Category:

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 6: Episode 10

80j: Deborah Harry / Funky 4 + 1 More

Newsbreak II

…..Eddie Murphy

[ open on Eddie Murphy seated at news desk ]

Eddie Murphy: Hello, again. I’m Eddie Murphy, and this is “Newsbreak”.

More news on the Poland invasion. The Polish Army has made some progress, and the Russians still seem to be ignoring this threat from the north, apparently waiting for a Polish blunder. How is all this going to affect America, and how is America going to feel about this?

[ cut to unseen action reporter interviewing people on the street ]

Interviewer: We were wondering what you thought of Poland’s invasion of Russia.

Man #1: Who?

Interviewer: Poland’s invasion of Russia this evening.

Man #1: Tell me something I don’t know.

Man #2: When it happened, just now? [ he shrugs his shoulders ]

[ cut to Man #3 ]

Man #3: Hey! What you gonna do about it? I don’t know.

[ cut to Man #4 ]

Man #4: There’s not too many countries, now, that’ll stand up to Russia, and I think that Poland should definitely go for it! It’s gonna be hard and all, but it’ll show a sign throughout the world.

[ cut to Man #5 ]

Man #5: Polish invasion of Russia?

Interviewer: What do you think about that?

Man #5: Um… I thought they were gonna go into France.

[ return to Eddie Murphy at the news desk ]

Eddie Murphy: Some startling information has been uncovered by our “Weekend Update” team. These are the Pole Papers. [ he holds up a file folder ] A secret outline written in 1938 that lays out Poland’s plan for world dominance, which helps explain today’s dramatic events.

[ reveal close-up of paragraph highlighted ]

“September 1, 1939: We allow Germany to invade. PURPOSE: To elicit world sympathy.”

And another page:

[ reveal close-up of paragraph highlighted ]

“February 3, 1962: Allow Bobby Vinton to record, thereby securing world sympathy. Sympathy should be pouring in…” Now, it’s hard to believe.

[ reveal close-up of paragraph highlighted ]

“Secure a spy in the Vatican,” finally, and “Invade Russia.”

[ return to Eddie Murphy at the news desk ]

Eddie Murphy: Well, there you have it: The shocking proof. The Polish invasion of Russia is no playful whim, but a premeditated blueprint for world dominance. And so the spectral Polish world hangs over our heads like a spring-dripping kilbasa. This is unbelievable. THe Russian strategy of waiting and waiting — [ he looks down ] What is this? [ Eddie reads a bulletin handed to him below camera ] Oh, my God, it’s starting to pay off. The Russian strategy of waiting and waiting and wait and waiting has finally paid off. They’ve turned the wrong way, the Polish people. Inexplicably, they are heading toward the Arctic Circle. Uh — “Newsbreak” just acquired some dramatic photos of the beleagured Polish Army heading North. Could we see those photos, please?

[ cut to black-and-white photo of soldiers walking past snow-covered mountains along a path to icy Arctic waters ]

And there they are, obviously lost and very hungry.

[ cut to new black-and-photo, some of the soldiers now waist-deep in the cold Arctic waters ]

Looks like the threat is over, and it’s all over.

[ cut to new black-and-photo, only the soldiers’ helmets appear above the cold Arctic waters ]

Repeat: The Polish invasion of Russia is over.

[ return to Eddie Murphy at the news desk ]

Eddie Murphy: You know, plot or no plot, you’ve got to feel sorry for this plucky little army. They get an “A” for effort. So, once again, the world has gone to the brink of disaster, and kept its balance. This is Eddie Murphy. Sleep well, and God bless.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

| Time Warner Cable |Cable TV Providers |Charter Cable

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 6: Episode 10

80j: Deborah Harry / Funky 4 + 1 More

Newsbreak

…..Eddie Murphy

[ open on Eddie Murphy seated at news desk ]

Eddie Murphy: Good evening. I’m Eddie Murphy, and this is “Newsbreak”.

