For Die Hard Saturday Night Live Fans
Air Date:
Host:Musical Guest:Special Guests:
November 9th, 1985
Madonna
Simple Minds
Brandon Tartikoff
Simple Minds, “Alive & Kicking”
Recurring Characters: Father Guido Sarducci.
Recurring Characters: Jones Brothers’.
Card trick has Teller trapped in a water tank.
Recurring Characters: Nancy Reagan, Prince Charles, Lady Di.
Recurring Characters: Cabrini Green.
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 11: 1985-1986
]]>
Starring:
Featuring:
Episodes
SummaryAfter a five-year absence, Lorne Michaels is back as Executive Producer of the mainstream variety classic he introduced late-night viewers to an even-decade earlier. Returning to the helms of his creation, he takes a cue from former producer Dick Ebersol, and brings in his own all-star roster, which includes the familiar likes of Randy Quaid and Anthony Michael Hall to the not-so-familiar likes of Terry Sweeney and Danitra Vance, all the way to the likes of future Hollywood stars Joan Cusack and Robert Downey, Jr. Despite the potential of Lorne’s second cast, only newcomers Nora Dunn, Jon Lovitz and Dennis Miller make it to the next season, Nora with her vain model-turned-talk show host Pat Stevens, Lovitz with his Pathological Liar, and Miller with his almost Christopher Guest-look-a-like appearance behind a resurrected Weekend Update desk.
Dismal ratings caused Lorne to set the season-ending cast party ablaze,sparing only Jon Lovitz’s life – Dennis Miller and Nora Dunn apparently outsmarted the other cast members and found their own way out!
Index of /84![[ICO]](/icons/blank.gif){kind=icon}
NameLast modifiedSizeDescription
![[DIR]](/icons/back.gif){kind=icon}
Parent Directory – ![[ ]](/icons/unknown.gif){kind=icon}
84a.phtml13-Oct-2006 10:17 4.0K84alifestyles.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 4.3K84aswimmers.phtml07-Aug-2008 17:12 6.3K84b.phtml13-Oct-2006 10:17 2.6K84btippiturtle.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 3.2K84c.phtml13-Oct-2006 10:17 2.9K84cmagnets.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 2.9K84d.phtml13-Oct-2006 10:17 3.7K84dbuddy.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 6.4K84dfernando.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 5.3K84dfolksmen.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 15K84dmono.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 3.6K84dpbs.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 5.6K84dreagan.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 2.6K84e.phtml13-Oct-2006 10:17 3.6K84echess.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 4.7K84efranklin.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 12K84emondale.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 2.7K84emono.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 5.5K84enews.phtml13-Oct-2006 10:17 9.6K84esac.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 2.6K84eted.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 3.0K84ewillie.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 6.7K84f.phtml13-Oct-2006 10:17 3.1K84f60minutes.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 8.5K84flougrant.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 7.1K84fpeterpan.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 8.6K84fricky.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 6.8K84fwingtips.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 4.0K84g.phtml13-Oct-2006 10:17 3.2K84gnews.phtml13-Oct-2006 10:17 10K84greagan.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 2.8K84h.phtml13-Oct-2006 10:17 2.9K84hauction.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 4.1K84hblackwell.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 5.9K84i.phtml23-Aug-2007 07:54 3.5K84ialive.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 2.4K84imilestones.phtml23-Aug-2007 07:54 12K84iminute.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 3.1K84imono.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 4.1K84imrrobinson.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 3.7K84iwhitelikeeddie.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 5.5K84j.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 13K84jblackwell.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 12K84jfernando.phtml10-Nov-2006 00:43 7.9K84jfranklin.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 11K84jgoodnights.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 3.2K84jmacdouglass.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 4.2K84jmono.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 4.4K84jnews.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 12K84jpickup.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 8.4K84jtony.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 8.6K84k.phtml13-Oct-2006 10:17 3.0K84kbadcop.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 7.1K84krickyphil.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 9.8K84l.phtml13-Oct-2006 10:17 2.9K84m.phtml13-Oct-2006 10:17 3.5K84mcourt.phtml13-Oct-2006 10:17 7.3K84mkateali.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 4.4K84mmono.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 4.3K84mnews.phtml13-Oct-2006 10:17 15K84mricky.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 13K84n.phtml13-Oct-2006 10:17 3.4K84nfernando.phtml13-Oct-2006 10:17 9.2K84nmono.phtml13-Oct-2006 10:17 2.6K84o.phtml13-Oct-2006 10:17 3.2K84oprince.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 4.4K84p.phtml13-Oct-2006 10:17 3.0K84pauditions.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 12K84pjackpotwad.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 13K84pnews.phtml13-Oct-2006 10:17 17K84pwright.phtml28-May-2007 00:29 4.3K84q.phtml13-Oct-2006 10:17 2.8K1984.phtml12-Dec-2007 13:15 8.5K![[IMG]](/icons/image2.gif){kind=icon}
1984intro1.jpg04-Nov-2006 17:04 9.3K1984intro2.jpg04-Nov-2006 17:05 13K1984intro3.jpg04-Nov-2006 17:05 17K1984intro4.jpg04-Nov-2006 17:05 14K1984intro5.jpg21-Apr-2002 00:00 4.4K1984intro5j.jpg04-Nov-2006 17:05 11K1984intro6.jpg04-Nov-2006 17:05 11K1984intro7.jpg04-Nov-2006 17:05 45K1984intro8.jpg04-Nov-2006 17:05 12K1984intro9.jpg04-Nov-2006 17:05 12K1984intro10.jpg04-Nov-2006 17:04 15K1984intro11.jpg04-Nov-2006 17:04 12K1984intro12.jpg04-Nov-2006 17:04 11K1984intro13.jpg04-Nov-2006 17:04 12K1984intro14.jpg04-Nov-2006 17:05 12K1984intro15.jpg04-Nov-2006 17:05 13K1984intro16j.jpg04-Nov-2006 17:05 11K1984intro17.jpg04-Nov-2006 17:05 11K1984intro18.jpg04-Nov-2006 17:05 13K1984intro19.jpg04-Nov-2006 17:05 14K1984intro20.jpg04-Nov-2006 17:05 13Kbg.jpg21-Apr-2002 00:00 1.7Kline.jpg19-Apr-2002 00:00 726 local_40444.xml16-Oct-2006 07:45 198 ![[DIR]](/icons/folder.gif){kind=icon}
pics/07-Nov-2006 18:10 – space.gif19-Apr-2002 00:00 827 space2.gif19-Apr-2002 00:00 808 ![[TXT]](/icons/text.gif){kind=icon}
style.css19-Apr-2002 00:00 529
Air Date:Host:Musical Guest:Special Guests:
April 13th, 1985
Howard Cosell
Greg Kihn
None
Greg Kihn, “Lucky”
Recurring Characters: Willie, Frankie.
