!
Voice on Speaker: [ laughing ] Makka channy ho! B’aska lim.
President Reagan: B’aska lim! [ hangs up ] Well, gentlemen, I just concluded a very lucrative deal with the Iraqis.
Staffer #2: Mr. President, it just occurred to me. What if something happens to you? You’re the only one who knows what’s going on.
President Reagan: [ angry ] And that’s the way it’s going to stay! To quote Montesquieu: “Power without knowledge is power lost!”
White House Aide: [ entering ] Mr. President, it’s Jimmy Stewart.
President Reagan: Oh, Damn! Now?!
White House Aide: He says he’s had an appoinment with you for two months now.
President Reagan: Oh, alright, alright.. let’s get on with it. Everyone out. [ they exit, as Jimmy Stewart is shown in ] Hello, Jimmy.
[ they shake hands ]
Jimmy Stewart: Yeah, well, hi, Dutch! How are you? I’m sorry, Mr. President! You know, I’m having the hardest time getting used to that!
President Reagan: Well, we sure had great times back in Hollywood..
Jimmy Stewart: Aw, you can say that again, Dutch, we-we-we certainly did, yeah!
President Reagan: Well.. it was good seeing you, Jimmy.
Jimmy Stewart: Well, wha-wha-what are you talking about? I just got here, for crying out loud!
President Reagan: Well, I know, but.. uh, I have a.. well, a meeting.
Jimmy Stewart: Well, that’s just great! That’s just great! I’ll just stick around, that’s it, I’ll just stick around, and it’ll be wha-what? Educationl for me! Yeah!
President Reagan: Jimmy, I’m sorry, you can’t stay.
Jimmy Stewart: Well, come on, Dutch..
President Reagan: Jimmy! Don’t make me have to kill you!
Jimmy Stewart: Kill me? Wha-what? Kill me! Wha-wha.. since when is it a crime to visit your friend? I mean, what are you gonna do, have your Secret Service boys come in here and just blow me away? You’ve changed, Dutch, you’ve really changed!
President Reagan: Oh, Jimmy, please try to understand..
Jimmy Stewart: [ turns to leave ] For crying out loud! You’ve turned into a real jerk, you know that, you sonofa.. [ exits ]
President Reagan: Please, Jimmy.. okay, good! [ staff re-enters ] Alright, now listen. I want to discuss the cover-up. Here’s my plan: the NSC Review Board. We’ll buy Tower, bribe him, jsut flat out buy him! Now, we’ll dose Muskie with mood-altering drugs! [ laughs ] By the time Muskie knows what day it is, the ’88 elections will be over! [ continues to laugh ]
[ cut to a clock on the mantel, the hours speeding by rapidly ]
[ cut to close-up of Reagan behind his desk in great thought ]
President Reagan: ..so, if we channel the $72 million through Ivan Boesky, we’ll have enough left over for Syria and South Ghana. Now, next point on the agenda is.. [ notices all the members of his staff asleep in their chairs ] Ed? Donald? Hello-o! Well, just me again.. great. Well, I’ve been doing it this way for six yers, why should I change now? [ checks his watch ] 3am.. [ dials phone ] The banks should be opening in Zurich right about now..
[ speaks German into phone as the scene pans out and ends ]