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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 5: Episode 15

79o: Richard Benjamin & Paula Prentiss / The Grateful Dead

Post-Coital Torture

Ron…..Richard Benjamin
Karen…..Laraine Newman
Room Service…..Garrett Morris

[ open on interior, hotel room, Ron sitting on bed putting his socks after having affair with Karen, who sits casually behind him on the bed ]

Ron: I just want you to know that it was.. really, really great. Thank you. Thank you very much, I really appreciate it.

Karen: Would you stop thanking me? you know, I mean, I had a good time, too.

Ron: Yes, I know that. But I.. realy appreciate it. Thank you again. [ looks at watch ] Oh, God, it’s 6:30!

Karen: Yeah.. time really goes by when you’re having fun. [ wraps arm around Ron ]

Ron: Yeah.. [ notices Karen is wearing his shirt ] Oh, God.. Oh, God, you’re wearing my shirt!

Karen: Yeah, I was cold-

Ron: Okay.. okay, now, don’t panic.. alright.. calmy, let’s take it real calmly now.. alright.. okay, now.. take the shirt off, and please God, don’t get youself on it..

Karen: What are you talking about?

Ron: My wife has an incredible sense of smell.

Karen: You’re crazy.

Ron: No, I am telling you. You know when you go to someone’s house? And their dog can smell your dog on you? Well, you see, that’s Nancy.

Karen: What is she, a bloodhound? [ retreats to bathroom to remove shirt ]

Ron: No. Nancy’s a wonderful.. woman. A wonderful, wonderful woman. A very special, special lady. And I really don’t deserve her.

Karen: [ shirt removed ] Well, here you go, Sport.

Ron: Thank you. [ smells shirt, panics ] Oh, no.. oh, no, I can smell you!

Karen: Do I smell good?

Ron: Oh, yes. Very nice. But I want the shirt to smell like me again. you see, the shirt has to smell like me again. Let’s see, I, uh.. I went to the gym – yes, I went to the gym. And I exercised at the gym – that’s right, I exercised at the gym.. and I met Jim. No, no..

Karen: You’re really quite the swinger, aren’t you, Ron?

[ Ron drops to the floor and begins to do push-ups ]

Ron: No, no.. no, not really, you’d be surprised.. Oh, good.. I’m beginning to sweat.

Karen: Ooh! [ climbs on top of Ron as he does his push-ups ] I used to do this with my father!

Ron: You used to do this with your father?

Karen: Mmm-hmm.

Ron: Karen?

Karen: What?

Ron: It occurs to me that this is working against our purpose here.

Karen: [ climbs off ] Relax, Ronald, you’re beginning to stink.

Ron: [ happy ] Oh, really? Really! Is that really true? you’re not just saying that to be polite, are you?

Karen: No. You really smell.

Ron: Oh, good! Thank you! Thank you very much! I, uh.. I know I should go, but I, uh.. I should talk to you. How are you?

Karen: [ sighs ] I feel great-

Ron: Uh-huh.

Karen: Uh.. I had a great time.

Ron: Oh, thank you! Thank you very, very much.

Karen: You’re a really great lover.

Ron: Thank you! You are, too. I think what we do here is.. fine. [ looking around the room ] Where are my pants? [ Karen points to his pants draped over a chair ] Thank you. Thank you very much. [ begins to put his pants on ]

Karen: Well.. Ron. how was I?

Ron: You.. you were fine. You were just fine. You were terrific.. as always. Thank you. Thank you again. You’re a very, very nice person.

Karen: Thank you.

Ron: I’m a bad person. I’m the problem! I’m the idiot! I shouldn’t have done this, this was a mistake! Why do I keep doing this?! Why do I keep doing this?! Why do I have to have sex?!

Karen: Because you’re human, Ron!

Ron: Why?!

Karen: Because you’re an animal!

Ron: Why am I here?! Why am I here?! Why am I here?! Nancy’s at home, she probably has dinner on the stove waiting for me! What the hell do I do this or?! Why?! Why?! Why?! [ bangs his on the door repeatedly ]

[ someone knocks on the other side of the door; Ron develops a serious look of panic on his face ]

Ron: [ silently screams, and retreats to the bathroom ]

Karen: I’ll get it. [ answers door ]

[ Room Service enters enters with a cart of food ]

Karen: [ develops sly look on her face, decides to play joke on Ron ] Nancy! What are you doing here! [ pauses ] Yes! Ronald is in the bathroom! How the hell did you find us! [ pause ] You smelled us?! Why, that’s amazing! And look at you, you sweet thing, you brought us dinner! I’m sure Ron will be starved! You know, he’s been to the gym, and then.. well.. we had quite a workout here! [ laughs, then faces bathroom door ] Ron? Ron, you can come out now, I was just kidding. Ron. Ron, it’s Room Service! Remember, we ordered? [ turns to Room Service ] Come here, please. Would you say something?

Room Service: Uh.. uh.. it’s okay, Ron, man. Uh, it’s just Room Service, baby. Come on out here and eat something, maybe you’ll feel better. [ to Karen ] Uh.. you know, that’s really not nice, lady. [ to bathroom ] Hey, Ron! You got a pretty lady here, man, uh.. she’s good-looking, but mea-ean!

Karen: [ holds out tip for Room service ] There you go.

Room Service: Thank you very much. [ walks away ] Hey, nice talking to you, Ron! [ exits room ]

Karen: Come on out, Ron!

[ Ron slowly exits the bathroom, looking stiff ]

Karen: Are you alright?

Ron: My arm is numb. I think I’m having a stroke.

Karen: Do you want me to call an ambulance?

Ron: No, no! No! It would be better for all concerned if I died in the cab on the way home.

Karen: Oh, you poor man, you’d better lie down..

Ron: No, no.. I’ve got to go home now.

Karen: Oh, I can’t let you go if you’re having a stroke.

Ron: [ chuckles lightly ] Oh, I’m probably not having a stroke. I think I just don’t feel good.. not good at all.. and I want to go home! you can have my dinner, here.. I guess you paid for it.. [ pulls out money, then holds it back ] No.. no, no.. if I leave money, it’s too much like I’m.. leaving money.. uh.. I gotta go home. Uh.. thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. I’m sorry.

Karen: Well.. goodbye.

[ they kiss ]

Ron: Gotta go.

[ she kisses him harder ]

Ron: Oh-oh.. oh, boy.. oh.. oh, God! Oh, boy.. Alright.. maybe just very quickly..

[ Ron and Karen tumble onto the bed and make out ]

Ron: Yes! You’re so nice.. thank you very much – you’re a wonderful.. thank you..

[ camera pulls out, with SUPER: “Coming up next: Senate Hearing Test” ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:
March 8th, 1980

Richard Benjamin & Paula Prentiss

Grateful Dead

None

ABC News

Frank Reynolds (Harry Shearer) reports on President Carter as White House hostage.

Recurring Characters: Frank Reynolds.

Richard Benjamin & Paula Prentiss’ Monologue

Richard is upset that he was cut from the cold opening.

Little Girls’ Fantasy

Grateful Dead performs “Alabama Getaway”

Paranoid Guilt

Married man (Richard) frets over affair with mistress (Laraine Newman).

Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Bill Murray

Al Franken explains how he avoids having to pay taxes.

Recurring Characters: Big Vic Ricker.

Assertiveness Training

Instructor (Paula) teaches women to be more assertive.

Recurring Characters: Iris de Flaminio, Bobbi Farber, Christy Christina.

Khomeini the Magnificent

Joey Bishop Fans

Neighbors experience doldrums until they realize they all idolize Joey Bishop.

Grateful Dead performs “Saint of Circumstances”

“Mr. Bill Strikes Back”

SNL Transcripts

Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Bill Murray

…..Jane Curtin
…..Bill Murray
Roseanne Roseannadanna…..Gilda Radner

Announcer: And now, “Weekend Update”, with the “Weekend Update” news team. Here are anchorpersons Bill Murray and Jane Curtin.

Jane Curtin: Good evening, I’m Jane Curtin. Here now, the news.

Our top story tonight: It’s official! Gerald Ford will not be a candidate for President this year.Announcing his decision at a press conference today, Mr. Ford said, “I believe that this country is in very grave danger, both at home and abroad, and I have decided that I am simply too stupid and inept to deal with the problems we face.”

Bill Murray: Well, it’s Day 132 of the hostages’ captivity in Iran, and we at “Weekend Update” are getting real sick of having to look at this face. [ show image of the Ayatollah Komeini ] It’s a face that’s so severe, it could stop clocks, make babies cry, and scare dogs off the back of a meat truck. The Ayatollah Komeini, who has recently taken a lot of razzing is down in the dumps, and he’s complaining that the whole hostage thing is making him look bad. President Bonnie Sidar of Iran has suggested to the depressed Ayatollah that he might fell better if he went out and bought himself a new hat. So, a few days ago, Komeini, unannounced to others, slipped out of the country, and headed straight to Paris, where he went on a madcap hat-buying spree.

At first, the Ayatollah drove the salesmen crazy, because he couldn’t decide which hat would say, “Hey, I’m a fun guy, just like you.” He tried on lots of wonderful hats, and lots of fun characters. He went for the Davy Crockett theme.. [ puts Davy Crockett hat on Ayatollah dummy ] ..that did not work. Then, he tried the ol’ jolly St. Nicholas business.. [ puts Santa hat on Ayatollah dummy ] Didn’t work. He went for Popeye.. [ puts Popeye hat on Ayatollah dummy ] The Popeye appraoch didn’t work. Then he thought he’d really get down and funky.. [ puts hat and shades on Ayatollah dummy ] ..he went for the whole Jake & Elwood routine – The Blues Brothers – didn’t work at all. Then he tried a sort of round-and-out neo-Super Fly kind of look.. [ puts pimp hat on Ayatollah dummy ] ..this did not work. Then he tried Bella Abzug, as a last resort.. [ puts flowery hat on Ayatollah dummy ] Even Bella can’t pull this one off. I gotta say: Ayatollah, if you wanna go, if you wanna get loony – I know you, you’re a nut – if you wanna go, you know, go festive. Let loose the party animal within you, okay? Go completely nuts! [ puts lampshade on Ayatollah dummy ] Now, get out of here, you crazy Komeiniac! Get outta here! Jane?

Yes, it’s that time of year again. The annual Newfoundland harp seal slaughter is under way, but this year no one should feel bad about it. A Canadian naturalist and seal export reports that the baby harp is a vicious little animal that despises human beings, lies, cheats, carries a gun and has bad breath. It is also masochistic and loves to be clubbed on the head by Norweigians. 180,000 of the beasts should get it this season, and, we say, good riddance!

Jane Curtin: Walter Cronkite was attacked by a swarm of Malaysian butterflies in his apartment last night. The butterflies beat Walter senseless with their flapping wings, and then made their escape down an air-conditioning duct. Walter was then taken to a nearby hospital.

Bill Murray: Jane? That’s not.. true, now, is it?

Jane Curtin: Yeah! Yeah, it is! It just came over the wire a couple seconds ago. Yeah!

Bill Murray: Jane.. come on, now..

Jane Curtin: Ooookay, Bill.. I just thought that he might get kind of mad, and cal up, and then maybe we could talk to him, and then he might ask to see me, and.. you know?

Bill Murray: You’ll do anything to get into that old geezer’s pants, won’t you?

This just in – black people in the United States have a lower standard of living than whites. More on this as the situation changes.

Jane Curtin: Scientists claim that the increase of radioactivity in the environment can adversely affect cows and the milk they give. Because of this, more pregnant women are choosing to breastfeed their infants. Here to ocmment further on this, is correspondent Roseanne Roseannadanna.

Roseanne Roseannadanna: Thanks a lot, Jane! Thanks a lot! A Mrs. Richard Feder of Fort Lee, New Jersey writes in and says, “Dear Roseanne Roseannadanna: I want to breastfeed my baby, but i’m not sure how you do it? Which breast do I use? How do I get the milk to be the right temperature? Will I have to heat up my breast? Do I have to sterilize my nipple? When I’m done, do I have to put my breast back in the refrigerator? And if I ate a Hershey Bar, will my breast make chocolate milk?”

Mrs. Feder, I didn’t think it was possible, but you’re just as stupid as your husband! But I know exactly what you’re thinking, ’cause I, Roseanne Roseannadanna, was a breastfed baby. Imagine, if you will, a teeny, tiny, infant Roseanne Roseannadanna, cute as a little doll, being held close to her mama’s bosum, sucking away like there’s no tomorrow! It’s natural, and I love stuff that’s natural! Natural foods, natural childbirth, natural history, natural resources, natural gas. And, most of all, natural beauty.

I hate it when people try all these tricks to make themselves look like real hot chic. With grain, a lot of eye make-up, or those ladies who corn-roll their hair like a lot of little braids, and hang Lifesavers and lights and buttons and feathers and little stuff from Toys-R-Us on the bottom of it, and their heads are clanking around, and they look like curtains at a gypsy’s house!

Why, just recently, I was in Tiffany’s exchanging this silver-plated letter opener that NBC gave me for Christmas – $12, thanks a lot. When, who do I see leaning over one of the counters, but Miss perfect 10 herself – Bo Derek! You know, that curvy-smurvy new movie star that everybody’s getting all hot and bothered about, and I don’t know why? ‘Cause I’m standing there, when, all of a sudeen, Miss Perfect 10 Lady sneezes. Not like a cute, dainty little sneeze, but a real blast-o one! Miss Perfect 10 fogged up half the glass counters in Tiffany’s! So, what does she do? She opens her perfect little purse, and takes out a perfect little Kleenex, and dobs her perfect ltitle face and then throws the perfect little Kleenex into the perfect little ball, and when she wiped off her nose, she didn’t push back in this one little perfect little nose hair. It just stuck out there! It was long and it was black and it was perfect, and I thought I was gonna die! Just between you and me, Roseanne Roseannadanna, I felt like yanking down two more hairs, braiding them and putting a bead at the end! Then, her nose would have looked like her hair. So I yelled, “Hey, Bo! Shove that hair back up your nose! What are you trying to do, make me sick?”

Jane Curtin: Roseanne..

Roseanne Roseannadanna: “You think you’re so neat, huh..?!”

Jane Curtin: Roseanne.. Roseanne! It’s really disgusting, you’re making me sick, okay?

Roseanne Roseannadanna: What’s your problem?

Jane Curtin: You’re straying from the subject, and you’re making everybody nauseous!

Roseanne Roseannadanna: Well, Jane, it just goes to show you, it’s always something! If it’s not one thing, it’s another! If you don’t know how to breastfeed your baby, or Bo Derek makes you sick at Tiffany’s. It’s just like the little song my father used to sing to me before I went to bed at night. He’d tuck me into bed, and he would sing to me this song, written by musically-happening cousin – Carlos Santana Roseannadanna. And it went like this [ singing ]:

“You’ve got to change your perfect ways, Bo Derek
before I-I-I sta-a-art loving you.
You’ve got to change, Bo Derek
‘Cause I-I-I do-o-on’t envy you.
You got perfect skin and white teeth, and you got perfect clothes
but you also got a black hair hanging out of your nose.
This can’t go on
Lord knows this can’t go o-o-o-on!”

Jane Curtin: You’re right, Roseanne, this can’t go on. That’s the news. Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 5: Episode 14

79n: (none) / James Taylor, Paul Simon & David Sanborn

Talk Or Die

Dirk Savage…..Michael Palin
Julian Carver…..Garrett Morris
Rula Lenska…..Jane Curtin

[ open on title card ]

Announcer: And now it’s time for “Talk Or Die”, the action talk show. Here’s your host — Dirk Savage.

[ dissolve to Dirk Savage being choked by a guest; he manages to fling the guest over his shoulder and send him crashing onto a table ]

Dirk Savage: [ into the camera ] Good evening! And welcome to “Talk Or Die”! [ the audience applauds wildly ] The ACTION talk show! I’m your host — Dirk Savage — and tonight we continue our series of programs on the state of theater in Britain and America. With us ib the studio, we have a Mr. Julian Carver, the noted set designer, director, and pioneer of the Black theater.

Julian Carver: Good evening.

Dirk Savage: Good evening! [ he turns ] And Miss Rula Lenska, the world known, easily recognized actress whom everyone knows from her innumerable films and television appearances! May I say, Rula, you’re looking absolutely… “lovely” today.

Rula Lenska: Thank you, Dirk. As an actress who’s constantly being recognized for her many unforgettable performances, it is important that I look my best.

Dirk Savage: Absolutely! [ he turns ] Mr. Carver — I’d like to begin this discussion by noting that, here in the States, there seems to be a certain, uh… animous toward the Black theater. Uh — a holdover, maybe, from the days when… when… [ he freezes upon noticing a tarantula crawling up Mr. Carver’s shoulder ] Mr. Carver. Don’t say anything, remain absolutely still! Don’t move a muscle. Try not to breathe, remain perfectly motionless!

Julian Carver: What are you talking about, man?

Dirk Savage: Miss Lenska! Miss Lenska!

Julian Carver: What is it?

Dirk Savage: You have a tarantula SPIDER on your right shoulder! The slightest movement could be your LAST! Miss Lenska… do you have a hairbrush?

Rula Lenska: Yes, I think so. As an actress, it’s very important that I look my best.

Dirk Savage: Shut up! Just give me the hairbrush! [ she hands it over ] Very slowly, Rula. Very slowly…

[ Dirk quickly beats Mr. Carver’s shoulder with the hairbrush, sending the tarantula flying to the floor, whereupon he jumps out of his seat and begins to stomp his foot arund the floor, then gives a final punch with his fist until he’s satisfied by the results ]

Dirk Savage: [ to Mr. Carver ] Are you hurt? Are you okay? Uh — now take a deep breath and try and tell me, uh… Is there a prejudice toward Black theater in America?

Julian Carver: [ gasping for breath ] Uh —

Dirk Savage: Try to tel us, please. It IS rather important.

Julian Carver: Uh —

[ Dirk begins to slap Mr. Carver across the face ]

Rula Lenska: Is he alright? Is he alright?

Dirk Savage: It was a bad scare. I think he’ll be alright. In the meantime, Rula — I’m jolly anxious to hear what ,i>you’ve been doing since I last — [ he turns to slap Mr. Carver in the face once more for godo measure ] since I last saw you. You must have been very busy working on the, uh, many theatrical projects, which would come the way of an actress as well known as yourself.

Rula Lenska: Well, Dirk, for the past year-and-a-half, I’ve been showing some American friends around London.

Dirk Savage: [ laughing wildly ] You’re absolutely irrepressible, Rula Lenska! And I strongly suggest that you get ready to get up, when I give the word, and dive down below your seat! In a minute… right NOW!!

[ Dirk trips Rula to the floor and grabs Mr. Carver, as bullets shatter the back wall ]

Dirk Savage: [ to Rula, as he helps her up ] Are you hurt?

Rula Lenska: I don’t… I don’t think so. Ask Mr. Carver.

Dirk Savage: Well, I’m afraid you’re the oen they were after. But don’t worry, they… they won’t be back.

Rula Lenska: [ distraught ] How do you know?

Dirk Savage: you’ll just have to… trust me.

[ Mr. Carver pulls out a gun ]

Julian Carver: You’re quite RIGHT, Mr. Savage! They WON’T be back! You see, there’s really no need!

Dirk Savage: [ raising his arms ] Tell me, Mr. Carver… How long has the KGB recruited off… Broadway?

Julian Carver: It’s really been quite pleasant chatting with you, Mr. Savage, but… [ looking around, nervously ] I’m afraid… as the saying goes… you’re about out of time!

Rula Lenska: And I have to go. I have to tape an Alberto V05 commercial. You see, I’m not really a famous actress and I really need the work.

Julian Carver: Ohhh, no, Miss Lenska. I enjoy your company FAR too much to let you run off! But — [ offstage, a bear growls ] But — what?

[ suddenly, a huge bear rushes onto the stage and pounces Mr. Carver to the floor ]

[ Dirk Savage jumps up to wrestle the bear and stabs it to death and kicks it to the floor ]

Dirk Savage: Alright. I thought this might have been the last show of the series… but NO! [ he sits and grabs Mr. Carver’s hand ] Now there’s one guest who WON’T be on a talk show again! Are you alright, Miss Lenska?

Rula Lenska: Dirk, I was so frightened!

Dirk Savage: Okay! I think we’ve had enough excitement for one day. [ to the camera ] Well, that’s all for this show. I hope you enjoyed it, and that you’ll join us again, for another edition of… “Talk Or Die”!

[ camera pans upward, with SUPER: “Coming up next: Belfast Parade and Mop-Up” ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 5: Episode 14

79n: (none) / James Taylor, Paul Simon & David Sanborn

The David Susskind Show

David Susskind…..Bill Murray
Lloyd Simmons…..Harry Shearer
Catherine Farley…..Jane Curtin
Steve Foom…..Tom Davis
Len Madrew…..Paul Simon

[ open on talk show set, with SUPER: “The David Susskind Show” ]

David Susskind: Good evening, I’m David Susskind. We have an unusual show tonight. All my guests have one thing in common: They’ve all undergone various forms of plastic surgery, to make themselves look like certain celebrities. Uh — with me is Mr. Lloyd Simmons, who makes his living as an Elvis impersonator.

Lloyd Simmons: Yes, sir, that’s right!

David Susskind: Mr. Simmons, you actually underwent plastic surgery to look more like Elvis Presley?

Lloyd Simmons: Yes, sir. I’ve had, uh, 211 separate operations over the last two years.

David Susskind: That is amazing. You know, uh, I hate to say this, but, uh, you still don’t look that much like Elvis Presley!

Lloyd Simmons: I know, I hear that from a lot of folks! Well, you’re not looking at the final product. We still have a lot of work to do on my eyes, my nose, and… we gotta raise up my jaw.

David Susskind: But why? Why would you put yourself through that pain and agony?

Lloyd Simmons: Well, sir, for one thing, uh — [ he laughs ] it is a little financially rewarding, if you know what I mean! But, uh.. if you could see what I looked like before… I think you’d understand.

David Susskind: Y-es. Well, we have a picture of you before the operation.

Lloyd Simmons: Yes!

David Susskind: You mind if we hold this up?

Lloyd Simmons: Yes, sir, that’s why I brought it.

[ Lloyd Simmons holds up a photo of Rod Stewart ]

David Susskind: Now, this is you 211 operations ago?

Lloyd Simmons: Yes, sir, that’s correct.

David Susskind: Well… that is an AMAZING transformation.

Lloyd Simmons: I find it hard to believe myself.

David Susskind: Well, let’s meet another guest. [ he turns to his opposite side ] Catherine Farley, who appears to have a remarkable resemblance to Dolly Parton. Uh —

Catherine Farley: [ husky-voiced ] Thank you!

David Susskind: Now, Catherine, what was the nature of the surgery you underwent?

Catherine Farley: Mr. Susskind, I had sections of my buttocks implanted into my breasts!

David Susskind: Now, uh — [ he adjusts himself in his seat ] I notice you don’t sound a lot like Dolly Parton when you talk. Do you sing?

Catherine Farley: I lip-synch her songs.

David Susskind: And very well, too, I suppose…

Catherine Farley: Thank you.

David Susskind: And good luck to you, Catherine. Uh — my next guest is Steve Foom, and he was supposed to, uh, end up looking like Donny Osmond, but evidently he had a bad experience. What happened, Steve?

[ Steve has long scars along his face ]

Steve Foom: Uh, that’s right, Mr. susskind. Uh — I want to look like Donny Osmond, and I didn’t have a lot of mnoey, see? Uh — so what I did was, I went down to the school of plastic surgery and I let the students work on me. And I guess the reason I’m on your show is, uh, just to say that, uh, if you’re a person out there who’s interested in going under the knife, DON’T skimp on the bucks! spend the money!

David Susskind: Well, thank you… for being brave enough to come on the show and tell us your story.

Steve Foom: Well, you’re very welcome.

David Susskind: Our final guest is Mr. Len Madrew from Saginaw, Michigan. Now, Mr. Madrew, you are the spitting image of Paul Simon. You are a credit to the plastic surgery profession.

Len Madrew: [ blushing ] Well, actually, I… never went to a plastic surgeon. I always looked very much like Paul Simon, except for the fact I was six-foot-seven. I had to have seventeen inches of bone and muscle removed from my legs. [ he pulls up a pants leg to reveal the massive stitches ]

David Susskind: Now… that looks painful.

Len Madrew: Ah, it was worth it!

David Susskind: Yeah, yeah. [ to his guests ] What was it like being another person? I mean, ahs this been a problem in your lives, because… people think you’re celebrities?

Lloyd Simmons: Well, sir… uh… you know, uh… Elvis left us a couple of years ago to go to the great Opryland upstairs, and I think, uh, most of his fans are aware that he’s no longer with us, and… I don’t want a lot of people confusing me with The King.

David Susskind: [ quickly ] Uh, Catherine?

Catherine Farley: Well, David… people come up to me all the time, but I found out of you very politely ask them to leave you alone, they will.

David Susskind: Steve? How about you?

Steve Foom: Well, uh… I find that I scare small children.

David Susskind: Mr. Madrew? any problems looking like Paul Simon?

Len Madrew: [ he sighs ] Uh — just one major problem: People keep asking me why I broke up with Art Garfunkel. I wish to Hell I knew! Actually, I love the way the guys sang together.

David Susskind: Me. too.

Len Madrew: If I ever meet Paul Simon, it’s one of the things I most want to ask him.

David Susskind: Probably a good question. Well — I’d like to thank all of you for being so open. [ into the camera ] Uh — I’d like to ask all of you to tune in next week when we talk to three guests who had to have plastic surgery to avoid looking like celebrities. Thank you.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Backstage Seance

…..Garrett Morris
…..Jane Curtin
…..Gilda Radner
…..Laraine Newman
…..John Belushi

[ open on Laraine Newman, Jane Curtin, Garrett Morris and Gilda Radner sitting around a crystal ball in a back room of the studio ]

Garrett Morris: [ clutching a smoking cigarette ] Look, this is the 100th show, right? And, you know the psychic world works on the decimal system. It’s the perfect time! Now, there’s a lot of magic in the air.

Jane Curtin: Garrett, you don’t really beleive that, do you?

Garrett Morris: I don’t have to believe it – I know it! Now, there are spirits in the studio, and they have something to tell us.

Gilda Radner: What spirits, Garrett?

Garrett Morris: Spirits of those who are no longer with us.

Gilda Radner: You mean, like Francisco Franco?

Garrett Morris: No.. he’s dead, he’s dead. Laraine, turn off the lights. [ Laraine turns off the lights ] I feel.. the presence.. of another spirit. Now, everyone try to concentrate, okay?

[ Jane begins to convulse, the spirit of Mr. Mike speaking through her ]

Laraine Newman: Jane, are you okay..?

Garrett Morris: Shhh! Leave her alone. Spirit! Are you speaking through Jane? Huh? Spirit, are you speaking through Jane?

[ John Belushi’s face appears in the crystal ball ]

John Belushi: You know, I wanted to come back and do a scene with a little class, you know? A little diginity – Joe Cocker, Samurai, a Bee, a Cheeseburger scene. Something that was good, something that was well-written. But no-o-o-o-o-o! I have to come back and do a, do a cheap seance sketch!

Garrett Morris: John.. John.. is there anything else you have to say to us?

John Belushi: “Live.. from New York.. it’s Saturday Night!”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 5: Episode 14

79n: (none) / James Taylor, Paul Simon & David Sanborn

The Nerds

Lisa Loopner…..Gilda Radner
Enid Loopner…..Jane Curtin
Belinda…..Laraine Newman
Artie…..Paul Shaffer
Grant Robinson Jr…..Garrett Morris
Todd DiLaMuca…..Bill Murray
Shelly Fabish…..Harry Shearer

[ open on interior, Loopner living room, as Lisa arrives home from school ]

Lisa Loopner: Mom! Moooommm!! Mom, I’m home!

[ Mrs. Loopner enters from the kitchen, stil drying a dish ]

Mrs. Loopner: Ohhhhhh, Lisa! [ they sit on the couch ] How did Todd’s campaign rally go?

Lisa Loopner: Oh, it was AWFUL! I left in the middle. I wish I NEVER encouraged Todd to run for Student Body president, Mom. He has NO platform. It’s just a bunch of stupid slogans, like: “Vote For todd — He’s A God!”

Mrs. Loopner: Oh, dear… he is getting a swell head.

Lisa Loopner: And, Mom, his whole political machine is falling apart! And as his campaign manager, I feel responsible! It looks like that DUMB Shelly Fabish is just gonna win by a landslide tomorrow! [ she begins to cry ]

Mrs. Loopner: Ohhhh, now I don’t suppose a big batch of egg salad would change anything?

Lisa Loopner: NO, Mom!

Mrs. Loopner: I didn’t think so. Well, whatever happens, remember what Theresa Brewer says: Stand By Your Man!

Lisa Loopner: That was Tammy Wynette!

[ the doorbell rings ]

Mrs. Loopner: No, dear, it was Theresa Brewer. [ she answers the door to Belinda and Artie ] Hi, kids!

Belinda: Hi, Mrs. Loopner.

Artie: Hello, Mrs. Loopner!

Mrs. Loopner: Oh, make yourselves at home! I wish I could stay and chew the fat, but there’s a tuna corn niblet casserole in the oven that’s calling my name!

Belinda: Mmmm! Sounds good!

Lisa Loopner: Hello, Artie. Hello, Belinda. [ they sit next to her ] Where’s God?

Belinda: If you mean Todd… he’s onhis way over here with Grant.

Artie: Yeah, Grant’s just been apppointed Todd’s BODYGUARD! [ he blows a raspberry ]

Lisa Loopner: Why does Todd need a bodyguard?

Belinda: Aw, during a rally, someone tried to pull his pants down.

Lisa Loopner: Oh, no! The “mooning” incident. Don’t tell me they’re trying to bring that up again!

Belinda: Lisa, the day Todd through a moon in Study Hall, he blew his chances of becoming President. No ifs, ands, or BUTTS! [ she laughs ]

Lisa Loopner: Oh, that’s so funny I forgot to laugh! Well… besides… there’s no proof that it was Todd’s butt!

Belinda: Wro-ong! Shelly Fabish is on his way over with documented photos of the May ’78 mooning.

Artie: I have examined the photos very closely, and I must say: They made me extremely nauseous!

Belinda: Yeah, it wasn’t pretty.

Artie: Lisa, we think that you should ask Todd to concede.

Lisa Loopner: No way, Jose Schnackman! I refuse to be intimidated by smear tactics!

[ the doorbell rings ]

Lisa Loopner: That’s okay, Mom — I’ll get it!

[ Lisa opens the door to Grant Robinson, Jr. ]

Grant Robinson, Jr.: Hi! I’m Grant Robinson, Jr. I was bussed to your school from Harriet Tubman High.

Lisa Loopner: You don’t have to introduce yourself every time. We remember you Grant.

[ Grant looks around the room carefully, then finally opens the front door ]

Grant Robinson, Jr.: The Loopner living room is secure for entry.

[ Todd finally enters ]

Todd DiLaMuca: At ease, Grant. Hello, Lisa. How are you, darling? [ he shakes her hand ]

Lisa Loopner: Hello, Todd.

Todd DiLaMuca: Why, Artie! Belinda! Glad to have your support. Terrific. Terrific. You know I count on choice political flow plugs in the near future, I assure you.

Lisa Loopner: Yeah! When HECK freezes over!

Todd DiLaMuca: Did you see it?

Lisa Loopner: Yeah.

Grant Robinson, Jr.: Uh, anyway, I guarantee I can deliver the Black vote.

Todd DiLaMuca: Uh-huh. There! I have the Black vote sewn up!

Lisa Loopner: Yeah, big deal. Grant IS the Black vote! The ONLY Black vote!

Artie: Todd! Don’t you realize that Fabish is gonna CREAM you at the polls?

Todd DiLaMuca: What do you mean? I just came up with some good cmpaign slogans. How about these? [ he holds up a button ] “In Todd We Trust.” [ they groan ] “Vote For todd, He’s got A Great Bod.”

Lisa Loopner: It’s gonna take more than slogans to pull THIS one off the dumper!

[ Belinda cracks up; Artie joins in ]

Todd DiLaMuca: Very funny.

[ the doorbell rings ; Grant answers it to Shelly Fabish, and promptly pats him down ]

Shelly Fabish: Hello, people!

Nerds: Hel-lo, Shel-ly!

Todd DiLaMuca: You got your nerve coming here, Fabish!

Belinda: [ nervous ] Uh… I just remembered… I FORGOT something! Come on, Artie. Let’s go.

Artie: Yeah. Don’t forget what we TALKED about, Lisa!

Belinda: Yeah. [ to Todd ] Bye, Pizza Butt.

[ Belinda and Artie crack up as they exit ]

Shelly Fabish: I submit for your approval… Exhibit A: Blow-ups of the surface of the moon. [ he pulls out a packet of pictures ] Don’t miss the tell-tale craters.

Lisa Loopner: Uh — there’s NOTHING in these photos to prove that it’s Todd’s butt!

Shelly Fabish: Oh, yeah? Exhibit B: A Polaroid of today’s pantsing. [ he holds up a photo ] Compare and contrast!

Grant Robinson, Jr.: He’s got ya’.

Shelly Fabish: I’m warning you, DiLaMuca — unless you pull out, these photos are gonna be ALL over the front page of the school paper tomorrow morning. [ he grabs his photos ] I rest my case!

Lisa Loopner: Yeah! Rest on THIS! [ she makes a gesture as he exits ]

Grant Robinson, Jr.: I got an idea. I could say it was me.

Todd DiLaMuca: Uh, well, uh… I appreciate the gesture and the loyalty, Grant. But I don’t think anybody will ever buy it.

Grant Robinson, Jr.: Oh. Well… I gotta be going. It’s a loooooong bus ride home.

Lisa Loopner: Bye, Grant.

Todd DiLaMuca: Yeah. You’re released, Grant.

[ Grant exits ]

[ Todd and Lisa sit on the couch ]

Todd DiLaMuca: Isn’t that incident ever going to go away? Will it haunt me forever? It’s grossly unfair. Haven’t I suffered enough?

Lisa Loopner: Whatever you did, Todd… we can’t let that stinky little CREEP blackmail you!

Todd DiLaMuca: What can I do, Lisa? They caught me with my pants down.

Lisa Loopner: Well — why don’t we just call Shelly’s bluff? The school paper will NEVER print those photos. They’re too gross!

Todd DiLaMuca: I… yes… that’s very smart, Lisa. As a matter of fact, you know you’re right up there with LiZ Taylor and Jane Fonda? All the great political chicks. Evita. Incredible. You know, you’re the woman behind the man, and I… I want to return the favor. [ Lisa puckers up ] I want to bestow upon you some appreciative, well-deserved… BACK DOOR NOOGIES! [ he spreads Lisa across his laps and pounds his fist on her butt as she screams ] Right in the butt! How about a pelvic reversal here?

Lisa Loopner: Ow! Cut it out, Pizza Face! MOM! HELP!