Recurring Characters: Ed Grimley.
Recurring Characters: Tony Minetti
Recurring Characters: Nathan Thurm, Dwight MacNamara, Robert Latta.
Recurring Characters: Fernando.
Steven Wright Stand-Up
… Christopher Reeve
… Steven Wright
Christopher Reeve: And now, an old friend ofSaturday Night Live, Steven Wright!
[Cheers and applause for the casually-dressed, nearlycatatonic stand-up comic with the frizzyhair.]
Steven Wright: [emotionless] Thanks….
I stayed up all night playing poker with Tarot cards…. I got a full house and four people died….
I finally went to the eye doctor, I got contacts, butI only need them when I read so I got flip-ups….
I have a map of the United States, it’s actual size…. It says, “One mile equals one mile.” …
I spent the day watching live animation. … Later, Iwas arrested for scalping low numbers at the deli….
I was once walking through the forest alone and a treefell right in front of me, and I didn’t hear it….
I’m planning a trip to Spain so I bought an album thatteaches you the language — you put the album on, youput headphones on, you learn the language while you’resleeping. During the night, the record skipped. … Igot up the next day, I could only stutter in Spanish…. When I go, I’m flying. I’m flying Air Bizarre.It’s a good airline, you buy a combination one-wayround-trip ticket. … You leave any Monday and theybring you back the previous Friday. … That way, youstill have the weekend. …
Sometimes, you can’t hear what I’m sayin’, it’s ’causesometimes I’m in parentheses. …
Every once in a while I like to stick my head out mywindow, look up at the sky, and smile for a satellitepicture. …
I went to the hardware store and bought some usedpaint. … It was in the shape of a house. … I alsobought some batteries, but they weren’t included. …So I had to buy ’em again. …
It was my birthday recently. For my birthday, I got ahumidifier and a dehumidifier. … I put ’em in thesame room and let ’em fight it out. … [cheers andapplause — after a slight pause, Wright says, witheven less enthusiasm than before:] Thanks. …
There’s a pizza place near where I live that onlysells slices. You go there and see the guy throwin’ upa triangle. [mimes tossing triangular dough]…
I went to a museum where they had all the heads andarms from the statues that are in all the othermuseums. … I had trouble goin’ home from there’cause I parked my car in a tow-away zone. When I cameback, the entire area was gone. … For a while, Ididn’t have a car, I had a helicopter. But I hadnowhere to park it so I used to just tie a rope to itand leave it runnin’. …
When I was baby, I kept a diary. … Recently, I wasrereading it. It said, “Day One: Still tired from themove.” … “Day Two: Everybody talks to me like I’m anidiot.” …
I had the photograph on my license taken out-of-focuson purpose. … So, when the police stop me, they go–[mimes a policeman squinting uncertainly at thelicense, then handing it back to the driver] Here, youcan go. … One time, they stopped me for speeding andthey said, “Don’t you know the speed limit isfifty-five miles an hour?” I said, “Yeah, I know. ButI wasn’t gonna be out that long.” …
[Applause]
Thank you.
Submitted Anonymously
Saturday Night News with Christopher Guest
… Christopher Guest
… Jim Belushi
… Don Pardo
Paul Harvey … Rich Hall
Buddy Young, Jr. … Billy Crystal
… Calvert DeForest
[Music. SUPER: SATURDAY NIGHT NEWS against a nocturnalNew York City skyline.]
Don Pardo V/O: And now Saturday Night News withanchorperson Christopher Guest.
[Cheers and applause as the SUPER disappears and wepan over to Chris Guest, in suit and tie and seated atthe news desk.]
Christopher Guest: Thank you. Thank you, DonPardo. Our top story tonight:
Artificial heart recipient William Schroeder leftLouisville’s Humana Hospital today to live in a nearbyapartment. A special van transporting him stalled inthe driveway. But, fortunately, Schroeder’s heart isequipped with jumper cables. … Trip continuedwithout further incident.
Who is this man? [Photo of man in sunglassesand hat] And this man? [Photo of same man inseed cap] And this man? [Photo of same man inhardhat] And this man? [Photo of same man incowboy hat] Believe it or not, they are allthis man — [Photo of same man wearing no hat]– new Soviet leader Mikhail S. Gorbachev. … It’sbeen reported that he wears all those hats to coverthe birthmark on his head. However, SNL News haslearned that it is NOT a birthmark — it’s an aerialmap of the Philippine Islands [Photo of map] … leftover from Gorbachev’s Soviet espionage days….
In New York this week, the ASPCA has accused theRingling Brothers, Barnum and Bailey Circus ofpresenting a fake unicorn, charging it is actually agoat with a surgically-implanted horn. A circusspokesperson has denied the charge, saying that theanimal is a sheep that suddenly sat down on abroomstick. …
[Photo of veterinarian reaching into a horse’s mouth]Famed jockey Willie Shoemaker was swallowed by a racehorse this morning … at an upstate track. Theveterinarian shown here trying to remove Shoemakerfrom the horse’s throat says it happens quite oftenwith hungry horses and small jockeys. …
Christopher Guest: And now, here with acommentary, is Saturday Night Live’s critic-at-largeJim Belushi. Jim? [applause]
Jim Belushi: Thank you, Chris. You know, I, uh,I love this country – uh – it’s been good to myfamily. It’s – it’s been great to me. I – You know, Idon’t like to say anything really bad about it but–But they did one stupid thing. They broke up AT&T.Y’know, we used to have like the BEST DAMN telephonesystem in the universe. But not any more. Not since -not since the trust busters broke up AT&T. Haveyou tried callin’ Information lately? [picks up aphone] I mean, y’know, they give you the number. Theysay the number is [imitates computer voice]”Five-Five-Five One-TWO-Four-NINE.” … And I say”THANK YOU” TO A RECORDING! … [pulls air horn fromunder desk, points it toward the phone and blasts thehorn noisily] … You know, I wanna talk to a humanbeing!
And call waiting! I HATE – I hate call waiting.Y’know, I’m in the middle of a conversation. I’mtalkin’ to somebody and hear this annoying littleclick. Click-click-CLICK! Right? And they say, “Holdon for a second,” right? And I know – hey, Iknow what’s gonna happen. The other call’sgonna be A LOT MORE INTERESTING THAN ME! … I mean,you know, how can I possibly have anything reallygreat to say?! They come back on the line and say,[imitates wimpy phone friend] “You know, uh, can Icall you right back?” … And I say– [pulls out airhorn again and blasts the phone] … YOU’RE NEVERGONNA CALL ME BACK! …
And then I get a BILL that you need to go to COMPUTERCAMP to EVEN READ! … And they’re charging you forthings that they aren’t supposed– that are supposedto be free. Y’know, I’m – I’m tryin’ to get myemotional life together and, since the break-up,they’ve been chipping away at it. Y’know what Imean? It used to be when you smashed a phone againstthe wall or threw it out the window, the phone companywould give you a brand new phone in twenty-four hours.No, now they call up– You call ’em up and they tellya, “Go to the phone store.” A phonestore! [imitates man talking to woman] “Okay,honey, I’m gonna go pick up a dozen eggs, a quart ofmilk, and a PHONE!” …
[holds up a check] And what about this?! What isthis?! A pay phone ate my quarter. They send mea check for twenty-five cents! … What am I supposedto do with this?! Take off o’ work, go to the bank …wait in line for a half hour … Get to the teller,she says, “How would you like this, Mr. Belushi? Allin NICKELS? … Two dimes and a nickel or twenty-fivepennies?!” [blasts the check with the air horn] …DON’T BE A WISE-ASS! …
[imitates mincing operator] “Thank you for callingAT&T.” [drops the check with disgust, it slides offthe desk, cheers and applause] Back to you,Chris.
Christopher Guest: Thank you. [Belushi honkshis horn once more, this time at Chris who cringes alittle] Ooh.
A new religious item came out this week. [holds up analbum full of cassette tapes] “Francis the TalkingBible.” … The complete Old and New Testamentsrecorded by Francis. … We can’t play it but it wouldsound something like: [flawlessly imitates 1950sanimal star Francis the Talking Mule] “In thebeginning, God create–” … Something like that.Anyway, I – I recommend this. [closes and puts albumaway]
Yesterday morning, the USA for Africa’s “We Are theWorld” record was broadcast simultaneously onthousands of radio stations including the nationwideMuzak system — the second time in its history thatMuzak has broadcast a human voice. … The first time,of course, was in 1965 when Don Pardo sang the themefrom “Jeopardy” … with a chorus of game show losers…. Don, can you give us a little bit of that?
Don Pardo V/O: [mellow and deeply apologetic]Sorry, Chris. I’ve forgotten it.
Christopher Guest: ‘S’too bad.
Don Pardo V/O: [building to a classic announcerfrenzy] But I can give you a matched set ofSamsonite luggage! … An Amana homefreezer! A round-trip–!
Christopher Guest: [interrupts] It’s okay!Thank you. Thank you, Don! Thank you. …
Don Pardo V/O: [mellow again] Not at all,Chris.
Christopher Guest: Never mind. Now, with aneditorial, here is guest commentator, PaulHarvey.
[Cheers and applause for the chipper, elderlylegendary radio personality who breaks up hissentences into weirdly multi-rhythmicphrases.]
Paul Harvey: Hellooooo, Americans! I’m PaulHarvey! [sudden pause as if in mid-sentence] … Youknow, yesterday morning, I interrupted my radiobroadcast, Chris – to join with billions across theplanet in singing [long pause, breaks into a grin] …”We Are – the World” – it’s true! [rapidly] Sales ofthe record have been phenomenally successful, themoney will go to starving nations. But there’s a lotof bureaucracy involved – money has to become records,records has to become money again, money has to beused to distribute grain. It’s a complicated process.Wouldn’t it be a lot simpler if they could just –eat – the records? … Why not record the songright onto this nutritious pita bread? [holds up aflat round piece of pita bread with a hole in thecenter] … Staple of millions throughout the world.[holds up a small pizza with a hole in it] Or how’bout this individual “We Are the World” pizza? …You know, the wife and I cook these up right in thestudio. I think you’re gonna be amazed at therecording values, Chris. They’re just absolutelyphenomenal. Give a listen – to this. [plays pizza onportable record player, horribly scratchy version of”We Are the World” song is heard]
Christopher Guest: Sounds great, Paul. Soundsgreat. That’s enough of that, okay? [annoyed, reachesover and takes the needle off the record, abruptlyending the song] That’s enough of that.
Paul Harvey: [tries to restart the song] Holdit, I was just getting to the Bruce Springfield partthere! Hold it. …
Christopher Guest: [puts a hand on the recordplayer] No, that’s – that’s fine. Okay? That’s just -that’s enough. Why don’t you just say good night, allright? …
Paul Harvey: Well, you know, there’s also thiszesty tortilla version– [holds up a tortilla with ahole in it] …
Christopher Guest: Just say good night – justsay good night, okay?
Paul Harvey: I’m Paul Harvey – gooodday! [applause]
Christopher Guest: In our last edition, wereported that music superstar Billy Joel had marriedDavid Brinkley. … Well, that’s a simple mistake tomake. Of course, Billy was married to Peter Jennings… who also works at ABC News. Sorry, David….
Before we go on, SNL News, uh, would like to extendour Christian friends best wishes for a joyous Easter,to our Jewish friends a happy Passover and to ourSnake Worshippers of Satan friends, have a nice day….
Christopher Guest: Here’s our residententertainment critic, a legend in comedy, Mr. BuddyYoung, Jr. [Buddy’s cheesy nightclub theme plays,cheers and applause which Buddy encourages – he is acigar-wielding, middle-aged Jewish insult comic in anugly pink and purple tuxedo who talks into a bulkysilver hand microphone]
Buddy Young, Jr.: I tell ya, these movietheaters are nuts! They get me nuts! It’s not like theold days, you go to the neighborhood theater. They gotall these theaters in one, now — they got a duplex, atriplex, a multiplex! And they’re filthy, am I right?!I got a herpes simplex in a quadruplex once! [rimshot] Get out of here! …
I tell ya, it’s nuts. And the food! Ah, the food inthese theaters is nuts. Used to be you get a bag o’popcorn and a Coke — thirty-five cents. Now, thepopcorn comes in a hatbox! … And the sodacomes in ONE size — it’s called TUB O’ COKE!… I tell ya, it’s too nuts, folks, it’s too wild outthere. And the kid who serves it! I mean, he’s apunker, you know? Now you get GREEN hair in yourpopcorn! [rim shot] …
It’s too wild, I’ll tell ya. And these music videosare nuts, too, I’ll tell ya that right now. That seguecost me twelve-fifty. I tell ya, they’re nuts! When Iwas a kid, a song was a song and that was it — am Iright, ladies and gentlemen? What the hell’shappening? Now a movie is a song, a song is a movie.They make no sense, these videos. A guy singin’ aballad — somebody else is putting a midget in ablender! … [glares at the crowd] What is this –the Hinckley jury? … Five, six, seven, I tell ya,it’s nuts! … It’s wild. You can rent movies anyplacenow on cassettes, they got ’em everyplace, they got’em everywhere, I tell ya, it’s crazy. Supermarkets,dry cleaners. My wife comes home from the gynecologist– she says to me, “Honey, I got cystitis andAmadeus!” … I said, “Is it serious?” Shesays, “Parts of it, but the music isbeautiful!” [rim shot] … I tell ya that now,it’s just — [scattered applause] — crawlin’ up myback!
[rises from desk and heads for the audience] I tellya, you know, it gets me nuts! It gets me nuts. [toCraig, a mustachioed, curly-haired man in the frontrow] How ya doin’, babe? How are ya? Could ya stand upjust for a second? I love to mingle. [inspects atattoo on Craig’s arm] Hey, what is this? Look atthis. This rub off? You get this from Cheerios orsomething? … This guy’s a biker, he’s gonna stomp myhead to get my face started. I tell ya, it’s the –[Craig playfully reaches for Buddy’s face] Hey. Don’tget cute, all right? … What is this — the SantanaLook-alike Club meeting? … What’s your name,babe?
Craig: Craig.
Buddy Young, Jr.: That’s right. Where yafrom?
Craig: Uniondale.
Buddy Young, Jr.: Uniondale? Where’sthat?
Craig: It’s on Long Island.
Buddy Young, Jr.: Big deal! Sit down! …[Craig sits, Buddy moves to another front row victim]Can I talk to you for a second? You mind standin’ up?[a man who appears to be either very tired or on drugsrises] You okay?
Man: Yeah.
Buddy Young, Jr.: You sure?
Man: Yeah.
Buddy Young, Jr.: It’ll kick in any minute.It’s called– … [scattered applause] No, I kid. Ikid this man. Manson’s stuntman … we have here,sitting here. Let me ask you this, babe. Where youfrom?
Man: [quietly] New Rochelle.
Buddy Young, Jr.: New Rochelle? Try to speakup. It’s called “English,” okay? … Nah, it’s apleasure to have you here, no kiddin’. [shakes theman’s hand] Right? [the man sits, Buddy moves on toanother victim, a young clean-cut guy] Oh, I know thisguy. How ya doin’, babe? How are ya? Jimmy Olsen!Ladies and gentlemen, Jimmy Olsen. … [slaps theboy’s cheeks playfully] Get out o’ here, you’re a wiseguy. [to the much older gentleman sitting in the nextseat] Would you mind standin’ up, please, just for asecond? Tell everybody–
[Loud, joyous cheers and applause for elderly,bespectacled character actor Calvert DeForest, betterknown as Larry “Bud” Melman, a popular regular onNBC’s “Late Night with David Letterman” — someoneyells, “Larry ‘Bud’!”]
Buddy Young, Jr.: What’s your name, babe? Anddon’t tell me “Perry White” ’cause I’ll, uh, leave alog here. What’s your name?
Calvert DeForest: Calvert DeForest.
Buddy Young, Jr.: What is it?
Calvert DeForest: Calvert DeForest.
Buddy Young, Jr.: Who cares? You know what I’msaying to you? … Calvert, people know you, they seemto know you. What’s your real–? People know yourdifferent name?
Calvert DeForest: Yeah. Larry “Bud” Melman.[more cheers and applause]
Buddy Young, Jr.: What do you do,Larry?
Calvert DeForest: [giggles uncontrollably] …Work on the David Letterman–
Buddy Young, Jr.: Try to cheer up, will ya,please, Larry? … [Buddy has his arm around DeForestwho is inching away from him] What are you pullingaway from me–? I’m clean. I took a shower. … Youknow what I’m saying? Oh, it’s wild. That herpes,it’ll get you nuts, I’ll tell ya that. [DeForestcracks up at this] … You’re a good sport, babe. Youready the play the game?
Calvert DeForest: [has no clue but is open toanything] Of course! [laughs, realizing there is nogame to play] …
Buddy Young, Jr.: I faked you, you faked me, weended up here. Let me ask you this.
Calvert DeForest: What?
Buddy Young, Jr.: How are things goin’? What,are you workin’ or what?
Calvert DeForest: Uhhhh. Yeah.
Buddy Young, Jr.: You had to think about it?What, you’re up late, huh?
Calvert DeForest: [laughing] Yeah! … For achange.
Buddy Young, Jr.: I love this man. I love -this – man. You still seeing Vicki Carr?
Calvert DeForest: Yes. …
Buddy Young, Jr.: Oh, that’s good. Good luck toboth of you.
Calvert DeForest: Thank you.
Buddy Young, Jr.: You know what I’m sayin’?You’re a lovely guy. This is a great man! [applause]This is a great man! Larry “Bud”! [returns to the deskand sits] No, but we need– And he proves the pointthat what we need is love today. [to the crowd in thebalcony] You got love up there? You got love? [cheersand applause] We got love! They got love. Back to you,Chris. Get out of here. [drops the mike]
Christopher Guest: Thank you very much. That’sall the news. Thank you very much.
[More cheers and applause. Buddy’s theme plays. Buddyand Chris converse. Buddy waves dismissively at thecrowd. Fade.]
Submitted Anonymously
Jackie Rogers Jr.’s $100,000 Jackpot Wad
Jackie Rogers, Jr……Martin Short
Angelique…..Pamela Stephenson
Sammy Davis, Jr…..Billy Crystal
Rajeev Vindaloo…..Christopher Guest
Captain Kangaroo…..Jim Belushi
Mindy…..Mary Gross
Announcer: Yesterday, our champion Rajeev Vindaloo, a private investigator from Kanoga Park, California won over $10,000 in cash and prizes. His challenger is Mindy Williamson, a schoolteacher from Harrisburg, Pennsylvania, and they’ll be battling it out today on America’s favorite game show –
Audience: Jackie Rogers Jr.’s $100,000 Jackpot Wad!!
Announcer: And here’s the man of the half-hour – Jackie Rogers Jr.!
[ Jackie enters singing and dancing ]
Jackie Rogers, Jr.: [ singing ]
“Who wants a winner, give ’em half a chance
Saints and sinners, the love to fill their pants
with loot from Uncle Sammy’s treasure chest
if you work hard
on Jackie Rogers Jr.’s $100,000 Jackpot Waaaaaaaaaaddd!”
[ audience applauds ]
Jackie Rogers, Jr.: You’re so sweet! In the words of the immortal Sally Field, “You like me!! You like me!!” [ laughs ] And, now, to introduce the celebrity guests, here’s my live-in lady, or common-law wife if you will, Angelique!
Angelique: [ enters ] Jackie, our celebrity, Mr. Entertainment himself – Sammy Davis, Jr.! [ Sammy enters ] And, Captain Kangaroo, Bob Keeshan! [ Bob enters ]
Jackie Rogers, Jr.: Oh, my goodness gracious, talk about excitement! Sammy, Day 2! Any thoughts, sir?
Sammy Davis, Jr.: I tell you Jacksola.. I’m just standing here kvelling, you know? I mean that, you know? I mean, to win money for these cats that you don’t know, well, that’s exciting!
Jackie Rogers, Jr.: Amen to that, sir. And, Rajeev, the private detective. Do you actually carry a gun?
Rajeev Vindaloo: Well, yes, I do carry a piece, yes. I’m known to wear a disguise or two.
Jackie Rogers, Jr.: Well, that sounds intriguing! And to my left, the wondrous Captain! Welcome back!
Captain Kangaroo: Thank you, Jackie. Just let me say hello to all the boys and girls out there – hello, boys and girls! And I’m tickled pink to be helping Mindy here. And a special thanks to you, Jackie, for paying me in cash. You are paying me in cash, right? No checks. That was the deal!
Jackie Rogers, Jr.: Yes, yes.. of course I am, my Captain! [ twirls fingers around his head ] And, Mindy, I heard backstage that you were a little bit shaky, a little bit nervous. Are you feeling better, my lady?
Mindy: Yes! Well.. no.. I guess you would say I’m satil nervous.. I guess.. I thought I wasn’t for a moment, but I was wrong..
Jackie Rogers, Jr.: Because, if you run into any trouble, Mindy, you can always contact your old friend Mork from Ork! [ snickers ]
Sammy Davis, Jr.: [ laughing ] You’re nuts!
Jackie Rogers, Jr.: I completely made that up, that was an improvisation!
Sammy Davis, Jr.: I know it, you lab rat, let’s do this!
Jackie Rogers, Jr.: So, you be good! Now, you all know the rules. They’re very much like “Pyramid”, but different. Now, Captain, would you like to give, or would you like to receive?
Captain Kangaroo: Um.. alright, I’ll give.
Jackie Rogers, Jr.: Great! Now.. the category is “Things You Find in a Circus”. “Things You Find in a Circus”. Captain, get ready, and go.
[ CLOWN ]
Captain Kangaroo: Okay.. okay.. this is a funny guy, he wears a red nose and big shoes.
Mindy: A clown!
[ TRAPEZE ARTIST ]
Captain Kangaroo: Okay. Uh.. these people work above the crowds, they swing from a bar.
Mindy: Monkeys!
Captain Kangaroo: No. They’re people. They swing from a bar, they use a net, they wear tights..
Mindy: I don’t know..!
Captain Kangaroo: Next one!
[ RINGMASTER ]
Captain Kangaroo: Okay, this man introduces all of the acts, he wears red..
Mindy: A clown!
Captain Kangaroo: [ slaps podium ] He introduces the act! “Ladies and gentlemen, children of all ages..” Top hat, microphone!
Mindy: I don’t know! I can’t think of anything!
Captain Kangaroo: He INTRODUCES the act!!
Mindy: I don’t know!
Captain Kangaroo: GO ON TO THE NEXT ONE!!
[ LION ]
Captain Kangaroo: Okay! It’s the King of the Jungle! It’s like a big cat! A man puts his head inside its mouth!
Mindy: I don’t know!
Captain Kangaroo: [ grabs her by the throat ] IT’S A LION, YOU MORON!! IT’S A LION!! WHAT THE HELL’S THE MATTER WITH YOU??!!
[ buzzer sounds ]
Jackie Rogers, Jr.: Bobby, now that is a disqualification..
Captain Kangaroo: NEXT!! NEXT!! NEXT!!!
[ bell rings ]
Jackie Rogers, Jr.: Oh, round over.
Captain Kangaroo: WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?!!
Jackie Rogers, Jr.: Well, I’m very, very sorry, but you did well.
Captain Kangaroo: Oh, this is just GREAT!!
Jackie Rogers, Jr.: Yes. Rajeev, Sammy, would you like to give, or would you like to receive, which one?
Sammy Davis, Jr.: [ pause ] I’ll give, Jackie.
Jackie Rogers, Jr.: Alright, very good. The category is.. “Horn of Plenty”. Sammy, describe these foods, if you will, sir.
Sammy Davis, Jr.: Ouch!
[ POPCORN ]
Sammy Davis, Jr.: Okay, this is a thing at the movies, it comes in kernals, you eat them up in oil.
Rajeev Vindaloo: Popcorn.
[ PICKLE ]
Sammy Davis, Jr.: This is a little hot, spicy number.
Rajeev Vindaloo: Rita Morena.
Sammy Davis, Jr.: No, babe. It comes from a cucumber, they let it sit in a barrel with its brothers so it becomes something else.
Rajeev Vindaloo: A caterpillar.
Sammy Davis, Jr.: Let’s move on.
[ ANGELFOOD CAKE ]
Sammy Davis, Jr.: This is an apres dinner kind of thing, dessert, three layers, icing on top.
Rajeev Vindaloo: Japuti.
Sammy Davis, Jr.: No, babe. Say you’re in heaven, you’re flying around, you got a little halo, you’re..
Rajeev Vindaloo: Dead.
Sammy Davis, Jr.: Yeah, but you did a lot of good stuff, you’re..
Rajeev Vindaloo: Blessed.
Sammy Davis, Jr.: Yeah, but you got the wings, the halo, you’re going from cloud to cloud..
Rajeev Vindaloo: I don’t know, what is it?
Sammy Davis, Jr.: Next.
[ CHOCOLATE BABIES ]
Sammy Davis, Jr.: Uh.. this is, uh..
Rajeev Vindaloo: Chocolate Babies?
Sammy Davis, Jr.: Right.
[ ASPARAGUS ]
Sammy Davis, Jr.: Okay, this is a long shaft kind of thing with a tip on the end..
Rajeev Vindaloo: [ winks ]
Sammy Davis, Jr.: Next!
[ BAGEL ]
Sammy Davis, Jr.: Ah, this is one of my people’s favorite kind of things, it’s a round thing..
Rajeev Vindaloo: Dress shields.
No, babe.. no, babe.. it’s something I have with cream cheese, lox and onion, and I prefer a slice of tomahto.
Rajeev Vindaloo: Oh, yes?
Sammy Davis, Jr.: I’ll put it to you this way, listen to me now. You’re in a boat, you’re sailing, not in the pcean but smaller than an ocean..
Rajeev Vindaloo: A lake.
Sammy Davis, Jr.: No, no.. not inland.
Rajeev Vindaloo: A sandbar.
Sammy Davis, Jr.: It’s a little inlet type of thing.
Rajeev Vindaloo: A bay.
Sammy Davis, Jr.: Right! Bay…
Rajeev Vindaloo: Yes?
Sammy Davis, Jr.: There’s a few birds, you see them, they’re called sea..
Rajeev Vindaloo: Birds.
Sammy Davis, Jr.: Right, right, they’re birds, but they’re called.. Sea..
Rajeev Vindaloo: Sea Birds.
Sammy Davis, Jr.: Right. You see them walking on the beach, they ared..
Rajeev Vindaloo: Whitie Birds.
Sammy Davis, Jr.: They are white, man, they’re called sea..
Rajeev Vindaloo: Birds.
Sammy Davis, Jr.: Let’s move on.
[ FILET MIGNON ]
Sammy Davis, Jr.: This is a nice hunk of meat, babe. It ain’t a delmonaco, it ain’t a shell, it’s..
Rajeev Vindaloo: Egg McMuffin.
Sammy Davis, Jr.: No. It comes with a piece of bacon strapped to the top..
Rajeev Vindaloo: Beef tuna.
Sammy Davis, Jr.: No, man, it’s the ultimate piece of meat.
Rajeev Vindaloo: Mel Gibson.
Sammy Davis, Jr.: No, babe. It’s the one that sits alone on the plate, you say, “How the heck does this cost that much?”
Rajeev Vindaloo: Filet Mignon.
Sammy Davis, Jr.: Right!
[ bell rings ]
Jackie Rogers, Jr.: Oh, Mindy, Captain, so sorry, but we do have the home version of the game for both of you.
Captain Kangaroo: Great, like that’s going to pay for my mortgage!
Jackie Rogers, Jr.: Alright! Rajeev, Sammy, let’s spin for the wad! [ they dance over to the wheel ] Oh, we’re here already, who’s winded! [ Angelique puts a pointy hat on Rajeev’s head and straps him to the wheel ] Alright, now, Rajeev will be spinning for anywhere from $100 to $100,000! How exciting! Just the thought of it must be giving Rajeev a chubby! Let’s ask him. Rajeev, are you excited, sir?
Rajeev Vindaloo: Yes, I am..
Jackie Rogers, Jr.: Sammy, any predictions, my friend?
Sammy Davis, Jr.: Predictions? Yeah. I predict Lena is gonna win a Lifetime Grammy, I mean it’s long overdue, you know? But that’s a whole other trip, you know? But, hey, I’ve got sphilkas – let’s spin and do!
Jackie Rogers, Jr.: Alright, Sammy, you do the honors.
Sammy Davis, Jr.: Oh, thank you, my man!
[ Sammy spins the wheel, watching as Rajeev goes round and round. When Rajeev stops, he’s pointing to “SPIN AGAIN” ]
Jackie Rogers, Jr.: Oh! Spin Again!
Sammy Davis, Jr.: Spin Again?
Jackie Rogers, Jr.: No! Isn’t that always the way! Oh, Sam, it’s irritating, isn’t it?
Sammy Davis, Jr.: I’m crashing low.
Jackie Rogers, Jr.: Well, good Lord. Now, Sam, give it a good tug, my man!
Sammy Davis, Jr.: Hey man, I weigh 122 with the rings, you know what I mean?
Jackie Rogers, Jr.: [ laughs ] Go to it!
Sammy Davis, Jr.: Alright, here we go, Raj..
[ Sammy spins the wheel, watching as Rajeev goes round and round. Rajeev continues to spin as the show’s closing music rises. ]
Jackie Rogers, Jr.: Oh, good Lord! Well, my producers tell me we’re out of time!
[ Sammy and Jackie sing “Big Wheel Keep on Turning” as Rajeev continues to spin out of control to close ]
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 10: Episode 16
84p: Christopher Reeve / Santana
Superman Auditions
Richard Donner…Jim Belushi
Rachel…Julia Louis-Dreyfus
…Christopher Reeve
Peter Blake…Rich Hall
Cory Meredith…Gary Kroeger
[Richard Donner and Rachel are sitting at a table in an audition room]
Richard Donner: All right. Send in that final three, will ya.
Rachel: Okay. [Gets up]
[Cut to wide shot of room with super: “FINAL AUDITIONS FOR ‘SUPERMAN-THE MOVIE’/JANUARY, 1977”]
Rachel: [Walks to the door] Okay, come on in. We’re ready for you. [She hands each auditioner a script as they enter and take a seat] Okay, thank you all for coming back. You’ve been very patient. As you know, we’ve auditioned thousands of actors for the role of Superman, and we’ve narrowed it down to you three. So one of you will be our new Man of Steel. Now, I’d like to introduce you to the man who’ll be directing the picture. This is Richard Donner, and he would like to see all of you together, you know, to compare you and so on before he makes his final decision, okay?
Cory Meredith: Mr. Donner? Ah, my name’s Cory Meredith, and I’d just like to say I’ve seen all your films. I’m a big fan of yours!
Richard Donner: [Leans over to Rachel and jokes] Well, I think we’ve found our Superman!
Cory Meredith: [laughs loudly] Oh, yeah.
Richard Donner: Okay, why don’t we start with you. [Points to Christopher] You’re, ah…
Christopher Reeve: Christopher Reeve.
Richard Donner: Okay, Chris, let’s try page 37, all right? Rachel, can you read Lois for me?
Rachel: Surely. [Chris and Rachel stand next to each other]
Richard Donner: Action.
Rachel: [flatly] I’ve lived in Metropolis all my life. Where are you from?
Christopher Reeve: [flatly] Well actually, Miss Lane, I come from a place very far away, a planet called Krypton.
Richard Donner: Okay, that’s very nice. Thank you, sit down. [Points to Peter] Okay, you are…
Peter Blake: Peter Blake.
Richard Donner: Okay, Peter, same lines, please.
[Peter gets up and stands next to Rachel]
Richard Donner: Ready, action.
Rachel: I’ve lived in Metropolis all my life. Where are you from?
Peter Blake: [following the words on the page with his finger as he reads them] Well actually, Miss Lane, I come from a place very far away, a planet called Krypton.
Richard Donner: Thank you.
Cory Meredith: [stands as Peter takes his seat] Cory Meredith.
Richard Donner: Yes, yes, I know, you’re Cory. Go ahead, action.
Rachel: I’ve lived in Metropolis all my life. Where are you from?
[Cory folds his script and sets it aside, turns around to look out the window, then turns back to face Rachel]
Cory Meredith: Well…actually, Miss Lane, I come from a place so…very far away. I come from a planet…called Krypton. [Confidently whispers] Yes! [Walks over to Richard]
Richard Donner: [Points to the chairs] Sit down. All right, that was very nice. Now I’d like you to try the scene on page, let’s see, 90, I think it is. This is where the mugger shoots Clark Kent, and he catches the bullet in his teeth. Chris, would you like to start?
[Christopher gets up and walks over to Rachel as Richard picks up a gun]
Richard Donner: Ready, action.
Rachel: Careful, Clark, he has a gun!
Christopher Reeve: Stand back, Lois, I’ll protect you!
[Richard fires the gun, but the unseen bullet ricochets and breaks a window pane behind him]
Richard Donner: You broke a window!
Christopher Reeve: [Walks over to Richard] Mr. Donner?
Richard Donner: What?
Christopher Reeve: The bullet bounced off my teeth. I know that I can do this. Can I try again?
Richard Donner: All right, all right, all right, all right, c’mon.
Christopher Reeve: [Walks back over to Rachel] I’ll protect you, I’ll protect you. Okay, I’m ready.
Richard Donner: Action. [Fires the gun, and the unseen bullet breaks another window pane]
Richard Donner: That’s two windows.
Christopher Reeve: That one bounced off my chin. I know I can do this. I’ve been practicing with my roommate all day. I know I can catch.
Richard Donner: Look, Chris, you’re probably just a little nervous. Why don’t you sit down, okay? Okay, Peter, are you ready?
[Peter gets up as Christopher sits]
Richard Donner: And, action!
Rachel: Careful, Clark, he has a gun.
Peter Blake: Stand back, Lois, I’ll protect you.
[Richard fires the gun. Peter’s head whips to the side, then turns back to reveal he successfully caught the bullet. Richard gets up and takes the bullet]
Richard Donner: Very nice work. Where did you train?
Peter Blake: New York, Stellar Adler.
Richard Donner: Very good. [Peter sits] All right, Cory, let’s try the same lines.
Cory Meredith: [stands and sets his script on the chair] I have it memorized.
Richard Donner: Action!
Rachel: Careful, Clark, he has a gun.
Cory Meredith: Stand back, Lois, I’ll protect you!
[Richard fires the gun, hitting Cory and sending him flying backwards into a pile of folding chairs]
Richard Donner: Rachel? [Waves her over and whispers to her]
Rachel: [Walks over to Peter and Christopher] Okay, um, we’ve narrowed it down to you two.
Richard Donner: Okay, let’s go right to page 118. This is where you take the lump of coal and squeeze it into a diamond. [Hands a lump of coal to Rachel] Okay, Chris, you wanna try it?
Christopher Reeve: Sure. [Gets up and walks over to Rachel, who hands him the coal]
Richard Donner: And, action!
Christopher Reeve: I’ll be glad to pay for the damages. [He squeezes the coal, but it becomes a gooey mess in his hands] Oh, I’m sorry.
Richard Donner: [Gets up and walks over to Christopher] Chris, whoa, whoa, I think you’re squeezing too hard, you liquified the thing. Here, here, you gotta… [Picks up another lump of coal]
Peter Blake: [Gets up and takes the coal] Chris, Chris, take even pressure. [He squeezes the coal, then holds up the resulting diamond]
Richard Donner: Very nice. Excellent job, excellent job. That’s very good, Peter.
Christopher Reeve: Excuse me, did I mention that I played in The Seagull at the Virgin Theater Festival.
Richard Donner: Yeah, we have your resume. Okay, now I wanna go to page 153, all right. Now this is where you melt Lex Luthor’s phone with your heat vision. Chris, let’s start with you. You can melt this pay phone right here. You ready? Action!
Christopher Reeve: I’m sorry, Lex, but that phone is out of order. [SFX of “heat vision” as Chris stares at the phone. The curtain next to the phone suddenly catches fire]
Richard Donner: The phone! I said the phone! We got a fire here now.
[Christopher tries to put out the fire as Richard and Rachel panic. Peter walks over to the curtain and blows. SFX: Strong wind. The curtain is “blown” off the rod and out the window.]
Richard Donner: Very good, Peter, very good! Well, Peter, congratulations! You’re our new Man of Steel! [Shakes Peter’s hand]
Peter Blake: No!
Richard Donner: Yes you are!
Rachel: Now listen, I’m gonna wanna get you down to Costumes right away. We’re going out on location next week, so…
Peter Blake: Next week? Oh, no, I can’t do that.
Richard Donner: Why not?
Peter Blake: I got a call-back on a Dial Soap commercial.
Richard Donner: Really, you can’t get out of it?
Peter Blake: [shakes his head] Thanks! [exits]
Rachel: [Shrugs] Well!
Richard Donner: [audibly whispering] All we got left is this idiot here. [Walks over to Christopher] Your name again?
Christopher Reeve: Christopher Reeve, sir.
Richard Donner: Congratulations, Chris.
Christopher Reeve: [Stands and shakes Richard’s hand] Ah, thank you, Mr. Donner!
Richard Donner: You’re our new Man of Steel.
Christopher Reeve: Ah, thank you!
Richard Donner: Now, listen to me. You’re gonna have to work on catching those bullets.
Christopher Reeve: Right, I understand, I will, Mr. Donner. I’ll start right now. Rachel, do you mind? We could practice right now. [Walks over to the window]
Rachel: It’ll be a pleasure, Superman.
[Rachel begins firing the gun, but Chris fails to catch any of the bullets]
Richard Donner: Come on! Open your mouth!
[The bullet-catching practice continues as the audience applauds. The cameras pull back to show the audience seated above the set. Fade]
Submitted by: JTR115
Air Date:Host:Musical Guest:Special Guests:
April 6th, 1985
Christopher Reeve
Santana
Steven Wright
Calvert DeForest
Santana, “Say It Again”
Recurring Characters: Doug Henning.
Recurring Characters: Jackie Rogers Jr., Rajeev Vindaloo, Sammy Davis, Jr.
Recurring Characters: Paul Harvey, Buddy Young, Jr.
Prince: “I Am Also The World”
Mark Goodman…Rich Hall
Prince…Billy Crystal
Backup Singer #1…Julia-Louis Dreyfuss
Backup Singer #2…Mary Gross
Bodyguard #1…Mr. T
Bodyguard #2…Hulk Hogan
Bruce Springsteen…Gary Kroeger
Paul Simon…Martin Short
Willie Nelson…Jim Belushi
Cyndi Lauper…Pamela Stephenson
(Open on video of people polka dancing)
Polka for Africa Singers:
“We will polka for peace,
we will polka for lunch,
it’s a worldwide polka brunch!”
(SUPER: POLKA for AFRICA, Send contributions to: P. O. Box 321, Cicero,Illinois)
(shows video in MTV studio, with Mark Goodman as VJ)
Mark Goodman: That’s “Polka For Africa”, and I’m Mark Goodman. Speaking of that, as you know, Prince did not appear in the big “USA For Africa” video because he was busy bailing out his bodyguards after they beat up some of his fans outside of a Hollywood restaurant. But now, the sultan of screen has organized his own video effort for the world hunger, and here it is now in an MTV exclusive.
(opens on Prince’s video, where he is at a recording session with backup singers and bodyguards)
Backup Singer #1: “There is a time when he must heed a certain call-“
Backup Singer #2: “Bodyguards calling to be set free.”
Backup Singers: “But they went ahead, and held the session anyway-“
Prince:
“But those muthas aren’t the world without me!
I am also the world,
I am also the children,
I am the one who had to bail them out,
Now ain’t that givin’!
It’s a choice I made!
The kids will have to wait,
There’s get to be another way to get on MTV.”
(Bruce Springsteen comes in, Prince signals to his bodyguards, who beat him up)
Bruce Springsteen: “We are the world, We are the child-“
(knocked down by bodyguards and carried off)
Prince: “I am the one who makes a brighter day, but just don’t push me!”
(Willie Nelson and Paul Simon enter)
Paul Simon: “Oh, there’s a choice we’re making,”
Paul Simon and Willie Nelson: “We’re saving our own lives,It’s true-“
(Willie Nelson and Paul Simon are carried off by bodyguards asthey scream in pain)
Prince: “I am also the world!”
Bruce Springsteen: (rising) “We are also the children!”
(Bodyguard #1 beats Bruce Springsteen to the ground)
Bodyguard #1: Shut up fool! (To Prince) Not you, sir!
Prince: “Start giving!”
(Cyndi Lauper enters)
Cyndi Lauper: “Well, well, well, let’s realize that a change can only come-“
(backup singers punch Cyndi in the stomach and knock her to the ground; bodyguards re-enter, Prince pulls open his shirt)
Prince:
“I am the world,
I am the children,
I am the one who makes a brighter day,”
Prince and Bodyguards: You wanna make something of it!
Prince:
“So I’ve got to say,
And I know this may sound trite,
Live from New York,”
Prince and Bodyguards: “It’s Saturday Night!”
Thanks to Tony Dumont for this transcript!
