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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 7: Episode 4

81d: Donald Pleasence / Fear

Sugar Breakfast

Dad…..Joe Piscopo
Mom…..Mary Gross
Son…..Tony Rosato
Daughter…..Robin Duke
Mr. Elliott…..Eddie Murphy

[ open on suburban kitchen, where Mom is setting the table ]

[ Dad enters, yawning ]

Dad: Good morning, Sweetheart…

Mom: Good morning, Honey.

[ they kiss, then she hands him a cup of coffee ]

Dad: Oh… thanks. Where’s the sugar?

Mom: On the table.

[ Dad continues to yawn, as he sits at the table and scoops endless spoonfuls of sugar into his coffee cup ]

Mom: [ yawning ] Pour me a cup, too, would you, dear?

Dad: Sure, Honey… [ he pours endless scoops of sugar into her coffee cup ]

Mom: You want some coffee in that?

Dad: Noooo… no, no, no, no…

[ they guzzle down the pure sugar from their coffee cups ]

Dad: Mmm… Oh, honey, that hits the spot.

Mom: Mmm, it sure does! Big day today, sweetheart?

Dad: No, nothing special. Just like I said — I got those couple of meetings, and, other than that, it should be a pretty easy day, you know?

Mom: Oh, that’s nice.

Dad: How about you, though?

Mom: Well, I gotta go to the dentist, and I gotta take the kids to the dermatologist. I’ve got a lot of baking to do today.

Dad: Oh, boy — I don’t know how you do it, honeybun.

Mom: Oh, stop!

Dad: Yeah. Hey, you want another cup?

Mom: Sure! Thanks, hon!

[ he pours the sugar straight into her coffee cup, then pours more sugar for himself ]

Dad: I am NOTHING without my first cup in the morning.

Mom: [ turning hyper ] I’m raring to go myself!

Dad: [ now hyper as well ] Honey, let’s put a new roof on the house!

Mom: No, honey! That can wait until tonight! Now it’s time for breakfast with the kids! It’s the most important meal of the day!

Dad: Oh! Say, where are the kids, anyway?

Mom: Oh! [ she runs toward the living room ] Come on down, kids! Breakfaaaaast!

Dad: Honey, do we have any syrup?

Mom: Sure! [ she opens the fridge ]

[ the kids enter the kitchen ]

Son: Morning, Mom… Morning, Dad…

Dad: Hey, kids!

Son: Hi, Dad…

Daughter: Hi, Dad! hi, Mom!

Dad: Sit down, have some breakfast! It’s the most important meal of the day, you know!

Mom: You’re just in time for breakfast: Nice sugar lumps and maple syrup!

Son: Thank you, Mom…

Mom: Here’s your syrup, Hon!

Dad: Oh! Thank you! You know… I really, really, really enjoy this sugar cubes and maple syrup! [ he pours himself a bowl ] Mmmmm, boy! Definitely my FAVORITE meal! [ he also pours himself a glass of syrup to drink ]

Daughter: Mom? Mom? Do we have any gelatin with us this month?

Mom: Oh, yeah! [ she grabs some from the counter ]

Dad: Yeah, honey, is there any, uh, honey around?

Mom: Oh! Right here! [ she hands it over ]

Daughter: Could you pass the sugar, Dad?

Dad: Right here! I’ve got the sugar right there, sweetheart.

[ Mom brings out a plate stacked high with donuts ]

Mom: Here you are!

Son: Oh, thank you, Mom! [ he grabs a stack ]

Mom: Son, did you get your homework finished last night?

Son: Oh, I was too tired.

Dad: Too tired? That’s no excuse, you were too tired.

[ Daughter starts chuckling in a hyper manner ]

Dad: Hey! Now, you mnid yourself, little girl!

Mom: Hey! She’s only having fun!

Dad: Hey! Let ME handle this, honey!

Mom: Oh! Gee, you’re always tougher on the kids!

Dad: Well, don’t tell me how to raise our kids!

Son: Mom!

Daughter: Dad! Stop!

Dad: Ohhhh, they’re right, honey… I’m sorry.

Mom: No, I’m sorry!

Dad: I love you!

Mom: I love you!

Dad: Kiss?!

Mom: Okay!

[ they kiss wildly and passionately ]

Dad: Oh, hey! [ he reaches into his mouth ] Lost a tooth!

Mom: Get the tooth jar!

Dad: Tooth jar! Yaaayyyy!!

[ the kids fight to be the one to bring the tooth jar down from the fridge ]

Dad: Come on, kids! Come on! [ Daughter brings the tooth jar over ] Into the tooth jar, here we go! [ he drops his tooth into the jar ] Hey, kids! What do you say we help Mom clean up, huh?

[ the kids cheer ]

Mom: That’s great! You do the dishes, and I’ll wax the wall!

[ they all begin to do these chores in a manic, hyper manner ]

Mom: Hey, honey! What time is it?!