Jean Harris and her lawyer brought forth conclusive evidence that her former lover, Dr. Tarnauer, was indeed a compulsive womanizer. Pictured here are Mrs. Harris and her lawyer bringing in the doctor’s little black book.

This just in: Within the last hour-and-a-half, there have been no fires in hotels in Las Vegas.

Poland’s new Prime Minister, Wojciech Jaruzelski, whose name is Polish means “The Unpronounceable”, requested that his countrymen remain calm in the face of the massive Soviet build-up. Meanwhile earlier today, a Chicken Delight in Warsaw received a long-distance order from somewhere in Russia for 50,000 chicken dinners. The call requesting no delivery, saying that they would be by later to pick them up.

Eddie Murphy: That’s the news for now. Stay tuned later for a full report from “Weekend Update”. Thank you.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

| Time Warner Cable |Cable TV Providers |Charter Cable

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 6: Episode 10

80j: Deborah Harry / Funky 4 + 1 More

Deborah Harry’s Monologue

…..Deborah Harry
Cupid…..Eddie Murphy

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Deborah Harry!

Deborah Harry: Happy Valentine’s Day! Do you love Valentine’s Day like I do? I mean, don’t you just love it? That’s right — you should! Because this is the day we set aside for just ONE reason: [ wistfully ] love. I have so much love I want to share with you. I want to tell you how much I love my parents. I want you to meet my parents, because I brought them here with me tonight for Valentine’s Day.

[ reveal an older man and woman in the audience wearing Blondie wigs and waving ]

Deborah Harry: Happy Valentine’s Day! Yeah, don’t you just love them! And I love you, too, and I brought a special valentine just for you.

[ suddenly, Cupid prances down the spiral staircase toward Deborah Harry ]

Deborah Harry: Here he is — my special valentine! Don’t you just love him?

Cupid: They love me.

Voice of Audience Member: Hey, Blondie! Hey, Blondie, over here!

Deborah Harry: Alright.

[ Cupid raises his bow and fires a heart arrow into the balcony ]

[ reveal male audience member falling over himself, with the arrow piercing his chest ]

Deborah Harry: We’ll be back in just a minute!

SNL Transcripts

| Time Warner Cable |Cable TV Providers |Charter Cable

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 6: Episode 10

80j: Deborah Harry / Funky 4 + 1 More

The Livelys at Home

Phil Lively…..Charles Rocket
Frances Lively…..Gail Matthius
Voice of Dad…..Don Pardo
Beverly Long…..Ann Risley

[ Game show host Phil Lively enters his suburban home, where everyone talks Game-Show-style ]

Phil Lively: Oh, it’s going to be a great day today! Pretty soon, a nursing home expert will be here, to help us decided whether or not to send Dad off to the Home for the Aged. Honey, I’m back inside.. so whattaya say!

Frances Lively: [ runs into room screaming jubilantly, then breaks into a whimper ]

Phil Lively: Something’s wrong, isn’t it?

Frances Lively: That’s right, Phil. You know: I love your father very much. But taking care of the elderly can be a full-time job..

Voice of Dad: [ yelling from upstairs ] Frances!

Frances Lively: Yeah, Dad?

Voice of Dad: Bring me another TV Dinner! And leave the mashed potatoes frozen this time!

Frances Lively: Okay, Dad.. [ she starts to walk up the stairs, but the doorbell rings ]

Phil Lively: [ changing subject ] Well, I’m afraid that’s all the time we have for Dad’s potatoes. Instead, we’re going to have to answer the door and ask our guest to come on inside.

Frances Lively: [ answers door ] Welcome! [ to Phil ] Phil, I’d like you to meet Beverly Long, from the Pleasant Valley Home for the Aged!

Phil Lively: [ making introductions ] I’m Phil Lively, as you know. And this is my lovely, and talented, wife, Frances. Okay! You’ve never been to our house before, so why don’t you come inside, and tell us a little bit about what you do, and where you work!

Beverly Long: Well, I work at Pleasant Valley, as your wife mentioned. And we take care of old people.

Phil Lively: Well, as you know, Beverly Long, we take care of an old person, right here in our own home! But, we realize we can’t always give Dad the kind of understanding and attention he deserves.

Voice of Dad: Somebody get my fork! I dropped my fork!

Phil Lively: An-n-n-nd we’ll have that fork for you in just a minute, Dad. But first, let us finish talking to our nursing home expert! Frances?

Frances Lively: Thank you, Phil! Back to you, Beverly!

Beverly Long: [ flustered ] Uh.. well.. at Pleasant Valley, taking care of invalids is our..

Phil Lively: You know: it’s so hard to think of Dad as an invalid! Why, he got his first job in radio at the age of 12. And.. without the benefit of an education, became the most respected booth operator in the business! And.. went on to host game shows fifteen years past the age of retirement!

Beverly Long: Well, try to think of your father’s stay at Pleasant Valley as a reward for all his hard work..

Voice of Dad: Frances, I’m thirsty! Where’s my milk?! I like milk with my meals!

Beverly Long: But, you see, old people enjoy being with other old people. It’s not that expensive.. and it would take care of the burdon on you, and we can provide a nice home for your father.

Frances Lively: But he already has a home.

Phil Lively: Yes, it’s a beautiful 4-bedroom split-level Mediterranean villa, complete with hardwood floors and a brick facade. Yes, it’s beautifully appointed with contemporary art, spacious bay windows, and durable carpeting! Everything anyone could possibly need, young or old! But! If you can give us one good reason, Beverly Long, why we shouldn’t keep Dad here with us, we’ll be happy to turn him over to you!

[ Frances hums the “Jeopardy” theme as Beverly struggles for an answer ]

Beverly Long: Well.. uh.. I don’t know, I..

[ Frances sounds the Time Over buzzer ]

Phil Lively: Oh-h-h-h!! I’m terribly sorry! But! Had you been able to come up with an answer, we would have been happy to sign all the necessary papers today! [ pushing Beverly out ] But, instead, we’re going to have to say goodbye to you, Beverly Long, and ask you not to come back and ever try again, okay? Bye bye!

[ Phil and Frances see their guest off as they absorb the joy of being a Game Show family ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 6: Episode 10

80j: Deborah Harry / Funky 4 + 1 More

Soho Lesbians

Liz…..Gail Matthius
Susan…..Deborah Harry
Pinky Waxman…..Denny Dillon
Leo Waxman…..Gilbert Gottfried

[ open on interior, Soho apartment – Susan lying on a leather couch inliving room, as Liz enters from kitchen ]

Liz: Boy, that was someparty last night..

Susan: Yeah..

Liz: What time did we get home?

Susan: I don’t know.. I guess around 1:30. But we didn’t get to sleepuntil after 3. [ pause ] I love you.

Liz: I love you, too. Hey, did you see Karen with Marcie last night?

Susan: Yeah! They were getting it on!

Liz: I never thought she would be Karen’s type.

[ the doorbell rings ]

Susan: Who’s that?

Liz: I don’t know, but why don’t you get it. I’m gonna put someclothes on.

[ Liz exits to bedroom, as Susan gets up to answer the door ]

Pinky Waxman: Susan! Darling!

Leo Waxman: How do you do?

Susan: Aunt Pinky! Uncle Leo! [ shows them in ] What bringsyou to Soho?

Pinky Waxman: Well, the Sunday Times said “If you want to be hip – Soho!”
Leo Waxman: We decided to be beatniks!

Pinky Waxman: It’s like a carnival down here. Who knew?

Susan: Well, sit down, please.

Pinky Waxman: I hope we didn’t get you too much by surprise! You probably have a man hiding in the other room!

[ Liz walks out out of the other room, freshly dressed ]

Liz: Hi!

Susan: Oh, uh.. Aunt Pinky, Uncle Leo – this is Liz.

Leo Waxman: [ shakes Liz’s hand ] Hello, my name is Leo.

Liz: Hi, nice to meet you.

Pinky Waxman: I’m Pinky Waxman, nice to meet you. This is my husband Leo.

Leo Waxman: We’ve met.

Pinky Waxman: Oh. We were just telling Susan, boy this Soho is some place! We were standing right by the place where Jill Clayburgh threw up in.. what was the name of that movie?

Leo Waxman: “An Unmarried Woman”! It was so exciting!

Liz: Well, sit down.

Leo Waxman: Why, certainly.. [ Leo and Pinky sit on the hard couch ] We’re sitting on a table! This Soho is some place! [ Pinky laughs ]

Susan: Here, have something to eat. [ pulls a food tray off of the table behind the couch ]

Leo Waxman: What, raisins and nuts? What are you feeding, a hamster? [ Pinky laughs ]

Pinky Waxman: Susan’s always been fond of exotic foods. We used to call her “Miss Beansprout”! [ Leo laughs ] So, Liz, do you live around here?

Liz: Yeah, I live here.

Pinky Waxman: Oh, in the same building?

Liz: In the same room.

Leo Waxman: Roommates! Oh, my goodness!

Pinky Waxman: Oh, what with the rent these days!

Susan: [ stuttering ] Uh.. Aunt Pinky.. Uncle Leo.. there’s something I.. you sohuld know.. Liz and I.. well..

Pinky Waxman: [ interrupting ] Oh! Susan, you wouldn’t recognize your cousin Jewel! You know, she’s had a nose job since you saw her last?

Susan: Another one?

Pinky Waxman: [ nodding ] Oh, yeah. Her nose is so small now, you can hardly see it!

Leo Waxman: Pretty soon she won’t have a nose, and then she’ll be happy!

Pinky Waxman: [ laughing ] Just a couple of holes for the smoke to come through!

Liz: How about if I open some wine?

Pinky Waxman: Oh, yes, that would be nice. Leo. [ nudges him up to help ]

Leo Waxman: Oh, uh.. let me help you. [ gets up and walks with Liz to the kitchen ]

Pinky Waxman: Leo, put a little spritzer in mine – not too strong.

Leo Waxman: Sure..

Pinky Waxman: [ eager to be alone with Susan ] So, uh.. you see,Susan? It’s nice to have a man around the house.

Susan: Oh, I’m sure it is. Aunt Pinky, do you like Liz?

Pinky Waxman: Oh, sure. She’s very nice. But, uh.. Susan, tellme, do you go out mcuh?

Susan: Oh, sure! Liz and I go lots of places.

Pinky Waxman: No, no.. I mean, you know, are you seeing osmespecial guy?

Susan: No.

Pinky Waxman: Oh. Well, uh.. truthfully, Susan, that’s kind of why Leo and I stopped by. Your cousin Sidney has a friend who’s a lawyer – very handsome boy, comes from a lot of money.

Susan: Oh, that’s very sweet of you..

Pinky Waxman: And we were thinking of having him over for dinnerSaturday night. Maybe you could join us?

Susan: Oh, sure! Could I bring Liz?

Pinky Waxman: [ not catching on ] Oh.. well, sure.. we could get a boyfriend for Liz, too..

Susan: Oh.. well.. uh.. Aunt Pinky.. Liz and I, we don’t need any boyfriends. We have each other.

[ Pinky doesn’t know what to say, as Leo and Liz return to the room laughing ]

Leo Waxman: Well, as they say in Soho – “Here comes the Vino!”

Liz: Everyone take a glass!

Leo Waxman: Boy! What a lucky guy I am, I’m surrounded by threebeautiful girls!

Liz: Well, how about a toast?

Pinky Waxman: To Susan and Liz.

Leo Waxman: Well.. as Maurice Chevalier said, “Thank heaven forlittle girls, they grow up in the most delightful way!”

[ the four of them toast their glasses, as the camera pans off the set and into the audience to fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 6: Episode 10

80j: Deborah Harry / Funky 4 + 1 More

Jersey Guy Paulie Herman

Paulie Herman…..Joe Piscopo
Phyllis Carroll…..Deborah Harry
Photographer…..Matthew Laurance

[ open on interior, Valentine’s boutique – Jersey Guy Paulie Herman enters ]

Paulie Herman: Wow! Look at all the cards here! They got cards for everything! Birthday.. graduation.. ah, here’s a nice one.. [ grabs card ] ..let’s see what it says here.. [ reads ] “Had I known, I would have called.. but I just found out, you’re going bald.” [ laughs his maniacal Jersey laugh ] What’s this one say here, uh.. [ reads ] “The earth, the wind, the sun, the moon. Together, we are us.” Brilliant. [ approaches woman ] Um.. excuse me, Miss? Could you help me?

Phyllis Carroll: Oh, sure!

Paulie Herman: Hey.. can I ask you something? Where you from?

Phyllis Carroll: I’m from Jersey! [ she laughs the same maniacal Jersey laugh as Paulie always does ] Are you from Jersey?

Paulie Herman: [ surprised ] Wooooww! Yeah! Yeah! I’m from Jersey! [ laughs ] And you’re from Jersey! [ laughs ] I’m from Jersey! [ laughs ] Paulie Herman!

Phyllis Carroll: Phyllis Carroll.

Paulie Herman: Hello, Phyllis, great to meet you! do you work here?

Phyllis Carroll: Oh, no.. I work in a chemical plant.

Paulie Herman: No kidding?!

Phyllis Carroll: Yeah!

Paulie Herman: Which one?

Phyllis Carroll: United Chemical, Matahorn Plant.

Paulie Herman: Oh, I can’t believe it! I work at United in Briskataway! Hey, did you have that big radiation scare at the plant cafeteria last month?

Phyllis Carroll: Yeah!

Paulie Herman: We did, too! The baloney glowed for a week! [ laughs ] Yeah, but I ate it anyway! [ laughs ] I imagine a pretty girl like yourself gets a lot of Valentine’s Day cards, huh?

Phyllis Carroll: Oh, you’d be surprised. Aren’t you sending a lot of cards?

Paulie Herman: Oh, maybe just one or two.. Hey! Phyllis, maybe you can help me pick out one, huh?

Phyllis Carroll: Oh, I’d love to!

Paulie Herman: Oh, boy!

Phyllis Carroll: [ grabs card ] Oh, here’s a nice one.

Paulie Herman: [ reads ] “I love you! I want you! I need you!”

Phyllis Carroll: Who’s it for?

Paulie Herman: My Uncle Bennie. [ shakes head ] Nah.. I don’t think so..

Phyllis Carroll: Oh, I got an idea!

Paulie Herman: What?

Phyllis Carroll: You can have your picture taken over there for five dollars, and you can send that to your Uncle Bennie!

Paulie Herman: Oh, great idea! [ suave ] Would you so honor this fellow Jerseyite, and appear in this photograph with me?

Phyllis Carroll: Oh, it would be my pleasure!

Paulie Herman: Right this way, madam! [ walks over to the photorapher ] Hi! We’d like our picture taken, please!

Photographer: Sure, sure. Sit down.

Paulie Herman: [ sits ] Thank you very much!

Photographer: You’re welcome. [ preps his camera ] Okay. Husband and wife, right?

Paulie & Phyllis: [ laughing ] No!

Photographer: Brother and sister, right?

Paulie & Phyllis: [ laughing ] Naw!

Photographer: Well.. then what are you?

Paulie & Phyllis: We’re from Jersey!! [ laugh ]

[ fade to black ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 6: Episode 10

80j: Deborah Harry / Funky 4 + 1 More

Goodnights

…..Deborah Harry

Deborah Harry: Well, uh… Happy Valentine’s Day!

Eddie Murphy: Happy Valentine’s Day, yayyyyy!!

Don Pardo V/O: Join us NEXT week on “Saturday Night Live”, when our host will be Charlene Tilton from “Dallas”, with special musical guest Todd Rundgren. This is Don Pardo wishing you a happy Valentine’s Day, and reminding you there are only eight days to MY birthday! Remember: Send those cards and presents to ME, care of this network. Please: No more toasters!

SNL Transcripts

| Time Warner Cable |Cable TV Providers |Charter Cable

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 6: Episode 10

80j: Deborah Harry / Funky 4 + 1 More

“Don’t Look In The Refrigerator!”

Housewife…..Deborah Harry

[ camera enters front door to slow zoom to refrigerator ]

Announcer: You’re back from vacation. A month in the sun was fun.But now, you’re hungry. You’re thinking of having just a little somethingbefore bed – something light. [ refrigerator door opens to a pile ofdisgusting leftovers ] Maybe some cottage cheese!

[ quick zoom upward to Housewife screaming ]

Announcer: “Don’t Look In The Refrigerator!” The terrifying journeyinto the world of leftovers! “Don’t Look In The Refrigerator!” Coming toa theater near you.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 6: Episode 10

80j: Deborah Harry / Funky 4 + 1 More

Where’s Cooter?

Sister…..Ann Risley
Father…..Charles Rocket
Mama…..Denny Dillon
Cooter…..Gilbert Gottfried
Raylene…..Gail Matthius
Agent…..Matthew Laurance
Audience Members…..Andy Murphy, Yvonne Hudson

[ open on Sister seated on a rustic front porch, as Father exits from the screen door sipping from a can of beer ]

Sister: Wherrre’s Cooter?

[ Father sits on the wooden steps next to Mama ]

Father: Where the hell is Cooter, anyhow?

Mama: [ peeling a potato ] Cooter? I ain’t seen him for about an hour!

Father: He’s bin gone an hour?

Mama: Cooter?

Father: Cooter! He bin gone an hour? Well, he shoulda bin back about a half-hour ago!

Mama: Well, then, he’s a half-hour late!

Father: Well, what time did he leave?

Mama: [ thinking ] Well, now… what time is it now?

Father: [ glancing upward ] Well, I reckon by figurin’ from the sun, it oughta be about four o’clock in the afternoon!

Mama: Four already. Shoot! Cooter, he went at THREE!

Father: Then he’s bin gone about an HOUR!

[ Mama nods her head ]

Sister: Wherrrre’s Cooter?

Father: That’s what we bin tryin’ to find OUT!

Mama: He said… he was goin’! [ to Father ] ‘Sides, he’s your son.

Father: Well, SHOOT! You married ‘im! ‘Sides, he’s your brother!

Mama: [ confused ] I thought he was YOUR brother?!

Father: Well, who can keep track any more? Anyway, if he’s bin gone an hour, that’s an awful long time for him to be gone so long!

[ suddenly, Cooter creeps slowly up the path beside the porch ]

Father: Well, here he is now, and none too soon! Where the hell you BIN, boy?!

[ Cooter sips on a tree stump ]

Cooter: Nothin’. I ain’t bin doin’ nothin’.

Mama: Where you bin, Cooter?!

Cooter: Nothin’. I ain’t bin doin’ nothin’.

Sister: Wherrrrre’s Cooter?

Mama: He’s back! He’s back now, Sis!

Father: Yeah, he’s BACK… but he ain’t BIN nowhere, and he ain’t bin doin’ NOTHIN’!

Cooter: Well, STOP accusin’ me, ’cause… I ain’t bin nowhere, and I ain’t bin doin’ nothin’!

Father: Son, that’s what I bin accusin’ you of, is doin’ NOTHIN’! But I know what you SHOULD be doin’! You SHOULD be around back workin’ on that DODGE, instead of hoverin’ around here doin’ NOTHIN’!

Mama: Yeeeah! You should be hoverin’ around that DIESEL!

Father: Ya oughtta be back there workin’ on that DODGE!

Cooter: Yeah, well, I oughtta be around the back, workin’ on that Dodge!

Father: [ shaking his head ] Well, that’s a good i-dea! Cooter, why don’t ya’ just go out on BACK there?!

Cooter: I got a good mind to go back there, and work on that Dodge! I just may do that! I may leave the three of you here, and go around the back and work on that Dodge.

Father: Well, I’ll tell you one thing, Boy: You just better DON’T!

Cooter: Well, I ain’t goin’ to!

Mama: Well, that car’s just sittin’ there, WAITIN’ to be MASHED!

[ suddenly, Raylene runs into the yard, slapping the porch with a flyswatter ]

Raylene: Mama?! Mama?!

Father: Herrre’s Raylene.

Raylene: Mama?! On the road! Dust! A stranger’s comin’! Mama?!

[ Raylene runs up the porch and slap the door with her flyswatter ]

Mama: Ohhh, she’s up to that slappin’ thing again!

[ Raylene crashes at Mama’s side ]

Raylene: I’m tired, Mama! I’m tired of slappin’!

Father: Then, why don’t you just QUIT your damn slappin’, girl?!

[ Raylene bunches her dress around her arm and makes a crying sound emit from it ]

Mama: [ to Father ] Now, see what you done? You made the BABY cry!

Father: Well, I shoulda figured!

Raylene: Mama?! My baby’s cryin’! Mmmmama! [ she continues crying into her arm ]

Mama: Now, that’s alright, little thing, it’s gonna be alright! The baby’s gonna be alright!

Raylene: Mama?! Now they’re BOTH cryin’!

[ Raylene begins crying into both of her arms ]

Mama: Ohhh, now it’s just gonna be alright. The babies are gonna be alright, Raylene!

Sister: Babies… bugs… build me a coffin! [ she leans back in her chair ] Wherrrrre’s Cooter?

Father: Well, he ain’t around back workin’ on that DODGE!! [ he kicks Cooter on the side ]

Cooter: Well… stop accusin’ me. I ain’t doin’ NOTHIN’!

[ suddenly, a literary agent enters the yard ]

Agent: Uh — excuse me, folks! I’ve got some good news for you! I’m from the Tennessee Williams Authority — you’ve just qualified to be a one-act play!

[ the family stares at him dumbfoundedly ]

Agent: THOUSANDS of people all over the WORLD are gonna see you! And the author himself has asked me to invite you for cocktails at breakfast, at his studio in New York! Well? Waht do you say? Huh? Yes or no?

Father: Welllll, uhh… I guess it…

Mama: Well, now, I don’t see no harm…

Agent: Well, that means YES, then! Yes, it is! [ he calls out to a crowd behind him ] Come on in! Come on in, that’s it!

[ an audience wanders into the yard and places down their folding chairs ]

Agent: [ as he passes out playbills ] That’s it! Now — there’ll be no smoking in the first two rows, and, uh, there’ll be a brief intermission, and sangria and coffee will be served after the show! Okay? Please enjoy the show!

[ the agent exits the yard, as the family stares into space before picking up where they left off ]

Mama: Cooter? Cooter! Why don’t you go somewhere and kill an hour?

Father: Ohhh, yes sir, why don’t you just go on around back there and fix up that DODGE! [ he kicks Cooter in the hind quarters ]

Cooter: I might do that. I might go around the back.

Sister: Where’s Cooter?

[ Raylene cries into her shoulder, as the audience applauds this first act ]

[ camera pulls back, with SUPER: “Coming Up: Braille Peep Show” ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

| Time Warner Cable |Cable TV Providers |Charter Cable

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 6: Episode 10

80j: Deborah Harry / Funky 4 + 1 More

Big Brother

Big Brother…..Gilbert Gottfried
Michelle Richards…..Deborah Harry

[ open on close-up of TV screen buzzing, as sunrise imagery appears ]

Female TV V/O: Time to wake up! It’s 8:10 a.m., Monday, September 27th. 1984. Your name is Michelle Richards, Social Security Number 505-140-9709, and now for the morning morale.

[ Michelle stretches and rises out of bed ]

Male TV V/O: I feel good. I feel good contributing to the well-being of our industrial index. Bless Big Brother and our powerful nation.

Female TV V/O: And now for… Big Brother!

[ Big Brother’s image wipes onto the screen ]

Big Brother: Hello, Michelle Richards. You work for North American International.

Michelle Richards: [ enthusiastically ] Yes, Big Brother!

Big Brother: Your position there is Security.

Michelle Richards: Yes, Big Brother!

Big Brother: You are still employed by that corporation.

Michelle Richards: Yes, Big Brother!

Big Brother: Recite the National Motto.

Michelle Richards: [ collecting her thoughts ] “Discipline is POWER! Government control is FREEDOM!”

Big Brother: Are you in sound body and work-ready?

Michelle Richards: Yes, Big Brother!

Big Brother: You may begin the assigned work day.

Michelle Richards: Yes, Big Brother!

Big Brother: Miss Richards?

Michelle Richards: Yes, Big Brother!

Big Brother: May I call you “Michelle”?

Michelle Richards: Yes, Big Brother!

Big Brother: [ meekly ] Um… Michelle? I-I know I’m Big Brother and everything… but… I-I was wondering if you’d like to go out and have dinner with me sometime.

Michelle Richards: [ taken aback ] Oh… I-I-I don’t know what to say. Big Brother asking me to go out for dinner?

Big Brother: I-i-i-if you don’t want to, I understand. But, you know, I… well, I-I like you and everything, and I know every day when I address you at the morning registration that I sound very harsh. And I don’t mean to, because I-I-I’m a nice guy.

Michelle Richards: Uh, this is so strange, I — I — I, uh, I’m just a common worker. Um… I don’t know what to say. Uhhh… you should have told me this before.

Big Brother: Well, I-I-I meant to, but… I don’t know, I… I thought you were gonna turn me down.

Michelle Richards: So what if I turned you down?

Big Brother: Well, you know, then I’d have to address you every day on the screen, and I’d feel like a shlep.

Michelle Richards: Well, I don’t know. I think you’re kind of cute!

Big Brother: You’re just saying that.

Michelle Richards: No, no, really! Uh, but… but… Big Brother, uhhh…

Big Brother: You can call me “Melvin”.

Michelle Richards: Well, Melvin… I-I-I din’t know if I really want to get into a relationship right now. Every guy I’ve been going out with recently, I don’t know if it’s a coincidence or something, but they’ve been taken away by the government to be reprogrammed.

Big Brother: [ nervously ] Yeah… I-I-I know that, Michelle.

Michelle Richards: [ naively ] What do you mean, you know?

Big Brother: Well, Michelle, I… I ordered them reprogrammed.

Michelle Richards: You ordered them reprogrammed? Why?

Big Brother: You know. Every week, I’d see you come home with another guy, and I-I’d be watching the two of you —

Michelle Richards: You were watching?!

Big Brother: Well, it’s all part of the Big Brother set-up. You know, I-I’m all perched up here —

Michelle Richards: You mean, you were watching when I’m here with no clothes on?

Big Brother: Yeah, but it’s not what you think. Y-you see… I like you. And I would love to be with you. And… I don’t know… I-I thought if I could get those other guys out of the way, then… maybe I’d build up enough courage to ask you out.

Michelle Richards: We-e-e-ell… I think that’s just beautiful.

Big Brother: Well, but… I mean… Michelle. Will — is it okay? Will you go out with me?

Michelle Richards: Well, yes — yes, Melvin, I will. Uh… [ Big Brother becomes stone-faced ] Melvin? Melvin! Yes! I said yes, I will.

Big Brother: [ fuming ] I don’t want you now, you’re too easy.

Michelle Richards: [ outraged ] Wha-a-a-a-at??!

Big Brother: You’re TOO easy! You’re going to have to be reprogrammed!

[ agents burst through Michelle’s door and drag her away ]

Michelle Richards: Oh, Melvin! Oh! Oh, Melvin! Give a girl a chance, Melvin…!

[ camera pans upward into audience and stops on man, with SUPER: “Survived St. Valentine’s Day Massacre” ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

| Time Warner Cable |Cable TV Providers |Charter Cable