For Die Hard Saturday Night Live Fans
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 36: Episode 19
10s: Helen Mirren / Foo Fighters
Goodnights
…..Helen Mirren
Helen Mirren: Thanks… to… [ having a Senior moment ] Foo Fighters! The cast, the writers, the grips, the wardrobe, the writing crew! The bodacious Donna! The empathatical Gina! And Mighty Lorne! Good night, all, and thank you lots!
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 36: Episode 19
10s: Helen Mirren / Foo Fighters
Fox and Friends
Steve Doocy…..Taran Killam
Gretchen Carlson…..Vanessa Bayer
Brian Kilmeade…..Bobby Moynihan
Fact Checker…..Fred Armisen
Sandy Blunt…..Helen Mirren
[ open on FOX graphics ]
Announcer: You’re watching “Fox and Friends” — Coffee, smiles, fear and terror!
[ dissolve to set ]
Steve Doocy: Welcome back to the third hour of “Fox and Friends”! I’m Steve Doocy. With me, as always, is Gretchen Carlson and Brian Kilmeade!
Gretchen Carlson: Morning!
Brian Kilmeade: Happy Monday!
Steve Doocy: Well, we ALMOST had a government shutdown!
Gretchen Carlson: Ohhhh, that was CLOSE! [ she laughs ]
Brian Kilmeade: WOW!
Steve Doocy: Late Friday night, John Boehner rescued a budget plan, which meant NO government workers would be sent home.
Gretchen Carlson: I’ll tell you who I would send home —
Steve Doocy: Oh, don’t say it, Gretchen…
Gretchen Carlson: No, no, no! President… Obama!
Steve Doocy: Oh, here she goes!
Gretchen Carlson: No! I’m sorry, but he is NOT… a leader. He needs to take… a time-out.
Brian Kilmeade: I mean, we almost had the FIRST government shutdown in the HISTORY of this country!
Gretchen Carlson: Is that — is that true?
Brian Kilmeade: Oh, I just assumed.
Steve Doocy: Our — well, how about we DON’T assume? Let’s ask our fact checker! Lou?
[ cut to the off-camera area, where a war veteran checks a few sheets of papers, then salutes the anchors ]
Gretchen Carlson: Our fact checker Lou, always keeping us honest! [ she laughs ]
Steve Doocy: So the government ISN’T shut down, but here’s a program I WOULDN’T mind seeing shut down — Michelle Obama’s anti-childhoood obesity task force!
Gretchen Carlson: Ohhhh, thank you! Okay, FIRST of all — when I hear “task force”, I get scared!
Brian Kilmeade: What? Uh-huh!
Steve Doocy: If kids hear there’s a TASK FORCE at school, maybe they stay home SICK!!
Brian Kilmeade: Kids scare easy. I remember when I was in high school, I heard a rumor that our janitor was a serial killer! And I was so scared, I stayed home sick for an entire MONTH! I missed out on a LOT of vocab — [ sadly ] I still don’t know what “eclectic” means.
Steve Doocy: And, also, maybe this is just me — but what’s so wrong with a few FAT KIDS in school?
Gretchen Carlson: THANK YOU for saying that! Okay, I LOVE fatties!! Alright? They’re FUNNY!!
Brian Kilmeade: They are funny, they are so eclectic!
Steve Doocy: Hey, absolutely! Here’s a scary question: When there are NO fat kids, who’s gonna play the comic relief in Disney movies?
Gretchen Carlson: Yeah, you know what? I will tell you who!
Brian Kilmeade: Uh-oh!
Steve Doocy: Uh-oh! Be careful, Gretchen!
Gretchen Carlson: No, no! Mexicans!
Steve Doocy: Look out!
Gretchen Carlson: No, no, no — it’s true! When American kids get too skinny, chubby Mexicans will take American acting jobs! Okay? Just look at the kid on “Modern Family”!
Steve Doocy: Who is great! He’s great!
Gretchen Carlson: But, but maybe soon… it won’t be the eagle on the American flag… it will be the… [ thinking ] What’s a Mexican bird?
Brian Kilmeade: A burrito.
Gretchen Carlson: That’s not a bird.
Brian Kilmeade: Ah — yeah! [ he chuckles ] A chicken burrito!
Steve Doocy: Well! Scary stuff! Joining us now, she’s the President of the Eagle Coalition Fireworks Emporium in Yuma, Arizona. Please welcome… Sandy Blunt!
[ cut to Sandy Blunt, Border War Expert, on satellite ]
Sandy Blunt: Proud to be here. Proud to be an American.
Brian Kilmeade: So what’s new on the border war, Sandy?
Sandy Blunt: Well, you know… we all know about the dangers of anchor babies.
Gretchen Carlson: Anchor babies, of course, being illegal immigrants coming to America, who have their babies on our soil, making them U.S. citizens.
Brian Kilmeade: Oh!
Steve Doocy: SO scary!
Brian Kilmeade: So scary…
Sandy Blunt: Well… now there is a NEW threat on our doorsteps: Mexicans are kidnapping pregnant American women, and taking them to Mexico! Then… when the women give birth… their beautiful babies… will be… I’m sorry! Mexicans!
Brian Kilmeade: [ blinking ] So you’re saying…?
Sandy Blunt: REVERSE ANCHOR BABIES!! Undercover Mexicans in America! You know — known as A-Merx-icans!