Dad: Uhh… [ he checks his watch, disrupting the assembly line ] It’s about 8:45, sweetheart!

Mom: 8:45?! you’re all gonna be late!

Dad: Oh, no!! We’re gonna be late!!

[ Mom frantically tries to get their lunches together, as everyone hops around the room in panic-mode ]

[ Mom then pulls an oversized bag of granulated sugar from the pantry and quickly pours it into the kids’ lunch boxes, as Son scoops a few handfuls in the melee ]

Mom: Danny! you’ll spoil your appetite!

Son: Oh, Mom…

Dad: Don’t yell at him, sweetheart!

Mom: I wasn’t yelling!

Dad: Don’t tell me you weren’t yelling!!

Mom: Don’t tell me what to do!!

Dad: Don’t tell me what NOT to do!!

Mom: Oh, I’m sorry, honey! What are we doing?!

Dad: Oh, we’re arguing again! I’m sorry, honey…

Mom: I’m really sorry…

Dad: Oh, I love you!

Mom: I love you!

Dad: Kiss!

Mom: Kiss!

[ they kiss wildly and passionately ]

Mom: Lost a tooth!

Dad: Oh! let’s put it in the tooth jar!

[ she drops her tooth into the tooth jar, as the doorbell rings ]

Dad: Oh! Someone’s at the door!

[ the family runs wildly around the kitchen as they find a path toward the door ]

Dad: Hey, it’s Mr. Elliott!! Mr. Elliott!! Hi, Mr. Elliott!! How are you?!

Mr. Elliott: [ entering ] Man, will y’all shut the hell up?! I can hear you all the way across the street!

Dad: Oh!

Mr. Elliott: It’s the same thing every morning, man! Can y’all keep it down a little bit?

Dad: Mr. Elliott, come on in! Have some breakfast! The most important meal of the day! Sit right down there for breakfast! It’s no problem at all! [ he pushes Mr. Elliott into a chair at the table ]

Mr. Elliott: I stepped on some glass!

Dad: Ohhhhh, no! Well, what the heck! We’ll take care of that later! Yeah… so… would you like some breakfast?

Mr. Elliott: What y’all having?

Daughter: Twinkies!

Son: Twinkies!

Mom: Twinkies! [ she rushes to the fridge ]

Dad: Yeah — Twinkies!

Mom: I was gonna save them for dinner, but what the heck! Let’s have a party!!

[ Son turns up the radio to a fast-pitched version “Sugar, Sugar”, as he and Daughter begin to dance wildly ]

Mom: You two are crazy! You don’t know how to dance! Here’s how your father and I danced when we were your age — nice and slow!

[ Mom and Dad also dance in a frantic manner, as a horn honks outside ]

Dad: Oh! The school bus is out there!

Son: We gotta go, we gotta go!!

Daughter: We’re late, we’re late!!

[ the entire family runs out of the place, leaving a bewildered Mr. Elliott sitting at their kitchen table alone ]

Mr. Elliott: Crazy white people…

[ the camera zooms in on a sign on the wall: “Home Sweet Home” ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 7: Episode 4

81d: Donald Pleasence / Fear

Sugar Breakfast

…..Brian Doyle Murray
…..Mary Gross
Frank Sinatra…..Joe Piscopo
…..Christine Ebersole
Raheem Abdul Mohammed…..Eddie Murphy

Announcer: And now: “SNL Newsbreak”, with anchorpersons Mary Gross and Brian Doyle-Murray.

[ the animated graphics are zapped, causing the letters in “BREAK” to explode and fall onto Brian Doyle-Murray, who rolls his eyes at this unnecessary gag before tossing the letters off the desk ]

Brian Doyle-Murray: Good evening! I’m Brian Doyle-Murray. My co-anchorperson Mary Gross is on-assignment in the field.

Our top story tonight: In a surprise announcement today, the Saudi government said it does not want the AWACs which were approved for sale by the Senate last Wednesday. Instead, the Saudis said they would rather have a fleet of Chrysler K-cars and a couple of tickets to the next Rolling Stones concert.

Brian Doyle-Murray: Now with more on the AWACs story, here’s correspondent Mary Gross.

[ the camera is delayed in cutting to Mary Gross ]

Mary Gross: [ laughing ] This week, President Reagan won a surprise last-minute victory, as the Senate approved his AWAC plan by a narrow 52-48 vote. How did Reagan manage to swing those crucial votes to his side? We’re here to ask Presidential consultant Frank Sinatra.

[ Sinatra’s dressing room door opens, as a couple of goons exit and look around before signaling for Frank Sinatra to exit ]

Mary Gross: Mr. Sinatra. Mary Gross, “SNL Newsbreak”.

Frank Sinatra: Speak to me, Mary.

Mary Gross: Okay. Can you tell us how the President was able to swing those votes for the AWAC when all those senators were previously against the sale?

Frank Sinatra: I can tell you in one word: MUSCLE! We leaned on them, Mary.

Mary Gross: “Leaned” on them?

