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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 11: Episode 11

85k: Jay Leno / The Neville Brothers

The Further Adventures of Bill and Salena

Announcer…..Don Pardo
Trucker…..Jay Leno
Biff…..Jon Lovitz
Salena…..Joan Cusack

[ TITLE CARD: THE FURTHER ADVENTURES OF BIFF AND SALENA ]

Announcer: And now, “The Further Adventures of Biff and Salena”.

[ INT. DINER – DAY ]

[ A TRUCKER drinks coffee at the counter. SALENA approaches him. ]

Salena: Will there be anything else?

Trucker: Yeah. A little more coffee.

Salena: You want a little more cream, too?

Trucker: Yeah! Why the heck not?

Salena: Good… because we’re all out.

Trucker: Oh.

Salena: How about some milk?

Trucker: Yeah, that’s fine.

Salena: A whole glass is extra!

Trucker: I don’t want a whole glass. Just a little milk in the coffee, you know?

Salena: How about a dollop? A dollop is free!

Trucker: Yeah, yeah… great! A dollop will be great! Gee, that’s real nice.

Salena: Okay!

[ Salena pours a dollop of milk into his coffee cup. ]

Trucker: That’s fine. One dollop is okay. I tell you what — can you make it to go? I’m supposed to tow a car on the Interstate-

Salena: Was it an accident!?

Trucker: I wish! Just a stall…

Salena: Gotcha. That’s where they usually happen… on the highway.

[ Salena pours his coffee into a to-go cup. ]

Salena: You know what? If you tear a hole in the lid, you can drink it while you drive!

[ The trucker gives Salena a strange look. ]

Trucker: No kidding. You develop a patent on that one?

Salena: No… I just made it up myself. You be careful you don’t burn your face.

Trucker: Okay! Thanks dollface! I gotta run!

Salena: Okay… take care of yourself

[ A gawking, buck-toothed nerd, BIFF, bangs on the window till the front entrance. The trucker’s amused by him and pats him on the cheek as Biff enters. ]

Biff: Salena! How are you?

Salena: Uh, hi Biff… how are you?

Biff: Oh fine.

Salena: We’re just about to close.

Biff: Oh, well, I was just going to ask you…

Salena: What?

Biff: Can I have some Jell-O!?

Salena: We only have one piece left…

Biff: Is it the corner piece?

Salena: Yes it is!! Would you like it hot or cold?

Biff: Hot please!

Salena: Okay…

[ Salena sets down a tray on the counter from below of Jell-O, scoops of a piece from the corner, and dispenses it in a mug. ]

Salena: One mug of Jell-O coming up!

Biff: O boy!

[ Salena puts the mug in the microwave and turns it on. As Salena returns to the counter, both she and Biff find themselves squirming due to awkward silence. They’re silent for a good matter of moments then start making puppets with their hands. ]

Biff [hand-puppet]: So Salena, what did you do today?

Salena [hand-puppet]: Oh… not too much. I cleaned the counters. What did you do?Biff: I made you another name plate.[ Biff pulls out a name plate from his inner jacket pocket. ]

Salena: Oh Biff! You’ve made me 14 name plates already! What do you think I’m going to do? Forget my name!?

Biff: Well… you never know! [back to hand-puppeting] Hey! You want to hear something!?

Salena: I… do!

[ Biff stretches his thumb and index finger and belts a high-tune as if he were Luciano Pavarotti. Salena giggles.]

Biff: What do think? I’ve been working on it all day!

Salena: That’s really good and very nice.

Biff: Thank you.

[ The microwave rings. ]

Salena: I’ll get it!

[ Salena opens the microwave and removes the mug. The Jell-O has become liquid. She serves it to Biff. ]

Salena: You want whipped cream on it?

Biff: Yes please…

[ Salena shakes a can and dispenses a tall mount of whipped cream on the mug. ]

Biff: When!

[ Biff digs into the liquid Jell-O. ]

Salena: Bon appétit’!

Biff: Thanks…

Salena: Is it good?

Biff: Mmm-hmm! Hey Salena, what are you going to do after work?

Salena: I don’t know… Thought I might go home… Change my shoes…

Biff: Oh… Hey! You want to go the…

Salena: Where?

Biff: Hey! Do you like Africa?

Salena: I can’t go there! I go to go to work tomorrow.

[ Salena starts putting items away from the counter. ]

Biff: It’d be nice to see. Don’t you think?

Salena: Yeah… Yeah, it’d be real nice to see.

Biff: Do you like that actor Robert Redford?

Salena: Oh yes, I do! Why?

Biff: Because… no reason.

Salena: Bellissimo! There we go!

Biff: So do you have to go home?

Salena: Well I don’t have to… but I was going to…

Biff: Well… if you want to… I could walk you home before I go to the movie? The movie’s playing at the mall.

Salena: Oh…

[ Biff pulls out a dollar bill from his pant pocket. ]

Biff: Here’s a dollar bill for the Jell-O.

Salena: Yeah, I guess that’d be okay.

[ Biff gets out of his seat. Salena grabs her coat and puts it on. ]

Biff: I only have 10 minutes. I better just go to the movie then…

Salena: Okay then. I guess you can just walk me as far as the movie.

Biff: Okay… I only have enough money for two tickets.

Salena: That’s good because I’m only one person!

[ Salena pokes Biff in the chest. Biff pokes Salena near her ear. ]

Salena: Ow!

Biff: Sorry.

[ Biff and Salena exit together as she turns out the lights and locks the door. ]

END

Submitted by: Cody Downs

SNL Transcripts

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:
February 22nd, 1986

Jay Leno

The Neville Brothers

Mike the Dog

Backstage With Tommy

Tommy Flanagan (Jon Lovitz) gives Leno a backstage tour of Studio 8-H, which he owns.