Steve Doocy: Aye carumba!
Brian Kilmeade: Wow. Thanks, Sandy. Scary stuff… scary stuff.
Steve Doocy: Now, there’s been a lot of talk aout BIRTH CERTIFICATES recently, so I thought it would be fun, you know, to all bring in OUR birth certificates, just to show how easy it is?
Gretchen Carlson: Yeah! Yeah!
Steve Doocy: Here’s mine! [ he holds it up ]
Gretchen Carlson: Here’s mine! [ she holds it up ]
Brian Kilmeade: And here’s mine. [ he holds up a Dave and Buster’s gift certificate ]
Steve Doocy: I’m, uh — I’m not sure that’s it, Brian!
Brian Kilmeade: But it has my name on it.
Gretchen Carlson: Uh — it’s from Dave and Buster’s!
Brian Kilmeade: Mmm… but I got it on my birthday, so it counts!
Steve Doocy: Alright, let’s take another quick break. But, first, our fact checkers have finished combing over the first two hours of the show, and have a few corrections.
[ a list of corrections SCROLL upward quickly, reading:
“President Barack Obamas middle name is not ‘Danger’.
First Lady Michelle Obama was born in Illinois, to human parents.
‘The first trimester’ refers to a stage of pregnancy. It is not a Tom Clancy novel.
Libya is a country in Africa. It is not part of Saudi Arabia.
Singer Rebecca Black’s song ‘Friday’ refers to a day of the week. Not the Chris Tucker movie.
The American flag does not have an eagle on it. Nor is President Ronald Reagans picture on it.
Hawaii is part of America. Hawaiians are not of Arabic descent.
Lil Wayne is a popular hip hop artist. He has never toured with Wayne Newton. Nor does Wayne Newton have a dwarf brother.
Apples are not vegetables. They are also not grown in Kenya.
Most scallops are edible and safe when cooked.
‘Jai Lai’ is a sport played in Florida. It is not known if the activity is preferred by Mexican drug cartels.
Bruno Mars is an American pop singer. He lives on Earth. He has never been indicted or convicted of organ trafficking.
Green is a color.
Moamar Quaddaffi is President of the country of Libya. He has never driven a taxi for a living.
Ronald Reagan did not create the lottery. Nor did he invent casual Fridays.
Jane Fonda lives in America. She has never been photographed with Osama Bin Laden.
There is no, nor are there any plans for, a ‘Six Flags Baghdad.’
The Federal Food Stamp program was not created by Karl Marx.
Egypt has never had a mummy President.
Your sexuality is not determined by your blood type. Nor is it determined by your enthusiasm about the songs of Lionel Ritchie.
It is not possible to catch AIDS by having a beard.
The state of Massachusetts has never mandated that Mohammed be put next to Jesus in Christmas nativity scenes.
The sun is not made of ‘hot gravy’. It is actually made up of several gasses.
Cell phones do not cause Chlamydia.
Filmmaker Michael Moore has never shut down the Macys Thanksgiving parade.
Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas never fought in World War II. Nor was he ever given the ‘Congressional Medal of Truth.’ There is no such medal as the ‘Congressional Medal of Truth.’
A baby can only be created by sperm and an egg. A homosexual cannot create a baby using trickery and the Internet.
Americans landed on the moon in 1969. This was part of the NASA space program and not to ‘get away from hippies.’
No one has ever eaten a pizza with their butt.
Former President Bill Clinton had nothing to do with the Rebecca Black video “Friday.'” ]
Brian Kilmeade: See you after this quick break!
[ dissolve to FOX graphics ]
[ fade ]
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 36: Episode 19
10s: Helen Mirren / Foo Fighters
Crunk-Ass Easter Festival
DJ Supersoak…..Jason Sudeikis
Lil’ Blaster…..Nasim Pedrad MC George Castanza…..Jay Pharoah
Ass Dan…..Bobby Moynihan
DJ Stink Skunk…..Helen Mirren
[ open on fiery graphics ]
Announcer: Under-Underground Records is BACK!
[ cut to DJ Supersoak and Lil’ Blaster ]
DJ Supersoak: What up, yo! I’m DJ Supersoak!
Lil’ Blaster: And I’m Lil’ Blaster! And in case you didn’t notice, it’s that crazy-ass time of year again!
Together: EAS-TERRR!!
Lil’ Blaster: WHOO WHOO!!
DJ Supersoak: And what better way to celebrate, than with the first-ever Crunk-Ass Easter Festival!
Announcer: Crunk-Ass Easter Festival
[ cut to DJ Supersoak ]
Lil’ Blaster: We’ve got the HOTTEST underground rap and rock!
Announcer: These bands will… GIVE! JESUS! NIGHTMARES!!
[ explosion ]
Announcer: With performances by: Buttwand! Sneaky Priest! DJ Vlade Divac! The Black Wiggers! Eagle-Eye Cherry! And a very special acoustic set… by Mrs. Potato Dick!
[ cut to DJ Supersoak and Lil’ Blaster ]
DJ Supersoak: Word! And you KNOW we got some Crunk-Ass fun for the LITTLE ninjas!
Lil’ Blaster: Like an Easter egg hunt, for all you dumb-ass kids!
DJ Supersoak: Oh, and this year — the eggs are SCRAMBLED, yo!
Announcer: Grab a handful!!
