Category:

SNL Transcripts: Vince Vaughn: 04/13/13




 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 38: Episode 18


This free script provided by http://javascriptkit.com]]>





Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:

Bit Players:

Guest Writer:


April 13th, 2013

Vince Vaughn

Miguel

None

Steve Jones

None

Monica Padrick

A Message from the President of the United StatesSummary: In discussing his gun control legislation, President Barack Obama (Jay Pharoah) allows Senator Joe Manchin (Jason Sudeikis) and Senator Patrick Toomey (Bill Hader) to outline some of the zanier clauses on the bill’s bipartisan agreement.

Recurring Characters: President Barack Obama.

Transcript

Montage

Vince Vaughn’s MonologueSummary: Because the audience is who matters most during a live “SNL” performance, Vince Vaughn mingles among them to help them maintain their focus and ensure the show goes well.

Transcript

The Al Pacino Accused Murderer Biopic SeriesSummary: Al Pacino (Bill Hader) dons different wigs in order to portray famous accused murderers in a series of televised biopics.

Transcript

Stormy SkiesSummary: The new original soap opera on The Wesher Channel features an extramarital affair alongside a three-day forecast.

Recurring Characters: Al Roker.

History of PunkSummary: Documentary footage details the political leanings of punk rocker Ian Rubbish (Fred Armisen), a staunch anarchist except where the life of Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher was concerned.

Short Term Memory Loss TheaterSummary: (Bill Hader) joins in a performance of “Howl of the Landlord” with the Short Term Memory Loss Players.

Miguel performs “Adorn”

Weekend Update with Seth MeyersSummary: Brad Paisley (Jason Sudeikis) and L.L. Cool J (Kenan Thompson) comment on the unusual backstory of their new rap-country hybrid “Accidental Racist”. Marina Chapman (Kate McKinnon) relates her story of being raised by monkeys.

Junior PromSummary: Rich Man From the Hill (Vince Vaughn) donates money for North Side Junior High School’s prom, then comes down to help liven up the festivities.

Roundball RockSummary: At a 1990 meeting with NBC Sports, John Tesh (Jason Sudeikis) and his brother Dave (Tim Robinson) perform “Roundball Rock” with unnecessarily loud lyrics.

Note: This sketch was cut from the dress rehearsal of the episode hosted by Louis C.K. earlier in the season.

Transcript

Miguel performs “How Many Drinks”

Last Call IISummary: Drunken (Vince Vaughn) and Sheila Sovage (Kate McKinnon) hit if off after they’re the last singles left in the bar at closing time.

Recurring Characters: Sheila Sovage.

GoodnightsTranscript

Dress Rehearsal Cuts

Summary:

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Melissa McCarthy: 04/06/13: Outside The Lines



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 38: Episode 17






















12q: Melissa McCarthy / Phoenix

Outside The Lines

Sheila Kelly…..Melissa McCarthy
Bob Ley…..Bill Hader
Bill Crenshaw…..Tim Robinson
Professor…..Bobby Moynihan
Kenny Watkins…..Jay Pharoah

Announcer: [ over footage of Mike Rice ] This week — Video surfaced of Rutgers basketball coach Mike Rice beating, pushing, and using slurs against his players. The ensuing outrage led to rice’s termination. But Mike Rice’s behavior — while shocking — seems gentle when compared to the actions of this woman: [ reveal Sheila Kelly ] Sheila Kelly, Head Coach of Division III’s Middle Delaware State.

[ cut to footage ]

Bob Ley V/O: Tonight, we investigate Sheila Kelly’s reign of terror on “Outside The Lines”.

[ cut to footage of Sheila Kelly on the basketball court ]

Bob Ley V/O: Sheila Kelly has long had a fiery reputation among her peers. But this week, “Outside The Lines” obtained practice video showing exactly how far she has gone to motivate her players. Cursing at them…

Sheila Kelly: I will fucking cut that ponytail off!

Bob Ley V/O: Throwing basketballs…

[ she throws a basketball at a player ]

Bob Ley V/O: Shooting T-shirt guns…

Sheila Kelly: You can’t fucking hide from me! [ she fires a t-shirt at the team as they cower atop the bleachers ]

Bob Ley V/O: Throwing bricks at them…

Sheila Kelly: [ as a player misses a shot ] Guess what? BRICK!! [ she throws a brick at the player ]

Bob Ley V/O: Threatening them with a baseball bat…

Sheila Kelly: You take THAT ball… and you put it through THAT hole… and I won’t hit you with the bat!

Bob Ley V/O: …while they’re on roller skates. Even forcing the players to serve her meals.

Sheila Kelly: Where’s the bread? Where is the bread?! [ a player rushes bread forward ] That’s shitty, shitty bread! [ she throws pieces at the player ] You — eat that!

[ the player relunctantly eats the scrap ]

Bob Ley V/O: I sat down with Delaware State Athletic Director Bill Crenshaw, to ask why Coach Kelly was still ith the team.

[ cut to Bill Crenshaw ]

Bill Crenshaw: Is Coach Kelly unconventional? Sure! Have most, if not all, of the players come to my office and BEGGED for me to replace her? Uhhhhh… YEAH!! But playing college ball isn’t supposed to be easy or fun or rewarding. It’s supposed to make money for the university! And let’s not forget that these kids have it GOO-OOD! They’re all gettig a FREE education!

Bob Ley V/O: While it is true members of the team receive scholarships, “Outside The Lines” has obtained classroom video that calls into question the quality of that education.