Recurring Characters: Tommy Flanagan.

Jay Leno’s Monologue

Leno performs stand-up on TV Guide, The People’s Court, game shows, insurance
companies, celebrity endorsements and Charles Manson.

Target Earth

Less-advanced aliens (Leno, Robert Downey, Jr.) act superior while attempting
to take miserable Earth creatures in as their slaves.

Dinner Reunion

At restaurant, Mike the Dog snuffs his former owner (Randy Quaid).

The Neville Brothers perform “The Big Chief”

Weekend Update with Dennis Miller

The Weekend Update Dancers dance to “Living In America” as a tribute to the
flu outbreak.

A. Whitney Brown delivers Big Picture on Iran and Iraq.

Star Search

Ed McMahon (Randy Quaid) and spokesmodel (Nora Dunn) introduce contestants.

Recurring Characters: Ed MacMahon.

Jay’s Evil Twin

Leno uses fake moustache to determine if date (Joan Cusack) will put out.

Observational Stand-Ups II

Observational stand-ups (Jon Lovitz, Dennis Miller, Damon Wayans) receive advice
from Jackie Niles (Leno).

Man Beat Magazine

Lyle Alzado (Randy Quaid) bullies magazine spokesman (Robert Downey, Jr.).

The Neville Brothers perform “The Midnight Key”

The Further Adventures of Biff & Salena

Dull Biff (Jon Lovitz) and Selena (Joan Cusack) make small talk, plan trip.

Recurring Characters: Biff, Selena.

Goodnights

SNL Transcripts

The Pathological Liar Picks Up Jerry Hall

…..Jerry Hall
Tommy Flanagan…..Jon Lovitz
…..Mick Jagger

Bartender: What can I get you?

Jerry Hall: Uh.. I think I’ll have a white wine spritzer. [ he places it on the counter and moves aside ] Can I get a light? [ pulls out a cigarette ]

Tommy Flanagan: [ swaying next to her with a cigarette lighter extended toward her ] I got it!

Jerry Hall: Thank you.

Tommy Flanagan: My name’s Tommy, Dr. Tom.. uh.. Senator Tommy Flanagan.

Jerry Hall: Really?

Tommy Flanagan: Mmm hmm.. Say, haven’t I seen you somewhere before?

Jerry Hall: I doubt it.

Tommy Flanagan: Oh, I know! I saw you at the.. White House! Yeah, that’s the ticket. Why, I was just there last.. uh.. yesterday. Yeah.. having dinner with the Royal Family.

Jerry Hall: Which Royal Family?

Tommy Flanagan: Uh.. the one on TV. Yeah. Yeah, I’m a producer, you know. Big-time tele.. movie producer. Yeah, that’s the ticket! So, what do you do?

Jerry Hall: Oh, I do some modeling, I wrote a book, and I’m into rock and roll.

Tommy Flanagan: Oh, yeah? I wrote a book about rock and roll. Yeah, it was about the guy who invented rock and roll. Yeah, that’s it! In fact, it was.. it was an autobiography! Yeah!

Jerry Hall: [ not buying it ] You invented rock and roll?

Tommy Flanagan: Mmm hmm. Swing, too. Yeah, I played with all the big bands – Elvis Presley, Benny Goodman, Buddy Holly, The Who..

Jerry Hall: And I suppose you played with The Stones, too, huh?

Tommy Flanagan: Well, now you’re being silly! I never played with them.

Jerry Hall: I didn’t think so.

Tommy Flanagan: No. I managed them! Yeah.. I did. In fact, I wrote all their songs, too. You remember “Satisfaction”? I wrote it!

Jerry Hall: You did not write “Satisfaction”.

Tommy Flanagan: Well.. not all of it. Actually.. uh.. Mick Jagger wrote it. Yeah, that’s it! But it was originally called, uh.. “I Can’t Get No.. uh.. Service in This Place”.. and I changed it!

Jerry Hall: You know Mick Jagger?

Tommy Flanagan: Yeah. We were in Vietnam together. In fact, I saved his life.

Jerry Hall: He was never in ‘Nam.

Tommy Flanagan: That’s how I saved his life – I talked him out of going!

Jerry Hall: Come on! you never met Mick Jagger!

Tommy Flanagan: Oh, yeah? How do you know?

Jerry Hall: Because I’m his wife.

Tommy Flanagan: Oh. [ looks at her hand ] Yeah, well, where’s your wedding band?

Jerry Hall: We’re not exactly married.

Tommy Flanagan: Ah-ha! I knew you were lying!

Jerry Hall: Well, I am his girlfriend. [ looks to her side ] In fact, here he is now!

Mick Jagger: Hi, darling! I’m sorry I’m a little late. I was.. locked in the studio.

Jerry Hall: Never mind, let’s just get going.. [ gets up ]

Tommy Flanagan: [ faking ] Hey, Mick, how you doing! It’s me, Tommy! Remember?

Mick Jagger: Who’s this guy?

Jerry Hall: Some guy named “Tommy”, who thinks he knows you.

Mick Jagger: [ thinking ] Oh, yeah.. I know him!

Tommy Flanagan: [ surprised ] You do?

Jerry Hall: [ also surprised ] Really?

Mick Jagger: Yeah. You remember last weekend when I didn’t come home? Uh.. I.. I was.. I was with Tommy. That’s right! We were.. we were.. uh.. [ Tommy pantomimes fishing ] ..fishing together! That’s the ticket! Right, Tommy?

Tommy Flanagan: [ on the spot ] Yeah, Mick, that’s the ticket! You and me, fishing! Yeah! You bet!