DJ Supersoak: Crunk-Ass Easter is ALSO about giving back! Here to tell you more, is MC George Castanza!
[ cut to MC George Castanza ]
MC George Castanza: Yo! We got a NEW charity, called…
Announcer: GROSS ASS CRAP FOR ORPHANS!!
MC George Castanza: We gonna send ’em stuff that no one else is sendin’ ’em! Yeah! So bring us your busted-ass Nordic tracks — yeah! — your new and lightly-used condoms — yeah, yeah! — your unactivated Starbucks gift cards, and we’ll give you a free:
Announcer: KICK IN THE DICK!!
Lil’ Blaster: Plus! WE got some fresh-ass special guests!
DJ Supersoak: New York Times crossword guru Will Shortz! The female Gremlin!
Lil’ Blaster: Stand-up comedy from the Menendez Brothers!
DJ Supersoak: And the entire 1993 Mivhigan Basketball Team! Except the best five and the next best five.
Announcer: [ over mostly blacked-out team photo ] WE GOT THE WHITE GUYS!!
DJ Supersoak: Word! And, since this is Easter, we FINALLY gonna give a proper burial to our deceased friend Ass Dan!
[ cut to Ass Dan waving his arms ]
Ass Dan: Yeaaaaaaahhhh!! Check the tomb on the third gate, BITCH!! You KNOW I’m gonna live for —
[ freeze-frame, with SUPER: “Ass Dan, 1981-2011” ]
Lil’ Blaster: There’s gonna be MAD crunkin’, y’all!
DJ Supersoak: See “60 Minutes”, performed LIVE! And, yo, you’d BEST avoid the Noid! Because he’s got a SHOTGUN full of HORSE SHIT!!
Lil’ Blaster: Then say Hello to honorary guests, the Chilean Miners! Before we send them…
Together: BACK!! INTO!! THE MINE!!
Announcer: NO SE GUSTAN!!
[ explosion ]
[ cut to DJ Supersoak and Lil’ Blaster ]
DJ Supersoak: And no DOUBT I’ll be hanging at the Dunk Tank, with DJ Stank Skunk!
[ cut to DJ Stink Skunk ]
DJ Stink Skunk: Ohhhhhhh, yeah, BITCHES!! Five dollars gets you THREE tosses and a chance to dunk this year’s special guest:
Announcer: ELIAN GONZALEZ!!
[ DJ Stink Skunk laughs maniacally ]
DJ Supersoak: WORD!! And make sure you check out our IMAX screening of “Juwanna Mann”!
Lil’ Blaster: Yo! That She’s a He!
DJ Supersoak: Come swim in the toilet from “Slumdog Millionaire”!
Lil’ Blaster: See a live sex show from the Green M&M!
DJ Supersoak: And you KNOW we got methed-out coyotes running ALL OVER THIS BITCH!!
Lil’ Blaster: Crunk-Ass Easter! And it all takes place — where else?
Together: THE STREETS!! OF!! LIBYA!!
[ explosion ]
Announcer: See you ninjas there!!
[ fade ]
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 36: Episode 19
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Amazon.com Widgets
Air Date:Host:Musical Guest:Special Guests:Cameos:Bit Players:
April 9th, 2011
Helen Mirren
Foo Fighters
None
None
None A Message from the President of the United States
Summary: President Barack Obama (Fred Armisen) announces that everyone in America is unhappy that the government shutdown was averted.
Recurring Characters: President Barack Obama.
Montage
Helen Mirren’s Monologue
Summary: To acknowledge that she’s nothing like the Queen she played on film, Helen Mirren and back-up sailors sing “There is Nothing Like a Dame”.
Mort Mort Feingold: Accountant for the Star
Summary: Mort Mort Feingold (Andy Samberg) examines his celebrity clients’ taxes.
Recurring Characters: Mort Mort Feingold, James Franco, Kim Kardashian, Kourtney Kardashian, Khloe Kardashian, Ricky Martin, Will Smith, Johnny Depp, Muammer Gaddafi.
Transcript
An SNL Digital Short
Summary: After touching “Helen Mirren’s Titties”, Nasim Pedrad’s eyes are opened to the natural beauties of the world.
Fox & FriendsSummary: Fox’s morning pundits Steve Doocy (Taran Killam), Gretchen Carlson (Vanessa Bayer) and Brian Kilmeade (Bobby Moynihan) make random political statements that have to be researched by their fact-checker (Fred Armisen).
Recurring Characters: Steve Doocy, Gretchen Carlson, Brian Kilmeade, Hank Williams, Jr., Lou.
Transcript
Mary Shelley
Summary: Mary Shelley (Helen Mirren) insists to her party guests that her novel “Frankenstein” is not based on her monster-like landlord Frank Stein (Fred Armisen) and his idiot son Igor (Paul Brittain).
Transcript
Foo Fighters perform “Rope”
Weekend Update with Seth Meyers
Summary: James Carville (Bill Hader) comments on the near-government shutdown. Flight attendant Shelly Elaine (Kristen Wiig) describes a harrowing near-crash. Jean K. Jean (Kenan Thompson).
Recurring Characters: James Carville, Jean K. Jean.
The Best of Both Worlds
Summary: Hugh Jackman (Andy Samberg) interviews fellow actors who tackle film roles that reveal two different sides of their personas.
Recurring Characters: Hugh Jackman, Ice Cube, Julie Andrews, Richie.
Crunk-Ass Easter FestivalSummary: DJ Super Soak (Jason Sudeikis) and Lil Blaster (Nasim Pedrad) promote the under-underground Easter rock festival that features DJ Stank Skunk (Helen Mirren) at the Dunk Tank.
Recurring Characters: DJ Super Soak, Lil Blaster, Ass Dan, MC George Castanza.
Transcript
The Roosevelts
Summary: The Reelz Channel presents an historically inaccurate mini-series based on the lives of Franklin (Bill Hader) and Elenour Roosevelt (Helen Mirren).
Recurring Characters: Elenour Roosevelt, Adolph Hitler, Marilyn Monroe.
Transcript
Perspectives Photo Studios
Summary: Spokesman (Jason Sudeikis) promotes the trick photography techniques that makes men’s penises look larger for cell phone photo submissions.
Note: This sketch was cut from last week’s Dress Rehearsal.
Transcript
Foo Fighters perform “Walk”
Bongo’s Clown Room
Summary: Strip joint MC Tommy (Jason Sudeikis) announces it’s his final night on the job after winning $9,200 from a lottery scratch-off ticket.
Recurring Characters: MC Tommy.
GoodnightsTranscript
Dress Rehearsal Cuts
Don’ You Go Rounin’ Roun To Re Ro IISummary: Trailer for a new British film with more unintelligible dialogue.
Late Night with Tyler PerrySummary: Tyler Perry (Kenan Thompson) interviews Helen Mirren on his new late night talk show.
PTA MeetingSummary: School teacher (Helen Mirren) discusses her student with his father (Bobby Moynihan).
Queen IsabelleSummary: Christopher Columbus (Fred Armisen) begs Queen Isabelle (Helen Mirren) to lend him a ship so he can discover the new world.
Billy Ocean ConcertSummary: Billy Ocean’s (Jay Pharoah) biggest fan (Helen Mirren) attends his concert, vexing her husband (Jason Sudeikis) with the news that they are old friends.
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 36: Episode 18
Goodnights
Shopkeeper…..Bobby Moynihan
Wife…..Kristen Wiig
Barnaby Xaviar St. Hidgens III…..Paul Brittain
…..Elton John
Richard Branson…..Bill Hader
Bono…..Andy Samberg
Michael Caine…..Tom Hanks
Ian McKellan…..Taryn Killam
Sir Mix-a-Lot…..Kenan Thompson
Ringo Star…..Fred Armisen
[ open on BBC graphic for “Fancy a Jar, Do You?” ]
[ dissolve to interior, jar shop ]
Shopkeeper: Ohhhh, dear!
Wife: What are you so upset about?
Shopkeeper: We just got a delivery of a hundred jars!
Wife: So what’s the problem?
Shopkeeper: [ holding the jars to his eyes ] No lids!
Wife: Well, ain’t THIS a pickle! [ close-up zoom with audience voiceover ] A PICKLE JAR!!
[ cut to BBC News Special Report graphic ]
Announcer: We interrupt “Fancy a Jar, Do You?”, the most popular show in the history of Britain, for this special report.
[ dissolve to BBC news desk ]
Barnaby Xaviar St. Hidgens III: Good evening. I’m Barnaby Xaviar St. Hidgens III, filling in for Fat Danny. Well, after much debate in the lower house, it’s official: [ reveal graphic ] A dragon is attacking London. Prime Minister David Cameron has alerted the Army, the Navy, as well as taking the unprecedented step of activating the Knights of the Realm. The Knights of the REalm being, of course, British celebrities who have been knighted by the Queen. Said knights are now formulating a plan at the home of Sir Elton John.
[ cut to Elton John’s house ]
Elton John: Knights of the Realm… thank you for coming. As I say your name, make yourself known. Sir Richard Branson.
Richard Branson: I just came from SPAIN!! [ he laughs ]
Elton John: Sir Bono.
[ Bono clears his throat ]
Elton John: Well, uh… Sir Michael Caine.
Michael Caine: Thank you… Elton. It is lovely… to… be… here.
Elton John: You’re welcome.
Michael Caine: In… your… lovely… home.
Elton John: Are you done?
Michael Caine: I… am… not.
Elton John: Moving on — Sir Ian McKellen.
Ian McKellen: [ dressed as Gandolph ] Yooooou shall not passsss!!
Elton John: Awesome. And, of course, Sir Mix-a-Lot.
[ Sir Mix-a-Lot pumps his fist to the camera ]
Elton John: We should start because Sting is on his way, but we all know it takes him a long way to come — I mean, forever to come! [ he chuckles ]
[ a rimshot is heard, revealed to have come from Ringo Starr on drums ]
Elton John: Thank you, Ringo.
Ringo Starr: [ giving two peace signs with his fingers ] You’re welcome. Thank you for having me, even though I’m not a knight. And remember: peace and love conquers all.
Michael Caine: Not a bloody DRAGON, RINGO!! COME ON!!!
Elton John: We need a plan to stop this dragon. Any suggestions?
Michael Caine: Whenever I’m… in a row… with a mate… I take him down to the pub… have a few drinks… a few laughs… and that’s what we should do… with this dragon. [ Elton checks his watch, as the others roll their eyes ] I think you’ll find… we’ll lose an enemy… but… gain… a… [ lingering silence ]
Elton John: Friend?
Michael Caine: I’m not done. [ continues ] A… friend.
Elton John: I don’t think that will work, Sir Michael.
Richard Branson: [ with jet pack on ] I say we fire up our jet packs, fly up there and stab that bastard in the nose! Who’s with me?!
[ Branson rushes out of the room, as an explosion is seen and his body drops outside the window a short moment later ]
Elton John: Well… he’s dead.
[ Branson re-enters from the opposite side of the room ]
Richard Branson: Fortunately, I took the precaution of cloning myself earleir today! Hello, everyone! [ he takes his seat ]
Elton John: Focus, focus. Anyone have a worthwhile idea?
[ a dragon’s growl is heard ]
Bono: I want to send a message to everyone in this room. When artists put their souls together, they can accomplish anything.
Elton John: Except a Spider-Man musical!
[ Ringo fires up a rimshot ]
Elton John: [ singing ] “Can you smell a bomb toniiiiight?” “The Lion King”! Still in theatres!
[ the others voice their aggravation ]
Ringo Starr: [ making peace signs with his fingers ] I like the Muppets!
[ a dragon’s growl is heard ]
Ian McKellen: [ standing ] Listen! I have fought a dragon! I did not ASK for the challenge! But I faced it alone! We must rise and come together!!
Michael Caine: Ian… Did you steal… that costume?
Ian McKellen: No. The costume lady… GAVE IT TO MEEEEEEE!!!
Ringo Starr: [ holding a scroll ] I have an idea, mates! I was just reading in these ancient scrolls, that a dragon’s scales are weakest at his heart. If we can get a saw long enough —
Michael Caine: [ annoyed ] What are you doing?! You’re not a BLOODY KNIGHT!!!
All: SHUT UP, RINGO!!!
Elton John: Wait, wait, wait! Shh! Shh! Shh! I haven’t heard the dragon for a while.
Richard Branson: Let’s check the news, right there on the telly, everyone!
[ Elton clicks the TV onto the BBC News special report ]
Barnaby Xaviar St. Hidgens III: — the fire-breathing dragon that terrorized our city, has been killed! The deadly beast was vanquished by pop star Sting, who — [ checking the wire report ] I’m putting this as delicately as I can — “jizzed” all over it… [ he shakes his head ] until it died. Huh? We now return to “Fancy a Jar, Do You?”, where [ laughing ] oh, dear! Dierdre has just broken a large jar! Where do they get their ideas?
[ cut to “Fancy a Jar, Do You?” graphic ]
[ fade ]
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 36: Episode 18
Elton John’s Monologue
…..Elton John
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Elton John!
Elton John: Thank you, thank you, thank you! It’s great to be here! I know that I’m a bit underdressed, but don’t worry — as the night goes on, I will get MORE fabulous! You know, I came on this show once before, as a musical guest in 1982. And, of all the things I’ve tried once, early in the 1980’s… this seemed like the safest one to try again! In any event, this is my second time here, so… it is entirely appropriate for me to say: “THE BITCH IS BACK!!” [ the audience cheers ] Although, I should note that I say that all the time, whether it’s appropriate or not.
Ladies and gentlemen, it’s been a very exciting time for me. Just a few months ago, my partner, David, and I became the proud parents of a beautiful baby boy. [ audience applauds as photo appears ] Thank you. And, as you can see, I still haven’t lost the baby weight! Our son’s name is… Zachary Jackson Levon Furnish-John — which, of course, is short for Zachary Jackson Levon Hakuna Matata Furnish-John. So far, the baby really takes after me — he screams and cries when he doesn’t get his way, and he’s had his ups and downs with the bottle. The baby has had some feeding difficulties: he’s rejecting the breast. and, in that way, he takes after BOTH if his fathers!
[ the audience cheers ]
David and I had our child through a surrogate. Neither of us can become pregnant, though I promise you… we tried our hardest! Calm down, calm down! Choosing a surrogate mother was a very careful and a much thought-over process for David and myself. We looked at many candidates before finally selecting a woman who we could trust with the gift of life. And, after Latoya Jackson said “No,” we rang our second choice. So we were so thrilled when the baby was born. The doctor told us we had a healthy boy, with ten fingers, then toes, and $400 million! [ the audience applauds ] And that’s not counting royalties, which really add up. Watch this: “And you can tell evvvvvvverybody… this is your song!” [ the audience whoos ] Thank you! That just put him through college!
Many of you may be wondering what I’m like as a parent. I promise you, I’m going to be a normal father. I’m going to change diapers, teach him how to ride a bike, and help him with his homework. The only difference is that, while I’m doing these things, I will look like and be Elton John. For those of you still concerned that we are unusual parents, do not worry! It’s not like we’re the only two people involved in the child’s life. His godmother is Lady Gaga! That’s true, that is not a joke. Lady Gaga is his actual godmother. Which is ironic, because I’ve always said: “Mars ain’t the kind of place to riase your kids!” And Gaga loves Mars. She says Mars has good schools and great discos.
Alright, enough of this! Let’s get the party started. I do lots of stuff with awards shows and charity concerts, and tonight I just want to have fun. So how about we put on a great show. ARE YOU WITH ME?? [ the audience cheers ] COME ON!!! I’m Elton John, and don’t you DARE change the channel! Thank you.
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 36: Episode 18
Goodnights
…..Elton John
Elton John: Thank you, everyone! Thank you and happy birthday to Leon Russell! [ Leon Russell doesn’t move an inch or show any visible signs of recognition as John pats his shoulder ] Carmelo Anthony! Will Forte! Jake Gyllenhaal! [ the live feed cuts off ]
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 36: Episode 18
KY Jelly Ladies Shot Put Championship 1985
Pete Twinkle…..Jason Sudeikis
Greg Stink…..Will Forte
Charlotte Ft. Worth…..Kristen Wiig
Carmela St. Knix…..Carmelo Anthony
Steve Stink…..Tom Hanks
[ open on ESPN Classic logo ]
Announcer: You’re watching ESPN Classic.
Pete Twinkle V/O: If you LOVE Track & Field, but hate the running and jumping parts — you’re in the right place! It’s the KY Jelly Ladies Shot Put Championship!
[ cut to commentators Pete Twinkle and Greg Stink at the booth ]
Pete Twinkle: Good morning! I’m Pete Twinkle, and seated next to me, providing GREAT color commentary — and, man is this guy a FANTASTIC dogsitter — it’s Greg Stink! How you doing, Greg?
Greg Stink: [ nasally ] I’m great, Pete! I recently broke my chin-up record, and today I JUST got pre-approved for a Mastercard!
Pete Twinkle: [ laughing ] Sounds like you’re living the dream, buddy!
Greg Stink: Ho ho, I sure am!
Pete Twinkle: [ laughing ] Alright! Well, why don’t we meet tonight’s players? Up first, we got crafty veteran Charlotte Fort. Worth!
[ reveal Charlotte stretching her arm ]
Pete Twinkle: There she is. Now, it looks like she’s stretching out that shoulder. Now, she tore her rotator cuff last month. How long does it take for something like that to heal?
Greg Stink: [ enthusiastic ] Yeah! How long DOES it take for something like that to heal!
Pete Twinkle: No, no, Greg — I was asking you.
Greg Stink: Ho, ho! you’re asking me?!
Pete Twinkle: Yeah! Any questions I ask are coming right at you, buddy!
Greg Stink: And any questions I ask are coming right back at you!
Pete Twinkle: [ laughing ] That’s a deal! Alright, well, Ft. Worth will be going up against the heavy favorite — Carmela St. Knix!
[ reveal Carmela combing her hair ]
Pete Twinkle: Aw, look at this! My, oh my! What a body! She used to live in Denver, and what an athlete she is! An amazing physical specimen, she stands 6’8″ tall — Greg, does her height give her any kind of an advantage?
Greg Stink: Oh… well, sure! If she’s trying to find someone in a crowd…
Pete Twinkle: Mmm-hmm.
Greg Stink: Or if she’s at a movie sitting behind someone wearing an Abraham Lincoln hat.
Pete Twinkle: No, no, no, buddy! No, I’m sorry about that. No — I’m asking if her height’s an advantage in the SHOT PUT!
Greg Stink: [ laughing ] And what is a shot put?
Pete Twinkle: Oh, boy! Greg Stink. You gotta love this guy! Hey, you know what else you gotta love? Our sponsor! KY Jelly! “No foreplay today? Hey, that’s okay! KY Jelly!” Now, Greg, in terms of distance… what’s the goal here for these ladies?
Greg Stink: Well, if the average man is around five inches, then, for a maximum pleasure, you’re just gonna want to put it all the way in!
Pete Twinkle: No, no! No, no, no, Greg! [ laughing ] Greg! Buddy! No, no, that’s MY fault, fella! no, I wasn’t asking about the distance goal using a FINE product like KY Jelly! I was asking about how far they would like to throw the shot.
Greg Stink: Well, 49… 70…
Pete Twinkle: Well, 70 what, buddy?
Greg Stink: [ laughing ] Oh, I don’t know!
Pete Twinkle: Okay! I’ll tell you what, folks — he’s not always right, but he’s never quite wrong. You know what else isn’t wrong? Using KY Jelly! “Protect her from your girth, with the greatest lube on Earth! KY Jelly!” Alright, it looks like Charlotte is in the circle and ready to trow!
[ Charlotte Ft. Worth throws her shot and screams ]
Pete Twinkle: There it is! Oh, that’s amazing! Look at this! Whoa, what a toss! That looked like about 23 metres and she is trying out a new dance called The Running Man! So impressive, so impressive! Hey, let’s get close to the action and check in with our sideline reporter — Greg, now you KNOW this guy!
Greg Stink: Yeah, it’s my brother Steve!
Pete Twinkle: Alright, well, Steve Stink, thanks for joining us!
[ reveal Steve Stink on the sidelines ]
Steve Stink: Well, Pete, it’s GREAT to be here! Yeah! Yeah! Greg! Hey, Greg! You forgot your lunch at home, but, don’t worry, I brought it for you! [ he holds up a lunch sack ]
Greg Stink: Ho, ho, ho! Thanks, Steve! What’s it looking like down there?
Steve Stink: Well — [ he looks at the sack lunch ] it’s a brown bag and it has your name on it, uh — and I think there’s food inside for you to eat!
Pete Twinkle: No, hold on! Hold on, Steve! I think your brother’s asking what the competition looks like!
Greg Stink: No, actually, I WAS asking about that lunch!
Pete Twinkle: [ laughing ] My mistake! Okay, now, Steve — a 23-metre throw. That’s impressive, right?
Steve Stink: Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, it sure is! You know, Ft. Worth is off to a great start! She is absoutely in her comfort zone. You know, speaking of comfort zones — “KY Jelly! When you’re seeing sparks, where your penis parks! KY Jelly!” Back to you!
Pete Twinkle: Alright! Thank you, Steve! Thank you very much! Hey, speaking of KY Jelly — “Make a little room for Paco, put some sauce on that taco! [ extended pause ] KY Lubricant Jelly!” Alright, looks like Carmela is stepping into the circle! Let’s check out the action!
[ Carmela St. Knix warms up ]
Pete Twinkle: Alright, she’s just getting a little warmed up there… here it comes. She’s picking out her ball. Looks like she’s getting ready to throw, though — here is comes, any second now. [ she throws her shot ] Oh, boy! Oh, wow, that’s a wild throw!
[ the shot knocks Steve Stink in the head ]
Pete Twinkle: Oh, no! And she is NOT happy! Here comes that St. Knix temper! Oh! She just crushed a shot put with he bare hands!
Greg Stink: Hold on there, I’ve gotta correct you, Pete! She doesn’t have bear hands, she has HUMAN hands! And people don’t really say “bear hands”, the say “paws”.
Pete Twinkle: Alright, duly noted. Duly noted. Hey, Steve! You alright down there?
Steve Stink: No, no, no… I-I’m freaked out… I just heard there was a bear around here… or a human with bear hands. Either way, I’m getting the hell out of here!
[ Steve Stink runs off ]
Pete Twinkle: Alright, okay! Thanks, buddy! Greg, you and your brother sure are two peas in a pod!
Greg Stink: Yeah!
Pete Twinkle: I really, really like the guy.
Greg Stink: Well, we spend a lot of time together. In fact, we just got back form a little trip to Vegas.
Pete Twinkle: Oh, yeah?! Where’d you stay?
Greg Stink: Circus Circus! They’be got the loosest slots!
Pete Twinkle: Hey! speaking of loose slots — KY Jelly! We’ll be right back!
[ fade ]
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SNL Transcripts: Elton John: 04/02/11 ]]>
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 36: Episode 18]]>
Amazon.com Widgets
Air Date:Host:Musical Guest:Special Guests:Cameos:Bit Players:
April 2nd, 2011
Elton John
Elton John
None
Will Forte
Carmelo Anthony
Tom Hanks
Lorne Michaels
Leon Russell
Jake Gyllenhaal
None The Lawrence Welk Show
Summary: Confirmed bachelor Frances Lynn Mulge (Elton John) enjoys singing and dancing with musical sisters (Abby Elliott, Nasim Pedrad, Vanessa Bayer), but is grossed out by their tiny-handed sister Dooneese (Kristen Wiig).
Recurring Characters: Lawrence Welk, Shirley, Nancy, Dooneese.
Montage
Elton John’s MonologueSummary: Elton John depracatingly jokes about his new life as a gay father.
Transcript
KY Jelly Ladies Shot Put Championship 1985Summary: Commentators Pete Twinkle (Jason Sudeikis), Greg Stink (Will Forte), and sideline commentator Steve Stink (Tom Hanks) keep the KY jelly sponsorship coming in lieu of focusing on shot put match between Charlotte Ft. Worth (Kristen Wiig) and Carmela St. Knix (Carmelo Anthony).
Recurring Characters: Greg Stink, Pete Twinkle.
Transcript
Knights of the RealmSummary: Elton John leads a ragtag group of knighted British celebrities in an effort to rid England of a dragon invasion.
Recurring Characters: Richard Branson, Michael Caine, Bono, Sir Mix-A-Lot, Ringo Starr.
Transcript
An SNL Digital Short
Summary: Andy Samberg and Bill Hader kidnap Wilson the volleyball in order to secure Tom Hanks’ sponsorship for “Laser Cats: The Musical”, in which the boys utilize a shrink ray to defeat the evil Droz (Elton John).
Elton John and Leon Russell perform “Hey Ahab”
Weekend Update with Seth Meyers
Summary: Muammer Kaddafi (Fred Armisen). Zookeeper Barry Lewis (Kenan Thompson). Nicolas Cage (Andy Samberg).
Recurring Characters: Muammer Kaddafi, Nicolas Cage.
Royal Engagement
Summary: Queen Elizabeth (Fred Armisen) and Prince Philip (Bill Hader) try to coerce Elton John into performing their musical selections at Prince William’s (Andy Samberg) upcoming wedding.
Recurring Characters: Queen Elizabeth II, Prince Philip, Prince William.
The Silver Screen
Summary: Gay classic film buffs (Taran Killam, Elton John) bicker while interviewing Vanessa Hudgens (Nasim Pedrad).
The Old West
Summary: Gay cowboy (Elton John) only has eyes for a fellow cowboy (Jason Sudeikis), but fails to reciprocate interest.
Elton John and Leon Russell performs “Monkey Suit”
GoodnightsTranscript
Dress Rehearsal Cuts
Club FunSummary: Former bad locations are now being promoted as fun vacation hot spots.
Space VoyageSummary: Space captain (Jason Sudeikis) is unable to defend against enemy attack because he’s busy squabbling with his wife (Abby Elliott) over a misunderstanding.
Perspectives Photo StudiosSummary: Spokesman (Jason Sudeikis) promotes the trick photography techniques that makes men’s penises look larger for cell phone photo submissions.
Note: This sketch will air on next week’s episode hosted by Helen Mirren.
Fox & FriendsSummary: Fox’s morning pundits Steve Doocy (Taran Killam), Gretchen Carlson (Vanessa Bayer) and Brian Kilmeade (Bobby Moynihan) make random political statements that have to be researched by their fact-checker (Fred Armisen).
Note: This sketch will air on next week’s episode hosted by Helen Mirren.
Kohl’s Dressing RoomSummary: Two women (Vanessa Bayer, Elton John) try on different clothes in order to please their boyfriends (Paul Brittain, Jason Sudeikis).
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 36: Episode 17
10q: Zach Galifianakis / Jessie J
Noodles
Dad…..Zach
Mom…..Kristen Wiig
Daughter #1…..Nasim Pedrad
Daughter #2…..Abby Elliott
Son…..Bobby Moynihan
Dr. Franks…..Bill Hader
Voice of Noodles…..Kenan Thompson
[ open on interior, family room ]
Dad: Uh, Trish, uh, I think we need to tell the kids about the dog.
Mom: You’re right, but let’s be gentle about it. Noodles was part of this family.
Dad: Of course. [ calling ] Hey, gang!
[ the kids come running in and take their seats on the couch ]
Dad: You kids okay? Um… You probably have been wondering where Noodles is.
Daughter #1: Is he having a treat?
Daughter #2: Is he at the dog park?
Son: He’s still alive, I’m sure.
Dad: Kids… sometimes when dogs get a little older… moms and dads… send them away to a nice farm.
Mom: And that’s what we did with Noodles. He’s at a big farm upstate, with lots of dogs to play with. And, hey — remember how Noodles… loved avocadoes?
Kids: Yeah!
Mom: Okay! Well, he’s on this farm, and they’ve got avocadoes growing on every tree!
Son: Oh, wow!
Daughter #2: I’m gonna miss him, but… I’m glad he’s happy.
Daughter #1: [ suspicious ] Wait a minute… you said the farm was upstate?
Mom: Uh, yeah.
Daughter #1: Well… unless New York State has undergone some kind of drastic climate shift, I doubt you’d find avocado trees there. Where’s Noodles?
Son & Daughter #2: Yeah, where’s Noodles?!
Mom: [ whispering ] Honey, try something else.
Dad: Okay, kids… Noodles is in doggie heaven. There’s lots of other dogs there, and… remember how he loved Aunt Rita?
Kids: Yeah?
Dad: Well… [ struggling ] She’s there to give them treats.
Son: Huh. But… why is Aunt Rita in doggie heaven?
Dad: Because God wants you to look like a dog. [ the kids eye him suspiciously ] Let me — let me just start over. Uhhh… [ he takes Mom’s hand and thinks ] Noodles was attacked by a bear.
Mom: [ whispering ] What?
Dad: I’m sorry! I panicked!
Daughter #1: What kind of bear? And it’d better be indignious to New York State!
Dad: [ crying ] It was! It was a panda bear!
Daughter #1: [ sternly ] What happened to Noodles?
Daughter #2: Yeahhh, what happened to Noodles?
Son: What happened to Noodles!
Mom: Noodles was killed by the Latin Kings.
Daughter #1: [ annoyed ] The Latin Kings haven’t been active in this area for YEARS!
Son: Yeah, uh… yeah!
Mom: [ whispering to Dad ] You take it.
Dad: Okay… [ thinking ] Noodles hung himself.
Daughter #1: [ aggravated ] He would NEVER hang himself! He had TOO much to live for!
Dad: He didn’t mean to hang himself, he was just —
Mom: Honey, you CAN’T Tell them!
Dad: The truth… MUST come out.
[ the kids scream for Dad to finally be honest ]
Dad: HE WAS CHOKING HIMSELF WHILE MASTURBATING!!! OKAY?!! ARE YOU HAPPY?!!
[ the kinds are stunned into silence ]
Dad: It was the ONLY way he could CLIMAX!! He would tighten his collar and LICK himself DRY!! And it went too far!!
Mom: Honey, let me, let me… [ solemn music pots up ] Kids… it’s called autoerotic asphysixation. It’s when a person or dog intensifies the thrill of masturbation by strangling himself. Sometimes they go a little far with the strangling. That’s what happened to Noodles.
Dad: It’s true. We found this dog porn magazine next to him. [ he holds up an issue of Puggs, then gives it a curious glance before putting it back down ] But… hey, even though Noodles died that way, we still do love him. Right?
Kids: Yeah…
[ Dr. Franks enters, carrying Noodles ]
Dr. Franks: Hello. I’m Dr. Franks from the vet’s office. Good news, everyone! We hought Noodles was dead, but he was just… in a coma! Anyway… here he is!
[ Dr. Franks hands Noodles over to the kids, who immediately gush over him ]
Mom: Oh! Kids, go play with Noodles!
Daughter #1: Maybe later…
Son: Yeah, I don’t know if I like him in my lap.
Noodles V/O: Ah, I suspected! I know you know what I’m doing. I know you think I’m a freak.
Dad: Noodles? Please know we would, we would never judge you.
Noodles V/O: Oh, I know! Only God can judge Noodles! You know… this family’s been through a lot today. So why don’t I do a little number to cheer everyone up?
[ music pots up, as Noodles sings “Luck Be a Lady” to fade ]