Frank Sinatra: That is correct. He let them know that if they did not cooperate, things would not go so good for them — if you catch my drift.

Mary Gross: Oh. [ she laughs nervously ] But is it right to use political pressure in an important issue like this? A lot of senators had their reasons for opposing the sale.

Frank Sinatra: Mary, you cannot use reason in a situation like this. The issue was NOT five airplanes — the issue was: “Are you with the President, or are you not eith the President?” When you are in a situation where some of your underlings are showing disloyalty, you do NOT use reason. You offer what we call… “incentives.”

Mary Gross: Uh, could you be more specific?

Frank Sinatra: [ sternly ] No!

Mary Gross: What if these incentives fail to work?

Frank Sinatra: Well, then you use a little of this: [ he pulls one of his goons forward ] “Persuasion.” Ronnie knows this, and I back him 100%. It’s exactly the way I would have handled it. Capische?

Mary Gross: Capische… I guess. But the fact remains that we’re selling weapons to the Saudis, who opposed our peace plan. Is a political victory for the President more important than that?

[ Sinatra pulls his goon forward again and points him to the camera. The goon leans in and covers his hand over the lens ]

Mary Gross: Thank you… Mr. Ol’ Blue Eyes. Back to you, Brian.

[ return to Brian Doyle-Murray at the news desk ]

Brian Doyle-Murray: Thank you, Mary.

Former and present First Ladies Betty Ford and Nancy Reagan got together this week to compare notes on which president was best in the bedroom. Inexplainably, they agreed it was Richard Nixon. Mr. Nixon could not be reached for comment, which is a highly unusual note in itself.

The cost of mailing a First Class letter rose to twenty cents at Midnight tonight, and the Post Ofice issued a new commenmorative stamp. The new twenty-cent stamp commemorates the old ten-cent stamp.

Well, responding to forecasts of a cold winter ahead, Reagan’s energy chief, James B. Edwards, has issued this suggestion on how to keep warm and save precious oil, gas and coal. He recommends flag burning. Edwards said flags are plentiful, cheap and heat-producing, and adds, “American flags have been used as fuel all over the world, right in front of our own embassies!” Why didn’t we think of it before now?

The American Medical Association met this week to consider lowering health care costs. Members also considered painting their foreheads blue and eating only cardboard for a year.

Brian Doyle Murray: Well, now with all the weather for this Halloween, here “Newsbreak”‘s staff meteoroligist Christine “Field” Ebersole. Christine?

[ Christine appears before the weather map, dressed in a skimpy leopard-print blouse ]

Christine Ebersole: [ nervous ] Hi, Brian.

Brian Doyle-Murray: Hi, Christine. Nice outfit.

Christine Ebersole: [ annoyed ] Oh, don’t start up with me, okay, Brian?! I’m really upset! My apartment got broken into last night, and they took EVERYTHING!

Brian Doyle-Murray: Oh, that’s too bad…

Christine Ebersole: Oh, I hope they bring back the death penalty! I mean, look at me! I look RIDICULOUS!! They took all my clothes and I had absolutely NOTHING to wear, so I had to borrow this outfit from my girl friend Jan, and, you know, she’s real hard to get a hold of because she works all night and everything, you know? [ starting to sob ] And I couldn’t get a hold of her, and it was really difficult, and…

Brian Doyle-Murray: I think you look very nice, Christine.

Christine Ebersole: I don’t think I look nice! I think I look like a HOOKER!! [ she gasps ] Oh… I’m sorry, Jan, I-I-I didn’t mean to tell. [ weeping ] Listen — I gotta go, I can’t do this!

Brian Doyle-Murray: Christine… what about the weather?

Christine Ebersole: What about the weather? Look — you tell them to look out the window and they can see what the weather looks like, okay? I can’t deal with it! [ she runs off ]

Brian Doyle-Murray: That’s the weather. Thank you, Christine. And now… here’s our “Newsbreak” film critic — Raheem Abdul Mohammed! Raheem?

[ no response from the audience ]

Raheem Abdul Mohammed: Thank you, Brian Doyle Murray! [ to the audience ] And thank you for that warm round of applause. You know — [ the audience finally applauds ] I’m Raheem Abdul Mohammed, and as you can pretty well imagine, I spend a HELL of a lot of time in dark rooms watching movies. And it SEEMS like about 90% of the movies that I see these days are horror films, right? Well, my days are filled with a lot of hacking, and chopping, and blood bursting, and knives getting shoved in people’s eyeballs, right? And heads getting sliced off with chainsaws. And I been noticing something at the theater lately — most of the audience that goes to see the movies… is BLACK PEOPLE! Brothers, now! And I asked myself, I said, “Raheem? How come so many brothers go to see the movies? ‘Cause the movies can’t be no more scary than their own neighborhoods?” So I’ll tell you why we go to see the movies. We go to see the movies ’cause it’s FUNNY to see rich, white people get KILLED!

Think about the movies. Who buys haunted houses, right? Rich, white people buy haunted houses. Now, BLACK people can’t even AFFORD no houses! If they could buy a house, they wouldn’t buy one that was HAUNTED, right? So to be perfectly honest, it’s pretty funny to see white people in them houses getting their skulls caved in, or they get crushed or something! [ he laughs out loud ] Colored people NEVER get hurt in them movies, man! Take, like, them college movies, like “Death Train” and “Friday the 13th”. Who getting killed in movies — college movies? Who getting decapitated with meat cleavers, who’s getting dismembered with a tommy hawk, who’s getting their face messed up with a blowtorch? Rich, white people… that have lots of simulated sex! You NEVER see no nigger or Puerto Rican getting hurt in that movie! And that’s why we like it! I’m Raheem Abdul Mohammed.

Brian Doyle-Murray: Out of sight! Thank you, Raheem! You welcome, Brian Doyle Murray!

Brian Doyle-Murray: Well… October 31st was a big day for TV newspersons. It was the birthday of NBC’s Jane Pauley — [ Jane Pauley’s picture appears on the monitor ] Happy Birthday, Jane! And, also, Dan Rather, over at CBS — [ Dan Rather’s picture appears on the monitor ] Happy Birthday, Dan! Dan is 31, and Jane is 50. And, also — [ Brian’s picture appears on the monitor ] You’re kidding! My birthday? Well, yes, it is! [ the audience cheers ] What a — I didn’t know it was my birthday! Nobody told me about it, I didn’t know! [ a birthday cake with a lit candle appears on the monitor ] It’s a total surprise to me! Well, yes, it is. And thank you, and… [ he blows, as the candle fans out on the monitor ] Happy Birthday to me! Thank you! That’s the news. Good night, and Happy Birthday to everybody!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 7: Episode 4

81d: Donald Pleasence / Fear

I’m So Miserable

Wife…..Christine Ebersole
Husband…..Neil Levy

[ open on Husband facedown down at the kitchen table with a knife in his back ]

Wife: [ singing as she cleans up ]
“Last night I killed my husband, we were married seven years
When I tried to hide his body, my eyes filled up with tears.
I hated when he beat me, but since he’s gone I found
I’m so miserable without him, it’s like having him around.

I hated all his habits… and smelly cheap cigars
The way he’d leave alone and hang out in the bars.
He used to be a big mouth, now he don’t make a sound
I’m so miserable without him, it’s like having him around.

I never could live with him, now I can’t live alone
I wish I had a boyfriend to call me on the phone.
Matters sure ain’t easy, if there’s one thing that I’ve found
I’m so miserable without him, it’s like having him around.

Yeah, I’m so miserable without him, it’s like having him around.”

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 7: Episode 4

81d: Donald Pleasence / Fear

Jogger Motel

[ open on Jogger jogging through a path in the park. The path twists and curves under the trees, leading to a tunnel. As the Jogger enters the darkness of the tunnel, his feet stop short. Looking down, the Jogger finds his shoes stuck in the middle of a strange, gooey substance. He tries to pry his shoes loose, but it only affixes him tighter to the gooey substance. As he looks around the tunnel, the Jogger discovers, to his horror, that the interior walls are lined with the skeletal remains of joggers before him. Struggling more furiously than ever to get loose, the Jogger eventually loses his balance and falls backwards into the gooey substance, confined eternally in what he realizes is some sort of bizarre trap. ]

[ camera pans out of the tunnel to a long shot, revealing the words “Jogger Motel” written on the side of the tunnel ]

Announcer: The Jogger Motel. Joggers jog in, but they don’t jog out.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 7: Episode 4

81d: Donald Pleasence / Fear

Goodnights

…..Donald Pleasence

Donald Pleasence: [ eating pumpkin rinds ] Happy Halloween! Oh, wonderful!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 7: Episode 4

81d: Donald Pleasence / Fear

Profiles In British Courage

Colonel Harold Sweeney…..Donald Pleasence
Baktu…..Tony Rosato
Lieutenant Whitten…..Tim Kazurinsky

[ open on Thanes Color Television logo ]

Announcer: Over the course of history, the words “British” and “Courage” have become synonymous. And to salute the bravery of Englishmen, Thanes Television proudly presents… [ dissolve to program card ] “Profiles In British Courage”.

[ dissolve to British Army tent, as Colonel Harold Sweeney enters and sits to study battle plans ]

[ suddenly, Baktu rushes in, dragging one-armed Lieutenant Whitten behind him ]

Baktu: Colonel Sweeney! Colonel Sweeney, sir!

Colonel Harold Sweeney: [ peeved ] What is it? What is it this time, Baktu?!

Baktu: It’s Whitten, sir! Lieutenant Whitten, sir!

Colonel Harold Sweeney: [ more formal ] Ohhh. Lieutenant Whitten, sir! [ he stands, as Whitten salutes with his one intact arm ] Lieutenant Whitten… God fell dead tonight.

Lieutenant Whitten: Fine!