Mick Jagger: We caught one this big! [ holds his arms out a couple of feet, while Tommy holds his out twice as much ]

Jerry Hall: [ not interested, wanting to go ] Come on.. [ pulls Mick out of the bar ]

Tommy Flanagan: See? I told you I knew him.

Mick Jagger: [ whispering to Tommy as he passes ] Thanks, buddy, I owe you for this one. [ faces the camera before he exits ] “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!“

SNL Transcripts

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:



Special Guests:
February 15th, 1986

Jerry Hall

Stevie Ray Vaughn

Jimmie Vaughn

Mick Jagger

Sam Kinison

Stevie Ray Vaughn, “Say What”

Pathological Liar Meets Jerry Hall

Recurring Characters: Tommy Flanagan.

Jerry Hall’s Monologue

The Limits Of The Imagination

Models Against The Wilderness

Stevie Ray Vaughn & Jimmy Vaughn perform “Say What”

Weekend Update with Dennis Miller

Recurring Characters: Babette.

Master Thespian

Recurring Characters: Master Thespian.

Sam Kinison Stand-Up

Kaddafi’s Line of Death

The Pat Stevens Show

Recurring Characters: Pat Stevens.

Stevie Ray Vaughn & Jimmy Vaughn perform “Change It”

Sore Big Toe

SNL Transcripts

Weekend Update with Dennis Miller

……Dennis Miller
……the “Weekend Update” Dancers
……A. Whitney Brown

[Open on a cheap, plastic statue of liberty with a lightbulb as a torch. Music playing: Theme from the shower scene in Alfred Hitchcock’s “Psycho”]

Announcer: Now, “Weekend Update,” with anchorperson Dennis Miller.

[applause]

Dennis Miller:Thank you, thank you. Now Nancy, I know you’re still up watching your son, but I want his attention too, so Ronnie, WAKE UP, babe!

Well, President Reagan gave his State of the Union address this week, and if I might say so, Mr. President, I found it a moving, informative, and inspiring speech that made me feel fortunate to be a United States citizen during your term. [pause] Boy, am I a suck-up, huh?

“Baby Doc” Duvalier fled from Haiti to Paris yesterday declaring himself ex-President for life. The– [some applause] Yeah, the Doc-man enters that pantheon of ex-Presidents-for-life, joining such distinguished ex-Presidents as Uganda’s President-for-life Idi Amin living in Tripoli, Iran’s President-for-life Bani Sadr, now living in Paris, and CBS-ABC-NBC President-for-life Fred Silverman. [cheers and applause] I think Fred’s now living somewhere in syndication.

Convicted mass murderer Charles Manson was denied parole again this week. Manson arrived at the hearing with a swastika etched in his forehead. And you know, what better way than that to signal the board that you’ve pulled your personal thing together and are ready to hit the streets again, huh? Now Chuck did say if he was released, he might visit Libya. Yeah, in Libya, this cat could head up the Conservative Party!

Federal deficit figures are in for the last decade, and the deficit for those ten years topped the trillion-dollar-mark. A trillion! And it goes up all the time. You know what that means, somewhere out there, there’s somebody who still insists on lending us money. I don’t know about you, somebody runs up a tab like that on me, I get a call from him hitting me up for more, I think I’m gonna go, “Hey, my man! You got that trillion you owe me! And that’s 18 zeroes, babe, you know. I gotta see something, a deuce, anything,” you know. That first 50 billion, I’ll go to the wall with him, pal, but you know, I’m feeling a little used here!

This just in from the Phillipines, Aquino is leading Marcos by 32 thousand. Of course that’s just the body count, the ballots are still being tallied. [laughter, which quickly turns into groaning and booing]

Dennis Miller: You guys got a stake in Marcos, or what? Settle down, don’t make me give you the business end of this arm. [applause] Well, thank you for reacting cordially to discipline. Um–

Well, the miniseries “Sins” defeated the miniseries “Peter the Great,” in the Nielsen ratings this week, and I guess you could interpret the numbers in a lot of ways, but to me it’s just another case of Joan Collins ending up on top of Peter. [applause] I guess that probably blows my cameo on “Dynasty,” huh?

Dennis Miller: A last-minute effort to control world oil prices ended in discord at the OPEC conference in Vienna this week. Ignoring the economic plight of their poorer petrolium-exporting comrades, the Saudis raised their output to capitalize on today’s relatively high prices. Now, a new feature designed to make the most turgid news seem accessible, this week’s topic, “Falling Oil Prices,” this week’s hit tune, Billy Ocean’s “When the Going Gets Tough, the Tough Get Going,” and here they are, the “Weekend Update” dancers!

[applause. Music. Zoom out to a wide shot as several women run on stage, some on top of the “Weekend Update” desk. Two dancers push a third dancer off of the desk while shaking hands with a fourth dancer who wears a hat with smokestacks on top. The dancers run off to more applause]

Thank you girls. In the upcoming weeks we’ll be doing our best to bridge the gap between interpretive dance and political reportage. That is my pledge to you, and more importantly, the girls. Who says TV News has gone to hell? [little audience response; Miller sets aside the piece of paper that had the lame joke on it] OK, hold on to that one. I’m sure the coroner will want to examine it right after the show.

According to a startling new theory developed by astronomers at Mount Helemore Observatory, Halley’s Comet appears once every 76 years, then spends the rest of the time behind the dark side of the moon–giggling.

Dennis Miller: Well, here to pool all of this together for you in a way that makes some kind of sense is out senior correspondant. Ladies and gentlemen, A. Whitney Brown.