[ cut to Professor teaching, as Sheila Kelly rushes into the classroom ]

Sheila Kelly: Yeah, you want to play basketball?! Huh?! Huh?! Do you?! [ she throws basketballs at the students ]

Professor: I’m gonna have to ask you to LEAVE!!

[ Sheila Kelly rushes forward and tazes the professor, then holds up her taser in front of the class ]

Sheila Kelly: Now, who’s next?! Who wants…? I’ll tella ya’! [ she points to a student ] YOU!! You’re next! [ she chases the student, tasing others along the way ]

Professor: [ standing ] Coach Kelly… please stop…

[ she tazes the professor again, then chases the student out of the classroom ]

Bob Ley V/O: We sat down with one-time Assistant Coach Kenny Watkins, who claims the tapes didn’t even show the worst of it.

[ cut to interview footage ]

Kenny Watkins: She said some of the nastiest things I’ve ever heard. Things like, “You must have (bleep) up your butt, ’cause every time you dribble I can see your (bleep), If I wanted to see (bleep) bangin’ (bleep), I’d bring a (bleep) to a truck stop.” It doesn’t even make sense! And I recorded it all. You come back later today, and I’ll play you the tapes.

Bob Ley V/O: But when we came back the next day, Kenny Watkins had changed his tune.

Kenny Watkins: [ with bandage on nose ] I was just joking! Coach Kelly is the BEST!

[ reveal Sheila Kelly staring through the window behind Bob Ley ]

Bob Ley: Is everything all right?

[ in the window, Sheila Kelly makes a slashing motion at her throat ]

Bob Ley V/O: After weeks of dodging our request, Coach Kelly finally agreed to an interview.

[ cut to the one-on-one interview ]

Bob Ley: Can I show you a clip from practice?

Sheila Kelly: I don’t know, can you?

[ Bob Ley plays a clip of Sheila Kelly throwing a toaster at one of her players ]

Sheila Kelly: Yeah, you know why I threw a toaster at you?! ‘Cause you’re TOAST! ‘Cause you’re a piece of shit! You’re a piece of shit on toast! Pick that toaster up! Pick it up!

[ return to the interview ]

Bob Ley: Why would you throw a toaster at a player?

Sheila Kelly: Because when someone blows by you, you’re TOAST! When you get toast and you are toast… you get hit with a toaster! Or, to put it in terms that you might understand: “Durrrrrr!! Duh durrrrrr! Duhhhh! Durrrrrr!! Duhhh! Duhhh! Duhhhh!”

Bob Ley: You seem defensive.

Sheila Kelly: What? You’re attacking me! I mean, it’s not like I drive a golf cart through practice!

[ cut to footage ]

Bob Ley V/O: But she has.

[ Sheila Kelly drives through practice on a golf cart ]

Sheila Kelly: Dribble, dodge, dribble, or dodge me! Quick feet! Quick feet! Quick feet! You don’t move, I’m gonna barrell you! Yeah, move! Move! You always move!

[ return to interview ]

Bob Ley: Let me read you your record as Head Coach…

Sheila Kelly: Good! Go ahead, do it!

Bob Ley: Over the course of three seasons, your teams were a combined 3 and 81.

Sheila Kelly: [ she shrugs ] Is that my fault? All my best players were injured.

Bob Ley: Were you the one who injured them?

Sheila Kelly: I’m not answering that question.

Bob Ley: I’d like an answer.

Sheila Kelly: And I’d like you… to… shut… the… HELL… UP!!

Bob Ley: Why do you have a basketbal in your lap?

Sheila Kelly: Why don’t you keep asking me that question, and you’re gonna find out.

[ cut to Bob Ley live, with bloody nose ]

Bob Ley: I did keep asking questions, and what I found out was that I had provoked her — and it was my fault. Next week on “Outside the Lines”, the heartwarming story of a college football coach who harvests the organs of his players and then SELLS them for personal gain. [ he chuckles ]

[ cut to title graphics ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Melissa McCarthy: 04/06/13: Goodnights



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 38: Episode 17




12q: Melissa McCarthy / Phoenix

Goodnights

…..Melissa McCarthy

Melissa McCarthy: I want to say Thanks to Phoenix, Dennis Rodman, Peter Dinklage! Thank you, New York! Thank you, SNL! I had the time of my life!!

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Melissa McCarthy: 04/06/13: Bathroom Businessman



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 38: Episode 17














12q: Melissa McCarthy / Phoenix

Bathroom Businessman

Businessman…..Kenan Thompson
Secretary…..Nasim Pedrad

[ open on Businessman hard at work in his office ]

Announcer: You work hard. And in this economy… you can’t afford to take a break. [ he eats a sandwich in his officer ] But you’re only human. At some point… [ he checks his watch ] you have to go.

[ the Businessman finally runs to the bathroom ]

Announcer: Did you know the average American wastes FIFTEEN minutes a day in the bathroom?

Businessman: [ thrusting his arms up ] I’m flushing my CAREER down the toilet!

Announcer: Well, now you don’t have to…

[ scene morphs to reveal the Businessman sitting on the toilet while surrounded by office equipment ]

Announcer: With the Bathroom Businessman! It’s a fully functional workspace, where you need it MOST — in the bathroom stall.

Businessman: Well, NOW I can finally get some… [ as he farts ] work done!

Announcer: You’ll get a telephone! A desktop computer! Filing cabinets! Even a paper shredder!