[ Mrs. Loopner rushes in banging a garbage can lid ]

Mrs. Loopner: Yoo-hoo! Come and get it! Soup’s on! Casserole’s on the tray!

[ Lisa and Todd get up and retreat tot the kitchen for dinner ]

[ pull out on studio wide shot, with SUPER: “Coming up next: Hamlet Eats A Danish” ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 5: Episode 14

79n: (none) / James Taylor, Paul Simon & David Sanborn

The Biggest Leprechaun

…..Sen. Daniel P. Moynihan
Sean…..Peter Aykroyd
Female Leprechaun #1…..Jane Curtin
Male Leprechaun #1…..Brian Doyle-Murray
Male Leprechaun #2…..Harry Shearer
Female Leprechaun #2…..Laraine Newman
Male Leprechaun #3…..Paul Shaffer

Sen. Daniel P. Moynihan: Good evening. In honor of St. Patrick’s Day, I’ve been asked to read one of the old favorite Irish faerie tales. It’s called “The Biggest Leprechaun”.

[ reading ]

“Once upon a time, in the county Cary, in a tiny, small grass house nearby to an empty milk can that had long ago fallen off a farmer’s cart, and next to a stump and beside a fence that marked Old Man McGuire’s pasture, there lived a band of leprechauns. These were some of the little people, also known as the wee ones, who are the mischevious faeries, who people the mountains and vales, the bonds and bondsides of all Ireland.”

[ dissolve to leprechauns dancing around the empty milk can ]

Sen. Daniel P. Moynihan V/O: They’re rarely seen, but well known for their playful pranks. And it’s well known, also, that, should a person manage to catch one, a leprechaun would promise a pot of gold to be set free. Now, among this particular band was a leprechaun named Sean, who, while wee, was even so the least wee of all the wee people.”

[ Sean, a bigger-sized leprechaun runs into the scene ]

Sean: Run for it – hide! I threw some chowder in Mrs. Murphy’s overalls, and she’s right at our hells!

[ the leprechauns panic, and run into their grass house; Sean is so much bigger, that he cannot fit inside with them ]

Sen. Daniel P. Moynihan V/O: “Sean was indeed so tall, he was taller than a milk can. And he was so fat, he was bigger than a bucket. So it was hard for him to hide, and he often got caught.”

[ the leprechauns slowly exit their grass house, as Sean returns to them ]

Sean: I got caught again! I had to promise old Mrs. Murphy a pot of gold!

Female Leprechaun #1: Oh, that’s just grand, Mr. High And White – you think we’re made of gold?!

Male Leprechaun #1: Ah, you’re a sorry lot, my lad! And a lot of lad, I might add! But you know what the price of gold is today?! Why, you’re just giving it away, you damn fool!

Male Leprechaun #2: Aye, you call yourself a teenie-weenie? That’s a laugh! You’re a four-foot-long tub of hot tar!

Female Leprechaun #2: No wonder you get caught all the time! Must you stand up so straight, can’t you slouch a little?!

Male Leprechaun #3: Sean’s not a faerie! Sean’s not a faerie!

Male Leprechaun #2: Alright, enough! Enough! [ hands pot of gold to Sean ] Here, take the gold, pay off Mrs. Murphy! But you’d better start on a diet – nothing but shamrock salads for you, Mister!

Sen. Daniel P. Moynihan: “But Sean didn’t learn his lesson. He didn’t diet. He didn’t even slouch. Until one day, after tying McGuire’s shoelaces together, and knocking over his tea, and throwing the poor man’s scones out the window, Sean was trying to hide behind the dairy can, when a big wind came up, blowing over the can and flattening Sean beneath. Which only proved, that, even if you have all the gold in the world, and everyone tells you how big you are, in the end there are still things bigger than you. and under that big dairy can in Cary lies a big fat faerie. Big Sean.”

Leprechauns: [ singing ] “Big Sean! Big Sea-an! Big, fat Sean!”

Sen. Daniel P. Moynihan: “And thus, we learn again: People, even little people, who live in grass houses, shouldn’t throw scones.” Good night.

SNL Transcripts

Horizon System 12 Television

Announcer: Horizon Corporation announces System 12 – a breakthtrough. The largest television system ever is now even larger, with a full 42″ picture tube, for the brightest image ever! Power-modular elements and components, making it the heaviest, most powerful television in Horizon history. With channel selector, channel control center, AC power cord, twelve speakers, and a high-performance television sound system with the loudest sound reproduction ever! Housed in a full 204″ cabinet, design-crafted in the great tradition of American workmanship.

[ System 12 finally revealed to be a tiny picture tube encased by massive speakers and wood casing ]

System 12: a masterpiece! Louder sound, more parts, bigger and better than ever.

System 12. The parts go in before the name goes on.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 5: Episode 14

79n: (none) / James Taylor, Paul Simon & David Sanborn

Goodnights

[ the cast and guests, including Lorne Michaels, wave good night ]

Announcer: We’ll be back, live, on April 5th, three weeks from tonight. In the meantime, watch our encore performances and “The Best of Saturday Night Live” on Fridays at 10:00, 9:00 Mountain and Central. The first hundred shows are the hardest, so, from now on, this show should be a cinch. This is Don Pardo. Good night.

SNL Transcripts