Category:

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 10: Episode 9

84i: Eddie Murphy / Robert Plant & The Honeydrippers

Goodnights

…..Eddie Murphy

[ Eddie has his arms wrapped around longtime NBC propmaster Willie Day and Julia Louis-Dreyfus. ]

Eddie Murphy: The show was pretty good. But, the reason I came back – – more than anything – – is that this is Willie Day.

[ Audience starts to applaud. ]

Eddie Murphy: Wait a second! He has been working here for 38 years. This is his last show, he’s retiring, and I was here for it! Willie Day!!! What a show, huh!? Thank you!!!

[ Eddie and Julia share a kiss. Eddie then kisses Willie on the forehead. ]

Submitted by: Cody Downs

SNL Transcripts

http://cabletelevisionbundles.s9.com/ | Special Cable TV Promotions | http://www.chartercabledeals.org/

Buckwheat’s Still Alive

Alfalfa…..Mary Gross
Buckwheat…..Eddie Murphy

[Opens on Alfalfa sitting in a chair reading the newspaper]

Alfalfa: And then Mr. Dithers says “Dagwood, you should’ve been in the office at 9 am!” and Dagwood says, “Why, what did I miss?” [Laughs] That’s good! I love Blondie! Well, I think I’ll turn to the sports and see how the Giants are doing. I sure hope they gained the wildcard spot. My oh my, what a huge crowd scene… [Suddenly stares at the paper in shock] But, it can’t be! That’s impossible! [Takes a magnifying glass and takes a closer look at the photo, which reveals Buckwheat sitting in the crowd] It just can’t be! But he died! He died two years ago! I saw it with my own eyes!

[Dissolves to flashback footage of Buckwheat walking through a cheering crowd]

Buckwheat: No audogafs, please, please! I wud you! I wud you! I wud you! [Someone in the crowd shouts Buckwheat’s name] Yes? [Shots ring out, Buckwheat has been shot]

[Dissolves back to Alfalfa]

Alfalfa: It’s him alrighty, he’s alive! Buckwheat is alive!

[SUPER: To Be Continued]

[Dissolves to the 1984-1985 opening montage without saying, “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”]

Thanks to Larry Petit for this transcript!

SNL Transcripts

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:
December 15th, 1984

Eddie Murphy

Robert Plant & The Honeydrippers

Barbara Bach

Buckwheat’s Still Alive

Recurring Characters: Alfalfa, Buckwheat.

Eddie Murphy’s Monologue

White Like Eddie

Mister Robinson’s Neighborhood

Recurring Characters: Mister Robinson.

Milestones

Lifestyles of the Relatives of the Rich & Famous

Buckwheat Exposed

Recurring Characters: Buckwheat, Alfalfa.

Robert Plant & The Honeydrippers perform “Rockin’ at Midnight”

Lishman’s Deli

Recurring Characters: Gumby, Irving Cohen, Lew Goldman.

Newsmakers

Black History Minute

Lawrence Can’t Climb Stairs

Recurring Characters: Lawrence.

Saturday Night News with Christopher Guest

Recurring Characters: Angela Bradleigh.

Robert Plant & The Honeydrippers perform “Santa Claus is Back in Town”

Killing Time

Goodnights

SNL Transcripts

Strictly From Blackwell

Mr. Blackwell…..Harry Shearer
Eric de Monet…..Gary Kroeger
Rajeev Vindaloo…..Christopher Guest

Welcome to “Strictly From Blackwell”, hosted by fashion expert, Mr.Blackwell. He introduces his guests, topless Chippendales dancer Eric de Monet, and wine expert Rajeev Vindaloo:

Mr. Blackwell: Rajeev is one of the top experts in the world today on the subject of wine. And I believe you brought your book with you today, which I believe is called.. what?

Rajeev: It’s called Send It Back.

Mr. Blackwell: Okay, good. Now, is.. is the idea here that we don’t know enough about wine to know whether or not to send it back, or that it’s a good idea to send it back, whether or not the wine is good?

Rajeev: Well, basically, the premise of my book is that the people who run these restaurants, you see, is that they just dress up in a tuxedo for the night, you see. They know nothing more than you, you see, nothing more. And so, if the wine steward, you see, is being rude to you, and you do not like his attitude, you just send him, send it back, you know?

[ Rajeev now plans to sample some various wines for Mr. Blackwell ]

Rajeev: The first one is a Midvale Abbey Melois, ’82..

Mr. Blackwell: Okay. Now, when wine people sniff the glass before they taste the wine, many people wonder why this is.

Rajeev: Well, you see, Mr. Blackwell, they’re not sniffing the glass, you see. They’re sniffing the bouquet of the wine, you see? A wine lover’s way of describing the bouquet is the odor emitted from the wine, you see.

Mr. Blackwell: Good. Now, how would you describe this wine right here?

Rajeev: Well, you see, this is a wine I would not even drink. And there’s a tip-off, you see: it has no cork. It has a screw-off cap, you see. And my suggestion is, you know, if you do buy this, is if you have a sink at home that has hair in it.. [ Mr. Blackwell starts to laugh ] ..you know, you pour it in, and maybe it will unclog it, or something like that..

Mr. Blackwell: Okay! I think you’re being a little rough on the wine, ha ha ha ha!!

Rajeev: Okay, our second wine, is this one, you see. And, again, you know, we’re in trouble, you see, because the label here has dogs on it playing poker.

Mr. Blackwell: Okay, but in fairness, so many wine labels these days do have pictures. What would be a good picture? Let’s deal with a positive. What would be a good picture? Grapes? A picture of grapes?

Rajeev: No, no. Grapes, you see, is self-explanatory. That’s like saying, you know.. uh, seeing a picture of a banana on a banana. I know what this is, don’t show me this, you know?

Mr. Blackwell: Okay..

Rajeev: We have one left. And we’re on a good start, you see,because it has a cork, and it has a very attractive label, and so what we do now is let the wine breathe a little bit, you see?

Mr. Blackwell: Okay. Now. Interesting. Does wine actually breathe? Because I know that silk breathes. Cotton breathes. Certain very fine polyblends will breathe slightly..

Rajeev: Yes, yes, it does.. [ Rajeev sniffs the wine ] This is a mischievious wine. If this wine were a child, I would slap it on the hand and I would send it to bed. You know what I would say? I would say, “You mean wine. You go away from me!” That’s what I would say.

Mr. Blackwell: Rajeev.. [ he laughs ] ..you are a stern taskmaster – I can speak from personal experience. Okay, the name of the book is Send It Back, and it’s in bookstores, wine stores, where would we find this? Would this be in fine stores..?

Rajeev: Fine stores everywhere, yes. And, if you have any questions in your mind, just Send It Back.

Mr. Blackwell: Send It Back. Okay, that’s good advice.Although, if I were a woman, I must be fair. I think that might be the kind of wine I’d like to drink, I don’t know. Have you met Eric de Monet over here?

Rajeev: No. But I have been admiring.. his bow tie.

Mr. Blackwell: [ laughing ] It is interesting. We have just seen him sitting over here, looking like a little statue, and we must find out what he is about, the whole Chippendale’s line of fragrances.. for men.. Eric, we are out of time. I wish we had two hours, or three cameras, or something. But you must come back..

Eric: I’d love to!

Mr. Blackwell: Okay, and we will find out whether this is all you..

Eric: No.. I’m wearing a bodystocking.

Mr. Blackwell: Okay, wonderful. [ laughs ] Until then, “Strictly From Blackwell”, we must vanish. Thank you, bye bye.

SNL Transcripts

Beatles Memoribilia Auction

Auctioneer…..Martin Short
First Bidder…..Julia Louis-Dreyfus
Ann…..Mary Gross
Second Bidder…..Gary Kroeger
Third Bidder…..Pamela Stephenson
…..Ringo Starr

Auctioneer: Do I hear forty-five thousand dollars? I hear forty-five thousand dollars. Do I hear fifty? Fifty thousand for the guitiar pick used by John Lennon while recording “8 Days a Week.” No? Forty-five thousand once, forty-five twice, sold–to the gentleman in the second row for forty-five thousand dollars. (Applause from bidders) Now, if you will turn to page 21 in your catalogues, we have Lot 35, a particularly fine piece: a toothbrush used by Paul McCartney during the Rubber Soul recording sessions. It’s a blue, medium-bristle Oral B 40 with one of those little pointy rubber things at the other end. Yes, madame?

First Bidder: DId Paul actually use the little pointy rubber thing?

Auctioneer: It is our understanding that he did. I will open the bidding at sixty thousand dollars. Do I hear sixty? (A hand is raised) Do I hear seventy thousand dollars? (Another hand is raised.) Do I hear eighty thousand dollars? (Another hand is raised.) Do I hear ninety thousand dollars?

First Bidder: A hundred and ten thousand dollars.

Auctioneer: $110,000 once, $110,000 twice, sold–to the woman in the third row.

(Applause from other bidders)

Auctioneer: Now, ladies and gentlemen, if you will turn to page 22 in your catalogues, we have Lot 36, Ringo Starr.

(Ringo Starr enters, dressed in his classic Beatles “Ed Sullivan Show” outfit of black slacks, grey collarless jacket over a white dress shirt. Ann leads him around the room to display him.)

Auctioneer: He was for nine years the drummer with the Beatles and performed with them on all thier albums and tours. As you can see, he’s in very good condition. I will open the bidding at $75,000. Do I hear 75? Do I hear $75,000 for this drummer with the Beatles? Do I hear $65,000 for RIngo Starr? A member of the Beatles…talented musician…owner of a large ring collection. (Calls on the second bidder, who has raised his hand.) Yes, sir, $65,000?

Second Bidder: No, no–I was wondering about the jacket he’s wearing.

Auctioneer: Yes

Second Bidder: Was it by any chance ever worn by Paul?

Auctioneer: I’m sorry, no,sir. Do I hear $15,000 for Ringo Starr? $15,000? Good Lord, this man is a human being! Yes, madam?

Third Bidder: Hmmmmm…..well, does he do anything?

Auctioneer: Ah, Ann knows more about that than I would. Ann, what does he do?

Ann: Well, he, uh, plays the drums. And he has a very interesting ring collection.

Third Bidder: Can he talk?

Ann: Yes, I think so. (She hands him a file card.) Here, Ringo, would you read this?

Ringo: “Live, form New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

Thanks to Shawn for this transcript!

SNL Transcripts

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:
December 8th, 1984

Ringo Starr

Herbie Hancock

Barbara Bach

Herbie Hancock, “Rockit”

Beatles Memorabilia Auction

Ringo Starr’s Monologue

Ed Grimley

Recurring Characters: Ed Grimley.

“Do What We Say, & Nobody Gets Hurt”

(Repeat) See: 02/26/83.

Willie & Frankie

Recurring Characters: Willie & Frankie.

Beatles Memorabilia Auction: The Day After

Strictly From Blackwell

Recurring Characters: Mr. Blackwell, Rajeev Vindaloo.

Massacre on 34th Street

WWII Reverse Psychology

Herbie Hancock performs “Junku”

Fernando’s Hideaway

Recurring Characters: Fernando.

Mentally Ill Job Interview

Herbie Hancock performs “Rockit”

SNL Transcripts

The Adopted Son of the President of the United States

Michael Reagan…..Jim Belushi

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, the Adopted Son of the President of the United States.

Michael Reagan: My fellow Americans, I am speaking to you tonight, not as the adopted son of the President of the United States, but as Michael Reagan, private citizen.

Recently, certain family members and high government officials have blatantly used their authority by making statements about.. oh.. uh, certain private citizens of this great country of ours.

As the adopted son of the President of the United States, let me assure you that I would never, ever use my family name to embarrass other family members. Or to write letters to military bases to try and get aerospace contracts. Well, alright.. I might use it to try to get contracts.. but I would never use it to embarrass family members. Not like a certain stepmother of mine who did! Of course.. a stepmother’s not really a family member.. I mean, not an actual blood relative. Of course, now, uh, neither am I – I’m adopted. So, I guess I could use my name to embarrass other family members, couldn’t I? Well, good! Alright!

So, let me start right off by saying – you know Ron Reagan, the family dancer?

[ phone rings ]

Oh, he’s married, alright! Sure, like Charles Naughton was married! [ answers phone ] Hello. Oh, uh.. hi, Dad.. Uh, what? Oh, no, no, oh, uh.. nothing, nothing, no.. I was just gonna say, uh.. I was just gonna say, uh.. “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!“

SNL Transcripts

Saturday Night News with Christopher Guest

…..Christopher Guest
…..Rich Hall
…..Gary Kroeger
Nathan Thurm…..Martin Short

Announcer: And now, “Saturday Night News”, with anchorperson Christopher Guest.

Christopher Guest: Thank you, Don Pardo.

Our top story tonight: John Gavin says that the President is not “gaga”. He said President Reagan is sometimes portrayed by the media as gaga, but is actually mentally alert and capable of dealing with complex issues. “You read in the press that he is gaga, but he’s demonstrated a keen grasp of arcane and complicated issues.” Gaga? We looked it up. “Gaga”, in the dictionary: gaga, from the French “gaga”. Fool. Doddard. Mentally foolish. Crazy. Doting. Used in an Aldous Huxley quote: “Slowly becoming gaga, becoming a senile imbecile.” It’s only right that John Gavin should defend the president against these accusations. John Gavin, by the way, is the movie actor who appeared in “Four Girls In Town” and “Tammy, Tell Me True,” and is now the United States Ambassador to the Republic of Mexico, having been appointed by fellow actor Ronald Reagan, who appeared in “Cowboy In Brooklyn” and “Brother Rat & The Baby”.

Christopher Guest: Here with some home economy tips, is our Consumer Affairs expert Rich Hall.

Rich Hall: Thank you, Chris. You know, far too often we hear the phrase, “There’s no such thing as a free sample.” Now, as far as I’m concerned, this is negative thinking. I’ve spent a god deal of time recently, combing supermarkets and shopping malls and places like that for.. free stuff. Stuff that doesn’t cost absolutely one penny. Things that you cna use for home improving, decorating, entertaining guests..

For instance, next time you visit the supermarket, pick up a roll of these visible hand puppets. [ holds up a produce bag ] It’s fun and entertaining for the kids, and the youngsters get a valuable look at the physiological and skeletal makeup of a hand puppet.

Anybody’s that ever painted their house, they know how expensive it is. So, next time you visit the hardware store, just grab about 8 or 9,000 of these. [ holds up a handful of paint sample strips ] And staple them to the side of your house. I figure eight or nine trips to the hardware store, you could have enough to cover the entire three-bedroom house.

Now, if you’re driving home, you may want to stop by the drive-in bank, and make a handy addition to your home dinner glass collection. [ holds up the deposit tube, banging it on the desk ] Sturdy, but durable.

And, if you visit a shoe store, did you know that these things are free? [ holds up the foot measurer ] It’s true. It makes a great cookie serving device there for parties, for snacks, you know exactly how many have been eaten.. you can figure out square roots on this thing, somehow.. and, if you have roaches at home, this makes a great football field for them!

So, just a few items to keep in mind when you’re looking for free stuff that exists in the universe. Just trying to help, I’m Rich Hall. [ hands Christopher the foot measurer ]

Christopher Guest: [ plays with the foot measurer for a moment, then remembers the camera ] Thank you, Rich.

These are this week’s headlines from Washington: Sen. Bob Dole was elected Senate Majority Leader; TV newsman Bernard Kalb is the new spokesman for the United States State Department; President and Mrs. Reagan have broken the record for the most helicopter trips to Camp David in one administration – 185 trips. The least number of trips was zero, made during the administration of Thomas Jefferson.

Christopher Guest: After the automobile, the next biggest killer of teenagers is suicide. Here, with a commwnt, is SNL News correspondent Gary Kroeger.

Gary Kroeger: Thank you, Chris. I’d like to address myself directly to the teenage audience that I know is out there. Listen to me: I was a teenager myself, once.. in fact, it was just a couple years ago. And I know how difficult it is to cope with the pressures of growing up. I mean, I was 20 before I landed my first part on a network television program. But I made it through that despairing tunnel of teendom, and I’ll tell you why – I’ve always kept a list of reasons to live. And I’d like to share them now with any teenager who might be listening, and might be a little discouraged with the big “L”.

Here are my reasons to live:

* This is Reagan’s last term – now, that should be encouraging.
* No substitute for sex will be invented in your lifetime.
* Brighma Young will finally have to play a team better than Bodiddly Tech.
* A friend of mine at Paramount says that in “Rocky IV”, Rocky dies.
* Someday, everything will be legal.
* The world will end soon, anyway.
* You can’t have root canal work more than 32 times.
* Liza Manelli has promised to never do another nude scene.
* Nobody can make you go to a Steve Wynn Hotel.
* And, finally, Ringo Starr is hosting next week’s “Saturday Night Live”.

After that, however, you’re on your own. Thanks! Back to you, Chris.

Christopher Guest: Thanks very much, Gary. you’ve given me.. something.

This week saw the second implantation of a Jarvik articificial heart, and the FDA approval of the Cochlear artificial ear. These are but two of the ever-increasing array of artificial limbs and organs that are currently being manufactured in this country and abroad. Not all of them gained FDA approval. Tonight, we go by satellite to Morgantown, West Virginia, to speak with Nathan Thurm, a lawyer representing the Trammel Barber & Beauty Supply Company. They’ve become a leading manufacture of spare human parts, but without the approval of the FDA.

Welcome to NSL.. or, SNL News, Mr. Thurm. Take your pick. Apparently, the Federal Drug Administration does not cotton to a barber & beauty supply House getting involved in sophisticated medical devices.

Nathan Thurm: [ defensively smokes on a cigarette with a long ash ] Is that what they say, or is that what you say? If that’s what they say, I have no comment. If that’s what you say, then I have no comment.

Christopher Guest: Then, you have no comment?

Nathan Thurm: I didn’t say that! You said that! Did I say that? I didn’t say that! I think that’s so funny that you think I said that! I didn’t say that!

Christopher Guest: Isn’t it true, that up until fairly recently, the only thing that Trammel manufactured were barber supplies?

Nathan Thurm: I know that! Trammel does manufacture barber supplies! I never said they didn’t!

Christopher Guest: But, sir.. is it not quite a leap from hairdryers, say, to artificial livers?

Nathan Thurm: I know that! Have you ever seen the inside of a liver?

Christopher Guest: No.

Nathan Thurm: Or the inside of a hairdryer?

Christopher Guest: Well, surely there’s a vast difference between the insides of organs and hairdryers.

Nathan Thurm: Why do you think I wouldn’t know that! I know that!

Christopher Guest: The point is, sir, that the Trammel Barber & Beauty Supply Company is neither capable nor qualified to produce sophisticated medical devices.

Nathan Thurm: Tell that to a person who desperately needs one of our products!

Christopher Guest: But there is an FDA investigation..

Nathan Thurm: The FDA should investigate you! Or SNL News! I don’t think you’re qualified to spread the lies that you put forth every week!

Christopher Guest: Well, that’s not the point..

Nathan Thurm: Well, then, what is the point? I don’t see the point of any of this!

Christopher Guest: Well, the point is that.. the point is that your client, who heretofore only made rat-tail combs, lather dispensers and curling irons, has jumped willy-nilly into the manufacture of substandard artificial organs!

Nathan Thurm: I didn’t say that! You said that! Substandard to what? Who sets the standard?

Christopher Guest: The FDA.

Nathan Thurm: What od they know about hot combs?

Christopher Guest: Well, I can see that we’re getting nowhere. Thank you being here with us tonight, Mr. Thurm, and good luck with the grand jury.

Nathan Thurm: Grand jury? What grand jury..?

Christopher Guest: Sorry, Mr. Thurm, our time is up. Thank you very much.

That’s the news for now. Good night.

SNL Transcripts

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:
December 1st, 1984

Ed Begley, Jr.

Billy Squier

None

Billy Squier, “Rock Me Tonight”

A Message From the Adopted Son of the President of the United States

Ed Begley, Jr.’s Monologue

Kate & Ali

Recurring Characters: Katherine Hepburn, Mohammed Ali.

Strategic Airborne Contraceptive

(Repeat) See: 11/10/84.

Book Beat

Time Traveller

Grim Reaper Trivial Pursuit

Refrigerator Magnets

(Repeat) See: 10/20/84.

Let’s Watch TV

Recurring Characters: Chi Chi, Consuela.

Chayefsky

Saturday Night News with Christopher Guest

Recurring Characters: Nathan Thurm.

Billy Squier performs “Rock Me Tonight”

Meshugana

Eyeball To Eyeball

Billy Squier performs “All Night Long”

Elevator Stool

SNL Transcripts

Wing Tips

Clerk…..Rich Hall
Manager…..Jim Belushi

[ open on Clerk sweeping the floor by the electronic doors of the store ]

Manager: Virgil! I’m going home for lunch! I want this entire floor spotless by the time I get back! I don’t want you to leave until it’s finished. Do you understand me?

Clerk: Yes, sir. [ Manager starts to walk away ] Will there be overtime, Mr. Hurvitz?

Manager: Overtime? Do I look like Mr. Moneybags to you?

Clerk: No, sir.

Manager: DO I?!

Clerk: No, sir.

Manager: [ angry ] I want this floor spotless. [ exits store ]

[ Clerk picks up electronic mat by the door so he can sweep under it. A female customer walks by and crashes into the doors ]

Clerk: I’m really sorry.

[ curious, the Clerk steps on the electronic mat, which sits in front of a snack machine. The door to the snack machine opens, spilling its contents. The clerk’s wheels start spinning, as he cuts the electronic mat into the shape of the soles of his shoes and glues them on. ]

[ Music Over: “The Street Only Knew Your Name” by Van Morrison” ]

[ Clerk practices his new shoes in the frozen food section, where threee freezer doors open ]

[ Clerk exits the store, opening the front electronic doors with his shoes ]

[ Clerk walks past a mailbox, which spills letters and envelopes ]

[ Clerk walks past car, whose doors, trunk and hood all pop open ]

[ Clerk walks past pallbearers carrying a casket. He offers one of the pallbearers a light, as the casket slowly creaks open, startling the pallbearers. ]

[ Clerk enters the hall of his Manager’s apartment building, rings the bell and drops a shoebox containing the electronic shoes at the foot of the door as he quickly disappears ]

[ Manager opens his door to discover the shoebox, grabs it and returns inside ]

[ dissolve to a few minutes later, as the Manager exits his apartment wearing his new shoes. Every time he closes his door, it quickly swings open, until he gets so aggravated he just leaves it open. ]

[ As Manager walks away, his briefcase opens and spills papers to the hallway floor. The Manager scoops up all the papers, but the briefcase refuses to close. Aggravated, the Manager hurls the briefcase into the stairwell as the door opens al by itself. ]

[ Continuing down the hall, the Manager doesn’t think twice about the elevator doors opening before he presses the button, so he walks right into the open shaft ]

Manager: Aaaaaagggggghhhhhhh!!!!

[ camera angle shows the empty elevator shaft, as the doors close behind the fallen body ]

[ fade to black ]

SNL Transcripts