[ the Businessman lights a match to absorb the smell ]

[ cut to Businessman rolling the kit through the main office area ]

Announcer: And the Bathroom Businessman is portable AND discreet.

Secretary: Oh! Should I hold your calls?

Businessman: Uhhhhh — no! Forward them… to the bathroom!

[ he continues on his way, as she looks quizzically in his wake ]

Announcer: Bathroom Businessman is a CINCH to set up. Simply open the briefcase, remove its contents and begin anchoring the shelves. Then wire the fax modem to the nearest dataport, update your network software, and begin assembling the hard drive.

[ the Businessman looks around the stall in great panic ]

Businessman: I can’t reach the toilet! [ he bangs on the door ] And I can’t get out! Help! He…

[ suddenly, he experiences a bowel movement and is helpless to do anything about it in his confined space ]

Businessman: [ crying ] Oh, no… I just shit in my pants!

[ scene freezes, as public service text appears on-screen ]

Announcer: Don’t let it come to this. Stop texting and checking e-mail on the toilet. Nothing’s that important. And it’s disgusting.

[ dissolve to animated text: ]

Announcer: This has been a public service mesage for Decency.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Melissa McCarthy: 04/06/13: The Art of the Encounter



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 38: Episode 17












12q: Melissa McCarthy / Phoenix

The Art of the Encounter

Donna Fingerneck…..Cecily Strong
Jody Cork…..Kate McKinnon
Veronica Shanks…..Melissa McCarthy
Mario Ward…..Taran KillanDates…..Bboby Moynihan, Tim Robinson

[ open on title card ]

[ dissolve to girls seated on set ]

Donna Fingerneck: Hi! I’m Donna Fingerneck.

Jody Cork: And I’m Jody Cork. Dating in the 90’s is tricky and hard, isn’t it?

Donna Fingerneck: Do you have a hard time starting conversations with men?

Jody Cork: Do you have a hard time keeping a man’s interest?

Donna Fingerneck: Do you have a hard time maintaining a romantic air?

Jody Cork: Do you feel like you’re getting left behind in romance areas?

Donna Fingerneck: Are you ever at a party, and you drop your steak on the floor because you’re so nervous?

Jody Cork: Have you ever missed a party pinata so bad that you did over $400,000 worth of damage?

Donna Fingerneck: Have you?

Jody Cork: Have you?

Donna Fingerneck: Have you? Yes, you have — if you are. Hi! We’re here to put soem tools in your relationship toolbag.

Jody Cork: Watch this love encounter scenario, starring Veronica Shanks and Mario Ward.

Donna Fingerneck: Veronica has her eye on an eligible man. But can she follow our first rule and play it cool?

Jody Cork: Let’s see, by watching!

[ they turn to watch, as the scene dissolves to Veronica and Mario standing over a punch bowl ]

Veronica Shanks: Mmm… this punch is so good!

Mario Ward: It is! And so is the party music. Mmm… fruit punch!

Veronica Shanks: I didn’t see you there. I’m desperate for a man, and I’ll do ANYTHING to impress you! Do you wanna see me drink from this punch bowl? [ she holds up the bowl and slurps from it ]

Mario Ward: Mmm… that’s not fun. I’m gonna go enjoy the party music away from you. [ he wanders off ]

[ cut back to Donna and Jody ]

Jody Cork: Did you see where Veronica went wrong?

Donna Fingerneck: I know I did.

Jody Cork: Veronica needs to keep it simple.

Donna Fingerneck: She needs to prepare herself with simple conversation starters, like: Sports Scores.

Jody Cork: Blazers.

Donna Fingerneck: Travel mugs.

Jody Cork: Personal Health Scares.

Donna Fingerneck: And Sports Rumors.

Jody Cork: Watch how Veronica keeps the conversation going, using these techniques.

[ they turn to watch, as the scene dissolves to Veronica and Mario sitting on a park bench ]

Mario Ward: [ checking his watch ] I feel like this bus is NEVER going to arrive!

Veronica Shanks: Hey, did you hear about those SPORTS SCORES?! Their team was one of them!

Mario Ward: [ impressed ] Wow! I didn’t expect a girl like you to know about my interests!

Veronica Shanks: Wait ’til I start talking about BLAZERS and TRAVEL MUGS!

Mario Ward: You really are surprising me with how INTERESTING you are!

Veronica Shanks: What can I do to make you happy? I would do ANYTHING! I would tickle the top of your man-package if that will make you like me more.

Mario Ward: Mmm… you just bored me. You need to work on yourself. [ he stands and walsk away ]

[ return to Donna and Jody ]

Jody Cork: Veronica had a great start there, but once again fell off track.

Donna Fingerneck: Exactly! Did you notice that she didn’t make the right kind of physical contact?

Jody Cork: It’s always great to seal the deal with a touch that isn’t too forward.

Donna Fingerneck: Like cupping his elbows slightly while you bring up one knee.

Jody Cork: Take your tiny finger and tap the fabric of his sweater and say, “Is this real?”

Donna Fingerneck: Use your second and fourth finger to admire his watch.

Jody Cork: Watch Veronica in our last sceneario. I think you’ll see she’s finally put it all together!

Donna Fingerneck: Get ready for a happy ending, as Veronic snags her Mr. Right using our successful tips and techniques.

[ they place their hands to their faces and turn to watch, as the scene dissolves to Veronica and Mario in a supermarket aisle ]

Mario Ward: Boy… who knew there were so many cereals?

Veronica Shanks: [ laughing, as she grabs his elbows and raises her leg ] I was thinking the same thing!

Mario Ward: You don’t say!

Veronica Shanks: [ touching his sweater ] Hey! That is a nice sweater!

Mario Ward: Thanks! I’d… given up on it.

Veronica Shanks: Do you want to get on the ground now?

Mario Ward: Why?

Veronica Shanks: So I can do the splits on your face!

Mario Ward: I like that! My name’s Mario. Yuo seem submissive, can I buy you dinner?

Veronica Shanks: I’m gonna do the splits now, so you need to get into place!

Mario Ward: Got it!

[ he drops to the ground ,as she crouches over him ]

[ return to Donna and Jody with two men ]

Donna Fingerneck: Way to go, Veronica! We knew you’d get there!

Jody Cork: We did!

Donna Fingerneck: Order now for 248 VHS tapes, and you’ll be in a relationship in no time! We’d love to give you more tips, but our dates are here.

Jody Cork: With corsages!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Melissa McCarthy: 04/06/13




 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 38: Episode 17


This free script provided by http://javascriptkit.com]]>





Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:



Bit Players:


April 6th, 2013

Melissa McCarthy

Phoenix

None

Dennis Rodman

None

None

Kim Jong-un AddressSummary: Kim Jong-un (Bobby Moynihan) discusses his altered stance on same-sex marriage, as well as his own sexual prowess, with the citizens of North Korea.

Recurring Characters: Kim Jong-un.

Montage

Melissa McCarthy’s MonologueSummary: Melissa McCarthy experiences trouble while trying to perform her monologue in a ridiculously tall pair of high heels.

Outside The LinesSummary: Girls basketball coach Sheila Kelly (Melissa McCarthy) is revealed to have worse courtside etiquette than Mike Rice.

Transcript

The VoiceSummary: The celebrity judges are overenthusiastic for a contestant (Melissa McCarthy) who barely wants to be there.

Recurring Characters: Carson Daly, Shakira, Cee Lo Green.

Note: This sketch was cut in the dress rehearsal for the episode hosted by Louis C.K. earlier in the season.

Honey Baked Ham Bake-OffSummary: This year, Jean Carrera (Melissa McCarthy) has really stepped up the presentation of her baked ham.

Bathroom BusinessmanSummary: Bathroom Businessman lets a businessman (Kenan Thompson) be more productive at work while still taking bathroom breaks, but is it the decent thing to do?

Transcript

Phoenix performs “Entertainment”

Weekend Update with Seth MeyersSummary: Jacob the Bar Mitzvah Boy (Vanessa Bayer) explains the story of Passover. Charles Barkley (Kenan Thompson) comments on the money he’s lost gambling on the NCAA Final Four. Drunk Uncle (Bobby Moynihan) is too drunk to give his thoughts on tax season, but instead introduces his “Game of THrones”-watching brother-in-law Peter Drunklage (Peter Dinklage).

Recurring Characters: Jacob, Charles Barkley, Drunk Uncle.

Million Dollar WheelSummary: Game show’s eye candy (Melissa McCarthy) turns all the wrong letters as the contestants attempt to solve the word puzzle.

Pizza BusinessSummary: Entrepreneur Barb Kelner (Melissa McCarthy) tries to borrow money from loan officer (Jason Sudeikis) so she can start a business centered on eating clients’ leftover pizzas.

Phoenix performs Trying To Be Cool” and “Drakkar Noir”

The Art of the EncounterSummary: In a 90’s video, Donna Fingerneck (Cecily Strong) and Jody Cork (Kate McKinnon) offer up dating tips that Veronica Shanks (Melissa McCarthy) uses to pick up Mario Ward (Taran Killam).

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

Dress Rehearsal Cuts

Summary:

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Justin Timberlake: 03/09/13: Weekend Update with Seth Meyers



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 38: Episode 16


This free script provided by http://javascriptkit.com]]>










12p: Justin Timberlake

Weekend Update with Seth Meyers

…..Seth Meyers
Stefon…..Bill Hader

Announcer: “Weekend Update”, with Seth Meyers!

Seth Meyers: Good evening, I’m Seth Meyers! Here are tonight’s top stories:

Several anti-American leaders, including Raul Castro and Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, on Friday attended the funeral of Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez. A funeral that was held, I’m guessing, on an island shaped like a skull.

A man in Italy who was dressed like a bishop, Monday, tried to sneak into a meeting of cardinals in the Vatican as they tried to choose a new Pope. [ image: Dennis Rodman dressed like a bishop ] Dude, just mind your own business for a while! You don’t have to be everywhere! We’re good! We’re great without your help.

Mexico’s Carlos Slim tops this year’s list of the richest people in the world, with an estimated wealth of $73 billion — which, in pesos, works out to infinity. Infinity pesos.

Both Mark Hamill and Carrie Fisher have confirmed that they will reprise their roles of Luke Skywalker and Princess Leia in the upcoming “Star Wars” sequels. Said another former “Star Wars” actor: [ image: Jar Jar Binks ] “Meesa waitin’ by da phone!”

Hopefully, Hamill and Fisher have aged better than Chewbacca. [ image: Chewbacca with receding hairline ]

The TSA, this week, announced that it will now allow airline passengers to carry previously banned pocket knives, baseball bats and pool cues on planes. And no one’s happier than Honkytonk Bar Fight Airlines.

Playboy, this week, launched a Hebrew language version of their magazine. Although, as far as I know, it could have always been in Hebrew.

And, remember: With the Hebrew edition of Playboy, you look at the models’ breasts from right to left. If you get that — Mazel Tov!

A man in Maine was surprised when he found a knife inside his 2 year-old son’s Elmo birthday cake. And a man in jail was disappointed to get a cake that was just Elmo.

In an effort to stop declining sales, Hooters is now trying to attract women to their restaurants by remodeling their stores and adding salads to the menu. Which is like trying to attract women to your sex dungeon by playing Adele in the background.

This Sunday is Daylight Savings Time, so don’t forget the clock on your oven will be wrong for six months.

Seth Meyers: After a long winter, Spring hits New York in a couple of weeks, and with it will come MILLIONS of springtime tourists. Here with some tips on what they should check out, is our City Correspondent — Stefon!

Stefon: Hiii.

Seth Meyers: Hi, Stefon! It’s been a while

Stefon: I know. This job writing for “Smash” is killing me.

Seth Meyers: Oh. That makes a lot of sense. So, Stefon — a lot of people are anxious to enjoy the city once the weather gets warm. What are some places folks should check out if they’re looking for a Spring outing?

Stefon: If it’s warm and you want to be outed… I know just the place for you: New York’s hottest club is [ high-pitched squeal ] Maaaaaaary! Opened in 1997 by missing Folida woman Lisa Martinez, this club is currently going 90 miles per hour down Westside Highway. This place has EVERYTHING: Charts, graphs, Powerpoint, a guy who still thinks Jamba Juice is good for you. And if you liked Russell Crowe in “Les Misérables”, you might want to hear Jasper the gorilla pass a kidney stone! [ he covers his face with his hands ]

Seth Meyers: This place sounds fancy.

Stefon: It is. There’s even a password — The last words of murdered blues legend Sweet Willie Walker.

Seth Meyers: Oh? what were his last words?

Stefon: [ in loud ghetto accent ] “My wallet?! Yeahhhhhhh, right!” [ he folds his arms tightly, then covers his face with his hands ]

Seth Meyers: Stefon… maybe we should try to think a little more family-oriented, you know? A place for the holidays.

Stefon: Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes! Yessssss! I know just the place for you. New York’s hottest club is [ deep-voiced ] Your Mother And I Are Separating. [ he covers his face with his hands ] Don’t be fooled by the charred Red Lobster sign out front; this club IS a burned-out Red Lobster. And it has EVERYTHING: A shake for breakfast, a shake for lunch, a sensible dinner, those shoes that nurses wear… And you can dance the night away to the sounds of Donald Duck having a Vietnam nightmare.

Seth Meyers: What does that sound like?

[ Stefon makes wheezy sleping sounds, then jolts into loud, wheezy, hyperventilating sounds ]

Seth Meyers: You dance the night away to that?

Stefon: Yeah!

Seth Meyers: Well, Stefon — Spring Break is coming up. Any tips for college kids coming to have a safe and fun Spring Break?

Stefon: [ smiling sadistically ] Yesss!

Seth Meyers: Okay.

Stefon: Safe and fun. If you’re looking to get hurt and go completely insane, I know JUST the place for you! New York’s hottest club is [ squeezing his hand into a fist and pursing his lips at it ] So-phieeee! Based on the novel “Push” by Sapphire… [ he cracks up and covers his face with his hands ] Club promoter Joseph Gordon-Fisherman opened a SoHo hotspot located in a haunted diaper. When it comes to Spring Break, this place has EVERYTHING: Chutes, ladders, the outdoor concert from a Zoloft commercial… [ he cracks himself up ] If that’s not enouh for you, you can hit the dance floor with a human fanny pack.

Seth Meyers: Now… for those of us who don’t know, what is a human fanny pack?

Stefon: It’s that thing of when a midget hangs around your waist… and holds your passport in his mouth! [ he cracks up and covers his face with his hands ]

Seth Meyers: I don’t know if this is what we’re looking for…

Stefon: Fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, fine! I have two questions: Will you spend Spring Break with me… and Why not?

Seth Meyers: I can’t. I’m taking my serious girlfriend to Mexico.

Stefon: To kill her? [ he crosses his fingers ]

Seth Meyers: No!!

Stefon: [ he pouts ] Well… if you go with me, you can join my Five-Timers Club!

Seth Meyers: [ smiling; curious ] What do I have to do five times?

[ Stefon keeps his lips pursed ]

Stefon: For “Weekend Update”, I’m the future Mrs. Stefon Meyers! Good night!

Seth Meyers: Good night!

[ they hug to fade ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Justin Timberlake: 03/09/13: Justin Timberlake’s Monologue



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 38: Episode 16






























12p: Justin Timberlake

Justin Timberlake’s Monologue

….Justin Timberlake
Doorman…..Michael Patrick O’Brien
…..Paul Simon
…..Steve Martin
…..Dan Aykroyd
…..Chevy Chase
…..Martin Short
…..Alec Baldwin
…..Tom Hanks
…..Taran Killam
…..Bboby Moynihan
…..Candice Bergen

Announcer: Ladies and gebtlemen — Justin Timberlake!

Justin Timberlake: [ laughing ] Ah! Very nice! Thank you! Thank you! Yes — Your check is in the mail! It is GREAT to be back hosting “Saturday Night Live” for the… [ counting on his fingers ] FIFTH time! [ the audience cheers ] There are so many exciting things about hosting five times. You get to see… old friends; you get to try new things; you get to inevitably let everyone down, thanks to overly high expectations — Thanks, Internet! But the BEST part is… they give you one of these: [ he holds up a card ] That’s right, membership into the Five-Timers Club. [ the audience applauds wildly ] In case you don’t know, this is the most exclusive club in New York. Come on — let’s check it out.

[ he runs off Home Base ]

[ dissolve to close-up of door to the Five-Timers Club, as Timberlake approaches and knocks ]

Doorman: Welcome to the Five-Timers Club! We’ve been expecting you, Mr. Timberlake!

Justin Timberlake: [ taking it all in ] Wow…

Doorman: Smoking jacket?

Justin Timberlake: Please. Thanks. [ after his jacket is put on him ] This is fantastic! [ he looks up as he hears guitar music ] What? Oh, my God… is that…? [ Paul Simon appears ] Paul Simon!

Paul Simon: [ shaking hands ] Welcome to the club.

Justin Timberlake: Mr. Simon, the honor is mine.

Paul Simon: [ nodding ] I think it is. Hey, uh — would you like to meet some of the other members?

Justin Timberlake: Uh… sure.

Paul Simon: Do you know Steve Martin?

[ Steve Martin stands to thunderous applause ]

Steve Martin: Wellllll, Justin Timberlake. Welcome to the club, ol’ boy. I always thought if an ‘N Sync member made the Five-Timers Club, it would be Joey Fatone.

Paul Simon: No, no, no. Believe me… this is a great addition to the club. He’s a multi-talented guy, he can do everything.

Steve Martin: Sooooo… you play banjo?

Justin Timberlake: Uh… no, no, no, not really…

Steve Martin: Ohhhh. So, not… everything? [ he bites his pipe ] Come on, Justin. Let’s get a drink.

[ they approach the bar, where Dan Aykroyd stands at duty ]

Justin Timberlake: Dan Aykroyd?! You’re a Five-Timer?

Steve Martin: No, no, no. No, Danny here is a bartender. It’s the best he can do, having only hosted once.

Justin Timberlake: But he is original cast — surely, that means something, right?

Steve Martin: [ chuckling heartily ] You’re adorable! [ to Aykroyd ] Cocktail menus?

Dan Aykroyd: Here you are, Mr. Martin.

Steve Martin: Uhhh — let’s keep the chitchat to a minimum, Danny.

[ Aykroyd bows humbly, as Timberlake glances at the menu ]

Justin Timberlake: Uhhh — I’ll have the Kristen Wiig.

Steve Martin: Oh, and, by the way — it’s customary to tip here at the Five-Timers Club. Lucky for Danny.

[ Aykroyd hands Timberlake a wigged cocktail ]

Dan Aykroyd: Your Gilly.

Steve Martin: [ opening his wallet ] Ah — lucky for Danny, I always carry hundreds. Ohh, what luck! I found a One! [ he hands the small bill to Aykroyd ] Come with me, Justin.

Justin Timberlake: [ glancing ] What is this?

Steve Martin: This is the Hall of Portraits. Drew Barrymore: Inducted in 2007; John Goodman: Hosted eleven straight years; and, of course, Chevy.

[ reveal Chevy Chase on the telephone ]

Chevy Chase: Yes, yes… I would like to order one Rolls-Royce… and just send the bill to me, Mr., uh, Steve Martin. Steve! Thank you! [ he tries in vain to hang up the phone, finally succeeding when he actually looks at the handle ]

Steve Martin: Chevy! What a surprise!

Chevy Chase: Steve! I never see you any more!

Steve Martin: I know! It’s a shame!

Chevy Chase: No, it’s on purpose.

Justin Timberlake: [ confused ] Wait… are you guys friends, or not?

Steve Martin: Exactly! [ a beat ] You know, I’m famished. Waiter!

[ Martin Short rushes forward with a tray of hors d’oeuvres ]

Martin Short: Yes! Hors d’oeuvres?

Steve Martin: What?

Chevy Chase: I said… Hors d’oeuvres?

Steve Martin: I believe it’s pronounced… Hoars devoares.

Chevy Chase: Of course, Sir… [ suddenly, he sneezes on the tray, wipes it at Steve’s face with a napkin and recoils at the sight of Chevy’s face ]

Justin Timberlake: Oh, my God…! I just realied I’m standing next to “The Three Amigos”!

Steve Martin: [ humbly ] Well, I guess you’re right.

Justin Timberlake: Is there any chance I could get you guys to do the salute?

Steve Martin & Chevy Chase: No, no… I don’t do that any more…

Chevy Chase: The THREE Amigos! [ he does the salute, much to the audience’s delight ] Sorry.

[ Short rushes off ]

Steve Martin: If there was anywhere else he could go…

[ Alec Baldwin and Tom Hanks enter from the opposite side of the room ]

Alec Baldwin: Hey, you guys! Stop your yammering, and let’s enjoy tonight’s episode!

Justin Timberlake: Alec Baldwin and Tom Hanks!

[ they all shake hands ]

Tom Hanks: Come, Young Justin! You won’t want to miss this!

[ the two men sit on the couch ]

Justin Timberlake: What are we looking at here?

Alec Baldwin: You know, one of the joys, J.T. of being a Fiver is making the cast members FIGHT for your entertainment.

[ Taran Killam and Bobby Moynihan begin to fight mano-a-mano for the men ]

Alec Baldwin: Cover your FACE, Bobby!

Tom Hanks: Yes. You see, unlike us, young cast have to scrap and claw for the chance to be on the show… Gouge his eyes, Taran!!

Justin Timberlake: It seems a little brutal.

Alec Baldwin: No, it’s all in good fun… Finish him, Bobby!!

[ Bobby jumps up and punches an off-camera Taran ]

Tom Hanks: Well done! Well done! Go get yourself a BEER, young man!

Bobby Moynihan: [ weeping ] I killed my friend!

Tom Hanks: And I LOVE Drunk Uncle!

Bobby Moynihan: [ smiling ] Thank you! [ he walks off ]

Alec Baldwin: [ pleased ] So, J.T., a Five-Timer. I remember when I put on the jacket so long ago. I was a different man then: No sudden fits of rage…

Justin Timberlake: [ laughing ] THat’s a good one, Alec!

Alec Baldwin: [ sternly ] It wasn’t a joke, J.T. I’ll let you know when I’m joking.

[ Candice Bergen enters ]

Candice Bergen: Relax, Alec!

Justin Timberlake: Oh! Candice Bergen? The first female member of the Five-Timers Club!

Candice Bergen: And I would like to say something: I, too, wish we had a second bathroom, but… while we’re all sharing, could you please try to remember to leave the toilet seat down?

Tom Hanks: Don’t look at me!

Alec Baldwin: I didn’t do it!

AMartin Short: [ proudly ] I go in the sink!

Justin Timberlake: This place is the BEST! I love being a Five-Timer!

Candice Bergen: Well, then… why don’t you just take advantage of it?

Justin Timberlake: Make it official?

Candice Bergen: That’s right.

Justin Timberlake: We got a great show. EVERYBODY is here! So stick around, we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Justin Timberlake: 03/09/13: Goodnights



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 38: Episode 16






12p: Justin Timberlake

Goodnights

……Justin Timberlake

Justin Timberlake: Uh — Thank you to Jay-Z, Dan Aykroyd, Alec Baldwin, Candace Bergen, Chevy Chase, Tom Hanks, Steve Martin, Andy Samberg, Martin Short and Paul Simon! What a showwwww!!

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Justin Timberlake: 03/09/13: It’s a Date



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 38: Episode 16
















12p: Justin Timberlake

It’s a Date

Dirk Ellington…..Bill Hader
Judy Peterman…..Vanessa Bayer
Bachelor #1…..Bobby Moynihan
Singer #1…..Andy Samberg
Singer #2…..Justin Timberlake
Yortuk Festrunk…..Dan Aykroyd
Georg Festrunk…..Steve Martin

Announcer: Welcome to “It’s a Date”! The ONLY dating game show still on TV! Now, here’s your host — Dirk Ellington!

Dirk Ellington: [ running out ] Hello, everybody! And welcome to “It’s a Date”! I’m Dirk Ellington, and I feel AWFUL! But enough about me. Let’s meet our lovely bchelorette! She’s a nurse from Bayport, with a penchant for making muffins — please welcome Judy Peterman!

[ reveal Judy ]

Judy Peterman: Hey, Dirk! I’m happy to be here!

Dirk Ellington: Alright, let’s meet tonight’s bachelors! And, remember: Our audience can see them, but none of our contestants can see each other. First up: He’s an architect looking to build a lasting relationship; Please welcome Bachelor #1!

[ reveal Bachelor #1 ]

Bachelor #1: Hi, Judy! Uh — I can’t see you, but your voice sounds lovely.

Judy Peterman: Ohhh! That’s sweet!

Dirk Ellington: [ chuckling facetiously ] Uh, next up, we actually have a duo. They’re best friends with pipes as smooth as baby butt lotion; Please welcome Bachelors #2!

[ reveal the “Dick in a Box” singers, in their first live setting ]

Singer #1: [ smoothly ] Hey, girl! [ smooth R&B music plays ] You sound like a real Tenderoni!”

Singer #2: “Tenderoni!”

Singer #1: “So come and take a ride with us…”

Judy Peterman: Wow! TWO bachelors for the price of ONE! How unexpected!

Dirk Ellington: Oh, it sure is! Now, let’s meet our final contestant… Oh, that’s weird — it’s also a duo! They’re brothers originally from Czechoslavakia; Please welcome Bachelors #3!

[ reveal the Festrunk Brothers swinging and dancing ]

Yortuk Festrunk: Hellooooo, female American fox! I am Yortuk Festrunk, and now you will meet my brother Georg!

Georg Festrunk: Yo! Your swinging dream dates have finally arrived for YOU!

Yortuk Festrunk: So get ready to take a hike! Because we are…

Together: Two wild and crazy guys!

Bachelor #1: [ concerned ] I’m sorry… should I have brought a buddy?

Dirk Ellington: No, you’re good! You’re good! Let’s begin. Judy, the floor is yours.

Judy Peterman: Okay! Bachelor #1: Describe your perfect date.

Bachelor #1: Uhhh — well, I guess we would start out with cocktails at the peninsula, and then we would get naughty and skip right to dessert… [ he chuckles nervously ] And then, after that, we would just take a stroll in the moonlight.

Judy Peterman: [ unenthused ] That sounds okay. Bachelors #2: Same question.

Singer #1: Our day would go down like this. Listen: [ sexy music plays ]”First thing we’d do, is take you shopping.”

Singer #2: “Oo-oo-ooh, down at the mall.”

Singer #1: “Then lay you down slow and do you right.”

Singer #2: “Both of us railin’ on your BUTT!”

Singer #1: “Romance!”

Dirk Ellington: Sooooo, to recap: They would take you to the mall… and rail… on your BUTT! How does that sound, Judy?

Judy Peterman: [ laughing ] I don’t hate it!

Bachelor #1: [ stunned ] Seriously?

Judy Peterman: Okay, Bachelors #3: Your perfect date?

Yortuk Festrunk: Okay, Chief! Time to shoot the breeze!

Georg Festrunk: First on the date, we will have many bottles of sparkly wine… from Long Island!

Yortuk Festrunk: Then! Hold your horses, buddy! Because it’s time for a personal ride in our own stretch limousine!

Georg Festrunk: Which we own… for work.

Yortuk Festrunk: Next thing you are knowing… you will want NO CLOTHES with us!

Georg Festrunk: And we’ll all night — we’ll spend the night next to your BIG American breasts!

Dirk Ellington: Judy? Thoughts?

Judy Peterman: Well, they’re very direct! And, these days, that’s refreshing!

Dirk Ellington: Well, I find that answer refreshing!

Bachelor #1: [ matter-of-factly ] Oh, I’m going to lose.

Dirk Ellington: Next question!

Judy Peterman: Bachelor #1: What’s your favorite place on Earth?

Bachelor #1: Well, I love the ice skating rink in Akron, whrre I grew up —

Judy Peterman: No. I don’t like that. [she clears her throat ] Bachelors #2: It’s raining out, and we have to stay in. Describe a night at home with me.

Singer #1: Hit it! [ sexy music plays ] “It’s raining out…”

Bachelor #1: [ flummoxed ] Were you guys given the questions beforehand?

Singer #2: “Oo-oo-ooh, soaking WET!”

Singer #1: “We dry you off with an old rug.”

Singer #2: “It’s softerthan it sounds!”

Singer #1: “We’ll get into bed, and watch, our favorite cartoon.
I’m talkin’ ’bout:”

Singer #2: “Hewey..”

Singer #1: “AND!”

Singer #2: “Dewey…”

Singer #1: “AND!”

Singer #2: “Louie!”

Singer #1: “Duck Tales!”

Singer #2: “Whoo-ooh!”

Judy Peterman: Wow! That sounds fun and not creepy! Okay! Third bachelors: What’s your best attribute?

Yortuk Festrunk: Okay! Do you know, Judy, what a package is? Ours is so big, you will ENJOY to SEE THEM!!

Georg Festrunk: Don’t worry, Hoss! You can’t miss…

Together: OUR BUL-GES!!

Dirk Ellington: Judy! Care to comment?

Judy Peterman: Well, they’re a little crass… but they are from another country, and I’m sure theu mean well.

Dirk Ellington: Oh, it could be. Guys, how long have you lived in America?

Together: Thirty-seven years!

Dirk Ellington: Still got those accents, huh?

Georg Festrunk: Don’t mention it!

[ they crack up laughing ]

Dirk Ellington: Alright, Judy, it’s, uh, back to you.

Judy Peterman: Okay. Bachelors #2: What’s your favorite season, and why?

Singer #1: We thought you’d never ask.

[ sexy music plays ]

Singer #2: “Girls can’t get preg-nant in the summertime!”

Singer #1: “It’s a known fact!”

Singer #2: “Yeah!”

Singer #1: “And that’s that!”

Singer #2: “Ohhhhh, ladies can’t get preg-nant in the summertime!”

Singer #1: “So throw away that Jimmy hat, girl!”

[ they pull a roll of condoms from their pockets and drop them to the floor ]

Together: “Science!!”

Judy Peterman: [ excited ] That was great! Um — do another!

Singer #1: If you insist. [ fast up-tempo music plays ] “There’s a brand new fad that’s sweeping the nation!”

Singer #2: “It’s called Smoke & Crack!”

Singer #1: “Guaranteed to get the party started!”

Singer #2: “No, no side effects!”

Singer #1: “Stay in achool!”

Dirk Ellington: Wait, wait, guys… I’m just gonna stop you right there, guys. I know for a fact there IS a side effect from smoking crack. [ a beat ] It’s called FUN!!

Bachelor #1: I’m sorry… but I think you skipped me?

Dirk Ellington: Shut up! No time. Judy, uh, who’s your final pick? Will it be Bachelor Number…?

Judy Peterman: [ quickly ] I choose 2 and 3 and NOT 1!

Dirk Ellington: Yeahhhhh, that tracks! Let’s have our winners come out and MEET JUDY!!

[ both sets of bachelors swagger down upon the stage ]

Singer #1: Hit it!

Singer #2: “Hoo-wee!”

Singer #1: “You know, we had a great time on this dumb-ass show!”

Singer #2: “‘Cuz we formed a tremendous alliance.”

Yortuk Festrunk: Now we will swing with this American fox!

Georg Festrunk: I can’t believe you guys are not BLACK!

Singer #1: That happens a lot…

Singer #2: Yeah, we get that all the time.

Yortuk Festrunk: And what’s with that singing?

Singer #2: “We’ve had two-ways, three-ways…”

Together: “About to have FIVE!”

Altogether: ‘Cuz we are four wild and crazy guyyyyyyyssss!!!”

Judy Peterman: And Judy!

[ title card appears, as Dirk struts across the stage ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts