Category:

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 38: Episode 6

12f: Louis C.K. / fun.

Hotel Fees

Clerk…..Louis C.K.
Businessman…..Bobby Moynihan
Thief…..Fred Armisen

[ open on interior, front desk, Hotel 55 ]

Clerk: Yes, Sir. Can I help you?

Businessman: Uh, I’m checking out of Room 809, please.

Clerk: Yes, Sir. Was everything satisfactory?

Businessman: Uhhh… yeah. Look, I’m sorry — I’m in a hurry, I’m running late for a flight, so… if w could just speed this up?

Clerk: Yes, Sir. Was everything satisfactory? And I just need to review your accounts and then have you sign the incidentals.

Businessman: That’s fine.

Clerk: One night at ou standard rate: $119.

Businessman: Yes.

Clerk: State tax comes to $9.52.

Businessman: Okay.

Clerk: Facility fee: $15.

Businessman: It’s fine. I don’t care! I just need to get to tge airport, so if you could just put it on the credit card that you have on file…

Clerk: We don’t want to overcharge you, Sir. Three-minute phone call: $4.22.

Businessman: Okay. Sounds right.

Clerk: One dinner buffet billed to the room: $15.

Businessman: Sure!

Clerk: One glass of wine with the buffet: $9.

Businessman: okay, this all sounds fine, but I REALLY have to go, I have a cab waiting!

Clerk: Only a few more charges to review. One night of Internet access: $7.95. Six diamonds: $75,000. Daily newspaper: $1.50…

Businessman: I’m sorry — what did you say about diamonds?

Clerk: Six pristine Bengali diamonds, Sir hand-delivered on a pillow of the finest Oriental silk: $75,000. Newspaper: $1.50…

Businessman: Okay, I-I… I didn’t order six diamonds.

Clerk: Then, I’ll remove the charge, Sir. This is why it’s very important to review the bill.

Businessman: Thank you.

Clerk: Okay. Booking fee: $12.

Businessman: Yes.

Clerk: Occupancy tax: $1.

Businessman: Okay.

Clerk: Safe fee: $3.

Businessman: Weird, but… sure. Look, I’m sorry — I REAL have to go!

Clerk: Did you have Room Service for breakfast?

Businessman: Yeah, I… I had the Sunshine Combo?

Clerk: The Sunshine Combo. Half a grapefruit, two eggs…

Businessman: The Combo, yes.

Clerk: …A breafast meat, your choice of coffee or orange juice…

Businessman: Yes! The Combo!

Clerk: …Hash brown potatoes…

Businessman: Yes!

Clerk: $9.95, Sir.

Businessman: That’s great.

Clerk: A toothbrush…

Businessman: I’m sorry? You charge for that?

Clerk: It’s complimentary, but we do list it on the receipt.

Businessman: I see.

Clerk: Two aspirin: $2. A suit pressed: $18. Sixteen cubmic meters of argon: $65.

Businessman: Okay, I’m sorry — what was that last thing?

Clerk: Argon, Sir. It’s a noble gas.

Businessman: Yeah. I — I didn’t get any argon.

Clerk: It’s a colorless, odorless gas, Sir. How can you be entirely sure?

Businessman: I guess I don’t know!

Clerk: A bottle of water: $2. Housekeeping gratuity: $4. Excuse me, Sir, but did you remove the taxidermied bobcat from your room?

Businessman: I’m sorry? The what?

Clerk: The medium-sized stuffed mountain lion obn the mantel. Many customers msitake it for their own and they pack it by accident.

Businessman: No. [ he holds up a small bag ] I just have this little guy. I don’t think it would fit.

Clerk: Are you quite sure, Sir? The maid has reported it missing from your room, and, in this case, there would be a charge incurred.

Businessman: How much?

Clerk: Twelve cents.

Businessman: That’s fine. Just charge me for the bobcat.

Clerk: You could just return it, Sir.

Businessman: I don’t have it. I didn’t… I didn’t even see it in the room…

Clerk: Very well, Sir. That charge will stand. In-room entertainment package: $119,000.

Businessman: I just watched “The Avengers”. It was, like, $7.

Clerk: Yes, Sir. There is an option where you can choose to either pay $7 or $119,000.

Businessman: Okay. Then, I picked $7.

Clerk: Very well, Sir. You’d be the first one to choose that price.

Businessman: I… find that hard to believe.

[ suddenly, a Thief breeze past with the taxidermied bobcat in his hands ]

Businessman: Wait, wait… isn’t that your…? Okay, I do NOT have time for that at all.

Clerk: Visit with our tax advisor?

Businessman: That did not happen.

Clerk: He may have peeked in while you were sleeping.

Businessman: Uh… that creeps me out, but I didn’t notice him.

Clerk: But he’ll be very disappointed to hear that. But I’ll remove the charge. Would you like to donate $1 for the Relief Fund for Hurricane Sandy Victims?

Businessman: Sure!

Clerk: $1. That’s very generous, Sir.

Businessman: Whart? I mean… you suggested it…

Clerk: Okay, your receipt is printing.

Businessman: I don’t need a receipt.

Clerk: Nearly printed. [ he glances at the printer as it rattles ] And it’s jammed, Sir. I’ll print you another.

Businessman: That’s okay. Don’t worry about it. [ he glances at his watch ] And look at that, I’ve missed my flight!

Clerk: Will you be needing lodging tonight, Sir?

Businessman: Yes, please.

Clerk: Alright. Let’s go through that…

[ they crack up laughing, as the scene fades ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 38: Episode 6

12f: Louis C.K. / fun.

Goodnights

…..Louis C.K.

Lous C.K.: Thanks to fun.! Thanks to Lorne. Thanks to Davey. Thanks to Janet and the whole crew here, they’re great people! The cast, every single one of them! Thank you, New York City, for everything! Thank you very much! Good night!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 38: Episode 6

12f: Louis C.K. / fun.

Fox and Friends

Steve Doocy…..Taran Killam
Gretchen Carlson…..Vanessa Bayer
Brian Kilmeade…..Bobby Moynihan
Donald Trump…..Jason Sudeikis
Dave Pryor…..Louis C.K.

AnnouncerBrian Kilmeade: You’re watching “Fox & Friends”.

Steve DoocyBrian Kilmeade: Welcome back to “Fox & Friends”, I’m Steve Doocy. Joining me as always — Gretchen Carlson and Brian Kilmeade.

Gretchen Carlson: Hello.

Brian Kilmeade: Good morning.

Steve Doocy: Well, we are on day seven of the recovery after Hurricane Sandy, the worst disaster the country has ever seen. All taking place under the Obama administration.

Gretchen Carlson: It’s amazing, we’re now hearing that Obama knew about the storm days in advance!

Steve Doocy: And he did nothing to stop it!

Brian Kilmeade: It’s terrible! My car is completely underwater.

Gretchen Carlson: Is your street flooded?

Brian Kilmeade: No, I was texting while driving and I went straight into the Hudson.

Steve Doocy: You gotta be careful out there. Joining us now, it’s our regular Monday guest — Donald Trump.

Donald Trump: Hi, guys! Hi there! I’m very, very happy to have you to have me on your show. Okay. I tweeted about it, so get ready for a giant spike in your ratings.

Steve Doocy: Alright! Mr. Trump, you’ve been doing so many great things for this city during this crisis.

Donald Trump: Thank you, Steve. It’s been a terrible tragedy, but I wanna put all of New Yorkers minds at ease: Hurricane Sandy has in no way affected the shooting of this year’s “Celebrity Apprentice: All Stars”.

Gretchen Carlson: That is such a relief, Donald. Now, last week you said you’d give 5 million dollars to charity if President Obama released his college transcripts. But the president missed your deadline.

Donald Trump: That’s right, Gretchen. So I’m here to make another exclusive bombshell announcement. I have it on good authority from an African national that I met at a Rainforest Cafe that President Obama has been texting with some of the world’s top terrorists including: Abu Nazir, Jafar and the Riddler.

Gretchen Carlson: Wow! That is so…

Steve Doocy: Hold on, Donald. Aren’t those fictional characters?

Donald Trump: Well, if they are, then release the records, Mr. President! It’s that easy! If you do, I will give one million dollars to my charity — “Trump’s Buddies” — which pay inner city kids to throw garbage at Rosie O’Donnell.

Gretchen Carlson: You are amazingly generous, Mr. Trump. Let’s hope the president believes in charity more than his own lies.

Brian Kilmeade: I love charity! I recently donated $500 dollars to the WNBA and in return they gave me seats to the game.

Gretchen Carlson: I think you might have just bought tickets, Brian.

Brian Kilmeade: I don’t know.

Steve Doocy: Well, if you’re still picking up after Sandy, we here at Fox have been helping you out this week with our hurricane tips. Here to help us is a deputy for the Federal Emergency Management Agency – Dave Pryor. [ Dave steps out ] Welcome, Dave, nice to meet you. [ Dave shakes hands with Steve and Gretchen, Brian just waves his hand at him ] He doesn’t shake, have a seat.

Dave Pryor: Okay.

Steve Doocy: Thanks for coming, Dave. What do people need to know if their power is still out or their homes are flooded?

Donald Pryor: Well, the first thing you wanna do is avoid standing in flood waters because they can be contaminated with oil and rust sewage…

Steve Doocy: [ interrupting ] Absolutely! Or sharks or AIDS.

Dave Pryor: No, not sharks or AIDS. That’s…

Brian Kilmeade: What about piranhas with AIDS? Which I call “par-ades”?

Dave Pryor: No. But the bottom line is: If your neighbourhood is flooded, just stay inside…

Gretchen Carlson: [ Interrupting ] Okay, now, right, I heard that if you have a pet, don’t take it outside to do his business, just wrap it in a towel and squeeze it like a tube of toothpaste.

Dave Pryor: Okay, well, um… also keep a flashlight and water handy…

Steve Doocy: Yes, but don’t put the flashlight in the water. Brian found that out the hard way.

Brian Kilmeade: Ha, ha, ha! I was playing submarine in my bathtub and I ended up in the ER — but watch what happens when I touch my fingers. [ he touches his index fingers together and an electric sound is heard ]

Dave Pryor: Also: If you lose power, please get rid of your perishable food.

Gretchen Carlson: Or give your food to charity.

Dave Pryor: No, no, no! Not if it’s perishable. You have to throw it away.

Steve Doocy: Well, but you know what they say: It’s better to drink spoiled milk than no milk at all.

Dave Pryor: Nobody says that at all. That’s a terrible, irresponsible…

Brian Kilmeade: I threw out my milk and now I dunk my cookies in shampoo.

Dave Pryor: Just remember: If you’re having problems after Sandy, please call the FEMA hotline.

Steve Doocy: You know what? Or better yet, a local business person. Folks, remember: The government ALWAYS makes things worse!

Brian Kilmeade: Always, absolutely!

Dave Pryor: But that’s not the government… that’s me…

Steve Doocy: Well, thanks for coming, Dave, we appreciate it.

Dave Pryor: Oh, okay. [ He gets up and leaves ]

Steve Doocy: Alright! We have to take a quick break.

Gretchen Carlson: But, first, our fact checkers have finished combing over the first two hours of the show, and we have a few corrections.

[ text quickly scrolls up the screen:

Transitions lenses do not reverse the gender of your eyes.

Sandy Duncan did not sponsor the hurricane.

There are many black people, not just one who is a master of disguise.

Brian Kilmeade did not invent the term “smoke’em if you got’em”.

Not all pigs are born with human feet.

Angela Merkel is not the female version of Steve Urkel.

It is permissible to say the word “Mexican” on television.

There is no celebrity named Rape Romano.

Condoms work every day of the week. Not just Tuesdays.

Trees do not have bones.

There are a finite number of people in China.

Burritos are not male tacos.

The Constitution is a living document, but it cannot walk around.

Chef Boyardee is not the Prime Minister of Italy. He is the Vice President.

Paul Ryan is not faster than a cheetah.

FEMA is not slang for “female”.

Many Hispanics own their own cars.

The Statue of Liberty was not a gift from Santa.

At no point has Dorf been the number one golfer in the world.

Lance Armstrong did not trade a testicle for steroids.

Michael J. Fox does not have “multiple sandwiches”.

Apple Maps is not a map showing where the apples are.

8 is a multiple of 4.

Women’s vaginas are below their waists.

Kris Krostie is not Chris Christie with his pants on backwards.

Afi Komen was never the U.N. Secretary General.

“Haitian” does not mean half-Asian.

Last Wednesday was Halloween. Not a ghost invasion.

Mr. Met has never announced a preference for any religion over the other.

Chef Boyardee is not the Vice President of Italy. ]

Brian Kilmeade: We’ll see you after this quick break.

[ fade ]

Sumbitted by: Raul

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 38: Episode 6


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:

Bit Players:


November 3rd, 2012

Louis C.K.

Fun.

None

None

None
Press ConferenceSummary: Following the aftermath of Hurricane Sandy, New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg (Fred Armisen) and New Jersey Governor Chris Christie (Bobby Moynihan) give a status report as their sign-language interpretors (Cecily Strong, Nasim Pedrad) provide wild, overexaggerated hand gestures.

Recurring Characters: Mike Bloomberg, Chris Christie.

Transcript

Montage

Louis C.K.’s MonologueSummary: Louis C.K. performs stand-up about an old lady he helped out at the airport.

Transcript

Fox and FriendsSummary: Steve Doocy (Taran Killam), Gretchen Carlson (Vanessa Bayer) and Brian Kilmeade (Bobby Moynihan) offer clumsy hurricane safety tips and chat with a FEMA worker (Louis C.K.).

Recurring Characters: Steve Doocy, Gretchen Carlson, Brian Kilmeade, Donald Trump.

Transcript

LincolnSummary: In a parody of Louis C.K.’s sitcom, Abraham Lincoln (Louis C.K.) performs stand-up routines based on his daily observations as the President of the United States.

Transcript

Australian Screen LegendsSummary: A series of film clips documents the career of Tedd DAvies (Kate McKinnon) and Graham Dixon (Bill Hader), until Dixon breaks out to co-star exclusively with John Chisolm (Louis C.K.).

Fun. performs “Some Nights”

Weekend Update with Seth MeyersSummary: Mitt Romney (Jason Sudeikis) makes his final argument to voters. Social Media expert Kourtney Barnes (Aidy Bryant) discusses online reaction to the Presidential election. The Girl You Wish You Hadn’t Started A Conversation With At A Party (Cecily Strong) attempts to discuss the Presidential election and Hurricane Sandy.

Recurring Characters: Mitt Romney, The Girl You Wish You Hadn’t Started A Conversation With At A Party.

Mountain PassSummary: Tylor (Louis C.K.) disturbs mountain dwellers while blowing a horn as a signal for Zord (Fred Armisen).

Hotel FeesSummary: Businessman (Bobby Moynihan) is anxious to check out of his hotel as the Clerk (Louis C.K.) itemizes every last detail of his bill.

Transcript

Fun. performs “Carry On”

Last CallSummary: Drunken Dan Pants (Louis C.K.) and Sheila Sovage (Kate McKinnon) hit if off after they’re the last singles left in the bar at closing time.

Recurring Characters: Sheila Sovage.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

Dress Rehearsal Cuts

A Message from the President of the United StatesSummary: President Barack Obama (Jay Pharoah) attempts to politicize Hurricane Sandy in order to win votes in Ohio.

Recurring Characters: President Barack Obama.

The VoiceSummary: The celebrity judges are overenthusiastic for a contestant (Louis C.K.) who barely wants to be there.

Recurring Characters: Carson Daly, Shakira, Cee Lo Green.

Note: This sketch would air later in the season in the episode hosted by Melissa McCarthy.

Roundball RockSummary: At a 1990 meeting with NBC Sports, John Tesh (Jason Sudeikis) and his brother Dave (Tim Robinson) perform “Roundball Rock” with unnecessarily loud lyrics.

Note: This sketch would air later in the season in the episode hosted by Vince Vaughn.

The Drawing ShowSummary: Children’s host (Louis C.K.) lashes out at the kids in his audience who don’t appreciate his inept drawing skills.

Cologne KillerSummary: Cologne pitchman (Louis C.K.) is actually a serial killer and a master of disguises.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 38: Episode 5


]]>

12e: Bruno Mars

Weekend Update with Seth Meyers

…..Seth Meyers
Stefon…..Bill Hader

Announcer: “Weekend Update”, with Seth Meyers.

Seth Meyers: Good evening, I’m Seth Meyers! Here are tonight’s top stories:

This Tuesday was the second Presidential debate. Said President Obama, “Second?? Oh, crap!”

A new Gallup poll shows that Mitt Romney now has a 7 point lead on President Obama. That’s right — Romney leads by 7 points among people who still answer landline calls from a blocked number. Those people!

Both Republicans and Democrats are saying that Latino voters will decide who wins in three key states: Colorado, Florida and Nevada. Or, as the candidates are now calling them: [ in Spanish accent ] Colorado, Florida y Nevada. Bueno! Bueno!

A new poll shows that mitt Romney has a massive 22 point lead over President Obama among rural voters in battleground states. Rural voters say they can’t really put their finger on it… but there’s something about Romney that just seems right… probably just a feeling. [ split-screen photos of Romney and Obama slowly jump to close-ups of their skin ] Just a feeling!

Reality TV star Honey Boo Boo, this week, endorsed President Obama during an appearance on “The Jimmy Kimmel Show”. I knew Obama was pro-birth control, but I didn’t know birth control was pro-Obama.

During a debate Wednesday between New York Senator Kirsten Gillibrand and her opponent Wendy Long, moderators asked both women if they had read “Fifty Shades of Grey”. Even worse, the follow up question was, [ slyly ] “…to each other?”

Seth Meyers: The third and final Presidential Debate is Monday ight in Boca Raton, Florida. With the race dead-even, both candidates are looking for a performance that will shift the momentum in their favor. We thought we’d help out with a few “Debate Dos and Don’ts”.

[ title card appears ]

Alright, here we go! Do: Speak loudly and clearly. You’re in Boca Raton, Florida. Their city motto is: “Say It In My Good Ear.”

Don’t keep telling us stories about people you mt at your rally who happen to agree with your positions. That’s like Bret Michaels saying, “At my last concert, someone yelled “Poison Rules!””

Mr. President, this one’s just for you: Don’t mention killing Osama bin Laden any more. It was great and all, but Americans have a short attention span. At this point, saying you killed bin Laden is like saying you won the second season of “American Idol”.

And, Obama: Do talk down to the American people. Stop assuming we know the issues as well as you. Most of us are dummies. Haldf the country thinks ObamaCare is who we call when our iPad stops working.

Mitt Romney: Do mention that you saved the Olympics, but Don’t mention that it was the Winter Olympics. The Summer Olympics are a grand spectacle of sport; the Winter Olympics is just 48 different kinds of sliding.

Don’t smile so much. Your normal facial expression already looks like you’re shaming a waiter. When you smile, it looks like you’re about to tell your dad it’s time to move into a home — and remember, you’re in Boca.

Also, TV networks: Don’t televise the post-debate stage hugs and milling about. It looks like the lights just came on at America’s most boring nightclub.

Announcer: This has been “Dos and Don’ts”.

Seth Meyers: Residents of Brooklyn who live near the new Barclays Center are complaining that large numbers of people have been urinating on the streets and behind buildings after Brooklyn Nets games — and also for the last 200 years.

New research shows that giving teenage girls HPV vaccinations does not encourage them to have sex. “Then what does?” said teenage boys. “What does?”

A plan has been proposed for a new bridge across the Seine River in Paris that would be made out of trampolines. And the only way that could go wrong is immediately.

A professor at the University of New Mexico has developed a dissolvable mouth strip that can relieve the pain caused when a person burns the top of their mouth eating pizza. Finally, a scientific alternative to waiting a minute. Just wait a minute! One minute!

Seth Meyers: Well, it’s almost Halloween in New York City, which means millions of tourists will be heading here to see what fun the Big Apple has to offer. Here with some tips on what they should check out, is our City Correspondent — Stefon!

Stefon: Hi! I’m Stefon. [ he holds out his hand to Seth ]

Seth Meyers: Yeah, I know! Okay, Stefon — Halloween. Always a big deal in New York. So, why don’t you tell us about some of the best spots for people to check out?

Stefon: Yes. If you need to get a spot checked out, I know just the place for you. New York’s hottest club is… [ deep-voiced ] Jelly Bones! Located on the Lower Upper Side… this random home invasion is the creation of legally-drunk clothing designer Nick Nolte and Gabana. As you walk in, you’ll be handed a glass of champagne — or is it piss? [ he covers his mouth ] Needless to say, this place has EVERYTHING: Slurpies, Mushmouthes, Litterbugs… Don’t worry about security, because it’s guarded by an army of hobo-cops.

Seth Meyers: Hobo-cops?

Stefon: Homeless Robocops! [ he covers his mouth ]

Seth Meyers: Look, Stefon, that sounds like a kind of heavy-duty scene. I was, you know, just looking for something a little more traditional.

Stefon: Mmm-hmm…!

Seth Meyers: You know, uh… you know what? Maybe this will help keep it on track. Why don’t you walk us through whart you will do on Halloween?

Stefon: Uh — what I do on Halloween? Uh, starting when?

Seth Meyers: Well, let’s say… seven at night.

Stefon: 7 p.m. Okay. Sooo… I wake up… I go home… I take a shower… [ he mimes this act ] Now, my dog — Bark Ruffalo — probably hasn’t eaten yet, so I feed him…

Seth Meyers: Yeah, but where do you go when you go out?

Stefon: Ohhh, right. I’ll tell you what… New York’s hottest Halloween party is: [ he cowers down and growls twice ] Located in an abandoned white fish factory in Little Israel… this place is gonna have EVERYTHING: Ghosts, ghouls, goblins… my son! [ he covers his mouth ] On the dance floor, you’ll find both guys from Wham! wearing a two-man horse costume. Spoiler alert: They’re both in the back. And there’s a special guest. Have you heard of Blacula, the Black Dracula?

Seth Meyers: Yes!

Stefon: Well, they have a Jewish Dracula.

Seth Meyers: Oh. What’s his name?

Stefon: Sidney Appelbaum! [ he cracks up and covers his face with his hands ]

Seth Meyers: Sidney Appelbaum?

Stefon: [ cracking up ] Yes! [ he continues to crack up, then finally composes himself ] For a healthy snack, hit the bar and have some Fraisins — raisins that look like Frasier! Or try your luck with the Human Pinata.

Seth Meyers: And what is the Human Pinata?

Stefon: It’s that thing of when a Mexican midget eats a lot of candy, and then he dances until he throws up! [ he covers his face with his hands ]

Seth Meyers: You know, uh, Stefon… I think “midget” is actually an outdated term.

Stefon: Sorry. Not “midget” — [ making finger quotes” “Fun-sized”! [ he covers his face with his hands ]

Seth Meyers: Stefon… I was looking for something more WHOLESOME for Halloween. You know, a haunted house or a place to hear ghost stories.

Stefon: Oh, I know a story with a ghost in it!

Seth Meyers: Is it a Halloween-related story?

Stefon: Yes’m!

Seth Meyers: Okay.

Stefon: Can I have the lights down, please? [ the lights dim ] Oooooohhhhhh! “A long, long, long time ago — like, say… six minutes ago — there was once an old house. And in that house, there lived an old gay man that people called Slimerrrrr!”

Seth Meyers: Why did they call him “Slimer”?

Stefon: [ as the lights pot up ] Well, if you recall in the film “Ghostbusters”, Slimer was able to hold — shall we say? — multiple hot dogs in his mouth at one time!

Seth Meyers: Oh, I understand it! Stop! I understand it — stop!

Stefon: If you understood, you wouldn’t want it to stop!

Seth Meyers: I do understand, and I DO want it to stop! I DO understand… and I DO want it to stop!

Stefon: Alright!

Seth Meyers: I understand; YOU don’t understand!

Stefon: Good — no, I FULLY understand!

Seth Meyers: Now, I know thart you have tried your best, Stefon, and I just want to thank you for sharing those Halloween tips, buddy.

Stefon: Don’t you want to hang out on Halloween?

Seth Meyers: You know what? I do. I’ll pick you up at 7:00. Where do you live?

Stefon: You know the Radio Shack at 23rd and 7th?

Seth Meyers: Yes!

Stefon: I live in a garbage can.

Seth Meyers: Stefon, everybody! For “Weekend Update”, I’m Seth Meyers! Good night!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 38: Episode 5

12e: Bruno Mars

Merryville Haunted Castle

Kelly…..Vanessa Bayer
Peter…..Jay Pharoah
Robots…..Taran Killam, Bruno Mars, Bill Hader, Tom Hanks
Repairman…..Bobby Moynihan

[ open on exterior footage of amusement park ]

[ dissolve to interior, Merry-Go-Trolley ride, as a couple rolls through ]

Kelly: Peter, you promise this isn’t going to be too scary? I hate haunted houses.

Peter: [ chuckling ] Come on, Kelly. The Merryville Haunted Castle is a kid’s ride. Nothing’s gonna happen. [ a beat ] BOO!! [ he chuckles ]

Kelly: Peter, DON’T do that!

Peter: I’m sorry, Sweetie. Hey, look. [ he points ] It’s the Merryville Brothers!

[ two Merry-Go-Brother robots rise with horns and a tambourine to perform in an eerie manner ]

Jingle: “Ghosts and ghouls and spooky fools will terrify your dreams! You can’t escape the scary fate of a Merryville Halloween!”

[ third robot rises to bang a triangle with a collective “BOO-OO-OO!!”, then they all lower back behind the wall ]

Peter: [ laughing ] Those guys crack me up!

Kelly: Well, they creep me out.

Peter: Okay, Miss Scaredy-Pants.

[ suddenly, the ride shorts out ]

Kelly: What was that?

Peter: I don’t know.

[ Repairman enters ]

Repairman: Hey — sorry, folks. We’re just having a little texchnical issue with the generator. But, don’t worry — [ he shines the flashlight in his face ] We’ll… take… good CARRRRE… of you![ he laughs maniacally ] Okay, hang tight!

[ he exits ]

Kelly: That was weird. Why did he do that?

Peter: Baby, it’s fine, okay?

[ suddenly, the two Merry-Go-Brother robots rise again and perform in an eerie manner ]

Kelly: Oh, no…

Jingle: “Ghosts and ghouls and spooky fools will terrify your dreams! You can’t escape the scary fate of a Merryville Halloween!”

[ third robot rises to bang a triangle with a collective “BOO-OO-OO!!”, then they all stare at the couple ]

Kelly: [ uneasy ] Why are they staring at us?

Peter: Babe, how can they stare at us? They’re not even — they’re robots! Come on!

Kelly: Okay, that one’s smoking.

[ reveal second robot holding a lit cigarette ]

Peter: [ scoffing ] He’s probably on break, okay? Hey! Hey! [ he tosses popcorn at the robots ] Get out of here!

Kelly: Don’t do that! You’re gonna make them mad! You’re gonna — you’re gonna make them MAD right now, okay?

[ the first robots points at Peter, then runs his finger across his neck as all three robots lower back behind the wall ]

Kelly: [ freaking out ] Oh, my God! Did you see that?!

Peter: Yeahhhh. They went down. The ride’s probably fixed.

[ suddenly, the two Merry-Go-Brother robots rise again, armed with knives, and perform in an eerie manner, reaching out to almost touch the couple ]

Jingle: “Ghosts and ghouls and spooky fools will terrify your dreams! You can’t escape the scary fate of a Merryville Halloween!”

Kelly: Oh, my God! They’re trying to KILL US!!

Peter: I — I — I don’t see it!

Kelly: They have WEAPONS!!

[ third robot rises while revving up a chainsaw, as the robots sing a collective “BOO-OO-OO!!”, then they all stare at the couple ]

Kelly: [ freaking out ] Okay, you know what?! That’s ENOUGH!! We have to get out of here!

Peter: Baby, you’re getting paranoid.

Kelly: Oh, my God! Your name is on that tombstone!

Peter: Peter is a common name.

Kelly: Okay — well, it’s also got your picture!

[ reveal tombstone with Peter’s face on it ]

Repairman: Okay, folks, we’re getting real close on fixing the ride.

Kelly: Okay, hurry up! They’re trying to kill ME and MY BOYFRIEND!

Peter: [ holding his hands up ] Whoa, whoa, whoa… boyfriend? Hey, slow down, we just having fun.

Repairman: [ chuckling ] Ma’am, I assure you — there is nothing to be nervous about. I have worked here for a very long time, and —

[ suddenly, he gasps and falls over, a butcher knife lodged in his spine ]

[ suddenly, the two Merry-Go-Brother robots rise again ]

Kelly: Oh, my God!

Jingle: “Ghosts and ghouls and spooky fools will terrify your dreams! You can’t escape the scary fate of a Merryville Halloween!”

Kelly: Oh, my God, there’s ANOTHER one!

[ a fourth robot appears behind the couple, brandishing pruning shears, then three of the robots lurch toward the couple ]

Kelly: Oh, no! I – just — what do we do?

[ the robots pull Peter from the ride ]

Kelly: Oh, my God! What do we do? Don’t let them take you!

Peter: I’ll meet you outside!

Kelly: Don’t let them take you!

[ the fourth robot sits next to Kelly ]

Kelly: Oh, my God! oh! [ she smiles ] You know what? I know I should be scared… but you have a very lovable face.

Fourth Merryville Brother: I… get that… a lot! [ his hand reaches over to cup her breast ]

Kelly: [ trying to stop him ] Okay!

[ the ride continues down its track, as the camera pans away and a bloody “THE END” superimposes onto the screen with the jingle ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 38: Episode 5

12e: Bruno Mars

Chanel No. 5

Brad Pitt…..Taran Killam

[ card: “Brad Pitt. Pour. Chanel.” ]

[ cut to Brad Pitt, in black-and-white ]

Brad Pitt: It’s not a journey. Every journey ends, but we go on. The world turns, and we turn with it. Plans disappear, and dreams take over. And then dreams wake up and smile at realty… [ he shakes his head ] I’m sorry, is there really no script? ‘Cause I’ve been talking to myself for, like, two hours straight and I’m starting to sound insane. [ he glances off-screen ] What? You want me to sound less coherent? Really? [ he slaps his side ] Okay, uh… I can just start making up words. You like that? Alright. [ he sighs ] “Splindiferous.” Yeah? [ he thinks ] “Magnificous.” “Pintalicious.” Okay, okay, I’m sorry — is it just me, or do I look SUPER homeless? That’s what you want? Rock and roll!

[ dissolve to product, in color ]

Brad Pitt V/O: Chanel No. 5.

[ return to Brad Pitt, in black-and-white ]

Brad Pitt: You’d understand it, buh!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 38: Episode 5

12e: Bruno Mars

Sad Mouse

Mark…..Bruno Mars
Supervisor…..Jason Sudeikis

[ title card: “Sad Mouse” ]

[ cut to Mark crying ]

Mark: …And she said she loved me… but she couldn’t picture me as her husband…! And that was it, man! Six years of my life, gone! and it all went down the same weekend my Dad says he had another family! He had them the whole time! He likes them even more because they’re smarter…! [ he sniffles ]

Supervisor: [ uncomfortable ] Well, uh… well, Matt…

Mark: Mark.

Supervisor: This is gonna be the easiest hundred bucks you ever made. Basically, you just pop on this patriotic mouse costume right here, and then you go out to Times Square tonight, shake hands with people, take a few photos, wave to the tourists — you know, that kind of thing. And then we’ll split your tips, fifty-fifty.

Mark: What if they don’t wave back?

Supervisor: What do you mean? Who doesn’t wave back? What are you talking about?

Mark: In the emotional state that I’m in, if I wave and… and they didn’t wave back, that’s… that’s just gonna be really, really hard. [ he starts crying again ]

Supervisor: You know… you’re overthinking it, buddy! [ he laughs ] I mean, this is just gonna be a fun thing you do where you make a little bread.

Mark: Alright. Alright. I think I can do it…

[ sad piano music plays, as the scene dissolves to Mark dressed as the patriotic mouse walking around Times Square ]

[ he waves to various people, but nobody waves back. They just keep walking down the street. ]

[ a couple has him take a picture of them, though they’re not interested in having their picture taken with him ]

[ a small boy watches as Mark sits dejectedly on the curb ]

[ Mark lifts his mouse head to take a smoke ]

[ he stares desultorily at his girlfriend’s break-up letter, then turns to his Dad’s goodbye letter ]

[ he kicks over a garbage can, then lays on the ground and punches himself in the mouse head as people ignore him ]

[ suddenly, he sees a costumed frog waving to peopel with no response, so he walks over and waves to her ]

[ she waves back, they hug and walk off hand-in-hand ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 38: Episode 5

12e: Bruno Mars

Goodnights

…..Bruno Mars

Bruno Mars: I want to thank Tom Hanks — give it up for Tom Hanks, y’all! I want to thank my fans! The cast! The crew! This has been an AMAZING experience! Lorne Michaels, thank you so much! Ladies and gentlemen, my name is Bruno Mars — until we meet again, good night!

[ Tom Hanks repeatedly mouthes “Bruno Mars!” ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 38: Episode 5

12e: Bruno Mars

Donkey Punch The Ballot

DJ Supersoak…..Jason Sudeikis
Lil’ Blaster…..Nasim Pedrad
MC George Castanza…..Jay Pharoah
Ass Dan…..Bobby Moynihan
Butt Dave…..Bobby Moynihan
Ruth Bader Ginsburg…..Kate McKinnon
Troy Kamanawana…..Bruno Mars

[ open on fiery graphics ]

Announcer: Under-Underground Records is BAAAAAACK!!

[ cut to DJ Supersoak and Lil’ Blaster ]

DJ Supersoak: What up, yo! I’m DJ Supersoak!

Lil’ Blaster: And I’m Lil’ Blaster!

DJ Supersoak: And, believe it or not, it’s already time to elect a NEW-ASS president, yo!

Lil’ Blaster: WHOO WHOO!! And we’re comin’ art you with a special POLITICAL Underground Festival! It’s called…

Announcer: Donkey Punch The Ballot!

[ cut to DJ Supersoak and Lil Blaster ]

DJ Supersoak: With performances from ALL the hottest political rappin’ rock bands!

Announcer: There’s gonna be… GEORGE W’S BUSH! VEIN CRAPITAL! TODD AKIN AND THE LEGITIMATE RAPES! RAGE GAINST THE MACHINE COVER BAND: IRRITATED AT THE PRINTER! And SIXPENCE NONE THE RICHER!

[ explosion ]

DJ Supersoak: But donkey Punch is ALSO about helping people! Here to tell you more is my son — MC George Castanza!

[ cut to MC George Castanza ]

MC George Castanza: Yo! Nowadays, old people got trouble votin’, yo! [ he makes a squeaky sound ] So we got a NEW charity! It’s called…

Announcer: MAKE OLD PEOPLE THINK THEY VOTED!!

MC George Castanza: Yeah! So give us all the old people you know… [ he makes a squeaky sound, then a dinosaur roar ] or we’ll give you:

Announcer: A FIST TO THE TAINT!!

Lil’ Blaster: I like that!

DJ Supersoak: And you know we got some FRESH-ASS special guests for y’all!

Lil’ Blaster: See if you can pick Jon Huntsman out of a line-up of Sears catalog models! [ show line-up ] And you KNOW we got the WHOLE Fox News Team in the house — except for O’Reilly, Hannity, van Susteren, Huckabee and ?? [Smears?]

Announcer: [ over blacked-out group photo ] WE GOT CAVUTO!!

[ DJ Supersoak and Lil Blaster fist-bump ]

Lil Blaster: Ha ha!

DJ Supersoak: Yeah!

[ wipe to DJ Supersoak ]

DJ Supersoak: Yo! You can watch the emotional display as our good friend, Ass Dan, is finally reunited with his twin — Butt Dave.

[ cut to Ass Dan and Butt Dave sitting in front of a van ]

Ass Dan: Yo, Butt! [ he starts weping ] There is something I’ve ALWAYS wanted to ask you! Why…?

[ freeze-frame, with SUPER: “Ass Dan, 1981-2012” ]

Ass! Yo! There’s something wrong with my broth…!

[ freeze-frame, with SUPER: “Butt Dave, 1981-slightly later in 2012” ]

[ cut to Lil’ Blaster ]

Lil’ Blaster: Plus: We got TONS of activities that’ll leave you feeling SORE and HUMILIATED!

DJ Supersoak: The re-enactment of the Lincoln-Douglas Debates — by Linkin Park and Buster Douglas!

Lil’ Blaster: And you can challenge Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg to a Borat Impression-Off!

[ cut to Ruth Bader Ginsurg ]

Ruth Bader Ginsburg: My wife. She is… prostitute.

[ Ginsburg looks around helpessly, then explodes ]

Lil’ Blaster V/O: Then, hire a girl for your company — from our BINDERS FULL OF WOMEN! And here’s the best part about THESE ladies:

Announcer: THEY’RE DUDES!!

[ cut to DJ Supersoak and Lil Blaster ]

DJ Supersoak: Sample our HOMEMADE salami, and see if you can guess the secret ingredient! Here’s a hint:

Announcer: It’s ANN ROMNEY’S HORSE!

DJ Supersoak: I told you to say RAFALCA, Bitch!

Lil’ Blaster: do a job interview with Herman Cain!

Announcer: BRING A CONDOM!!

DJ Supersoak: And the entire festival’s laid out by Apple Maps — so you don’t know the FUCK where anything is!

Lil’ Blaster: All this, plus get a Fake I.D. made by our Hawaiian buddy — Troy Kamanawana!

[ cut to Troy standing in front of American flag ]

Troy Kamanawana: Hey! How’s it? Are you from Africa? Would you like to be the President of the United States? Shoots! I’ll hook you up with one MEAN Hawaiian birth certificate! All you gotta do is SMOKE ME OUT… or TOUCH MY NUTS! [ he yells something unintelligible ]

[ return to DJ Supersoak ]

DJ Supersoak: And you KNOW we got CRACKED OUT ELEPHANTS AND DONKEYS FUCKING ALL OVER THIS BITCH!!!

Lil’ Blaster V/O: Donkey Punch The Ballot takes place ONLY — where else?

Announcer: a KFC IN SYRIA!!

[ explosion ]

Announcer: See you ninjas there!!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts