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A Roy Orbison Christmas

Roy Orbison … Randy Quaid
Clamdigger … Terry Sweeney
Clamdigger … Robert Downey, Jr.
Connie Stevens … Teri Garr
Leslie Uggams … Danitra Vance
Don Adams … Jon Lovitz
Edd “Kookie” Byrnes … Anthony Michael Hall

[Announcer Don Pardo reads a text that rolls by on adark screen.]

Don Pardo V/O: Ten days ago, the GeneralElectric Company bought RCA, the parent company ofNBC. We at Saturday Night Live applaud this bold,wily, tactical maneuver, which places us under thegrip of an even more efficient managerial team. In aneffort to bring down production costs, GE has orderedthe network to broadcast all previously unairedprogramming by the end of the fiscal year. Thefollowing is from a 1965 Christmas special which waspre-empted by network reports of Hurricane Louise. Sowe now join the last six minutes of “A Roy OrbisonChristmas.”

[Before Pardo can finish, we hear Roy Orbison’sclassic growl and hear the singer’s signature tune”Pretty Woman.” We dissolve to the set of theChristmas special where Roy, in his usual black suitand sunglasses, and his band perform the end of thesong:]

Roy Orbison and his band: [singing]
Pretty woman, don’t walk on by
Pretty woman, don’t make me cry
Pretty woman, don’t walk away, hey
Okay
I guess I’ll go on home, it’s late.
We’ll meet tomorrow night, but wait!
What do I see?
Is she walking back to me?
Yeah, she’s walking back to me
Oh, oh, pretty woman

[Cheers and applause as the song ends.]

Roy Orbison: [Southern accent] Mercy! Mercy!Thank you. Merry Christmas! You know, as I said aboutfifty-four minutes ago when I opened this Christmasspecial, Christmas is for family and friends and hereare some good friends of the entire Orbison family –Connie Stevens and the Clamdiggers!

[Applause. The band plays. The Clamdiggers, foursurfer dudes in psychedelic beach attire, run in andsing “Santa’s Little Surfer Girl” as ’60s pop starletConnie Stevens, an energetic blonde in fur-trimmed redbikini top, gold lame hula skirt and white boots,joins them and go-go dances to the beat, occasionallychiming in on a line or two:]

Clamdiggers:
There’s a cat up north they call Saint Nick
He’s got some crazy little helpers and one of them’s achick
She rides his sleigh only once a year
Spreading Christmas cheer

She’s surfside and yuletide
Come on everybody and watch her ride
Whoo hoo, Santa’s little surfer girl
Whoo hoo, Santa’s little surfer girl
Whoo hoo, Santa’s little surfer girl

Guys and gals come from miles around
Come to hear her surfin’ Santa sound
Well, she can hang a stocking but she’s hangingten
She’s hipper than the Three Wise Men

She’s surfside and yuletide
Come on everybody and watch her ride
Whoo hoo, Santa’s little surfer girl
Whoo hoo, Santa’s little surfer girl
Whoo hoo, Santa’s little surfer girl

[As the band’s saxophonist solos, the Clamdiggersgroove in the background and sing Beach Boy-stylefalsetto harmonies as Connie brings out a surfboardand pretends to go surfing — a cheesy Chroma-Keyscreen lowers from above with stock footage of aboat’s wake to give the unconvincing illusion thatshe’s really out on the water.]

Clamdiggers:
Surfside and yuletide
Come on everybody and watch her ride
Whoo hoo, Santa’s little surfer girl
Whoo hoo, Santa’s little surfer girl
Whoo hoo, Santa’s little surfer girl

[Cheers and applause as the song ends, the screen israised, and Roy joins his guests on stage.]

Roy Orbison: Mercy! Thank you, Connie. [Connieand the Clamdiggers exit, Roy growls at her as shegoes, then turns to the camera] You know, when ouroriginal sponsor found out that my next guest, LeslieUggams, is a Negro, they pulled out. So I really wannaexpress my gratitude to the good people at LuckyStrikes for steppin’ in at the last minute. Here, witha dramatic reading, Miss Leslie Uggams.

[Cheers and applause as we dissolve to the elegantyoung singer-actress Leslie Uggams, seated in aspotlight, holding a letter.]

Leslie Uggams: Christmas is a time when weshould think of those who cannot be with theirfamilies. I have a letter here from a young man in amental institution. … He writes: [reads, sombermusic under] “What is insanity? Is it dreaming dreamsthat others dare not dream to dream? Is it wanting aworld so rich in love that your heart despairs whenothers call your dreams madness? … Is it believingthat you are the conduit through which the ghosts ofslaughtered soldiers … [must rotate the letter inorder to follow the deranged scribblings of theauthor] … scream out from their graves seekingrevenge on the tiny little men who sent them there?’Bow-wow,’ says Blinky the Space Dog.” … [folds upthe letter] Then it becomes totally unintelligible….

[Cheers and applause as we dissolve to Roy and theband.]

Roy Orbison: Mercy! Thank you, Leslie! MerryChristmas! And that’s the end of our show. [band plays”Jingle Bell Rock” under] I’d like to thank my guests,Miss Connie Stevens. [applause for Connie who entersand kisses Roy] Ah, merry Christmas. And also GetSmart’s Don Adams!

Don Adams: [enters, dressed as Maxwell Smart]Roy, would you believe I had a great time?Merry Christmas, Roy!

Roy Orbison: Thank you, Don. Also, Miss LeslieUggams, my special guest!

Leslie Uggams: [enters, careful not to touchany white boys] Merry Christmas, Roy!

Roy Orbison: Thank you, thank you. MerryChristmas! And Edd “Kookie” Byrnes! Thank you,Edd!

Edd “Kookie” Byrnes: [the teen idol star ofTV’s “77 Sunset Strip” enters] Merry Christmas, Roy![combs his hair as teen girls scream]

Roy Orbison: Thank you. And merry Christmas toeach and everyone of you. Let’s take it onhome.

[The Clamdiggers join Roy and his guests as everyonelines up across the stage and sings a shortenedversion of “Jingle Bell Rock”:]

All: [singing]
Jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell rock
Jingle bells chime in jingle bell time
Dancing and prancing in Jingle Bell Square
In the frosty air

What a bright time
It’s the right time
To dance the night away
Jingle bell time is a swell time
To go ridin’ in a one-horse sleigh
Giddy-up, jingle horse
Pick up your feet
Jingle around–

[Over the song, the credits roll:

Produced by
BOB FINKEL

Directed by
STAN HARRIS

Choreographer
HUGH LAMBERT

Written by
BUZ KOHAN

Musical Director
JACK ELLIOTT

Art Director
GENE McAVOY

All of these names, incidentally, are of real peoplewho worked on similar TV music-variety specials in the1960s and ’70s. Fade.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:



Special Guests:
December 21st, 1985

Teri Garr

Dream Academy

The Cult

Penn & Teller

Cabrini Green Meets the Gifted Wrapper

Recurring Characters: Cabrini Green.

Teri Garr’s Monologue

Recurring Characters: Father Guido Sarducci.

Critic

(Repeat) See: 11/09/85.

Island Eggs

Hildy

Dream Academy performs “Life In A Northern Town”

Weekend Update with Dennis Miller

A Roy Orbison Christmas

Penn & Teller

The Big Tree

The Cult performs “She Sells Sanctuary”

Trivial Pursuit Time Travel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 11: Episode 5

85e: Tom Hanks / Sade

The Stand-Ups

Paul…..Tom Hanks
Bob…..Jon Lovitz
Keith…..Damon Wayans

FADE IN:

INT. CAROL’S COMEDY CLUB – BACKSTAGE – NIGHT

[ BOB, in blazer, tie & jeans, views the stage floor from a door. ]

Paul (V/O): So, how’s he doing?

Bob: Good.

[ Bob walks away from the door and to the coffee pot. He pours himself a cup. PAUL, dressed the same as Bob but in different colors, circles around Bob then stops. ]

Paul: So anyway, the guy comes up with the French fries and I think, “Hey! Why are they called French fries!? I mean, what makes them French!?”

Bob: I mean… they’re not made in France!

Paul: No way!! And hey, French Toast!? Same deal!

Bob: I mean I make it in my kitchen!

Paul: Me, too!!

Bob: Hey! Why don’t we just call it kitchen toast!?

Paul: Yeah!! What I want to know is — what’s the big deal with French bread!?

Bob: Hey, what do you mean!?

Paul: Hey! It’s the same deal as Italian bread! But what does that mean!? Does that mean… the French bread is the same as Italian bread!!?? I want to know!!

[ KEITH, dressed like the other two comedians, strolls on in. ]

Bob: Hey! It’s Keith!

Paul: Keith!

Keith: Hey! How’s everybody doing tonight!?

Bob: Okay!

Paul: That’s right!

Keith: It’s great to be here!

Bob: Hey!

Paul: Hey! Great! So… excuse me, everybody? Hey! I’m going to have a cup of Java! Keith!?

Keith: Hey Paul! No, thanks!

Bob: So, Keith! Babe! What’s new!?

Keith: I just flew in from the coast! And I was thinking, hey, “I left L.A. at 12 o’clock! The flight takes five hours! But when I land, it’s 8PM!” I mean, hey, “Where did those 3 hours go!” I don’t know about you, but I gotta wonder!

Paul: Hey!

Keith: Paul!?

[ Paul’s holding a quart of milk. ]

Paul: I hate to interrupt, but look at this… 99% fat-free milk! Where’s the other one percent!? I mean, hey… back to your story!

[ Paul goes away. ]

Keith: So, what I’m wondering is… if I lost three hours, why did I go!!

Bob: Hey! Maybe you should just fly back!?

Keith: What if I can’t fly West!? I mean, hey, what if I flew West for the next six months!? By the time I landed, I’d be a little kid!

[ Paul carries a coffee mug in his hand. ]

Paul: Hey! Did you hear about Bill? He’s in the hospital.

Bob: Hey! Bill from The Laugh Shack!?

Paul: Yeah! It seems he’s got something wrong with his kidney!

Bob: Oh, hey! That’s too bad!

Keith: Yeah! That’s a real shame!

Bob: Yeah! He was looking a little sick! I was wondering, “What’s the matter!?”

[ Paul’s silent for a moment. ]

Paul: Hey! What’s the matter with those guys on “Miami Vice”!? Those guys never wear any socks! I mean, guys, “What’s the big deal!?” You imagine what those top-siders smell like!? Think about it!? That’s bare skin on leather!

Bob: Hey! You know what I hate!? Losing socks in the laundry!

Keith: Hey! How ‘bout laundry lint!? I mean, I never see that lint on my clothes! I mean, hey, “Where does it come from!?”

Bob: Hey! Maybe it’s just a shredded up sock!? I mean, hey, ever notice the lint’s the same color as the missing sock!?

Paul: And then the other socks get lonely! Hey! Maybe that’s why they cling on you!?

Bob: Hey! And what about that “Star Trek”!?

[ Paul opens the stage door to fainting applause. ]

Paul: Hey! Bob, it looks like you’re up! And hey, hot crowd!

Bob: Hey! I feel real pumped!

Keith: Hey! Break a leg!

Paul: Hey! Sprain a kneecap!

Bob: Thanks! And hey, I hope you don’t mind!? I’m going to use that French Toast bit!

Paul: Hey!

[ Bob points to Paul and exits. ]

Bob: Hey!

Paul: Hey! Wait a minute! That’s my bit!

Keith: Hey! That’s his closing bit!

Paul: Hey! I was going to use that on Carson in three weeks!

Keith: Hey!

Paul: Hey! I got to call my manager!

[ Paul picks up the payphone receiver and starts bickering without putting any coins into the top. Keith sticks his arms out and shouts from the stage door. ]

END

Submitted by: Cody Downs

SNL Transcripts

Tom Hank’s Monologue

…..Tom Hanks

Don Pardo: Ladies and Gentlemen, Tom Hanks!

[Tom walks out, causing much audience applause]

Tom Hanks: Thanks so much for coming to the show. This, this really is a dream come true for me, because, like, like many of you, I was a child of the 70’s, and watching the show was just a ritualistic part of life. I was back in college you know, and every Saturday night I’d watch the show and I’d sit there and think, “Someday. Someday, I’m gonna watch this show on my own TV”. And, uh, about six years later that dream came true. Then, the next dream was to be here, be part of the studio audience, be part of the show. But, I didn’t live in New York, and I couldn’t afford to fly up. There was also a problem – they said I killed a guy, they wouldn’t allow me to stay. It was a little mix-up, got all taken care of.

Well, now I’m hosting the show, and I gotta admit, it’s, um, a little disappointing, mainly because I’d really like to be able to watch myself doing the show live. Now, I’ve got a VCR at home, I got myself on plenty of video tapes, many of them standing up, most of them with my clothes on, uh, but it’s just, uh, it’s just not the same —

[Notices a monitor offstage and walks over to it, and begins watching himself doing the show live]

Yeah, that’s great! Yeah, hey, yeah, I’m uh Tom Hanks, maybe you saw me in “Splash”?

[Moves so that the camera can get the monitor to show him watching the camera watching the camera, watching the camera, so that shots of the scene are on each monitor on the monitor’s screen]

This really isn’t makin’ it, does anyone have a mirror, like a makeup mirror?

[Goes to a woman in the audience and takes her purse, and gets a small mirror out of it]

Ah, I’ve seen all that stuff before, thank you, I’ll give this right back

[Heads back to the monitor, and stands next to it while watching himself in the mirror]

Oh yeah, that’s me!

[Singing]
“It’s an invitation, across the nation!”

Yeah, this really is a dream come true!

[Singing again]
“A chance for foes to meet!”

We got Sade, Steven Wright, thanks for comin’, we’ll be right back!

[Continues singing as the camera pans out].

Thanks to Larry Petit for this transcript!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 11: Episode 5

85e: Tom Hanks / Sade

Steve’s Fantasy

Steve…..Tom Hanks
Molly…..Joan Cusack
Kathy…..Nora Dunn
Waiter…..Terry Sweeney

FADE IN:

INT. RESTAURANT – NIGHT

[ STEVE & MOLLY have their arms locked, sipping from each other’s wine glass. After sipping, they smile at one another. KATHY THE WAITRESS brings two entrees in her hand. ]

Kathy: Steve, your steak au’poi.

[ Kathy places Steve’s plate before him. ]

Steve: Oh, thank you.

Kathy: And Molly, your duck ala ronge.

[ Kathy places Molly’s plate before her. ]

Molly: Oh, thank you, Kathy, so much.

Steve: Yes, yes, it looks delicious!

Kathy: Well… happy anniversary!

Steve: Aww! Thank you.

Molly: That’s very nice.

[ Kathy moves to another table. Molly caresses Steve’s left shoulder. Steve’s looking at the back of Kathy’s thighs. ]

Molly: Oh… I can tell she’s your type.

[ Steve guffaws for a beat or two. ]

Steve: Oh, honey, you knew I always was a leg man. Just something about the back of a woman’s leg, just below the knee that makes me —

[ Steve convulses in excitement. ]

Molly: I know. Well, well… you’ve always been quirky that way.

Steve: Well, well, you should just know about very quirk there is to know about me.

Molly: And how…

[ Steve cocks his head high. ]

Steve: Um, excuse me!?

[ A WAITER ENTERS. ]

Steve: Could I have a steak knife please?

[ The waiter nods. ]

Waiter: Yes, sir! Right away!

Molly: You know Steve… what’s wonderful about us is after eight years, besides being in love, we’re really best friends.

Steve: Yeah… and that is so rare. I think it’s because we know each other so well.

Molly: Exactly. I don’t think there’s anything in your inner most thoughts that could surprise or shock me because we know each other so well.

[ Steve drinking wine and holds his breath for a few moments. ]

Steve: Well… here’s something. I, I, I don’t know why I’m bringing it up. Oh, it’s silly. No, I really shouldn’t.

Molly: No, no, no. C’mon, what is it?

[ Steve & Molly both sip wine. ]

Steve: Why not!? I sometimes have this fantasy that you die.

Molly: Really?

[ Steve sips some more wine. ]

Steve: Mm-hmm. Yeah.

Molly: Gosh… that, that’s kind of quirky. How, uh, how exactly do I die?

Steve: Well… I don’t know. Sometimes I think I think it would be sadder if you suffered a long, lingering death. Then other times, you go like that!

[ Steve snaps his fingers. ]

Steve: You’re walking by a construction site and big crane falls on you or something. Everyone would come to the funeral. See me with little Jason & Jennifer and think, “Poor Steve.”

Molly: Oh, honey.

Steve: How your sister comes down from Vermont to look after the kids? But I don’t think that’s right for her. Deidre’s always had a life of her own and never liked the city anyway. The only solution though is one of those 18-19 year-old au pair girls from Sweden. Yeah… one of those girls who would jump at any opportunity to spend a year or two in America. She comes over, takes care of the kids, and my career progresses along smoothly.

[ Steve sips some wine. ]

Molly: Does she cook!?

Steve: Oh, sure! Great cook!

Molly: What does she cook?

Steve: Spetzel. It’s a special noodle, kind of dumpling thing. Oh, the kids love it! You should see them —

[ Steve bangs his utensils on the table. ]

Steve: “More spetzel! More spetzel!” Then there, of course, would be the inevitable attraction between me and Uli. We fight it for as long as we can, of course. But then, one night, Jason has the croup. And Uli’s sitting up with him and I come and set up the steam tent, and then Jason falls asleep. I don’t know… It’s just becomes silly… ignoring these feelings. We make love and it changes everything.

The kids notice it, everything becomes awkward, and it would just be better if Uli left. Through my connections at the office, I get her started on a very, lucrative modeling career… then I meet all her modeling friends. They come over to the house and they see little Jason & Jennifer. And they see you picture up on the mantle and they think, “Poor Steve.”

[ Steve gets lost in thought and then gulps a large taste of wine. Molly stares vacantly at him. ]

Molly: You know, Steve… You’ve clearly done a lot of thinking about this.

Steve: No… Oh, c’mon! You know I’m too busy to sit around and think what’d be like if you died. Well maybe on the train on the way to work in the morning and on the way home at night. And maybe, when someone puts me on hold at the office, but it’s not like I suit around going, “Okay, now I’m going to imagine what’d be like if Molly was dead.” C’mon! You know I want you to live out your natural life. C’mon, I’m surprised you’re taking it like this — I thought we were friends.

Molly: I think I’m reacting perfectly normally.

Steve: Honey, you are so sensitive. Okay, here, tell me, something… anything. Don’t you sometimes think of another man when we’re making love?

Molly: No.

Steve: Oh, come on, Mol –- everybody does it!

Molly: I don’t.

Steve: Really!?!?

Molly: I’m perfectly happy sleeping with you.

Steve: Huh…

Molly: Why? Do you sometimes fantasize about other women when we’re in bed?

Steve: Sometimes…

Molly: Who?

Steve: I don’t know… Deidre.

Molly: My sister!?!?

Steve: Well, she looks like you!

Molly: Oh, honey!! I can’t believe this!

[ Molly gets up from the table and Steve grabs her hand to prevent her from leaving. The waiter returns wielding a steak knife in his hand. ]

Waiter: Here’s you steak knife, sir.

[ Molly runs right into the knife. Steve gets up from his seat as Molly falls to the ground. ]

Waiter: I’ve stabbed her!

[ Steve holds Molly’s body in his hands on the floor. ]

Waiter: She’s dead! I’m sorry — it’s my first night.

[ The waiter wails. ]

Kathy: What happened?

Steve: This is terrible. I feel responsible. If only I hadn’t…

[ Steve and Kathy’s eyes lock. ]

Kathy: Poor Steve…

[ Steve turns his head away and is frozen in the moment. He jaw drops as he ponders the future. The CAMERA ZOOMS OUT to show other patrons eating; others view Molly’s body. The waiter’s still wailing as a WIDE SHOT of STUDIO 8H shows a camera crane rising higher and other camera operators still filming. ]

END

Submitted by: Cody Downs

SNL Transcripts

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:
December 14th, 1985

Tom Hanks

Sade

Steven Wright

Entertainment Tonight

Tom Hanks’ Monologue

Trojans

(Repeat) See: 11/16/85.

The Stand-Ups

Recurring Characters: Paul, Keith, Bob.

The Pat Stevens Show

Recurring Characters: Pat Stevens.

Sade performs “Is It A Crime”

Weekend Update with Dennis Miller

Steve’s Fantasy

Patrological Liar

Recurring Characters: Tommy Flanagan.

Sade performs “The Sweetest Taboo”

Steven Wright

Christmas Shopping Break

Fishermen’s Treasure

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 11: Episode 4

85d: John Lithgow / Mr. Mister

Master Thespian

Master Thespian…..Jon Lovitz
Baudelaire…..John Lithgow

Announcer: The early part of the 20th Century produced some of the greatest actors ever to grace the stage – Barrymore, Gelgud, Richardson, Olivier. But.. there was one actor who surpassed them all in both brilliance and volume. Born Jonathon Yankonvichi, he was known to all simply by the name that described him best: Master Thespian.

[ pan across to Master Thespian writing in his diary ]

Master Thespian: “Dear Diary: I am awaiting the arrival of my mentor and acting teacher, the great Baudelaire. Today’s lesson is costumes. Knowing Baudelaire, he will come over and try to fool me in some silly disguise. But today, it will be I who fool him. I hope. Until tomorrow, Master Thespian.” [ a knock is heard at the door ] Yes?

Voice at Door: [ mimicks trumpet fanfare ] Make way for His Royal Highness, King George V!

Master Thespian: One moment! [ jumps up ] Thank God! The King to see me! [ before the door ] Enter all!

Baudelaire: [ enters, disguised as King ] Thank you! I am looking for the greatest actor of all time! The theatrical community of all London told me I might be able to find him.. here!

Master Thespian: Yes, your Majesty! The man you speak of stands before you!

Baudelaire: Ah-ha! Then you must be the great.. Baudelaire!

Master Thespian: [ insulted ] Don’t be silly! I’m Master Thespian. Baudelaire is merely a teacher.

Baudelaire: Merely a teacher?

Master Thespian: Yes! And barely one at that.

Baudelaire: Oh, really? Why don’t you try saying that.. [ removes crown ] ..to his face!

Master Thespian: [ fooled ] Oh! Baudelaire! You fooled me!

Baudelaire: Acting!

Master Thespian: Oh, please, forgive me..

Baudelaire: No!

Master Thespian: But I have questions..

Baudelaire: No!

Master Thespian: Oh, please.. I beg you.. [ kneels ] ..on bended knee, from the very depths of my heart.

Baudelaire: Oh, get up. I have already forgiven you, I was merely.. acting!

Master Thespian: [ fuming ] Again?! You fooled me again!

Baudelaire: Thank you! Now, then.. what is the Question du Jour?

Master Thespian: Oh, Baudelaire.. I’ve been offered to play the most difficult part of my entire career. I am to play a man trapped in the body of a woman, playing the part of a five-year-old dog who thinks he’s a cat! My question is: what should I do?

Baudelaire: [ thinking tentatively ] Costume!

Master Thespian: Genius!

Baudelaire: Thank you! Now, then.. have you prepared the fencing scene from Hamlet?

Master Thespian: Yes! [ grabs fencing foils ] Here is your foil.

Baudelaire: Thank you! Very well. You shall play the part of Hamlet! And I shall play the great.. Baudelaire! By the way, you were brilliant in last week’s “Ice Man” as Hickey.

Master Thespian: Oh, thank you. And, may I add, you were equally brilliant as Baudelaire!

Baudelaire: Thank you! Now!

[ they begin to fence furiously. Baudelaire staggers backwards as Master Thespian swings his foil near him ]

Baudelaire: [ covering his chest with his hand ] Oh, Master.. M-master, you’ve cut me.. look how the blood gushes from my very veins!

Master Thespian: Oh, please forgive me, it was an accident..

Baudelaire: Don’t be silly! [ opens his jacket to reveal no cut ] Acting!

Master Thespian: Oh, you fooled me!

Baudelaire: Of course I fooled you! I am the greatest actor of all time! I am.. Baudelaire!

Master Thespian: [ thrusts foil ] On guard!

[ they begin fencing again. Suddunly, Master Thespian drops his foil and falls gracefully into Baudelaire’s arms ]

Baudelaire: Master? Are you hurt?

Master Thespian: Oh, Baudleaire, I’m afraid we’ve played this acting thing too far. You’ve made worm’s meat of me! Adieu.. adieu.. remember me. Look! [ points ] The face of death is near! And so.. I flail! [ his legs kick before his body falls limp ]

Baudelaire: Master! [ cries ] I have killed my protege! How.. how.. how.. how will you ever forgive me..?

Master Thespian: [ stands ] Very good! I was merely acting!

Baudelaire: So was I! I’ve fooled you again!

Master Thespian: No! It is I who fooled you! For I am dead.. and merely acting alive!

Baudelaire: Genius!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 11: Episode 4

85d: John Lithgow / Mr. Mister

John Lithgow’s Monologue

…..John Lithgow

John Lithgow: Thank you, thank you, thanks so much! Thank you, I am John Lithgow, I want to welcome you all and thank you for helping us out. I’m really delighted ot be here. I got here a few nights ago, got straight off the plane from Los Angeles, went straight into a story conference, and ever sicne then I’ve been caught up in the most craziest, most frantic whirlwind of jokes and gags. These guys are out of their minds, I’m telling you. THey didn’t even give me a chance to get over my jet lag.. but they have been very wonderful in helping me just loosen up, relax, and have a good time in preapring for the show.

First of all, I just want to tell you – please, don’t be disappointed that you’re just our dress rehearsal audience. In fact, you’re doing us a tremendous favor here. You know, you’re just being our crowd, while we work out all the last-minute bugs, and.. who knows, you might be lucky – they tell me, half the time, the dress rehearsal goes ten times better than the real show. I know I’m a lot looser now than I’m gonna be three hours from now, I’ll tell you that. I don’t know, it’s something about live television, knowing that millions and millions of people are watching every little move you make! I mean, to me, this is absolutely terrifying!

I think it kind of takes me back to when I was a little boy.. the first stage play I ever acted in. I was one of the little kids in “The King And I”, and when it came time for my first line, I was so paralyzed with nerves and fear, all I could think of to do was launch into “Getting To Know You” at the top of my lungs. hopefully, that’s not going to happen later on this evening! Anyway, just remember all of you, this is a dress rehearsal. A lot of things are bound to go wrong.. but don’t be too hard on us..

Director’s Voice: John? John?

John Lithgow: Yeah?

Director’s Voice: You’re on the air, John.

John Lithgow: Sorry?

Director’s Voice: You are on the air, John

John Lithgow: [ starts laughing ] What did I tell you about these clowns! This is Dave Wilson, he’s our director. All through the rehearsal, he’s going to be..

Director’s Voice: John, we’re live! You are on the air!

John Lithgow: [ looks at his watch ] Davey, it’s 8:37. I do have a wristwatch, you know?

Director’s Voice: That’s L.A. time!

John Lithgow: [ confused ] What?

Director’s Voice: It’s 8:35 in L.A. It’s 11:35 in New York! You never reset your watch!

John Lithgow: [ glances at his watch again, panics, getting nervous ] Get Lorne Michaels out here, please.. [ slowly starts to sing “Getting To Know You”, then engages the audience to sing along joyously ] Thank you all very much, you’ve been a great audience!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 11: Episode 4

85d: John Lithgow / Mr. Mister

Goodnights

…..John Lithgow

John Lithgow: Well, good night everybody. Thanks for being here. Thanks for watching

Submitted by: Kyleman88

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 11: Episode 4

85d: John Lithgow / Mr. Mister

Dad’s Cliches

Dad…..John Lithgow
Daughter…..Joan Cusack

[ SETTING: Dad’s workshop ]

Daughter: Hi, Dad. Whatcha doing?

Dad: Oh, just sharpening up this old saw, honey.

Daughter: Dad, do have a minute to talk?

Dad: Honey, I always have time for my little girls. All five of you. What’s on your mind?

Daughter: Well.. it’s about Jeff and me..

Dad: Uh-oh. The honeymoon’s over.

Daughter: Yeah, I’m afraid so.

Dad: So you had a little spat, huh? A little tiff? Scrap? Squabble?

Daughter: Worse, Dad..

Dad: A tussle? A brawl? A knock-down, drag-out?

Daughter: Dad, stop it.

Dad: Right! Cut the bull! Can it! Knock it off!

Daughter: Dad, this is serious. Jeff and I are getting a divorce.

Dad: [ shocked ] Oh. a parting of the ways.

Daughter: I just don’t know what to do. It’s like my life’s turned upside-down.

Dad: Boy, that’s too bad, sweetie. But you did have five good years with Jeff.

Daughter: No, Dad. Jeff and I have been married for six months.Tina‘s been married five years.

Dad: [ laughs ] Oh, right! Boy, I come down into this basement,sometimes, and my mind just zips off to Looney Land! So, whathappened, sweetie?

Daughter: Well..

Dad: Was he drinking? Did he like to hoist a few? Bend an elbow? Tie one on?

Daughter: No, Dad.

Dad: Oh.. then he was slipping out on you, huh? Getting a little on the side? Burning a candle on both ends?

Daughter: No, Jeff was completely faithful, as far as I know.

Dad: [ puzzled ] Hmm.. sounds like a straight arrow, rock solid, salt of the earth kind of a guy.

Daughter: Yeah. I don’t know.. I guess it’s me, really. I have so many feelings pent up inside, and I don’t have anyone to talk to about them.

Dad: That’s what fathers are for, honey. When you’re at the end of your rope.. your back up against the wall.. barely able to keep your head up above water.. going down for the third time..

Daughter: [ frustrated ] Dad! Dad, I’m really upset about this! I.. I can’t sleep anymore!

Dad: Boy! There’s nothing like, you know, hitting the old hay. Sawing some logs.

Daughter: I know.. so I.. I started taking sleeping pills, and..well.. I think I’m addicted..

Dad: Hoo, boy! Honey, that’s a one-way street.. a long road ahead, no turning. That’s a monkey on your back.

Daughter: I know.. and so, Jeff and I haven’t been.. you know.. doing.. [ Dad mimes a thrust ] Yeah! And.. well.. I don’t know.. I don’t think he loves me anymore!

Dad: [ holding his daughter in his arms ] Now, listen to me, honey.. because I’m going to tell you something very, very important – Time sneaks up on you, honey, like a windshield sneaks up on a bug. Night is one long search for tomorrow. You only have one life to live, you’ve got to live it one day at a time. Does that make any sense to you?

Daughter: [ shakes her head ] No. No! It’s like you haven’t heard a word I’ve said!

Dad: [ laughs ] In one ear, out the other, huh? Liketalking into a brick wall! Spitting into the wind!

Daughter: [ upset ] Dad, will you stop it, please! I mean, youhaven’t said real thing to me tonight! Or my whole life, for that matter!

Dad: Well, maybe not, honey, but that’s water over the dam now.. what’s past is past.. that’s yesterday’s news.. four-day-old fish.. twice-cooked pork..

Daughter: [ furious ] Is that what my pain is to you?! One bigcliche?! Don’t you understand what I’m going through here?! I can’t sustain a meaningful relationship! I can’t hold down a full-time job! I am paralyzed with anxiety and fear most of the time! No one understands what I’m going through! It’s like my life is a whirlpool of despair!

Dad: Uh-oh! Somebody’s being a little sad sack! That’s not the little girl that I know. Come on, I know that there’s a smile in there somewhere.. [ points at her feet ] Oh! I think it’s down in your feet.. oh! Here it comes! [ tickles her tummy ] It’s coming up your leg, over your tummy, up your neck.. oh oh oh! [ tickles her face as she smile ] There it is! I knew it was in there!

Daughter: Oh, Dad, you’re really hopeless. But I love you.

Dad: I love you, too, Tina.

Daughter: Debbie.

Dad: That’s it!

[ they hug to fade ]

SNL Transcripts