[pan to Whitney; applause]

A. Whitney Brown: Thank you, thank you. Fifteen years ago tonight, I was a shoeless teenage derelict, hitchhiking fron Dead concert to Dead concert. But I was busy; I was formulating my all-encompassing view of human affairs, something I like to call The Big Picture. You know, the Big Picture is something noticeably lacking in the news coverage these days. Oh sure, they give you fragmented morsels of the news: wars, coups, epidemics, sabotage, political shenanigans, I could go on and on, but there’s really no use in beating a dead horse. I mean, except for the pure joy of it.

But the point is- the point is that all this actual information does nothing but confuse the issue. How could you place your worldview in the hands of a news medium that would actually change the name of a planet just because it sounds embarassing to say? There’s no such place as Ur-anus, folks! Give the public a little credit! We’re mature adults. Nobody’s going to break out giggling just because Dan Rather announces that dark-colored rings have been discovered around Ur-anus! [applause]

But of course, that’s no more absurd than saying we ought to send money to these rebels in Angola in the name of freedom. Let’s put this into the Big Picture. It’s an African revolution. What really are the chances of anything remotely resembling a democracy emerging from that boiling cauldron of tribal warfare? Might as well put the money on the Knicks.

Then we have these Nicaraguan contras passing the hat for another hundred million dollars. These guys are asking for four days and they don’t even have a country! Oh sure, they hope to get one someday. Don’t we all! But where’s the collateral? How do we know they won’t just blow the whole wad on Julio Iglesias albums? [applause]

Which brings us to the Phillipines. We live now in a global village, my friends. And you know, everything’s as interrelated as an Appalachian coal town. This is- this is not just some remote coconut republic in the South Seas, this the gateway to the Solomon Islands we’re talking about, the world’s richest source of guano! Let me just ask, how many of you actually took the time to vote in the Phillipine elections? Do you realize without our naval base in Subic Bay, the entire southern flank of the International Date Line would just be dangling in front of the Soviets like a sardine at Sea World? What if the Russians- what if the Russians snapped up the International Date Line and moved it to Moscow? I’ll tell you what, they could launch an attack the day before yesterday, that’s what!

Now you’re starting to get the Big Picture. Insights like these don’t come from traipsing the overused path of reason and logic, my friends. No, they must be drawn instinctively, from that ever-flowing fountain of ignorance within us all. And that’s the Big Picture for tonight.

[applause; Dennis and Whitney shake hands]

Dennis Miller: Senior correspondent A. Whitney Brown, ladies and gentlemen.

You know, I just had a thought. How come Kadaffi’s only a colonel?

In closing, I’d like to say a belated Happy Birthday to the president, who turns sevent- seventy-five? Seventy-five, is that right? Seventy-five, and he has access to the button? You know, my grandfather’s seventy-five, we won’t let him use the remote control for the TV set! [applause] This guy woulda been kicked out of Menudo sixty years ago!

Well that’s the news, ladies and gentlemen, I am out of here! Good night!

[applause; fade]

Thanks to Michael C. Arroyo for this transcript!

SNL Transcripts

Shakespeare in the Slums

Flotilda Williams … Danitra Vance

[Fire escape outside a brick Harlem tenement building.A poor, young African-American girl (wearing acolorful combination of dreadlocks, a pink top,rainbow belt, blue jeans, yellow socks and sneakers)stands on the fire escape and takes wash off of aclothesline. She turns to address the camera.]

Flotilda Williams: Um, hi, I’m FlotildaWilliams. Um, Flotilda Williams, the classical actresswith the federally-funded classical repertory companycall “Shakespeare in the Slums.” … Um, right now,we’re doin’ a production of Mister WilliamShakespeare’s entitled “Romeo and Juliet” – and it isthe play that inspired the TV game show “Family Feud.”…

I play Juliet and she live here in a high rise. Butshe live in the low part of the high rise, okay? …And, um, she in her room tryin’ to be asleep but shecan’t sleep because she’s thinkin’ about this guy -this really cute guy – he make her laugh with hisfunny, funny jokes, prob’ly got some money, so sheLIKE him! … Um, his name Romeo — that’s the title,”Romeo and Juliet.”

So, I’m up here on my back porch and he down here inthe alleyway, lookin’ up in my window. Now – he notlookin’ up in my window because he a freak — helookin’ up in my window because he LIKE me a LOT. …And then – then he begin to talk to hisself. Now henot talkin’ to hisself because he crazy. He talk tohisself because it’s a play, okay? … People in playstalk to theyselves a LOT. … All right. So — he downthere in the alleyway, lookin’ up in my window,talkin’ to hisself. He say, finally:

[Throughout the rest of the sketch, she enactsShakespeare’s dialogue extravagantly, assuming thecharacters completely, and then abruptly reverts toher “ghetto” self to address the camera with bluntexplanations of the text.]

“But soft! what light throo yonder windo’break?”

And that’s when I break through the window. … Andwhen I break through, I’m like this: [with gesturesand lips moving, she mimes an animated conversationbut makes no sound] … Because he say I speak — yetI say nothing. [mimes some more soundless dialogue]… And then, finally, I say my first words, Isay,

“Ay me!
O, Romeo, Romeo! wherefore art thouRomeo?”

Wherefore mean why. She sayin’, “Why you gotsto be Romeo?”

“Deny thy father and refuse thy name;
Or, if thou wilt not, be but sworn my love [handsto her heart]
And I’ll no longer be a Capsulet.”…

And she thinkin’, she thinkin’,

“Tis but thy name that is my enemy
Thou art thyself though, not a Montagoo.”
What’s a Montagoo? … It is nor hand, norarm,
Nor foot, nor face, nor any other part[hands on hips]
Belonging to a man.”

[suggestive] You know what she’s talkin’ about. …Then she say, you know, a lot o’ things. You know, allthese things, back and forth, back and forth, back andforth. She talk to herself and she start talkin’ tohim down here in the alleyway because she finally seehim down there. She say lovey-dovey thingslike:

“My bounty is as boundless as the sea,
My love as deep; the more I give to thee,
The more I have, for both are infinite.
[hears noise, looks around]
I hear some noise within, dear love, adieu.”
That mean bye. … And, uh,

“Stay but a little, I will come again.”

That mean she be right back. [mimes an exit, thenreturns] … And then she come right back. …

“Three words, dear Romeo, and good nightindeed.
If that thy bent of love be honorable,
Thy purpose marriage, send word,
By one I’ll procure to come to thee,
Where and at what time thou wilt perform therite.”

That mean marry me, marry me, marry me – I’m notgiving up nothin’ till you marry me. …[fixes her hair, breathlessly]

“Then all my fortunes at thy foot I’ll lay
And follow thee, my lord, throughout theworld.
[hears noise, calls off]
By and by, I come–!
[back to Romeo]
But if thou mean’st not well
I do beseech thee
To cease thy suit and leave me to mygrief.”

That mean if you not gonna marry me, don’t mess withmy mind. I can find somebody else! …

“A thousand times good night.”

Then she gone again. Um, this time she gone a littlebit longer ’cause she had to talk to her Mama and theNurse. Um, I don’t know why she had to talk to theNurse because she not really sick. … [mimesan exit, then returns] And then she come right back.But she don’t see him nowhere. And she want to say,[cups hands to her mouth, calls out] “Hey, Romeo!Where you at?!” … But she can’t do that becauseJuliet is a very dignified girl, and hollerin’ off theback porch is very iginant. … So she justsay, she just say, she just say, she say:

“Hist … “

[nervously looks around, then through clenched teeth,quietly]

“Romeo.”

[nervously puts a hand to her lips, pauses, takes adeep breath, cups hands to mouth, lowers voice, callsgoofily with round eyes and mouth:]

“Rooooooomeeeooooooo …”

[breaks into a smile at the sight of Romeo] And thenshe see him. Um…

“I have forgot why I did call thee back.
‘Tis almost morning. I would thee were gone
And yet no further than a wanton’s bird
That lets it hop a little from her hand
Like a poor prisoner in her twisted gyves
And with a silk thread plucks it back again
So loving-jealous of his liberty.” …

I don’t know what that part mean. … And – and thenshe say, she say, uh,

“Good night.”

[starts to exit but comes back, sees Romeo’s stillthere — more insistently]

“Good night! Parting is such sweetsorrow
That I shall say good night till it bemorrow.”

[she blows Romeo a kiss and gives him a little wave -then, pleasantly, into the camera]

Good night.

[And with that, Flotilda Williams, classical actress,turns and goes back to taking down her laundry.Applause. Fade.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

White House Risky Business

President Ronald Reagan…..Randy Quaid
Nancy Reagan…..Terry Sweeney
…..Ron Reagan

[ open on exterior, sign: Camp David ]

[ dissolve to interior, President Ronald Reagan and Nancy Reagan dressed in country clothing on bed, talking to Ron, Jr. over the phone ]

President Ronald Reagan: Hello, Ron? It’s Dad. Uh, I’m here with Mommy and, uh.. we just arrived, and wanted to call and.. say that we arrived, and, uh.. just to see how you’re doing, and uh.. well, uh.. how are you doing?

[ cut to close-up of Ron, Jr., dressed in pink shirt, obviously on the phone in the Oval Office ]

Ron Reagan: I’m fine, fine, Dad. Thanks for calling.

[ cut back to Ronald and Nancy ]

President Ronald Reagan: Now, Ron, while we’re gone, you are in charge of the White House. And, uh, I don’t have to remind you what a responsibility that is. So, uh.. be sure to leave the lights on, and lock the door when you go out. And, uh.. if you have any problems, with the heating or the plumbing, or anything, and you can’t reach us, just call George or Barbara Bush – that’s what they’re there for.

[ cut back to Ron, Jr. ]

Ron Reagan: Sure, Dad. I gotcha.

[ cut back to Ronald and Nancy ]

President Ronald Reagan: Well, uh.. your mom is, uh.. Nancy motions to be handed the phone ] ..starting to give me dirty looks here.. [ Nancy humorlessly shakes her head no ] ..so, I’ll hand the phone over to her.

[ Nancy takes the phone ]

Nancy Reagan: Ron? It’s Mom! I just wanted to say we love you, and trust you, and, one more thing – this is very important. You know the red phone in the Oval Office? If that starts to blink, look on the refrigerator. There’s an instruction marked “Strategic Bomber Component of Nuclear Triad.” It’s tacked up there with a little banana magnet!

[ cut back to Ron, Jr. ]

Ron Reagan: Okay, Mom. I-I got it. You guys don’t worry about anything, just.. just have fun, you two, okay?

[ cut back to Ronald and Nancy ]

Nancy Reagan: We will, son.

President Ronald Reagan: Goodbye, son, be good!

Nancy Reagan: [ enthusiastically ] Bye, honey!

[ they hang up the phone ]

President Ronald Reagan: Well, I feel better already!

Nancy Reagan: See? I don’t know why you don’t trust him?

[ dissolve to exterior, White House – night ]

[ Bob Seger’s “Old Time Rock And Roll” pots up ]

[ cut to interior doorway, Oval Office ]

[ Ron, Jr. slides into frame dressed as Tom Cruise in “Risky Business.” He lip-syncs into a trophy, dances over to the fireplace and shows off his moves while crouched in front of the audience, his ass cheeks wiggling. ]

[ Ron throws down the statue, grabs a broom, and jumps on top of the President’s desk and shimmies while playing air guitar, then jumps off the desk and does a split on the carpet ]

[ Ron jumps backfirst onto the couch and wiggles his legs high into the air, then flips onto his stomach and shakes his body loose before jumping up and dancing through the room again ]

[ exterior shot of the White House reveals a tiny silhoette bouncing in the upper window ]

[ Ron raises his collar, flips off his sunglasses and turns to face the camera ]

Ron Reagan: “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

SNL Transcripts

Ron Reagan’s Monologue

…..Ron Reagan

Don Pardo: Ladies and gentlemen, Ron Reagan!

[ audience cheers Ron as he enters Home Base ]

Ron Reagan, Jr.: Yeah, you haven’t lived ’til you’ve hyperventilated on live television! Od course, I just want to try something here. I want to see a show of hands: how many people here.. think that I was asked to host “Saturday Night Live”.. because I’m a new contributing editor with Playboy magazine?

[ audience cheers and applauds ]

Oh, really? That’s alright. Okay. Now.. how many people here.. think that I was asked to host the show.. because.. my father’s.. the President of the United States?

[ audience cheers and applauds louder ]

That’s what’s I thought. That’s what I thought, yeah!

You know, a lot of people – most people – believe that the President of the United States – whoever he or she might be – is the msot powerful person in the world. But how many people know.. who the second.. most powerful person in the world is? [ audience members begin to quietly chant responses, as Ron chuckles ] You might think it’s the Secretary of the State, maybe.. maybe the Chief of Staff, Speaker of the House.. maybe even the First Lady. [ shakes head ] Uh-uh. [ points thumb toward himself ] That’s right! That’s right. The President’s youngest son.. is the second most owerful person.. in the world!

It has its advantages, I have to say. For instance, uh.. oh.. you might have fantasized about taking an F-16 fighter plane out for a little low-level stunt-flying over a densely-populated area. No problem. No problem, when you’re the second most powerful person in the world.

Or, uh, maybe dream of giving away multi-million dollar water projects as Christmas presents. Just a matter of a few phone calls.. when you’re the second.. most powerful person.. in the world.

Okay, enough about me, right? We’ve got a great show. We’ve got The Nelsons, special guests Penn and Teller. [ audience applauds ] And, and for the first time in the history of the show, the show is being carried on the Armed Forces Television Network. [ audience cheers ] Now, it was a request – a special request – of the sub-Commander-in-Chief of the Armed Forces. It’s, uh.. it’s my sister Patty.

Anyway, we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

Goodnights

…..Ron Reagan

Ron Reagan: We took an informal poll here.. We took an informal poll – we all had fun! I don’t know about you, huh? I want to thank The Nelsons! The Nelsons! and Penn & Teller! Good night! Good night!

SNL Transcripts

Back To The Future

Ronald Reagan…..Randy Quaid
Nancy Davis/Reagan…..Terry Sweeney
…..Ron Reagan
Doc…..Jon Lovitz
Director…..Robert Downey, Jr.
Actor…..Dan Vitale
Welfare Mom…..Danitra Vance

[ “Power of Love” by Huey Lewis & The News pots up ]

[ SUPER: “Steven Spielberg Presents” ]

[ SUPER: “A Take Your Oscar And Shove It Production” ]

[ SUPER: “Back To The Future” logo ]

[ dissolve to exterior, suburban house – day ]

[ dissolve to interior, Ronald Reagan talking on the phone ]

Ronald Reagan: Hello, Sid? Ron Reagan. [ a beat ] The actor? I’m sorry to bother you, Sid, but, uh.. you’re my agent, and, uh.. well, I-I haven’t worked in ten years. Not since, uh, 1976, unless you count.. filling in for Bob Eubanks on “The Newlywed Game.” And, uh.. well.. anyway, it seems that, uh.. you never returned my calls —

[ the phone hangs up ]

Hello? Hello? Hell-o? Helloooo?? [ presses receiver ] Hello!

[ a disheveled Nancy Reagan – with dangling cigarette, hair in curlers, funky nightgown – enters and sits next to Ronald on the couch ]

Nancy Reagan: Oh, give it a rest, Dutch! Sid doesn’t care about you. In his book, you’re a washed-up old ham!

Ronald Reagan: Oh, but, Nancy, Sid’s not like that. He cares about people. He’s al ifelong Democrat, like me.

Nancy Reagan: [ snidely ] I think that says it all.

Ronald Reagan: Now, Mommy, the Democrat Party is the party of compassion. The party of the disadvantaged. The poor, the elderly!

Nancy Reagan: That about covers us. [ kills a shot ]

[ Ron Reagan, dressed as Marty McFly in life vest, enters from the front door on a skateboard ]

Ron Reagan: Hey, Mom! Hey, Dad! What’s for dinner?

Nancy Reagan: My specialty – cold pizza.

[ offscreen crash sound effect from Ron ]

Nancy Reagan: [ as soft music pots up ] Oh, Ronnie.. remember how trim I was the day we first met? It was exactly thirty years ago today. In fact, right on this spot.

[ Ron re-enters, sits next to Nancy on the couch ]

[ flashing Super: “Exposition (listen carefully)” ]

Nancy Reagan: Our house was built over the old RKO Studio, where we met on the set of “Hellcats of the Navy.” Your father – Ronald Reagan —

Ron Reagan: Mom. I know Dad’s name.

Nancy Reagan: Oh, I’m sorry. I guess I had so much exposition to establish, I.. I got lost. Well, anyway.. a sandbag fell on your father’s head. He looked so.. helpless, so pathetic.. so pitiful.. so wretched —

Ronald Reagan: Mommy, I think the boy gets the idea.

Nancy Reagan: Well, anyway, I fell for the big lug!

[ doorbell rings ]

Ronald Reagan: Well.. who could that be?

Ron Reagan: Oh, Mom, Dad. I invited Dr. Brown over for dessert.

[ Ron gets up to answer the door to Doc Brown, dressed in a crazy get-up and holding a weirdly-shaped blender ]

Doc: Ron! Ron! Well! I did it! I doscovered a way.. to travel through time! You see this blender! It’s actually.. a time machine!

Ronald Reagan: Whoops! Speaking of time, uh.. it’s ten o’clock, Mommy, uh.. let’s go upstairs and watch Jane on “Falcon Crest.”

Nancy Reagan: Ugh! do we have to? I just ate.

Ronald Reagan: Oh, Mommy.. Jane’s not so bad, and.. we do need the alimony.

[ Nancy and Ronald get up to go upstairs to watch “Falcon Crest”, greeting Dr. Brown as they exit the room ]

Nancy Reagan: Hell-oooooo!

Ronald Reagan: Hello, Dr. Brown.

Doc: Hello!

Ron Reagan: Now, uh.. Dr. Brown. Come on in, tell me about this invention.

Doc: Well! I got the idea about it.. ohhhhh.. about thirty years ago, when I was working on the old RKO lot! [ looking around the room ] In fact.. it was right around here! Yeah!

[ flashing Super: “More Exposition” ]

Doc: I was a Technical Advisor! On “Hellcats of the Navy”! When all of a sudden, a sandbag fell on.. some fading actor’s head! It was then, that I got the idea for my flux capicator!

Ron Reagan: Yeah, well.. how does it work?

Doc: Well! The first ting you have to do.. is plug it in! Just like.. that! [ plugs blender into the wall ] Then! you see this button here? That’s Mix! [ presses button, lights light up ] Then! [ pushes next sequence of buttons ] There’s Liquefy! Then, Blend! And Puree! Run! Blend again! Then, the final button, is Time Travel! But.. before I push it.. [ turns blender off ] I’m gonna set the clock back.. say.. thirty years! To exactly.. thirty years ago.. today!

[ SUPER: “That’s the day the sandbag fell on Ron’s dad and Dr. Brown thought of time travel.” ]

Ron Reagan: By the way, uh, Doc.. where did you get this blender?

Doc: Oh, I, uh.. I stole it from a 7-11, run by some very dangerous-looking Libyans!

[ doorbell rings ]

Doc: Oh! I’ll get it! Probably for me! [ opens the door to Libyans ] Hi! How are yo —

[ the Libyans open fire on Doc ]

Doc: Ron! press the button! Press the button!

[ Ron presses the button on the blender, and dissolves into thin air ]

[ dissolve to “Hellcats of the Navy” movie set, thirty years in the past ]

Director: Okay! Everybody! RKO is not.. made.. of.. money! Alright? In fact, after this movie they’re tearing down this studio to put up a lower-midle class housing develop!

[ Ron and the blender materialize from thin air ]

Ron Reagan: Whoa.. what year is this?

Director: Come on! Let’s get going! I want to get this movie in the can while it’s stil 1956! Okay?

Ron Reagan: 1956..?

Actor: [ walking past ] Hey, this is a closed set, buddy – you belong here? This is Stage 3 – “Hellcats of the Navy.”

Ron Reagan: “Hellcats of the Navy”..?

Director: [ aggravated ] Where.. is.. our.. leading man?! Ron! [ raises megaphone ] Ron Reagan!! Come on!

[ cut to Ronald Reagan, costumed for his role, sitting in an actor’s chair with his back to the camera. He turns to face the audience rather elegantly. ]

Ronald Reagan: Here I am!

Ron Reagan: Dad! Dad!

Ronald Reagan: Sorry. No autographs. Now, Richard.. where is that new leading lady you were telling me about?

Director: Oh, yeah. Nancy Davis. Alright, uh.. [ calling ] Nancy Davis to the set! Nancy!

[ Nancy, costumed as a big-bosumed nurse, enters the set ]

Nancy Davis: Here I am!

Ron Reagan: [ stunned ] Mom!

Director: Uh.. Nancy, Ron; Ron, Nancy. [ both are silent toward one another ] Okay, okay.. [ into the megaphone ] Places, everybody! [ looks upward ] Uh.. Bobby? Bobby! move that sandbag that’s hanging over Ron’s head, would you? Come on! [ steps away ]

[ Ron jumps into frame to push Ronald out of the way, as the sandbag crashes instead on Ron’s head. Nancy screams. ]

[ zoom in on Ron’s body, as screen wiggles briefly to flash forward a few minutes. Nancy’s legs appear behind Ron’s body, as she leans in to help him to his feet. ]

Nancy Davis: Hello there, handsome stranger!

Ron Reagan: Mom..?

Nancy Davis: Mom? Oh, that must be quite a bump on your head, Nicky.

Ron Reagan: Nicky?

Nancy Davis: That’s the name on your tennis shoe.

Ron Reagan: That’s.. th-th-that’s Nike.

Nancy Davis: Oh. Sorry, Nike. It’s still a very sensuous name – how about a kiss?

Ron Reagan: No! Mom! Uh.. Nancy. Nancy. But.. but you know who is a real, sensuous guy? Ronald Reagan.

Nancy Davis: Ugh. Ronald Reagan?

Ron Reagan: I think he wants to go out with you.

Nancy Davis: Not only is he not attractive in the way you are, because he wasn’t hit in the head with that sandbag – but, besides that, he’s a wimping, bleeding heart, liberal Democrat. The only men who make my Maidenform warm are arch-conservative, right-wing jingoists!

Ron Reagan: [ gasping ] Excuse me, Nancy. I’ve.. got to meet some of my intellectual New York friends, for a Ban The Bomb rally.

Nancy Davis: Oh.. that’s okay! You’re still attractive to me, because you were hit in the head with that sandbag!

[ Ron runs across the set, bumping into a younger, pre-occupied Dr. Bown ]

Ron Reagan: Doc!

Doc: How’d you know my name?!

Ron Reagan: Doc, I’m from the future! 1986! [ Doc appears skeptical ] I can prove it! When I got hit on the head with that sandbag, you had the inspiration for a time travel machine.

Doc: That’s right! In fact, I just drew a picture of it! But, wait a minute! If you’re from the future, who’s the president in 1986?!

Ron Reagan: A woman named Geraldine Ferraro.

Doc: What?!

Ron Reagan: But.. she’s being impeached because her.. husband stole from the.. White House petty cash.

[ flashing SUPER: “Cheap Joke” ]

Doc: It’s very important that you don’t interact with anybody! You could alter the future, and the results could be disastrous!

Ron Reagan: I-it’s too late, it’s too late. My mom already has the hots for me. You see, the bag was supposed to fall on my dad’s head.. but it didn’t.. and-and.. my mom’s only attracted to right-wing, uh —

Doc: That’s alright, I don’t care! You’d just better go and fix it, or you’ll never be born! Go on! Hurry!

Ron Reagan: [ walking off ] You’re asking me to change his politics —

Doc: Go!!

[ Ron approaches Ronald, who’s sitting in his actor’s chair ]Uh.. Ron.. uh..?

Ronald Reagan: Sorry. No autographs.

Ron Reagan: No, no, no.. I want to talk politics.

Ronald Reagan: Politics? Okay. I believe a government should be judged by how well it treats the most needy among us. I believe this requires an ever-increasing role by the federal government, including massive federal programs, and the beaurocracy needed to administer them. I guess, if you had to peg my politics, you’d have to say, well, that I was a far-left liberal Democrat.

Ron Reagan: But, Ron.. as the public sector becomes larger and larger, there’ll be less and less wealth to distribute.

Ronald Reagan: Hmm.. [ thinking ] Yes.. yes, I see what you mean.

Ron Reagan: The way to maximimze wealth is to set loose the creative energies of men and women free from the constraints of government intervention. The wealth will then trickle down, to the poor.

Ronald Reagan: Oh. That makes a lot of sense.

Ron Reagan: Did you know.. that every tax cut in the history of government has brought with it an actual increase in revenues?

Ronald Reagan: Really? Well, that does it! I guess I’ve been fooling myself all along! Put ‘er there, fellow Republican! [ shakes hands with Ron ]

Ron Reagan: Terrific! Terrific! By the way, Ron, uh.. thjat cute Nancy chick kind of likes you.

Ronald Reagan: Oh, really?

Ron Reagan: Yeah. Why don’t you go check her out?

Ronald Reagan: Really? Okay.

[ Rambles ambles toward Nancy Davis ]

Ronald Reagan: Uh, Miss Davis?

Nancy Davis: Nike, is that — [ turns around, disappointed ] Yes?

Ronald Reagan: Well. Miss Davis, I just thought that.. well.. since we’re going to be playing opposute each other, you might want to hear my political views.

Nancy Davis: Don’t waste your breath, buster – I know where you stand.

Ronald Reagan: [ affirmatively ] No, you don’t! Did you know that, for every tax cut in the history of government, that has brought along with it increased revenues?

Nancy Davis: Oh.. I’d love to hear more! How about my trailer?

Ronald Reagan: Fine.

Nancy Davis: [ drags Ronald off-screen by his tie, passing Ron and Doc ] Come on, big guy!

Ron Reagan: Doc? Doc, I did it! I did it!

Doc: Oh, good!

Ron Reagan: I’ve gotta get back home..

Doc: You still have the time machine! Press the button!

[ Ron presses the button, but nothing happens ]

Ron Reagan: Now, what do I do?

Doc: What?! Oh! You gotta plug it in, stupid! Here! I’ll do it! 1.. 2.. there! [ plugs up the blender ]

Ron Reagan: Oh.. Doc, about the future. I’ve got to tell you something —

Doc: Oh, no no! No matter how good your intentions are, don’t tell me! The results could be disastrous!

Ron Reagan: Okay. Bye. But.. you die a horrible death.

[ Ron dissolves into thin air ]

Doc: What?! How?! Poison?! Shot by a jealous husband?!

[ dissolve back to present-day, Ron sprawled across the couch from his present-day living room ]

Ron Reagan: Holy smokes! [ looks around ] Mom? Dad? Where is everybody?

[ a welfare mother and her numerous children come down the stairs to investigate the noise from Ron ]

Welfare Mom: What are you doing in my house? Who are you?!

Ron Reagan: I’m.. I’m Ron Reagan..

Welfare Mom: The President’s son?

Ron Reagan: [ confused ] The President’s son?

Welfare Mom: Yeahhhh. I recognize you from People magazine. Yeah, you’re Ronald Reagan’s son!

Ron Reagan: Yeah. Yeah, I am!

[ a beat ]

Welfare Mom: Get the hell out of my house! Your daddy cut off my food stamps! Get him, kids!

[ the welfare mom and her kids chase Ron out of the house, beating him with pillows as he makes his escape into the night ]

[ “The Power of Love” pots up again as we fade ]

SNL Transcripts