Colonel Harold Sweeney: I wish I could be out there with you… Unfortunately, I have the court duty to report…

Lieutenant Whitten: Yes!

Colonel Harold Sweeney: Uh — Lieutenant… you seem to have lost an arm.

Lieutenant Whitten: [ looking down ] Have I really?

Colonel Harold Sweeney: Yes, uh…

Lieutenant Whitten: Ah, yes!

Colonel Harold Sweeney: I’m going to have a look at that.

Lieutenant Whitten: I suppose so. If it’s not too much of a bother, sir! [ he chuckles dryly ]

Colonel Harold Sweeney: No, it’s no trouble at all. Just hop over here.

[ Lieutenant Whitten hops over ]

Colonel Harold Sweeney: [ laughing ] Ha! Lieutenant, I didn’t mean you to take it literally!

Lieutenant Whitten: I’m sorry, sir. My leg seems to have been blown to bits.

Colonel Harold Sweeney: What? [ he looks down ] Oh, it does, yes. Oh, I am sorry…

Lieutenant Whitten: Sorry!

Colonel Harold Sweeney: No, don’t be sorry. Um — let’s get you on the table here. [ he begins to remove objects from the table ] Baktu.

Baktu: [ alarmed ] What?! [ he begins to salute like crazy ]

Colonel Harold Sweeney: Lend a hand here… get him on the table. There’s blood all over the place… [ they lift Whitten onto the table ] Whoopsie-daisie! [ to Baktu ] Now, go get a blanket.

Lieutenant Whitten: Thank you, sir! Sorry to be messing up your table, sir.

Colonel Harold Sweeney: Oh, forget it. That’s not a problem at all. After all, I can always get another table, whereas you, on the other hand, uh, can hardly get another, uh… another, um…

Lieutenant Whitten: Yeah!

Colonel Harold Sweeney: Uh, may I ask you a direct question?

Lieutenant Whitten: Certainly, sir!

Colonel Harold Sweeney: How would you feel about, um… getting along with just one leg?

Lieutenant Whitten: I suppose if one must!

Colonel Harold Sweeney: [ he chuckles ] I-I’m afraid we have no regular surgeon.

Lieutenant Whitten: Pity!

Colonel Harold Sweeney: I could take a crack at it myself.

Lieutenant Whitten: Oh, sir, would you?

Colonel Harold Sweeney: [ nervous ] I’ve never done this sort of thing before…

Lieutenant Whitten: There’s a first time for everything, sir!

Colonel Harold Sweeney: Alright, um… let me, um, give it to you from the shoulder now… [ he pats Whitten on his missing arm ] Oh! I beg your pardon. Uh… we, uh… we have no antisthetic.

Lieutenant Whitten: Oh, well.

Colonel Harold Sweeney: How about, uh, biting on the ol’ bullet, hey? Hey? [ he places one of Baktu’s bullets in Whitten’s mouth ] Bite on that.

Lieutenant Whitten: Thank you, sir!

Colonel Harold Sweeney: [ he chuckles nervously ] No surgical instruments, either. Uh — Baktu?

Baktu: [ saluting quickly ] Yes, sir!

Colonel Harold Sweeney: Give me a blunt.

[ Baktu hands him a blunt blade ]

Colonel Harold Sweeney: Baktu?

Baktu: Yes, sir?

Colonel Harold Sweeney: I should FLOG you within an INCH OF YOUR LIFE!!

Baktu: [ backing up ] Don’t beat me, sir! Don’t beat me again!

Colonel Harold Sweeney: [ to Whitten ] Listen, ol’ chap — I’m afraid it should take a couple of hours.

Lieutenant Whitten: Well… take your time, sir. Just take your time.

Colonel Harold Sweeney: Right, uh — better late than never, hmm? [ his monocle falls from his eye ]

Lieutenant Whitten: Whoopsie-daisy there!

Colonel Harold Sweeney: Hmm… do you think I, uh… do you mind if I ask your advice?

Lieutenant Whitten: Certainly, sir!

Colonel Harold Sweeney: I’ve never done this before. Do you think I should go straight into the kneecap, or…?

Lieutenant Whitten: SPLENDID!!

Colonel Harold Sweeney: No. Well, let’s have a go, eh? [ he places the blade across the kneecap and begins to saw back and forth ] There we go!

[ blood starts squirting out of Whitten’s knee ]

Lieutenant Whitten: Very good, sir! You’re doing very well!

[ Batku rushes back in ]

Baktu: Colonel Sweeney! Colonel Sweeney! [ he nearly faints at the sight of squirting blood ]

Colonel Harold Sweeney: What is it, Baktu?!

Baktu: It’s a message from General Headquarters, sir!

Colonel Harold Sweeney: Hold it up for me. [ Baktu holds it up, as he reads ] Oh, good gracious… they want me to finish the quarterly report immediately!

Lieutenant Whitten: Ohh…

Colonel Harold Sweeney: Tell them I’ll do it later!

Lieutenant Whitten: Yes, sir!

Colonel Harold Sweeney: I’m right in the middle of something!

[ Baktu rushes out ]

Lieutenant Whitten: Uh, sir?

Colonel Harold Sweeney: Yes?

Lieutenant Whitten: If you don’t mind, I’m SURE that quarterly report is a LOT more important than this silly business! So with your permission, sir… let’s say I hack off my own leg!

Colonel Harold Sweeney: [ he stops sawing ] I say… would you really?

Lieutenant Whitten: Yes, sir!

Colonel Harold Sweeney: That’s certainly sporting of you. It would be as great help, yes. Here, have a go… [ he hands the blunt instrument over ] and I’ll hold the leg.

Lieutenant Whitten: Oh, good! [ he begins to saw his kneecap, as blood continues to squirt ]

Colonel Harold Sweeney: You know…

[ Whitten begins to slash the blunt instrument through his kneecap ]

Lieutenant Whitten: It’s coming along quite well, sir!

Colonel Harold Sweeney: Yes! But I’m afraid I’ll have to write the report in blood.

Lieutenant Whitten: [ he chuckles heartily ] In the red again, eh?

Colonel Harold Sweeney: Ha ha ha! I want to tell you something…

Lieutenant Whitten: Yes, sir?

Colonel Harold Sweeney: …Lieutenant Whitten. Um… you’ve really behaved in a very sporting manner about this.

Lieutenant Whitten: Oh, sir… thank you! [ he slashes his kneecap further ]

Announcer: Within minutes, Whitten died. Colonel Sweeney, however, went on to complete his report on schedule. And, for this, he was decorated and commended for his punctuality.

[ dissolve back to title card ]

Announcer: Colonel Herald Sweeney. Another profile in British courage.

[ dissolve back to Thanes Color Television logo ]

This is Thanes Television, dedicated to upholding the British tradition of courage, honor, grace and dignity. Stay tuned for Benny Hill.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 7: Episode 4


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:



Bit Players:


October 31st, 1981

Donald Pleasence

Fear

Michael Davis

John Belushi

Andy Warhol

Neil Levy
Vomiting For LuckSummary: Eddie Murphy convinces a nervous Donald Pleasance to vomit before the live show for good luck.

Transcript

Montage

Profiles In British CourageSummary:

Transcript

Jogger MotelSummary: Irksome joggers jog into the tunnel, where they become trapped like roaches and can’t get out.

Transcript

Two Faces of JerrySummary: Take your pick as to which persona of Jerry Lewis is more annoying — the childlike moron (Eddie Murphy) or the older, embittered Vegas hanger-on (Joe Piscopo).

Recurring Characters: Jerry Lewis, Jerry Lewis.

I’m So MiserableSummary: Disgruntled but lonely housewife (Christine Ebersole) cleans up the bloodied mess while singing about how she killed her husband (Neil Levy) the night before.

Transcript

Pumpkin CarvingSummary: In a film by Elbert Budin, a pumpkin carved into a jack-o-lantern is symbolic of a human head being mutilated for the same purpose.

Guardian AngelSummary: Guardian Angel (Eddie Murphy) gives tips on how you can survive in Harlem.

Michael DavisSummary: Comic-juggler Michael Davis juggles apples, including one jammed with razors in honor of Halloween.

SNL Newsbreak with Brian Doyle-MurraySummary: Field reporter Mary Gross tries to lure confidential information about President Ronald Reagan’s decision factor on the AWAC plan from advisor Frank Sinatra (Joe Piscopo). Meteorologist Christine Eversole is in no mood to give the night’s weather report after revealing that her apartment was robbed. Film critic Raheem Abdul Mohammed (Eddie Muprhy) loves to watch horror films because he gets to watch stupid white people die. Brian Doyle Murray is surprised to learn that tonight is his birthday.

Recurring Characters: Frank Sinatra, Raheem Abdul Mohammed.

Transcript

Tales From The Hip

Fear performs “I Don’t Care About You”

Annie Intermission

Sugar BreakfastSummary: To help set their day in fast-paced motion, members of a suburban family (Joe Piscopo, Mary Gross, Tony Rosato, Robin Duke) consume nothing but pure sugar and sugar by-products for breakfast.

Transcript

Andy Warhol’s TVSummary: Andy Warhol calls famous friends like Calvin Klein and Rona Barrett to see what they’re doing for Halloween, then his head falls off and he’s ready to go to a costume party.

Home Movie PitchSummary: Mary Gross updates viewers on the flood of home movies submitted since the season premiere, acknowledging that they’ve all sucked so far. She then plays a clip from Walter Smith’s cinematic embarrassment “Wonder Wally”.

The Vic Salukin ShowSummary: Vic Salukin (Tony Rosato) challenges his viewers to scare him over the phone for Halloween.

Recurring Characters: Vic Salukin.

Transcript

Fear performs “Beef Bologna”, “New York’s Alright If You Like Saxophones”, “Let’s Have A War”

Prose & ConsSummary: America’s hottest new writers are coming straight out of prison. Tyrone Green (Eddie Murphy) is but one example.

Recurring Characters: Tyrone Green.

Note: Repeat from 81a.

GoodnightsTranscript

SNL Transcripts

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 7: Episode 3

81c: George Kennedy / Miles Davis

Velvet Jones School of Technology

Velvet Jones…..Eddie Murphy
Woman…..Robin Duke

[Open with Velvet in front of a sign reading ‘Velvet Jones School of Technology’ in large type]

Velvet Jones: Hello! Are you a female high-school dropout between the ages of 16 and 25? Are you tired of doors being slammed in your face when you apply for a job? Are you tired of lying around in bed all day with nothing to do? Well, you never need get up again! Because in 6 short weeks, I can train you to be a high-payin’ ho! That’s right! It’s a known fact that a good ho can make up to $1500 a week! Just think, $1500 a week without even leaving the comforts of your own bedroom! Sound too good to be true? Just send for my new book entitled:

[Brings in the book]

Velvet Jones: ‘I Wanna Be a Ho’! And if, in 6 short weeks, you’re not confident that you can make big money as a ho workin’ for me, just send the book back for a full refund! It’s as simple as that!

[Oval-window opens on screen to the right of Velvet]

Woman in window: Well, you…you get to meet new people, travel, wear nice clothes, make money, and, have LOTS and lots of sex! Heh heh…what more could a woman ask for?

[Window closes; cut to screen displaying:]

“BE A HO”
Box 800
New York, N.Y.
99999

Voiceover: Rush $19.95 to “Be a Ho”, Box 800, New York, New York, 99999.

[Cut back to Velvet]

Velvet Jones: Be somebody! Be a ho!

Submitted by: Andrew Rae

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 7: Episode 3

81c: George Kennedy / Miles Davis

Tuna Melts & Typing

Written by: Marilyn Suzanne Miller

Secretary…..Christine Ebersole
Janitor…..George Kennedy

[ open on office setting, as Secretary types at her desk ]

[ the Janitor enters with a bag lunch and a portable radio playing “Witchcraft” ]

Janitor: Tuna melt?

Secretary: Yeah.

Janitor: I got you an orange — I know you always like an orange.

Secretary: I’m looking for a left parenthesis.

Janitor: Ah… you’ll find it.

Secretary: I’d use right parenthesis, only I have a feeling it’s on the same key as the left parenthesis.

Janitor: You’ll find it. Relax.

Secretary: Oh, I’d use any parenthesis, I don’t care what key it’s in! Plain typing. I’m MUCH better in my own field: Keypunch.

Janitor: You just gotta relax. You’ll find it. Yeah, it’s like waiting for the dial tone sometimes. THat ever happen to you?

Secretary: I EXACTLY know the keyboard in my own field!

Janitor: You know… I like they’re making these tuna melt sandwiches on muffins now. I like them better, they’re crisper. It gives a contrast with the creaminess, the tuna fish part.

Secretary: I can’t fidn the hyphen.

Janitor: It’s hot on the bottom. It’s a good, warm dish. Eleven o’clock at night, you want a nice, warm dish. I’d like some cream and tomato soup — but what do you want, the sky? [ he chuckles ]

Secretary: How do you spell “lend-lease”?

Janitor: Approximate it.

Secretary: “Lend-lease”!

Janitor: Look, you can’t make yourself sick over these things. Take tonight, for example: Somebody spit up on the third floor. Am I gonna make myself sick over it? No! Because I know that life is too short. [ he points to the radio ] Sinatra knows that. Yuo can hear it in his singing, with all the emotions and stuff. He’s the voice. We used to listen to him in the Service. I was in the Service when he was singing. He was The Voice then.

Secretary: Uh-huh.

Janitor: He’s the voice now. Sinatra is The Voice.

Secretary: I like Marilu Henner.

Janitor: Who’s that?

Secretary: She’s the girl on “Taxi”!

Janitor: She ain’t “The Voice”.

Secretary: Well, she’s the only girl in the world of other cabdrivers.

Janitor: But Francis Albert Sinatra — all those emotions and stuff. He’s “The Voice”! That man fills Carnegie Hall, and he’s over 60 years old!

Secretary: Hey — what metal do you think my engagement ring should be — gold or white gold? I’m earning the money after hours, so it’s my decision.

Janitor: I bought my wife’s ring straight out of the Service. The stone was small, but it was serviceable. We got a split-level out on the island. They were all the same house, but we were paying different notes. We got a 10-inch TV, and we watched “Person To Person”… we watched “Omnibus”. I paid — right out of the Service.

Secretary: Yeah, well, I’d like something nice. I had this idea, of how you’d look at it in the sun all your life.

Janitor: [ chuckling ] Well, if you’re gonna be looking at something in the sun all your life…

Secretary: That’s what I say! It should be able to reflect the sun’s rays, and you should be able to enjoy it. Nothing gaudy — something like Marilu Henner would wear.

Janitor: I don’t think that’s too romantic, paying for your own engagement ring. That’s not to pass judgment on your engagement, I mean that’s nobody’s business.

Secretary: Well, it’s NOT romantic, but let’s face facts! If you added up the price of an engagement ring, you could buy yourself half of Fort Maverick!

Janitor: I can see that.

Secretary: Hmm. Yeah, you’re up against that — you can’t make a move now.

Janitor: But, but an engagement ring. You — you start speaking about an engagement, and — and — and there’s emotions and such.

Secretary: It’s no more less emotional if I work for it or not! And I get the ring I want! It goes with my clothes… it goes with my shoes… I walk out on the street, and it matches everything. I mean, I drop change in the bus stp, and even I’m looking at my left hand. I can’t wash with soap in the ladies rom, because the soap gets right in the ring there… I can’t even leave it on the sink! I go out to an expensive evening… I pull out my Visa card… I got a ring, and it’s got a size to it. I look like Cher on Chastity’s birthday. Like Marilu Henner in an exclusive Post photo. I pass myself in store windows, and I look like EXACTLY what I think I should look like.

Janitor: Because you want a big ring, with a big stone. Look at it in the sun, it’s all shiny, and half of Fort Maverick! What happened to emotions and such? This is the possibility for a GREAT time in your life — a small and serviceable ring, and something you can’t give yourself: Romance. You can’t just turn on a radio and get Sinatra all the time! You get Helen O’Connell, you get Patti Paige, even William b. Williams only plays him once every four cuts. This is the BEST time you’re ever gonna have in your life, and you’re sitting they’re worrying how to spell “Lend-lease”!

Secretary: Well, you don’t have to get so offensive. You know, no one can tell you ,i>anything,/i> without it going RIGHT to your head!

Janitor: But, sometimes, you don’t know WHAT you need! Sometimes, maybe you just need a… a… good autumn dish, I don’t know. [ the song changes on the radio ] That’s Helen O’Connell.

Secretary: Working for my engagement ring was my own idea.

Janitor: That’s a nice tune… that’s got emotions and stuff. She sang with Jimmy Dorsey.

Secretary: Yeah, I saw her on “Miss Universe”. She’s the one that tells you how to get your hair done before the commercials.

Janitor: She ain’t the Voice, but… that’s a nice tune.

Secretary: A nice tune.

Janitor: Yeah, she ain’t bad.

Secretary: Yeah.

Janitor: I kinda like her. Life is too short.

[ they finish eating thir tuna fish sandwiches ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 7: Episode 3

81c: George Kennedy / Miles Davis

53 at Studio 54

…..George Kennedy
Doorman…..Tony Rosato

[ open on exterior, Studio 54, as George Keendy tries to worm his way through thecrowd ]

George Kennedy: Excuse me. Excuse me, please. Sorry. Excuse me, please, would’ya? Excuse me, I-I’m sorry. Excuse me, please. Pardon me. Excuse me. [ he reaches the Doorman ] Uh — hey, uh?

Doorman: Yeah?

George Kennedy: Excuse me, but I — I think you’ll find my name on your guest list.

Doorman: Oh, yeah?

George Kennedy: Uh-huh.

Doorman: What’s your name?

George Kennedy: Kennedy.

Doorman: Kennedy?

George Kennedy: Uh-huh!

Doorman: Hold it! You’re a —

George Kennedy: Uh-huh!

Doorman: Oh, yeah! Hold on for just a second, let me just take a look… [ he looks through the list ] Oh, here we go.

George Kennedy: George.

Doorman: Kennedy, George.

George Kennedy: Uh-huh

Doorman: George Kennedy?

George Kennedy: Right!

Doorman: [ not so impressed ] Ah. Oh, okay. Uh, Mr. Kenedy, why don’t you just wait over there, we’ll put your name on the list, alright? [ Kennedy appears confused ] Yeah, just wait over there, you’ll be okay. [ Kennedy steps away ] We’ve got a Senior Citizens dance on Saturday night – you know that, right?

[ disco music starts to play, as Kennedy works a few painful moves ]

George Kennedy: [ singing ]
“All the hip joints knew my face
but now my hip joint’s been replaced.
Once I get down, I can’t get off the floor
It’s no fun to be… 53 at Studio 54.

I tripped the light with Jackie O
I danced all night with Brooke and Bo
Even Andy and Divine now seem a bore.
It’s no fun to be… 53 at Studio 54.

It’s no kick to snort and smoke and joke with artists and their models
when you wheeze and cough and only take your drugs from plastic bottles.

Four weeks on, and I stay awake from dinners of Peruvian flake
Now, even Sanka makes me pace the floor.
It’s no fun to be… 53 at Studio 54.

It’s no fun to be… 53 at Studio 54.

It’s no fun to be… 86’d by Studio 54.”

[ Kennedy dejectedly takes his place at the end of the line ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts