For Die Hard Saturday Night Live Fans
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 37: Episode 20
Goodnights
…..Eli Manning
Eli Manning: Thanks to Rihanna, Sacha Baron Cohen and Martin Scorcese. Thanks to Lorne Michaels, and everybody for coming out. It was such a great show. The cast, they were unbelievable. THank you all so much for coming out, it’s so awesome!
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 37: Episode 20
Fox and Friends
Steve Doocy…..Taran Killam
Gretchen Carlson…..Vanessa Bayer
Brian Kilmeade…..Bobby Moynihan
Rupert Murdoch…..Fred Armisen
[ opening graphics ]
Announcer: You’re watching “Fox and Friends.”
[ dissolve to the morning show hosts on-set ]
Steve Doocy: Thank you! Welcome back to the third hour of “Fox and Friends.” I’m Steve Doocy, and, joining me as always — Gretchen Carlson and Brian Kilmeade!
Gretchen Carlson: Oh, good morning! [ she laughs ]
Brian Kilmeade: Happy Monday!
Steve Doocy: Did everybody have a good weekend?
Gretchen Carlson: GREAT weekend!
Brian Kilmeade: I finally took the tree down!
Steve Doocy: Oh, great! You know, THAT’S how you fight the liberal war on Christmas — you keep the tree up til May!
Gretchen Carlson: You know, I heard the White House doesn’t even call it a Christmas tree — they call it a “Holiday” tree.
Brian Kilmeade: Oh, man! I had to throw mine out because a raccoon had babies in it!
Steve Doocy: Miracle of life! Well, this week was the one-year anniversary of the death of Osama bin Laden. And shame on President Barack Obama, who is running a campaign ad that argues Mit Romney would not have made the same decision to launch the raid?
Gretchen Carlson: It’s ridiculous! ANYONE would have launched that raid!
Steve Doocy: Absolutely! I mean, name ONE person who wouldn’t have launched that raid!
Brian Kilmeade: I can name one person who wouldnt have launched that raid: Barack Obama!
Steve Doocy: No… Brian…
Gretchen Carlson: No, that doesnt work this time.
Brian Kilmeade: But it always works!
Steve Doocy: Not this time — he already did it. Yeah, no… yep, yep!
Gretchen Carlson: Uh, also — I’m just gonna say something…
Steve Doocy: Uh-oh! Look out! Here she goes!
Gretchen Carlson: How do we know bin Laden is really dead?
Brian Kilmeade: Whoa, there it is!
Gretchen Carlson: I’m serious! Okay? So they say they have pictures. Okay? Well, you can do a lot with Photoshop!
Steve Doocy: Hmm…
Gretchen Carlson: Okay? You can make it look like glaciers are melting.
Steve Doocy: Oh, wow!
Gretchen Carlson: Okay? I once saw a picture of a mountain with four presidents faces on it. OKay? That’s not real!
Steve Doocy: I saw that! Thats not real! That’s not real!
Brian Kilmeade: And, sometimes, people who you think are dead, aren’t dead. I mean, I thought Tupac Shakur was dead, and then I saw he did a concert, why, just last week.
Steve Doocy: No… no… that was a hologram, Brian.
Brian Kilmeade: Uh, but if Tupac was a hologram, the bullet would have gone right through him.
Gretchen Carlson: Hmm… Well, I, for one, hope that Hologram Tupac doesn’t turn to a life of crime.
Brian Kilmeade: Yeah. Sure.
Gretchen Carlson: Because he would be impossible to catch. Alright? [ demonstrating ] I got him! Oh, no — he’s gone!”
Steve Doocy: THat’s a good point. That’s a really good point.
Brian Kilmeade: I don’t know, maybe call the Ghostbusters?
Steve Doocy: Yeah. Alright, moving on… the White House Correspondents Dinner was last week, and there was the President telling jokes again!
Gretchen Carlson: Yeah, he’s always telling jokes!
Steve Doocy: I mean, I guess the President thinks what’s happening to this country is funny?
Brian Kilmeade: Yeah! Ive got a joke for him: What is black and white and lies?
Steve Doocy: Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!
Brian Kilmeade: What?! What’d I do? What? What’s the problem?
Steve Doocy: Brian, do NOT say Barack Obama!
Brian Kilmeade: Oh, I was going to say a panda on Weight Watchers. I mean, black and white and lies: “This bamboo is only six points.” [ he laughs ]
Gretchen Carlson: Well, why were you going to say that?
Brian Kilmeade: I mean, we were just talking about jokes, it popped into my head.. its just so funny!
Steve Doocy: Hmm. Well, one person who’s not laughing this week is Rupert Murdoch, who’s under investigation by British authorities for hacking phones.
Gretchen Carlson: Yeah, so he taped some phone calls. So what?!
Brian Kilmeade: If people didn’t tape phone calls, we never would have had the Jerky Boys!
Steve Doocy: Great point! Great point! Joining us now, live via satellite in London — Rupert Murdoch! Good morning, Rupert!
Rupert Murdoch: [ smiling like a weasel ] Hello, my children!
Brian Kilmeade: Now… you’re in London, correct?
Rupert Murdoch: Correct!
Brian Kilmeade: Now… is it true it’s five hours later there?
Rupert Murdoch: Yes!
Brian Kilmeade: So… you could watch the Yankee game, and then tell us who won before anyone else here knew?
Rupert Murdoch: What?
Steve Doocy: Oh, Brian… please.
Brian Kilmeade: I don’t understand. I bet that’s how he made his fortune, betting on sports!
Steve Doocy: No, no… Alright, now we should disclose that Rupert Murdoch owns Fox News.
Gretchen Carlson: Yeah, and I’d like to disclose that I think Rupert Murdoch is great!
Rupert Murdoch: Thank you.
Steve Doocy: Yeah, and you know, so do I. Why does disclosing have to be so negative?
Gretchen Carlson: Yeah! Right!
Brian Kilmeade: And I should disclose that I don’t quite know what “disclose” means.
Rupert Murdoch: What in the hell is going ON over there?!
Gretchen Carlson: Guys, we’re being rude to our guest. Now, Rupert — what is this parliamentary committee so mad about?
Rupert Murdoch: Oh, they accused me of having a lack of ETHICS!
Steve Doocy: Ooooookay! Here we go again! Affirmative action rears its ugly head again!
Gretchen Carlson: You should only hire an ethnic if you want to hire an ethnic!
Steve Doocy: Absolutely! Absolutely!
Rupert Murdoch: Not “lack of ethnics“! “Lack of ETHICS”! Youre the dumbest people Ive ever met, and Im from Australia!
Steve Doocy: Oh! Australia, huh? “G’day, mate!” [ he laughs ]
Gretchen Carlson: “Top of the morning!” [ she laughs ]
Brian Kilmeade: “Hakuna matata!” [ he laugh and tips an invisible hat ]
Steve Doocy: So what’s next for Rupert Murdoch?
Rupert Murdoch: I’ve made some mistakes, but I’m not gonna let this stop me! I’m gonna continue on with my great Socialist experiment of seeing how misinformed a person can be while hosting a morning news program! [ he laughs ]
Steve Doocy: Oh!
Gretchen Carlson: Well, good luck with that!
Steve Doocy: Yeah, keep us updated!
Brian Kilmeade: [ laughing nervously ] “A panda at Weight Watchers!” [ he laughs ] “Oh, bamboo is only six points — I swear!”
Gretchen Carlson: We’ll take a quick break, but first — our fact checkers have looked over the first two hours of the show, and we have a few corrections!
[ scroll:
“There are currently no bills before the House that would require women to have a transvaginal ultrasound before buying sunglasses.
The Taliban is not producing cereal called “Honey Bunches of Goats.”
Kirk Cameron is not the voice of Siri.
Miss America is not third in the order of succession for the Presidency, nor is Miss Teen USA fourth.
Airplanes do not fly by flapping their wings.
Patricia Heaton did not win a Nobel Prize for her work on “Everybody Loves Raymond.”
Hail consists of frozen water; it is not “made of sins.”
President Barack Obama does not plan to take the “forwarding” option away from email.
Disney World is not planning to add Rush Limbaugh to their Hall of Presidents.
Nowhere in the Bible does it mention Garth Brooks or Chris Gaines.
Turtles do not have “tiny TVs and sofa beds” inside their shells.
Pete Rose did not receive a lifetime ban from the Hallmark Hall of Fame.
“National Treasure” is a not a documentary even though it feels very real.
Wisconsin is an American state and not “just a bit.”
Mormons breathe air.
Horses do not have “teeth so sharp you wouldn’t believe it.”
Children raised by same-sex couples are not statistically more likely to let the American flag touch the ground.
“Psych” is a popular detective show on the USA Network, not a super-secret NASA Mind Experiment.
It takes more than five to six months of medical school to become a surgeon.
Sour Patch Kids are a snack food and therefore physically incapable of pulling a knife on someone.
Congress has not declared a “War on Jean Shorts.”
It is unlikely that Fareed Zakaria is Willem Defoe in character.
Babies tend to like hugs.
It is not illegal to discard a Christmas tree.
John Wilkes Booth was not wearing a hooded sweatshirt when he shot President Lincoln, nor were the Lincolns attending a staging of “The Vagina Monologues.”
There is no federal program called “Cash for Bees.”
You do not need a spaceship to get to China.
The Watergate is a hotel in Washington D.C., not a portal to an undersea kingdom.
Yellow and blue make green, not “blellow.”
The new World Trade Center does not transform into a karate robot.
Seeing-eye dogs are neither able to nor allowed to drive.
It is likely that immigrants do not feed on the blood of our cattle at night while we are all sleeping.
Baseball is a land sport.
It is widely accepted that ears are used for hearing.” ]
Gretchen Carlson: We’ll be right back, but first…
All: “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!!!”
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 37: Episode 20
Little Brothers
…..Eli Manning
Older Brother…..Andy Samberg
Eli Manning: Hi. I’m Eli Manning, and I’m a proud ambassador to the Little Brothers program.
[ dissolve to Manning outdoors with a group of small kids ]
Eli Manning V/O: Our organization helps kids build confidence, reach their goals, and overcome their adversity — especially when that adversity… is an older sibling.
[ cut to Manning sitting on a bench with a little brother ]
Eli Manning: So… what does your older brother do to you?
Little Brother: He breaks my toys and doesn’t allow me to play with my video games.
Eli Manning: Let’s find a creative solution to fix that.
[ dissolve to older brother’s bedroom, as he enters brushing his teeth, surprised to see a stern-looking Eli Manning sitting on his bed with his younger brother ]
Brother: Are you Eli Manning?
Eli Manning: Nope. I’m your worst fucking nightmare!
[ cut to Manning holding the older brother upside-down over an open-mouthed toilet ]
Eli Manning V/O: I understand the frustration of an older brother who thinks he can boss you around.
[ cut to Manning and the little brother playing video games together ]
Eli Manning: This is fun, right?
Little Brother: Yeah!
[ zoom out to reveal Manning giving the older brother an atomic wedgie ]
Eli Manning: Right?! [ he tugs harder ]
Brother: Yes, sir! It’s fun!
[ cut to an older brother messing with his younger brother on a street corner ]
Eli Manning V/O: At Little Brothers, we’re ready to face any level of big brother problems.
[ the older brother stops laughing when he looks up to see Eli Manning running straight for him ]
Eli Manning V/O: We know that big brothers… can be real dickheads!
[ Manning tackles the older brother and shoves his face into the dirt ]
[ cut to Manning testimonial ]
Eli Manning: We also provide kids with great sports and activities. Like Dodge Ball…
[ cut to Manning and little brothers in attack stance to throw dodge balls at an older brother chained to a fence ]
Brother: Stop!!
Eli Manning V/O: T-Ball…
[ cut to Manning and a little brother using an older brother’s mouth as a t-ball stand, then swinging on the close-up ]
Eli Manning V/O: And Archery.
[ cut to Manning holding a bow-and-arrow ]
Eli Manning: I’ll give you a five-second head start. [ the older brother runs for it ] 1… 2… [ he takes aim ] Good enough!
[ cut to Manning standing over an open car trunk ]
Eli Manning: Maybe now you’ll learn to treat your younger brother with some RESPECT, Peyton!
Older Brother: [ inside car trunk ] My name is not Peyton!!
Eli Manning: Whatever! [ he slams the trunk shut ]
[ dissolve to Manning standing with a group of little brothers ]
Eli Manning: The Little Brothers program. Because a time of reckoning is now at hand!
[ they all begin to laugh maniacally ]
Eli Manning: YES!! YES!!
[ fade ]
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 37: Episode 20
Amazon Kindle
Dad #1…..Jason Sudeikis
Mom #1…..Kristen Wiig
Dad #2…..Bill Hader
Mom #2…..Vanessa Bayer
Man…..Taran Killam
Mom #3…..Nasim Pedrad
[ open on mailman delivering an Amazon package to a townhouse ]
[ cut to interior, townhouse, as Dad #1 opens the package and pulls out a Chambord French press coffee maker ]
Announcer: This Mother’s Day, why not show Mom just how special she is? By surprising her with one of MILLIONS of gifts from Amazon.com?
Dad #1: Alright, let’s be quiet… Mom has no idea we’re bringing her breakfast in bed, okay? Shhh, shhh, shhh…
Announcer: Which means there’s a million ways to give your mother a surprise she’ll never forget.
[ Dad and the kids rush into the bedroom ]
Dad #1 and Kids: Happy Mother’s Day!!!
[ reveal Mom reading “Fifty Shades of Grey” under the covers with one leg stretched into the air ]
Mom #1: GET OUT!!
Dad #1: [ stunned ] “Fifty Shades of Grey”? Isn’t that… that sex book?
Mom #1: [ embarrassed ] What?! Of course not!
Daughter: [ holding up vibrator ] Look — a microphone! [ singing ] “Mommyyyyy!”
[ Mom grabs her vibrator, as Dad gasps ]
[ cut to Dad #2 preparing a gift basket of goodies from Amazon ]
Announcer: Because, at Amazon, a million surprises for Mom are just a click away.
[ Dad and his son rush up the stairs and push the bathroom door open ]
Dad #2 and Son: Surprise!!
[ reveal Mom reading “Fifty Shades of Grey” in a bubble bath, with her legs pressed upon the wall ]
Mom #2: GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!!
Dad #1: Is that “Fifty Shades of Grey”?
Mom #2: No! It’s… it’s a cook book.
Son: Mom! We got you bath stuff!
Mom #2: I see that, Jonah. Thank you. [ she lifts a gloved hand out of the bath and points ] Just… put it down on the ground.
[ cut to Man wheeling a new washing machine down the hall ]
Announcer: On Amazon.com, Mommy surprises come in ALL sizes.
[ he opens the laundry room door ]
Man: Mom! Happy Mother’s Day!
[ reveal Mom wearing dog collar with her crotch pressed against the working dryer as she reads “Fifty Shades of Grey” ]
Man: Oh — “Fifty Shades of Grey”?
Mom #3: Get out!
Man: [ spotting a framed photo on the dryer ] Is that Joel McHale?
Mom #3: No, it’s your dad! Get out!!
[ cut to product display ]
Announcer: So, this Mother’s Day, go to Amazon.com and get Mom what she really wants: “Fifty Shades of Grey”. On Kindle!
[ return to Dad #1 operating the camera in the bedroom ]
Dad #1: Alright, come on — get next to the kids! Are you ready? [ Mom and the covers stands behind the kids ] 1… 2… 3! [ he clicks the picture ] Yayyyyy!
[ cut to rear angle, to reveal Mom’s bare pixellated ass ]
Dad #1: [ looking at picture ] Oh, no… you seem angry.
[ Mom smirks ]
[ cut to product display ]
Announcer: The Kindle. What are you reading, Mom? We’ll never know.
[ fade ]
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 37: Episode 20
]]>
Air Date:Host:Musical Guest:Special Guests:Cameos:Bit Players:
May 5th, 2012
Eli Manning
Rihanna
None
Chris Snee
David Baas
David Diehl
Shaun O’Hara
Abby McGrew
Sacha Baron Cohen
Martin Scorcese
None Fox & FriendsSummary: Steve Doocy (Taran Killam), Gretchen Carlson (Vanessa Bayer) and Brian Kilmeade (Bobby Moynihan) criticize President Obama and annoy Rupert Murdoch (Fred Armisen) with their on-air errors.
Recurring Characters: Steve Doocy, Gretchen Carlson, Brian Kilmeade, Rupert Murdoch.
Transcript
Montage
Eli Manning’s Monologue
Summary: To prove how well he’s adjusted to life in New York City while a member of the Giants, Eli Manning gives off-course cultural and dining suggestions to the audience.
Transcript
Amazon KindleSummary: This Mother’s Day, give Mom the gift that keeps on giving — “Fifty Shades of Grey” on Amazon Kindle, the perfect erotic literature to meet all of her masturbatory needs.
Transcript
Motion Capture
Summary: Eli Manning fumbles big-time while recording his green-screen victory dance for EA Sports’ “Madden NFL ’13”.
Text Message Evidence
Summary: Chad Kevin Jeremy (Eli Manning) attempts to prove his innocence during a murder trial by allowing his attorney (Jason Sudeikis) to read his flirtatious text messages dispensed at the time of the murder.
Transcript
Little BrothersSummary: Eli Manning acts as a volunteer liasion for boys who are routinely picked on by their mean older brothers.
Transcript
WXPD News New York
Summary: Doddering field reporter Herb Welch (Bill Hader) is on the scene at an Occupy Wall Street protest.
Recurring Characters: Jack Rizzoli, Wanda Ramirez, Herb Welch.
Rihanna performs “Birthday Cake/Talk That Talk”
Weekend Update with Seth Meyers
Summary: Overzealous tanning mom Patricia Krentcil (Kristen Wiig) has to repeatedly moisten her dry throat while defending her recent behavior. Admiral General Aladeen (Sacha Baron Cohen) plugs “The Dictator” and reveals that he has taken Martin Scorcese hostage.
What Is This?
Summary: Game show hostess Kimberly Clemens (Abby Elliott) takes advantage of her show’s format to question her boyfriend Ryan Mack (Eli Manning) about the status of their fledgling relationship.
Transcript
Helga Lately
Summary: The Swedish version of Chelsea Handler (Kate McKinnon) flirts with her guests and runs a promo for “Catch Up Mit Du Khlardashians”.
Recurring Characters: Kim Kardashian, Kourtney Kardashian, Khloé Kardashian.
Rihanna performs “Where Have You Been?”
Miss Drag World 2012
Summary: Upset about coming in third place, Miss Chicken Fried Steak (Eli Manning) disrupts the rest of the pageant and steals the trophy.
Turner Classic Movies: The Essentials
Summary: Robert Osborne (Jason Sudeikis) discusses the brief screen career of Richard Armstrong (Eli Manning), the square third wheel who appeared in the early Cheech (Fred Armisen) & Chong (Bill Hader) movies.
Recurring Characters: Robert Osborne.
GoodnightsTranscript
Dress Rehearsal Cuts
A Message from the President of the United StatesSummary: President Barack Obama (Fred Armisen) urges voters to celebrate the one-year anniversay of Killing Osama bin Laden Day, and outlines the appropriate gifts each year the holiday is celebrated.
Recurring Characters: President Barack Obama.
Transcript
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 37: Episode 19
HBO First Look
Written by: Sarah Schneider, Zach Kanin, and Kumail Nanjiani
Kit Harrington…..Taran Killam
Therese Sullivan…..Kate McKinnon
George R. R. Martin…..Bobby Moynihan
Adam Friedberg…..Andy Samberg
Director…..John Solomon
Announcer: And now, an “HBO First Look” at the hit series “Game of Thrones”.
[ display fighting scenes ]
Kit Harrington: “Game of Thrones” is, uh, an epic story of good vs. evil.
Therese Sullivan: You never know who to root for, the characters are all so complex.
Announcer: The success of the show is linked to its two creative consultants: Author George R.R. Martin…
George R. R. Martin: I’m on-set to ensure that the show honors the spirit of my books.
Announcer: And Adam Friedberg, a 13-year old boy.
Adam Friedberg: [ lisping ] I make sure there are lots of boobs in the show! [ he grins triumphantly ]
Kit Harrington: He’s a genius. He take one look at a scene and know exactly what’s missing.
[ show Adam holding up a page with a stick-figure drawing qwith big breasts drawn over it ]
Adam Friedberg: I remember there was this one scene where a dude was talking to himself, and I was like, “Why don’t we add two naked ladies, just going to TOWN on each other?” Let’s just say the scene started working! [ he smiles with a wide set of braces ]
George R. R. Martin: Andy is, uh, a visionary
[ cut to Adam overseeing a scene ]
Adam Friedberg: No, no, no, no! I can’t see any BUTTS in it!
George R. R. Martin: He knows that even when I didn’t write sex into a scene, uh-uh-uh-uh… I was definitely thinking about it.
[ cut to Adam watching a nude scene and giving a thumbs-up to the camera ]
Kit Harrington: Adam’s so involved with the show that I’ve even seen him take his work home with him.
[ reveal Adam swiping a pair of panties from Wardrobe ]
Kit Harrington: I’ve never seen anyone so driven. He spends all his time on-set.
[ reveal Adam sitting next to the Director as a sex scene is filmed ]
Director: And… CUT!
Adam Friedberg: Bathroom break!
[ cut to another shoot ]
Adam Friedberg: Bathroom break!
[ cut to another shoot ]
Adam Friedberg: You guys, I’m gonna hit the head!
Kit Harrington: He does take a lot of bathroom breaks. [ he frowns, as it hits him ]
Therese Sullivan: Adam says this is my good side:
[ the camera pulls back to reveal her arms separated above and below her breasts ]
Adam Friedberg: Last week was one of my MOST inspired scenes. I was like, “In that corner, can we get some people doing it doggy-style. And then, a dude peeping at that be all, ‘Looks good to me!’ And then we pan down and see he’s got a naked lady working on his wang! And then, another dude peeping on that, and he’s like, ‘Tell me more!'” And all of that aired on TELEVISION… right after “Rango”! [ he smiles wide ] IT’S HBO!!
Announcer: Coming up, ADam gives us a glimpse of next week’s episode.
[ reveal Adam pushing two fingers up against two fingers and making rocket noises ]
[ fade ]
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 37: Episode 19
Another SNL Digital Short
…..Andy Samberg
…..Taran Kllam
…..Gotye
[ SUPER: “An SNL Digital Short” ]
[ “Another” sizzles on top ]
[ cut to Gotye’s dressing room, as Andy Samberg and Taran Killam come knocking ]
Andy Samberg: Hey! Gotye! How are you?
Gotye: Nice to meet you!
Taran Killam: We just wanted to say Hi! before the show!
Andy Samberg: Yeah. Big fans of yours.
Taran Killam: HUGE!
Gotye: I’m a big fan of you guys, too, so…
Andy Samberg: [ humbled ] Ahh! It’s probably me more than Taran, but, uh… [ Taran grimaces ] Your “Somebody I Used To Know” video is amazing! You’re painted, the wall’s painted, and you’re like camoflauged into the scenery.
Taran Killam: Yeah! It’s best of the year.
Gotye: Wow! You seem like really big fans!
Andy & Taran: [ smiling ] We are!!
Gotye: Cool, uh… I’d better get warmed up, you know, and, uh…
Taran Killam: Of course! We’ll get out of your hair!
Gotye: Alright.
Andy Samberg: Have a good one.
[ Andy and Taran exit the dressing room, as Gotye closes the door and sits in front of a painting on the wall and reads the newspaper ]
[ Gotye’s song begins to play, as Andy and Taran appear behind the couch with their bodies painted so as to help them blend in with the painting on the wall ]
Gotye: Guys?
Andy Samberg: What? What’s up?
Gotye: What are you doing?
Andy Samberg: We’re like you! Get it?
Taran Killam: We like your music video! We told you that.
Gotye: Yeah. I just really want to focus on the show tonight.
Andy Samberg: We totally get that…
Taran Killam: We’re not even here.
Andy Samberg: Just ignore us.
[ Gotye stares unbelievably at the stillness of Andy and Taran, until the music pops up again and they begin to sway in time ]
Gotye: Yeah… it’s weird, guys.
Andy Samberg: [ whispering ] Like from the video!
Gotye: Guys! Seriously! Could you leave?! [ the music stops ] Please?
Andy Samberg: A thousand apologies. We overplayed this.
Taran Killam: We see that now.
Gotye: Yes! Uh… we’ll get out of your hair.
Taran Killam: You will NOT see us again.
Gotye: Goodbye.
[ Gotye returns to his paper as Andy and Taran exit the dressing room away from the door ]
Taran Killam: [ peeking in, with soundtrack ] “I used to know!!”
Gotye: Wow.
Andy Samberg: [ peeking in, with soundtrack ] “I used to know!!”
Gotye: Jeez!
Andy & Taran: [ peeking in, with soundtrack ] “I used to know!!”
Gotye: [ jumping up ] GUYS, YOU GOTTA LEAVE!!
[ Andy & Taran rush to the door ]
Gotye: [ covering his eyes ] Put some pants on next time.
[ reveal Andy & Taran’s full-on nudity ]
Taran Killam: We intentionally didn’t pain this part.
Andy Samberg: We wanted you to see.
Gotye: Well, I see!
Andy & Taran: [ weakly ] “I used to knowwww!!”
[ Gotye doesn’t respond ]
Taran Killam: We’ll leave.
Andy Samberg: We’ll leave.
[ Andy & Taran exit Gotye’s dressing room, their bare butts wagging ]
[ fade ]
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 37: Episode 19
Josh Brolin’s Monologue
…..Josh Brolin…..Jay Pharoah
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Josh Brolin!
Josh Brolin: Thank you! Thank you! Yeah! Thank you!!!! Thank you, thank you, thank you very much! It is SO great to be back hosting “Saturday Night Live”. I have to say, you know, for me, as an actor, this is just the most exciting challenge in the world. You know, I’ve been in so many serious movies like “No Country For Old Men” and “True Grit”, it’s just refreshing to, you know, come here and just be STUPID! Like REALLY stupid. Like career-endingly stupid. And what a perfect time to be here. Is there anything better than Spring in New York City? [ the crowd cheers ] Girls in short skirts. Guys in weird… tight capri pants. It’s really nice out. I even took one of those bicycle caps at the airport. It cost $1,200, but, luckily, I didn’t have to pay because the guy had a heart attack on the way here.
So this is my second time host. Uh, but the first time with this stylish goatee. I’m contractually obligated to wear it because of a project I’m doing. Uh, starting next month, I’ll be the official spokesman for the 90’s! [ cut to close-up ] You down with O.P.P.? Yeah, you know me? The 90’s? [ he smiles with a tinkle
I’m also in a movie next month, called “Men in Black III”. [ the crowd cheers wildly ] And in it, Will Smith travels back in time to 1969, and I play a young Tommy Lee Jones. And I did a lot of research for the role, you know? I looked up old photos of Tommy Lee Jones. Here’s one of him as a baby. [ reveal photoshopped image of Tommy Lee Jones’ head on a baby’s body ] So we can’t show you a clip form the movie, because it doesn’t come out until May — so I’m gonna show you the next best thing, okay? [ Jay Pharoah steps out ] So Jay will be doing his Wlil Smith… [ the crowd goes nuts ] and I’ll be doing a young Tommy Lee Jones.
Jay Pharoah: Okay, let me just warm up a little bit, alright? [ he clears his throat loudly ] Uh-huh! Yeah! WHOOOOO!! Okay… okay. [ he begins ] “Ugh! So, uh, check it out, alright? Yo! So there’s these ALIENS, right? So I was THINKING, you know, we should get some of those BIG-ASS space guns and go kick some MARTIAN BUTT! WHOOOO!! You know what I mean, K?”
Josh Brolin: [ arms folded ] “Alright.” [ to the audience ] There you go! Thank you very much!
[ the crowd applauds wildly ]
We’ve got a great show for you tonight! Gotye is here! So stick around, we’ll be right back!
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 37: Episode 19
Woodridge High
Mr. Russell…..Bill Hader
Katie…..Vanessa Bayer
Stacey…..Nasim Pedrad
Brett…..Taran Killam
Goth Student…..Kenan Thompson
Majorette…..Abby Elliott
Donovan…..Bobby Moynihan
Eric Adler…..Andy Samberg
Dr. Failer…..Josh Brolin
Witch…..Kristen Wiig
[ open on exterior, Woodridge High School ]
[ dissolve to interior hallway, as Mr. Russell shows Katie around ]
Mr. Russell: There’s the gym, where we have P.E. And through those doors, the cafeteria.
Katie: Thanks for giving me a tour, Mr. Russell! It’s SCARY being the new kid, you know?
Mr. Russell: Oh, don’t worry, Katie, you’ll be fine. Woodridge High is a pretty cool school.
Katie: [ glancing across the hall ] Whoa! Who are they?
[ cut to adjacent hallway, as Stacey and Brett saunter through in slow-motion to Soul Kid #1’s “(More Bounce In) California” ]
Mr. Russell: That’s, uh… Stacey and Brett.
Katie: Wow! What’s their deal?
Mr. Russell: He’s captain of the football team, she’s head cheerleader, and, together, they’re pretty much the coolest couple in school.
Katie: No, I — I mean, why are they walking like that?
Mr. Russell: Oh, yeah. That’s the hallway where everything’s in slow-motion.
[ in slow-motion, Brett pounds on his locker to open it and lean against it, as Stacey applies her lipstick ]
Katie: So… why isn’t it affecting us?
Mr. Russell: Well, we’re not quite in the hallways. No, it starts right about, uh… [ he taes a few small steps forward and waves his hand up and down ] Here. [ his hand now waves in slow-motion ] Yeah. [ he leans into the zone, as an electric charge is heard and his speech slows down ] And it affects evvvvveryyyyyonnnne innnn theeee hallllllwayyyyy… [ he steps back into the normal-speed zone, as another electric charge is heard ] See?
Katie: Wait — it doesn’t work only on the cool kids?
Mr. Russell: No, it works on anyone in the hallway. [ pointing ] See? I mean, these two definitely aren’t cool.
[ cut to nerdy-looking majorette and goth punk sauntering through the hall in slow-motion ]
Katie: So… is it.. is it dangerous?
Mr. Russell: No. [ pointing ] Unless you’re Donovan.
[ cut to Stacey laughing as Brett gives Donovan a wedgie in slow-motion ]
Katie: Well… I don’t care for that. But how does this hallway exist?
Mr. Russell: No one knows for sure. One theory is that it’s cursed, because they burned a crazy old witch here. But our Chemistry teacher, Dr. Failer, he’s trying to prove it’s science.
[ Dr. Failer saunters down the hall in slow-motion, pouring liquid between science jars ]
Katie: Now… can people in the hallways see us?
Mr. Russell: Great question, Katie! They’re in slow-motion, but they can still interact with us. [ calling ] Hey, Brett! It’s gonna take a second for the sound to get to him, you know, everything travels slower…
Brett: Whaaaaaaaatttttt’s uuuuuuuuppppp!!
Mr. Russell: What’s uuuuuupp!! [ to Katie ] You see? It’s just like any other high school.
Katie: But what if you get stuck in there, and you have to go to the bathroom?
Mr. Russell: That’s a question for Eric “Small Bladder” Adler!
[ cut to Eric running down the hall in slow-motion, as urine stains his pants and Stacey and Brett laugh at him ]
Katie: Someone should report this to the government!
Mr. Russell: The government? It moves slow enough! Am I right? [ he laughs ] Hey-ooooo!! I don’t know. Anyway, seriously, the government would destroy our town. [ pointing ] Oh — it looks like Dr. Failer’s got something.
Dr. Failer: [ slowly making his way into the normal zone ] Euuuuuuuuuuuu… [ he pushes through ] REKA!! I know you don’t feel like you’re in slow-motion, but you DO feel COOLER!! Which means that I’m THIS close to finally understanding what’s behind this phenomenon!
Mr. Russell: Is it the curse of the old witch?
Dr. Failer: Of course not! Don’t be ridiculous! It HAS to be SCIENCE!!
[ Dr. Failer rushes back into the slow-motion zone ]
Mr. Russell: [ to Katie ] That’s the, uh… the hallway. You’ll get used to it. Do you want to see the auditorium?
Katie: [ excitedly ] Do I!
[ they turn and exit down the hallway ]
[ back in the slow-motion hallway, reveal the old witch chasing Dr. Failer, Stacey and Brett in slow-motion ]
[ fade ]
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 37: Episode 19
Goodnights
…..Josh Brolin
Josh Brolin: Thanks to Gotye! And Kimbra! Steven Spielberg! The whole “Saturday Night” cast! To Lorne Michaels, for creating the GREATEST SHOW ON EARTH!!